I need stepmom advice: I have one biological child and 3 step children. My biological child and one step child lives with me. The other two live with their mom 3 hours away. We have those 2 every other weekend and sometimes a week at a time during the summer. The step child that lives with me came 3 years ago to live here because of behavior issues and issues she was having with her mom. I have done everything to make her feel a mothers love since she feels she didn’t receive that from her biological mother. She did great for a while then I found messages between her and one of her siblings calling me a bitch multiple times. She has caused many problems in our home lately like sneaking out of the house, pausing location on life 360, and driving illegal to a city 30 minutes away to have sex with a guy she didn’t even know. After that happened we took her phone away and deleted all social media besides tik tok for now. We saw a lot of messages and pictures between her and a lot guys. So now all she has is text messages and Tik tok and I have an app installed that I can monitor her text messages. She isn’t aware of the app but what we had previous found in her phone we felt this was best for us to monitor everything she is talking about. She only has the phone so we know her location when she is working or at school. Even though she has the app we do physical searches of her phone to check somethings the app can’t check. After all this she started doing ok then she started pausing her life 360 location while at school and we would discuss it and she would do ok for a week or so and then do it again. It’s like no matter what we say and do she refuses to follow the rules. Lately she has been only communicating with her dad asking him for things When he tells her to ask me she never does and then he winds up doing it when he has free time. With his work schedule I’m always the one taking her and picking her up from school and the same with work. Sometimes she will ask for something and I will ask her dad and he says no so I tell her and then she will turn around and ask him the same thing even after I said he said no. It has made me feel like she is going behind my back to be spiteful. I am frustrated and so stressed lately and all of these has caused me to pull away from her. Am I wrong for pulling away? What do I do to keep myself from getting so stressed because my mom feels like with all the stress she is causing me that I will start having health problems? Her dad keeps telling her if she messes up one more time he is gonna send her back to her mother. I don’t want that for her but all of this is causing fights between me and him and I don’t want to lose him.
I have a daughter that is 20 years-old and gave me loads of problems when she was a teenager (smoking weed, hanging out with boys, skipping school, etc.). Girls are usually more difficult than boys, stepdaughters and daughters as well.
I gained my daughter’s trust by trusting her on the first place. I don’t think going through their phones, reading their private messages is it a good idea at all. You are basically violating her privacy and she is never going to trust you and talk to you about her problems, struggles or puberty questions. Looking through her phone is not going to stop her from doing whatever she wants and you both are going to push her apart even more. By controlling her that way you are going to achieve just the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. Try talking to her (treating her like an adult and making her see that her opinion matters) and build trust on each other without becoming her enemy. My relationship with my daughter was that awful at some point that I almost quicked her out of the house, but our relationship is amazingly good now. The only thing I did was to start trusting her and have more meaningful conversations with her. My relationship with her is million times better than my relationship with my own mom. I was able to break the toxic cycle that my mom started. My mom used to go through my drawers and read my diaries. I remember it like it happened yesterday and still makes me feel ‘rejection’ towards her. I have never trusted her and even nowadays I don’t tell her ANYTHING private. My daughter tells me everything instead.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong to distance myself from my stepdaughter? - Mamas Uncut
You’re the adult. There’s no distancing yourself from your children- biological or otherwise. I’d say get in family counseling 
As a step mother, you’re still a mother. Would you pull away if it was your biological child? I doubt it. Parenting doesn’t involve giving up, but sometimes alot of patience. Stop paying the phone and begin to cut the things you pay for. You didn’t mention age so I’m guessing she can get a job. Also kids in split household’s struggle, discuss family therapy and individual therapy. At the end of the day, it is wrong to distance yourself and you need to work with your husband for a solution. At this point, with how you feel, she’s also probably treated differently which doesn’t help either.
You don’t send a child away. You never give up.
These types of behaviors go beyond normal teen things. She is obviously acting out and struggling. She’s going to find a way to skirt all of your rules. You need to get her in to see a therapist to help her find better coping mechanisms, and possibly a psychiatrist for an evaluation. You can’t ignore or punish the behavior out of her if it’s a mental health issue.
