Am I over reacting?

I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. Life hasn't always been peaches n cream but we share so much love between us and for our children. (Mixed families, he's 45 I'm 29). He is steady dropping whatever he's doing to go hang out with people or help them. He's a great friend to them. Anyways, Saturday was my birthday and I worked 7am till about 2. They were all picking up and straightening up when I got home, and we made dinner. I would also like to add that before I went to work, I gave him my debit card that had more than enough money on it to get us thru Christmas... He didn't even get me a b-day card from him or our little kids (and we have a pack of cards here lol). So I told him a couple days later that my feelings were hurt and I was a little upset, and I explained in detail why I was upset. And now he thinks that I'm just ungrateful for telling him that it was nice what they did for me and I truly do appreciate them cleaning and helping cooking, but I feel like he could have put a little more time and effort into doing something "special" for me. I want cards to look back on when my kids are grown and gone. Something from them I can save. Well he flew off the handle and told me how ungrateful I am because cooking and cleaning (stuff we do daily) wasn't "enough" for me. Which isn't true. I told them I was thankful and grateful for the work they put into the house and dinner, but a card that the kids personally signed and would have been nice. I don't expect everyone to go all out for birthdays like I do, but I feel like he puts more effort into anyone else and is just rude to me.
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My SO is also 16 years my senior. You have every right to be upset! Your man should drop everything for your birthday like he does for his friends! Cleaning and cooking isn’t a significant birthday “gift”! Wtf

Yes you are over-reacting. If you have been a fiancé for 5 years then you know your value to him. Be glad they even cleaned up and cooked. Cards get thrown in the trash… they fade and turn to dust. You can’t make some one be thoughtful. But I would do for his birthday what he does for you. And if you want a special day or gift take it yourself. Don’t wait for anyone but overall respect yourself … you want better get better and require better

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I over reacting?

Keep that same energy for his birthday

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He sucks. Leave his ass.

Do unto others as they have done to you, if he does nothing you do nothing.

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My daddy always taught me that a card is one of the best things you can give a person, especially if theres not much money for anything else. Even though in your case there was…
I would be upset the way you are as well. Grateful for the help with the house and dinner, but a card atleast would have rounded off the whole evening for you. But honestly men are dense, so is my dude, and they dont really think like that. Hopefully after this he will remember to get cards and maybe some flowers. My dude finally knows that is good enough, it just took some time. And it does not mean you were being ungrateful for feeling this way either.

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I guess it depends on you and your household. If they cooked and CLEANED!!! I would be over the moon. My family doesn’t help out to much in the way of cleaning. But I am sentimental too and a card is more personal. I hope you guys ca. talk through it and hear each other without getting on the offense.

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A little something to separate every other day of the year is not over reacting. A card is not over reacting. No he is being a jerk because you called him out and he knows he is wrong

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No you aren’t!! But at my house bdays are a big thing!!!

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Men are clueless with this kind of stuff.

Something you do that is tiring everyday and they know their the ones who make the mess so you can do it is a special task for the males lol, it’s ok to want but to cry sour it isn’t the way to go . Next year give them more hints

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My bday,holidays are important to me i wouldnt put up with that. Ive had a man like that(my 2 sons dad) ya he doesnt make anything outta their bday either. Much better without the selfish crap

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Definitely not overreacting. It sounds like you told him calmly how you felt and he’s the one that took your feelings personally. Probably because he knows he’s not shit lmao

Give him the same energy baby

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I think you are right to be upset, its about showing you you are important and appreciated.
What do you do for his birthday? What does he normally do for you ?

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I give my husband cards to anniversary; birthday; Father’s day etc and he doesn’t get me any and l’m ok with that. I don’t need a card to know how much he loves me. I just like giving cards.

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My ex husband was the same way…. Note * ex husband lol because I’m sure if he has no interest in doing anything special for you on an important day you probably have more problems than that.

