Am I being petty?

My mother messaged me this morning with “just saying, but I hope you got (Fred) made up name a Valentine’s gift/card.” She was referring to my husband of almost 16 years. Why is she concerning herself with my relationship on Valentine’s Day? This is just one circumstance of her nosing around in my life. Am I being petty in letting this annoy me or would you find it intrusive as well? By the way, I’m 44 years old! Thank you for listening and being honest with your responses.

117 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I being petty?

2 Likes

I think there’s more to the story we should know

5 Likes

I think you should be glad you still have your mother! You’ll regret being petty towards her some day. :woman_shrugging:t3:

25 Likes

Sounds like she’s just trying to be involved in your life if that’s something that bothers you maybe talking to her would be best if she can’t respect after that then distance yourself

5 Likes

There’s something missing here. Did she lose her husband?? Has he mentioned feeling like bit neglected?? Just be happy that she’s still here and checking in.

8 Likes

Might have been just trying to make conversation… like I feel like asking what you’ve done for valentines day is something I’d ask any family/friend…:woman_shrugging:t2:

4 Likes

Sounds like a mom 🤷🏻‍♀

6 Likes

I would probably say this to one of my daughters!

2 Likes

Eh. She really was just saying. Considering your age, I imagine she’s well up there too. You won’t have her around every year to tell that to you. It’s the little things you will miss! Seems she meant it innocently. Being that old she is probably lonely too

3 Likes

I think you should consider yourself lucky your mom is still here… honestly my mom does that kind if stuff just to help me out… nothing wrong with a well timed reminder… one day she won’t be here anymore and you will miss it so much…

8 Likes

You’re Petty how about thankful that your mother is still around probably just trying to talk to you.

11 Likes

SO PETTY she’s just making conversation, grow up :unamused:

7 Likes

“Nope. I’ve decided to go homemade and give him a bl0w j0b”

Maybe you should get her à card and valentines for the holiday And tell her hubby is taking you out to eat

2 Likes

My mom does the same sometimes because I have a wonderful husband and she knows how well he treats me and our kids. Definitely just sounds like a general conversation, unless theres more to the story?. So yes, petty.

2 Likes

Nope not petty at all she knows what she is doing you’ll find your not alone I’m part of a group that’s for narc family members if you like to join to get a better prospective message me I’ll send u the link your mom is being passive aggressive with her responses go lc or nc if she can’t understand boundaries

6 Likes

Personally I think its perspective.
Either way its worth a conversation. If you feel your mum is being ‘nosey’ maybe there is opportunity to just let her know how your feeling about what she said. Also giving her the courtesy to find out why she is asking? She may have just been curious with no ‘ill will’ intended.
Communication is truly the key to healthy relationship dynamics.
Good luck and I hope whatever steps you take they lead you to an open and honest relationship with your mum. :pray:t3::hugs:

Well my first thought is… Did you? Because maybe she’s talked with “Fred” about his valentines plans and she wants to be sure he doesn’t feel like you forgot about him. :woman_shrugging: Either way I’d have laughed it off depending on what the other circumstances where she was intrusive were.

2 Likes

Tell her you got him a love coupon book

Depends in my opinion. My mom does stuff like this all the time, but it’s because she’s narcissistic and truly believes no one can function without her micromanagement! (Even though we’re all 40+ and parents)
All these people responding to “just be thankful she’s still here and you’ll miss this” obviously don’t have a toxic family member and it’s hard to understand if that’s not what your family is like! Only you know what’s truly going on and your feelings are valid petty or not! It’s always best to present the issue face to face and try to make boundaries and ask their intentions if it’s bothering you. In the end, nothing any stranger says on here Is going to change, improve or help your situation due to only having a tiny glimpse into the situation. I wish you the best and hope you have a great weekend!

1 Like

She might not have gotten anything this year?

