Am I wrong to want more than just a paycheck?

Post this anonymous please. My question is about my husband. We have 5 kids together, and both work full time jobs. I also do all of the cooking, and the cleaning, along with the kids who each have chores. I take care of the animals also. Our 5 kids play multiple sports, school, Rec, and club teams. So naturally they all have multiple practices a week in different towns usually. I handle all of the practices also. I do all of the grocery shopping, and get whatever the kids need. Anything that needs done at the house I do. Or if it’s something I don’t know how to do like flooring or Sheetrock etc, I hire it out and he always says he will finish the minimal things. Like cutting the door to fit the new flooring. Or running the electric etc. and he never does anything. Ever. Other than going to work. As soon as he gets home he is instantly on his phone on Snapchat with his friends or constantly on TikTok. CONSTANTLY. I have been so fed up with it I have told him I don’t know how many times I am going to leave because I never get any help from him at all and it’s like he isn’t even a part of the family other than putting his check in the bank. He always says he will change or do this or that. But he never has. And honestly I don’t even believe that he will. It’s just so hard because I love him. And at least he goes to work every day and keeps a job. But am I wrong for wanting more than just a bi weekly paycheck put in to our account? I feel defeated.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I wrong to want more than just a paycheck? - Mamas Uncut

You do a hell of alot. No you aren’t wrong. You are a single parent lowkey. Might as well have him leave and still get that paycheck for child support :woman_shrugging:t5:

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No, your feelings are valid! I would try and sit down and have a discussion about it. It’s totally unfair to you, you have too much weight on you and it needs to be evened out. I’m not sure what hours he works but ask if you guys can alternate practices? Or you alternate cooking and cleaning? Or assign certain chores. I’ve been down this road before and I just stopped doing his part of the stuff and only worried about my kids (idk if I would recommend that bc you both will get resentful with each other) but he did finally get the picture. Lol. I know it’s frustrating.

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You married the man, not the paycheck. You are absolutely not wrong for wanting more!!

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No you are not wrong

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You say you love him. What exactly do you love about him if he isn’t providing anything to the relationship or family but a paycheck?

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You keep saying you will leave him but you never do so therefore he knows you won’t. Leave and take the kids with you for a couple or few days just to show him you mean what you say or things will never change

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The only thing I’d think you’re doing wrong here is letting him think the bare minimum is acceptable
But since we cant control what others think or do it’s up to you to decide what steps/consequences happen next

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You’re not wrong in the slightest. Men are to do more than just bring in a paycheck. This isn’t the 40s or 50s anymore. You bring in your own paycheck. The brunt of the housework and raising children should not be on just your shoulders. Last time I checked his sperm created your kids. I’d tell him to change real quick because he doesn’t want to be paying Child support for 5 kids. Are you sure that you still love him or is it that you are comfortable. Sounds to me like he doesn’t have many redeeming qualities.

Make him do his fair share… ur not his mother… stop doing his washing and food cooking… if he doesn’t help then kick him out

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Your not wrong at all. He needs to step it up like yesterday. He sounds really immature

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Sit down make a list with him divide the work especially with all the kids sports this day he has this while you do this

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No you’re not wrong… technically you’re already playing the single parent role. And since you’ve already discussed it and I assume that because you stated he’s said multiple times he would change and doesn’t, I would go ahead and leave and claim that check in child support.

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Take his money and hire a cleaner to help yourself out

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You have a 6th child, not a partner. I’ve been there in a marriage before. He never got better and took any initiative. I didn’t want another child, so he had to go!

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He is getting to keep his cake and eat it at the same time because you allow it. He may never change. Did you discuss expectations before you got married and had kids? If he does not change and you divorce him, will things be better or worse?

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Whatever he’s not helping with hire out until he gets off his ass ! Use his money to do so !

You do it all now alone. He needs to step up or get out. What you have is 6 kids… with everyone having responsibilities outside of work except for your husband. There is no I in team but their is in single

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Send him to the store to do the grocery shopping. Assign him days & times for sport practice duties. Send him a list or schedule for the upcoming week. Stop doing it all…demand he do his part.

