Am I using my kid as a pawn?

Do you guys thinks that you are using your kid as an object if you keep them away from in laws that talk low about you, are / have been rude to you, have tried to get violent with you (even when pregnant)& don’t respect / agree with how you parent? Because apparently that’s what they say I’m doing … to me im just protecting my kid from toxic people. People that won’t teach her / show her that treating people that way is okay.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I using my kid as a pawn?

Nope but also be aware some states have grand parent rights. If they that toxic start keeping evidence in case its needed.

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No. If they’ve threatened violence, you are not using your kid. These people need a reality check and some industrial-strength therapy.

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I keep my son away from my MIL aunts uncles and brother there all toxic or druggies :person_shrugging: IAM do what I think is best for my son they can talk all they want doesn’t bother me one bit I laugh at what they have to say… I have to older brothers that live 2 minutes away my son as far as he knows IAM a only child and have no relatives

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No. If it was something small ok but these people have tried to harm you so no ma’am.

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I keep my kids away from my own parents because of that. And in the event it was brought to court, they would be reprimanded for that behavior. Keep doing you.

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They want to act like that then its a big NO they wouldn’t be anywhere near my child.

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No you have every right to protect your child, they are just mad that you won’t accept their behavior.

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Your the mum, block anyone who doesn’t meet your boundaries and respect you. :slightly_smiling_face: court is always an option. Good luck.

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Being assertive with a family that has zero boundaries can come off as aggressive. You are not responsible for their feelings. As long as you are acting in your child’s best interests. My son’s paternal grandmother and I have not always been on good terms, but now she takes him every August with his cousin. A little tradition of crazy hair cuts, back to school shopping, and summers of memories. A child can never have too much love. Also I think it’s awesome you’re reaching out to get a better understanding, and shows how you’re really just trying to do what’s right.

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Don’t expect toxic people to agree that they’re toxic.

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No ma’am. You are protecting your child. Being family isn’t an entitlement. Wrong is wrong and it’s up to you to set those boundaries.

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Who cares what they say? Do what’s best for you and your kid

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No, if they can’t respect you then they can’t respect your child.

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You do what is best for your children & don’t worry about anyone else.

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I keep my boys away from my ex-husbands partner. She let her girls be molested when they were on meth. An how they found out was her oldest was touching the younger two. I’ve asked my ex if theyve gotten them therapy. They said they have but never provided me proof. And also I cannot trust him with his partner to trust my boys if a certain bad situation arises. He would chose her side in a heart beat without all the Info. So when my boys are older they will have the choice to go. But for not, I am making that decision for them . I don’t let them around family that often either only because that family doesn’t make the effort to see my son’s an try to vilify me even tho I’ve let them visit an remained civil.

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They sounds super toxic. You aren’t in the wrong

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nope, my mil had my oldest arpund my step daughters mom wjen i specifically said not to cause some stuff that happened between me amd her mom n she still did. guess who lost all privileges to my kids. gma inlaw dodn see my kids for a good 1.5yr cause her toxic bs too

Toxic in laws ( or just toxic people) will continue being toxic long after you cut them off. They will say many untrue things and people you thought you had in your corner will believe them. Stay strong for your baby!

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Nope. It’s damaging to the kid/s to be in that situation. You’re protecting them abusive situations so you’ll always be right.

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No as their mother if they don’t be respectful towards you you do not owe them any visitation to your children

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No. They tried to get violent with you (which is bad enough) WHILE you were pregnant. Zero f****'s given about their unborn grandchild’s health or SAFETY. You are keeping them safe. A child’s health and safety come before someone else’s feelings.

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You’re doing the right thing
Don’t be gaslighted into thinking otherwise

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How do they treat the child?

No honey a pawn is when you use your kids to YOUR benefit. You’re keeping them away from your toxic in laws for THEIR best interest.

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I would have to hear the other side.

But I do think keeping children away from grandparents who love them, regardless of how they feel about you or you about them can and usually does come back to bite you.

I hope it works out for the kids.

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Do they treat your kids badly? Or do they treat you badly in front of your kids? If the answer to either one of those is yes, then you are not using your kids as pawns. If the answer to them is no, then you are.

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Absolutely not you are not using your kids as pawns. Of course they are going to say that shit, they are toxic people! keep your kids away from them.

Nope. Kids do not need to be around if they are that way to you imagine what they might say about you to your kids or even do something to them. It’s your responsibility for them to grow up healthy and happy and to protect them from things that may hurt them. You’re being a good mama.

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Just fyi. They can take you to court and get grandparents rights. Might be better for you if you set any visitation rather than the judge.

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nope. being a grandparent is a PRIVILEGE, not a right.

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I only had to read first couple of sentences . To be able to say nope !! My inlaws have only ever even meet 2/4 of my kids and my oldest daughter was only a month old when me and my husband cut those toxic people out of our lives . The never deserved to have kids let alone ever see there grandkids. Our babies don’t need people like that in thier lives . Keep strong momma :muscle:t2:

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Protect your babies. People always want to weigh in and tell you to forgive and expose babies but when somethings happened the first thing they’ll say is where was the mother.