I can’t believe y’all would threaten to send a child back. Sick! Family therapy sounds needed
I think you and her dad need a united front on everything. If one says no. The other needs to back it. I don’t know her age, but that makes a difference in how you should handle this. I would not distance yourself because it seems she needs that stability and unconditional love. Is she old enough to have a conversation with? Adult stuff. If she is having sex and things then I’m assuming she is old enough to know actions have consequences. Lay them all out. Lay out expectations. Lay out rules. Lay out consequences. You and the husband as 1 need to do this. I also, would ask the husband to refrain from threatening to send her to her moms. I know he is probably ready to, but she hears is I’ll just toss you away too. She needs to hear that no one is giving up but that enough is enough. Tighten the leash. Take the phone. Take away any activity after school. Etc. Therapy has worked wonders for my 13 year old. He still has some stuff to work on, but it has helped me be a better parent too.
As a parent you NEVER give up. Take her phone away if she’s disobeying that badly. If she pauses the life app, she gets the phone taken away. You have to have consequences and respect has to be met. Get her in to therapy asap. I know how hard the step parent life can be, but once you’re in their life you’re there. Stay strong!
Super wrong on your part in more ways than one. Same goes for the dad. Time to grow tf up and learn unconditional love. Smh
You do know she can message people on Tiktok also right!
In my own opinion I’d say get her into some counseling and therapy,
Make sure you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to her asking things at all times, and if need be yes send her back to her mom’s for a couple of weeks to have a short break. Do a two week on off schedule.
But just know your doing an amazing job and keep your head up 
As a stepmom ~ take care of yourself first. She has a bio-Mom & bio-Dad. Whatever issues she’s having have not been dealt with by these 2 biological parents & they’re passing her off onto you. NO. It might be messy but they have to deal with her issues. You can support their efforts but they must be THEIR efforts or else they won’t be appreciated by your step-daughter. Yes, fight for her, but don’t drown yourself while trying to rescue her. If you need to be in the session as well then by all means but the right people need to be hands on about her mental, emotional & physical wellbeing.
She probably has the mindset “No matter what I do, they are going to send me back”. She probably feels extremely unwanted.
Tiktok is probably the worst of all social media FYI!
Wow that’s sad
The question you should ask yourself is would I do that to my biological child
Your absolutely on track !! Been there done that an Lort know it makes you miserable which is why she does it ! Distance an you’ll get to the point it doesn’t bother you!! Then it will make her miserable !! Don’t let it cause problems between you an your husband because that’s exactly what she wants !! Don’t give it to her !! Hang in the honey !! 
It’s very hard being a parent in general, let alone a step parent. But believe me, it will get better, I know it doesn’t seem like it now but it does. Whether she wants to admit it or not, she knows what your doing is only what’s best for her in the long run. I had a step son that did much worse and I mean much worse but in the end , he thanked my ex and I for doing what we did because it showed him we cared about him and his future, don’t ever give up on kids
Sounds to me like this girl needs some serious love and a lot of counseling. Children do not act out for no reason. Also when you married someone with kids you signed up to be there for your spouse AND THE KIDS no matter how hard it gets.
Just remember what ever you do, the other child is watching. Maybe you should put her into counseling, but if she is all ready sexually active or thinking about it or you think she is, Go put her on birth control, get the shot, that way you don’t have to worry about her not taking it. A lot of people will say no, but I’m telling you , I would do this, rather then taking the chance of a child having a child. You CANNOT watch her 24/7 and as you know it only takes once. If she is all ready on this path you won’t be able to stop her. Also teach her about sexuality transmitted diseases.
Damn this girl sounds heavy soooo …
Is military school still a thing? Cuz that’s what I would do, not even gunna lie. If I felt like it was my last chance to save her from herself basically.
Giving up on her is the worse thing you can do. She sounds as if she is in a rebellious stage and it also sounds as if you aren’t making a connection with her. You need to find a level with her that she can relate to a form a real connection with her. She sounds misguided and is most likely just acting out. If you can’t handle your emotions and regulate, how can you expect her to trust you. Also she has zero sense of privacy, which all kids need.
I went through a similar situation. After lots of counseling and therapy. My therapist asked me what it would look like for me to let go. Let go of the “control” and let dad handle it.
Honestly I was shocked. I didn’t think that was possible or the right thing either. Until I did. The relationship with my step daughter is better. And I don’t feel like I’m going to have a heart attack everytime my child does something out of my control. If we are really being honest here. Kids/Teenagers are going to do what they want to do. And they will sneak and hide it and test boundaries. They only thing we can control is how we respond. And try to direct them in a better way.
