Am I wrong to feel this way?

Some of my husband's family was cut out out of our life for drama after loss of our son. It took several years for me to forgive and finally for my daughter to be born to bring us all back together. Now said family has asked my husband to keep secrets from me which affects the entire family. I feel hurt, disrespected, and betrayed. My husband thinks it's ridiculous that I feel this way but after trust was fixed and a relationship just mended they do that? Am I wrong to feel this way?
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Secrets about what? I feel like that’s disrespectful in general let alone while mending relationships from past issues. There’s no reason for him to lie to you or even have the nerve to ask him to keep it from you.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong to feel this way?

“trust” and “secrets” do not go in the same sentence.

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There is no such thing as secrets in a marriage and your husband should understand that.
You have every right to be upset

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Your husband should definitely be in your side and understand how you feel about said secrets! However I also thing it may depend on the “secrets”. Is it something they are hiding to keep your feelings safe? Is it something they are talking shit about? Is it about your kids? Either way your husband should not keep anything from you! I just think the reaction depends on the secrets

Your feelings are valid. Do not let anyone tell you different. There should be no secrets from one another in a family, especially after having to mend the family back together. How would he feel if it were the other way around?? Just know it’s okay to feel the way you do and I personally would be very vocal about it. Someone has to call bullshit or people think this behavior is okay. Hugs

I was taught secrets are lies. That’s why they hide them. Truth hurts.

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Husbands and wives should have NO SECRETS! Family members should never be the ones to encourage it !!! You have every right to be pissed !

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You can feel however you want about whatever you want.

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I think you need to cut them out again.they sound real shady that they would want you to keep secrets from your husband. Sometimes having a very small circle is so much better,speaking from my own experience.

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I’d be pissed if my fiance was keeping secrets from me because his family told him to. One of my friends told him not to tell me something and he said it depends on what you’re about to tell me and he told me anyway

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if folks are walking on egg shells around you, you might be the toxic one

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If someone tells my husband not to say anything about to me the first thing he does is say something to me.
Or if they start out saying “ you can’t tell your wife “ he responds with well then you can’t tell me.

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Your husband is directly keeping secrets from you? Did i read that right! Girl. No.

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I was taught in kindergarten
Secrets don’t make friends
Sounds like they need to be removed from the family again

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Seriously, no marriage should have secrets. Girl, you are not wrong to be upset. Now you have to decide if this is a future you want with secrets and dishonestly

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Secrets about what? Their side of the family? I wonder what the secret is. But really there shouldn’t be any secrets between the two of you :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Read the comments Hector Delos Reyes

Those that cannot control you, will leave you out and control how those around see you! I’ve recently lost touch with my MIL bec she tried to create these devides

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I agree, no secrets, red flag it’s harmful not trusting someone. You have every right to feel how you feel. That’s your gut telling you something isn’t right.

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Totally depends on the secrets…are they being messy… or do you react badly when people are honest.

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Hubby n I tell each other EVERYTHING, no secrets in a marriage. I had 2 lie once, because his sister was coming 2 visit n wanted 2suprises him. GAWD DID I FEEL GUILTY, even though it was a good secret. Still felt horrible bout it!!

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Your husband shouldn’t be okay with keeping secrets from you if it affects you or your family. But you should ask yourself, why do they feel they have to keep this secret from me? And if they will keep this secret from me, what else would they keep from me? On the other hand, If it’s a secret about their family and not affecting you then that’s different, you should stop being nosey and mind your business.

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He should not be keeping secrets from you in the first place, even if it’s cos his family, your his wife making you family and his family your family, you should be included.

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There should be NO secrets your husband is aware of, that you are NOT aware of. Anybody telling my husband to keep secrets from me … clearly doesn’t respect me or my marriage and would be distanced, simple. Your husband is the one wrong in this situation for even allowing this type of nonsense to be considered tolerable. Gooooodluck

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You’re absolutely entitled to feel however you feel. Secrets don’t belong in a marriage…end of

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You’re totally right.

Ummm…that’s a big nope. Secrets are harmful to a marriage. My inlaws no better than to try.

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I just started talking to my dad after 6 years of not speaking. And due to the way I was treated before the falling out. I would never trust him or other family if they were doing anything behind my back whether my husband is involved or not. He seems to have told you so he isn’t keeping secrets. He doesn’t seem to be the problem. When adults can’t be adults it’s stupid. Talk to you like you exists or walk away like they don’t.

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You are not wrong to feel that way. You have a right.

They’re putting a wedge in between the two of you with secrets and he’s letting them. Did you guys attend any therapy while they were cut off to deal with the issues they put you through? Did he examine his childhood and now adult relationships with them? Did they attend therapy and were truly remorseful for their behavior? If that’s no then it’s time to put distance until he’s able to protect his nuclear family.

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Did he tell you the secrets? Yes then ok, no problem
No, he is the problem
Just because they ask doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen …ppl don’t want their business out there for everyone, but they are messy so keep your distance and your peace

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If your husband is keeping them kinda secrets from u,imagine what other secrets he’s keeping.