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Go on a vacation without him. Let him do the house stuff, if he doesn’t change after that leave him.

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Your already being a single mom what’s the motivation to keep him at that point

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Sounds like you married a b#$#%. He’s just extra weight for you, you’re single honey!!!

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I’d give him a reasonable timeline and if he doesn’t straighten up I’d ship him out!! Jmo

Give him a task to finish or do. And nag tf out of him :rofl:

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If you can appoint chores for your kids to do, then do the same for your Husband. He can equally do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping and deal with the kids homework/activities. With 5 Kids Its Definitely time he step up to the plate. Stop doing everything yourself bc eventually you’ll run out of steam which leads to anger and resentment. The point you just reached. It’s unfair that he gets to be lazy and dependant upon you to meet his needs too. He needs to be a Partner in the Relationship and Share the responsibilities on all fronts.

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Nothing more irritating than a grown ass man sitting on tik tok all day. Like get a hobby or some ambition in life

There is a lot resentment when you expect to do it on your own than (even a thought) hoping for help. My anger and resentment went out the door when I walked out of it.

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If you’ve addressed these issues with him before, let alone several times before, and nothing has changed, nothing will change.

In my opinion, if you’re going to do it all on your own, you might as well be on your own!

Just a side note, you should NOT feel defeated! With everything on your plate, 5 kids, all their stuff going on, working full time, running a home and taking care of a man-child… maybe exhausted, but definitely not defeated! You’re a goddamn superhero!

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I agree with the posts telling you leave him and get his check as child support ,the only difference will be that you don’t have to do his wash and feed him ,no difference to what your doing now
And as for loving him ,he obviously doesn’t love you or he would listen to you .DUMP HIM. NOW !!!

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Hire a nanny that cleans cooks and takes the children to thier activities.

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I don’t understand why you keep having children, if your not getting help. Sorry but if it took 5 for you to realize this, you have a problem.

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You’re not wrong .just handling it wrong. Make him a schedule for some of the kids activities and tell him to take them. Don’t give him options. Tell him he either does it or you will stop doing it and then it just won’t get done. And follow through, don’t go shopping, do the dishes, or cook any meals. Prepare food just for you and the kids… If he doesn’t realize and change then it’s time to move on. He isn’t a partner he is another child to care for.

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You’re already doing everything- what are you afraid of with leaving? You’re clearly unequally yoked. Ps Snapchat is for teenagers and cheaters - I said what I said :woman_shrugging:t2: good luck-

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If he says he will change give him assignments … or remove half of your paycheck from contributing to the household since you’re doing everything

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I think you should give him the ultimatum. Either actually start helping or I’m out. Tell him this is your last attempt to ask for what you need. If he fails to even TRY this time, ask him to leave.

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Just chuck him in the bin 🫶🏻

Go live someplace else for a week or more and leave him with the kids. Don’t tell him where you are but let him know you have spotty phone coverage, then only answer one call per day or less, or block his calls. He will get the message.

Play the divorce card

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They are his kids too. The problem is you keep doing everything. Stop doing everything! Make him step up or tell him to step out . He will have to pay for his 5 children. Girl , you are already doing it on your own.

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Oh, and take out ha half the money in your joint account and put it in a separate one under your name only.

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This is most men. They work and come home and go lazy. Reason why i told my husband ill never be anything but a stay at home mom. Im not going to work as well and also have all the work at home plus parenting still tossed all on my plate. Already been down that road before kids. Tried to go to work when our daughter was 6 months old while he was laid off from work and i would work,only to come home to have to clean and cook and him toss our daughter at me as soon as walked through the door and get on his video games.

Lately,we have both been at home and he sees how hectic taking care of kids is,so he doesnt hassle me anymore if the house isn’t perfectly clean or if i let the dishes slide until the next day. He will let me slack and watch tv most of day or play my own video games and not call me lazy or complain at me anymore. Still doesnt help…but i do get breaks now. Mental burnout is real.

