Am I crazy for wanting to see how this would play out?

I'm going through the hardest season in my life right now. I just want input from other people on my situation. Any kind words or advice is much appreciated. My husband & I have been married for 5 yrs. He & I have been best friends. I realize this is usually the time that marriages get tested the most. My husband has had a substance abuse problem for a little over a year. This all started when his mother passed away. We were dealing with it as best as we could. We talked about him going to rehab. Then I find out that I'm pregnant. This was a very joyous moment in our lives! We had always wanted children & this was the first (& only.) My husband was even more thrilled when he found out that he was having a son. He said everything would stop but we all know things don't usually work that way. My pregnancy had it's ups & downs bc he was still dealing with his addiction. For the most part he would get or do whatever I needed. I didn't work during my pregnancy because I was a little high risk. We had already gone through one miscarriage & didn't want to risk another. All of a sudden my husband starts staying out just an hour or two longer than usual. I felt like it was just due to his addiction & he lost track of time. Was probably around other people doing the same thing. People that I didn't approve of. Fast forward to my son's birth. My son had a couple of issues & the doctor at our local hospital said that he needed to get to a NICU. We were scared to death. My husband doesn't deal with hard things or his emotions very well. His response is usually to get mad or angry (which I know is very immature. It's just a poor way to cope.) He ended up getting kicked out of the hospital for hitting a door. He would never have hurt anyone but it shouldn't have happened. This scared the staff naturally. He was escorted off the premises. I'm sure he wasn't completely in his right mind then. Instead of having my husband with me at the NICU hospital (which was out of town.) I had my mother come. I was worried that he might act anyway up there & I needed support. We ended up being there 3 weeks! Thank God my baby is now 100% healthy! He just had a problem eating. COVID regulations at the time limited 2 people only during the duration of our stay. My husband called everyday to check in. He was naturally upset that he couldn't come & didn't want to understand why. When we get back to our home I'm absolutely blown away. I found out that my husband had been having an affair. They both share the same issue so I'm sure that's exactly how they met. My husband has never been a cheater. That was always something that I was convinced he would never do. Our entire family was shocked. I have legally filed for divorce from him at this point although I feel a bit foolish bc I don't feel ready. Supposedly he's in love with this "woman." I feel like he needs rehab. The only thing they share is their addiction. He knows that he needs rehab. He has admitted it. Currently he's incarcerated for just a bit due to making threats at a neighbor. He'll be back out in just a couple of months. He knows he can't come here. I had an order of protection issued due to his actions. Although he has never physically hurt me. I felt that I could not take the risk of him being around myself or our son because of his erratic behavior. I'm wanting to get him court ordered to a long term rehab. If he leaves then he could go back to jail. I feel like this would make him sober up enough to be the man & the person that I used to know. The problems that we have faced have been all due to addiction. Am I crazy for wanting to see how this would play out? If it would help him. Or do I just pack it up & move on. My spirit feels crushed by his infidelity. Is it worth working on it? I know either way it won't be easy.
33 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I crazy for wanting to see how this would play out?

Sweetie do what you think is best. If you truly feel this is all from addiction and truly think rehab would be best go for it. They will do counseling and you could be part of that process. I say go for it.

3 Likes

Coming from someone who struggled with addiction, I think its absolutely amazing that you want to help him get better. Not many addicts have that kind of support system… But in saying that, Ive been in some really messed up situations and not once have I slept with anyone. Nor cheated on someone because of my addiction. He knew what he was doing even if he was high. Honestly, you can always get him into a rehab, but keep in mind that an addict will only get the help they need if THEY want it, you cant force it or it wont happen, and if it does happen it wont last. Truthfully, only time will tell. Just give him the choice, either he goes to rehab and makes himself better for himself, your marriage, and your son, or he continues on the path hes going, continues ruining his life and being an addict, and gets with women simply because of the drug in common. Definitely a hard thing to go through, but like i said youre a wonderful person for supporting him and wanting to help him. Good luck mama, and if you need to talk more about what goes on in the mind of an addict and why they do what they do you can private message me! I will keep it private of course.