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Maybe next time ask him to do that for you. He probably thought what he did was nice, even though it’s something you do every day he felt he took away some of that burden so you could relax a little when you got home from work.
Sometimes communication is the best policy, if you want him to help the littles make cards for you, just ask him.

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Do the same for his bday. This way he can feel what you felt. Tell him in the future you’d like cards from the kiddies… good luck

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I don’t think wanting a card is too much to ask, but it may be the way you went about explaining it to him.

Read 5 Love Languages!

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I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Him and the kids should be helping clean the house and cook dinner daily. Not because it’s your birthday. That’s a team effort, especially if you both work. Everyone should be pitching in around the house, even the children, doesn’t matter how old they are.
If he appreciates you, he would have shown you that he appreciates you in my opinion. Even if he told the kids, hey go find a piece of paper and make momma a birthday card. That would have been plenty. Plain and simple, it’s the thought that counts.

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I gave birth September 4th. My kid’s dad’s birthday is September 11th. I also had a 2 and 3 year old at that time. I still managed to go get their dad 2 cards for his birthday WITH MY KIDS. :rofl: There is no excuse beyond lazy. Like its not even hard to have a kid draw a picture and call that a present.

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He doesn’t care about your feelings if you explain to him calmly how you feel and he freaks out like that.

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Why is cooking and cleaning a present!? That’s something he and kids should be helping with DAILY they live and eat there too so why is that just for the wife/mom? And considered a gift when other members of the family help with that??? A card is not too much to ask for

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Damn lol, are you dating my dude?
Narcissistic personality. Not a full blown narcissist because he still experiences emotions but… Just as toxic

I would be getting my debit card back and it would stay in my wallet

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It’s the same here my bday was 28th last month no cards or happy birthday love it was oh sorry I forgot

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Read the book “love and respect”. It’s all about perception. He felt he was making a real effort and it wasn’t necessarily received that way by you. For it to be really effective you both need to read it BuT it will change the way you look at things like this if even just you read it.

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How much thanks do you get when you cook and clean . He could be a narcissist keep focused on the possibility

Don’t let him gaslight you it’s a way of twisting it back on you to take the heat off of him.

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To be honest, I’m not big on birthday cards. But if I knew someone was, I would get them one. Does he know birthday cards are a big deal to you?

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Definitely not overreacting. You want memories to look down on when the kids get older and out of the house and he expects you to settle with what he gave you. You said you were grateful you just wish he put more effort into making your birthday a good birthday. Nothing wrong with that. I’d honestly do him the way he did you and tell him the same thing he told you on your birthday. Maybe then he’d understand what you mean by putting more thought into something that would’ve meant the world for you.

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Whether you are right or wrong (no one can tell you you’re feelings are wrong), we need to talk about how he reacted to you telling him how you feel. That is a BIG red flag that needs to be addressed. You should never be talked down to when explaining you’re feelings. He’s just a jackass honestly. My man isn’t romantic really but before certain occasions I normally tell him “hey you should do something nice for me because I would really like that”. That normally does the trick for us. Cooking and cleaning shouldn’t be looked at as a gift since that is needed in a household. Women aren’t the only ones who are to do chores. He needs a swift kick in the ass.

Not appreciative of his cooking and cleaning? You mean the jobs he’s supposed to do anyway?

Just do the same for his birthday.

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No discrimination but 47 - 29 ratio of is he really all screwed together as a gentleman/ man ? There is a reason he isn’t with a woman somewhat his age ,

You are a queen sister :heart_decoration: you deserve the surprises, gifts ,cards and more!!!

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I mean personally I would have been more than satisfied with my family cooking and cleaning for me but i get your point. Just do the same thing for his bday next and see how he feels about it. If he says something about no gift or anything remind him that he did the same for you. If he is perfectly happy with having just a clean house and a cooked meal then you know he honestly thought you would like what they did for you and he had good intentions and wasn’t just being lazy

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Some men are just not good with gifts. Just tell him he needs to respect your feelings and expectations and this sis really important to you!

