Am I wrong for being upset?

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 9yrs ,he's 45y & I'm 30y. We have 3 kids: 10y(B) 5yr (B) & 2y(G), only the last two biologically his. We have had MANY conversations about our future..marriage, house, etc. This year he bought me a promise ring for Christmas(he bought is Christmas eve & I have to wear it on my thumb it's so big). Let me start of by saying it's beautiful and I love it BUT after almost 9yrs I feel its slightly irrelevant. To me a promise ring is a step of from dating someone, its show we are serious but not yet engaged. Doesn't living together for 8 + years and having two more children together already say that?!? Am I wrong for being upset..? I feel like it's just another way to push out getting engaged and married.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong for being upset?

Nah you aren’t wrong for thinking what the heck, because I’m also over here thinking what the heck hahaha.

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No . I reckon feeling upset is ok. He hasn’t bothered with the detail at all and it feels like he’s given you a consolation prize rather than a commitment. More like a ‘ keep her quiet ‘ present .

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I wouldn’t have stayed that long without talking about getting married

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You did it all backward from the git go.

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Wow, he didn’t even get the ring size right.
I’d be upset

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You have a right to be upset and you are correct it’s just a hush present. I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation about the goals for the relationship. It’s been long enough to know if he wants to marry you or not and he needs to be making them steps!

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I’d love the ring. But hate the idea that after 9 years he still doesn’t know the size.

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Next time he’s feeling frisky give gift certificates for bowling and a dollar off on large fries then roll over and go to sleep

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Is not gonna change anything :woozy_face: just a certificate saying you’re married
Other than that y’all lives will be the same…

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Marriage isn’t for everyone. Maybe he doesn’t need a piece of paper to show he loves you & committed to you? The promise ring could be his way of comprising with you.

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Sounds to me like you might be right! You have already decided how this relationship is going to end. Do something about it. Don’t waste anymore time wanting to be married to him. Make your decision and then go. There is such a thing as falling out of love or losing interest because someone waited to long to act. I think your boyfriend can’t see the forest for the trees.

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Yeah, should be a engagement, ring idk I’d be upset. What’s the hold up? Ask him, my husband knows my ring size he did when we were dating. Tell him how you feel.

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He gave you an “It’s been 9 years and 2 children, and I’m still not ready to commit ring”

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If he respects loves and supports you…I can’t see the issue…go arrange the right ring size and enjoy it…count your blessings…and keep moving forward…seeing so many failing relationships …and how each partner is mistreated…if you think its an issue voice your worries but don’t make a big issue…being there for you is priceless

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You settled for less when you moved in with him and had his kids without the commitment. So now he probably thinks what’s the point you guys are basically married without it being official

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I’d be upset first that the size is wrong. Like, DUH. Then I’d be upset if you’re going to make a gesture after nine years it’s a promise rather than engagement.

Your feelings are definitely validated. He’d be better off not doing it at all in my opinion.

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then you buy a ring for him and say this is the date we getting married

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Yeah a promise ring is really silly at this point. But :woman_shrugging: obviously he isn’t ready for marriage and he is telling you that with this ring. I would stop playing house and playing wife if you want marriage. If he’s not ready now he won’t be.

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I recieved a promise ring at 16 years of age from my boyfriend (which I did marry at seveneen…But in your situation yeh…not saying much

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Just organise a surprise wedding…he’s just being lazy…

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I’ve been with my significant other going on 7 years. He got me a promise ring at 4 months and we got engaged after being together 4 years. We still haven’t set a date or even thought about planning a wedding. It used to bug me that we weren’t jumping into planning but now I see it as we do everything like we are married. We’ve both been through marriages and divorces horrible ones. So I really just feel like we are content and don’t put any pressure on each other. He wears his promise ring around his neck every day and has since he gave me mine. Marriage is and can be a wonderful thing but it’s not everything to us. Being happy and being together and having our family is what we focus on.

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9 years?? You’ve been put off 6-7 years tooooo long. There’s no future there. The ring is a pacifier, to keep you quiet. You’re upset about the wrong thing. You’re still young enough to have a relationship with someone who is willing to take care of you and your children for the rest of your life you deserve far better

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He don’t want to be with you. It’s something there where he don’t wanna commit for a reason .

