The amount of negative comments on this blows my mind.
Yes she may have known he had a child and paid support prior to getting married but we don’t know when the spousal support started or why he is voluntarily paying it. I am personally against spousal support period.
I’m sure she is greatful he is taking care of his child but if she asks for money or anything for his other children then he should provide for them also. I think that may be where the frustration is.
This mom may work or maybe they both decided she should be a stay at home mom bc the cost of daycare is insane.
There are so much information that is missing.
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When you are with someone that has other children that they pay for… it is up to you and him to make sure that he can afford to have MORE children. It’s harsh, but true. Those previous kids just don’t go away.
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Nowadays spousal support is for the ex spouse if they are not capable of providing an income to live on without the other spouses money. Like if the ex-wife was a stay at home mom and never worked outside of the home making enough money to survive. The court usually sets an amount and a time length of so many years that the ex-husband has to pay until the ex-wife can start to earn a living that the family can survive on. When the time is over the ex doesn’t have to pay any longer. Cheating on a spouse and getting alimony for it went out of most of the courts years ago because most states in the USA are no-fault divorce states nowadays.
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No be supportive and patient if you love them
You knew prior to marriage he had previous financial obligations to his first family. Voluntary or not he can’t just stop paying because he made a second family. That’s where you come in and pick up the financial slack on his part if he’s struggling to support both families
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Um so your partner doesn’t pay rent/mortgage, food, bills, clothing??? Highly doubt that or you wouldn’t be with him. Child support isn’t for the kids to spend its for the costs of having kids which includes housing, bills, clothes etc that you would be paying if you were with that person, you pay in child support when not together… Your post makes no sense what so ever. Just sound jealous.
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He was providing for his first family before you married him. It’s court ordered so he has no choice but to provide for them.
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What in the dumb shit did I just read?
Lindsey Hofecker and by God she should feel,entitled". She freaking lives with him and 3 of his danm offspring. She is very entitled to not feel like the ex is getting her entitlement. She never asked for spousal support or child support. What she asked for is to get treated with the same kind of life for her and his kid life . You did say spousal support was optional??? Not court ordered. You should receive no less nor your children the same lifestyle his ex receives.
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Some of these comments are comical. Clearly some of you have no reading comprehension skills🤦🏽♀️
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Same amount of attention… Umm, you’re obviously getting mkre, you’re his wife. I presume you live together?
I presume he works, pays the bills, keeps a roof over your head and keeps your bell full…
He’s doing his fair share for you and his kids.
Why aren’t you paying him support if that’s what it’s all about… He has 4 kids to support and you have 3
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Um…giving money to someone isn’t the same as giving them attention. He present for you and your kids, he’s not present for his ex just in a monetary way
Your still with him so I’m sure he pays for your kids already or are you saying you want the same amount he gives ex? Sounds like your jealous
You are entitled to feelings. His reaction to your request may be the deeper issue. Sit down (just you first) and get a clear picture of your family’s finances, the amount he contributes (for just you 5, ignore the amount he gives to his other child). He should be covering at least half your family’s expenses and then you cover the 1/2. Don’t compare your situation to the ex. You already have way more than she does. Don’t let her bring you into negative thoughts. Best wishes!
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Make 
your:clap:t3:own:clap:t3:money:clap:t3: work and make sure you and your babies have what you need, then you won’t have to ask every time you want to buy nail polish or go without. It also benefits the entire household and bonus you’re able to leave him if he doesn’t treat you right.
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What does money for his child and ex and to do with giving people attention?
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Was the matter discussed before marriage or did something recently change? Also if after he does pay what is court ordered maybe he has not much left. To be fair, yes he can give your family time there is nothing wrong with that as they are only that age once.
Child support is mandatory!!! Volunteer spousal support to a ex is a kind suspicious……
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Why do you need spousal support if you’re married?
Money and attention aren’t the same…
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No your not wrong to feel the way you do and is he paying spousal support for you or for the ex
Put a stop to that voluntary spousal support! That’s suspicious if I ever saw it!! Let him know how much it bothers you and if doesn’t care enough to stop, well he can just pay child support on three more kids then! I don’t even mean this to sound dramatic but if the option of working is available to you, take it and start setting up some independence before pushing the issue again, and when you’ve established yourself a little bit, then lay down the ultimatum.
