Best friend dating my ex

I was in a relationship with a man on and off for 8 years. My best friend, my ex and I work together for the same company. He and I broke up four years ago and have been amicable, at least on my end. He would talk about me in the beginning to other coworkers and even our manager and I kept my mouth closed because I didn’t want to engage. He is a covert narcissist so everyone likes him but people over time have seen his true colors as he is a habitual liar. I learned how to avoid him at all costs and bit my tongue for the sake of working together. I am married now and have moved on from that relationship. My best friend knows everything i went through and has seen what he has done and has always been the voice of reason. We have been through lots of hard times including the loss of my son and the loss of her brother. I thought this woman was my soul mate. Come to find out she has been secretly talking to my ex and even went on vacation with him. She has a long time boyfriend btw. I found out they all (including her boyfriend) went on vacation and she was the one who invited him and wanted him to stay when her boyfriend left early from their vacation which my ex did not. I also found out of numerous gatherings where I was not invited in hopes that he would go. A mutual friend opened up about it as she thinks this is not right especially since she is constantly inviting him and gets her hopes up but then he doesn’t show. I am completely taken by surprise as I thought she and I were close enough that she wouldn’t have done this. I feel conflicted because I don’t have feelings for my ex so no loss there but as my best friend, how do I proceed? I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I do not trust her any more. The only reason I do not confront her is because there is nothing for me to ask. She has shown her true colors and if it were anyone else I would have gracefully just distanced myself. She has told me about him coming around but she has said someone else always invited him. I really didn’t mind but now that I know it was her all along pushing for him to tag along and getting her hopes up, I am at a loss. My ex is not a good person and he will hurt her as he is seeing 2 other women in the office. I’m not sure if she knows this but I will stay completely out of it. I always pictured her and I traveling when we’re old. I am going to distance myself for now but I don’t know what to do. This girl has always looked out for me and my family and has gone above and beyond for me. I just don’t get it
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I would keep my distance, and make her more of a co worker then friend. I would keep it professional for work and have small talk, but I wouldn’t trust her with big or important things. Especially when you weren’t invited to certain things all because she invited him. It’s kinda funny he never shows up. I would stay out of it, and like I said… keep the distance. She’s shown her true colors.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Best friend dating my ex

She’s no friends in my eyes , walk away and get on with your life , seems like you dodged a bullet x

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Ive been in this situation and i didnt consider her a friend after that. Pretty much never talked to her again. Hes a huge trigger for me it was for the best

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Nope. That’s not a good friend!

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She’s not your mate, in the bin

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I’d stay out of it, but she should no longer be considered a friend

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It would be different if it was a guy you had a small fling with but…:flushed::flushed: no that was 8 years! Thats girl code!

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If any of my friends tried to get with my ex after everything I’d told them I would 100% never be their friend ever again shame on her

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Girl code! Boom! Ewww

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Let her live and learn. She’ll see his true colors eventually and when it happens she’s going to be hurt. If she comes to you tell her you’ve known that she’s been seeing him and that you truly don’t want to be around her anymore

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Let her get hurt. Its her decision

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Sounds like she wanted to be you all along

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Is who you heard this from a creditable source ?

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Honestly since she knows how he treated you then let her find out for herself. She’s already ruined your friendship. Now she’ll ruin her relationship with her boyfriend.

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She’s not your friend. Just sit back and watch her make a fool out of herself

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Wait a minute, so this other person tells you it’s your best friend who’s inviting your ex but you haven’t talked to your best friend based on what someone else tells you?? If someone hears something about you would you want them to ask you about it or just blindly believe what they hear. Sounds to me like you should talk to your friend as a friend and get to the bottom of it instead of believing other people.

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My issue would be that she kept it from you and wasn’t inviting you because she wanted to see him. Doesn’t sound like a good friend.

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Stay out of it. The other friend could easily be lying to break the friendship. And if it is really true, then your friend knows how he is and will learn the hard way.

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Move on from betrayal. She’s not my friend.

Let him hurt her. She watched you go through it, and still wants him. Doesn’t sound like she’s ever been your friend. Gracefully distance yourself.

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Why I have trust issues! It always comes from the ones closest to us!