Another thing I gained from this is more time for my biological child that was getting put on the back burner for the step child acting out. I hadn’t realized how much time effort and energy I was spending on these situations. Until I let go.
I am Not saying give up. Or anything. Love heals if amazing ways. Just keep doing the next right thing. Kill her with kindness and forgiveness. Let go of the control and fear. And MAKE DAD DEAL with it.
Side note I would also take the phone away. If she isn’t respecting the boundaries. (My husband wouldn’t agree) lol but I would suggest it to him.
Get rid of all extras on phone if you want ir for location only have it for that only. If she wants pizza and not homemade packed lunch have her mow the lawn. If she wants her phone Friday for ticktok have her clean the car (don’t obviously give her same $ as you would car detailer but if data cost 20$ a month thag say gives her 10$ ) if she is the oldest chores. If I wanted allowance as a kid I had to pack away my clothes vacuum my floors and keep the car clean
Her own mother should be involved. That could be her issue. And I’d take all media not just a few. Tic is just as bad. She earns anything she gets otherwise she gets nothing. But u def need counsling and Ne er let a child come between u and ur hubby. Ur together forever. She will one day leave. I’d talk to mom and get her involved to help after all it’s her kid. Who sends their own kid away and don’t help them as a mother. Good luck. Sounds like a mess. Therapy Time.
I’d have dad set rules and sit her down and just tell her you will back his rules as he is the bio parent. I mean she will respect him more than a step mom I know I still would and I 30… bio parents who are there are more important to us than step espnas teens whether we tell the new wife’s or husband’s of theres… if they just stay out of my way and let mY primary parent be the bad guy that’s there best bet.
She’s a child, they make mistakes. Since being sent back to her mother has been said, she probably doesn’t even care anymore. Different ways to parent besides threats and making a child feel unloved and unwanted. You guys did fine by monitoring and taking away phone. Obviously what she does needs punished. But clearly there’s underlying issues. Maybe show some freaking love? You’re married so you took on that child as your child. The fact that you separate your bio child and stepchild says a lot.
You should not be the one who is having the most responsibility for her , she has a bio mom and she should be dealing with her daughter issues as well.
Try to get her some counseling/ therapy and give her a ultimatum if that doesn’t work, a Boot Camp vacation or family services should be consider . You should not lose your marriage or health over a teenager bad behavior
Look into Nacho parenting. There is a group on Facebook
Welcome to teenage life 
think of her as your own child would you give up and ship them off 
you need to reevaluate your personal feelings towards here teens are evil and sneak and mean even when they are your own bio children it’s so important right now that you do not give up on her and keep trying to get her to open up and be involved as a family because if she’s goes down the wrong road now it will be to late very very important don’t give up the stress is crazy and scary and hard but that’s life !! We take what we have and try our best every day is a new day !! Maybe try doing stuff with just her try to bind not shopping obviously maybe go volunteer together don’t make it and option make her start doing a part time hobby
How is your relationship with the other children? She may feel she needs to lash out for attention, think how she must feel being told she can no longer live with her siblings!!. Happened to me in my early teens; I felt discarded.
Try talking to her during those rides to work and school. It can make all the difference. Good luck 
Ok well first off, every child is going to call their parent names. 
you’re the adult. Don’t take it personally. Next, how old is this girl? Y’all need some family therapy. If she can’t be responsible with a phone, TAKE IT AWAY. You both are supposed to be the parental figures! Teach her responsibility and what being an adult is like. Her paycheck she earns at her job can pay for her phone and it will pay for a little flip phone, that’s it. Texting and calling only. Do you know how hard it was to send dirty messages on the old keyboards? Way harder than it is now. Get a cheap home security system with alarms on the windows and doors. They will let you know if she sneaks out again. If she can’t leave out the front door, she shouldn’t be leaving. 
I’m really not understanding why all of this running over is happening. I understand that it’s being allowed to happen because y’all are trying to be nice by allowing her to still have privileges.
Just a heads up, she can message all of her friends on TikTok. I don’t know what to say about the rest aside from teenage girls have a lot of emotions going on in the best of times. Teenage girls dealing with broken homes and mother and father issues, perhaps especially so. Family counseling and private therapy would likely be amazing for her, and the rest of you guys, as well. Try not to let her feel like she’s unwanted, tho.