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Does he cover costs like rent (to keep a roof over your heads!), Utilities (to keep you warm and the lights on!!), Food, clothing, fuel, etc? Child support helps to cover all those responsibilities the other child’s mother has to 
you sound pretty jealous to be honest, he must be a good man to willingly support his ex, it was probably an agreement they already had in place and there’s no need to change that because you got your nose out of joint, he had responsibilities to them first and a good man will keep those responsibilities.
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I’m confused. You want him to pay you spousal and child support? That’s what I’m getting from this. If you want that, get divorced. Otherwise shut your pie hole lol.
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No, you aren’t wrong. He should provide for his ex and their child; that’s a given. If he is unable to provide for both families, he shouldn’t have started a second family. The fact you said he acts as if it puts him out when you ask him to do something for you or your three children, that are also his, I might add, is unacceptable. That’s ridiculous. I swear these men think they can do the bare minimum, and it’s acceptable. Let a woman do the bare minimum, and she’s lazy, crazy, etc. No, you have every right to feel the way you do. He needs to step up.
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He’s your husband…… why do you need child support?
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Some women find it hard to accept a, man as to put food on 2 tables… I know many women especially them in the late 20s early 30s secretly won’t consider a man if he’s supporting another family… You obviously knew before you entered the relationship… So unfortunately you only have yourself to blame and have chosen the wrong one… He obviously as morals but morals don’t feed your table… Men think supporting another family makes them more attractive to women but in reality a women subconsciously thinks of her own offspring…
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You’re not wrong. If he’s tight on money, he shouldn’t be paying voluntary spousal support. Child support is mandatory, but not the spousal support. He’s married to you now. Spousal support should’ve stopped when the two of you married.
Has this always been an issue? If not, why is it an issue now?
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Voluntary spousal support doesn’t mean that he can just stop paying it at any time.
A lot of this varies by the state you live in, but spousal support is not necessarily mandatory in every divorce settlement unless there were DV charges, one spouse is a sponsored immigrant, one spouse is either they themselves disabled or the caretaker of a disabled person and unable to earn for themselves because of that status, or both parties voluntarily agree to spousal support. Just because it was voluntary when he agreed to it does not mean that he can just stop paying it at at any time, as other have suggested here.
Just speculating here, but there may have been a tactical reason why he agreed to pay spousal support. He might have agreed to pay his ex wife separate spousal support over a shorter period of time to get away with paying a smaller amount for child support in the long term, since child support lasts until the child turns 18/finishes high school. He may be stuck paying child support for 17 more years, but the spousal support may end within the next five years. His attorney probably advised him to push for this to avoid paying a larger sum in the long term.
You agreed to marry a divorced person knowing a portion of his income would always go to support his other kids.
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What business he has with his ex and their children are none of your business. You obviously knew before hand what his financial state was before you married him. Usually Voluntary Spouse payments are granted when one Spouse has cheated or left the marriage. My 2nd husband was married to his wife for over 20 years. He was in the Military and retired. The 1st wife traveled everywhere with him and she raised the children pretty much by herself because of his Military career. She gets half his retirement and he pays her health insurance. I have no problem with it, she raised the children and put her life on hold for his Military career. He left the marriage, she didn’t want the divorce. If you feel that your not getting enough attention because of money, then make your own money.
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Everyone’s commenting to say if his with you then his probably contributing to the household and the kids whilst living there.
But some situations are different what if she dont work to be home with the kids and he works so she’s struggling whilst his fine? What if his not helping toward bills etc and still not paying her monthly or some weekly or whatever arrangement people have.
Some more to this would’ve been helpful from the poster 
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Nope. Run fast because he’ll never change and you and your kids will always come last.
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Tell him okay maybe I should divorce you then you can really be screwed cause then you would have to pay all of us.
