I’ve been with my partner for four years now, and we still don’t live together as we live in different towns about an hour away. He’s an amazing father to his two children and my own two kids, and we all get along very well. We are a family. I would like us to live together, but his job is an hour away from me and his home town. The wages ain’t great, and neither are the hours as he works every other weekend, so the only time we get is one night during the week and every other weekend together. I’ve been fine with that at the start as didn’t want to rush, but it’s getting to the point of plans to actually be together in one home. I’m not willing to move as my children’s schooling is in my town, and we only have his kids every other weekend. The main issues are he does love his job, but he’s been offered a job that pays triple what he earns a month. He said he’s thinking about it but loves his job. But logically, he is home every weekend to have his kids more and have a lot more money to cover travel expenses. So could actually move in full time. I want him to be happy, but I don’t know what to think because taking this job means we could actually be together as one whole family in a home and not just part-time. And the money would help so much with bills and him being home means I’m free to have more options on work if he’s here I can do nights without having to pay a fortune on childcare. And still, be together. I don’t see any downfalls to having in taking this job offer, but the only thing is he loves his current job so much. And don’t want him to be unhappy but then I’m unhappy because I can’t see us ever living together with this job he’s at now. Am I selfish in thinking he should leave his job for a better paid one?
Pretty sure his town has schools as well…
I’ve worked jobs I’ve hated, and now have a job I love. Loving what you do is life changing. Having a job that pays well but is soul crushing is not worth it, imo.
You and him need to have a serious sit down and discuss your future… TOGETHER.
Compromises will have to be made to make this work between the two of you and all children.
First of all, I would not make any major decisions like that if marriage is not on the table. Second, I didn’t hear anything other than me, me ,me me and more ME
As I read this all I see is…me, me, me, me. It’s not just all about you and what you want.
Stay separate- better for both of you.
You want him to move there for your benefit pretty much is what I’m getting out of this lol
If he don’t like the new job,he won’t be Happy and come home cranky,I been with my husband for 29 years trust me let him work where he wants,say he changes jobs he don’t like it so he had attitude and looses it it or he brings the attitude home
You want him to pick up and move and change jobs and what do you do in this situation? It seems like hes the one who has to make all of the changes. You should be willing to make some changes too.
Have u tried asking him what HE really wants instead of pressuring him with the me me me attitude??
Loving your job is important. This is coming from a preschool teacher. I could work retail and hate my life or make less and love every minute I’m at work.
Yes you are being selfish all Im reading is you want this you want that you ,you,you …
You want him to move from his hometown and leave a job he loves to take a job making more money so you can change shifts and save money on childcare. Why don’t you move and take a job making more money if you want the relationship to work so bad? There’s nothing more draining than working a job you hate. Money isn’t everything.
Move to him.
He may not be confident enough to change jobs or he may love his current job
And you have to compromise some too. You’re wanting him to make all the sacrifices for you but aren’t talking about what you could do to help the situation
Yikes … lol …
Maybe he doesn’t want to move in with you . You kinda sound a tad bit selfish… and girl , I’m not being mean but maybe he don’t wanna be your babysitter either . Sounds like HE’S happy with how his life is . You sound money hungry and he’s your meal ticket…
Here’s an idea… GET YOUR OWN GOOD PAYING JOB . . Let him raise his kid in peace. Yours aren’t his responsibility and clearly he dont want it either
Instead of making him change careers, why don’t you consider changing careers and move in with him there? Alternatively, he could keep his job, move in, and deal with the commute. When my husband and I started dating and moved in together, he drove an hour to and from work every day for 1.5 years until we moved closer. He decided it was worth it to be with me. If neither of you want to put in that kind of effort, you’re probably not meant to be.
Asking him to change jobs to better suite you in the long run may make him resent you ! And if the school system is good where he is wait till summertime and move ! My coworker is moving across the USA with her two kids this summer to be with her bf which is the dad to one of her girls
This is kind of selfish in my opinion. If he loves his job, then that’s what matters. I worked a job I HATED for 9 years because of the money. And I wouldn’t do that to myself again. His city has schools. You should really talk to him about this and not us if this is a serious conversation.
He deserves to be happy too. He loves his job. I would have a conversation with him. But would he want to drive that distance every weekend with his kids or does he like being close? You could compromise and move to his town. You don’t love your job, so move there and let him stay with a job he’s happy at. Also, it’s not fair to have him move with you just so you save money? Like wth.
