Do I have a right to be mad?

So I’ve been with a guy for two years. We have had ups and downs just like everyone else… Recently (about the last month) we have been fighting like cats and dogs. He reached out to one of his “best friends,” who happens to be a female, to tell her all about our problems; my issue with this is… He hasn’t spoken to her for 1 1/2 years iv met her one time. He never called to tell her when we got engaged or even when we found out we were having a baby, but he can tell her our problems … I asked him why he was talking to her, and he flipped out on me for looking at his phone and calling me crazy for being upset about it… my thing is If he couldn’t keep in contact with her over the last 1 1/2 let her know about our Engagement and pregnancy why does she need to know we were talking about splitting up?? I know I’m not wrong for being pissed, am I?? Guess I just need others’ opinions to be 100% sure…

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Still keeping his options open IMO

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Sounds to me like hes testing the waters

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My advice is to make it clear that you will not compete for him. Been there, done that and it doesn’t end well.

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Agree he’s testing the waters. Wants her to think you’re crazy and for her to make him feel like a man

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Not ok. At all.
It seems like he is keeping his options open.
You have every right to be upset.

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Yeah sounds like he’s seeing if she’s interested in something

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Unpopular opinion: he wanted help and found an unrelated female he could trust

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He’s keeping a back up…

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I don’t think it’s really been that long since they talked if he was so open about everything after supposedly not talking for that long

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The fact you went through his phone means u have trust issues in my opinion. And now your jealous he is talking to an old friend female or not… idk in my opinion I feel like your in the wrong…

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He’s hiding something from you :woman_shrugging::100:

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Normalize having friendships with the opposite sex.

Are you checking his phone constantly to know he hasn’t spoke to her?
Relationship seems doomed if you’re going to treat him like he’s a cheater

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Sometimes people talk to other people they haven’t talked to in years for many reasons. Maybe he just wanted someone else who doesn’t know what’s going on, etc. I wouldn’t let my mind wonder without being 100 percent sure & the only to know is if you sit down and talk without screaming typa thing.

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Wtf. I would be pissed too! You don’t go off and tell any female about your relationship issues. Smh.

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I think communicating is key. You gotta talk to him. Ask him why he seemed so upset.
I am finally in a very healthy relationship, have been for over 3 years and we are expecting our first child together in August. I used to go through his phone because of my own insecurities, and it pissed him off because he has never done anything for me to not trust him, but because of past traumas I have lived through, I had trust issues. But I always have to talk to him about things. We can’t read others minds. So it’s better to ask, instead of assume.
It sounds fishy to me, but I also don’t know the kind of guy he is so its not fair for me to judge. All I can say is open communication is key for any healthy relationship.
Just my opinion, I hope everything works out alright for you and the precious little one :heart:

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Maybe just maybe… He felt like he couldnt talk to anyone and he knew he could talk to her about it? Stop assuming the worst, stop snooping, if you dont trust him then leave him!

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He should be figuring out how to talk to YOU, about working through your issues. Sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed with all of the big changes, and commitments they entail. Marriage does not cure a commitmentphobe. Its painful to talk frankly about “taking a break” at a time like this. Much more painful to talk about divorce later. Do it. Been there.

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He’s trying to secure something else. That’s such a red flag. Do you know if they had history or any attempts at being romantic before you met?

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#1. Don’t talk about your problems with anyone else than your partner. It’s your relationship so if you want to make it work than you gotta talk it out. Ya people can give insight but no one knows the ins and outs of your household. Yes if he is talking to someone else than its a problem.

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Well okay my best friend is male, we’ve been friends for 16+ years. He doesn’t mention the women he’s dating unless I ask :woman_shrugging:t2: I think it’s a guy thing. He brings them up if he needs advice and we’ve never been more than friends. As women we tend to overshare mistakenly thinking men will do the same. Oh and I didn’t know my bestie was engaged until after he called it off or about his kids until they were born lol

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Unacceptable. Kmhe is keeping a back up.

If I was you I let him go . If you need to talk to other woman about our shit there there the fuck door .

It’s never ok to discuss problems outside of your relationship and if he’s not close than it’s be hard not to wonder what he’s hoping for from her input on a situation she has no opinions on. So going through phones is never ok. If you suspect your partner is up to shady shit and won’t be honest with you that’s the big problem. You two need to discuss the real issues in your relationship. If you can’t be real and honest and trust each other not to run off to other people you need to ask yourself what are you in this relationship for- and kids and you love him are great but you deserve to be happy too. If you are both on board with getting to your problems try a couples counseling session. It worked for me and it made a huge difference. Good luck.

