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QUESTION:
"I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. Life hasn't always been peaches n cream but we share so much love between us and for our children. (Mixed families, he's 45 I'm 29). He is steadily dropping whatever he's doing to go hang out with people or help them. He's a great friend to them. Anyways, Saturday was my birthday and I worked 7 am till about 2. They were all picking up and straightening up when I got home, and we made dinner. I would also like to add that before I went to work, I gave him my debit card that had more than enough money on it to get us thru Christmas… He didn't even get me a b-day card from him or our little kids (and we have a pack of cards here lol). So I told him a couple of days later that my feelings were hurt and I was a little upset, and I explained in detail why I was upset. And now he thinks that I'm just ungrateful for telling him that it was nice what they did for me and I truly do appreciate them cleaning and helping cooking, but I feel like he could have put a little more time and effort into doing something "special" for me. I want cards to look back on when my kids are grown and gone. Something from them I can save. Well, he flew off the handle and told me how ungrateful I am because cooking and cleaning (stuff we do daily) wasn't "enough" for me. Which isn't true. I told them I was thankful and grateful for the work they put into the house and dinner, but a card that the kids personally signed and would have been nice. I don't expect everyone to go all out for birthdays like I do, but I feel like he puts more effort into anyone else and is just rude to me."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"My daddy always taught me that a card is one of the best things you can give a person, especially if there's not much money for anything else. Even though in your case there was… I would be upset the way you are as well. Grateful for the help with the house and dinner, but a card at least would have rounded off the whole evening for you. But honestly, men are dense, so is my dude, and they don't really think like that. Hopefully, after this, he will remember to get cards and maybe some flowers. My dude finally knows that is good enough, it just took some time. And it does not mean you were being ungrateful for feeling this way either."
"I guess it depends on you and your household. If they cooked and CLEANED!!! I would be over the moon. My family doesn’t help out too much in the way of cleaning. But I am sentimental too and a card is more personal. I hope you guys can talk through it and hear each other without getting on the offense."
"A little something to separate every other day of the year is not overreacting. A card is not overreacting. No, he is being a jerk because you called him out and he knows he is wrong"
"Definitely not overreacting. It sounds like you told him calmly how you felt and he’s the one that took your feelings personally. Probably because he knows he’s not shit lmao"
"I think you are right to be upset, it's about showing you you are important and appreciated. What do you do for his birthday? What does he normally do for you?"
"My ex-husband was the same way…. Note * ex-husband lol because I’m sure if he has no interest in doing anything special for you on an important day you probably have more problems than that."
"Maybe next time ask him to do that for you. He probably thought what he did was nice, even though it’s something you do every day he felt he took away some of that burden so you could relax a little when you got home from work. Sometimes communication is the best policy, if you want him to help the littles make cards for you, just ask him."
"I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. He and the kids should be helping clean the house and cook dinner daily. Not because it’s your birthday. That’s a team effort, especially if you both work. Everyone should be pitching in around the house, even the children, doesn’t matter how old they are. If he appreciates you, he would have shown you that he appreciates you in my opinion. Even if he told the kids, hey, go find a piece of paper and make momma a birthday card. That would have been plenty. Plain and simple, it’s the thought that counts."
"Why is cooking and cleaning a present!? That’s something he and kids should be helping with DAILY they live and eat there too so why is that just for the wife/mom? And considered a gift when other members of the family help with that??? A card is not too much to ask for"
"Definitely not overreacting. You want memories to look down on when the kids get older and out of the house and he expects you to settle with what he gave you. You said you were grateful you just wish he put more effort into making your birthday a good birthday. Nothing wrong with that. I’d honestly do him the way he did you and tell him the same thing he told you on your birthday. Maybe then he’d understand what you mean by putting more thought into something that would’ve meant the world for you."
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