1 Like

Why do I feel like this is me in the future?? :disappointed: I literally just try to make conversation with my 15 year old daughter and I’m trying to butt into her life :sob:

This is just proof that a mom never stops being a mom. Mine still tells me what to do and I love her for it. :sweat_smile:

6 Likes

Let it go
Especially if she is elderly
Really not a big deal
I actually asked my daughter and her si other did they want to go for a nice date night
Neither one of them knew what I was talking about
Until they looked at the date

1 Like

No it’s non of her business

Lmao my Mum would say this but with sarcasm in her voice :rofl::rofl::rofl: and we would laugh and laugh :rofl::rofl::rofl:

1 Like

She was gently reminding you that you did not get her one!

2 Likes

All of the “she won’t be around forever” comments are a bit ridiculous. Of course she won’t be, no one will however that doesn’t excuse crossing boundaries. If you have expressed to her that this is a boundary and you find it rude or disrespectful and she still doesn’t stop that’s her not respecting you. Just because someone is older it does not give them the right to disrespect us.

With that being said and because none of us know the full situation. She may be missing a passed husband and maybe she has regret that she didn’t appreciate her husband enough and she may not want you to feel the same pain and regret she’s feeling. I genuinely think she’s just trying to care but I can’t be certain because I don’t know any of you.

Tell her you gave him a great blow job and breakfast in bed served naked. Maybe she won’t ask next time :laughing::joy::joy::joy:

Maybe she’s reminding you not to forget… We get busy and some special days are forgotten.

Look at men that forget women’s Birthday, valentine’s day, Anniversary etc…

I let it go and respond Thanks for the reminder love you!

Doesn’t seem like bad intentions to you.

5 Likes

My kids are glad,I tell them stuff like this, because they forget

4 Likes

I think I’ve maybe picked up on the missing piece I see most people questioning here. Is it not so much that she’s asking, but that she herself just has a snarky type vibe about her, so you knew she purposely referred to him by the wrong name?? If that’s the case. I can understand that being frustrating. At the end of the day… We are all human. We should treat others with decency, and receive decency in return. Anything inbetween is iffy. Rather related by blood or not. Sometimes people can be toxic. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do if that’s the case. I would be bothered too if my mother couldn’t get my husbands name correct after so many years. Now if she was just being a concerned parent… Then yes, you might be tripping. Maybe she genuinely was just trying to ask if you guys had plans or whatever, because she wanted you guys to enjoy your valentine’s day. Either way… Whatever the case. Hang in there. At the end of the day she’s always going to be your mom, and you would probably miss her presence in some shape or form if she was gone. I always tell myself that if it’s not something I’m STILL going to be mad about 5 years from now, it’s not worth putting my angry energy into it. Sometimes we just have to let shit be ya know. We have to let people do the stupid shit they do. Only you can make this decision though. You have to ask yourself this question. How much does your mom really disturb your peace… Is it worth her physical absence in your life?? Or is she just mindless with her words sometimes, and although it hurts at times… you subconsciously know that you’re still going to be dealing with the SAME 15 years from now, because deep down thats your mom… and you love her?? I don’t know… Maybe I’m completely wrong. I hope I helped at least a little though. Lol Regardless hang in there. :heart::kissing_heart:

Maybe she was being sarcastic??
Atleast your mom is still alive :frowning:
Mine died from cancer and her 3 grandbabies miss her daily…

2 Likes

Be happy you still have a mother.
Don’t let it annoy you consider it as her being helpful, since we are all human and forget things.

8 Likes

Why would that bother you?

9 Likes

Not petty…however…not worth ruining a special day. You picked up on it so you are aware. She will catch yr drift with certain looks if need
be. (Keeping in mind it’s yr mom tho).
Happy Valentine’s day y’all.

2 Likes

Just reply with something really inappropriate like, " yes mum I’m giving him a double Whopper BJ", or, “yep, he’s getting what he’s always wanted, A threesome!” Add a smiley face to preferred reply… I know it is a bit passive aggressive BUT I am sure she’ll stop interfering lol

5 Likes

Mothers will always be concerned about their children no matter how old they are. Our own children get upset with me when I ask them how they are or other things. Just remember it is because she cares about you. :heart:

5 Likes

Maybe he complained about not getting one once and she’s she’s teasing you

1 Like

She’s just helping. Ya know ,the way you used to help when you got in her way cleaning house and wanted to " help". :joy::joy:
Just let it roll off your back. It’s no big deal.
If it is. Tell her. Take her out for lunch and talk about how much she is intruding in your life. Do it with Love. Tell her you respect her help and appreciate it. But it’s getting on your nerves. Please stop. Mom need to know they are still “needed”. It she may be lonely . My MIL calls daily. My husband just says tell me about your day or your plans. Sometimes she forgets and calls 2 or 3 times in one day. Don’t let it get to you. God bless.