10 Likes

Every addict needs a co-dependent… Do some research. You deserve better

1 Like

Recovering addict here!! Forcing him into rehab will not help. He has to want it on his own.

7 Likes

Addiction makes people do stupid shit he didn’t do that shit sober I don’t blame you for wanting to see how it plays out and he doesn’t love that girl he loved how they had addiction in common and he could get away with being high around her I believe if he wants to be sober and stay sober you will have your man back but if he wants to continue down the road of addiction and drugs once he gets out of jail there is no sense of staying with him. I hope he chooses your son you and love or his addiction.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable behaviour? Do you want your on to treat women in the same fashion? Move on out of this mess. Divorce him and leave him to his drugs. Keep your son safe and build his resilience as he grows so he is better able to deal with challenges.

12 Likes

Personally, I’d divorce him & give him the tough love her needs. If losing his family is rock bottom, he may get real help.
If her doesn’t, it’s already done & you won’t have to worry about it.

6 Likes

Baby as someone who has been through this, DONT PLAY IT OUT. Jail will not change him in that aspect, nothing will until HE is ready to get clean. I’m so sorry you have went through all of this please please add me on here and mesaage me.

13 Likes

Move on. You can’t make him go to rehab! He’s not ready and doesn’t want a family! You deserve better

6 Likes

I might be wrong here, but could you be feeling a little bit of the “I don’t want to lose to another woman?” If my husband cheated and told me that he was in love with another woman, I would totally be done. He has to be the one to commit to rehab. I know it won’t be easy for you, but you’d be best to just move on. It sounds like he doesn’t know how to control himself.

2 Likes

You can’t force him to get help!!! It doesn’t work that way. Only way he will get and stay clean is if HE wants too!

2 Likes

It seems to me that you are making too many excuses for him at your own expense. Move on

10 Likes

You can’t love him into sobriety. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If he truly loves you or his child he will choose sobriety. Him loosing his child should push him in that direction. But ultimately it is up to him.
Be forth coming with the actions you are taking. Addiction=divorce. And if he’s in active addiction he not able to care for a child so he won’t see the baby either.

3 Likes

If jail or prison is anything like it is here, it won’t help him. Just make it worse and pretty much force him to join a gang to stay alive.
You can ask the judge to send him to rehab. Make it a court order thing. Most of the time they will

You’re enabling him honestly, you’re making excuses for all of this, please don’t. I know you love him and I’m so sorry this is now your reality but you can’t love him into becoming sober nor can you love him into not cheating on you. Don’t start your sons life surrounded by drama, commotion, and toxicity…he doesn’t deserve that.

15 Likes

Pack it up and move on.
He’s a grown man, needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
He cheated and ur willing to help him.
This isn’t a environment for you or ur son.

7 Likes

Your baby and you want the best for him , causes this? My guess. Go out, go on dates, tell him that’s what you’re doing, tell him thank you for pushing me out, I have never been so happy, don’t chase him, don’t beg him to come home, go on dates , fill your time.

1 Like

You are enabling him by placing blame on the substance and not him. HE is making these choices. HE is choosing to use. HE is choosing to cheat on you. HE is choosing to do these things. You need to leave. Get angry that he is doing this and is dangerous to you and your child. Stop being sad for him and it’s time to be mad. File for sole physical and legal custody of your child. Keep your child safe at all costs. The safety and well-being of you and your child must trump any love you have for him. Time to love yourself and your child more. You can do it.

9 Likes

Move on you deserve better.

I’m so sorry your going thru this. Addiction is not something a person can just turn off. He doesn’t want the help right now. Believe me… I’ve dealt with this almost my entire life…
If he isn’t willing to go to rehab then it probably isn’t going to work the way you want it too.
I’m being honest… you have a baby now focus on you and the baby and leave him be. If he truly loves you he’ll stop that mess and go home. If he doesn’t then he loves the addiction more.