So when I was going through training to be a foster mom, they insisted on “time in” instead of “time out” or punishment. Meaning, make them spend time with you as discipline bc eventually they will see you are there for them and you are trying to do best for them. I know from personal experience with a step child that this can be difficult. My step child’s punishment is that she has to spend all her time with me (and her dad if he isn’t working). Her phone is turned off and she has to engage with me or sit there. I also agree there needs to be some therapy.
I’d actually call you a betch too , only outta retaliation … you’re doing fine as a stepmom , but sometimes , a childs mind speaks different volumes than an adult . Treat her like an adult , if she wants to be one . Board/rent , bills , privilege revoked , pay her way … she’ll learn when she does , but forced learning never works …. I believe it causes more reason for retaliation .
No job, phone for school make her ride the bus.
How old is this child? Your child, because yes, if you married the father, she is in fact your child now as well.
Sadly it is just part of the teenage years… partly I need for attention that she didn’t get from her mother the drama the chaos it seems like they kind of thrive off of it… It is truly I struggle but with my bonus daughter she called me a b**** many times and always trying to go behind my back and get something from her dad after I told her no even though he said no but after she got older on became an adult she actually apologized to me and thanked me for never giving up… First and foremost you’re her mother not her friend so she’s not going to love you all the time but you can love her all the time even if you struggle to do it… Maybe family counseling is an option or even just counseling for her just somebody to talk to would not be a bad thing for her and shame on all the people trying to shame on you… But also I have really never referred to my stepchildren as my stepchildren I always called them my bonus children… Just love her and don’t give up… Family counseling or just individual counseling for her that’s on you to make that decision… And also if she is sexual active birth control I wouldn’t do the pill because you have to remember to take it everyday I would do the shot or something like that cuz the last thing you want is to have a teenage mother on top of it all…
So she is old enough to work, and drive, but y’all want to condemn her basically for being sexually active and from the sounds of it y’all giving an almost adult too many rules? You realize in a year or two, she’s going to be an adult? Why not start treating her like one? Let her learn from her own mistakes. Natural consequences are a very very good learning experience for teens. I’m not sure why so many parents treat their teens like toddlers and then don’t understand what the problem is. They’re going to literally be whole ass adults, prepare them for that. As an adult do you have to answer to someone 24/7?! Do you have to have your location monitored?! Do you have to explain yourself for having sex?! Do better
He’s either on the same page with you or he isn’t. It starts with getting your husband on the same page. No more back n forth bs. If she can’t handle that, then maybe she goes back or gets intervention therapy.
What app is it that monitors it?
Sounds like normal teenage rebellion. Doesn’t make it less difficult to handle but I don’t think anything’s going to get better as long as she’s made to feel insecure in her home and like no one wants her around. Dad needs to STOP with the threats to send her back to her mom. Her mom sent her away, I’m sure this has caused resentment and abandonment issues, now her dad threatens to send her away as well… that would take a toll on anyone’s mental health so of course she acts out.
send her back to her mom. she dont wanna listen and be a brat thats on her. not u or dad! step kids are assholes. u have every right to pull your self away for a bit, ESPECIALLY if its for your health!
Your her step mom her dad & mom are responsible for her discipline not you. Let them lay down the law, not you.
So now you probably see what her biological mom was going through. Maybe she wasn’t as bad as your step daughter made her seem. She seems very manipulative but that happens a lot when kids have parents that are broken up especially if the parents have issues with each other. It’s easy for them to get away with things. You know the part of your wedding vows that says for better or worse, well here it is. 
You didn’t mention whether your biological child belongs to your husband or not. If your biological child isn’t your husband’s how would you want him to handle the situation if it was your child acting like this? Would you want him to distance himself? Raising kids is hard and sometimes it’s harder when it’s someone else’s child but guess what hun, this is what you signed up for. Maybe y’all should try counseling because the most ALARMING thing about this situation is her going off to have sex with a stranger and the illegal driving.