3 Likes

Married almost 25 yrs and due to circumstances we could not give each other something for valentines. Love is supposed to be showed every day not just valentines day. There are other ways than cards and gifts to give to you hubby or wife on valentines day. Only my opinion

So did you get him a gift?
Lol

Maybe it is kinda a little hint she is trying to be helpful because she is lonely. Maybe get her a card and a small item.

I would just ask cattily “ why would I do that!” Click

1 Like

Rebound with some relationship advice for her

3 Likes

If you don’t appreciate it. Say “thanks but I suck his dick not you”

I would reply with… Glad you think that highly of me. As of course I would have done something…

Lol… I… wow.
Well! I love hearing from my mom, about anything and everything, and if she text me that, I’d just laugh and be a smart ass about it! Because she’s a funny woman and love and adore her to pieces! :joy:

Yeah, pretty petty in my opinion… it really sounds like she was making small talk and is a bit lonely…

4 Likes

This really depends on the type of relationship one has with their Mom.

2 Likes

Maybe he told her you don’t and that it bothers him. I say your being petty a bit.

Tell her that while you appreciate her concern, that she doesn’t need to remind you to get something for your partner. If she continues, set a hard line, that’s it’s none of her business.
If it bothers you, it bothers you.

Tell her he doesn’t need a gift as he has you. Best gift of all :laughing:

1 Like
  1. If she keeps sticking her nose in your business find her another hobby or affinity group to occupy her her time and attention. Tai Chi classes, knitting groups, book club, volunteering at an animal shelter, the hospital, church, a day care, for a political campaign, whatever she’d like.

  2. If she’s just looking for conversation and time with you, spend time with her.

  3. If she kind of bugs you, create mother-daughter events with your friends. We’d all get together, talk to everyone so we didn’t have to spend a lot of time with our own mothers, but they felt like they spent time with us. We got to spend time with our friends and other mothers with whom we had no issues. They got out of the house for something social, and got to chat with people their own age and people their daughter’s age. Wine, champagne, tea, cookies, sandwiches, whatever everyone likes.

Or get together with your mom (& dad?) and others for outings, dinners, movies, performances, mini golf or whatever everyone enjoys. That way you don’t have to carry the whole burden of conversation and everyone has fun.

  1. Is she missing her own Valentine? See if you can arrange a “Galentines” get together for her. Maybe help her safely navigate a dating site like Our Time for those over 50. Or you & hubs do something nice for her around holidays.
1 Like

Would you miss those pointless messages if she wasn’t around to send them? :thinking:

I bet you that there are many in this group who wish their Mom could message them.

Be grateful.

5 Likes

Small worries. She probably just was thinking aloud.

Be greatful that you still have your Mom!!

8 Likes

You’re not being petty but you’re wasting energy on something that doesn’t really matter.

1 Like

Would it bother you if someone other than your mother asked the same question? A friend or co-worker? I wish my Mom was here to ask me silly questions. Let it go, or talk to her about it. :blush:

5 Likes

I get where you’re coming from, but yeah. It’s petty.
I used to get irritated when my mom would bring up little things like this, because it was all the time. I now know how stupid I was for ever feeling like that. I’d give anything to hear my mom’s voice again. Even if it was to yell at me. Appreciate what you have before it’s gone. You don’t understand how lucky you are to still have your mom.