He needs to get grief counseling so that he will have his self together to fight the addiction and it might be that once he is doing better at coping with his grief that he will just be able to stop his abuse of substance on his own

You need a good Naranon group. I’m letting you know he won’t change for the baby, he won’t change for you. Unless he goes to therapy to learn to change his coping skills nothing will change. Using drugs doesn’t make you cheat, especially when your baby is in the nicu. My fiancé was in active addiction for 5 years before I was able to get out. I love him dearly but my kids come first.

1 Like

Stop making excuses for him. He has done all these things. He is not a victim. Get the divorce. File for custody. Get your life back and stop wasting your time on him. He couldn’t even be faithful for the first 6 years of your marriage…

5 Likes

If he wanted to change he would he has to make that choice for his self I been with a couple of people with addiction problems and I myself have them too I had to choose to be better no one could do it for me and still to this day I’m tempted weather it be alcohol or drugs . Those other people I had to cut off,
my children deserve better. He has to make his own choices and take responsibility for his self and his own actions he chose that life style.
You and your baby deserve so much more.

The only way he’ll get and stay clean is if HE genuinely wants it. An addict can’t do rehab for anyone other than him/herself. He has to want to do the work. Recovery is a full time job in the beginning while in treatment.

2 Likes

Having been in pretty much same shoes and forcing the rehab he went for 6 months. It lasted a month and he was back at it. That is when I realized he only went cuz I forced him it did not work because he didn’t want to quit. As sad and as hard as it is if they don’t do it for themselves it will never be successful

The only thing I’m going to say is you pushing him to rehab it’s going to make him go the opposite way it sounds like you want this for your own selfish reasons and not for any way and for his health

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. The bottom line is though, is that he’s not ready for help until he’s ready for help.

If he was going to change he would have already. Drugs don’t make you cheat. You cheat because you consciously make that decision. And for him to do that while his baby and wife are in the nicu …. That’s low low. He gave u his answer he’s “in love” with this other women , don’t blame the drugs blame HIM don’t hold onto false hope move on and find someone who will treat u and that lil boy with the respect and love you deserve.

3 Likes

Rehab only works if hes ready to take that step. Forcing him into it will not help.
Concentrate on yourself and your baby. I know its hard when you love someone but you can’t help him until he wants that help.

3 Likes

Oh girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been through something similar. Waiting to see how it plays out is going to drag out the heartbreak. I know how important it is to support those you love going through difficult situations, but you can still support & encourage him while separated. He won’t get help or change until he wants to. You have to make yourself & your baby the priority, he’s not able to.

1 Like

Pack up and move on…until a addict hits rock bottom…and seeks help themselves…it will not work…

2 Likes

Close that door and focus on supporting yourself and your child.

1 Like

Focus on you and your baby. You can’t make anyone get clean. The infidelity alone should be enough for you to walk away. Start focusing on a life with you and your baby. Let your husband find his way on his own.

1 Like

All i read is you making excuses for him. Get the divorce, custody, child support. Etc. He hasnt WANTED help for yearsand you cannot help those that wont help themselves.

9 Likes

pack up and move on.

Stop making excuses for someone who clearly doesn’t give a :poop: about you or your child. He cheated and fell in love with another woman. Even if they fell in love over drugs, it doesn’t matter! Get a grip and let the dude go.

2 Likes

You can make excuses for him all you want but, she likes drugs and thats what he wants. You can’t win that battle. Don’t lose yourself for him.Hes already walked away. It’s hard but make a better life for you n son.

3 Likes

Your husband is an active addict with anger/abuse issues and he has been a cheater. You need accept the truths that are happening. If you haven’t start with a therapist asap. You e made great steps so far! You need to focus on making sure you are healthy. He has. Along long road ahead of him as an active addict and then hopefully a recovering addict. Right now he isn’t safe and you don’t know when he would ever be safe again.