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Sounds like there’s two sides to a story n only one being read…

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That’s not using her as a pawn

Whenever there’s a break up of a family, there are hard feelings. The bad part here is that unless the judge says so, you can’t keep the child away from the father… and so it’s going to be tough to keep the child away from the in-laws. It may be true that they’ve been rude and violent. It may be true that they bad mouth you in front of the child. But that’s tough to prove and judges don’t tend to do much but send parents to parenting classes nowadays and most parents either never go, or ignore what is taught. The best thing you can do in a break up is bond as tight as you can with your child so they know you well. Inside and out. That way when the other side of the family starts to bad mouth you, your kid knows better than to believe anything they say. My kids were 5 and 6 when their dad and I broke up. I sat them down and told them what happened. Of course, they had heard the fights, seen the broken light fixtures, and broken beer bottles, stuff thrown another the house. They didn’t need to be told about that. I told them we needed to be the three musketeers. All for one and one for all. If we did that, we could make it. So we did. We worked and played together and we did it. A tight little unit. As time went on, if you had a problem with one of us, you had a problem with all of us. We still have each other’s backs today. Be that way with your child. Nobody will ever be able to come between you.

Ur protecting ur child!! … ur not wrong… violent towards u is wrong… but while u were pregnant… very very wrong… keep ur child away from such vile individuals

Nothing is wrong when you are trying to protect your kids

If they can’t respect you then no they do not deserve to see your child, your baby is only on this earth because of YOU! So no I don’t think you are , you are protecting you baby, and what if all those bad things they’re saying about you they say around your kid, def not something anyone would want their kid around.

Toxic is toxic. People think just cuz they’re “family” they get a free pass to act sh!tty. Shut that right down :clap:t3:

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It’s called placing boundaries and if not respected then dealing with consequences

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Let their son telll them no talking about you and you no talking about them especially to your child then no problems with them seeing child. That’s what all involved do as adults. Let their son be the median. Let him tell them this. I would steer clear of them myself and never deal with them whatsoever. If their son isn’t in the picture, let someone else be the median…don’t text or talk with them yourself.

My daughter’s will not be around my husbands sister because she’s an immature disrespectful stripper who couldn’t even cover up her damn nipples for my wedding.

Husband and inlaws think I’m being ridiculous. I don’t care.

Maybe. If you quietly go no contact and just live your life it’s not using your kid. If you make a production out of it, or drag it out, or go back into the situation a second time then you’re definitely using your kid as a pawn.

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As long as you are not the one creating the volatile situations you are right.

No you are not using her as a pawn. You are protecting her from abuse and if they treat you that way, they’ll treat her that way eventually. Stay away.

Nope. If it’s not safe for you to be around then what’s to say one day it won’t be safe for the life you created too. I will not have my kids around people that don’t treat me right. Period.

Nope. You’re protecting your child. Now, if they were good people and treated you with respect and you did this then that would be using your child as a pawn.

That’s not what using your kid as a pawn is. If you were using your kid as a pawn, you would be holding visits over their head to get what you want. It’s not using your child as a pawn by keeping them away from toxic people. If someone can’t respect you, they don’t get to have a relationship with your child(ren).

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You’re the parent. Your boundaries apply. Anyone who thinks that you’re “using your kid as a pawn” vs. protecting them - already has an unstable way of thinking

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They would have no contact. Be blocked from everything.

No, it’s called boundries. A lot of people don’t understand this and think because their family they have a right to your child, regardless of how hurtful and toxic their behavior can be. It’s not right and family doesn’t give them a free pass. That’s always been my stance on this subject. I’ve been in this situation myself where I was disrespected by my husbands side of the family. I always received a cold vibe from them when I could come around, which was every week because of how tight knit by husband was with them. Regardless of the feeling, I would still show up. A couple times throughout the years I’d mention how I felt to my husband, but he never responded or acknowledged anything I said. One day they’re cold dismissive demeanor turned verbal. The MIL started and the rest followed. To wrap up all that was said, I was told I wasn’t welcomed. It was at that point that I started to keep my daughter away too. I didn’t want her around people that didn’t respect me and couldn’t give me a reason why. My husband would still go around them and take our child even though they continued to harass me. This began to cause alot of built-up resentment I had for my husband. We had to begin therapy, which then I noticed when he finally learned the message he was sending by continuing to be around while leaving me at home—it seemed he started to resent me. 5 years went by and he completely changed. Not only was he completely cold to me, but barely engaged with our children. We are now no longer together as a result of everything. It’s devastating. If you need to talk to someone, you can always pm me. Sounds like our situations are very similar :heart:

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Protecting kids from toxic people = good parenting.

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No… you are protecting your child .

They shouldn’t be toxic, then they would see the child. I’ve had the same issue with my ex mother in law. I begged her to be a grandma and actually participate in their lives when I was with her son. I had to bed him to be a dad too. Guess the apple don’t fall far from the tree huh. Now I can’t allow either of them to see the kids because he’s a meth head and she enables him. She would take them to see their sperm donor in that state. He’s taken them on drug deals. Nope, nope, nope. Never again with I trust any of them. Always always always follow your gut! Hang in there hun.

Stick to your guns momma!! Your child , your decision what environment you choose to raise her.:sunflower::v:t4::heart:

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No, using them as a pawn would be withholding them to get something you want. I absolutely would not allow my children around toxic people, especially if they tried to physically harm me!

My ex-laws were the same. Than again there is no perfect parenting. Your job is to protect and show the child they don’t need to tolerate toxic behaviour no matter who it is. The other side want nothing to do with him now because I told them "if you want to be around my son, I do not want trash talking. "

Absolutely not. It is your job as a parent to keep your children away from negativity and give them a good peaceful life. I have to do the same from my own family. They are very toxic.

Nope… you protect your children. BE the mother Bear !!!

I agree with you 100 :100::100::100:

Your child, your rules! It is your job to protect your child from anyone or anything toxic no matter who or what it is. I wouldn’t care what they say or think about it either. :woman_shrugging:t3: