New mama here, just turned 20, boyfriend is away in the military, living in my own house with little one and working 5 days a week with only my mother being able to help me with babysitting.So my boyfriend (sons father) family live an hour and a half away. Recently his mom has began messaging him saying how it is unfair to them that they don’t get to see the baby. Meanwhile, NO ONE has texted to check up on him or has even tried to Facetime him. When my boyfriend tells her that I have my hands full and that I don’t feel comfortable with my baby staying down there with them without his father there (for reasons my boyfriend understands) she comes back with “you should’ve had a baby to someone who cares about your family seeing him” , “it’s not an option for us to go down there and is not feasible for our family” , “it’s not normal for a mom to not be okay with their child staying away from them” , or saying to my boyfriend “why would you be okay with this knowing your family wouldn’t agree” and even calling me an indecent mother, the reasons she has for saying that I have no clue other than feeling like she/they all feel entitled to my baby when no effort is put in whatsoever. (disclaimer* my boyfriend has stood up for me to an extent when she says this thing but it is his family and he’s afraid to really tell them how he feels because he doesn’t want to push them away)At this point it hurts, to feel like they don’t care enough to check in on him or make him a priority when they have time for everything and everyone else + travel 3+ hours for other things/people. I know my baby does not deserve that and I am to the point where if they want to be in his life, they will be and if they aren’t it’s their choice. Therefore, I refuse to drive him down there because my baby deserves to be prioritized and I do not deserve to be made to feel like shit for setting boundaries and expecting that out of people. Am I wrong?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I in the wrong from setting boundaries?
Not , you are not!!! If they really want to be a part of your baby life they will make a effort , and complaining about it it’s not a part of that .
If they want to be in the babies life they should make the effort. Thats how I see it with my 10 year old and 8 1/2 month old. My infant doesn’t stay anywhere he’s always with me or his father. I was the same way with my 10 year old till she was 1 1/2-2…… you have to set boundaries bc I feel like if you don’t they won’t/don’t respect you as the mother!
What’s your boundary exactly? Not engaging with them unless they speak to you directly or what? I mean, they haven’t done anything to you and your boyfriend seems to be holding his own w them fine. They sound like terrible people, you’re probably better off they don’t make the effort
If his family wants to see the baby, they can come to you. Your boyfriend is just trying to keep the peace with his family. Don’t be too hard on him
Hell to the no! You are not wrong at all. And what mother sends her baby without herSELF being there!? That’s just crazy, they sound wacko to me.
You’re NTA. Your bf needs to realize you & y’all’s baby come first. That’s what happens when you create a family. If they wanna see y’all’s child they’ll make an effort, it’s not your responsibility to cater to them(esp when you’re working full time and raising y’all’s kid without your other half atm).
Absolutely not wrong. Keep setting those boundaries! It sounds like it’s more about control and manipulation than it is about the baby. But also they aren’t the ones that have to pack a diaper bag with everything a tiny human needs then load said tiny human into a car seat and drive to them. If they want to see him they can come to you.
If they want to see the baby, all they have to do is pick up the phone and ask. You can say yes or no, or tell them what would work, maybe a 1 hour playdate at a park. Thank your boyfriend for standing up for you both, and ask him not to tell you every detail of their complaints. It’s only more stress for you when he’s not there.
No your not wrong and bless your boyfriend for standing beside you. When his parents are negative towards you that’s when to jump in and say that’s why she doesn’t come. You do what’s right for you and yours
If they want the kid overnight why can’t they compromise to come halfway etc. My in laws live in the same town as me…my husband goes away for work. I have seem his mom 1 in 2 months his dad 3 times in 2 months I live about 10 minute walk away from.both. I had to give up caring my kid deserves better. And a happier mommy then one stressing out kver people who don’t give a rats behind about us.
I’d block them for a while.
Send a message, speak your mind & let it go. Let your bf know you’re done with them until they grow up. You aren’t responsible for them seeing the baby.
Why can’t they visit you. Invite them over say sorry I can’t get that way but your more than welcome to come visit.
You are not wrong F them I say. They can come to you if they want to see your child. As for going there it’s not an option not only do you have a new born but you are working. Why are they contacting their son and harassing him at work when he’s away I feel for your boyfriend. You stand your ground girl, it’s easier for them to come to you, having a baby in such a long drive is stressful. Give your Mum cuddles she’s awesome being there for you and her grandchild. Don’t ever allow them taking baby for any length of time away from you, it’s not what’s best for your child. Being a grand parent is a pleasure not a right.
Stand your ground . Exactly what you say here . They make zero effort , is ON THEM . It is NOT your responsibility to make sure they have a relationship with the baby . It is theirs . Your baby shouldn’t be away from anyways . I feel ya , I don’t have my kids away . Family or not twisted people come from those closest to us . You are not obligated to meet their needs . You work , you’re a full time mother . That it be that .
