Do I have to choose between my passion and the love of my life?

My husband and I got married in 2019. I'm completely in love with him BUT I'm a photographer by degree and passion and I'm trying to make it a living but when I want to go out and do a photoshoot even at the zoo he thinks I'm cheating on him because that's a date place. It hurts because I feel like I have o choose between my passion or the love of my life and I don't think it's fair. I've tried to include him but it's boring to him and he just ends up feeling like my pack mule. We also work opposite shifts making it even more difficult to find the time to be with each other. I work 10pm-7am and he works 5am-2pm so by the time he gets home I'm asleep already. I either have to choose to try to lay down and go to sleep immediately after I get off work so we can have time together in the evenings OR I go take pictures after work and sleep in the evenings before work and he feels like I'm ignoring him.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do I have to choose between my passion and the love of my life?

He is the one with a problem. He should be able to trust you no matter where you are going. Ever heard the one who blames is the one doing? Also I’ve never went on a date to a zoo so that’s just bologna. Don’t give up your passions to accommodate his insecurity.

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He sounds ridiculous. Typically the one blaming/accusing is the one cheating. Do what you are passionate about please because you’ll hate yourself if you give it up

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He needs help with this insecurity. Plus that is s control issue. Tell him if he wants to make this work he needs to get over it

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If there is no reason for him to think you are cheating (past instances, for example), then he may be gaslighting you. He’ll accuse you when it’s him doing wrong.

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Danger danger. Don’t let him take control of your life like he’s trying to do. Abusers isolate people and make accusations of cheating.

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It’s coming from a place of insecurities and he needs some sort of validation that this marriage will succeed. He’s obviously mirroring his worries onto you that he’s also neglecting you. You both will need to make changes to get this to work , find different hours to work, plan time away together, etc etc. You’re a team so you both need to find a way to voice and work through it. He needs to grow up a little and learn to be better at communicating his issues instead of belittling you and and accusing you of cheating … thats ridiculous and childish.

Its sometimes hard to listen to ourselves , but read what you posted. The LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WONT LET YOU FOLLOW YOUR PASSION THINKS YOU ARE CHEATING WHEN YOU TRY TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE!!! Every red flag :triangular_flag_on_post:

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What photographer works from 10pm - 7am?

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He needs to be more understanding but you could also change your hours I think.

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If you can’t even go and have a photodiode because if his jealousy, that will only get worse. It’s not the photography that is the problem, it’s that he wants to control you.

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Run far away from that toxic relationship. Married or not it will never get better and you will waste years of your life being miserable in a small bubble of “safe” people/places that you’re allowed to talk to and go to if you’re lucky.

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Real talk: him assuming you’re cheating is absolutely unacceptable and should be addressed with him immediately.

More real talk: you are straight up ignoring your husband and then getting mad when he calls you out on it. If rolls were reversed, you work opposite shifts and he was spending all his free time on a passion and no time with you…you’d be wondering about his fidelity too and asking this group if he is cheating. This group would do what they normally do and say he probably is so leave him…that you deserve a man that invests in you too…not just a passion. It’s completely fine to have a dream and work towards it but is that dream more important than your husband every day? Are you willing to lose him by making it more important than him every day? There is obviously an imbalance on time spent that needs corrected if you want this marriage to continue.

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Cheaters think others cheat
Liars accuse others of lying
Thieves worry about their belongings….
And so it is….

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What do you photograph in the dark of night? Every night?!? 10p-7am…strange hours for a photographer. Do u work in daylight hours at all?

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I’m sorry. I don’t have any good advice. But it’s HIM. Not you. And if I were you, I wouldn’t stop doing what you love and are passionate about. Not alot of people can do what they’re passionate about. It sounds like your husband really needs to get his head out of his ass!!! This also sounds like a control issue.

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Unless you have cheated on him while taking pictures and he knows this, I dont see how he would think youre cheating while working? Is he insecure and weird or are you a cheater? Either way, a therapy session would probably do wonders for you guys

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Do you do this after every shift? Are you absent all the time? Did it start with your never around to escalating to cheating? If those are yes then you need to find more time with your husband. If they are no then the issue is him and that is a reg flag

Red flags . He’s insecure for sure. I was w someone like this first it was I couldn’t go anywhere , then I had to have his mom chaperone just to go get gas or groceries, Dr appts as well had to have a person w me, them I couldn’t wear shorts or makeup, next it was body inspection which was humiliating to see if I slept w anyone, mind u I wasn’t allowed to leave the house, he would lock the doors and windows form the outside so I couldn’t go outside w my kid, we lived in the sticks , he worked across the street, then when I could go outside he would take fishing wire and line the front of the house so if I went into the front yard he would know, he stalked me at work at a rest home , so I had to quit bc of him, he would take the landline out from the outside so I had no phone. This is how it starts . I married him for two years before he started this stuff was together for 7. After I had my baby otw home from the hospital he hit me for the first time bc he said when his fam came to the hospital I was talking to his brother for too long at the hospital in front of his family everyone was in there. It got to were when we would drive around I had to look at the floor. If I looked up I’d get hit. When I tried to leave him he tried to kill me . I had to have a police escort to the shelter . He made my life a living hell. I left the state w judge permission he came 23 times each time he was arrested. He was later diagnosed schizophrenic and bipolar. He’s dead now he drowned himself in March bc of the voices. We were young mental illness doesn’t always set in w young men it’s late 20s. I had tons of counselling bc I couldn’t even do simple things like go to a store or drive without having a full blown panic attack. I lived on fear . Through all their counselor s I learned a few things ab cdv and this what ur talking AB is the start! U have to make it clear he is not going to control u. If u let him it will get worse. Ur making a living . Get out now. This is how it starts. It’s emotional abuse.

