I would do anything for the people in my circle and thought they felt the same. Had a parent pass recently unexpectedly, I call this person to help pick up my child. No answer, called their spouse crying stated family emergency needed help. They were busy. Friend called back but didn’t answer. Texted them late that night telling them thanks for being there when I truly needed them. And sent brief text what happened.Granted first day it happened they didn’t know and that’s not what hurts. Since then they have sent one text daily (no calls)but I haven’t responded. I’m the type of person that drops everything and drives over because I know they need me even though no response and have done so for this person. I thought they were the same. Am I wrong for pulling back from the friendship.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong to walk away from my friendships?
I was told this little bit of advice many years ago and was told that once I accepted it I’d be a much happier person. “You cannot expect others to behave the way you would behave. Once you understand that fact and accept it you will be a much happier person.” You have no idea what was going on in that person’s life that was a private issue they might be having or how they respond to death et cetera. Friendships need to be unconditional in my opinion, or at least within reason. Just because someone does not respond to something the way you would does not make them a bad friend.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You may need to step back from this friendship.
No you are not, some ppl are leaches on our energy, that being said mabey some don’t know how to deal with it, I myself don’t deal with death, my old man passed away last year and I was in another province and I took 60 seconds to collect myself and carried on with my work…
If it’s a good friend, I’d let it go. Not everyone behaves as we would. Sorry for your loss.
Take time to grieve. Now is not the time to dwell on this. It will sort itself out in time. Prayers for u
Honestly, I had people bail on me when my Mom died. I think they were intimidated by how to approach me and my loss
I’ve also had people literally step up and be that solid rock when they weren’t like that before my loss.
It was high school so I had some people stop talking to me completely, then I had a few that would bring me pizza and hold me while I cried myself to sleep…
I would give *some grace to them, maybe they will make things right. If they don’t? Then you can move on.
Nope just did this to someone myself
I’m sorry for your loss. You should take the time you need to grieve. But know you can’t expect others to behave the way you would. Some people don’t have that in them. And friends understand that.
You’re not wrong for anything you’re feeling. You’re feelings are your own and that’s enough to validate them.
Did you consider the friend you called also had things going on and that’s why they weren’t able to help? Without them knowing the type of emergency it was, they couldn’t prioritize their “busy need” with your need. Maybe had they known? Or maybe not.
One thing I learned early on is that when I hold a door open for a stranger, I hold the door open for the stranger. If they don’t say, “thank you” it doesn’t bother me. But I met people who held doors open for others and when they didn’t get a, “thank you” in return, they’d be upset about it.
Them being upset bothered me.
I hold doors open regardless.
They let people make them bitter and let it upset them.
You cannot change other peoples actions towards you. You just do what you do because you’re a good person and expect nothing. It doesn’t seem as if this friend disrespected you. They just didn’t do for you what you do for them. You must decide if you need the “Thank you” in return or if you’ll continue holding doors open anyway.
It’s painful when you realize you’re not as important to them as they are to you. Keep in mind you’re grieving and in pain rn, so the hurt is magnified. Sometimes people truly have no idea what you’re going thru cuz they haven’t experienced it. I was taught to always be the someone I needed when no one was there for me. So sorry for your loss
Others can not be expected to put out what you put in. You will only set yourself up for hurt! I wouldn’t end a friendship over it I would though from then on know where we stand and adjust my expectations for the relationship in all aspects.
You can’t expect someone to do what you would do— especially if you haven’t expressed what you need. People aren’t mind readers and no two people react to the same situation exactly the same. I personally would not want someone to just drop everything and come over if I just lost a loved one— so that would not be my go to response. If my friend wasn’t replying to my texts I would assume they need space. Personally I feel phone calls after ignored texts would be intrusive and just showing up even more so. Before you throw away a valued friendship during a heightened emotional state- perhaps have an actual adult conversation about how you feel and why.
You’re allowed to set expectations in your friendships. People require different things, that’s when you know it’s time to end a friendship. Yes people may be going through something also, but they should be able to do the bare minimum. Whatever that may be to you. Different situation but I had my first baby close to 5 months ago. I had a best friend who hasn’t even asked to meet my child, check up on me even though they knew I had complications. This treatment didn’t meet my expectations of a friend who actually cares about me, so it was time to end the friendship. If you don’t feel valued or supported, you already know the answer.
