My SO is also 16 years my senior. You have every right to be upset! Your man should drop everything for your birthday like he does for his friends! Cleaning and cooking isnât a significant birthday âgiftâ! Wtf
Yes you are over-reacting. If you have been a fiancĂ© for 5 years then you know your value to him. Be glad they even cleaned up and cooked. Cards get thrown in the trash⊠they fade and turn to dust. You canât make some one be thoughtful. But I would do for his birthday what he does for you. And if you want a special day or gift take it yourself. Donât wait for anyone but overall respect yourself ⊠you want better get better and require better
Keep that same energy for his birthday
He sucks. Leave his ass.
Do unto others as they have done to you, if he does nothing you do nothing.
My daddy always taught me that a card is one of the best things you can give a person, especially if theres not much money for anything else. Even though in your case there wasâŠ
I would be upset the way you are as well. Grateful for the help with the house and dinner, but a card atleast would have rounded off the whole evening for you. But honestly men are dense, so is my dude, and they dont really think like that. Hopefully after this he will remember to get cards and maybe some flowers. My dude finally knows that is good enough, it just took some time. And it does not mean you were being ungrateful for feeling this way either.
I guess it depends on you and your household. If they cooked and CLEANED!!! I would be over the moon. My family doesnât help out to much in the way of cleaning. But I am sentimental too and a card is more personal. I hope you guys ca. talk through it and hear each other without getting on the offense.
A little something to separate every other day of the year is not over reacting. A card is not over reacting. No he is being a jerk because you called him out and he knows he is wrong
No you arenât!! But at my house bdays are a big thing!!!
Men are clueless with this kind of stuff.
Something you do that is tiring everyday and they know their the ones who make the mess so you can do it is a special task for the males lol, itâs ok to want but to cry sour it isnât the way to go . Next year give them more hints
My bday,holidays are important to me i wouldnt put up with that. Ive had a man like that(my 2 sons dad) ya he doesnt make anything outta their bday either. Much better without the selfish crap
Definitely not overreacting. It sounds like you told him calmly how you felt and heâs the one that took your feelings personally. Probably because he knows heâs not shit lmao
Give him the same energy baby
I think you are right to be upset, its about showing you you are important and appreciated.
What do you do for his birthday? What does he normally do for you ?
I give my husband cards to anniversary; birthday; Fatherâs day etc and he doesnât get me any and lâm ok with that. I donât need a card to know how much he loves me. I just like giving cards.
My ex husband was the same wayâŠ. Note * ex husband lol because Iâm sure if he has no interest in doing anything special for you on an important day you probably have more problems than that.
Maybe next time ask him to do that for you. He probably thought what he did was nice, even though itâs something you do every day he felt he took away some of that burden so you could relax a little when you got home from work.
Sometimes communication is the best policy, if you want him to help the littles make cards for you, just ask him.
Do the same for his bday. This way he can feel what you felt. Tell him in the future youâd like cards from the kiddies⊠good luck
I donât think wanting a card is too much to ask, but it may be the way you went about explaining it to him.
Read 5 Love Languages!
I donât think youâre overreacting at all. Him and the kids should be helping clean the house and cook dinner daily. Not because itâs your birthday. Thatâs a team effort, especially if you both work. Everyone should be pitching in around the house, even the children, doesnât matter how old they are.
If he appreciates you, he would have shown you that he appreciates you in my opinion. Even if he told the kids, hey go find a piece of paper and make momma a birthday card. That would have been plenty. Plain and simple, itâs the thought that counts.
I gave birth September 4th. My kidâs dadâs birthday is September 11th. I also had a 2 and 3 year old at that time. I still managed to go get their dad 2 cards for his birthday WITH MY KIDS. There is no excuse beyond lazy. Like its not even hard to have a kid draw a picture and call that a present.
He doesnât care about your feelings if you explain to him calmly how you feel and he freaks out like that.
Why is cooking and cleaning a present!? Thatâs something he and kids should be helping with DAILY they live and eat there too so why is that just for the wife/mom? And considered a gift when other members of the family help with that??? A card is not too much to ask for
Damn lol, are you dating my dude?
Narcissistic personality. Not a full blown narcissist because he still experiences emotions but⊠Just as toxic
I would be getting my debit card back and it would stay in my wallet
Itâs the same here my bday was 28th last month no cards or happy birthday love it was oh sorry I forgot
Read the book âlove and respectâ. Itâs all about perception. He felt he was making a real effort and it wasnât necessarily received that way by you. For it to be really effective you both need to read it BuT it will change the way you look at things like this if even just you read it.
