Does anyone else have a spouse that financially controlling? I work and make decent money. My husband is retired. And he has plenty of money!! We have three grandkids living with us and that has made it even worse. I’m at the end of my rope. A little back story… he’s always been tight with money unless it’s something he wants. I’ve always felt like I was a child having to ask for money. Years ago he decided I needed my own account. Mind you I never spent lavishly or gave him a reason not to trust me. So I set up my own stuff. He seriously gets mad if he has to give the kids lunch money. It’s been this way our whole married life not just since the grands and I’m literally disgusted with his attitude toward “his” money and I honestly have thought about just taking these kids and going elsewhere but we are both getting older. He is older than me by quite a few years and I worry about his health and honestly I’ve loved him a very long time but I am worn down and just so tired of it… I would rather eat damn dirt than have to ask him for anything and I won’t. I’ve gone into debt raising these kids and I’d do it over and over for them. But a little help would be nice. Yes, he pays the household bills but nothing else. If we go eat sometimes he expects me to pitch in!!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Anyone else have a spouse that tries to control finances?
Honestly, I’d probably walk away.
I would tell him exactly what you told us and how it makes you feel. If he refuses change at all, it is probably time to reevaluate your relationship and priorities.
If you are not happy then maybe you should just leave him. I’m not to sure Facebook will be able to fix your problems
You said you work he’s retired and he pays all the bills. But you’re mad he expects you to sometimes pitch in. To me that doesn’t sound controlling at all…
The fact that yall are married and he feels the need to make you pitch in or have those sort of financial boundaries with you is definitely weird. At the end of the day seperate banks or not ours come out of your shared funds jointly. If he is seeing it as mine and yours separately in an extreme way. Its making me think he doesn’t want any responsibility in the children lives and he is making that a soely you problem. And having the children there is doing nothing but making it worse than it already was though. But the question is why… because it would take away from his luxurious? Is he being greedy as in " i earnened this money and i will enjoy it. If you wanna waste your money on the grandkids that’s on you" did yall disagree about them living there? I wouldn’t say cheating but i see a greedy selfish man. Force his ass to sit down and tell the truth
You need to tell him what you’ve shared here. Maybe you can find some middle ground if you have some honest conversations. Can’t hurt to talk it out…it will either help the situation or reconfirm how you’re feeling making it easier to figure out your next steps
Hes retired but pays all of the household bills… and you’re mad when asked to pitch in? I’m a bit confused on why you’re at the end of your rope.
Yes. I am that one lol. Only because my partner has no fricken clue. Even after I have shown him and let him take over for a year. He put us in more debt… so I took control back. Except, we don’t split bills. All our savings and bill money go into one account… I always keep a little bit of my pay, for things I, him or our kids need like clothing, shoes etc. Everything else comes out of the account we have together.
Let him know he’s about to lose it all, and ask him which is more important you or the money. That reaction will tell you everything you need to know about your relationship.
Selfish thats not ok
Financial control is a form of abuse, just saying
Im a little confuse , if he pay for all the household bills what exactly you do with your money? Did he have a say in your desicion to raise your grandkids ?
Seems like he made a good decision about asking you to have your own bank account and limit your access to his
I won’t add my boyfriend to mine and he got mad… Like he has no idea how to save money. Nope not happening with my main account. Not that dumb
It sounds like he pay house bills and that’s it, tell him you wanna switch roles and you pay the house bills and he pays what your paying. I totally understand your post because he is probably only paying house payment, lights and water. Everything else is not necessary so he has you pay. I can also see his point of view.
Talk to a lawyer before you speak with him so you will know your rights. He may have to leave so you can keep the house for the children. I think you can go to court to get temporary full custody of the children. Check it out
A husband is supposed to be the provider biblically speaking I will pray for you because I’ve been through this before until I learned I pray that you find comfort and peace I really hope you find your way God bless
So he pays the bills for the house? Meaning you have absolutely no worries about the roof over your head? You have no worries where your next meal comes from? Sounds like you might need to learn to live within your means. I’d give anything to not have worry about a roof over our heads. All I had to worry about was food and clothes for the kids… I’d be in heaven.
3 kids are NOT cheep!!! People she said he’s old Iam sure house is pd
if he pays all the bills then happy days
Had an ex like that. Thankfully, no kids involved.
Run. Age doesn’t matter. Just run.
(Take a trial RUN if you’re scared. Take a vacay for a couple weeks - even at a friends house. Have no contact with him. See what happens.)
So what are you doing with your money ? Or are you making decent money and spending all of it and asking for sone of his retirement funds too ??
