Am I overreacting? How do I speak to him about this?

So after having 2 babies pretty much back to back, I have low self esteem & don't feel great about my image.

I’ve just found out my partner has reddit solely for looking up nudes, uses tiktok to search for hot girls & Googles onlyfans leaks
Despite always telling me he doesn’t need or use porn because he has me
At I overreacting or wrong for feeling incredibly hurt & betrayed over this? Don’t even know how to begin talking to him about it


Here’s the thing… Maybe.

I say this, because it really honestly depends.

At this very moment, if my partner was looking things up, porn or nudes or what have you… I can poke fun at him for it, and not get jelly. And I can also understand it.

I also admittedly do the same.

And it truly can mean absolutely nothing emotionally. It doesn’t always mean a person is emotionally connecting sexually elsewhere…

For my partner and I, though, we have a happy healthy and strong relationship, were both busy parents trynna make life work against the odds.

For us, the need or want is strictly for our own mental reset I guess you could say…

But. We’re not texting other people either. We don’t need someone to talk to or stroke our ego or make us feel better about ourselves.

Now, I can say I’ve been where you are. With someone else. However in that scenario, it was way different. I literally couldn’t breathe without him finding a way into another bed… And it was torment to think I was trying my best for someone who literally wanted anything he could get from anybody… And that pain is crippling.

In your situation… Imma say talk to him. Let him know that you know about it, and that you simply just want clarification and validation, to know you both can communicate about each other’s needs. Because you won’t always have the energy to please him… He won’t always have the time to please you, but as long as y’all can make room for each other to communicate and excersize these freedoms comfortably, you’ll be okay.

If for any reason he gets mad or defensive or denies it or turns it on you or makes you feel like you’re the one not doing enough… Dump him. Byeeeee. No joke. It’s a waste of energy to deal with all that…

Cause imma tell you, even if you don’t talk to him, there’s some things I advise you do…

Don’t worry about what he is or isn’t doing. Get right with yourself. Get more excersize, eat more fruit and veggies, try new things, new hobbies, make new friends, do things that make you happy… And do not let anyone disturb that.

And, a few things are gonna happen. Most importantly, you will feel better. Second. People will notice you happier and comment and that will make you feel better. Third. He will see you happy. And this is the make or break moment.

When he sees you happy… Hell either get jealous or insecure (which means leave him.) Or, he’s gonna be alot more into you. And that’s gonna pull him away from the fantasy he gets drawn into.

Because even the best men out there are also human. They get insecure too. They fuck up, and they feel like they are the ones falling apart… And when their woman falls apart, men are hopeless and helpless and have no idea what to do with themselves… Sometimes, it simply just takes you getting your own spark back for them to reignite.

Now surely, if it is the case that he needs you to pull it together … Then once you do… Have that conversation. Make him understand he can’t just leave you hanging… He needs to be there for you also. You can’t always be the strong one…

So. Considering all of that, it depends.

Hopefully after reading, it has given you enough insight to know where he might fall in that spectrum… If you’re still unsure, go ahead and test out my idea. Get right with you… See how he responds.

Because really it doesn’t matter. Porn is porn. It can even be healthy for some relationships… But, how he responds to confrontation… THAT matters soooooooo much. And THAT is really what you need to be concerned about.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I overreacting? How do I speak to him about this?

Be thankful for small blessings. Some men are looking up gay porn. It’s ok. Don’t sweat it.


100% your feelings about this are VALID. I don’t care what anyone else says.
In my opinion if you need porn to “get off” then you should be single. Your significant other should be all you need for that.


If he’s only “looking” and not actively doing, consider it a good thing. Do you. Work out at home. Take progress pics. Don’t send them to him for validation. Do YOU with dignity, and more importantly for YOU.

Girl, it’s just porn. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take it from a mom of 3 with 20+ years in. I mean at least it’s not #'s in his phone or bitches from work & texts & disappearances.