Well I see it as having to pay your dues till your stable enough to do what you love.
Make a plan with a time estimate.
We both have worked jobs we hate to eaiter learn more for long term benifit and to make ends meet dor our kids .
In a partnership especially there need to be compmrise.
If I didn’t see ambition in my partner to be better and do better I’d be rethinking the relationship.
He has a great job he does like but hes always looking for better.
Why does he need to make all the changes? You seem to want your cake and eat it too. The part that stands out to me is where you will have better job options and be able to work nights if he is there to watch your kids. You want him to take a job for more money that he might not be happy in and come home and watch your kids. It won’t take long for the resentment to grow and that whole relationship will be out the window.
If he loves his job, leave him alone. I wouldn’t wanna work somewhere I completely hated even if it did pay more. Maybe time for kids to go to a new school if you wanna be with him THAT much. Can’t expect him to give up everything while you do nothing, just cuz you don’t wanna change anything
I understand you don’t want to move cause your kids are in school where you are but can’t they go to school where he lives? If you really want to stay where you are that’s your choice and it sounds like his is to stay at his current job.
U arent willing to move because of your children’s school??? But you want him to lose a job he loves?? Yes u are selfish
What changes are you going to make? It seems like you want him to make all the changes to make you happier. No that isn’t fair, it is selfish and he shouldn’t have to leave a job he loves because you don’t want to move or do anything his way. It’s going to cause resentment in the long run if you just want him to do everything to make your life easier.
You both need to sit down and come to some sort of compromise that is going to benefit you ALL.
Sounds like you want him to changes jobs for your needs
Me, me, me, I, I, I… that’s all I read… Selfish. Making a man move away from his children and his job to accommodate your life. There’s a reason he doesn’t want to move in with you and I can guarantee your selfishness is the reason.
Well kids move they adjust it’s life. Yall could move to him and you get a better job. Loving a job is more important then money. Since most won’t stay at a job they dont like for long atleast.
And think about it reasonably, he can afford his life there with the job he has and you want to change to a different job anyways, you’re already saving money. His location has schools too. Then all the kids can attend school together. That seems the better solution imho
Maybe you should move
You should be the one improving your situation and not rely on man to do it for you.
Also, I know you all have been together for 4 year’s but he’s just your boyfriend and his main obligation is to his kids; even if he only sees them every other weekend. The fact you don’t want to uproot yours kids to be closer to him but have no problem with him leaving his says a lot.
You wanting him to leave a job he loves and his kid’s/hometown for you will only cause resentment.
It’s about him an how he wants his life an job to be. he loves it then let it be only he should pick how he wants it to work out if he does not want to leave HIS paying job he loves. you just gotta let it go. he’s still making good money an gets to see his children maybe that’s why he likes it so much because it gives him time with family an thing’s he likes…
OP sounds selfish. Loving your job is so very important. If he is paying his bills and supporting his children, nothing else really matters. Maybe you can find a job closer to his town and move there.
It’s his choice, not yours.
Thank goodness he hasn’t moved in with you. Already thinking about yourself and his money and how it will affect and help you.
No ur not selfish
U want a future with him and u both won’t ever get that if he only wks 2 days a week
Love is not always enough
Money matters it pays the rent and Bill’s
Cant afford a home on one income now a days
Everyone saying he may hate the next job he gets
No one saying the obvious that he’ll be single forever if he doesnt contributes in the household doesnt show up for the relationship
Min wage on a 2x a week doesnt pay a family lifestyle
Up rooting one hr away is really not that far.
I travel over an hr to pick up my kids for my parenting time
Meet half way…u move as well and everyone gets what they want
That way he can keep.his lousy job and u guys can starve to death
Or he can be a man and marry u and provide substantial support
I say leave him if he doesn’t even meet u half way in this
Four years together and your not even engaged yet?? You only see each other once a week maybe? He’s not making much money and has two kids of his own I’m sure he has to pay support for. Explains alot for the time frame. Have you ever thought maybe he doesn’t want any of that to change? You need to sit down and really talk and be honest with each other. Do you believe he would want to watch your kids after working his day? Is he ready to give up his way of living? Your not wanting to give up your kids school. You dont seem comfortable that he can provide the security you might be hoping for with his current job. I’m not saying he should move nor you either. You have to make the decision is it all worth staying together in the current conditions or find someone else in time that is willing to accommodate the same things you want with a partner.