6 Likes

Be glad u have a mother . Yes your being petty

5 Likes

Tell her you gave him a blow job instead :joy:

Your mommy doesn’t stop being a mommy because you are grown. It’s our job as a mother to remind our kids manners or give advice. She means well. Just say thank you for the reminder and do what you want. You are lucky to have a mother that cares and is still alive. I’d give anything to have my mother still

2 Likes

Yes you are and no I wouldn’t find it intrusive. Your reaction is a tad extreme seeing as it was probably a light hearted remark from your mum. Are you a super busy person? More than one job? Kids? Clubs? If you are it was probably meant as a friendly reminder knowing how busy you are! I’m sure there was no malice or interfering intended

3 Likes

You’re lucky to have a mum to ask you silly questions

I’d tell her it is none of her business and not talk to her for a long time.

1 Like

My mom used to call me for what I thought were the silliest reasons. She left us in September of last year. I would give anything to have her call me again with whatever reason she had. Or even sent me a message. Your mother cares about you. Accept it and love her back.

4 Likes

I think she’s lonely…its just mundane conversation x

1 Like

She probably just used that as a conversation starter. Moms are like that sometimes.

5 Likes

How old your Mum? Maybe she’s starting to loose her memory or something x

My mum messages me every day… “did you get the kids up for school today?” Or “did you put the bins out” or other random things…
Obviously I’m capable of those things without the reminders lol, but she’s my mum. And it’s no different than me.turning to my kids and asking every day, did you brush your teeth? Have you put clean socks on?

She’s not trying to be Intrusive I’m sure… its built into our nature when we have someone to love and teach… and being a mum doesn’t go away just cos ur kids are all grown up.

Enjoy it, and the fact that at that moment, she thought of valentines day and love, and it was you and your partner that she thought off. My mum asked me the same question this year, but she’s alone, and her thinking of valentines for herself made her sad because of loosing my dad, so she transfers it into me. Encourage the love… yes sometimes it can get frustrating … I get that… I feel it often lol, but brush it off and remember it’s coming from a place of love… we will miss it when it’s gone xx

8 Likes

Just wave it off and go about life.

Then message her back asking if she remembered to get your father her husband a gift.

1 Like

Get your mum a v-day gift/card. She sounds like she could use a “pick me up” <3

I don’t see what the problem is isn’t that what most mums do? Maybe she was just being nice and reminding you or trying to start a conversation with you is she Lonley but honestly you only get one mum and one day when your mum isn’t around anymore you will wish for those kind of messages again

1 Like

Your 44 years old and acting like a child! Grow up!

7 Likes

My mom doesn’t do this, but I think it’s common. I also think it’s hard to gage someone’s intentions through texts. It’s quite possible that this is just a conversation starter for her.

1 Like

I wish my mom was still alive to call me. I dont care what it would be for. Cherish ur mama❤.

11 Likes

I would have told my mom don’t worry about it. My mom is nosy from time to time as well. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, but at a distance. I moved out of the house as soon as I could become of her.

1 Like

I’d be happy if someone reminded me of things like that! My mother is gone! When your mom passes away you’ll miss everything about her! You should be thankful she’s still there to be able to text you!

3 Likes

Would I do it. No. Would I expect my parent to do it. No. Was I lucky enough to have a mum and dad growing up. No, so I really have no idea what a mum should be ringing their daughter about. If she is annoying you, she probably is trying to tell you something. Talk to her about it. See if there is actually something on her mind she is scared to talk to you about so is acting out.

1 Like

You are lucky you still have your mum cherish her

5 Likes

Im 43 and my mom is passed …ur lucky to still have her !! Yeah she just wanted to talk …u should feel blessed…i wish my mom could call me for anything

3 Likes

I would give anything to have an annoying call from my mom. Just to hear her voice one more time. My mom took her life 25 yrs ago and there’s not a day go by I don’t think about her and wishing she was here. Love on them while you still can annoyance and all! JS

3 Likes

Personally i feel this all depends on the regular relationship with your mother… If you guys dont normally get along and she makes jabs at you, i would take it that way. If you guys normally get along with occasional issues here and there, i would say maybe you’re overthinking it :person_shrugging:t2::person_shrugging:t2::person_shrugging:t2: best of luck!