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He has issues. Don’t let them become your issues. Right now it’s photography, if you give it up it will be something else. Don’t lose yourself because he is insecure.

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I’m sorry what WHYYYYYYYY why stay with someone like that?!? Unless you want to live a toxic life dealing with this everyday then drop him like a bag of rocks and do what u wanna do

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Sounds toxic maybe you should move on don’t give up your dreams for someone else you need to take care of you first

You need to get creative with your time. Dedicate 3 or 4 days a week to your husband and 3 or 4 days to your passion. It is important to care for your partner, but if you are not allowed to do the things that bring you joy then resentment will build between the two of you. If things continue seek out marriage counseling. You need to learn to compromise and so does he. However compromise means something different to everyone.

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Do what makes you happy :blush:

This sounds like he’s controlling and it sounds very toxic. I’d run for the hills.

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It is not normal for “the love of your life” to be controlling, jealous, and manipulative. All of which he is….

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:triangular_flag_on_post: :triangular_flag_on_post: :triangular_flag_on_post:
Get you a man who supports the heck out of your dream, not crush it!

My husband works 60 hours a week & then shows up at my business to spend time with me & help out!

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Drop him quick and pursue your passion. You will never be happy with a man like that.

Tell him to come and help you out or just do your thing.

No. That’s so controlling and manipulative. It’s just the beginning of him isolating you away from the things you love. If you stay, you will lose more. He will be jealous of your family, your friends, your job, your hobbies, your accomplishments, your children, and whatever else you love. He will drag you down until you are just the shell of the person you were and who you want to be. These are just the first signs, the red flags. They are there for a reason. Listen to them. If he loved you, he would support your passions. Period. Run and don’t look back. Pour your soul into your photos!

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If he can’t respect your education and your career. Huge red flag, that will not get better

I used to be him. Idk why but I always felt like my husband was cheating. I once woke up at 4am just to follow him on his way to work. Finally he had enough and demanded I go see a therapist. Best decision ever. Turns out I have anxiety disorder (OCD) and got on medication. Within 2 months all feelings of him cheating went away. I once felt maybe it wasn’t the medicine helping but me so I quit. 3 months later I was miserable thinking of him with another woman. So my suggestion to you would be to have patience and get him to accept he has a problem and t go talk to his family Dr.

My husband encouraged me to leave work to try and start my own business :heart: it has been over a year and I only make enough to cover groceries and he still supports me because he knows it’s my dream

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Control freaks won’t change unless they want to , in my experience, he just got worse. I finally gave up on him.

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If he can’t support you & your dreams then he’s not the right person for you.

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Lot of red flags there; seems like he has a lot of potential to turn into an abuser.

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A husband who thinks you are cheating all of the time is a big Red Flag!

Why don’t you sleep immediately after work so you two can spend some time together and use 1 day off for your photography?

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Why do you work midnight hours as a photographer?

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He sounds very controlling. One who always thinks you are cheating is a big red flag.

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Why do u work so late doing photography??? That makes NO SENSE. Anyway…the only advice you’re gonna get on here is to leave him. That’s all the advice people on here know how to give. Like it’s that easy :joy: ask him to go to therapy and work on himself.

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:man: is a walking red flag. R U N.

Go take pictures. He is not being reasonable.

Sometimes love isn’t enough. A partner should support your growth not hold you back. I can understand is photography took over your life and he was asking for more time together but you accuse you of cheating whenever you have a shoot is emotionally and mentally abusive behaviour. I would recommend counselling to see what is making him feel that way as he may had scars from his past but if he’s not willing to do the leg work then please don’t be held down for the rest of your life.

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Manipulative and controlling… love doesn’t do that. He is not the love of your life if he is making you choose between him and work, love is support and mainly trust, he also does not trust you… sorry to say but that man ain’t worth it, you could be so much happier alone doing your passion ,stress free…

A person who doesn’t support your dreams & trust you 100% is not the love of your life.

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That’s a huge red flag. My advice choose you.

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Haven’t you ever heard that the one that’s accusing you of cheating is usually the one doing it. If you are not ready to give up on him then you need to sit him down and explain how he is making you feel. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing then you have your answer and you can move on. Anyone that truly loves you will be happy for you and support you no matter what.