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He continues the behavior because you allow it u said u would leave if he didn’t change and didn’t so he know u won’t . Sadly this seems to be the normal anymore . Make a chore list add him to it . Don’t give him any booty til he changes :woman_shrugging:

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Well you threatened to leave multiple times but stayed so that’s on you in the end. You knew how he was and you decided to stay. We can all tell you to leave or do this or do that but at the end of the day it’s on you to decide what to do. You’ve allowed him to be this way and stayed.

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Hell no you ain’t wrong dude sing as long as they throw some money around everything should be peachy and that’s not how it goes

Absolutely not. “At least he holds a job”. Is “he does the bare minimum and my standards are no existent”. You are already a single parent.

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Hire maid service?

It’s highly unlikely he will change. So you just have to decide what your next move is

If he doesn’t care enough to help balance the weight of life after you’ve brought it to his attention that you’re overwhelmed and need help, then he just plain doesn’t care. That’s not a marriage. Especially if his phone takes priority when he is home. Trust me, if he can’t part with it, then there’s something far more interesting holding his attention than just buddies. Either way, it sounds like you’re already a single mom and he’s dead weight in that relationship so you have some decisions to make.

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U deserve as much if not more than u give!!

you are doing just what he wants, you say you will leave, but never do, so he knows you won’t. So instead of saying it, just do it

Emily Rodriguez she said In the post she works full time

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No man a paycheck is not enough. If you are doing it alone anyway he’s just an extra child

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Personally I would say seeeeee yaaaa! You work full time, and do everything else you don’t need him. You deserve a partner that will be there in all ways.

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No your not wrong. The children came in the world by both you and he should give his fair share of his time in taking care of them the up keep of a house yard and repairs are a 2 way street. If a job around the house is done by other than your husband than I would start having the job completed by the same people I would not take your husband’s word on finishing the job. It may coast more but at least the job would be done. Do not make threats that your not going to fallow thru with. Most men are like children when it comes to treating that’s not fallowed thru with. He expects you to be an adult about your home ect. than he should be held by the same standards

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You already have your answer, you’re a single parent to 6 kids, the oldest needs to go.

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It sounds like you’re married to a 12 year old. He watches TikTok’s? Over helping you around the house and helping take care of his kids? Nope, it’s obvious he doesn’t care about what you want and never will, so as much as you love him you have to love yourself even more and do what’s best for you and the kids

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It’s called being a SINGLE PARENT while being married​:joy::joy::joy: might as well just leave and get child support…

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Sad! Only you can decide what you want. Love yourself first. Get out and have some fun! See what happens. Good luck! :v::v::pray::pray:

Match his energy for a week and see how he reacts

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Stop with the “You” statements. Instead of saying “You need to do this” try telling him the truth. “I cannot do all of it alone. I NEED you to help.” Then give him a list of things he can do to help. Instead of sounding like you are dictating, your are including him. I need you to take Billy Jr to soccer practice at 6 PM. We need milk from the store, would you please stop and get some. There’s so much laundry to do, could you help me fold it? And do not make it, I need this, this minute unless you really do. The trash needs to go out, yes, but as long as it is out before the trash truck arrives it is good. So, I need the trash taken out before the truck gets here tomorrow. That gives him time to do it when it suits him rather than on an arbitrary timeline.

I would save money and leave he have to pay child support or make him leave its not right to put everything on you thats not a partner it’s a room mate other than the pay check

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Does he hang out with the kids?! Does he make an effort to make it to their games?! If the answer to those is no, then what the hell is he to your family anyways?! He’s not a husband, or a father. So your next ? Should be if you want to keep living like this or not?! Good luck!! I wouldn’t be sticking around with another “roommate” I don’t do roomates anymore

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Talk to hubby. Explain if you’re going to be doing it on your own you can do it on your own somewhere else. Mean it . If he doesn’t start helping, leave. Follow through. Make a list. This is what he needs to start doing to help. (Example: take kids to practice/activities X times per week) etc.