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A lot of you saying “nope run blah blah blah” really don’t understand how this shit works and it shows. Maybe know a little bit about this topic before giving advice. Even though it’s voluntary, doesn’t mean he can just stop. It may have been voluntary at one point but it’s in their divorce decree now & he’ll have to pay even more money out of pocket to get it to stop. He can go to jail for contempt of court if he just stops paying. It’s not that simple.
A few questions!Money and attention are 2 different things!
Are you wanting him for his money? Or upset his spends time with his first kid?
Does he help pay bills at y’all’s home?
Do you work or are you SAHM?
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Why? Are you children lacking something? Or is this some warped version of making it all identical.
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You need to be divorced so you can feel the same way as wife 1 does.
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Greed , it’s so becoming
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I do not think Your over reacting, he’s supposed to of moved on from that relationship, and started new with you, however if the courts were to enforce child support for all 4 children, hers and yours the amount per kid would be less-
As far as spousal support- optional? For how long? In the judicial system spousal support/Alimony usually extends for a certain amount of years, a lump sum or until the receiver is cohabiting with another/ ie married -common law….
Is there an end in sight to the spousal support ? If not perhaps a mature conversation needs to happen in regards to this to express your needs and his?
While child support goes /can go until 18-21 yrs old spousal does not-
As far as attention goes, I’m unsure what you mean? Like he doesn’t come home?
Or spend time with you all ? Or take you on family trips?? Again you clearly need to communicate with him how this is making you feel- less important or less of a priority? (I’m only assuming these feelings- )
Bottom line your feelings are valid but you need to -TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND understand his view and stance as well as sharing your own-
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My opinion he should be just taking care of the child with ex but not the ex wife. His family now should be an priority also js.
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He’s paying spousal support that isn’t ordered to pay?? Umm, hell to the NO! Child support yes, spousal support just because, hell no!!! I’d be pissed!
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It depends on your situation. Does he help pay mortgage/rent? Does he help pay for groceries? Clothing for you all’s children? Any expenses for kids, does he help cover any of them? Pay for utilities? If he does help with all of this I would say he is there helping and supporting you and you all’s children and you don’t really have a leg to stand on. If he isn’t helping with bills, child costs, and such then yes you have absolutely every reason to be upset.
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Divorce his ass and let him pay you too! I would never have a man in my home who wouldn’t take care of me or my kids but is taking care of another household! Kick his ass to the curb!
Him paying bills contributing to the household is yours Child and spousal support!!
No matter how much you gripe and complain he still gonna have to pay !
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I have a family member in this position and I’m with the wife. Why does he pay spousal support optionally?
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Does he help you pay for bills, food, clothing? Are you actually not getting what you need? Or are you just mad that he’s supporting his other children and their mother? Do you work yourself to help get your kids what they need? You clearly knew his situation when you got with him and continued and life had children with him. Why is it an issue now? You sound jealous and greedy. I would never be upset if a man provided for his kids and made sure their mother was okay. She’s not dirt under his shoe. His kids with her will grow up with some serious respect for other people and a great understanding of how to treat people even when they are not together. Because they ARE still family no matter how you feel. I’m sure you’d expect the same from him if you divorced.
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The only way you would be in the wrong is if he is seeing his first child and you are treating that child different but he treats them all the same. You honestly need to elaborate on what he isn’t doing for you and the kids that he is for the past relationship. The spousal support is a bit crazy to me but you should encourage him to have a healthy relationship with his first child and the child’s mom. That is the only way coparenting works. (Unless she is crazy and gets jealous when he’s doing good-my situation not yours) Now if he’s being neglectful to his home and you guys then by all means feel this way. However if the bills are paid and there is food on the plates and he spends time with you all no need to bitch and if you feel he is required or choosing to give out too much money, maybe work if you don’t then that would help supplement the money you guys don’t have.
Don’t get with a man who has children from a prior relationship and an ex wife if you want all his money 
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You didn’t know this previously?
Girl you not wrong at all! They have nothing to do with you and your family! Those are separate matters.
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Yea you are wrong. They call folks like you a wood tick cuz you could suck blood from a tree. Its who you are now, what else do you do?