It goes both ways, you couldn’t have made that baby with them. Please include them in your baby’s life. Are you sharing pictures of baby , and mile stones with them. They may not feel welcome coming to your place to see baby
No, that is your baby and as a mom protect from
The unknown! I
Would trust no one with my child ! You can’t just take off
If you have a job either!
How would one facetime with a baby?
And why do you keep calling your son “my baby” when you should be saying “our baby” since it’s not only your child?
Honestly the rest is just pointless drama
If they want to spend time with him they need to come to you where you and your son will be comfortable instead of you traveling with a baby to be around people that obviously don’t like you
Okay stop right there. I was never comfortable with my daughter staying with anyone ever. She was like 10 when she had her first sleepover and she hates them she doesn’t want to be away from home either.
Yeah id be like you want to see the baby then you can come down to visit otherwise it isn’t my problem
You will eventually grow up… you are a child. This not a boundaries issue, it is a childish issue…
Nah they can come to you or not… that is their choice. I wouldn’t want to drive far with a baby and you do have your hands full. They can get over themselves.
First off none of my babies stayed with anyone until they could speak. Second it wasn’t with people who already show they don’t like me. NTA
If people want to see your children they will find the time to come visit. It’s not your responsibility to take your kids everywhere just so people can see them. The child will remember who made them a priority and who didn’t.
They could hop themselves in the car and come visit him when it is convenient for you! You don’t owe them anything. You work full time and take care of your little one which is like having two full time jobs. If they can’t figure that out then they have bigger issues.
If they can’t make the effort, don’t worry about it. Seriously, it’s not your job to push a relationship between them and your child. YOUR CHILD. They have nothing to say/do with your child. I’ve tried pushing a relationship and it never works. If they can’t even bother to call you/the child then that’s on them!!! He should tell them to take it up with you, then he doesn’t have to deal with it be likely they won’t. They’re essentially strangers, their choice, and live too far to reasonably even expect for you to allow an overnight…. Blood doesn’t mean anything
Nope you do you hun if they wanna see him they will come n don’t let them stay with ya they sound toxic
You are not wrong! But maybe just try to reach out to her. By no means am I saying to send your baby there or even drive out to see her. But maybe you can FaceTime her or send pictures. Yes, she should be the one reaching out to you or expressing her feelings to you, not her son that is away at work. But it wouldn’t be hard to just send her pics
Have you invited them to you place. ￼try face timing them. Try compromise.
They can come visit baby
It’s two way street you could’ve sent some pic and just be honest with her straight up
It is not your job to make your child available to everyone, family included. It seems to me there might be a little toxicity on that side of the family. I wouldn’t want my kiddo picking up their entitled, toxic traits anyways.
It would be easier for them to come to you as loading up a baby and all the stuff needed is a lot.
If they can’t call or anything to check up on him that is their problem. Best of luck
Your baby, your life, screw them…sometimes you have to eliminate toxic family from your life for your own health and stress … do you, that’s all you need to do. Kudos to hubby for having your back.
You are right …. But tried to make peace with his family for his sake . It’s beautiful when both family get alone.
If you’re not comfortable with your child being in their care, you don’t have to have your child there. That is all.
YOU ARE 100% right… I AGREE WITH YOU!!!
You are absolutely not wrong the road goes two ways. If they want to see your baby they can come to you especially if you’re already working 5 days a week. Stick to your guns.
I wouldn’t think to facetime a baby. Have you invited them to your house? Sounds like they want to see the baby. It could be worse they couldn’t ask at all.
They can come see him.
Don’t let toxic people make you feel bad about setting boundaries. I’m not letting my kids stay with/be around people who won’t have anything to do with me or I see unfit to be around my kids and idgf if it makes anyone mad. Doesn’t matter what their “title “ is. They’re your kids and it’s your job to protect them. If they really wanted to see the baby, they would come. By all means be reasonable but stand your ground.
Setting boundaries is healthy and your boyfriend has your back.
if they wanna see the baby and are asking to see the baby, why dont u go down for a day and spend the day with his family? or invite them up to u for dinner? unles im missing something here…
Maybe meet her half way once in a while and let her see the baby over lunch or a play date
You are absolutely not wrong. If they truly wanted to be apart of your babies life, they would most definitely make the effort. Them coming to you vs you dragging everything you would need to take for a newborn to them, with no help from the father while he is gone. Would be 100 times easier and they should know that.