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She’ll lose both men AND her best friend. Let her wreck this train. All you have to do is wait, watch and heal.

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Your over him right? Rather he was a piece of sh*t or not, everyone is grown, therefore, in my eyes, it shouldn’t bother you if you are moved on.

Let her live and learn. If she screws her life up, that’s on her​:woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3:

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You broke up 4 years ago?
What does it even matter lol get over it as it does not impact you :woman_shrugging:

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She may have once looked out for you and your family… (shady people tend to do nice things for others… because it helps them feel less like a scumbag) but she’s now only looking out for herself… at your expense. Get rid of her… she’s trash.

Gracefully distance yourself

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I would confront her and if she says yes to the allegations, let her continue. Karma has a way of working things out in the end!

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Keep your distance from both the ex and your friend who deserves your ex! Then look for a new job! You’ve had enough of a tough time still working with your ex. Now working in the same place as both these nut jobs is way too much stress! Move on from the circus! This is too toxic for you!

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You have already moved on what’s in the past is in the past . Stay out of it but cut off your friend

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Walk away for yourself. Thank her for being a good friend while it lasted wish her best and distance yourself. Do your job and live your life without both.

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What friend…cuz she was never

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When she gets hurt dont be there for her. She made her bed. She seen you hurt so when she gets hurt. Id laugh and turn my back :woman_shrugging:t2:

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You say it don’t bother you but you honestly sound jealous. You are with someone else and worried about what your ex is doing. You doing by need our help you need therapy. Y’all haven’t been together for 4 years let them do them. You honestly don’t sound like a good friend. If you was you would support her and accept whatever she is doing. Does your husband know you feel like this? Maybe he should be the one worried why you are worried about a grown a** man that you say you don’t care about.

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Back off! Save your dignity

You’ll never trust her again. It will never be the same…
She owed you loyalty as a best friend- he doesn’t owe you loyalty as an ex.
You’re smart to stay out of it, very mature on your end.
It’s okay to be hurt even though you’re married now, it’s wrong!
In my opinion anyone my friend has dated or even had a crush on is 100% OFF limits.

Be her voice of reason as she was for you . If things are not settled to standard then , distance yourself .

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If it was just a matter of you and your ex aren’t together anymore because you realized you just weren’t right for each other, then fine, let your friend date him. Maybe they are better together. But after telling her all the shit he put you through? And she still wants to be with him…behind your back? I’d talk to her and find out what is really going on and then make the decision if you want to be there for her when the shit hits the fan and he does the same to her.

Seriously what friend? If she is trying all that then its obvious that she wants him maybe even tried while yall together. All I’m saying is distance yourself focus on you and if she asks what’s going on just say look this came up I do not have feelings for him but if you want him just know he will do the same to you

I’d be upset my best friend didn’t tell me in th r 1st place, to ask if it’d bother me, and for friendly advice I wouldn’t care if they dated

You’re married now so none of this should have any effect on you. Its her life and her business. You broke up with him years ago. If she wants to date your ex after everything he did to you then that’s on her and none of your business

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I’d ask her instead of distancing yourself based on what someone else has told you. If it’s true, do whatever you gotta do…but give her the chance to tell you what’s going on or not going on…

She obviously doesn’t care that much for you, you really wouldn’t be missing out on anything but more lies and manipulation if you cutt her off

Distance yourself from her! Just stop telling her things, stop calling, speak when you see her and keep it moving. Always act like you are busy and just don’t have time to talk. If she ask tell her that you feel betrayed by her and the exact reason. Tell her you don’t trust her. Let her deal with him on her own.

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I’d question the motive of the 1 who told you and also have a heart to heart conversation with your best friend. I hate to say this but I would guess that the 1 who told you is the problem, not the best friend :thinking: but I could be wrong so make sure

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Had a friend like that, she would secretly hang out with people that didn’t like me and try to talk to my ex’s. Sometimes people are supposed to in your life temporarily, obviously now you know where y’all stand. Be done with her too, you’ll find a better friend some day.