You do sound a little selfish.
I just honestly don’t know that I could be in a relationship with someone who can’t make logical decisions like that rough road ahead girly, either have to accept that the future will be like this or move on
Sounds to me like you want to have it your way with him moving in with you cos the money will help you with bills and daycare
Also sounds like he is happy the way things are
Can’t change him but makeing a suggestion wouldn’t hurt
I work evening into night shifts and he works during the day so we don’t spent money on daycare but barely see each other and when we do I’m exhausted and so is he. He’s the full time and I work part time. It’s hard working opposite shifts !
You knew the situation from the start, accept it or move on,
Maybe he also doesn’t want to uproute his kids. He loves his job and maybe when he’s ready he will. You sound selfish sorry to say
Some of these comments make me wonder why any submits anything.
I’m still stuck on “together 4 years, dont live together, see each other one night a week and every other weekend.” So you see him roughly 8 days a month. If I’m being completely honest…I think you just might be a side chick or y’all need to come to a compromise. Idk what that would be thought because I’m still stuck on the first part.
I’d never give up my job for a relationship. I love my job, love what I do. I’m 40 and ive more degrees than I care to count so I’ve had many jobs. Where I am currently is the best I’ve been mentally in a ‘work capacity’ and it works holistically for my private life as well.
I’m in similar situation and only see my partner if bear 5 years every 2nd weekend and 1 night every other week. That was the terms and conditions when we met, we’ve evolved, but neither of us what to uproot and move it together.
I understand him and you moving in opens your world of opportunities; but it’s at the cost of him, and that’s selfish.
He doesnt live with you and it sounds like that’s for the best if hes paying his bills then you should be finding a way to pay yours by yourself.
I’d talk to him, you’ve been dating 4 years.
Has he talked about getting a place together? Or taking your relationship to the next step?
Had he himself said he’s a father to your kids? Cause that’s different than him being a father figure and you seeing him as a father to your own kids.
It’s not selfish for you to want to move on to the next step. But it becomes selfish if you force or give him ultimatums.
He may not be ready for the next thing. And that might be a really hard talk to have. And as much as it sucks, if he doesnt want to get a job that will bring you guys into a single household, than you’ll have to have a serious talk with yourself whether the relationship is going where you need it to go.
Tough situation, but totally can be handled with love and respect for each other.
It’s one thing if you’re trying to help him better himself and it’s another when all you see is money and what you benefit from it.
All I hear is me,me,me… He loves his job. I wouldn’t want my bf or husband (if I had one) to change jobs if they loved it. Loving your job makes life so much better. I didn’t read any where that said he’d like to move in together. Is it you that wants you two to move in together or is it we’d like to move in together. But from what all I’ve read it’s all about you. I didn’t read anything about him wanting to sacrifice anything. Also from what you’ve wrote it doesn’t sound like he wants anything thing more than what it is now. If he truly was crazy in love with you he’d move in with you. Now with that being said. I think it’s time you go your separate ways. Plus with being with someone for four years and nothing has been said about marriage. Yeah he’s not really into you … sounds like he might even have another someone if he’s not wanting to move too. How come you just didn’t move in with him and put your girls in school in the town he lives in. Someone will a smart brain would think about doing that if he really wanted you two to live together. You could always drive the hour long drive to work. Why does it have to be him? To be honest this relationship I think isn’t going to go anywhere. It’s time you two went your own ways!!
Wow, Some of you people are crazy with your mean hateful replies
He needs to move here with me because of my kids and his don’t really matter much because it’s just every other weekend. Me me me me. All I care about is me and mine. Very selfish. Hopefully he sees that and finds someone that is willing to make equal compromises.
You sound like the selfish one. It’s none of your concern what he makes at his job, cause 1 you’re not married, and 2 you’re not even living together. You even said yourself it would make thing’s easier on you if he took the other job, so yes that makes you selfish. He may make more money at the new one but if he’s not happy there he’s gonna resent it and you. He likes his job and that’s hard to find these day’s. Have you ever thought maybe he’s not wanting to do it cause he’s not ready to move in with you?