Wow sorry but he needs to go!! Being sneaky n looking up stuff like that n lying, he’s not worth ur time.bu deserve better!!

Don’t listen to these women saying “be thankful he’s just looking, it’s just porn” If you are hurt by it and don’t like it, then he should have enough respect not to do it. You don’t have to accept something that hurts you, just because people think you should. And all you women who’ve accepted it because “it could be worse” I feel sorry for you.


At least he aint out with another female. It could be worse. Count ur blessings its just porn

Wow… some of the comments.

As someone who was in your position and passed it off as nothing (come to find out it wasnt nothing… in our 10 yrs together I eventually found out that it wasn’t just one girl… but in the double digits)

If you don’t like it, and it makes you feel uncomfortable TELL HIM! If he says it isn’t a big deal… please look at some kind of alternative. Im not saying all men cheat but I personally would rather have a backup plan.

My husband doesn’t watch it. But I honestly won’t care if he did. Is he still touching you? Women look at men too soooo


If you feel the need to, do so. I bet if you do something that bothers him, he will let you know too one way or another.


Me and my significant other watch porn when we get off alone🤷‍♀️ sometimes it’s nice to just do things for yourself and porn speeds up the process lol

Not over reacting. Anything you do behind your partners back, or dishonestly is infidelity


Is looking at porn the same as uploading nude pictures into his phone that supposedly were sent to him by a family member?

My husband has a Reddit, and some pages have girls who are called “tik thots,” we look at them together and usually make fun of the girls because they look desperate. He and I have also had 2 babies back to back (13 months apart) but if you’re not going to show him affection, or if you’re with holding, then he’s going to find it elsewhere. I hate to say that, but its truth, that’s just men. Maybe talk to him and see why he’s doing it? I mean, communication is something that goes a long way.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, unless in the beginning you both agreed to no porn and he had made a promise to you. But girl it’s not that serious, you can always get yourself a good vibrator and watch it with him too, or watch it on your free time😝 spice it up a lil bit!

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Yes you are over reacting


Truthfully id flip but that is me. My man knows if i find anything i will go off and he will be sorry. To me that is crossing a line and cheating.

You have every right to your feelings of hurt or betrayal. You’re not overreacting. However, men have no idea the physical and psychological tolls that pushing out a baby takes on us. He probably is not aware he’s hurting you and he could be doing something worse like actually cheating but he’s not. I would suggest approaching him from a place of love and understanding that you don’t feel sexy and you understand that he needs an outlet for his sexual frustration. That it makes you uncomfortable and feel more insecure. Request that he stops. It’s perfectly natural for men to look at porn or pics of naked chicks. Anyone that thinks otherwise is lying to themselves. Be realistic. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Things will get better.

No your not overreacting, if you don’t like it just tell him. I personally always hated porn. Did he watch porn before the children were born? Only start it now? This would be a big difference

Maybe you are better off single :woman_shrugging:t2:
Seems like you have a lot of working on yourself to do and a lot of self love to catch up on. Ijs

The fact that he has a whole fake Reddit page just to look up nudes. Weird he needs to make en effort to hide that

No you aren’t overreacting.
When people have kids it’s changes everything.
Being married three times and the last one for 22 years , you see things that if you did it the man would be mad as hell at you.
If it was me I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel.
If he gets mad and say you are overrating then I would call it quits with him.
Because if he gets mad because you feel bad about yourself because of what he is doing , then he isn’t going to change.
When men has to look at porn just to get his kicks off , it can lead him in to cheating .
Unless you both have a agreement that you both can look at porn and not cheat.

Are these REALLY fan questions??


So not over reacting !!! It’s in unacceptable !!! Not ok in any way !!!