Let her go and move on to better friends. If she thinks it will be different for her she will find out quick she is no different and DON’T be there to pick up the pieces

I just feel like this whole situation doesn’t involve you at all…just stay out of it

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She don’t care about you. Been there done that. 19 years of friendship down the drain cuz she left me homeless n wanted to hop on my ex husband within weeks of me leaving him, even after knowing everything I went thru n all the tears I shed, n got knocked up by him too within just a month. Those aren’t friends by ANY means

My best friend is my best friend period we all mess up we all make bad choices. It does sound like she has been a good friend to you aside from this situation. Talk to your friend if you truly feel about your best friend like you say in this post then there should be nothing you can’t talk to her about give her a chance to explain never trust a third party !!! I’d never ever take anything someone said and flat out believe it about my best friend she’s my best friend because right or wrong good or bad I trust her word as much as my husbands and I love her enough to always get the words from her mouth. IMO if you don’t feel that way about your best friend then s/he isn’t your best friend

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Continue doing what you’re doing and stay out of it. Focus on yourself, your career and your marriage. To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in her at all, since he blows off her invitations. But it says a lot about her. If she was there while he put you through what he did, then she knows what kind of person he is. If she wants to engage, let her do her thing. If I were you, I would distance myself from her. If she were a real friend, she would hate your ex more than you do for what he’s done to you. You don’t need people like her in your life. I’m not sure what you do for a living, but honestly, I would look for a similar position with a different company, just to actually put distance between yourself, your ex and your “friend”.

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Nah. I’m sorry but why would you date a friend’s ex who treated them badly, AND hide it from your friend?
She doesn’t sound like a friend to me.
I’d never date my best friend’s ex, and never have.
I always thought it was common knowledge to not date your best friend’s toxic ex, but I know some people don’t care.
She was a good friend while it lasted.
I’d be upset if my best friend dated my ex, let alone lied and hid it from me, and I’ve been with my husband for 8 years.

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I never understood this out of all the penis in the world why one that’s been with your friend :nauseated_face:
Sounds like aha doesn’t give a damn about your relationship move on and focus on yourself :heart:

Maybe consider the source, you don’t know that she’s done this! But if she did she definitely not a friend!

You definitely need to get over it. It’s been 4 years. She isn’t in the wrong :woman_shrugging:t2: if he hurts her then so be it, can’t say she didn’t have a warning. But you can’t control what she does and who she does it with.

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You said your ex is not a good person and in my opinion a best friend doing that is also not a good person…maybe they are a perfect match for each other…always remember what goes around comes around…since she done that to you it will be done to her…give it time,set back and wait…Karma has a way of showing up when you least expect it…but…just stay out of it and be happy in your own marriage…

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You said it yourself. If it was anyone else you wouldn’t be friends anymore. Why is she the exception? Doing wrong is doing wrong. Doesn’t matter who it is.

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You know the old saying,
“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Just don’t engage her on this topic, and when he hurts her, don’t say I told you so. Just keep silent on it.
She should know better.

Honestly if they’re your real friend anyone you dated before should be off limits. Many times friendships can last longer than a bf/gf. If it was me I wouldn’t associate with either of them.

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Just something to add to this conversation, society has given us this perspective that once we date someone they become our property. As if we’ve pissed on them and marked what is ours but this isn’t right. This includes our friends dating our exes. Most times a breakup will be highly emotional and leave a mark and even some hard feelings, but that is our experience alone and isn’t fair for us to expect everyone else to make it their belief of our ex. This is a hard truth especially for any of us that have been abuser by a partner/ex. However these two are grown adults and if your ex is a narc and she is aware but still trying to pursue him, that would indicate to me that she is struggling with some insecurities. Maybe what she needs is that same voice of reason that she supported you with.

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If you are over him then why are you worried about it.

Quit being the doormat. These people are walking all over you. Set boundaries or better yet distance from anyone who would do that to you!

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You don’t want to lose her and I understand that it truly sucks losing someone you thought was your best friend :pleading_face: but you HAVE to let her go for your own well-being and respect for yourself. She doesn’t care about you at all. You’ll be better off in the end, I know that much. Sorry people are so disappointing.