Excuses are just that. Sounds more like they just want to complain to the boyfriend about you and make you look bad than actually see your kid🤷🏼♀️ Especially when they can go on other trips but not make the trip to see y’all. That’s just them wanting to complain about you to him. He needs to 100% be on your side and not just “to an extent” stand up for you, if y’all decide to get married.
If they actually wanted to see your child they would be calling YOU to arrange something while your bf is away.
It’s not difficult. I have been divorced for like 7 years+ & my ex in laws still call me to make plans with my children when it can’t be arranged on their fathers time.
Sounds like they don’t want to make an effort, but don’t want to look bad either.
U r not wrong. It may help to build a better relationship with your baby’s other grandparents. Perhaps meet them at a park for a couple hours that would be halfway for both of u. At least make an attempt so no one can ever say u didn’t
Seems like everyone needs to make a effort for the child to know it’s family. Family is so important.
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. At the end of the day sometimes family is all we have. I would keep peace. One day you might really need their help. You won’t be able to ask because you burned your bridges.
Childcare and free time is childcare and free time! By the second child, 3rd cousins twice removed look like a viable solution
God no, she sounds awful. She wants to see how she can travel to see him or FaceTime you. It’s not normal to drag a baby 3 hours for entitled grandma’s and watch them they always end up crossing some kind of line
Nope you aren’t wrong. My mil saw our son a bunch at first but only because we took him there. Once we stopped she only saw him twice at our place. Its now been 2 years since shes seen him. There are lots of other issues on why she will never see him or my other bios ever again but i refuse to be the only one who puts in the effort for people to see my kids.
You are NOT wrong !!! If they want to see the grandson, they can drive over to see him. End of story.
No you are not wrong. This mother sounds toxic. I’m sorry!
You are not wrong! I had the same issue. It’s very difficult to pack up everything needed. I also believe if they were that passionate about seeing him, they would. While you do what you can to keep peace, do not cave on everything. I did for a long time and I’m still paying the price. My oldest is a senior in high school.
No your not wrong I’m in that situation with my husband’s parents before we moved to his dad’s his mom lived 5 minutes away from us and absolutely would not come over to see my babies ever unless it was Christmas or their birthday or if my husband invited her for dinner which wasn’t very often she now lives with us at my husband’s dad’s house and still literally has nothing to do with the kids she rather play her computer all day long
No, the baby could flip out he doesn’t know those people. It’s on them to make a point to be involved, and not be forceful with it. Like hell she would let her kid go where she wasn’t comfortable, she shouldn’t expect you to do it either.
I don’t know any grandparents that would not jump in their car to see their grandchild. You aren’t wrong. Like your boyfriend said your plate it full and if they really want to see their grandchild then get in the car. Hang in there. You are doing you best and they need to be more understanding.
Sounds like she’s more interested in talking you down then putting effort into seeing her grandchild.
You are not in the wrong at all. It’s a 2 way street. If they want to be in baby’s life they put in the effort. Feeling entitled to make you travel to them, leave baby, travel back to get him is ridiculous.
Effort goes both ways!!
Instead of your boyfriend being the middle Man, why don’t you BE the grown up and invite her round for a cuppa… if she refuses or doesn’t turn up then Atleast you can’t say you haven’t tried x
no, jou qare not wrong. but the only one that suffers is joutr baby in the long runn, by not getting to know there other grandparents. it happened to me i,am now 80 plus and didnt gett to know my 2 grandkidds. i would have gladly driven to wherever she wanted me , but that didnt happen for whatever reason she had either. might have seen them 2 or 3 times in the beginning.when the girl was 18 she contacted me from another state NSW , and tryed to find out why???i explained . the reasons i really to this date i cant understand myself. i stayed in contact with her for awhile but in the end we had little to say to each other , because there was too much time gone by. i guess i just gott a mean daughter in law, and my son was too nice for her. ( my advice, dont lett this happen.)
You are not in the
Wrong. My dad has stage 4 cancer and he’s recently been in and out the hospital. He will move mountains to see his grandkids. He shows up at all their football games and even picks them up from school from time to time. There is no excuse!
Why don’t you just invite them down to see the baby. Don’t get all emotional or hormonal about it or your acting like her. If they come fine. If they don’t he can tell her stop complaining. Extend the olive branch because your baby deserves as many people in his life that will love him.
No you aren’t wrong. My son is 3 and I’m the same way. If you can’t make my son a priority, then you don’t need to be in our life
No. Keep your boundaries. If they can’t call and/or text to check on him, FaceTime him, or make any effort to see him then fuck em. I get not being able to travel often or whatever but there is face time now so IMO no excuse not to know someone or at least be familiar with them. No excuse not to text. No excuse they can travel here there and every where and not come see him either. Seems like she’s also trying to cause issues in your marriage. Toxic.