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Unless it has to do with surprise present or party or if their own personal issue, someone asking me to keep secrets from my husband would be cut off. No one is coming between us two ever. The fact they asking him to keep something secret from you already shows they know it’s wrong and hurtful. Your husband should not support that kind of behavior and should be telling them you a team and what one hears so does the other.

If you ever disconnect from someone don’t you ever reconnect with them no matter what coz toxic people will never change.

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Why would your husband keep these secrets from you? He needs to tell them no.

They should never encourage a husband to keep secrets from his wife, seems like they’re trying to make trouble

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Nope. No secrets allowed between husband and wife because then comes the question of what OTHER secrets is he hiding? Tell him they are going to force you two apart with secrets. As his wife he should not keep secrets from you. Tell him there needs to be changes. If he doesn’t change then I’d let him know that I’d be leaving. If there is secrets trust is broken then where is the foundation? Nope.

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Depends what the secret is though, if it’s a surprise for you ect ect

You are allowed to feel hurt and are allowed to react to being hurt. You’re husband should support you. You are a team at the end of the day. And it’s normal to vent and rant to your parents about you SO, but to keep secrets that impact the family thats not right. How would he feel if it was in reverse

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What kind of secrets?

You are married to your husband not his family, he is an adult and can choose to say no I won’t keep secrets from my wife ! You both have a decision to make either you learn to tolerate these secrets or walk away from the drama. Your husband has to either learn to say no to his family or risk losing you. This is both your marriage not his family’s.:hugs:

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If you removed them once I wouldn’t have let them back in. If your husband is keeping secrets from you and he feels you’re wrong then his family isn’t the problem. It’s him.

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Family needs to stay out of y’all’s marriage. Period.

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They shouldn’t be asking him to keep things from you but HE shouldn’t be agreeing to it or making them feel comfortable enough you even ask it

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There’s no secrets in marriage. Your husband needs to be completely honest and should be supporting you. This marriage is yours, not your family members. Hang in there.

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You aren’t wrong. He is. There should be no secrets in a marriage

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Nope. I’d cut them off again :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Your husband should never be asked to keep something from you. Family or not

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Nah and Ur husband shouldn’t be keeping that from u

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Sorry but the problem is not the family its ur husband!!

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The only secrets that should ve kept are only good ones that are meant to surprise you and not hurt you.

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You’re not wrong at all! Your husband is your partner for life he should never want to keep secrets from you and the fact that his family wants him too is a big red flag. I would keep your relationship with them to a bare minimum if anything.

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I’d be more concerned with my husband going along with it and keeping secrets from me. Secrets ruin marriages.

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His loyalty should be to his wife first.

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The first thing I’d do if I found out my S/O was keeping any secrets from me is go get tested for std’s then explain zero tolerance

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You aren’t wrong
He should consider your feelings valid

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Depends on the secrets , is it about you? Or is it family stuff ?? This post needs more info

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The problem is your husband. You don’t keep secrets from your partner.

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Really depends on what the secrets are
I’m married and while I do love my husband my loyalty will always be to my children first and then a tie between my husband and siblings

Nope… snip snip mf :scissors:

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No you are hurt and he needs to respect you, and his Family come second.you are 1st always. Read the Bible.

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First off the highest times of anxiety arewedding funerals and births so sorry for your loss now put a family who has no boundary s and crosses lines they should not trouble put up boundary’s say it’s none of any one concern we are on it I notice fighting a lot and hurt how’s that bringing us together say honey I kwowest your family has no boundaries they say what ever they please not taking in consideration who they hurt and trouble they cause don’t you do they don’t tell them our bisness havre boundarys it’s not your fault you grew up in this situation

Seems like your husband wants to start something as why did he even tell you about this……why even bring it up if he wasn’t gonna tell.
Yep husband is the problem. He should have spoke up and said “if you don’t want my wife to know don’t tell me either”.

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It’s natural to feel that way but honestly without knowing exactly what your husband said to you it’s hard to judge… If someone asks you to keep something in confidence you don’t always automatically have to tell your partner… Could you be over thinking things because of past experiences? If he didn’t tell you the secret how do you know for sure that it is that dramatic? Maybe out of respect he told you as much as he felt that he could but he also doesn’t want to betray someone’s confidence.

The problem is with your husband. You never keep secrets from your spouse. No matter how big or small.

If someone tells my husband, not to tell me, he makes a point to tell me!
A husband should never keep secrets from him wife, nor should a wife keep any secrets from her husband.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong to feel this way?

You’re still married and want child and spousal support?

Why is he paying spousal support if he’s remarried with kids fuck that

Can he in reality ??? Does he have lot of money? If not don’t sweat him … he has to do what he has to do unfortunately:( and If u love him you’ll stick by . Maybe he can get another job … or u can . I had to get job so I can have extras tbh… but if I choose to stay home I can too but I can’t have my nails done and extra stuff

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Money and attention are two different things and you sound a little jealous to me

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Why is he paying spousal support willingly lol how long have they been divorced

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He shouldn’t be giving his ex spousal support if he doesn’t have to. She’s his ex, you’re his wife. He should take care of all of his kids and you. I understand your frustration.