Absolutely not. Todays world is hard enough. Over the years my big circle has been cut down drastically. I surround myself with people who genuinely care. It’s not about what they give or do it’s how people react In situations. By the sound of it you need a new circle.
The grieving process is hard, but we cannot put our pain on other people. In general we should not expect something or assume something of others because we could be hurt, but that’s really us hurting ourselves. Your friend is reaching out to you but like you said, you haven’t responded. I think you should talk to your friend and explain your feelings calmly and take responsibility for yourself and where you are mentally.
Sometimes a person has something going on that they can’t drop.
No you are not wrong
“Granted, the first day they didn’t know what happened.”
Not everyone handles emergencies well. They just don’t have it in them. Those are the ppl you don’t call. That said, do you know what was going on with them?
Lastly, you said they didn’t know and have since texted… I don’t call ppl when something serious has happened bc I don’t want phone calls when I’m upset. Maybe that’s how they are.
You not answering or at least talking this out makes you not much better than them.
Not everyone will have the same heart as you.
That said - If you feel like this is a deal breaker - You have that right to cut the cord.
No your not wrong. Those people obviously are not your friends.
Don’t ever second guess yourself when it comes to closing the door on people. Do what’s good for your soul and heart otherwise it will eat at you.
There is the possibility there phone or message taker not working…right…
there’s seasons & lifetimes… the seasons show you what you do & dont want for a lifetime… maybe its time to change seasons…
This definitely shows a lot about them. So I don’t blame you for pulling back at all ￼
You can’t expect your adult friends to drop everything and run to you, just because you’d do the same. Life is hectic, everyone has their own schedules, problems, life.
I’ll leave you with this:
Stop expecting YOU from ppl.
I heard that once and it helped me cope with situations all throughout my life.
Ppl will surprise you with their actions (or lack thereof) all the time.
You said yourself the first day they didn’t know. Then you said they have sent you a text everyday since but you don’t text back. Why didn’t you on the first text. Have any other of your circle of friends say anything. Some people don’t know what to say or how to deal with death. The longer theres no communication the harder it gets to talk. Sorry for your lose of your parent and your friendship. You can’t get back your parent but you can get back your friend.
Grief is such a powerful force. All your emotions get ripped through you constantly. Don’t make any decisions about your friendship during this time. Take time to heal. Focus on you and your family, for now. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
Give yourself time to grieve your parent passing. Your friend’s behavior is disappointing. If it was a one time thing then try to get passed it. But if it’s happened more, then step back, take a deep breath and move on. You really don’t need more pain in your life. So sorry for your loss.
Protect your mental health
Nope…cut them loose.
No, your feelings are valid. I’d pull away too. Like you said you sent them a brief message to let them know what’s ￼going on and they still can’t return your call?!? Talk about heartless.
Everyone reacts and loves differently, people may not do what you would do, leN on those that can give you what u need right now.
I think you’re expecting to much. What you may do isn’t what everyone else would t do. People have their own life’s, work and family and they can’t always just drop everything or ignore they’re responsibilities. You can’t expect you out of everyone. Take time to grieve but you really can’t blame them.
You can end a friendship anytime and you dont need to explain your self. But don’t expect you from people.
When we stop placing our situational expectations and reactions on others, conflicts become minimal. They didn’t respond like you would have because they are not you.
In my opinion, right now is a very emotionally charged time for you. If you need them in a certain way tell them what you need. If they cannot accommodate those needs THEN I would evaluate the friendship, but you cannot except the way you act for others to be how they act for others. Everyone responds to things differently, and our needs may be different. Be explicit in what you need from them. “Hey I really need you to come here.” “I need you to call me when you know I’m struggling because it’s hard for me to respond by text”. “I’m having trouble managing my emotions with my kids, I need a break, I need you here around five—can you help me?”
Saddly no it’s time to find someone that is there for you as much as you are there for them
Not everyone is as kind as you just learn the lesson and take heed treat them the same as they treat you x
No some people are users do not return your kidness
Just remember we rarely get back what we put in. It doesn’t mean we should change our giving ways but also be realistic about expectations of others
They didn’t answer the first call. Then you sent kind of a rude text that night. Then they have texted you every day but you don’t respond.
You are kind of sending mixed signals. They might be afraid of causing you more stress during this time. It’s like you have created a little drama withing your tragic days.
I am so very sorry your parent passed away but I think you jumped the gun with your response. They are reaching out still.