Well idk because I watch it on my own and my man watches it on his own and we sometimes watch it together I don’t see it as a problem


Your feelings and boundaries are valid


Listen , better then finding out he is on dating sites or cheating :woman_shrugging:t3: let that man have his porn. It could be worse. Doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you. Your the momma of his children. He loves you, men just love themselves some porn…

Sounds like you need set your boundaries. Put your foot down with your man. If he won’t take you feelings into consideration then leave. Regardless you need to take the time to work on yourself. You maybe overly exhausted from having 2 babies so close in age… been there x5

Get a mommy makeover! Lol


Not ok and your not overreacting


you’re really mad about porn?
watching unattainable women he’d never had a chance with?

girl stop relying on a man fkr your SELF ESTEEM.
In the words of katt Williams.

“it’s esteem of your mf self.”

Couple things:

  1. You need to work on your SELF esteem. I suggest some type of counseling so you can love to learn yourself.
  2. Don’t ask a bunch of strangers whether your feelings are valid. You feel the way you feel. I think you’re overreacting but I’m not in your relationship. IDC if my significant other looks at other females. Hell, I look at other males. As long as he’s not trying to cheat, it doesn’t bother me.:woman_shrugging:t4:

When I was 25, I was bothered too.
45, please look and leave me alone.

Sweetheart, if this hurts you then talk to him. It’s okay to feel these feelings. Your only human. If he was in your position he would be feeling the sting too. Just tell him how you feel. If he can’t respect you as the mother who just gave him two beautiful children then is he really the one ?

If it’s a boundary set and you feel betrayed. You’re not over reacting. NO ONE has the right to invalidate your feelings.


Definitely not overreacting. It’s not right.


Men can be so selfish he needs a kick up the ass xx

Well you can talk to him tell him that looking at those images makes you feel a certain way -but Also I think you should work on yourself for you show yourself love by going to the doctor and getting help and make time for your self of course being a mom is beautiful and hard work and you lose yourself so take time when the babies are safe and sleeping at nap time take time for you ! Have a babysitter that you can trust of course and pamper yourself just to start getting your self esteem back then you will be able to be stronger for yourself your kids and the relationship with your spouse- no matter what comes out of it

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Tiktok nudes and onlyfans are porn. They are user created amateur porn, but still porn. Approach it from that angle and explain to him that it being free doesnt mean its any less hurtful.


It’s not overreacting if he had to lie about it


If your man is not blowing off his responsibilities, porn is NOT the problem. If your man still WANTS to be intimate with you and CAN be intimate with you, porn is NOT the problem. The problem seems to be your own body image issues. You feel threatened by porn because you don’t see YOURSELF as capable of recieving sexual attention. You don’t feel sexy. Your hurt feelings are valid, but don’t misdirect your feelings of dissapointment in yourself onto your partner. Work on yourself. Make conscious choices to eat healthier and exercise. Care for your body- moisturize+good hygeine. Dress yourself in ways that are flattering to your body and make you feel desirable. It takes a while to get there physically (especially with kids) but a good mentality is a solid start. Good luck. :heart:

The fact he is lying about it, would upset me more! But if she really doesn’t like it, then he should stop or both come to an agreement with porn!

Whoooo tf believes porn is a big deal still?

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I overreacting? How do I speak to him about this?

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Have yourself check for post partum depression dear. Your situation or feelings are warranted with the ways your partner is behaving against with what he says and if you are havings ppd he will only make it worst. ask for professional help.

Well fuck him! No you aren’t wrong for having issues with this!


Who cares…he’s not out screwing another woman so I wouldn’t be bothered. Besides it’s wrong that you are spying and going through his phone and history.


I would be very upset. Men do things without thinking of the effects on their partner. To everyone saying at least he’s not out actually cheating, this still has terrible mental effects. Almost feels the same. I would 100% approach him about it. You don’t want to worry every day if he is looking at that stuff.


You have every right to be upset. He needs to listen to how you feel and love you better.


Guys who do stuff like that are already cheating or about to. A man who is in love with you wouldn’t be interested in other women in the first place.