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And I’d suggest looking at your love languages. You may be a gift/words of affirmation love language and he may be an acts of service. People tend to show love in the way they feel love

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Sounds like a narcissist

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I love getting cards for my Birthday and Mother’s Day…as you say, they’re something special to look back on… from the kids and husband… I’ve been saving mine for forty years…and it makes me smile when I go back and read them…

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Stop cooking and cleaning and make it an annual event for his birthday see how he feels​:hugs::hugs:

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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I remember it clearly & understand 100%. I believe we/you have a responsibility to communicate our feelings, and not assume they know. How they react, is on them, but I truly believe we have to voice it. Maybe they’ll think twice next time.

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A card is not too much to ask for. It’s all I ever ask for on my birthdays because I know anything more than that won’t happen and it will just lead to disappointment. My SO didn’t get me a card one year and I voiced my feelings and the next year he got me 2 cards one from him and our boys and a cake lol but cleaning and cooking are things you should get help with. I hate that men think helping with those things is special. Like no. I’m so sorry girl. I hope he makes it up to you!

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It sounds to me like you guys are on separate pages when it comes to love languages.
A lot of times people show love with how they prefer to receive love and its a totally different perspective!
Doing those things for you may have seemed like a bigger deal to him because maybe “acts of service” is higher on his love language list than yours. When I’m reality, you guys just receive love differently and that’s okay!

Take the 5 love language quiz online. Both of you and then share with each other. Have an in depth conversation with each other about this topic!

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Them helping with cooking & cleaning sounds normal. It’s nothing special. I would’ve been :rage:

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I definitely agree with you… is good that they help clean , but they live there too. You deserve a card and flowers. I am married 45 years, I never had a card or flowers. I have two sons and they bring me cards , flowers,perfume and what ever I need . :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You’re not overreacting at all and what he’s doing is gaslighting and is toxic. Daily things that he should be helping with anyways is NOT a gift and I would sit down with my kids and get them to make me a card. Personally I’d be getting rid of this guy, clearly he doesn’t care about what’s important to you and that’s not okay.

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It the past has he done cards, gifts, anything special to celebrate you? How old are the children? Can you explain to them that you’d love a homemade card from them, a note on a piece of paper?
Everyone has a different love language, he may have felt that cooking and cleaning filled yours, if it didn’t that’s another conversation. Might need to try couples counseling, a neutral party to bridge the communication gap.

Great full? Because he acted like a partner and father and helped to cook and clean in the house he lives - and feed the kids he helped make? Whilst I appreciate that my husband works 2 jobs - and still does a tonne round the house, I’m not going to praise him for everything he does… it’s a two way street- things have to be done and we just get in with it. Does he praise you when you complete tasks round the house for example?

Personally I’d do the same back. When he moans about no card or gift - throw his words about being great full you cooked, cleaned, fed the kids etc back at him.

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Give him the same energy he gave you in another words give him a taste of his own medicine

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He’s an ass… doing house work isn’t a f’en “gift” to someone and they shouldn’t be calling you ungrateful for them cleaning up their own damn mess.

JFC, and would he not need to cook and clean if you WEREN’T living there too? Does HE not live in the house himself? Yeah, no, he doesn’t get brownie points for acting like a grown adult and caring for his own family and environment. I would be so heated if my partner tried to pull that nonsense. Talk about the bare minimum. Stop accepting this, because you need to make this a hill die on or your marriage will die on it instead. Been there, done that, and divorce isn’t cheap, but at least the child support he sometimes pays is more helpful than he ever was. _("/)_/

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My husband and I don’t speak the same love language and it definitely creates a lot of friction at times

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Sounds like my kids dad, he blew up on our oldest son for asking him if they could get me a birthday present. Telling him that’s not his problem and other foul crap. :unamused: he’s 9, he felt so terrible after.
I get were not together, but all 5 kids are 9 and under, how can he expect them to get and do anything on their own?!