All of this a teenager and product of divorce. Tell dad the behind your back asking him & you to pit against the other. So does she go to visit her mom at all? Time for her to not use your vehicle & keep the keys secured. Time for therapy and are ya’ll going to church? She NEEDS to be involved with something social & positive. If she is busy with a group, she wo t be stealing your car to go have sex with a stranger- and by the way, you should have called the police on him. Spend as much time as you can with her & the other in family activities. Keep her so busy, and parental blocks on the cell and try to put a pass code on the monitoring app you have so she can’t turn it off or find another app.
Even though teens are so hard to parent and try our best you wouldn’t be asking the same? If it was your bio daughter because the option of shipping her off wouldn’t be one. Hopefully its just a stage. Maybe counseling for her or for the family to help? She sounds like alot of teen girls seeking that attention even tho we know thats dangerous and wrong
time out is not just for the child it’s for the parents as well then do time in to discuss the issues also don’t lecture lecturing makes them feel a type of way. I have learned a lot from a parenting group called circle of security it’s based at a collage in Florida.
Ok. So you don’t want her to get sent back to her mom due to her behavior but you’d rather her be stuck with you & YOU just neglect/ignore her? Um, don’t dote on being a stepmother if you can’t handle it. She’s a teen from a broken home. She’s dealing with her own issues likely from her abandonment on her mom’s part. But let’s add her 2nd mom doing the same & assume she’ll be okay 
When you got with dad him and the kids are a package deal either accept her as your own or leave no in-between. It sounds like she’s a teen and teens are d!cks
Hang in there it will get better, she is just probably overwhelmed and depressed about not having her family for help.
Is her bio mom even willing to take her back?
What alternatives does this child have?
She is attention seeking. You shipping her back to mom, is not going to change her behavior for any of you. Include her in everything. Be consistent with your spouse’s responses and disciplines. When she ask for something, tell her you, her, and her dad will discuss it openly. Set a time and boundary for the phone. Don’t block important calls from mom or family. But, kindly let her friends know that this is a phone restricted time and that she will call them during the appropriate time. Try not to take it personally. It’s very hard. Sometimes you have to give more responsibility to dad for a spell. You will get through this. Family counseling is also a great option. Let her know it’s ok to ask for help and work together as a family.
Look up discipline and logic on the internet
If your teenage kids don’t call you a bitch behind your back you’re probably doing something wrong. If she wants to act like an adult, treat her like one and she can start paying her way.
Ok, one…I completely understand why you’re pulling away, but you can’t. She needs you!
Two- your husband has got to stop threatening sending her back to her mom! That’s the worst thing he can do! She needs stability!
Three- raising teens is soooo hard! I think you all need to go to counseling!
Good luck amd hang in there! Don’t give up on her!
I’ve actually been in this position. Not as a step mom, but my daughter. There was a time when she rebelled against me, her dad, her step mom and step dad. Her father and I tried our best but it didn’t work.
I suggest counseling for her and a trip to the family doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. Turns out (after a lot of back and forth to various council) that she suffers from mental health disorders (ODD, BPD, ADHD etc). There are medications that help. Not what any parent wants to hear but I swear they’ve made a difference. I just want her to be happy and content and if the medications help than I’m ok with it.
Seek help but more importantly don’t give up. My relationship with my daughter is so much better now and she is grateful that I didn’t just quit on her. Nobody said it would be easy.
- She is acting out because she is asking for help the only way her adolescent mind can.
“Get her help” - Stop calling her your step daughter .
Be all in or all out as her parent.
She is testing you by pushing you away , “get her help. “ - Think back to your own childhood at that age . How often did you get mad at your mom(you are her mom) Now add all the stress the last few years have wrecked on everyone, but especially children and teens.
“Get her help” - Raising children is never for the faint of heart , raising teens is a different world.
“Get everyone help” - This behavior is typical but can still be disruptive .
“Seek help” - Help is not a bad thing , it can be life changing.
“Seek help”
Now take a deep breath , one day the light will shine at the end of the tunnel and you will be glad you stood by your child, even when you felt betrayed, hurt and wronged . It’s all part of being a parent .
Stop telling her you all are gonna send her back. She is a child and you can’t just throw in the towel. That’s ridiculous. Also your mother needs to stay out of it. You will be fine. It’s parenting 
You need to get her in to see a therapist.
She has a lot of not dealt with emotional trauma that needs to be addressed.
She needs to be evaluated for things like RAD, PTSD, depression, anxiety and I would even throw ODD in there for good measure as split homes, abuse and neglect are ALL things that can cause trauma based mental illnesses and most if not all of those ARE trauma based mental illnesses.