I have a fantastic idea, leave YOUR job. Move YOUR kids closer to where his go to school. Find a job that allows you to work hours that YOUR kids are in school.(maybe at the school- even if you don’t like it and the pay is or isn’t great. I mean sacrifice, right?) Then you can be home on weekends and evenings to take care of ALL the kids and nobody has to worry about the fortune it cost in child care and
travel expenses. He’s happy with a job he loves and your happy with the man your trying to control. Problem solved.
Yes. Yes you are being selfish.
Yes you are selfish. You are wanting him to make sacrifices, for your own reasons it seems, but you aren’t willing to make any sacrifices yourself.
Maybe sit down and have a discussion on where you see your relationship in the future and make sure you are on the same page. 4yrs is a long time with little to no progression.
No. It is NOT selfish to want answers in regards to your future!
Heres the thing, 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship that isn’t going to go anywhere. This isnt about his job or how he loves it. This is about you wondering if you are wasting your time in a relationship that isnt ever going to progress to the next level.
If you all aren’t seeing the future in the same way, then it might be time to move on and not waste anymore of each other’s time.
Why does he need to give up a job he loves? And if he has been there for a while… the payoff in the end may be better than immediate payoff.
When forming a relationship with someone and kids are involved… tough… lots of dynamics to consider. Doesnt sound like you are willing to make any sacrifices on your end either. Just saying
Short answer: yes
People are being harsh…sometimes SOMEONE has to make hard decisions…he can make triple whats hes making and have more time for his LONG TIME girlfriend and his kids, Four years isnt something tiny…im sure their kids know eachother and consider their kids siblings etc…Now she could move with him yes but shes not being offered a better job .
My husband hates his job, but it pays well. Hes miserable and it’s dangerous work. Hes already been hurt once. Hes gone all the time. I’d rather him be happy and have a job he loves. I could pull the extra weight and vice versa
Idk sounds to me like he’s really living a double life. Why would you want to live away from your family? Supposedly for a job where he makes crap money? I bet he is living with another woman playing house with her the entire time he’s away from you. Then tells her he has to travel for work the few days he comes to be with you. That’s what it sounds like to me anyway.
Not selfish at all… you’ve been extremely patient for 4 long years… your being a good parent & girlfriend by considering what’s in the best interest of all involved and esp the children… don’t listen to the nasty haters…I don’t know many women that would hv been as patient and accommodating as you have been & im the mother of three grown sons… he needs to mk moves to hv you all together in the same house if that’s what he really wants or move on…
Situation too stressful to deal with. Be happy and your kids will be happy.
Yes and no to u being selfish. Yes ur being selfish for just wanting him to make scarafices that mainly benefit you and your side. And no for just wanting answers on if your ever going to take your relationship to next level, cause it sounds like thats where YOU are but maybe he just isnt there yet. He would be the one making most changes in this scenario. And thats scary! You need to have some give in this too. Find a happy medium and have a serious talk without any ultimatums.
It’s not okay to expect him to babysit your kids and to help pay your bills.
I believe you said he can babysit your kids so you can work opposite shifts? How’s that going to help your relationship? Good luck.
I think that you should take a step back. There is a compromise in this whole situation. Moving to a town together half way between where you both live. It sounds like you aren’t willing to move and what him to do it all. You don’t want to move, you want him to take care of your kids at night so you don’t have to pay daycare…it’s about both of you, not just you.
He should be the one to ask you when it comes to living together, if he wants to he will ask u
You can’t lose what is meant for you, you can’t force what isn’t yours. Interpret at will.
So you want him to change jobs, move to where you live and be your babysitter, while you change absolutely nothing. Sounds selfish af to me.
Loving your job is a crucial part of life, take it from me going to a job you hate everyday will tear you apart! Look for a better comprise…move closer, travel more often make it work…keep trying
Honestly I see where you’re coming from. I don’t see it as you being selfish bc y’all are in a long term relationship & I would HOPE that my partner would see a future with me enough to ask me to consider getting a new job so I could be home more with OUR children. The relationship won’t work if you guys are so separated. You’re allowed to have open convos with your partner. Maybe you should both make a pros and cons list. To benefit the relationship as a whole, not just benefitting one person whether that’s him or you.
After 4 years of dating and he’s not wanting to make any changes, I’d go out on a limb and say he’s not into you completely. Changes would have happened from both of you if y’all were really in love . It also sounds like you need to get your own life together and stop waiting for a man to save you.