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If he’s not down for reading the 5 love languages, I’d print the highlights for him and discuss that. Best of luck and happy belated bday mama.

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Do his laundry for his birthday and put a bow on it.

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What you’re feeling is valid and Many men think that by being decent roommates and contributing to maintaining the house is more than enough. It isn’t they are lazy and don’t like the idea of having to work to maintain an actual relationship. It won’t get better unless he wants to. Your better bet is to come up with a plan and prepare to leave.

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How old are the kids? Why did you have to give him your debit card? Does he not have a job at almost 50? I understand your frustration, but I would have been estatic with a clean house and a home cooked meal, even if it is an everyday occurrence. Has he gotten you cards from him and the kids in the past? Maybe at his age he doesn’t see things such as birthdays, ect as much of a big deal that you do at a younger age. I’m 34 and all I want for my birthday is to not have to cook or clean. Even though my husband cleans on the regular, it still lights my fire everytime he pulls that vacuum out of the closet :joy:

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Cooking and cleaning house is not a birthday gift as far as I’m concerned. That’s supposed to be something that you do anyway.

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And happy belated birthday!!

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You have a right to your feelings

Him gaslighting you is a red flag

Him going all out for family and friends but when it comes to you he can’t even muster having the kids get or even sign a card for you speaks volumes as to how he truly respects and appreciates you.

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It will get worse so I don’t think down the road u will feel appreciated and a significant other will only do and don’t do what u allow and don’t allow. Stop doing anything for his bday but if u already feel like this in 5 years imagine in 10-15 yrs it gets played out and u will be more unhappy year after year. Plus the kids are growing up watching and learning what to look for ina relationship when they get older. I would end it but that’s my personal opinion!! He’s to old to not know how to treat or how to listen to your needs and if he’s flying of the handle now I would hate to see in 5 more years. He is who he is and it won’t change it will only get worse. Prayers to u and your family that it works out one way or another!!

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Sounds like he takes you for granted and he values others over you

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What amazes me is that you went to him about your feeling and he blew up on you, that’s not right. Unfortunately Mommas sometimes get the shaft but we just keep moving.

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I guess to each their own but I’m a little confused why cooking and cleaning is considered a birthday gift when everybody in the house should be helping out with that on a regular basis

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I don’t think it is rude to have just a little bit of expectations you weren’t asking for a gift you were asking for a simple card…
When I give somebody a car I spend probably half an hour reading different ones I’m picking out a perfect card there’s a lot of thought that goes into it maybe I’m tacky but that’s just me personally it’s kind of like a handwritten letter to me they’re very personable

I wouldn’t have perceived cooking & cleaning as a gift or something special. I would wait for his birthday or Father’s Day to do his laundry & make him a meal & when he inquired about anything special I’d remind him that he’s being just as “ungrateful” as you were on your day. That will tell you what you need to know about how your husband sees & values you.

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You have the right to be upset. Doing usual household chores that he should be helping with to begin with isn’t special. A cake made by the kids with his help and a card is special.

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Don’t know how old your kids are but one of them could have done it…some men don’t understand the need for these things…doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you he just doesn’t get it

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Ok let me in light some of yall because I did the same thing I would go help friends and other people before helping my soul mate so tell him in a nice as way that what you wet throw and how you felt and if he done open his eyes up then tell him that his friend and buddy’s can come help clean and keep his other side of his bed warm because your not and then see if he don’t change

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They should go all out for you… Quit dis respecting yourself… You deserve more…

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So I don’t understand why you need validation to be angry when your “other half “ the person who is suppose to treat you better than anyone else in this world , won’t buy you a gift with your own money. DUH that’s reason to be angry; kick his broke ass out. Tf.