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Some man are like that… they just don’t get it right

Not ok. If marriage is something you want he’s moving at the slowest pace ever. A promise ring at this point in your relationship is honestly sad. You’re 100% justified to feel disappointed and honestly disrespected by the lack of effort in even getting it sized. It definitely feels like a way to get the heat off of him or a way to continue putting off a proposal or marriage.

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You see the problem is you gave yourself away without a commitment already so he feels it’s okay you’ll settle for less you know the old story why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free I still don’t understand why women keep putting themselves in this position

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6 years not married or engaged.

Well guys have 1 track minds,plus if he bought it by himself with no help, yeah,I think he may be thinking he bought you what u wanted…

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If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve by now. Im sorry. :confused:

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I didn’t get married until we had dated for 10 years. We just were not ready or mature enough. He proposed several times, several rings etc. We just needed to go through the ups and downs and life before we really were ready.

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Leave. You aren’t on the same page, wanting different things.

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Don’t rush it , I know 9 years is a long time plus with kid’s but sometimes it’s better to wait a little longer even tho 9+year’s is a long time. Some people still don’t make it even after being together that long. He might be waiting a little longer to make sure y’all make it … yes , I do agree a engagement ring should of come instead of a promise ring , he might want to make you the promise he isn’t going nowheres after that long but again some don’t make it…

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I don’t think your wrong. I feel like you have every right to feel the way you do. Truthfully men can talk about what sounds good but can’t put it into action. I think talking to him about this “promise ring”and how irrelevant it is to your current relationship is the way to go.
He just may never be ready for the final step of committment

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Keep it on your thumb. Tell him you are saving your ring finger for your wedding band. I would definitely get a future plan. Especially after 2 kids. Maybe he is playing it safe to avoid child support.

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I am 50 and he is 53. He gave me his class ring after 6 months. I love it. No girl has ever been able to wear it. He loves me.

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A promise ring at 9 years??? Well that means engagement at 9 more and marriage at another 9 years. Girl you got another 18 more years, Your almost there🙄

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My so and his ex wife married early a year of dating and married , 4 kid’s later & was together 11 year’s and divorced. Been spilt up for almost 9 year’s.

A promise ring seems almost insulting after 9ys, not saying you should get engaged clearly but imo he’s juvenile, just a regular gift would have been better

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Promise rings are honestly more for high schoolers or people in their younger 20s (not trying to be rude to anyone with promise rings, they’re just more for people who aren’t at an older age who are ready to 100% settle down).

The fact that you’ve been together so long and have kids, and he hasn’t proposed yet, he honestly might never. That’s a very long time to be with someone especially at such a mature age and not be engaged.

I’d feel like I was wasting my life, I’m sorry. :disappointed:

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May he is not ready to be married yet but “promises” to be with you and intend to marry you in the future( kinda what the promise ring means). If you are ready for marriage and he isn’t, then there has been lack of communication by the both if you. So I totally can’t support you here

If you’re willing to give the milk for free why would anyone buy the cow? Proly something you shoulda thought of before giving him all the benefits of marriage without the legal commitment :woman_facepalming::woman_shrugging:

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Omg These comments are killing me :woman_facepalming: I understand the hurt you are feeling by getting a “promise ring” I mean at this point you guys are far beyond promising anything. But take a step back and look at your relationship. Before he gave you the ring were you happy? What were your long term plans? Have you talked about marriage? Is marriage something you both truly want? He may not want to get married and feared if he gave you an engagement ring that means you need to start planning a wedding he doesn’t want. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you! I have been with my fiancé for 15 years! We are not married and have no plans to be. He did propose 12 years ago but that was more to seal the deal. We talked about that and how I wanted him to at least propose to me so he did. Maybe that’s an option for you but you both need to communicate. I don’t think getting a promise ring means you need to end your relationship. I think you both just need to communicate your expectations if you haven’t already done so. In the meantime I would proudly wear that promise ring as he picked it out for you! :heart:

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I don’t think there is any right or wrong timeframe there is only what YOU are willing to be happy with and if after 9 years you need more & he simply will not and does not want the same then it’s time to sit down together and evaluate your happiness. I’ve been with my BF for 9 years too, no ring of any kind and we don’t even live together. But I’m not pushing it because what we have works for us and I’m happy. If the day ever comes when that arrangement no longer works and he’s unwilling to change or compromise then a different conversation will be had. Do what makes you happy and damn the social “norms”.