You should only want him to take the job if he’s going to be happy with it and from the sounds of it, he is sticking with his job where he is happy. Money will come and go, try budgeting and maybe finding different child care. But you cant force him or guilt him for being happy with his job.
Do you support yourself? Just keep doing what you are doing. Be independent of any man to support you. He loves his job he should stay there where he is if he does. If he moves it will take longer for him to get his kids. re-evaluate the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t want to leave his home town, change job, etc. Maybe you can find a better job for yourself and children to better your own finances.
Lol, you don’t want to leave your town because of YOUR kids… but why is he supposed to leave his town with HIS kids? & now you want him to work a certain schedule so he can stay home with your kids every night so YOU don’t have to pay for child care? So I’d hope you’re watching his children for him also. & secondly, if he hesitant on moving in with you, its probably because you’re pushing him to make all of the life changes while you just get the benefits? His job doesn’t have anything to do with you, you all don’t live together & don’t even live in the same town.
Maybe you should do a little detective work. Let your kids stay with someone and go to where he is without him knowing it. If you don’t see any hanky panky going on with another female then maybe sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him. If there is something going on…well you got your answer.
Would you give up a job you love? I dont know the situation well enough to say your being selfish. From what I’ve read. Yeah kinda. His kids and a job HE LOVES is there. Trust me when I say if you want your man to be happy. Dont make him leave a job he loves. So.e people search their entire lives to find a career that they love. Asking him to leave it is selfish.
Not to mention. If you ask him to do all this. He’ll resent you for it later. How about you move.
If you love your job, you’re on a life long vacation!
Yes, you sound very selfish. You want him to give up what he loves for your benefit.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to move in with you!
Ok, it does sound selfish. He told you he’s thinking about it but yet your post is all about you and your needs. Does his kids live in the same city he works? Do not ask him to move away from his kids! He had this job since y’all got together. You knew his schedule and how it works. He is not a babysitter for your kids either. I get how you’re thinking here. Y’all been together for 4 years and want to see him more. But then you said you could work nights while he’s with your kids during the night so you don’t have to pay a fortune on child care. You do realize then you won’t see each other because he works days and you work nights. Then he’s watching your kids and moved away from his! Y’all aren’t married. You’re his gf. Guessing y’all haven’t considered marriage yet. Here’s what it sounds like. “He babe can you move here so you can help pay MY bills and watch MY kids while you’re missing yours who you left to be with me?” He will resent you! And what if y’all break up?
Let me add to this issue. If you have a custody plan for your own kids you have to ask your kids father about moving out of town with them and give notice about the move. And your BF probably doesn’t want to move away from his kids. You are the gf not wife. Honestly it is selfish of you to keep pressing this after he’s already told you he doesn’t want to change jobs.
You’re being selfish. All this post is about is you wants and needs. Its not about what you want
Should check of he has his cake and eating it to
I just read this again.no where do I read he has a full time job.
Only works every other weekend so that’s 4x a month!!
And the fact that hes not jumping at the fact of getting a better paying job is annoying…smh…I loved my hallmark job but it wasnt paying the Bill’s so I left and got a really great paying job which I love.
Why did u wait 4 yrs for him
I know becuz u believed in what u have…although it’s hard to really know if it’s a good union on only 4x a month
I dont think ur selfish that u want a family to unite
But I think its selfish u already plan for him to babysit…btw how would he if hes working🤔u mean care in the evening u will never see eachother graveyard shift…dont over extend urself
I would be pissed if I had a job that I absolutely loved, and my husband told me I had to quit. I get the kids thing with school but it takes two to make sacrifices in a relationship.
No. You want a better life with him. Ive pushed mine to get a better more stable job (he was a tile worker in phx) so it was either he made money or nothing at all and theres times where he didnt get a job for 2 almost 3 weeks. So no money. So i pushed him and now hes part of the Kroger family and enjoys it. Dont think youre being selfish for wanting a better future for the two of tou.
Also… Consider that one night a week may be the reason you get along. There’s definitely a conflict of interest here. I agree you should stay put but ultimately if he doesn’t want to make the sacrifice I’m afraid you’ll be at a stand still for a very long time. Love isn’t always enough.
If he had a job he likes, leave him alone. It will all work out.
If u don’t let him choose you’ll regret it