I’m a recovering addict also, during my time things were really bad with my so and I but not once did I ever cheat on him, but there are some ppl who get that caught up in there heads and do things they regret later. With an addict you can’t force them to stop, nothing will make them see otherwise unless they want the help. Saying they want help and actually wanting it are 2 different things too. Maybe leaving and taking your son will be enough for him to change his ways, allow supervised visitation with drug testing, if he fails he can’t see his son. It could go either way but. This is a hard one it really is for everyone involved. I feel for you, if you need to chat I’m here.

Oh I’m sorry :disappointed:
If your pregnancy, then the birth, then the health scares, and the protective orders, then the filing for divorce donesnt scare him into getting sober, he hasn’t his his rock bottom yet and will not be willing to get sober. You have to move forward from thus and take care of yourself and your beautiful baby.
And also, being sober doesn’t solve the issues. It’s an ongoing battle for the rest of their lives. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and addict, so I understand this.
Move on.

2 Likes

You can’t change anyone not ready. That is his life now. Just because he acknowledges he ‘should’ be different, doesn’t mean he wants or is ready to be. Instead he’s allowing himself to freely spiral.
In a way that is a danger to others. Don’t waste your best years. That level of focus you want to give a grown man, your baby needs. He will have to pick himself by the bootstraps, not you or anyone else.

Speaking from experience…2 children who are recovering addicts and 1 ex husband who is an active addict and more friends who either dead due to addiction, active addicts or have made it into recovery…nothing will get your husband clean and sober until HE is ready for it. Drugs are very very easy to get in every single prison and not all that hard in most rehabs either. When he is ready, he will get into recovery. Until that time nothing you do will change anythings.

1 Like

Please get this book. Getting Them Sober: You Can Help! Getting Them Sober: You Can Help!: Drews, Toby Rice: 9780961599591: Amazon.com: Books It saved my life. I was in a similar situation years ago (barring the affair- but that’s just because she enables him- if he wasn’t an addict I doubt he’d be there) and this book showed me the things I could do to take care of myself. To make MY life better. And in turn to stop making excuses for him and enabling him. I always recommend this book to people in this situation. The only people you can make changes for are yourself and your son. (BTW my ex is sober for years now and a very successful business owner. It can happen. We never got back together but he is my friend and was/is an outstanding father and now grandfather. It can happen!)

As a new mother, take care of yourself and the baby. Don’t worry about your husband, if he wants to change, he will.

U can not will him to be sober!!! There is nothing on this earth u could say or do to change him. Addiction doesn’t work that way. Pot is not an addiction not a physical one anyway!!! He has to want to be clean not want to be clean for u or for the baby he has to want it for himself and it doesn’t sound like he does. So forcing him to get help would be like throwing a rock into a river and expecting it to swim!

Leave. He has to want the help and right now he doesn’t. Respectfully he may not have anything in common with this other woman but what happens if you “see how it plays out” and he still chooses someone else? What happens when you stand by him and he stays with you but relapses? Maybe he will maybe he won’t. Is this the life you want for you and your son? If anything you can hold off on the divorce but leave. Let him prove to you that he wants recovery and that he can maintain it. Don’t go back after he has a month sobriety. He has an addiction because he is not dealing with under lying problems. Until he deals with those he will go back 100x

Move on…not worth it my ex husband was the same way and even after 14 months in prison …didn’t change as promised (addicted to drugs and alcohol) it won’t change. You and your son are better off. Hugs to you

1 Like

Well you are the only one who can decide what you want. Yes you are 100%accurate about him needed rehab however he HAS to want it. You are right about the other woman I refer to that as a chemical romance and it’s not based on anything but a shared addiction. You can’t have a disaster around a newborn. He’s the only person who has to quit. It’s not easy and if he has people that he can crash with it’s going to take awhile for him to see his addiction as an issue. You can cry and beg and plead and it won’t make a difference because he is addict and that will win until he decides he’s done. I chose to wait. It took about 3 years. I never worried about the sad sacks he was banging because it was situational and about drugs so it wasn’t real or based on anything that mattered. I went through every stage of grief and when I was at the point where I just figured he was going to die and that was that then he finally got to his rock Bottom and now he’s 4 years +sober and he’s who he’s always supposed to of been. Things are good. We did couples counseling and we are a good team. He’s a good dad. It’s not something everyone can and wants to do. I was ready to give up it felt like forever but I also knew that it would be worth it and it has been.