Ummmmm I’d be MAD at you for giving me a guilt trip over not being available because of an emergency on your part. Not everyone can drop everything for someone else. YOUR priority should be your family, then friends.
YOU need to apologize for being rude to them and use grief as the reason, because that probably the reason.
Friends like you are exhausting and I refuse to drop my whole world for someone. If I’m busy and cannot answer the phone. Sorry. How was I to know THIS call was an emergency?
She called YOU BACK after learning the issue from her partner and YOU were being petty and didn’t answer out of spite. They still are reaching out and YOU are treating them like crap.
Do you call for no reason, just to chit chat and see how their day is normally? So how would they think anything differently was going on in that moment. Maybe they were sick or doing dishes or taking a dump, busy is busy. Maybe they were emotionally drained from other things and just figured they would call you the next day… but YOU expect someone to just know why you are calling. That’s NOT fair.
They already were treated like CRAP and you are obviously not grieving in a manner they know how to cope with so they are sending texts to see if maybe you want to talk and such. This is some majorly high school teenager behavior talk to your friend IF you are a true friend and can be understanding of each other, things will be fine, but if you keep pushing them away, that’s a side they don’t know how to handle nor navigate because you refuse to speak to someone because they have a damn life and have no clue why this call was so important at the time. Do you each miss calls occasionally?? Then accept it was just one of those times. If the trust you have in her is great enough to ask them to pick up your kid……. You need to apologize for being harsh and aggravated
I think your very emotional right now, which is totally normal but they are obviously trying to reach out to you via text but you aren’t responding. You should text them back and see what they say. I’m sure they want to be there for you but you aren’t giving them a chance….
Never assume that someone else has the same heart as you. Love those around you for love’s sake, not because you expect something in return.
I’m very sorry about your loss. You’re fully entitled to take time to yourself and reassess where you are investing your energy.
your wrong, everyone’s going through their struggles its unfair to pull away because they couldn’t be there for yours.
I’ve been where you are and I made the same mistake, don’t hurt yourself more by taking it out on those people who had no idea… they didn’t know.
They have text you every day since maybe it’s time you took a big breath, regroup and give them a call… or a text, don’t take your hurt out on your friends because of one simple mistake and lose out because in the end it will hurt more
You’re not wrong for pulling back; however, please know that not everyone will operate the EXACT same way you do (and that is okay). Tell them your expectations so they’ll know.
You’re not wrong at all. I found out who my true friends were when my parents died. Found out I didn’t have very many REAL friends to begin with
No That is the problem with these silly phones. TEXT TEXT TEXT So impersonal. If they want to respond they do and if they don’t feel like it they don’t. Sorry for your loss.
Do what you need and find people that match your energy. But never expect others to do for you what you can/will do for them. You will only hurt yourself every single time.
No, not at all.texts are not personal, good friends show up
No , u do whatever u need to do
No codependent behavior
No!!! Rely on God. He’ll open doors to people who will be there for you. Even if it’s just for a little while.
Sad sometimes there is no other choice.
No; I did same. I’m not going to be jerked around at their convenience. I had horrific attack of shingles. Called girl #1 to be taken to ER. She said she had to shower & get her son ready for school & herself ready for work. Called friend #2, he had to shower & shave. Called friend #3, she had to shower. Finally, after 4 hours, I got a ride to ER to be treated & medicated
Maybe your friend had something they couldn’t drop. Perhaps you choose to put yourself at a detriment to help others, but that doesn’t make them bad people for not doing the same. Honestly, hurting yourself to help others is an unhealthy, people pleasing trait. It’s not really a good thing in most cases. Expecting someone to drop their own needs for you is a very entitled mentality. Did you ask your friend how SHE is doing? Maybe she also had a crisis. You aren’t the only person in the world with problems.
Nope not wrong at all
Ppl who think yr wrg are the type of ppl who take advantage of ppl like u… So no u are not wrg.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad passed last yr and I only had 2 friends ( out of many) call to check on me. Only 1 card and a rose bush, in which I’m eternally grateful. My heart was crushed given the circumstances. I’ve always been there for my friends. It’s too bad that they weren’t there for me.
Not at all. Seems like you’re more of the friend in the friendship. You’re a people pleaser. I am too. People like us tend to get used a lot and expect the same in return with people who don’t have the same intent. You’re there for them more than they are for you. You made yourself a convenience for them. You’re there go to because they know you’ll drop everything yet won’t do the same for you in your desperate time of need? Drop them and fast. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life especially when you’re wasting energy on people who don’t look out for you.
