My cousin is in a toxic and emotionally abusive marriage. Its obvious to all of us in the family and it’s so sad to watch. Our whole family is trying to support her from a distance, as she lives in another state. She has always had very low self esteem and being with this man is killing it even more. Her physical health has declined and I believe its because she’s probably depressed. The obvious answer is she should leave him, but we know it’s not that simple. She will vent at times about how she is feeling but gets upset when some of our family tries to offer her advice. I know it’s just a defense tactic and she’s emotionally crying out for help. I’m trying to be supportive and loving and let her know we all are in her corner but I’m worried it’s not enough. What would you do/how would you respond if this was your family member?
Just do what you are doing. Let her know you will be there for her. She won’t leave until she is ready.
There is really not much more you can do. It is all up to your cousin.
You’re supporting her. You’re listening to her. You’re not judging her or shaming her. You’re tryna help the best way you can. That’s more than most people.
Someone needs to offer her a way out. If she wants to leave (that’s important!) Then give her an option. A place to stay, help, anything u can. Just tell her here is what I can do to help, here is what we as a family can offer. Then the ball is in her court. If she wants to leave and is ready, she will take u up on it. If not, she will just keep doing what shes doing
I’ve been in her shoes as have many women and men. all I can say is she will know when her limit is over. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help herself.
Be extremely clear that she has options. A place to stay, a support system, anything and everything. 
and pray it either gets better or she moves on.
I was with someone who beat me daily
I to lived away from family.he nearly killed me
.i wish someone had stepped in for me they didnt even though they knew.thank God i got away
.i was scared he’d kill me if i left
.
You could tell her what my mother told me. She told me there is nothing l can do until you help yourself. That sounded harsh but true.l had six children but l put in for divorce and quit living in fear.
If she’s in danger, keep a watchful eye and report what you think is happening, so if anything happens to her it’s documented for law enforcement to launch an investigation.
Go to a women’s shelter. They will protect her until she can get away. Don’t wait until he kills her. This is serious
Just tell her every single time you talk that she is always welcome at your house and you are always available when she needs you.
I would listen, not offer any advice as you said she already gets that. I would offer her a safe place to go if and when she is ready
I’m in no way defending her husband. But life has taught me looking in others people’s windows isn’t all that it seems. And I know I used to whinge and bitch about my ex with EXAGGERATION to my friends and family at times (didn’t help they didn’t like him). I also know depending on my own mood somedays I didn’t bait him persay, but I did encourage his mood with my responses (admit it some days we too go looking for a fight).
I also know unless someone is ready to leave; they won’t. All you can do is continue to support them and let them know you are there and will help however you can.
I’m watching somebody very close to me go through the exact same thing. He not only took over her house he is put her in severe debt he moved his four children in with him and her and he barely if anything at all helps her with money. She works so hard pays all the bills and is up to her neck in financial distress. She was so jet-set before he arrived. She is asked him to leave several times but he will not as he would be homeless again which is what he was when she met him. It just breaks everybody’s heart surrounding her but there is nothing they can do to help her. She has to get to the point that she’s ready to help herself. In the first year he was with her he didn’t work at all she paid for everything bought him a new car new clothes provided all the Christmas for his kids in him. I mean it’s just been relentless. I finally got to the point where I had to remove myself. I rescued her from her situation on more than one occasion she would call me sobbing please come get me. She’s afraid to leave her home because she’s afraid he will take it from her. He is still legally married to his wife. She owned everything before he even moved in her house is paid off. You have to get to the point where you understand that you cannot do anything in your mental health is important. I finally realized after reading one of her post I’m morning after a huge blowout over there. But I laid awake worrying about her well she had a night of sex that was supposedly amazing. That was the day I said I can’t help you anymore it is time for you to help yourself and I removed myself. I pray for the best for her I pray for her everyday but that’s all I can do right now
just be there tonsupport her. if you tell her to leave him she may distance herself from you.
Just What you are doing. Support her and let her know that if and when the time comes she is ready to make a change that you and the family will be there to stand beside her. But until she is ready to call it quits there is not much anyone can do.
You and your family needs to come together with a plan to get her out when she’s ready to leave and let her know ur there for her no matter what plz support her!
Contact abuse shelter for advice & info in her area.
Go beyond offering her a place to stay and tell her that you will personally pick her up and bring her back (if you have the funds) she might not have any means of leaving so she may think she has no way out and that’s why she gets frustrated when you give her advice. Ask family members to pool money together in order to get her out of there. She may be too embarrassed to say she doesn’t have the funds to leave.
She won’t leave until she is ready, all you can do is listen.
All you can do is offer her a place to live, a plane ticket, or other means. She will not leave till she has had enough. Just listen to her and don’t try giving advice.
I’m in that exact situation and I know I make excuses for it. But sometimes I wish while I was venting that someone in my family would just show up amd offer me and my kids somewhere to stay or even just sit with me and call the cops when he’s having his outbursts. Like today… He went so far as to take our truck and my phone before i got the nerve to call them myself. He’s never physically absuive but… I will mever be the same as i was before i met him. This is MY families home… Hopefully he leaves like he says he will.
Luckily i mamaged to get him to move back to my home state… So my family is here. But my dad told me “I can’t tell you what to do… And i know you’ll only only do it when you’ve reached your breaking point…or when he crosses a line he can’t come back from.”
Been there done that. You cant force her to leave. She has too figure it out on her own. Might be hard and tear you apart but being there and offering her a safe place is all you can do for now. She will finally get sick of it and leave. It just takes time. Once a line has been crossed and she gets the guts to leave she will and when she does you be there to help her and support her. She will feel horrible and guilty but more family that supports her and shows her she is better off then she will manage.
Honestly the only thing you can do is be there for her. She will leave when she’s ready. If you force her, she will find a way back. I’ve been there
Offer to pay for therapy, talking it out with someone neutral and learning to focus on me, not just the toxic persons constant barrage of emotional and mental toxicity helped me realize I didn’t want to be in a relationship that unhealthy as it was costing me my health. She needs perspective, he is probably isolating her, she needs support and local resources so when she does decide to go she is empowered with a plan in place.