The ONLY people I vent to about my relationship stuff is to my sister & my best friend of 10+ years (which is basically like another sister to me). I don’t tell my other siblings, friends or family about it. The reason is because I need to vent, everyone does at some point. But if we decide we’re gonna push through the problem that’s for us to decide & the only 2 folks I talk to support me, no ifs ands or buts about it. I get no judgment from them. I would never go blab any relationship issues with someone I haven’t talked to in that long. And above ALL others I talk to my spouse! It’s me and him, our life. So once we’ve argued & had time to cool down we talk about the issue. We figure out how to move forward. It’s not anyone else having to live in your world so their opinions don’t really matter.

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Been there. Now I’m divorced. I’ve also been cheated on with the best girl friend another time too. Huge red flag. I would be mad too.

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If you met her once she isnt his best friend. Sorry to he blunt.

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You don’t need a bunch of strangers on fb to validate your feelings, you have a right to be upset. Yes we should normalize friendships between men and women, yes we all meet someone to vent to, but at the end of the day he should be talking to you about your relationship problems. And also going through his phone does show you have trust issues, trust your instincts I promise that kind of thing does not stop If you end up getting married or staying together.

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You have every right to be mad. He shouldn’t be discussing your issues with another woman. Idc who she is or was to him.

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First neither of you should be sharing what goes on in your relationship with possible prospects. And the fact that he doesn’t acknowledge your feelings on the situation means there’s a huge problem. It doesn’t matter about right or wrong it matters about acknowledging how a person feels because of another’s actions. I don’t think he’s old enough to be in a relationship

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He 's such a kid,not grown yet.

No man in a relationship should have a woman(other than the woman he is in a relationship with) as his closest confidant. Even if nothing ever happened between the two of them, it’s not smart. I’d be upset. But I think more so I’d be hurt.

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Why does this sound like my ex? He ended up being a toxic narcissist and kept going back with his ex and kept me on the other side without me knowing about the other girl. I got pregnant and he changed and left me, but kept the whole pattern, on and off, gaslighting, hoovering, etc… I am glad I was strong enough to leave his ass and continue my life with my baby boy. He never cared about any of us and all the relationship was a lie from day one. Narcissist guys are dangerous and after 3 years of massive emotional abuse I still healing

Nope your not wrong and the just know the more he goes to her the more he will start to dislike you.

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Sounds to me like he’s probably cheating on you, or he’s about to… :cry:

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It sounds like he’s hiding something. I’ve been in that situation and it didn’t end well. In my situation to me he choose her over me. And that’s why we aren’t together anymore. Also in my relationships there’s always another female. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I have a male best friend from 2nd grade, we don’t talk every day every month or every year but if I need to talk to him about problems, or about donething I need a male opinion on then I will contact him, doesn’t matter if it’s been two years since I talked to him, those friendships are the ones you keep. It’s so sad women don’t have friendships like this and everything has to be sexual .:woman_facepalming:t4:

When I was married and we had problems I’d contact him to talk and get a clear head, and a different perspective. My ex wife hated that I would try to get different perspectives so I can look at the problem as a whole, and not from only my side and hers. I hate that women make everything sexual between male and female like we’re not allowed to be friends.

You’re also checking his phone which means you don’t trust him, and I would say, no trust, no relationship.

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Women need to learn how to trust their instincts. If you’re feeling this way and you’re reaching out for other people’s opinions you already know the answer to your question. Always trust your gut feeling. Don’t waste any more time on him move on life is too short to be unhappy. Especially for your children they are the ones that suffer the most they feel the tension and know something is wrong. Take care of your babies and yourself and someday you will find that person that loves you who you are and will not have to question it.

Nope. Not wrong. Trust your gut instinct

Well they’re sleeping together 🤷 he’s mad you went through his phone… Yeah he’s hiding something

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If nothing was wrong he wouldn’t be hiding it or getting mad she found out

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No man talks to another woman about splitting up with significant other. Unless they want that woman to know they are interested in a relationship if something does happen.

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You have every right to be mad. When my husband and I have problems, I vent to my best friends too, but I also contact them for the good stuff too. My husband has also met them more than once!