7 Likes

I get it but i lost my mom at 14. She wasnt a good mom honestly lots pf trauma abuse but she was still my mom. I never got to resolve any of it with her. She didnt teach me periods, sex, anything pivotal to being a woman. My father also sucked and hes not a woman but a woman abuser.

Honestly id let it go or gently tell her mom i appreciate xyz and i love you and build her up for everything she does right etc… but its ok to tell her i dont need a reminder if youd like to call me etc… because youre lonely or just want to connect then please do that etc…

Whatever your situation is. Pick your battles and if theirs trauma etc… deal with it as much as you can you might not get the closer you need and regret it later.

Sincerely,
I needed a mom that i never got

Enjoy your mum whilst you can
One day hopefully you will be enquiring to your children and they will also find you annoying !!!

5 Likes

The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers

3 Likes

Your feelings are valid. But what to you may feel like “nosing around” may be her way of showing interest in your life and showing that she cares. The people in the comments saying you should be thankful your mom is alive are honestly pretty selfish for saying that. Someone else’s struggles doesn’t negate yours. She probably just saw something random and thought about it or if your parents are still together, her feelings are hurt that he didn’t get her anything and she’s trying to passively open the floor to talk to you about her feelings.
just respond. “I did! But thank you so much for the reminder mom! You know these days the days kinda run together and half the time I don’t even know what day it is. Thanks for always keeping me straight. I hope you had a good Valentine’s Day. I love you mom”

12 Likes

My mother is 93 and I am over 60. I received a nice present for Christmas from a family friend, and she said, “I hope you wrote a nice thank you note.” My inner 13-year-old wanted to say something snarky, but my inner grownup knows this is my mom still being my mom, and I am so darn grateful that she’s still here, being my mom, that I just said, “Yep, I did. Just as you taught me to do.” It made us both feel good.

21 Likes

Girl she’s old just say k momma.

5 Likes

Soooo… there isn’t enough info here for.people to be calling your mom a narc. Have you not gotten your husband a card or gift before andnhe expressed his hurt to your mother. Or has your family witnessed him giving and you taking? Maybe she forgot Valentines Day and thought she would remind you so you wouldn’t. Moms are nosy… some moms are destructively nosey…I quit telling my narc mom anyrhing about my life 20 years ago. A narc mom wouldn’t be reminding you about :heart: day…she would be trying to make you doubt your marriage.

6 Likes

I cured this early. … Todd my mom you dint get in the middle of my relationship and I won’t yours! :v: worked out very well after that.

1 Like

Of course it will annoy you, my mom is the same way, but with the grandkids ( I don’t have a husband lol). My oldest is 12, and whenever it’s going to be chilly in the mornings, she’ll STILL always call the night before and tell me “make sure the kids have on long pants and are warm in the morning, it’s going to be cold” :woman_facepalming:t2: It’s annoying, bc I know what I’m doing, but moms are always going to put their 2 cents in bc that’s what they do! Lol I’m just blessed that I still have my mom to bug me! :woman_shrugging:t2::smiling_face_with_three_hearts: Just roll with it with your mom, just say yes mom, I know, and change the subject! Lol

9 Likes

Maybe what your momma really wanted to say was “I hope you remember me on Valentine’s and got me something too!” Maybe she’s just feeling lonely at her age and it’s her way of …just saying OR your husband made a snarky comment to her that you forgot about him last year or something like that?! :woman_shrugging:

2 Likes

Ahhh I miss my mom being nosey in mylife! She is my best friend :pensive::smiling_face_with_three_hearts: one day the questions will stop and you won’t have a thing to complain about :roll_eyes: seriously be grateful and just show grace! :pray::raised_hands:

10 Likes

She definitely doesn’t need to be putting her nose where it don’t belong. However, if I were you, I wouldn’t waste any of my time feeling some type of way about it… Just ignore and move on.

2 Likes

It depends on your everyday interactions.

My mom knows everything about me and I never get offended when she asks me anything. She’s also my bff but stop being so petty. You only have one mother and she won’t be here forever to ask you those questions. Be kind and loving to her.

5 Likes