I would not ship her out.
It may be teen rebellion.
It might be traumas that need to be addressed.
It might be attention seeking.
It might be a whole host of things.
But the last thing SHE needs is to be shipped back and forth, back and forth, back and forth like a freaking yo-yo just because she is struggling and no one wants to stick it out for the long haul with her.
The DAY you make a commitment to a single parent is the DAY YOU make a commitment to their child too.
To love them unconditionally.
To be there for them.
To be a safe space for them.
To love them like they are your own.
She needs a mother.
You know that.
Her bio mom decided that her love for her daughter did not outweigh her irritation with her behavior.
Are you gonna say the same thing to her?
Or are you gonna get her the professional help that SHE needs and be there for her the way you would be with your OWN biological child?
Sounds like a normal teen, only now two households that pawn her of when she’s acting out. Poor kid.
I’m not getting a parenting problem, seems you’ve got a dog that chews through its leash (life 360) every once in a while to run at large and hook up, your big problem isnt how to get her to comply its how to educate her about whats coming from her choices
How old is she? Is she in therapy? If not it would probably be good for her to be. Teens are going through so much. And most they dont even understand themselves. You cant pull away from her.
I saw it out as this analogy and it all made sense. When you get on a roller coaster, the person secures the bar on your lap. You still pull on it. You pull on that lap bar as hard as you can because you want to know that you’re safe and secure. Teenagers push us to make sure they are safe and secure. They’re needing to know we aren’t going to let go and let them fall. Don’t give up on her, reassure her that you will always be on her side
She needs love … unconditional love, and she need to understand consequences for her actions aswell. Sending her to the other parent all the time is essentially telling her she isn’t wanted anywhere and probably why she is doing all this stuff to find where she fits in with the world and find people who want to be with her
Sounds like plain old teenage behavior. We all thought our mom was a bitch back then. When your biological daughter starts to do the same where will you threaten to send her?? Teenagers are rough but they grow through it. Feeling disposable isn’t going to help her make better choices.
Teen-agers. . These are teenage issues . Stop making everything about you …
Kids need unconditional love.
especially when they don’t deserve it!!!
Stop reminding her that she isn’t your kid. She already knows… Try seeing things from her perspective
You might learn to show some empathy
Not everything is about how you are as a person
She is trying to figure out who she is, be accepted… seems like threatening to send her away just makes her feel like noone cares for her so why should she care about herself???
My parents also had life360 on my phone & I snuck out/did all the illegal activities. One thing I will say is build back the trust.
Tell her you will stop going through her phone but you will leave life360 (compromise). Explain it is for her safety as you love & care about her but you are willing to give her a longer leash.
Tell her she is welcome to do xyz things but that you would like to drive here there or whatever, again for safety & it’s a compromise.
She wants to be an adult so let her feel like she has some say over her life. There’s nothing you can do about work but try talking to the school about the issues & asking that they contact you if she doesn’t show up/leaves.
Threatening her & her being pushed between family members is def making her feel like she’s not a good kid so therefore she doesn’t have to try to be. Just talk to her about your feelings & ask her to do the same. Explain you’re willing to give freedoms but you both have to compromise.
Just part of kids playing one parent against the other to get what they want. They want their freedom, but in todays world they really aren’t mature enough to know what’s right and well parents they’re wrong most of the time.
Ironic that this was the next post on my feed after this post.
As a stepmom as well I completely understand. When my son lived with us it was great for awhile then we started having problems too but definitely not to the extent of what you’re obviously going through.
My best suggestion, don’t ship her back to her mom. Chances are it could get worse then it already is now, which you definitely don’t want. I highly recommend family counseling for so of you including the other child. I would also do a 1 on 1 thing with her for counseling and see if there are some other issues she’s having with you and the way you can work on it together without an outside person. She also definitely needs a 1 on 1 counseling for her, they’re definitely some things going on with her that need serious intervention.
I’m not sure what life 360 is but I suggest you kero doing what you’re doing with the phone. Take every app away, that means TikTok too, no FB no Instagram, nothing. Only allow her to text you guys and other immediate family. If she starts to show some changes then you can add a friend to text but nothing more. Once in counseling I suggest talking with the counselor about what more steps to take in that regards.