1 Like

Just because he goes to rehab doesn’t mean he will stay clean. So my advice is take care of you and your son. He is not going to be able to do it

1 Like

You are doing the right thing. Keep going in the opposite direction of him. Go through with your divorce.

1 Like

Pack it up and move on. Expect to be a single mom with zero support from him and no financial help. You cannot and should not try to control any of this, no matter what you think is best. If it is forced, instead of him hitting rock bottom and doing it because he’s sick of the addiction, he will go right back to using. I have been through this. Left in 2006 when my daughter was 19 months. My ex has been more in prison than out. He’s in right now for 7 years. Just go on with your life.

Putting him in prison for even 10 years will do no good if he isn’t ready to let the addiction go. It may be out of his system in 10 years, but the craving is and will always be there and as long as he knows where he can go to get it no time at all being put away will make a difference.

1 Like

Although it will take a lot of soul searching and healing and figuring out what your going to do next, just leave. He’s shown his true colours, and you can’t make someone get better. This unfortunately is the life he chose over you and your children. You gotta be strong for yourself and you kids and just move forward, otherwise they will see everything you will continue to go through.

You should have moved on the second you found out he had a substance addiction. :woman_shrugging:t2:

My brother was on substances through his ex’s pregnancy (and loss) of twin girls at 23 weeks and her pregnancy and healthy delivery of his third child. He is still on substances almost two years later, has a new girlfriend younger than his youngest sibling, and has been so bad that he tried to Hotwire his ex’s car and made her and his daughter have no means of transportation. He has been in and out of jail on multiple felonies and facing prison time, he’s still on substances. Nothing will make him get clean unless he wants to be. And clearly if he’s carrying on with another woman while your child is in the nicu, getting sober is the last thing he is thinking about.

3 Likes

You can’t MAKE him get clean. He won’t get clean for you. He won’t get clean for his son. He won’t do it for his job, family or friends. He wouldn’t even do it for a million dollars. The only thing that will make him sober, is HIS desire to be sober. Then, for the rest of his life, he will struggle to stay clean. You’re right though, this other woman, she’s there because they share the same addiction. With her, all he has to do is get high and not worry about anything else.

I am proud of you though. Most women come on here asking what they should do when they find out their husband is having an affair. The answer, is exactly what you did. File for divorce.

Now, I’m not saying that him being an addict means that he can’t be a father, but I would be very cautious. To him, the addiction is the most important thing. I understand that he’s currently locked up, but when he gets out, do not let him “stay with you” until he gets on his feet and as long as he is using, don’t let him alone with the baby. There is no telling what could happen. We hear all to much these days about addicted parents who weren’t paying attention and their child(ren) ingested their drugs and died.

You struggled to have a child. Now you have a healthy baby boy. Protect him at all costs… even if that means protecting him from his father.

Good luck!

4 Likes

Move on , he has to fight for himself, in order to work. If he becomes healthy, then talk about things then…

3 Likes

As a former addict until HE is ready to help himself, u can’t help him no matter what u do. He has to want it bad enough to do something about it, BC the thing about an addict, we will tell u what u want to hear to get u off our backs.

5 Likes

I wish I could share my experience but it shows that I have worse this to others !!! I have 4 year and it’s still the same is all I can say it started way be she was born or I had met him I just didn’t know .

That isnt how addiction or recovery from active addiction work. You can’t try to manipulate this to work the way you want it to. You need to pack up and go. Maybe one day your paths will bring y’all back together, but you have to do what’s best for you and your child. If he wants recovery then he will choose recovery. It can’t be forced, it can’t be threatened… it has to be his choice for his own good

3 Likes

I think you need to do what you need to do to give you peace and if that is riding it til the end (as long as your son isn’t in danger) than do that. Addiction makes us do things that we wouldn’t normally so if he gets clean he could see things very different. I’ve been there. Your more than welcome to reach out if you need to but do what you feel is right. No one else. You have to live with your choices, make sure you find peace.