Those of you blaming the poster saying “don’t get with a man who has kids with someone else if you can’t handle it” have obviously missed the point. He OPTIONALLY pays spousal support, but she’s having issues getting him to do stuff for her or their children. Uh no thank you. Not happening for me. I would never be with a man who didn’t take care of his kid, it’s great that he pays child support. But he should not be supporting his ex wife if he can’t support his new family either.
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You should leave him, he deserves better.
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… so you want him to pay you and the kids an allowance 
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Optionally paying spousal support? Ya. That would be done.
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You didn’t mention ANYTHING about him not pay attention to you and your 3 kids … You just want the same amount of money the ex gets for child/spousal support. That’s NOT attention, that’s money and raising your children to believe money equals attention is going to be detrimental to them later.
He was obviously paying spousal support when you got with him and decided to have three children by him. I don’t see why it’s a big issue now.
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What do you mean if you ask him to do for you and your kids. Does he contribute to your household income? Does he interact with your kids? Or are you just saying he should pay your his wife money? I’m confused here?
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Why is he paying for the ex wife to support herself? Is she handicapped or have something wrong with her that she needs help? Otherwise I totally disagree with this. If it’s optional and she’s an ex and she is capable of working and making her own income, that’s your money not hers!
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So he’s just just gifting the ex money for one reason or another without putting it through you? Yeah, no that’s not cool. They money the 2 of you make should be both your money so why can’t you just go to the store and just use it? If you need something for you or the kids go get it. It’s not just his money. Since he doesn’t think he needs to go through you to give another woman, ex or not, money then why do you need to go through him to get into your shared income? If he doesn’t allow you to do this then it’s financial abuse. So what he just doesn’t give you money, should be both your money. Need more money, find a way to make some. You never told us if he is spending family time with you. That’s more important than the money. Also are you a stay at home mom? That’s an important role so it shouldn’t be looked at like you’re not contributing but if your family needs more money look into babysitting or something to help with your financial needs. Discuss this with your husband. Discuss with him that he shouldn’t be giving her money that he doesn’t have to. Absolutely glad he’s paying his child support for his children though. But if you’re together the money you both have should be both yours and accessible. This can’t be everything to the story. But 1 thing is for sure, that optional spousal support would need to end if you can’t afford it. Also the 2 of you need to discuss your Financials and agree how any extra money is to be spent. Not just spend it on whatever he wants.
You knew he had a previous family when you married him. Get over it.
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I mean he’s going to be paying child support for many years but spousal support is usually temporary, and if he’s just doing it to help her out, maybe ask him to put a timeline in it… maybe like six more months so she can have time to get a job and get the bills in order so her and your step children do not suffer.
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If he’s not providing shelter, food, clothing, attention and love, leave. He needs to be responsible for his first family.
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Lmao what? If yall are together and he’s supporting your family and paying child support what are we complaining about? 
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I’m so confused on this one, what attention are you needing that he’s not giving? And are you not working?
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All these people just gonna skip over the fact that he gives his EX spousal support when it’s not mandatory? If she is able to work then there’s absolutely no reason he should be giving her that
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I hate the constant "am I wrong " when clearly you aren’t
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Damn. That 
waving high and proud. You are his current wife and you have three children with him and it’s a problem for him to support his current family? Yes you are completely valid in your feelings. Not cool at all. It’s OK that he is paying child support for his child of course and if he were made by the courts to pay spousal support then that’s a given also. But when he’s not wanting to support his current wife and children something is definitely not right.
Spousal support isn’t optional 
So is he just giving her an allowance or what?
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Optional spousal support? You sure he isn’t court ordered to be paying alimony to his ex wife 
I don’t see why he’d be paying her otherwise, especially if he pays child support.
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The legal system says 1st child/ex come 1st in support then others. If ex remarries spousal support stops.
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What does he provide for you and your children?? Do you work?? So many questions
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You forgot to mention what he does for you all now… if he is still providing for yall, paying Attention to the kids etc. Sounds like your being money hungry
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So you want money?