When a man wants to spend the rest of his life with you it doesn’t take 9+ years to show it. Find someone who loves you and WANTS to commit to you!

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Why do women feel the ultimate goal is for a man to marry her?
Marriage is overrated.
I dated for one year then got engaged.
Was engaged for a year then got married - was married for a few years before I realised marriage was the pits and I left - life has been amazing ever since!!!

Currently happily dating for 7 years - having our second (& last) baby soon
My partner gave me a ring after about 18 months of dating - I made him wait for a wedding.
If it were up to him we would have been married a few months after the engagement.

If he wanted to marry you he would have done so by now.
Don’t be upset - there’s one of two ways to react.
I don’t see a problem either way.

Just remember you are more than complete as a women without a ring or marriage.
You’re a mother and that trumps everything else.

After two kids and no ring - it’s more than him being unable to commit to your relationship - that’s all on him & nothing to do with you at all.

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I’d honestly be upset to.

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Why would he propose when you have already given him a wife? Its plain and simple Hun, if he wanted to he would, men aren’t that complicated sorry.

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Are you sure he wants to actually get married on paper? I mean, what are you waiting for? You’re talking about future plans but he’s 45. The time is now lol.

I’m sorry but my partner and I was getting married in 2016 but I ended it. It was stressful and plus just having a baby I couldn’t do it but now i still hate the idea of marriage :rofl: I would love to just get engaged and end it there :heart:

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A promise ring is something teenagers get their little gf. Kiddy shit.

That is incredibly insulting. I have no words.

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He’s pretty old. If he’s not ready to commit and get married then idk what else you’re waiting for. You’ve given him a decade of your life. Your precious 20s. And 2 kids.

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Honestly I would look upon it as a cocktail ring. Promise rings to me are for high school and early college dating culture. It’s like making a promise to someone before you’re too young to actually get engaged sort of thing. So just wear it as a little Glam bobble

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Sweetheart, be thankful you have your guy and that he bought you a ring. My husband and I have hit a rough patch and we weren’t together for Christmas and most likely won’t be together for the new year. You are blessed and you don’t even see it.

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Why not open up and let him know how you feel?
You mentioned talking plans, future and all, these are centered on what?
Married life or live in lovers
Sort it out and make a decision.

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If it’s important to you to get married why not tell him that? I told my husband when I was ready to get married and we started planning.

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You have every right to be upset. I mean, you’ve been together for 9 years and have 2 children together. He’s either not fully committed to this relationship, or he’s afraid of marriage.

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Marriage is overrated. A ring does not mean anything.
His actions do.

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I gave my husband 4 years to propose. Finally…two months after dating 4 years…told him we are marrying or I’m gone. Not wasting anymore time. We got married 3 months later. Lol. Put your foot down. 8 years is a long time to wait for just a promise ring…

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Sounds like it’s time to have a serious conversation with him to find out where he’s at. Only he knows :woman_shrugging:t2:

Well sweetie, of course you have every right to be upset even to feel insulted. BUT there’s an age old saying YOU don’t give Husband privileges to a BOYFRIEND. You have given this Man NINE years of your life ,ALL the benefits of Marriage including children, WHY would he Marry you? You have given him the BENEFITS of Marriage without Any commitment of Marriage .

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If you want to get married tell him that. Have a serious talk with him about it. At this point he probably see’s no reason to get married cause you already live together and have kids. Does he not want the final commitment of a marriage?

You can be committed without getting married.
Legally it’s a convenient thing to have though

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It’s been 9 years. Why the ring? You already giving him everything he wants

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Clearly ur partner isn’t there for some reason talk need happen ,if u work out his issues , u ask him

If he ain’t ready after 8 years, he has no intention of getting married.

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Yeah I feel like he’s too grown to be giving out promise rings :sob: you have a whole family. a promise ring seems more high school to me idk

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So my spouse and I have 2 daughters, been together 16 years with no plan of getting married. Neither of us want a piece of paper. We have each other, we bought our very first house 3 years ago, in both our names. Have a joint account and everything like a married couple. We are happy with it. He has given me 2 rings over this course, not promise rings. He did it because he wanted too and it was a big step for him too. Not everything has to be on paper. But I would talk to him, for the soul fact it was in your conversation about the future and he’s not going forward with it. That is concerning.