1 Like

Me would put the divorce on hold just for a little bit but give him a time line ultimatum rehab by this date and both of you in therapy together and separate. If he refuses then do the divorce bc he not you has to want to get and stay sober. Maybe one day he can be clean and sober and the man you knew but he has to want it. I left my ex after 7 yrs of drugs and jail. I tried to fix him but couldn’t an in the end needed to save myself. Thankfully we had no kids but you do and need to do what’s best for him not you bc he will get hurt seeing this and always waiting for dad to show up.

All I keep reading is excuses. You have “excused” his entire behavior for his addiction. It know it hurts, but that was HIM that slept with that woman, that was HIM that fell in love with her. Sure the addiction helps his courage to do all of this, however it is him preforming these actions. He has anger issues that aren’t even worth dealing with, he can’t even understand why he was booted from the hospital. He isn’t worth the time it took you to type all this out. Move on so fast you get whiplash girl!

7 Likes

It isn’t worth it tbh. If you stay with him or around him especially with his lashing out and substance abuse you are setting yourself up to lose your child. Stay FAR from him. He doesn’t want help,he wants to stay addicted and stay with a woman with the same issue. He chose those over you and baby.

5 Likes

Pack it up n move on. Addiction relationship like most are, or not, kick him to the curb

I havent read all the comments but I am here to say right now your baby is #1. You need to legally divorce him and separate entirely or you could be facing your child being removed from your custody or even worse. This sounds harsh and extreme but its the reality. From this post he seems to be out of control and does not need to be around any child or infant. Drugs make people, even parents, do unthinkable things. Look up Kamarie Holland…this is a 5 year old from my town that was allegedly sold for drugs by her own mother then raped and murdered. This happened right before Christmas and still has our whole area torn up.

You cant blame drugs for affiar he could of done so without. Do you want your son growing up thinking what his dad did was OK? You need to leave and rehab isn’t some magical place where all your problems will go away what happens when life gets hard again. He’s got to want to be clean and stay clean before considering allowing him back. Most rehabs say you need to be single over a yr into your recovery to prevent chance of relapse and to work on yourself

1 Like

As a recovering addict. I must say sobriety is a selfish act. It must be. He must want to do it for himself and no one else. Not even his son. I’m a mother and three kids weren’t enough to keep me sober. It would be best to move on as it’s gonna take a long time for him to get on the right path. Even after he chooses to get sober he has to choose to stay sober everyday and that’s not an easy thing to do.

4 Likes

Please leave, you do not want this life for you or your child. He has an untreated addiction he has yet to get help for, an anger issue, criminal record, and has cheated on you… I’m assuming the person you married has changed and evolved into something you didn’t sign up for, especially now you have a child to think about. I’m so sorry, this sucks so much but leaving is the best thing you can do for you and your child.

When I started to read this , l looked at the length :upside_down_face:and I thought my god 80 people made it to the end … lfeel like such a quitter :nerd_face:

1 Like

You cant change someone. They have to want it. He is not there yet. It’s not fair you wait around for him an out your life on hold. Having a child didn’t change anything. So you have to move on with your child an live the best life you can.

2 Likes

He already told he loved this women, what more do you need. If he loved you, he wouldn’t have had an affair, he would have got help for his addictions, he would have been there with you and your child while he was in the hospital. Right now, he is in love with himself, and the other women. You can’t change that. Its time for you move and be happy.