Hide car keys if she’s driving illegally and without you knowing about it. Don’t worry about what her and the siblings say about you behind your back. I’m not justifying it but unfortunately there’s not much you can do to stop that. She is very obviously seeking some kind of attention.
What really worries me is what she’s doing with boys, I don’t know her age but the last thing you’ll need is a teenager knocked up because she wasn’t taking precautions. You also need to probably get her checked for STDs just to ease the mind of you and the father.
Where I live though at 13 the parents have no say it medical needs including mental health. If that is the case then you’ll want to find a way around that and explain the reasons for why you guys need to have a say. She’s obviously not mentally stable enough to handle that kind of care on her own.
She seems ungrateful for everything you’d done for her. Send her back to her mom.
Being strict will only make her become sneakier. Stop trying to control her every move because you obviously can’t, instead teach her how to be safe about her decisions. As for the location thing I get it but you should only be checking her location for safety concerns, not for power (which is what this seems to be), she needs to be talked to in an open and non judgemental way, let her know that you just want to know where she is at in case anything should happen for her safety. I don’t get this, I understand that you may not want her to have sex but she is a teenager so she will find a way if she really wants to, talk to her about being safe and getting tested and warning signs of std’s. You’re giving her the wrong attention, you need to quit ridiculing her for being a human, that’s why she’s doing things out of spite. You’re making her feel like she’s a bad person for experiencing normal human desires, which is why she doesn’t want to talk to you. she needs love and understanding, not the crap you’re giving her
Being a step-parent is a thankless job. It sounds like the two of you are trying to work together on raising this girl, but she’s a handful… and she’s doing her level best to cause friction between you and your husband if she can. She figures if she gets him alone she can railroad him into doing what she wants by wearing him down. He’ll do it just so she’ll hush. I know he’s tired, but he’s going to have to buck up and tell her no. He’s going to have to back you up also. You’re going to have to get him at a time when he isn’t tired or upset and explain to him that she’s trying to play the two of you against each other to do what she wants. And make a deal with each other to not fight in front of her. If you do, she’s gotten what she wants. She’s a kid. Put her in her place. Enough is enough. Once she realizes you’re both on the same page, you can start trying to do things with her, both girls, fun things. Letting her know it isn’t all about discipline. There can be girls’ night out. Three way hair appointments. That sort of thing. Let her know that you’re a family. Try to build a bond. Try to talk to each other. Maybe you can explain why it‘s not safe to communicate with strange guys. Why you shouldn’t offer yourself to just anybody. Maybe you can make her understand why she has the app on her phone and why you watch so close. She may not get it. She may not want to get it. But at least you will have tried. And your daughter will have had “the talk”. Professional help is probably called for here. A church youth group would set her up with kids with a healthy mindset. It’s worth a try.
How old is she? You can also setup a child account through Google and it offers you tracking as well. They can’t mess with turning that one off and don’t even know you have access to there location. Sounds like she needs some serious counseling though before she goes off the deep end …
You are not wrong for wanting to pull away it is hard as a step parent to go through that. How old is she, has counseling been tried? If counseling has already been tried it and she is old enough to know what she is doing then you have every right to pull away you can only do so much until it gets to the point where it’s mentally hurting you.
The more you “monitor/ control “ the more shit she gonna get up to
Maybe it’s time for her to learn tough consequences & kids can be horrors
You sound resentful towards her
Maybe remove yourself or send back to her mums
Just wait til your kid starts doing all that
You gonna be this resentful?
She is your daughter so no you don’t pull away or push her away or distance yourself whatsoever!!! She is a teenager…….I can’t even believe that would be a thought.
When kids act out (especially teenagers) that’s the exact time they need the most love. Here is your sign. Good luck!
You’re being overbearing period
Step mom to step mom, love her! She’s trying to play parent against parent been there. She misses her mom even though there has been issues just let her know you are there no matter what. & you aren’t going anywhere. She will come around
Send her back to her mom
Unfortunately I feel this is a lot of typical teenage rebellious behavior and I wouldn’t back away from her. Instead I think you and your husband need to have a heart to heart on how to properly parent her and that you should be a team as far as saying yes and no. Like if she asks you say, let me talk to your father and if she asks him have him say ok let me consult your step mom and you both come to mutual agreements and therefore there is no she said no and he said yes. These issues can happen even with biological children so you might as well come to a compromise now. Raising teenagers is a challenge. Keep steadfast, keep communication open between all parties and I hope you will all come to a. Resolve.