It’s rough when you find out some people are only out for themselves.
These are your acquaintances not friends. There is a difference. Real friends would have answered or if anything called back. Real friends have your back even across state lines. You shouldn’t feel bad at all for guarding your pure intentions from users
Some people only want you when they need you. That’s why you need to keep a very small circle of friends limited. You are only there when they need something. Kick them to the curb. Most people are only out for themselves. I’m sorry you had to learn this lesson. All of us learn it at some time in our lives.
You’re expecting someone to behave the way you do, and that’s unreasonable. You’re also being manipulative in not answering in hopes they’ll drive right over worried about you. That’s playing drama games. I’m sorry about your parent, you are being a little shitty to your friend though. You won’t even take their call or return their texts. Grow the fuck up.
Not a single person I know called to check on me when my mom was dying from lung cancer, and not when she passed away in September 2020. But I didn’t expect them to. My ex sister in law let me, my husband and 3 kids over run her house for 2 weeks while we dealt with everything related to the event. She was amazing. As long as you have one person, that’s all that matters. I’m sorry your friend didn’t help. Sometimes we need help. You don’t have to let go of the friendship, but now you know she can’t be relied on to help at a moments notice. And, that’s okay. She doesn’t own you that. And likewise, you don’t owe her that either
I get it. After my son died I heard crickets from the people I have always been there for. None of them had a excuse for the behavior. I would hear them out before you make the decision to end a longtime friendship though. Just be limited on your availability in the future
Fairweather “friends”. Get rid of them.
Maybe they’re going through something tough too?
Ummmmm… You don’t do shit for people because you expect help back… Maybe the person had something they absolutely couldn’t drop
I just want to say from experience that death is weird for everyone. And it’s a different weird for each person. I was very offended people pulled away when my mom died, and I have also “given people space” that appeared to be me pulling away when others lost someone. We’re all a mess. Talk to your friend.
Expectations are the death of relationships sometimes. Sounds like you’re an empath. So you’re destined to feel let down. But you are truly special inside and can see things differently than most people I’m sure. Let them be who they are. Pull back because you don’t want your energy sucked away from you… but they have shown you who they are, so just act accordingly now.
No you can do as you please but know that your friend has a life as well and was probably busy when you called and couldnt just drop it there times when just dropping people is indeed necessary and there are times when you need to realize their world doesnt surround you
Been there, done that. All you can do is stop being available. Stop responding to texts and calls. They’ll get the message. Friends don’t leave friends hanging. If they can’t help, they find someone in their circle who can. But there are too many people who just aren’t there. Walk away.
Going off of what you have said specifically… yes, I believe you are wrong.
People can’t always drop whatever they’re doing. Maybe you are in the fortunate position to do so…but not everyone else is. Or maybe they can…but it comes at a cost. A cost they have to weigh out carefully to decide if it’s too high of a cost.
Was your friend working? Were they in the middle of something important with their own family that they really couldn’t break away from? Did you ask or even consider that? Did they have room in their vehicle to pick your kids up and have Thier own kids in the car safely? If not …did they have someone who could watch their kids? If not…what exactly did you expect them to do with their own kids?
I understand that your mind frame wasn’t clear so maybe you didn’t really think about all of that, and under the circumstances I do understand.
But your friends were thinking clearly…and it’s possible they literally just could not do it.
Now. As far as the texting.
Did they text you all the time prior and stop? Or do you think they should be texting more now?
Just because you would relentlessly text them because that’s what you feel you should do to be a good friend…doesn’t necessarily mean that they have the same views.
Maybe they think giving you space and letting you come to them when you want/need to talk is the way to go.
Personally? That’s how I’d approach it. If my friends struggling I don’t pry. I wait until she’s ready.
Here’s kind of the bottom line on this for me:
“They” say not to make major decisions while grieving. And that’s generally extremely good advice to take.
If your grief is clouding your judgement (and it’s possible and likely) and you prematurely end these friendships…you may not be able to take it back if you change your mind when your mind clears.
If you do so…change your mind…and even if they’re willing to forgive you? The friendship won’t be the same because damage has already been done.
Now you know your boundries…protect it at all costs, even if that means you loose friends.