If you need to cancel kids activities so you can save money and leave, do it. They will survive. You can come back to them later when you get everything else figured out.

Good luck :heart:

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Hey Lady, Ask yourself “what it is I love about him” He goes to work and back and I’ll bet you pay all the bills… Can you say living like a king with no responsibilities…

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Give him a to do list an ultimatum and hire a cleaning service.

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You’ve told him your going to leave and then don’t follow through with it. When you follow through with it that’s when he knows your more than just all talk no action

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It’s better to be a single mom than being a MARRIED single mom. IF HE WANTED TO CHANGE, he would. You’ve made your wants and needs known and he obviously doesn’t care enough to change and make a difference. He doesn’t care, so why should you? You LET HIM keep disrespecting you by staying. You staying shows you’re all talk and no action and so therefore it tells him he doesn’t need to change. Follow through on what you’re saying you’re going to do AND THEN MAYBE he will change.

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Take love out of the equation and look at the situation

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He won’t change because you didn’t set any boundaries and you chose to do everything. You spoiled all of your 6 children. Now it’s to late. He knows you ain’t going anywhere so he got very comfortable. Now it is your time to step up and realize if you want to continue with this stress before it kill you, or just leave it alone. Something got to give.

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I’d rather be a single mom, than a single married mom … . Speaking from experience … im happier as just a single mom …

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Stop moaning…
Most men even when single don’t do anything around the house… He goes to work and probably works hard… Some women are just not happy with cake they want the cheery… Try going alone on one pay cheque because while your moaning at him… Some other women is happy he just goes to work… So Imo
carry on being a, drama queen and when he leaves for a peaceful life you only have yourself to blame :thinking:.

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Stop threatening to leave and do it.
Pack up and go. See what happens.
In order for you to return, he has to go to therapy, with you.
I’d make sure we started going 5 or 6x before I returned.
He doesn’t need too change bc you complain and nothing happens. There’s no consequences. Do you let your kids get away with stuff by not following thru??
Stop making threats if you won’t folow through bc nobody takes you seriously.

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Id be leaving i wouldnt put up with that

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Just stop doing everything and give him options of which chores he wants . It worked for me

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I lived this life and don’t ever want it back. He won’t change if he hasn’t already its just lip service. I am in HAPPY committed relationship where we BOTH do everything for ourselves and the kids. We even have date nights etc. I wouldn’t have gotten all of this had I stayed in my first marriage.

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Couples counseling
Agree on a date when each chore will be finished or hire it out and give him the bill

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It’s not a crime to ask your partner for help. He’s calling your bluff though. Teach him a lesson. Leave even if it’s temporary or go to marriage counseling.

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We had the same issue, make a visual list of things needing to be done around house and let him check off when finished! You will find the easy projects get done first !

Ask him to start being responsible for getting some of the kids to their practices, etc. and get a house cleaner.

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This is how it was for me too. Now 4 kids and 15 years later and not much changed. We aren’t together anymore.

A friend once told me that sometimes you have to leave you show you mean what you say. And leaving doesn’t mean for forever. Pack up the kids and go stay with family or a friend for a few days. Sometimes even just packing stuff makes things click. Good luck.

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First question you should ask yourself is why you love him? , he does absolute shit for you or your family and spends all his free time on his phone and his only contribution is a paycheque. So basically he is a person you are renting a space to, he gives nothing and gets everything in return. You have asked and asked for help and he give nothing, so I think it’s pretty clear what you need to do, ask him to leave, there is nothing resembling a relationship between the two of you.

Tell him you need help. Either he can help you, or he can pay someone to come help you. Before you leave him, make sure that you can be happy without him.

So time to not do his laundry. Feed yourself and the kids only.
Pretend he doesn’t exist. When he starts to feel it he will say something. If he doesn’t say anything u know where he stands.