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Just because you want to get married doesn’t mean he does… talk with him and ask him what his feeling about the situation is and tell him you want more, if he doesn’t want to get married you may have to be happy with how it is.

You both have to ready for marriage you are not wrong for feeling the way you do but you can’t be mad at him for not being ready to get married. It took me 8 years to be ready to marry my husband. We were already living together but for me marriage was a big step. I am happy my husband was patient with me and waited until I told him I was finally ready.

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Think about why the marriage itself is so important and then have the discussion with your SO to see if he thinks it’s as important as you do and why you two may not see eye to eye

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He obviously does not. So leave

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Check with an attorney - common-law marriage ???

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Shouldve been an engagement ring to be honest… You aren’t wrong in feeling that way especially if you want to get married.
My parents got engaged when I was 7. Im now 30 and they have just gotten engaged again… Idk, i expected a wedding but

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Seems like you need new partner, or someone who actually will commit. After 9 years and two kids. Nothing seems like it will be more.

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A promise ring lmao that’s for junior high. He needs to man up and marry you.

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You’ll never be good enough… he doesn’t want to be married to you

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Agree that’s a cheap shot , sorry

He doesn’t want to marry you.

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Doesn’t sound like he wants to get married.

Does he help with the kids? Does he have a job? Does he love you respect you generally care about and the kids? If so it’s been 8 plus years to be that a Commitment

You don’t need a legal piece of paper stating you love one another!

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If he treats you good and you love him, don’t force him or give him an ultimatum. I’ve seen many miserable men forced into marriage. If you didn’t have so much invested I’d tell you to walk away but why break up a happy home and put your kids through all that trauma? I firmly do not believe that marriage is just a piece of paper that’s why I don’t feel someone should be pressured into it.

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Promise rings are for junior high… not adults.

Thing is, you’re already living like you’re married.

In the nicest way possible you need ask what it is he was promising on Christmas that he wasn’t already promising the last 9 yrs. Make him explain the stupidity.

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He don’t wanna be married.

Sounds like he’s already married :joy:

I personally think promise rings are childish. I.e. for high school/college students. But to each their own. I would have to agree with you though

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Sounds like he’s pretty content with u just being a girlfriend that he just has kids with and lives with

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Definitely at a point and level not to have been giving a promise ring.

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Maybe he doesn’t want to marry you yet, maybe he ain’t ready! Don’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do

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I know men don’t think or plan like us women do, which is why they really need to talk to their sisters/our sisters/female cousins/aunts/moms/whotheFever before doing any ring shopping!!! IMO, he should have purchased it sooner to have it sized in time to give it to you as a Christmas gift…or had it sized in time for Valentines Day. Take the ring to the retailer tomorrow, should take a week for them to size it. A promise ring is a promise that the engagement ring is coming. Whether it’s a stackable set and the engagement ring and wedding band will all be worn together with it/he is waiting for a financial deal to close/the perfect moment (an upcoming trip/visit from relatives that live long distance/your anniversary ect) you don’t really know what he is up to. If nothing has happened by the 10 year mark I would ask him to sit down and talk about the future with you. If he is not ready ask him how he feels about you legally changing your last name to his so that you can have the same last name as your kids before they realize the difference and what it means. That may nudge him towards marriage quickly.

Everyone here should Google the purpose of promise rings because you’re all mis…mis…mistaken/misconstrued/misinformed/miserable and giving the wrong information about promise rings.

Good luck to the OP

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You are not wrong, promise rings are for kids who are still at school,you guys are parent’s and by now he is supposed to know whether he wants to marry you or not 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

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Going to have to take what you got from this guy… cause he isn’t offering any more then what you have…a lick and a promise…

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He may have a different idea of a long term relationship. Maybe y’all should discuss what that looks like to your both? It took my cousin 9 years to marry her SO and it seems to be worth it for them. 🤷🏻

Girl you better give him a promise meal, a promise fuck, and some promise head lol that’s crazy… is he missing some screws??

It’s the 21st century :woman_facepalming: 90% of couples i know i have been living together, have had kids together for 6/7 plus years, and aren’t married.
It’s not what it used to be anymore.
If he’s stayed with you an been faithful and a decent guy for all this time. Why should it even matter :woman_facepalming:

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9 years in and he gives you a promise ring? That man has no intention on marrying you.

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