How much thanks do you get when you cook and clean . He could be a narcissist keep focused on the possibility
Donât let him gaslight you itâs a way of twisting it back on you to take the heat off of him.
To be honest, Iâm not big on birthday cards. But if I knew someone was, I would get them one. Does he know birthday cards are a big deal to you?
Definitely not overreacting. You want memories to look down on when the kids get older and out of the house and he expects you to settle with what he gave you. You said you were grateful you just wish he put more effort into making your birthday a good birthday. Nothing wrong with that. Iâd honestly do him the way he did you and tell him the same thing he told you on your birthday. Maybe then heâd understand what you mean by putting more thought into something that wouldâve meant the world for you.
Whether you are right or wrong (no one can tell you youâre feelings are wrong), we need to talk about how he reacted to you telling him how you feel. That is a BIG red flag that needs to be addressed. You should never be talked down to when explaining youâre feelings. Heâs just a jackass honestly. My man isnât romantic really but before certain occasions I normally tell him âhey you should do something nice for me because I would really like thatâ. That normally does the trick for us. Cooking and cleaning shouldnât be looked at as a gift since that is needed in a household. Women arenât the only ones who are to do chores. He needs a swift kick in the ass.
Not appreciative of his cooking and cleaning? You mean the jobs heâs supposed to do anyway?
Just do the same for his birthday.
No discrimination but 47 - 29 ratio of is he really all screwed together as a gentleman/ man ? There is a reason he isnât with a woman somewhat his age ,
You are a queen sister you deserve the surprises, gifts ,cards and more!!!
I mean personally I would have been more than satisfied with my family cooking and cleaning for me but i get your point. Just do the same thing for his bday next and see how he feels about it. If he says something about no gift or anything remind him that he did the same for you. If he is perfectly happy with having just a clean house and a cooked meal then you know he honestly thought you would like what they did for you and he had good intentions and wasnât just being lazy
Some men are just not good with gifts. Just tell him he needs to respect your feelings and expectations and this sis really important to you!
And Iâd suggest looking at your love languages. You may be a gift/words of affirmation love language and he may be an acts of service. People tend to show love in the way they feel love
Sounds like a narcissist
I love getting cards for my Birthday and Motherâs DayâŠas you say, theyâre something special to look back on⊠from the kids and husband⊠Iâve been saving mine for forty yearsâŠand it makes me smile when I go back and read themâŠ
Stop cooking and cleaning and make it an annual event for his birthday see how he feelsâ:hugs:
Iâm sorry youâre feeling this way, I remember it clearly & understand 100%. I believe we/you have a responsibility to communicate our feelings, and not assume they know. How they react, is on them, but I truly believe we have to voice it. Maybe theyâll think twice next time.
A card is not too much to ask for. Itâs all I ever ask for on my birthdays because I know anything more than that wonât happen and it will just lead to disappointment. My SO didnât get me a card one year and I voiced my feelings and the next year he got me 2 cards one from him and our boys and a cake lol but cleaning and cooking are things you should get help with. I hate that men think helping with those things is special. Like no. Iâm so sorry girl. I hope he makes it up to you!
It sounds to me like you guys are on separate pages when it comes to love languages.
A lot of times people show love with how they prefer to receive love and its a totally different perspective!
Doing those things for you may have seemed like a bigger deal to him because maybe âacts of serviceâ is higher on his love language list than yours. When Iâm reality, you guys just receive love differently and thatâs okay!
Take the 5 love language quiz online. Both of you and then share with each other. Have an in depth conversation with each other about this topic!
Them helping with cooking & cleaning sounds normal. Itâs nothing special. I wouldâve been
I definitely agree with you⊠is good that they help clean , but they live there too. You deserve a card and flowers. I am married 45 years, I never had a card or flowers. I have two sons and they bring me cards , flowers,perfume and what ever I need .
Youâre not overreacting at all and what heâs doing is gaslighting and is toxic. Daily things that he should be helping with anyways is NOT a gift and I would sit down with my kids and get them to make me a card. Personally Iâd be getting rid of this guy, clearly he doesnât care about whatâs important to you and thatâs not okay.
It the past has he done cards, gifts, anything special to celebrate you? How old are the children? Can you explain to them that youâd love a homemade card from them, a note on a piece of paper?
Everyone has a different love language, he may have felt that cooking and cleaning filled yours, if it didnât thatâs another conversation. Might need to try couples counseling, a neutral party to bridge the communication gap.
Great full? Because he acted like a partner and father and helped to cook and clean in the house he lives - and feed the kids he helped make? Whilst I appreciate that my husband works 2 jobs - and still does a tonne round the house, Iâm not going to praise him for everything he does⊠itâs a two way street- things have to be done and we just get in with it. Does he praise you when you complete tasks round the house for example?
Personally Iâd do the same back. When he moans about no card or gift - throw his words about being great full you cooked, cleaned, fed the kids etc back at him.
Give him the same energy he gave you in another words give him a taste of his own medicine
Heâs an ass⊠doing house work isnât a fâen âgiftâ to someone and they shouldnât be calling you ungrateful for them cleaning up their own damn mess.
JFC, and would he not need to cook and clean if you WERENâT living there too? Does HE not live in the house himself? Yeah, no, he doesnât get brownie points for acting like a grown adult and caring for his own family and environment. I would be so heated if my partner tried to pull that nonsense. Talk about the bare minimum. Stop accepting this, because you need to make this a hill die on or your marriage will die on it instead. Been there, done that, and divorce isnât cheap, but at least the child support he sometimes pays is more helpful than he ever was. _("/)_/
My husband and I donât speak the same love language and it definitely creates a lot of friction at times
Sounds like my kids dad, he blew up on our oldest son for asking him if they could get me a birthday present. Telling him thatâs not his problem and other foul crap. heâs 9, he felt so terrible after.
I get were not together, but all 5 kids are 9 and under, how can he expect them to get and do anything on their own?!
If heâs not down for reading the 5 love languages, Iâd print the highlights for him and discuss that. Best of luck and happy belated bday mama.
Do his laundry for his birthday and put a bow on it.
What youâre feeling is valid and Many men think that by being decent roommates and contributing to maintaining the house is more than enough. It isnât they are lazy and donât like the idea of having to work to maintain an actual relationship. It wonât get better unless he wants to. Your better bet is to come up with a plan and prepare to leave.
How old are the kids? Why did you have to give him your debit card? Does he not have a job at almost 50? I understand your frustration, but I would have been estatic with a clean house and a home cooked meal, even if it is an everyday occurrence. Has he gotten you cards from him and the kids in the past? Maybe at his age he doesnât see things such as birthdays, ect as much of a big deal that you do at a younger age. Iâm 34 and all I want for my birthday is to not have to cook or clean. Even though my husband cleans on the regular, it still lights my fire everytime he pulls that vacuum out of the closet
Cooking and cleaning house is not a birthday gift as far as Iâm concerned. Thatâs supposed to be something that you do anyway.
And happy belated birthday!!
You have a right to your feelings
Him gaslighting you is a red flag
Him going all out for family and friends but when it comes to you he canât even muster having the kids get or even sign a card for you speaks volumes as to how he truly respects and appreciates you.
It will get worse so I donât think down the road u will feel appreciated and a significant other will only do and donât do what u allow and donât allow. Stop doing anything for his bday but if u already feel like this in 5 years imagine in 10-15 yrs it gets played out and u will be more unhappy year after year. Plus the kids are growing up watching and learning what to look for ina relationship when they get older. I would end it but thatâs my personal opinion!! Heâs to old to not know how to treat or how to listen to your needs and if heâs flying of the handle now I would hate to see in 5 more years. He is who he is and it wonât change it will only get worse. Prayers to u and your family that it works out one way or another!!
Sounds like he takes you for granted and he values others over you
What amazes me is that you went to him about your feeling and he blew up on you, thatâs not right. Unfortunately Mommas sometimes get the shaft but we just keep moving.
I guess to each their own but Iâm a little confused why cooking and cleaning is considered a birthday gift when everybody in the house should be helping out with that on a regular basis
I donât think it is rude to have just a little bit of expectations you werenât asking for a gift you were asking for a simple cardâŠ
When I give somebody a car I spend probably half an hour reading different ones Iâm picking out a perfect card thereâs a lot of thought that goes into it maybe Iâm tacky but thatâs just me personally itâs kind of like a handwritten letter to me theyâre very personable
I wouldnât have perceived cooking & cleaning as a gift or something special. I would wait for his birthday or Fatherâs Day to do his laundry & make him a meal & when he inquired about anything special Iâd remind him that heâs being just as âungratefulâ as you were on your day. That will tell you what you need to know about how your husband sees & values you.
You have the right to be upset. Doing usual household chores that he should be helping with to begin with isnât special. A cake made by the kids with his help and a card is special.
Donât know how old your kids are but one of them could have done itâŠsome men donât understand the need for these thingsâŠdoesnât mean he doesnât love you he just doesnât get it
Ok let me in light some of yall because I did the same thing I would go help friends and other people before helping my soul mate so tell him in a nice as way that what you wet throw and how you felt and if he done open his eyes up then tell him that his friend and buddyâs can come help clean and keep his other side of his bed warm because your not and then see if he donât change
They should go all out for you⊠Quit dis respecting yourself⊠You deserve moreâŠ
So I donât understand why you need validation to be angry when your âother half â the person who is suppose to treat you better than anyone else in this world , wonât buy you a gift with your own money. DUH thatâs reason to be angry; kick his broke ass out. Tf.
Cooking and cleaning tho thoughtful IS NOT a birthday gift. I mean unless you cleaned out a garage or shed or something I might take that lol. Your feelings are valid and heâs being a asshatâŠ
He sounds selfish and inconsiderate in general
We donât celebrate adult birthdays unless itâs the big 21,30,40,50 ect, other than those birthdays itâs just another day we say happy birthday and thatâs all we get, maybe a favorite dinner but not likely lol.
At 45 years old he knows better than that mess! You ainât wrong, heâs just taking you for granted sis
Google love languages. It would solve this issue instantly.
Why did you expect to pay for your own birthday by giving him your debit card to begin with? Sounds like itâs past time to leave this bum.
I agree. Cleaning up and helping cook should not be the birthday treat!! I donât think you are over reacting. I also donât think buying thibgs is always needed as in time and effort is a value to me. However as a partner and parent he could have done more
It is interesting that when some mom âs do not do alot for their family they get acknowledged more often than when those momâs whom go the extra mile . I work , do house chores , outside the house, cook and etc. Not that I need to be acknowledged but do not feel appreciated but taken for granted . I get the way you feel . Celebrating your birth would be nice as it something just for you and show he cares about you being alive .
Thatâs his guilt coming out next year will probably be great!
This sounds like gaslighting. You told him about your feelings, it doesnât take much to sit the kids down and have them draw nice cards for you, itâs just being thoughtful and kind.
You are not over reacting at all
If youâve never made your wants known how is he supposed to know like, come on
I would explain cleaning and cooking are normal everyday chores not something that is just done on a special occasion, therefor it didnât make your birthday feel special.
Sounds like my hubby sorry momma i feel u tho it sux
So you work too but him doing housework and cooking is a present for you? NO! Thatâs something he should be helping with regularly. All you wanted was a card. Thats not much.
The only thing I ask for for holidays and my birthday is a crad from my kids they are too young to buy a card themselves itâs up to thier dad to make sure one is bought (preferably made)
Does he work ?
Why would you pay for your own shit on your debit card?
Girl run fast !
He said it wasnât enough for me not true I am thankful BBBBUUUUUTTTTTTT maybe it is the but that is the issue
I donât think that your wrong in feeling the way you do. My hubby forgets my birthday almost every year and his is 4 days after his. I guess men donât see it the same way mine had a fit when I didnât put enough candles on the cake heâs 55 now and it was a couple years ago
He needs to read the 5 love languages. Your feelings are valid. He has no right to get mad at you.
Drop hints of what u would like to be done on ;your special day way b4 time sets in
St men need This⊠Just to prevent disappointment⊠He must have prioritized the house chores and cooking so that things could be relaxed for you o ve you were done with work
We all have different love languages. Maybe his is âActs of Serviceâ meaning you physically do things for the ones you love⊠so he felt like doing that for you (because it would have been enough for him) would have been enough for you too. Your love language seems to be gifts⊠not necessarily big gifts but like things every now and then to let you know you were thought of. He just flat out may not get it. Rather than bring this situation up again (itâs done, so no sense in beating a dead horse) why donât you both take a Love Language Quiz. Make it fun and then you can really see and understand how the other needs to be loved. Communication is always keyâ:heart:
My bf forgot my bday all together even though his is 2 days before mine.
He does so much for me daily, so iâm okay with it.
Iâd be grateful if someone helped cook & clean. Just saying. It doesnât need to be a material gift.
Be happy that he even did the cooking and cleaning that day because most men wonât and you couldâve sat down with the kids and asked them to make you a birthday card or something honestly. Youâre picking a fight over something so simple cause the cooking and cleaning to him was big enough that you invalidated how he felt also
You need to do the exact same thing for his birthday. Just clean the house and cook. Thatâs it!