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The money he gives the kids he has with his ex and his ex are to help support a household he is no longer a part of nor is contributing time or money daily to, you and your kids live together with him so when he pays bills and spends time you are getting contributing from those things to your household and kids.

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Well did u kno he paid child support an spousal support beforehand an now y’all are married lol girllllll don’t be living in denial an also make sure u can support y’all 3

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first off, you knew he had a dependent to make child support payments for, before you got together. I wouldn’t want a man around that didn’t take care of his first obligation—his child. I’d have issue with paying voluntary support to the ex wife though, but these things should have been discussed before marriage and bearing more children.

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My dude!!! Money is not the same as attention​:roll_eyes::woman_facepalming: did you not know he had kids when you got married? This is weird :roll_eyes::joy:

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Well, child support is not negotiable. Spousal support, umm Unless it’s ordered by the court, which sounds like that should be over, negative.

Are you supporting him because he is supporting his ex?

I guess we need a bit more information before we can respond.

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He’s just going to need to do the obvious and stay with his bills, accept what he has and give you the attention that you require of him.

What are you asking for and why you askin’?

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I kind of get it. I think he pays her spousal support by choice so he has no worries as far as for the lifestyle of this other child because if his ex wife is struggling then that trickles down to his first child, some men are like that. But he’s married to you so I don’t see how he wouldn’t be supporting you and your kids. Sounds a bit like jealousy maybe

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I understand your frustration… been in the same boat. Our household was on a really tight budget because of the child support. But in time we both came afloat financially and now our kids and household are striving. Hang in there! You are allowed to feel the feels of what you are dealing with.

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I’m all for great coparenting and advocate for the parents to get along. But even I think spousal support is unnecessary. If it’s his first kid and his oldest with you and 4… that kid is old enough to be in school and the mom can get a part-time job or even a full-time job. If she needs extra money she can pick up a shift or a hobby job for the weekend when he has their child. He’s not obligated to support her still.

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That family unit existed before you hunni!!!

Pretty sure him supporting you and his children is plenty enough.

You sound greedy and I straight up kinda wanna backhand you, just saying

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Attention and $ are 2 different things. I guarantee he isn’t paying alimony volunteerly. Its in their divorce decree so he pays it. He is suppose to take care of his child. Do you work? Do you help pay any bills in your house? If he’s paying ALL the bills plus CS and Alimony no wonder he’s gripping.

My man pays 600 a month in cs for his kid. And pays almost 300 for my child support. And still takes care of me and our kids and even my kid who isnt his and who he dont even see for now. Somethings wrong with ya man hunny. Oh and even when he was workin two jobs he still found time for us. Hes not anymore workin 2 jobs. But a man aint gunna give you attention or your kids attention unless he wants. Leave if he cant change.

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He’s giving your kids the time and actual presence of a father figure and helping you raise his kids. He’s paying his ex wife to take on the role of 2 parents and do what he can’t do daily with them. Sometimes you have to take into account what is more important, him being physically there and helping or him helping financially? It should be discussed before getting married.

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Support has nothing to do with attention, it’s usually court ordered for one but you can pay support and never pay attention. Two totally separate things.

There shouldn’t even be spousal support ,

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Why on earth would he pay you child support and spousal support if you are currently together? That’s just dumb…

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Voluntarily pays spousal support? Spousal support and child support are orders. He could goto jail, lose his license, leins put against his properties.

You knew before you married and had children that he had obligations as a father.

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If they got a divorce then the court likely ordered him to do so most courts will do that if they find fault in marriage If he’s paying spousal support he likely cheated on her

… but you’re together? What the hell do you and the kids need extra money for? He lives with you, he spends time with y’all, he eats with y’all, he sleeps with y’all, he showers in the same house with y’all, he uses the same bills as y’all, he pays for the same shit for the kids. What the hell else money do you need for him to support you? Unless you guys are doing a weird roommate situation or he does absolutely nothing. In which case why are you even still married? Imo this entire situation is weird af.

Sorry, but you sound jealous of his other children.

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Money doesn’t equal attention. I don’t get it. Is he paying alimony so his child can maintain the lifestyle that they’ve been used to?
You sound a tad jealous he’s helping her.

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If you’re together, why would you want it? He has to pay support for his kids. Why he pays spousal support, that’s weird, I don’t know. But you sound a but jealous. You’re married to him. Stop it

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He supports your kids as they live with him. He pays child support as his portion to help with a child he doesn’t have full time.

If you want child support for your kids then support them 100% on your own and he can pay you a portion of the cost

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Why are you asking? Just get whatever you and your children need. I don’t know how some of y’all are married having to ask permission to buy groceries, clothes, shoes, a bottle of nail polish or pay a bill. That isn’t a marriage that’s prison. I didn’t need to ask that much permission when I was a kid growing up with super strict religious parents. :confused: I understand he has to take care of his first obligations and that doesn’t leave a lot left but the rest should be going to his second family’s needs.

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Y’all just skipping over the part where he acts like it’s a big deal to do for HIS other three children but VOLUNTARILY pays his ex spousal support….

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