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QUESTION:
"Back story- we have a beautiful daughter who’s going to be turning 5 years old soon. When she was 2 years old, her grandma (husband’s mom) bought her a couple fancy dresses as gifts. She has bought our daughter clothing as gifts for her birthday, Christmas, and also “just because “ and I have always made it a point to dress my daughter in the clothes that grandma bought for her (if the clothing fit at the time) when we visit grandma. There has been a couple times when some dresses haven’t fit my daughter until the following year and then as soon as they fit and weather permitting, I would dress my daughter in the dresses when visiting grandma so grandma could see them. However, these 2 fancy dresses were more for church/Easter/wedding and were sort of impractical to dress my daughter in for just a trip to grandmas house. At the time, my daughter was in desperate need of pajamas, so I returned the dresses to the store and bought her winter pajamas instead. For years since then, it has been thrown in my face and snide remarks made by grandma that she “never sees my daughter in the clothing that she buys for her” even though I have always dressed my daughter in the clothes grandma buys when we visit grandma, with the exception of the 2 fancy dresses that I returned for pajamas. The debate- My husband says that when a grandma buys a grandchild clothing as a gift, it’s because they expect to see that child in the clothing that they bought! I think that when you buy a child a “gift”, it is supposed to be from the kindness of your heart, not with strings attached. Or if there’s strings attached, I wish I had been made aware of those strings when the gift was given. Grandma no longer buys my daughter clothing and if she does buy her clothing, she keeps the clothing at her own house and when my daughter spends overnights there (very rare) she will put my daughter in the clothes she bought instead of anything that I packed for her so that she can see her in the clothing that she bought. I have no problem with that. I am a first time mom and never knew that when grandparents “gift” a child clothing, it is with the expectation of seeing them in the clothing and that it’s not ok to return things to the store for something my child needs?? Also, if we visit grandma and I dress my daughter in an outfit that my parents (daughter’s other grandmother) bought for her, grandma (husband’s mother) has a fit! This has gone on for years ever since our daughter was a baby. This behavior has destroyed my relationship with my mother in law and she has called me a nasty person numerous times over the years. My husband always sides with his mother and I’m always made out to be the bad guy. Please help! What do I do to fix my relationship with my mother in law? I feel as though I can’t talk to her and when I try to fix things, it makes things worse. Is my way of thinking about what a “gift” is wrong? I’d love to hear opinions from other grandmas that buy clothing or things for their grandchildren and what their expectations are."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I try to take pictures of my little ones in clothes that are gifted to them and send those photos to the person who gave them"
"As a grandma that buys all my grandchildren clothes, the parents can feel free to exchange them and buy anything that they may need."
"Kids grow so fast that half the time the clothes don’t fit in the right season. I always ask that if they plan to buy clothes to check with me on sizes and if there is anything she needs more then other things because she tends to wear things that she likes often so if they want to see her in it, check in with me. Otherwise, thank you for the gift but we had to exchange it."
"My husbands grandma buys my kids clothes but always asks what they NEED in clothing instead of just buying. There shouldn’t be an obligation attached to gifts."
"I get her wanting to see the child in the stuff she bought but I agree it’s something that should have been said ahead of time. But I don’t see why she would be mad you exchanged clothing for something the child needed. I’d get it if you exchanged the one dress for another dress but you literally just got what your child needed at the time and so for remarks to be made is beyond ridiculous. I would maybe try to talk to her about it and hopefully she will see it wasn’t with ill intentions"
"No they are both wrong. She had her kids already so she doesnt get a say in this. Her role is to love and spoil that baby. Your husband now, he needs to tell his mom that she is only a grandma to y’alls child and you both as parents appreciate everything she has done and bought, but y’all do not have to do anything y’all dont want to and to understand she has other relatives that buy her clothing and such also."
"There shouldnt be any obligation there first and foremost. Furthermore, your husband need to cut the umbilical cord with his mom and should be taking up for you instead of making you feel guilty."
"You and the hubby need to sit down and talk about this because it’s boundaries and she may get to the point where she over steps them"
"Did the Grandmother only have sons? If so maybe she is trying to enjoy the experience (pretty frilly dresses) of having a girl? It sounds like there are deeper issues than the actual outfits."
"I always put the clothes on them and take photos and randomly post them. That way they are “seen” in the outfit. No one has ever expected me to do that I just do so the person who bought it knows hey they at least wore it once."
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