Talk with him maybe you guys can re consider the deal of who pays what ect
Wow yes 3 kids aren’t cheap aww. It’s about them. He should realize that his expenses are capped with his bills but having to raise kids and being grandparents there’s always extra expenses. It’s not easy when cost of living is much higher. My husband tries to act the same way. But I keep my receipts and show him that costs aren’t lower now days. I pay the bills, he pays the food and expenses and he works. I am a stay at home mom and raise the 7 kids as I have 5 girls and raising his niece and nephew too. Maybe change a budget that you both can work out. That way he’s not cheaping out and you both have a set control of the family finances. It will be easier if the family finances weren’t separated and together as one unit.
He needs to grow up!! Can’t take the money with you when you pop ya clogs, yes have little saved for emergencies and make sure all bills covered but rest is to spend make memories for you all. You need to put yourself first your mental health matters especially when looking after 3 grandkids. You can’t stay with someone because you worry for hes wellbeing and health due to age. Would you both be up for therapy to chat through it all or is it like flogging a dead horse?
Retirement homes are a thing…
l get paid over $ 175 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $ 17428 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
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nope, i felt like a child asking for things with my ex, if i had a spare pound and wanted a can of pop, i wasn’t allowed one. if i would’ve bought one and took it back to the house he would’ve told me to go take it back. no, he would’ve made me. he was working, and he said to me “you’ll get child benefit every monday and you’re allowed to do what you want with it” the word i hate there is “allowed”. even then, he would go to the bank with my card and get that money out, usually to buy more cannabis with. when i left while pregnant, he took my bank card and the money that was in there. financial control isn’t a good thing. it is a form of abuse.
Well where’s the parents? Shouldn’t have to spend money on the grandkids when the parents should have taught the parents to raise the children
People she set up her own account .He didn’t ask her to . He pays house hold bills .she pays everything else .He won’t even give the kids lunch money . It’s the fact .it’s he’s way or ,no way . Clothes ,food , hospital bills , cleaning supplies , things kids need for school or ,etc ! Everything adds up . Crap gas ,fixing her vehicle if she has too . Plus she works ,takes care of the house n ,etc etc ! Their married if she needs a little extra for something what does it hurt for him to give it to her ? It’s a full house hold living in their home . It’s give n, take . It’s not do some n ,leave the rest on your spouse .
Are you married to him because it sounds like you are living a single in Australia marriage means together there’s no yours or mine it’s ours
Nope and nope. Money should be accessible by both parties in a relationship and a agreement on an amount that needs a discussion before purchase.
Ours is $100 and it is generally like “hey I want to buy/do XYZ”. Unless it’s a major purchase neither one of usually cares.
“Mean as cat’s piss” comes to mind.
I have friends like this. The more they have , the more they want.
You’ve lived with him this long you must be used to it and you’ve put up with him this long you are never going to leave but it is ok to sound off if it makes you feel better.
Are the kids parents helping out?
People, HE IS RETIRED! Did anyone ask him if the grandchildren could move in? Why ARE the grandchildren living with grandparents? He pays all the bills, she has her own account, so does she work?
We are to feed, provide shelter, clothes and love our children! THIS MAN IS DOING THAT! She can pack them kids a lunch!
Believe it or not but controlling finances is actually a form or abuse.
Will he be able to afford a nursing home for himself?
Being financially controlling is a form of abuse. You didn’t say why you have the grandchildren. I would guess it’s because the parents are no longer around. You said you work and make decent money. You don’t say where you’re from. I know that living like this can eventually destroy your relationship. Things will get more and more strained and bitter until you have no choice but to take the children and leave. In most cases, a woman on her own with children can get help if she needs it. Believe me, a place of your own, even with children, is much more peaceful than one with a penny pinching ogre yelling at you all the time. Being frugal is nothing new to you. If you do decide to go it alone, you’ll do just fine.
I Get Paid 0ver $ 110 per hour w0rking from h0me. I never thought l’d be able to d0 it but my colleague makes over $ 13900 a m0nth doing this and she convinced me t0 try. The p0ssibility with this is limitless.
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That’s super weird to me, as I would be the kid in the situation. I have the same conversation with my grandparents , when I leave the house. Like I’ll tell one I’m leaving and they’ll ask 1. Do you have gas? 2. Do you need any money? 4. Do you have your license 4 z( from my grandpa ) Have you checked your oil ? I have this conversation with both of them Bwcause he’s hoh and he won’t hear my have the conversation with her. I worked full time before maturity leave. When I was in school especially ( worked full time since I was 16 by choice ) they always asked me . My grandparents definitely would make sure I had what I needed. Since 16 I’ve been pretty financially independent , but they both would help if I needrd.
l get paid over $197 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $18957 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
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Does he pay all the household bills or do you split them? If he’s paying all of them, you buying food shouldn’t be a big deal.
I think there are 3 sides to every story and this is yours.