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Paying child support he should. If it’s not court ordered alimony then hell no he wouldn’t be paying it for long. Ex wifey would have just enough time to get her a job to support herself. If he is not spending time with you and the kids that has nothing to do with money. That’s just him being a loser. I’m sure he’s paying bills and all so that’s supporting the family but if you don’t have access to the money to buy reasonable things that’s needed then you live in a controlled abusive environment. You do not have to live life like that. Marriage is not a prison of who controls who and what. If he won’t change then why are you wasting your life? I would leave and he would be paying for mine to. Don’t put a dollar amount on your happiness though because living your life your way and giving and receiving love and respect is priceless.
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Here’s the kicker, if he is doing whatever with his ex paying child support and optional spousal support which means it’s only if she needs it which that could’ve been in the court order being asked to we don’t know what her job is because if it’s only optional which means when she’s down a month he was in I have to Pitchin and pay whatever. That being said, if he’s not helping in his current marriage with the children and things that need to get done around the house that is a problem. Because he feels like he’s getting walked on well you’re not getting walked on you chose to get married to another person, you chose to have children with another person you have a but physical and emotional obligation with those spouse and children. If you feel that he’s not doing that talk to him. If he thinks it’s too much, then maybe it’s time you start looking at your way to take a split and get out of there and he’ll be paying child support for four kids and two spousal support. He might wake up to that.
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Child support for his other kid yes, spousal support, no. Tell that bissshhhh to get a job
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He’s only doing what u allow him to do. If he’s just giving the ex money just because then you need to decide if ur gonna put ur foot down an do what u gotta do if he don’t stop.
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Sounds like divorcing him will get you the goods
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I feel like I need way more information before I could attempt advice…
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Are you divorcing? Cause that’s the only reason the you should be asking this.
What bills does he pay? Does he pay the rent/mortgage on the house? Does he pay for groceries? Clothes? School/daycare? What bills do you pay? Do you pay the rent/mortgage on the house? How much on groceries? clothes? School/daycare?
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If my husband was optionally giving another woman money, I sure would want to know what she was doing for him! Child support is one thing but supporting an ex??? I don’t think so!!!
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Run as fast as u can
Heck no - put your foot down- ex wife means ex problem.
Hes their father and your husband, not you oldest child. He should be doing what a father/husband needs to do
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Time to ask him …is the only way to get your attention for this family is to leave you???
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At is becouse of he does not pay he goes to jail her will always be this way
There’s not enough details. Is there a previous court order that he is trying to fulfill? Sounds like he’s trying a be a good provider and juggle all of his responsibilities, If he’s maintaining a home for his current family and juggling to pay support for his previous family. Maybe he’s doing what the court would have him to do. There are many men who would not pay anything. If it’s court ordered, he might can get the payment lowered, since he has three more children to provide for now.
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He is paying child support for his child and spousal support to make sure the child’s quality of life isn’t affected because of the divorce. I would be proud of him. He is taking responsibility and providing for his child.
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It honestly just sounds like he’s a good guy. As the mother of one of his kids, i think it’s mature to want to make sure neither struggle.
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No he needs to man up
Optional spousal support? He must really care for her
This guy sounds like he’s trying to fulfill a court order. That’s not an option. But, he did choose to remarry and have 3 more children. He is also obligated to provide for them. But with the economy being what it is, the second wife should have expected the court obligation for his first child would also have to be figured into their budget and any spousal support he’s agreed to pay. The second wife should have known from the get-go that it may be necessary for her to work to make up some of the short-fall for her own family. It’s part of the hazard of being the second or subsequent spouse. It doesn’t seem fair, I know, but few things in life are these days.
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U r not in the wrong ur his wife now and he should give you guys just as much attention and I’ll be damned if he wouldnt be paying spousal support if y’all were married child support is one thing but he’s paying her spousal support when he doesn’t have too seems like he’s stuck on his first wife to be honest with u
It’s the law. He has to pay 
Obviously, they do not trust you.
I would ask myself “Why”?
“Why do they not trust me with their secrets?”
It is easy to blame others 100% but rarely is anyone totally at fault or totally innocent. Usually there is blame to go around on all those involved.
Everyone can change and improve his or her behavior so that disagreements can be resolved.
I would try to have a conversation with them to work out the issues.