Guys are very visual . These are fantasies . You are his woman and mother of his babies x


He probably just feels ashamed to tell you he likes porn. Doesn’t mean he wants someone else, very well may just mean he wishes he could do things with you but is uncomfortable to ask you to do


If you’re enough he shouldn’t need that other shit!!!


All I’m saying is, Alpo burgers and salad with laxative dressing :smiling_imp::smiling_imp::smiling_imp::smiling_imp:


Your feelings are valid, no matter what. Communication is key. If you have been clear about how it makes you feel, then it needa to be discussed further. However, to me, watching porn isnt the same as having an affair, or cheating. But if it bothers you, he has to know. And maybe it would do you well to tell him how you feel insecure. Maybe couples therapy?


I can’t stand when men choose porn over their family


Porn will kill your (well his) intimacy!! You you have a right to be angry! It’s definitely not something that should be a part of a healthy relationship.


Try watching porn with him…remember theres also men for women to use as eye candy


Oh come on people this man is disrespecting his wife looking at nudes talking to other women its a form of cheating no matter what it starts there then it get worse. She has every right to feel hurt girl u have desicions to make don’t put up with it you’ll be fine on your own good luck


Do the same thing to him! Get on the same sites(dont have to watch a thing) just do it daily. Men learn by the problem being put in their face! See how he feels about you doing it!


Im not saying it right by no means but my husband watches porn…there are night i dont feel like having sex and he understands so he watches porn…not because he dont love me or im not enough just because he needs to cum and i dont feel like it…but also my husband dont try to hide it from me…hell we watch porn together

I laugh at you all!! Id wear something sexy everyday but be to tired!! Lol leave your phone on sexy guys with abs and stuff like that… Do it right back to him… Make him feel like you do…


Looking at a naked woman having sex on porn is wrong and disrespectful to a relationship.


Same issue here the same exactly issue… I fought with him over this 100 times and he told me the same exact your husband did. It comes to the point he is nothing to me now… just the father of my kids and roommate for me… I realize that fight with him over the thing he is not going to change for me is waste of my time if he thinks that is his hobby so don’t be surprise if I’m on only fans. That is what I told him. Cheer up momma

He clearly loves u he is there he doesn’t want hurt u


The fact that he likes to look at porn doesn’t mean he’s cheating, however that he lied to you about it is concerning. Not all men look at porn so don’t give in to that “men will be men” crap. He sounds like a sex addict and I’d be more concerned about him looking up hot girls. Eventually he’s going to go from looking at other women to hooking up with them. You and he share different values, and that really is the issue here. You already have low self-esteem which is only going to get worse with his penchant for looking at other women. You need to develop interests outside of him. Somewhere along the way you lost yourself. You need to remember who you used to be before he and the babies came along. Is there a career you’ve always wanted to pursue? A passion hobby you let die long ago? Find those interests that bring you joy. Develop and build your self-esteem and the solution to dealing with a man who has no respect for you and the relationship will be evident.

Sit him down and just talk. Dont beat around the bush, let him know how you feel and tell him (don’t ask) that you want it stopped. If he duoesn’t, then leave him. It is all really basic. If he loves and respects you he will stop. If he doesn’t stop then GO!


Ok. It’s normal to be angry, hurt and feel betrayed. All legit. Here’s the thing - he’s going to do what he’s going to do. Is it right? Nope. Is it fair to you? No. You can fight it by begging, being a “good girl” praying for him to change, talking to him about it etc but none of that will get you what you want if you don’t focus on you first. Addressing him isn’t going to get him to change. He wants to check out other women - let him. You focus on you. Get fit if that’s what you want. Have a makeover. Carve out time for you. Go have lunch w friends and family. Up your reading game - read things that feed your mind and your soul…guess what happens then? You’ll start to see him differently…you may realize that he can’t give you what you need as you level up…his behavior may become such a turnoff that you want to walk away…or…he can totally shock the crap out of you and come to terms with the fact that you’re headed for the door and may not look back. When he asks why the sudden 180 - you tell him “it’s become obvious to me that you’re no longer interested in me or you feel the need to get external stimulation elsewhere. I’ve decided to focus on my self worth to better my life because I want more out of it. I’d like you to be in it but if you continue to hurt me with this behavior then I need to prepare to go forward without you.” Look, now more than ever before there are women who are willing to give our men whatever they want without expectations nor consideration of our feelings or our existence. There comes a time in every coupled woman’s life where she looks those “ladies” in the eye and says “ you can keep him…”