My ex use to run to his ex with our relationship issues. When I found out, his response was… “ I value her opinion because I made a lot of mistakes with her and I don’t want to make them with you. She tells me where I’m failing.” :unamused: … and then he got caught sleeping with her. I’d be cautious about this situation.

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U definitely have the right to be upset

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Watch out is all I have to say my ex found him a woman to confide in and he ended up picking her over her s family sad life is what it is

Yea do not trust him

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If you had to go through his phone y’alls relationship is already over imo. Doesn’t sound like either one of you are happy and probably should spend a little time apart or really sit down and hash everything out

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Uhhhh… Because he’s got his foot out the door and you have a right to be upset, my man has gone to females as well but you also have to remember that we as women also go to others about issues as well, I mean you’re asking fb for our opinion. Talk to your man, not us and tell him to talk to you, not other women… :woman_shrugging:

Private things in a relationship need to stay between the people in the relationship. Outside opinions do more harm than good. Him reaching out after so long just to complain about you isn’t okay. You two should go to couples counseling. That way if he wants to talk about you, he can at least get an unbiased professional opinion.

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Sounds like the ick is setting in… perhaps some couples therapy would be helpful, to learn some effective communication and comprehension.

Girl if it’s to that point just take your dignity and go lol

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I dont see the problem here at all. U have trust issues.

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When they play the “crazy card” it’s not you, it’s them.

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i’ve been here and told myself for years if i try harder he’ll forget about her. no girl he is choosing her over you every time that he talks to her. recognize that shit and deal with it before you’ve wasted your life on someone who never cared about you how you cared about them.

Im not saying its the same experience but the same thing happened to me with my ex husband and now he and the woman he was “friends” with have been living together for 4 years and we co parent the son i found out I was pregnant with during all this. Im happily married now but it was hell in the beginning.

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You’re right to be upset. 1 1/2 years and that’s who he talks to about y’all splitting up? He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself. I’d give him back the ring and tell him why in your own words. Me and my husband have our spells of fighting like cats and dogs but that’s us. If it doesn’t feel right to you and he’s flipping out like that then he’s not looking at this from your point of view. Ask him how would he like it if you talked to a male friend about intimate details of yalls fighting and etc. I’d be livid if I were in your shoes. Try to talk it out with him and if you still have that gut feeling then decisions have gotta be made.

I think since you are engaged and he’s not being very forward and open about speaking to her I would hand him back the engagement ring tell him you are releasing him from his promise because he doesnt seem like he wants to commit anymore. He may be telling you in his own way with the fighting and talking to another female that he wants out. Better to know now. If you love something let it go, if its yours to keep it will come back to you, if it doesnt come back to you it was never yours.

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You have every right to be upset. He most definitely has or had feelings for this person in the past…which means he easily could fall back into that. This girl just pops up now? Strange timing. He’s feeling out his future options under the guise of needing “someone to listen.” Where are his guy friends? Don’t they have relationship advice? He needs to stop. Either he wants to work on your problems with you as a couple…together…or he’s moving on to the next thing. It’s not right. I’m mad for you!

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I think the real question is if he is doing this now will he do it after you and he committed to marriage… Since your not married you really have no say who he talks to, maybe he feels he cannot talk to you… I would suggest you get hold of your problems before making any major commitments , married here for almost 57 years its give and take…

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Well for someone whose been in similar situation in the past, sounds to me he’s keeping her informed bc she’ll be available to him if you guys break up. Look at this way he only talks to her when you have problems not when things are good, so he’s making you the bad person in relationship, and for him getting upset looking through his phone? No man will get upset with their other half looking through phone unless they got something to hide my ex did this constantly and eventually put a lock on it, so with that he’s definitely up to something. Sorry to say but he’s most likely cheating on you for awhile and hides it very well.

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Yes you have every right to be pissed, but I will say it’s better it happened before you got married. Just hate that a baby is going to be drug through it all

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In my experience, men don’t just talk to women. It leads to something else. The last time my man was talking to a woman, I started talking to a guy. My man realized that he could lose me over something dumb. Now, any issues we have with each other, we talk to each other about it.

My husband and I have been married 10 years, together 17 years. We both have discussed our issues with outside people because sometimes it’s nice to have someone’s outside opinion or advice.
I wouldn’t be mad at him for discussing it with a woman IF they were friends. But since he hadn’t talked to her in so long, it seems like he just wants her to know the negative. Was she supportive of your relationship or trying to help?