Tell him to beat the bricks he is financially abusive . Period. You’re married it’s your money as well
He’s in for a shock when he has to fork over half his money in a divorce. Lol.
he is at the age that he is worried the money won’t go far when you retire, Due to unexpected things, Add the fact there are 3 kids that live with you. Financially I totally understand.
Do away with the “go into debt for the children” mentality and develop the “how can I build wealth for the children” mentality. Makes all the world difference in your approach, behaviour, and perception of belief system being that of a growth mindset as oppose to scarcity.
If you’re not supported by your partner ( and I don’t mean financially ) then I’d leave . Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy .
I was berated this morning for asking to have my debit card. The card that when my ex pays child support, it loads there. You should be able to have control over your own finances without an issue. Period.
A swift push down a large flight of stairs would fix all of this.
whats mine is his whats his is mine put your money together and work as a team wth
Marriage counseling. Money is always a symbol for another, deeper issue.
He’s financially abusive. What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is everyone’s. You shouldn’t have stayed this long. Leave him & get him for spousal support.
Yea that’s my husband. He expects me to go broke before he will pitch in extra.
Sit down and discuss everything each person’s money is supposed to cover. Work out a budget. If you’re covering everything for the kids (food, clothing, phones, gas to take them to school, prescriptions, doc visits, sports team fees, etc), be sure to include it. Often men have no clue how much these things cost, especially clothing and how often kids grow out of it.
Also, what does your retirement savings look like? I’m concerned that you’ll be living on his half of Social Security, which won’t be enough. You two might need a mediator, a financial planner perhaps, to help you set financial goals and get on the same page.
Yeah…no. That’s financial abuse. My ex at first had control over both our money in one account and we were always about to lose our home or have things turned off. So I got my own account and websplit the bills. It didn’t help. He did the same thing yours is doing plus we would still be facing losing our home or having something shut off that he was supposed to take care of. Always a lack of money. So I got rid of the whole man and took over the bills and though I make MUCH less than he does…I always somehow had everything paid on time and had extra money for me and our son. Fast forward…my boyfriend and I are living together and have separate accounts and split the monthly costs. I argued I should pay more due to my son. Finally we agreed I’d pay $700 and he’d pay $800 because I was not getting anywhere lol. I’d make the argument there were two of us and he would legit pull " Lo siento…no habla englisia" So…now…every month he gives me $1,000 and refuses to give me less than that to pay all the bills. On top of that he doesn’t let me pay for anything we do and he still goes out and buys extra things for the household before I am able to. In return, I order things he needs for his dirt bikes or vehicles for him online and refuse to tell him how much it cost so he can’t pay me back. Then he will turn around at some point and tell me a client needs to pay with zelle so he has them send it to my zelle and yeah. What you are going through is BS and is abusive. That’s not normal and is detrimental to the whole household. First, change your mindset from lack to having plenty. Next see if you can find a therapist to help you navigate the stress and everything else you have going on. Lastly…consider throwing the whole ass man away. You’ve lived penny pinching and sound like an intelligent woman, you can budget and also find assistance where needed as a single woman with kids. The whole world will open up to you and you will be so much happier.
Joint bank account both have access to.
Just Nope. Controlling behavior of any kind doesn’t for me
Start telling him about every dime he spends! Right down to an extra slice of cheese!! No going out costs to much, no staying up late wasting electricity, I mean dive in for about a solid month!! Every dime and I mean bitch and complain! But you have to stick to it then he will see how it feels. You have to show old dogs and make them feel it to get the point across. Start serving meals with the serving size, that should do the trick no snacking be a tightwad
My ex husband was this way. Not on the list, can’t buy it. Over the super strict budget, can’t buy it. Disgustingly small $10 weekly cash “allowance” for “whatever I want”. That didn’t buy anything even in the 90s. It was a major contributing factor in our divorce less than 2 years into the marriage. He was controlling of my friends and what I did too. All red flags.
Listen to your gut and do what’s best for you.
Nope. Never again, been there done that!! I would move on!!
If you are truly unhappy then the kids you are raising know that. Life is too short to be unhappy in your everyday life. My advice is to leave and take half of everything.
You work and make decent money, he pays all of the household bills… Yet you’re saying that he isn’t helping financially… How about you find out exactly what he is paying on household bills per month, put half of the total aside from your pay and see how much he isn’t helping.
If you work and “make decent money”, then why have you gone into debt?
Perhaps, he sees your going into debt as a huge red flag.
Why aren’t the parents of the grandchildren contributing financially?
Are these grandchildren his, yours, or ours?
He is retired so he is not earning anymore but, I would guess living on a fixed pension and/or investments.
Unless he is independently wealthy he, too, is living on a fixed income, correct?
He may fear outlining his money. An understandable and reasonable fear that any intelligent person who have.
This is 100% financial abuse.