I didn’t read it all, it’s too long and almost from the beginning it is obvious that she needs counciling… Have her see a councillor trained in teenage mental health issues, and stop taking her behaviour personally… Something isn’t right, she needs help.
You need to stop using her mom as a weapon. All of you need to sit down and figure in which direction you should go. Most of what you are saying is a teenager rebelling. Yes she is a little extreme, but that happens with children of divorce. If counseling is advised, her mom should also be included.
I feel you mama have been with my partner 10years and we still have the odd issue with our now miss 15year old.
I had to pull away as it was getting to the point where I was just angry with her all the time over literally nothing - it felt like Dad was always contradicting me so I told him that he had to deal with everything from now on… we’ll that didn’t work out for them and made our girl realise a lot of things, like I’m not the bad guy here even if I do have rules that are different too dads. Hubby also realised that it wasn’t as easy too just “get over it” when it’s a constant battle lol
My question is if this was your biological child
Would you give up one them? Not the my
Kids would never do this. They were never her or in her shoes… but would you? I don’t think so. Just keep loving her and tell your mom to butt out.
Maybe you should see a family counselor?
Would you pull away if she was your bio child?
She deserves the same effort & love
Show her real life examples of what happens to girls who end up in the wrong place at the right time. Tracy Pickett, Brittany Drexel, Natalee Holloway, Heather Elvis, so many more that I can’t think of off the top of my head 
He shouldn’t have to choose between you and his children
I didn’t not get to read your life story but be sure and know just about as many of your connections to make the best choice for yourself and your family.
She’s a teenager who by the sounds of it has been acting out with her mom and moved to dad when she fell out with her mom. I don’t know how old she is but she’s still considered a minor. Unfortunately she is taking adult privileges and expecting her dad to pay for them. A councilor might help, if she is willing; adult privilege is very addictive, so much that many kids refuse to let it go until they have to pay for their own problems that their actions have made. Even then some people never learn. I wish I could be more encouraging, but until she desires to change, there’s not much you can do. Unfortunately, if you and her dad start bailing her out of her messes she will probably believe you owe it to her. If she’s old enough to work then she needs a job during the summer, make it clear she has to help pay for her clothes and extras she wants. No job, then you buy her basic clothes you pick out. No good grades, no extra privileges. You have another child, and you really don’t want this one setting an example. Best wishes however you chose to proceed. Don’t be to hard on yourself, most of the her personality and choices were made before you got her. Also you’re trying too hard to be a good mother figure to her, all she sees is some one she can con and use. If she stays with you, both you and her dad are going to have to become authority figures and work together.
Send her back for the holiday. And then bring her back, sometimes she just needs to see that the other side isn’t greener. Secondly if she was your bio child u have no one to send her to but to just keep trying. Third u and your husband need to sit down and discuss very well how u want to parent her
Kids come between parents, step or not. She has every right to go to her father without u and ur kids have every right to come to u without their father. U can’t not control their relationship. That is on him and how me chooses to respond. If she isn’t being malicious, then it’s pretty typical kid behavior. U punishing her will strain ur relationship and cause a wedge.
You need to spend more one and one time with her she needs that step daughter and step mom time and feel that she is part of the family, also maybe a break at her mums would be good gor the family just a week or so when she is off school but spend that time with her.
Her father needs to be far more active in her life. He should be the one monitoring her messages and such. He should also be attending counseling with her. Your step-daughter needs therapy desperately, including evaluation for ODD and Borderline Personality Disorder. But she might also be acting out because of the divorce.
She needs adults in her life, but if the divorce was traumatic for her, she’ll push them away. She needs to find ways to express her emotions constructively, rather than engaging in harmful behavior. It sounds like she is angry and hurting and desperately wants someone to listen. Don’t pull away; get help. She needs her father and a therapist. And she needs all parents to be on the same page on how to help her. Family therapy can be done remotely, so the 3 hr distance isn’t an obstacle.
I’m sorry ur going through this. I’m also a step parent and understand exactly how u feel… prayers for you. It’s so hard at times
I jus say “ask your dad” cause no one listens to me