Porn only gets worse. The ages get younger and more explicit. I’ve been there. I ignored it for years until it got so bad that if he was caught I could have lost my daughter. Get out now and never look back, for you and your children

Listen yes us woman go threw a lot but we can’t leave out the fact that when we are going threw these things we neglect our husband we lash out at them we deny them because we r dealing with our insecurities so of course they look for things to still make them feel like a man! A lot of times we expect them to have these feelings and emotions but men are not like woman so a lot of the time we let ourselves down! I say work on you fix you find things that make you happy again that’s the best we can’t do


Sounds like my ex.a phone sexter

Communication is key ; Sometimes the best way too say something is too just bluntly say it . The one person you should feel the most secure with is your partner … take a deep breath in and let everything out


I dont feel this is okay but you need to tell him or its going to eat you alive and resent him, i feel as a husband he shouldnt be doing that, at all id proablly leave mine if i had one lol, but honeslty walk around the house naked feel good about yourself girl


Overreacting!?? Hello no! I would not stay with my husband if I found out he was doing that shit. It is completely inappropriate, especially if you aren’t ok with it. I am sure there are some people who would say you should not be mad, but most women would not be ok with this, and they shouldn’t be. What a piece of shit!

We have 7 kids. There are days when Im self concious about my body. When its those days and me and him both watch porn cuz im just not in the mood to try to be sexy wen im not feeling it. Well watch it then wen hes close to releasing hell off the tv and look at me and tell me i make him feel what hes feeling not the women on porn. What im saying is probably he noes ur tired and all that so instead of bothering u for sex he just watches porn and finds his release. We have been together 9 years.

I think you need to consider why you are hurt. Is it him looking up pornographic material? Girls with a diff body style? Girls that look diff? Is it that he’s looking in general or you feel it’s unfaithful? My ex would look up BBW sites and it was offensive at first as I was a nearly A-cup. I took awhile to reflect and we talked about it and we’re able to come to an understanding in that dept.
So try to figure out exactly what upsets you about it before you talk to him so you can make it stupid simple when explaining it

Even if you were a 19-year-old Scarlett Johansson, I guarantee you there is a boyfriend looking at porn. I know girls get all worked up about this “cheating with his mind” thing but marriage/monogamy is a largely unnatural thing that very few living things do, out of love and a higher sense of purpose. Give the guy a break if he’s there and helpful.


Yes you are, he probably has always been doing it but you’ve only just found out.


Really in my opinion looking at porn to madterbate to is insignificant. What actually bothers me is that he is ok with women lack of value of themselves.

OK so if you yall haven’t had sex in a while then hes gonna need a release elsewhere but at least its just images and not the real thing, just talk to him, sit down and have the conversation like the adults you are because if you can’t then you won’t last, communication is everything! My partner went through a porn phase after I had my son cos I didn’t wanna be touched I was happy it was porn and not something else, it hurt but I understood because I wasn’t giving in the way he had gotten used too, the sexual dynamic had changed you could say but I spoke up eventually and he explained he didn’t want to “bother” me knowing I didn’t feel great and what not and we hashed it out and I got better at trying and he got better at picking up on signals lmao if yall are actively having the sexy time and he is still using porn then again, TALK to each other! Communication even if it’s scary is the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship xxx

Men watch porn. Period. Nothing to do with their relationship.
A lot of woman watch porn too. It’s just a thing to relax. Don’t get worked up about it, it won’t help and won’t do you or your relationship any good.
Oh and spoiler, he probably pleasures himself a lot more than you know. Again, just a thing to relax.