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Sorry but it is obvious that your friend has been coveting your life behind close doors. You need to get rid of her immediately. I wouldn’t beat around the brush since you know about everything. I would just set aside a time to tell her what you know and let her know that you and her can no longer be friends. You shouldn’t have people in your circle that will be sneaky or date your ex.

She seems like a sh*tty person. She has a bf and yet is lusting after your ex who she knows is a terrible guy. I would probably confront her about it and just say “I’ve been hearing that your interested in my ex and have been inviting him places” and see what she says. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. :woman_shrugging:t4:

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I would talk to her and ask her about it. Then depending on the answer I would decide if that is a true friend or not. There are always 3 sides to the story his, hers and the truth.

You need a new best friend.

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I just don’t get why a best friend or friend can’t date a ex, he’s a ex for a reason.

She has been with him for a while. Cut both of them loose. If she valued you this would not have happened. You would have this problem again.

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I think the only thing shes done wrong is keeping it from you … maybe she thinks youd be upset with her? Its been 4 years and youre married to someone else. Unless you’ve recently expressed to her that you still love him You really have no right to be upset if you are truly over this man… which i would hope so … you’re moved on and married. You know the type of guy he is and so does she… shes the only one whos going to be hurt in the end and its her lesson to learn. Communication is crucial for any relationship… I really think you should talk to her and let her know how you’re disappointed that she felt the need to keep that from you. You cant fix anything if you don’t communicate about it.

The only way I would be upset with a friend dating an ex is if I still had feelings for him.
If my friend wants my used garbage, have at it. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Not your monkey…not your circus…and not your friend either

She’s not your friend. She only stuck by you to get to him. She literally USED you to get to him.
Why would you continue a relationship with someone who has betrayed you. She would do it again. She is toxic. Stay away. God bless.

Let me tell you…this last May I broke my best friendship after over 40 years!!! People change… I think of her often but she didn’t shine very bright for me when she was called to…some people change no matter how long or how close you were…it gets better

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I would drop her and look for a new best friend

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It sounds like you can trust your ex more than your “bestfriend.” Even he can tell it’s wrong. He doesn’t show up because y’all are “bestfriends” is what I’m assuming. He doesn’t sound like he has interest in her. I would literally be like, um, so why are you hanging out with my ex, when you know what he’s put me through. Do you like narcissistic abusers? Lol wtf is wrong w her.

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This is unbelievable. My heart hurts for the loss/change in the relationship with for best friend.
Your grace throughout all this needs to be acknowledged. You are very humble & a true lady.
She lost your trust, & honestly doesn’t deserve you.
Please try to distance yourself from her. She’s not good for you it doesn’t seem.

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Obvious answer: With friends like that who needs enemies. Don’t hold on to used to be, people change, let go now.

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She knows what he is and chooses to see him. Tell her you heard they may be dating, wish her well and distance yourself

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I understand why you are concerned for her. I also get it isn’t about it being an ex but that ex. I think you need to be that friend now and let her know what you have heard and you hope she is careful and that you are there for her. I think we have all been guilty in our life of thinking we can change a man and maybe it’s the chase or she sees something or maybe it’s something different all together. But if you are that close I would touch base with her and be there for her as she was for you.

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She has a whole life you don’t even know about. You two really aren’t that close tbh.
Do you really want to be close to this woman who has knowledge yet total disregard all the problems you had with this ex? Let her go and complicate her own life, watch the toxicity play out from afar, shrug your shoulders, and laugh in secret at this entire sh!t show.
Or maybe find a new, even better, job. :wave:t3:

That’s not your friend.

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She was never a friend to begin with sadly any real friend would have told him to take a run and jump

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You’re not over your ex and now you’re pissed your friend went after him anyway. You see it as an act of betrayal to you, which it’s not. She’s a grown adult. She can date whoever she wants, your feelings don’t factor into any of her relationships. Unless he’s abusive (which right now sounds as though he is just blowing her off unless it’s convenient for him) then keep your mouth shut and seriously get over the ex. Tell your friends you hope she’s happy and that she deserves love and a healthy relationship. She will either learn the ex isn’t going to give her that or she will be miserable and continue trying to win him over.