My best friend once told me this and I live by it. “Just cause you have a title to my child (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) doesn’t mean you’re entitled to my child” They need to understand you’re the parents its not just up to your babys daddy where your child goes or who they see
You’re not wrong … stay strong
Tell the family to come visit, for the day when you aren’t working.
Nah you aren’t just for the exact reasons…You want to visit bring ya tale to visit m! And you ain’t keeping my baby away from me if I don’t want him to be there
Invite them for a Sunday dinner or whatever. If they don’t come, shame on them.
90 minutes does not seem unreasonable to visit on a Saturday. My opinion. Have you invited them down on the weekend? Seems like you don’t get along and are trying to justify it. Try a little harder. You may find happiness in the visits. Once the baby starts feeling their love, you might be able to leave the baby for the week in the future and give yourself a break too
If they really wanted to see the baby they would come to you. You shouldn’t have to travel long distances with a little baby that just sounds selfish on their part.
Invite them over and make it known you’re open to them visiting and leave it at that.
You are working full time, tell them you are exhausted but they are welcome to come and visit the baby. But you are NOT up to driving anywhere on the weekend.
Not in the wrong in the slightest. We all need to learn to not question ourselves, when setting boundaries.
If I had to endure this situation, I would reach out to the “grandma” (without bfs blessings) and try to have a conversation about it. As someone who has family any where to 1-2 hrs away and nobody but my almost 82 grandpa comes up to visit, you get tired of being the only person. And fuck whomever says it’s not normal for a mom to not be okay. My son didn’t stay the night anyway without me. He was two before I agreed to go overnight (one) night without him. Especially if the baby is still young. My sons other biological “grandma” has only met him once. That was when he was 5. I refused to let her call herself grandma to him. That shit is earned. Just not given
If you choose to drive down for a day visit w the baby and then drive home, that’s great. If they come and do the same for you, that’s great.
If they bad mouth you to their son? Not great
F that! If they want to see the baby, they need to make the effort. It’s not your responsibility, you’re a busy mom who has to handle things while her HUSBAND is away. It’s hard to juggle work, child, home by yourself let alone have people harassing you what you’re not doing for them. let them put in the work.
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Lmao tell them to eat shit… keep setting boundaries girl, not wrong at all
You’re not wrong. They should put forth the effort if it matters so much to them.
This is me. If someone wants to have a relationship with my kids, they can make the effort My boyfriend’s family hasn’t even met our second son because they won’t make the effort to make a plan to come and visit. Our first son hardly knows them because again they don’t make the effort. It’s not my responsibility to make sure anyone has a relationship with my kids and I could care less if that hurts people’s feelings
My mother and her husband have travelled 5hrs just to see my baby, if they want to be in bubs life then they need to make that effort. Stand strong māmā
Lmao fucking drama queen…the grandparents make an effort or tough tit… simple. Been there done that. Don’t take that bs. Stand your ground.
Invite them and see if they come. Send pictures.
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I wouldn’t want to bring my baby somewhere I don’t feel welcome.
Your mother in law is a liar and is wrong! It I in no way shape or form normal for a young mother to be okay with being away from her children. I was never away from my babies! And hell no I would NOT ever have sent my baby 90 mintues away for days at a time without me! Would never happen! You stand up for yourself. You speak your truth and your peace.
They should call you up and ask what a good time to come and visit with the baby
Do you invite them to come by
You need to tell them exactly what you are telling us! And be done with it! This is your life not theirs! And make sure you stick to it!
You’re not wrong. If they want to bad mouth while you are doing all you can for baby is have cut them off period. Not all family is family, some are toxic.
Ur not wrong for setting boundaries. Ur boundaries aren’t unreasonable. If they have time to travel 3+ hours for other things, I dont see why they can’t make the trip to come see the baby. Maybe sometimes you could make the trip to, to show them you are being unreasonable. Invite them over and maybe one day when baby is older, baby could stay for a couple of days with his family. Or you could stay a couple days down there
It’s not up to you to make sure they see your baby. And I would not let your baby spend the night. They may be family but they are strangers!
Been there!! Don’t feel bad about your choice!!! Love your child and boyfriend, visit occasionally with the baby’s father family because not all of them are like his mother (controlling).
It is your baby,protect him at all cost. This lady sounds very possessive. (MIL).You all can visit or they can come to you when daddy is home.
If they cared about the baby they would call, txt, message, write a letter and ask you how the baby is doing! They would offer to come to you! If it really matter to them they would make effort.
But them acting like this is just the start.
I have 2 kids 11 about to be 12 and my son 2 1/2 and I still wouldn’t trust certain people that are family to watch them. That’s called being a parent.
Baby is to small to stay away from mom. Road goes 2 ways, they can drive come see y’all