3 Likes

Been there. You sound very mature and knowledgeable about addiction and the consequences of it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume from a couple of your statements that his drug of choice is methamphetamine. If that’s the case you need to be aware that there’s only a 1% recovery rate. I’m not saying that to discourage you and saying that so that you’re aware and can make informed choices. In addition to myself being there my best friend also was there. Due to how prevalent fentanyl is there’s a huge chance that he will overdose if he’s lucky he won’t die. Don’t sink in the moment don’t make choices in the moment look down the road five years at what life would look like if he’s still in active use. I made a choice to live separate but not to divorce. After what my best friend went through I chose not to divorce because one day somebody is going to need to identify the body and take care of the remains and it might as well be somebody who will do it with love and respect. Also if he dies and you are still married you will receive widow’s benefits and your child will receive survivor’s benefits. I know it’s an uncommon piece of advice but it’s an option you don’t have to divorce when a complete separation will work. And yeah the whole cheating thing is painful but I agree it has nothing to do with sex it has to do with the drug there ain’t no love there for each other all they love is getting high and nobody bitching at them about it.
I would tell you that while he’s in jail if you start getting those wonderful loving jail letters just returned letters with check into Rehab on your release but a 30-day program ain’t going to help a 90-day program ain’t going to help maybe a 6-month program will but it has to be one that treats the mental health issues that push the addiction.
Whatever you do don’t stay with him don’t go back to him until he has successfully completed treatment and has lived on his own for 6 months because then you will see whether it’s effective or not. If you’re able to be a supportive friend if you’re not able to then have minimal contact. I really really truly wish you strength and all the best and make sure that you get Some therapeutic support so that you don’t become bitter.
And sorry for any spelling and grammar errors sometimes voice text sucks

Addictions leave insecurities and harm everywhere. My vote he must go to rehab and follow with counseling or outpatient treatment. He must be screened for anger issues and make sure they are drug related. Till then save for the future. Although I am hoping for success you also must prepare for what if. In between get therapy. Perhaps he can get therapy and job training while you incarcerated

1 Like

Divorce seems like the best choice for you and your son. Move on. He has too many issues and doesn’t need you to fix him. That could take a lifetime or perhaps never. Let the new lady and his life deal with him. He’s always going to been addicted to something: drugs, sex, violence, etc.

He has to do for himself otherwise it’s always gonna be a battle time to just pack up n leave u need to think about ur son I have seen some of my l family go there this with there loved ones n it’s hard but u need to just leave get the divorce he needs to want to help himself not the other way around

Move on & baby with your live without him- u deserve better-

He will not change and go for rehab unless he wants to do it. You can however stay separated and go for counseling yourself so you know better how it works and where you should go from here. You and your son are your first priority.

3 Likes

If he is admitting he wants help, than yeah stay, if you choose. But it also does sound like something you might be trying to push, him going to a rehabilitation center. It doesn’t sound like he really wants too get better. I mean I read that he told you, he’s in love with the other woman. Unless he is willing to work on him mostly, you and your family, I would say run!!! Cause hes not going to be bettering himself anytime soon…:heartpulse:

1 Like

I’m so sorry you had to go through this while trying to have your child you have to protect this child Being separated from your husband is a good thing right now do you realise drunks like a drinking partner who don’t tell them to get sober and do often feel they love the drinking partner And this is his problem not yours until he can say I’m an alcoholic nothing can work out

Leave while you can. Unfortunately addiction does ugly things to people, I’ve seen it first hand and although you know he wouldn’t be the type to harm you or your child while sober you unfortunately don’t know if he’d harm either of you while under any influence. You’ll end up resenting him later if you keep waiting and hoping for the best during this trying time in his life. Let him be alone and see what his addiction has made him lose and make him choose soberity on his own.

Pack up and move on. Drugs have ruined many many relationships. If u stay you are enabling his behavior and do u want that around your child??? No way

2 Likes

Oh honey. He hit a doctor (correction, door) That is hurting someone. He’s in jail for making threats. You are minimizing the danger and risk. Protect yourself and your child from him

2 Likes

It won’t get better. Your child deserves better. This isn’t fair to your son. It’s fine if you want to deal with the toxic bull sh*t but your child should not have to. He’s proven to you that he doesn’t care.

1 Like

Do both; get him the help. He is the father of your son and he deserves a chance to get better because addiction isn’t something you can quit on your own. Pack up and leave, and concentrate on building a steady life of your own without the rollercoaster; but give your son a chance to know his father and if he can’t complete the rehab, then your son doesn’t need him in his life and at least you can walk away with your head up knowing that you tried and you didn’t just give up on him. Don’t get him help for your relationship, you should move on from that, but get him help for the sake of the relationship between father and son.