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No offense your grown…not in highschool…do your job…make your check…go home to your man and leave your ex and your so called pathetic “friend” to themselves…or get a different job…but your stresses over stuff that really has nothing to do with you yea I get being upset your friend going for your ex but hell that don’t make her friend now does it…plus she is cheating…and he is cheating on 2 other women so I’m not sure how either can get hurt…they both seem to know what’s up and continue to meet and sleep with each other but again that’s their business…get better and more grown friends…and stop stressing so much over an ex if you married…girl move on…you a grown married women…not a highschool girl whose in the highschool world…you grown you got bills and more important reasons to be working and more important things that should be occupying your mind…neither sound like good people so move on…leave the trash in the past and move on to bigger better things and friendships and enjoy your husband and get your ex out your head…who cares who he is screwing…you don’t own him…so just get him out the equation and focus on your man…you shouldn’t stress so much over people that obviously don’t worry or care about you or your feelings or they wouldn’t be sleeping together and they wouldn’t be leaving you out of several social stuff…it’s clear they don’t want you around…don’t let that drag you down…in fact where that with pride that sneaky lying cheating no good people like that dont want your company and find people that value you and know how to treat you…and work is about chasing paper…deff not a social gathering to hang out or whatever again you grown not in highschool between classes…so act like it…and if working with them is to much…get a different job …it sounds like you got the work experience…ask for a transfer or give a two week notice and find something else…you know yourself you don’t deserve to be done that way…so stop stressing stuff you can’t change and give yourself what you deserve happiness and positivity instead of stress and being done dirty and so much negativity…let it go…you can do this…I promise… put it ALL out your mind and don’t let it affect you…your relationship with your man…or your ability to make a check…don’t let stupid drama break you…it’s not worth it…esp by people that clearly don’t give a crap about you…or it would not be happening…

You don’t want to lose your so called “best friend”, but she ain’t acting like she’s your best friend. If anything, best friends don’t do that to each other

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I don’t know. Seems sort of weird to me. If you and she discussed in detail that he’s a narcissist, I wonder if it’s possible she planted that in your head to steer you away from him because she was interested or already involved with him. Something is really odd about all of this. I think she maybe hiding more than you think. If I were you I’d probably distance myself completely from her and just let her go on with her life. She does not seem like a genuine person to me.

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So what I’m getting here is that your friend didn’t open up about what she’s doing and that you don’t want her to get burned the way you did. I would confront her and ask why she would do this to herself if she knows what kind of person he is as she’s setting herself up for disappointment and heartache, as also why she would cheat on her current relationship. As far as your relationship with her goes, be honest. Tell her you thought your bond was stronger than what is going on. If she can’t be honest with you then as much as it will hurt, cut her loose. You need to value yourself as much as you have the friendship.

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Snakes are Snakes no matter how much we love them.

She’s not a friend. Seems like she was just close with you to get to him

Best friends don’t behave that way. When someone shows you who they are….BELIEVE THEM.

If she valued your friendship we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

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So what he’s your EX you apparently didn’t want him?
Life goes on,grow up.

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Walk away she is not your friend…Do you have blinders on or what…

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Sweetie let it all go - you don’t need other drama in your life. She is not your friend- a good relationship is built on trust - once that’s gone - your relationship will NEVER be the same. You don’t need it honey - be the adult and walk away.

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If there is NO feelings and you NO longer trust the “best friend” then why even let it bother you? Seriously you are 1 of 2 things and that is you ARE still stuck on the ex and this has absolutely nothing to do with you trying to protect the best friend but instead it is jealousy over the fact that she is trying to get with the man you still feel some type of way about

Chicks over dicks, ladies. :disappointed:

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Cut her off. Friends don’t do that.

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Do you have proof of this is happening? Best friends don’t do that…

There’s really no reason to confront her. She’s clearly not your best friend or even a friend… I am married to one of my friends exes but we had a long talk about it before and they were never that serious or dated that long. She has lied to you and not transparent

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Playing devils advocate, she’s not the one that told you all of this you said a mutual friend told you? Are you sure there isn’t an issue between the mutual friend and your best friend that would cause her to maybe lie and pin it on your friend? If she’s never given you a reason not to trust her before I’d maybe dig a little deeper and get more info before you make a decision

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