Please talk to an attorney and he will advise you best, you might have options you didn’t think of. If you choose to go separate ways then he will have to pay for his children if they are under 18
People just don’t READ very well!
That’s like room mate status… pitch in for lunch or whatever wtf.
Did he want your grandkids to move in? Why aren’t their parents helping? You can take the to court for child support.
I would leave. He is controlling and selfish.
If you are working… ALL of your money goes into your account. Let him pay the bills. Also… time to sit down and have an honest conversation. Let him know how you feel.
I’m just wondering and maybe because I do the bills in my home. He pays all the house expenses? If you make decent money you should be fine
And he calls that a marriage? Wow. Does he value you at all?
If you both have income coming in, write out a budget for bills, household expenses, food for all, clothing for all, everything…and split it.
l get paid over $177 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $18696 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
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This man is selfish and self centered and it’s all about him , when he loses what God has given him it will be almost to late but God is there for you and the children don’t give up the breakthrough is just around the corner
Just start asking God for what you want to see in your husband and believe what your asking for without any doubt in your heart and watch God do it
My ex was like this and we didn’t share money. He got mad if I went to the gas station on my lunch break to get a drink guess that’s why he’s an ex. Now I’m a happily married stay at home mom and my husband doesn’t question a thing
l get paid over $ 185 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $ 17931 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
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If it’s your money keep it in your private account and quit covering what he needs to. Don’t ask him to spend your own money.
Discuss it and find a way to compromise🤷🏻♀️
Money is a BIG trigger for me. My prior marriage was a disaster when it came to money. When I got remarried we had to work out how this looked. We have 3 accounts (1 bills and 2 personals). We did an account of all bills and split it. I made more at the time so I paid in more. We each have spending money and it was ours do spend as we wish. Money in the bill account (checking/savings) is bill only. If money is taken from her outside of bills it MUST be discussed. They are hard conversations especially if one person isn’t on board. I have a daughter from previous marriage and all her “bills/needs” I cover. Except my current husband pays her medical coverage from his job.
When I was a young thing my husband complained non stop about any money that I spent. I had a good job and my pay check went direct deposit to our joint account. One day he started complaining that my hand writing was too small and he had problems reading it. That comment pushed me over the edge and I went to a bank and opened my own account in my name only. Then I told him that plus what expenses I would pay. He stood there with his mouth hanging open and never said a word. He was also a control freak.
Your husband is very selfish. I would be checking what his financial situation is. He took you as his wife. Yet isn’t being supportive. There needs to be changes.
I would suggest sitting down with him and having an open conversation on how you feel about this. The both of you should come up with a budget where you could contribute to some of the household expenses and he can contribute to some of the children’s expenses. If he refuses to compromise, I would maybe seek the advice of an attorney.
I feel the same way my husband is the same way with his money
Have your work check put into an account he doesn’t have access to
Sorry you have to go through this. I control the money and my husband has no issue with it as our bills are paid. Us and kids are fed and he has money for his work days. Now I am working and taking care of the house bills kids and my disabled grandma. He goes to work and that’s it. I do everything else so I’m sure he appreciates me doing everything
I took over the finances once he overdrew our account 500 lol
My spouse tries but I just ignore him. If I want to spend money on my grandkids I do it. In this family I’m not the spender he is but every once in awhile I make my point.
I dated a man like this except he thought that my money was also his and got mad even if i bought myself a drink or bag of chips as a snack, saying that could go towards his cigarettes and beer. So happy to be away from that!
I guess if you dont wish to leave then tell him how you feel and that money spent on the grandchildren should be split equally… i personally can’t stand ppl that act like money is the only important thing in this world, and in all honesty bc of my past relationship, i cant even stand money like at all
Either you spend way more than you think or he is just terrified to have no money and it comes across controlling. If you ask my husband why I have taken over all the finances he’s going to tell you he has no idea. But in reality his $10+ a day at the gas station adds up fast and I worry. ￼This may not be your case of course. He could just be controlling and some stuff you said definitely raises flags.
Get rid of him! He is not going to change his ways so don’t continue to waste ur time just move on
I honestly don’t know how you still hold any respect for this man.
Some men will always have their mentality unfortunately. I got my own account. Accountability reasons for me…
Some men will always have their mentality unfortunately. I got my own account. Accountability reasons for me…
Let him read this post
He sounds like my dad. He 99% spent money on himself. He had a good paying job yet as a kid I worked in the school cafeteria, yes that long ago, because he refused to give lunch money.
Yea financial abuse is real.
Is he possibly getting worse bcuz he doesn’t want the 3 extra kids there??? I’m sorry he’s behaving like a child. It’s not setting a good example for the kids n your exhausted. Can u maybe treat yourself to a facial or something else special 5 yourself??? Really sounds like u deserve it!!!