Cooking and cleaning tho thoughtful IS NOT a birthday gift. I mean unless you cleaned out a garage or shed or something I might take that lol. Your feelings are valid and he’s being a asshat…

He sounds selfish and inconsiderate in general :unamused:

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We don’t celebrate adult birthdays unless it’s the big 21,30,40,50 ect, other than those birthdays it’s just another day :woman_shrugging: we say happy birthday and that’s all we get, maybe a favorite dinner but not likely lol.

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At 45 years old he knows better than that mess! You ain’t wrong, he’s just taking you for granted sis :100:

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Google love languages. It would solve this issue instantly.

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Why did you expect to pay for your own birthday by giving him your debit card to begin with? Sounds like it’s past time to leave this bum.

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I agree. Cleaning up and helping cook should not be the birthday treat!! I don’t think you are over reacting. I also don’t think buying thibgs is always needed as in time and effort is a value to me. However as a partner and parent he could have done more

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It is interesting that when some mom ‘s do not do alot for their family they get acknowledged more often than when those mom’s whom go the extra mile . I work , do house chores , outside the house, cook and etc. Not that I need to be acknowledged but do not feel appreciated but taken for granted . I get the way you feel . Celebrating your birth would be nice as it something just for you and show he cares about you being alive .

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That’s his guilt coming out next year will probably be great!

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This sounds like gaslighting. You told him about your feelings, it doesn’t take much to sit the kids down and have them draw nice cards for you, it’s just being thoughtful and kind.
You are not over reacting at all

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If you’ve never made your wants known how is he supposed to know :woman_shrugging: like, come on :joy::joy:

I would explain cleaning and cooking are normal everyday chores not something that is just done on a special occasion, therefor it didn’t make your birthday feel special.

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Sounds like my hubby sorry momma i feel u tho it sux

So you work too but him doing housework and cooking is a present for you? NO! That’s something he should be helping with regularly. All you wanted was a card. Thats not much.

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The only thing I ask for for holidays and my birthday is a crad from my kids they are too young to buy a card themselves it’s up to thier dad to make sure one is bought (preferably made)

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Does he work ?
Why would you pay for your own shit on your debit card?
Girl run fast !

He said it wasn’t enough for me not true I am thankful BBBBUUUUUTTTTTTT maybe it is the but that is the issue

I don’t think that your wrong in feeling the way you do. My hubby forgets my birthday almost every year and his is 4 days after his. I guess men don’t see it the same way mine had a fit when I didn’t put enough candles on the cake he’s 55 now and it was a couple years ago

He needs to read the 5 love languages. Your feelings are valid. He has no right to get mad at you.

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Drop hints of what u would like to be done on ;your special day way b4 time sets in

St men need This… Just to prevent disappointment… He must have prioritized the house chores and cooking so that things could be relaxed for you o ve you were done with work

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We all have different love languages. Maybe his is “Acts of Service” meaning you physically do things for the ones you love… so he felt like doing that for you (because it would have been enough for him) would have been enough for you too. Your love language seems to be gifts… not necessarily big gifts but like things every now and then to let you know you were thought of. He just flat out may not get it. Rather than bring this situation up again (it’s done, so no sense in beating a dead horse) why don’t you both take a Love Language Quiz. Make it fun :slightly_smiling_face: and then you can really see and understand how the other needs to be loved. Communication is always key​:heart:

My bf forgot my bday all together even though his is 2 days before mine. :woman_shrugging:
He does so much for me daily, so i’m okay with it.

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I’d be grateful if someone helped cook & clean. Just saying. It doesn’t need to be a material gift.

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Be happy that he even did the cooking and cleaning that day because most men won’t and you could’ve sat down with the kids and asked them to make you a birthday card or something honestly. You’re picking a fight over something so simple cause the cooking and cleaning to him was big enough that you invalidated how he felt also

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You need to do the exact same thing for his birthday. Just clean the house and cook. That’s it!

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