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You’re burning yourself out. Only YOU can say when enough is enough. Of course you still love him, but are you still IN LOVE with him? Know the difference…the longer it continues, the longer things will remain the same…

Love just isn’t enough. He has to put in the effort to make a marriage work. You have five kids and you can’t possibly do all that on your own. I agree make a list of all the things you are keeping up with and ask him to take part in some of them. Seeing it all on paper may make it more obvious to him that he needs to help. If he still doesn’t help then he doesn’t really respect you. Don’t stay in something like that.

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What grown ass person spends all their time on snapchat or tiktok. Sounds like you got another kid to me :eyes:

Was wondering how old your children are. Would you be able to leave for a while and let him take care of everything? Say a week? Maybe it would show him just how much you really do.

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Seems like leaving is the only thing left. Doing all that yourself is overwhelming and not good for YOUR mental health.

It’s just a fact of life, you have a man with no drive or desire to get much out of life. Lots of men are like this.
They are completely satisfied with a good wife, houseful of kids, & a secure paycheck.

I’ve had one of those men for 21 years. & It’s ok. I love being a mom to the kids & animals, I love to remodel & decorate my house, I enjoy going to all the kids functions, so I do it because that’s “my jam”

My husband doesn’t drink or drug, doesn’t run around, & has never been abusive. He participates in family functions, he sets up pools & trampolines & waterslides for the grandkids, & helps fix the vehicles & does yard work, along with paying the bills faithfully, & that’s ok. That’s “his jam”.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, so if it’s just a bothersome thing, let it be. We all have something that bothers someone. If it’s intolerable, then leave. But weigh your pros & cons heavily.

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You’re not wrong for how you feel. Secondly, every partnership has times when one partner carries more of the load, it’s normal to a degree.
However, if you don’t communicate in a consistent manner and stand by your expectations, wants, needs, he’s not gonna do anything more than what he feels he has to do. If you’ve allowed him to get away with it for yrs, therein lies the problem. He has to put effort into it, but you have to make him understand that you can do it all by yourself as proven over and over…but you want a partner not another responsibility. He either gets his crap together and makes an effort to be a presence in his family’s life…be a spouse and partner or he can GTFO. The choice is placed directly where he will have to take responsibility or let you move on with your life. You have to really want that, and not threaten it.

Personally I’d stop doing things for him, eg his washing, cooking his meals, only buying foods you and the kids eat anything he likes leave it in the shop. See how much he likes it if you refuse to do anything for him. I’d hate this kind of relationship I can understand it if he went to work and you stayed home but you work too so help from him is expected. Good luck x

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He won’t change. If you think he will your sadly mistaken. He’s not meeting you half way which is very unfair to your relationship. Marriage counseling might be a good idea. You have kids involved. It’s not fair to put all the work on you when he doesn’t reciprocate.

You deserve more. Sounds like it is time to go if you ask and he still isn’t in on helping and being a family

if she leaves him she’s still going to end up doing it all herself anyway though. Shell end up with much more on her plate without him because then shell only have 1 income. I think as long as the love is still there they should always try to find a way to fix a marriage. Obviously she needs to do something to wake him up but I don’t think leaving is all that’s left.

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dont think he will change no matter what he says . if you can make it without his pay check leave or make him leave . you are married ALONE

Sorry how old? Tic tok and snapchat…
Seriously.

Men some never grow up.
Sending hugs mumma. Xx

I too raised 5 kids. I worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs to help make ends meet while my then husband worked 1. I drove an old barely running truck that was held together with duck tape and prayers. I worked 18 hour days, 365 days a year the last 10 years we were together. For over 5 years I literally begged for things to change, I was beyond exhausted. He always said “the right words” but never followed through. I told him that if things did not change, he would come home one day and I would no longer be there. And that is exactly what happened. Im much happier now.

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A “break” really helped our past relationship, we both worked and he did minimal, now after a “9 months break” he didn’t change for the better. Most of the time it takes a man to see what they’re really losing out on when his family is gone. That was 7 years ago when I left for a while with our kids.