Honestly, I’m going to say it depends on what she has going as well as a few other factors. Does/did she have a situation going on that she couldn’t drop? Or that was serious for them? Also, is this the type of person who has the ability to be there emotionally for you (ie how is their mental health/state? Can they do this with for you without causing a lot of damage to themselves?) I mean, I have friends that I would drop everything for. However, there are some who just aren’t emotionally or mentally able to be the support I need in those situations. They lack the level of empathy I would need. I mean, your friend is still checking on you, so they care. You may need more than they can provide. That is nothing bad on you or them. We all have our own limits. Our own capabilities.
My advice, calm down. Before you throw away a potentially good friendship, talk to your friend (open, honest communication), evaluate the situation. If you find this friendship is not good for you, do you what you need to do.
I say what I mean and mean what I say, I do not “expect” myself out of anyone else, not even best friends or family. I am who I am. Even if someone doesn’t do for me as I would for them, It doesn’t change who I am, and who I will continue to be.
I had a similar experience. I droped her as a friend completely because i used to help her with everything but was never given the same in return. Its ok to grow apart and lose friends.
Sometimes we are all too quick to jump to conclusions. I know I am. You should Give them another chance,just chalk that up to maybe they were going through their own stuff.but if it is always like that,yeah maybe rethink the friendship.
Why couldn’t you pick up your own child…that’s how you know who your real "friends"are…you are not wrong for removing ANYBODY from your life for whatever reason you feel appropriate…your child also lost a grandparent…better you pick them up and tell them than have some "friend " blurt it out…
Nope your not wrong people are selfish and always want what you give them but never are willing to give to others
I’m sorry for your loss but friends or whatever else, your emergency is not theirs. The way you react isn’t a template for others
I never would have texted “thanks for being there”. If I were them, I’d be a bit stand off-ish at that as well.
Sounds like a conversation needs to be had and maybe you should apologize for that part
Truly sad when some of us do whatever to help others and some ppl can’t help no matter what.I guess if it was me I would have a good decent talk with them about it unless the friendship just isn’t worth it to you.Ive also noticed some ppl can’t handle deaths or sickness mentally ,and they tend to shy away …I’m a very physically ill person and noticed some ppl have pulled away also they prob can’t handle seeing me so sick is how I take it.Good luck in your decision !
Don’t jump when they call.
On the flip side. Some people don’t know what to do. You have to be very open about what you want from them. You want company you say stop texting and come over. If she doesn’t respond to you then it’s time to let go
You’re expecting you’re friend to.be the 24/7 she has supported you. You’ve clearly left alot.out and maybe you’re “friend” is.sick of all the drama that comes with you. She’s ur friend she has her own life she hasn’t ignored you at all grow u
Going through the same thing. Always there for her problems but when am in need of comfort during stress times she make it about herself. I have distance myself even though I miss her dearly
it would hurt yes, but i wouldn’t end a friendship over it. but that’s just me, do things for people without expectations of getting it back in return. be selfless. you can’t feel let down when you’re selfless, because you’re doing it purely because you like to do it and you like to help people.
i have babysat the children in my family a lot over the years. now if i asked one of my family to babysit and they said no for whatever reason, i wouldn’t then be mad and distance myself from them, nor do i say things like “thanks for nothing” or “i do this and that for you” . i love to help them and babysit, i don’t expect it back and i never will.
Just because Your world stopped in that moment, doesn’t mean the world stopped. To expect anyone to be available in a moments notice is unfair, regardless of circumstance. To be mad at them for not being available is perhaps misplacement of your emotional state. Gather yourself and allow yourself to grieve your loss before you toss out friends for being busy. You said yourself they didn’t know what happened and once they did, they tried daily to contact you and you are the one ignoring them. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions but before you write them off at least answer them and talk to them about everything.
I’d drop the friendship because I don’t got time for one sided friendships. Life is to short for inconsiderate jerks.
You aren’t wrong! Don’t jump for them at all anymore! Keep your head up
You should not have expected them to be there. Your response to them was rude so maybe that’s why they already pulled back on the friendship. They were busy. I understand you were having a hard time, but that’s not their fault.
I’m also like u. There not a true friend. Walk away permanently
At times of crisis it really shows who your friends are… Time to move on
Holding a grudge. Yes. Forgive and move on.
No walk away I match energy and dropped three “friends” in a week because they showed they wouldn’t be there for me the same way I was for them but after I pulled away they suddenly forgot about all the 2am phone calls I answered when they was crying and driving to them in the middle of the night so no do not feel bad for walking away