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My ex husband always accused me of cheating when in fact he was the cheater! Once a cheater always a cheater.

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Haven’t even been married that long and already the signs are there its call control so imagine what your marriage is guna be like in 5yrs time ,Oh take my advice when a man is constantly pointing his finger at you for cheating its usually because he’s guilty why? Cos he’s the one cheating :roll_eyes:

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The zoo is a date place?

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He’s an insecure person at best and possibly a cheater who is projecting. Leave him.
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Red flag. He is probably the one cheating. You do you sis

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Umm that’s a big red flag. If he can’t trust you or get help for his insecurity where does that leave you? What’s next you can’t go out to lunch with a friend? Can’t go to the store alone? Have to update him on your every move? Download a tracker on your phone? I know that sounds extreme, but this is how it starts. If you show him he can control you it’s going to snowball. This is HIS problem. You keep doing you, do not let a man keep you from your dreams you’ll regret it forever. He needs help or he needs to shut up.

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Country music is obviously the answer here, if you leave you’ll hear “You’ll Think of Me” by Keith Urban, and if you stay eventually your gonna be hearin “I Miss Me More” by Kelsea Ballarini

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Always choose your passion. Your partner should be supporting what you want and motivating you to go out and do it. If he can’t do that he is not the one. Coming from someone who has been there and wishes I would of choose my passion over a guy.

Usually if someone is accusing one of cheating it’s because they are themselves

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Leave him most likely he is the one cheating. Thats why he keeps saying your cheating. If he was doing this before you got married you shouldnt have married him. Its time for you to leave.

His attitude is being controlling and abusive. As a partner, he should support your hopes and dreams. If he’s not there for you, he’s not good for you. Never back down and depend on a man financially. It’s only going to bring you down and fill you up in a :package:.

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If he’s not supportive and doesn’t trust you, he’s not the love of your life. He’s manipulative and controlling.
Also, when someone accuses you of cheating when you haven’t given them a reason to, that usually mean they’re cheating. You can do better. And the zoo is a date place? Damn, then people are dating their kids. He has issues. You deserve so much better.

Makung you feel guilty does not mean he’s cheating. He’s lonely and wants to spend time with you. Set a day aside for photography. Share your photos. Just just t every day. And like you’ve done always welcome him along

Ummm. Why is he accusing you? Have you cheated before? If not, I feel like this is a red flag and sounds controlling and that he may be. As a spouse, he should support your dream and passion, not make you choose or accuse you when you’ll clearly have proof of pictures you’ve taken :woman_facepalming:t2:

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10pm to 7am for photography??? I thought people do that job during the day

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Have him come with you?

You should always be able to have both. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hate to say it because I know you love him but it’s not right what he’s doing. Would you ever even dream of treating him like that if he wanted to go out and pursue his dream? I bet you wouldn’t. Good luck and follow your heart, he may not be the one but it will take time for you to see that. Or, if you really want to try and make it work maybe one of you could switch shifts and/or discuss couples counseling. Hang in there❤

Bunch of red flags here. Choose your passion .if you choose what u think is the love of your life u will find out sooner than later he isn’t all that and regret leaving your passion. As hard as it may be now run away and don’t look back!

Since when did the zoo become a date place and not a family fun event lol

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Thats horrible. Thats just too much to deal with. Stick with your passion and let your insecure partner go.

Oh good gravy lose the dude. And make a living with what you do, no man should dictate that passion.

Don’t ever give up your passion or anything that makes you happy because a of an insecure man. That’s a problem he needs work on himself rather than take it out on you. If he doesn’t support you then he’s not it. If he’s not all about helping you in your passion then he’s not it. He cares about himself and himself only. He sounds very manipulative and controlling. He needs to work on his own insecurities and better himself rather than take his problems with himself out on you. Don’t ever think you have to choose between your passion and a man because a real man that loves and supports you will support your dreams.

It sounds to me like your husband needs to see someone, professionally. Assuming you’ve given him no reason to think you’re cheating, he may be dealing with past trauma, from a previous relationship. You shouldn’t have to give up your marriage or your profession. Most everyone works, schedules don’t always line up.

Are you getting paid for your photography or is it voluntary? If it is voluntary, cut your hours to spend more time with him. Can either of you look for work with similar hours? Can you set a limit of, say 2 years, to change your situation by that deadline so you have a finite time to deal with this and then you can look forward to spending more time awake together?

Can you plan mini vacations together so you have some continuous time together?

Can you find time to talk to a marriage counselor? Online visits might work, and you can have separate appointments at times if that helps? Can you show him your finished photos & say something interesting about the shots so he can be more engaged with your passion? Ten minutes, don’t drone on forever. Do you ask him about his work and if anything interesting happened at his workplace? How much do you understand about his work and passions? Is he jealous that you have a passion (photography), so it sounds like your passion is going to that instead of him?

This sounds like emotional abuse. It will only get worse
Always choose you. Always.

never heard of a zoo being a date place but ok. lmao Your dude is insecure. Its not going to go away on its own. suggest therapy