1 Like

Endless red flags. Take care of your son and move on.

2 Likes

Unfortunately court ordered rehab rarely works. You can’t help those who don’t want help. He doesn’t. I know you want to keep your family together but you’re making excuses for him. Stop doing that. It’ll hurt, but divorce him, stop having contact with him. He won’t change until he wants to…if that ever happens.

4 Likes

Sorry- it’s ‘an inside job’. You didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it. Make arrangements to get away from him asap.

2 Likes

He’s not going to change until he is ready to change. Despite sending him to rehab, if he isn’t ready then it will continue.

1 Like

Its easy to say move one because in the eyes of an outsider itsthe best and safe thing to do …I speak from experience that drug is no Joke been there myself many yrs ago I have 5 beautiful babies and Currently going thru the exact same thing 1 thing I will say is Uf uts worth fighting for and IF he changes go for it thats ur lil Family …But in all Honesty They never change only for a while enough to not loose the best thing they ever had…And once ur bak so r they…But I wish u nothung but the best …

You can still be there for him without drowning with him in his problems. Its exhausting…i tried for years. Do whats best for you and your son. If you think you can stick with him and that his behavior will honestly change then do what you thinj is best but ive been there and its draining in everyone. If he doesnt take hard things well he needs to start there and learn other coping mechanisms…most of the time theyre not ready to and by the time they are, its too late for the repair in the relationship. Follow your gut. When youre ready to do whats best for you guys you will…and like k said yih can still be there for him without puttin yourself through more hell. :heart:

You are kind for caring about him getting the help he needs, but you are done. Done. He showed you the man he is, and that he doesn’t prioritize you or his son.

My cousin has been in rehab 14 times. Jail 6. Every time he says he is ready to change. Comes out and goes right back to the drugs. He goes to rehab to please my aunt. She ran through her entire savings trying to fix him. You cannot fix someone, they have to want to fix themselves. You can hang around forever waiting for him to get better, but until he wants to, he wont.

1 Like

Personally i would leave i wouldnt want drugs or thst kind of behaviour around my son. He will only change when he wants change no one can make that choice but him hopefully one day he will wake up and realize what he had. So sorry your going through this best of luck to you and your family

Will you really ever feel secure ? Will you full trust that he is not high or cheating or both ? Will that really be a good way to spend forever? Be his friend, help him be a good dad and help yourself move on to a relationship you can have faith in .

If the addiction never gets accountability and he gets healing…could you see your son who will learn the observed behaviors 9n that same road. 1 month sober, no,2 months sober, no… 6months -1 year with treatment and ongoing care, plan and accountability… maybe. Don’t tell yourself ots for your kid to stay together… :100:. It’s for your kid you protect him from patterns, behaviors and addiction cycles. Be honest with yourself so much it hurts. Write it down, what would you tell your little sister with you current knowldge. I’m so sorry you are having to face all this in what is on the other side such an amazing part of your life’s journey.

Behaviors, patterns and actions are what you grown from.

Sending you all my prayers.
I was you 10 years ago. My son is healthy, happy and loves his Dad and has learned to have healthy boundaries with him.

Addicts lie, addicts manipulate, addicts spin everything for the next high… those are patterns of behavior regardless of being in a high of not. You and your child deserve a shot at the best, healthiest life possible.

There is a reason the hospital acting to his violation so strongly. They know the pattern of abuse and qoukd not risk the staff, or others to his behavior.

It will get easier… it will be better for yoy and your son down the road. I remember that 1st year… I sold plasma to buy diapers. The second year, I worked my butt off, relocated with a one way ticket with my son for a job…and haven’t looked back since. I have no college degree, have a fulfilling career with an amazing salary. We have a tribe of people and I stay very active to have strong role models in his life. You got this and never look back. If he wants to be a Dad… he will make it happen.

I can’t figure out one good reason to give you to keep him around