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I think he made a wrong move and should have talked to you. He probably turned to the person always there when these things happen, but its definitely disrespectful.

He’s keeping his options open. Kick him to the curb like yesterday

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My guess would be this girl is an ex or they fooled around in the past. I’m leaning toward ex.

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I’m sorry this is going on but if he’s not committed to you he shouldn’t be talking about your relationship problems with another female unless it was family in my opinion.

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I think it’s really up to you. It’s your life and we don’t know how this is truly affecting you mentally and physically. I will however give my opinion on the checking his phone…If you went there then there is definitely trust issues and that right there is one huge problem.:woman_shrugging: To me there is no going back from that. It’s just always going to cause fights if there is no trust. Oh and yes you have very good reasons for being mad.

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You have every right to be pissed. If she was JUST a friend there is no reason you should not of met her long ago and he wouldn’t be so defensive. You need to get to the bottom of it right now or you will be later on when it’s way too late. Been there, Done that, Have the t shirt and divorce papers.

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We’re allowed to feel however we’re going to feel at any given time in any given situation so yeah, your feelings are valid, but you need to look deeper at why you’re mad. My guess is you feel threatened by this girl and violated that he aired your dirty laundry. This is what you need to be discussing with him. Not the fact that you’re pissed, but the calm and rational reasoning why. You also need to discuss your boundaries because you shouldn’t be going through his phone without his consent.

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Even if the conversation started innocently enough this is how affairs start. This is a boundary that he should not be crossing. Is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex- yes but- this is quite different. If the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel? Yes you have a right to be upset. I guess I’d at least have the conversation with him and give him a minute to correct himself.

I had my husband read this and we both think this sounds like he’s cheating

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Nope. He has every right to have friends.

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I have found that when people split up guys contact someone from their past hoping for another chance but claim their just someone to talk too. BS

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Don’t sound good and yes I’d be mad too :broken_heart: So sorry!

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In my opinion the only person he should be talking to about your problems is you.

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Relationships that last are not this hard…they just work. Cut your losses and move on…

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Need more context. Examples of what you fight over. You maybe blowing this out of proportion. Not that women do that often…

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Guys don’t talk to their friends everyday.

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Mad at you for looking at his phone … red flag but that’s just my opinion

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When this happened with me my husband had been cheating on me with his “friend”

For crap sake, , talk to him, don’t put it on social media. You want to fix it or just get attention??? Think before you post!

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I would be pissed !!! No way . You don’t go to some girl with your problems .

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People can have friends without having feelings for them. He probably knew you where going to get upset and probably stopped talking to her. The part where he tells her about your problems is for a fact that he feels like he can’t tell you anything because you are fighting a lot. He doesn’t trust you on fixing things or for an advise. Some of us ladies always wants to hear and see things more than what it is.

He’s already got a foot out the door.

I’m sorry you’re going through this :pray:

only you he should be talking to

No he is cheating move on

You have every right to be pissed!

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What you accept, will become your future.

He’s gotta go he’s cheating on you

Hell nahh I’d be pissed too

I’d definitely be upset. For one, he should be talking to YOU about the issues between you two. For two, that’s just disrespectful.

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No. If they haven’t been in touch in years then it’s not even an active friendship he should be telling anything about your problems. Sounds like he’s reaching out for a backup if you guys don’t work out.

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Well hmm I’m on the fence here…
Firstly why are you checking his phone… sounds like you have an issue there firstly anyway…
And then secondly, previously she may have reached out to him with a problem she was having with a partner so he felt he could talk to her… maybe he also felt he could tell all his side to her without being judged by your mutual friends… also if only his side is being heard by her, maybe he feels he’s getting the support he needs from a friends…
I hate to say it but a lot of people (also seen her in the other comments) are so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions and accuse others of doing the wrong thing when it could just be innocent… maybe this is half the reason you’re having problems in the first place…

And before people bite at me, this is just my opinion and I have a right to them just like you do

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Wow my ex was like this with me and I found out it was drug related he became a narcissists and he assaulted me in front of my daughter when I found out his secret I packed up and left

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I’d be pissed. I get reaching out to an old friend when shit is rough but if you can’t celebrate with me I don’t need your sympathy.

Sounds like “gaslighting”. Google it, if you aren’t familiar with the term. Narcissist’s are notorious for it!

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I would get out of the relationship. Save yourself.

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