Is he still giving love and attention, it’s kinda bad you feel bad about your body but both your feelings seem pretty normal.

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Porn I don’t think you should complain about its natural for men and women but aslong as he isn’t paying to look at certain people etc , as someone else said , we neglect out partners during pregnancy it’s not our fault or his


Sit down and talk to him he’d stop it if he loves you knowing how it makes you feel ,if he doesn’t stop show him the door

:face_with_monocle: I didn’t realise that Reddit you can see naked bitches wtf can someone explain ??? Am I the only one who thought it was a news thing :joy:


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I overreacting? How do I speak to him about this?

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Since he told you he doesn’t need to look but then does anyway that would make me mad. Don’t say one thing and do another.


You’re not wrong. You should be feeling g loved and respected! Just talk to him about it… if it doesn’t go well… well I think you know what should happen


Let it go…He’s not cheating on you…they just videos… SMH


On the one hand, I feel the disrespect because he lied. On that same note, he’s a guy. In his mind, he was trying to protect you. But from first hand experience, he could be using these outlets due to being neglected in the bedroom. I know right after I had mine, my self esteem was low, and so was my libido. So if you’re not providing enough there, that may be his way of coping. I’d try to take a deep breath, and talk to him about it. Obvi, be salty. He lied. Point blank, that ish hurts. But also try figuring out why he’s doing it and what you guys can do to fix it :heart:


Tell him how it makes you feel. Make him delete it and if you catch it again that should tell you how much he respects you. Ian saying leave just cause you find it again. But figure out a plan that protects your emotional health if you decide to stay

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If he lied about just watching porn :woman_shrugging: what else is he lying about?? Trust is gone.

It’s definitely wrong, especially considering he told you he wouldn’t do it. At that point, he’s lying and being sneaky and that’s never okay. However, your feelings may be amplified by the fact you are currently unhappy with your own image. Id suggest having a talk with him and more importantly - getting back into the gym / on a diet or doing whatever you need to do to be happy with your image again. Life is a lot harder when we’re unhappy with the way we look.



No no and NO. You have your preferences!!! Don’t let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn’t want out of a relationship. If you don’t want him looking at other females in a sexual manner, then he needs to respect that or he isn’t for YOU. There is men out there who will respect your wishes. It’s not something you have to deal with because “he’s a man”. You need to stand your ground and set boundaries just like any other aspect in a relationship. If he doesn’t stop then you know where he stands. Do not I repeat do NOT settle or “deal” with anything that hurts your mental state!


So personally I just want to share as I have been in your shoes to a literal T… I found that my “anger/hurt” stemmed from my own insecurities and it was less about “why does he look at those things” and more about “why am I so insecure that I am threatened by a naked photo”… I did a lot of work on myself and our communication definitely had to have a revamp but in the end I was better for having put the work in and now (even though I’m not the most self confident) I “leak” dirty photos to him and send sexy messages and I have went the route of writing a blog (just for us that he can add to as well) and I make that steamy! I’m 32 and in don’t want my relationship to fail because I’m “threatened” by a photo or video of a sexy woman that neither of us will most likely never know… I know there isn’t much “advice” here but I hope it helps knowing you aren’t alone and knowing relationships do survive situations like this! I wish you luck and remember YOU ARE A GODDESS AND AN AMAZING WOMAN!!!


Do you watch movies with sexy guys? Should he be threatened by that? Maybe you should not watch tv or movies, he might not compare well to those men. See how silly it sounds. He chose you, he is with you. If he really wants them nothing you say or do will keep a man who wants to be gone. So rather than chase him out the door with your insecurities, suck it up, and stop worrying about nothing.

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do but you should already know a man is a man. They’re gonna look and desire but it’s the physical actions I think that matters. If he’s not cheating on you there is nothing wrong with looking and no touching