Do "we" let my bonus sons bio mom back into his life or not?

That’s his mother and you should be encouraging a relationship.

Hes 12yo and doing well in your care. You are his parents…biological or not…youre the only stability he has ever known and court gave you full custody.
Your son has said no contact…he has that right. Dont force him. If she decides to go to court he will have his say and she will lose any chance of him changing his mind

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I would ignore her and definitely not force the issue with your son. However I would contact an attorney ASAP to make sure that you have all your ducks in a row if she does come at you for anything!

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Let her take you to court. I know in the state I live in a child can testify at 12. He’s old enough to know what he wants. Also that is his legal father of his name is on the birth certificate. So he has more rights than you think.

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Every one makes mistakes and I no it’s gotta be tough on everyone but at the end of the day that women carried him and birthed him he’s upset understandable and I get why he doesn’t want to see her if you think she is clean why not start with like a dinner have her come over break the ice support their relationship maybe even do family counseling and one thing is forsure I wouldn’t talk negative about her around him because he might base his feelings on what you say I get that she has made some bad choice’s bit that is still her son his blood a connection to this earth I’m not saying have her come live with you or him go stay with her I’m asking for a dinner or meet somewhere for them to talk face to face and you would be there to support be a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen n give positive advice to but you gotta at least try to be the bigger person

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Contact a lawyer…if there is a legal visitation agreement in place there could be reprocussions to not allow her to see him. However he is 12 and old enough to know what he wants, but things need to be done legally for the benefit of all parties involved.

Sounds like the number one person that matters already answered his parents. :heart::heart::heart: He set a boundary with a person that has hurt him repeatedly. The risk doesn’t out weigh the benefit. Maybe start with written contact filtered through his safe people. Good luck to your family.

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Don’t force him to have any type of relationship with her. He knows who’s there for him and who wasn’t. He remembers his bio mom doing that around him. Since he is on the birth certificate (even though he was proven not to be the bio dad) he is legally responsible for this child.

What is a bonus mom? Its not rare to get custody if not the birth father. Since he is on the birth certificate and no other father is in the picture nor contesting it whom else was the judge to give it to? I let my son make that decision when he was 11. I told him he was old enough to make that decision. But i never had to sit him down and tell the “necessary” things as you called it. Parents putting another parent down only hurts the child. Even if it is the truth. Especially when they decide they want to know them. But worried to because of what the other parent told them. My son bio dad was a addict but it was not my place to tell my son that. Parents will never learn until its too late. People make mistakes people changes. Than when a child has been told nothing but bad about the other it only hurts the kid. Cuz as a kid they only know mom n dad. They arent mature enough to understand that type stuff. If this woman does and has changed. It only makes the other parent look bad. Parents will never learn. Putting down another parent to a kid only hurts the kid. The bullshit he knows his mom did drugs infront of him. Bullshit kids dont know unless they was told. He knows what you told him. So basically he being raised by neither of his real parents? So his opinion is based on what you n your hubby has told him of the whys? Making his not wanting to see her on your n your hubby’s words. This is so going to bite you both in the ass when he becomes a adult and figure things out himself. And realizes his opinions of his mom has been what you 2 told him. No matter what happens to a kid they always have a internal desire to know their actual parents. People do change some dont stay on drugs all their life. If she has and he sees that later in life its going to bite you all in the ass. People think they are protecting the child and when they become adults and see a different person they dont respect what you did and tgey could of built a relationship with the bio parent but due to what you told them they chose not to. Smh He is old enough to learn these things on his own. You should encourage him to see her but if he dont want to than respect that. Than he could learn on his own about his mother and made the decision from learning it on his own. People can blah blah blah all they want for themselves but its not about you and your hubby opinion. Him choosing not to is because of your opinion. That one day will bite you both in the ass and distance him later in life especially if she truly has changed. My mom did this when i was a kid bout my dad. I thought i hated him because of what she told me. As a adult i got to know him and he was nothing like she said he had changed for the better. Him n i have a nice relationship because eventhough not raised by him i feel comfortable around him because you see how similar you are to them and its a natural feeling. What it did do was make me angry with my mother. Cuz i could of gotten to know him sooner but made my choices from her words. If she has changed and when he is a adult and realizes people make mistakes and can change and that your words stopped him. It will make him distant from you. Parents never learn talking bad about the parent is about you not him. Encourage him to get to know her. Than if she goes back to being a addict he sees it himself and he makes that choice. If he dont want to you at least tried to get him to know her. When he does and he will when he us older its going to bite u in the ass. You will see i lived it. I dont 100% trust my mom because of the game she played for her needs of hating my bio dad. I let my son decide from age 11 was there for him when his bio dad let him down. But at least he made the choice from his interactions with him. Not from words said by me.

Let him have time to think and feel , when he is ready if ever then . It’s almost just a disruption at this point

You may be able to have her rights terminated due to abandonment. The law in my state is 6 months without any contact. Also, he should be of age or getting really close to it to where he can decide and a court will take his wishes into consideration. I would let sleeping dogs lie unless she attempts to pursue then would absolutely lawyer up. Wouldn’t go so far as to say she doesn’t have a leg to stand on, she is still the bio mom and the courts are changing their views as they have determined “drug abuse” to be an actual medical/mental health disorder. I would suggest that you try to stay out of it as much as possible. I don’t know why you haven’t filled a petition to adopt. You maybe should’ve tried to do that while she was active in her addiction.

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He’s twelve, he doesn’t want to see her then he doesn’t have to see her. Respect his wishes.

Be very careful because as his bio mom, she has every right and if she can prove 100 percent she is doing good the boy would go back with her in court

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He’s old enough to make his own decision. My father was in and out of my life and it was exactly around 12-14 I began to push him away and want nothing to do with him. One time I agreed to see him and it’s because he bribed me with something I wanted so I took the bait. But realized after wasn’t worth it.

It should be up to him, the judge would listen to him if it went to court

Thats not your call. Let him say what he want to do

If he wants nothin to do with his bio mom, then don’t force it on him to see her. She chose drugs over her son and that’s on her. He’s 12. He’s old enough to make that decision.

Hi there …
She is bio mom…
You shouldn’t step into a place your not truly welcome to step into…
you can’t take her rights unless you start the process of taking her rights after she has made contact. In my state it’s not abandonment if they just make a phone call or buy a sandwich… I don’t like people like you who want to take a mother’s rights away.

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I know in the state of wv, 6 months is considered abandonment. Look up the child abandonment laws in your state.

I would talk to a lawyer with your son present and see what your options are legally. I would respect his decision and let him choose. I also fear for his safety if she were to relapse.

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Hes old enough to say what he wants she abandoned him for years so you should be able to have her rights taken just make sure that’s what you son wants 100%

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Don’t let her be inconsistent in his life. Let her prove herself and she can take you to court.

If she does try to bring you back to court they will listen to him. From age 11-13 they listen to the child and at age 14 whatever the child says is what happens (in my state, you may need to look up your state)

Honestly she has already done enough damage to him! Emotionally/mentally I wouldn’t put him back through that. She hasn’t seen him in how many years nor contacted him nor financial helped in any way, sounds to me like you and dad should terminate her rights completely and adopt him.

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My biological mother lost custody of me before I turned 2. My biological grandma and step-grandpa adopted me. (I call both my mom and dad) She had been in and out of rehab and prison practically since I was born. They kept it a secret from me for many years until one day I put 2 and 2 together and realized she wasn’t my sister but was my biological mother.
The difference in these situations is that I wanted a relationship with her. She had my brother and sister and I wanted to be close to them all. I witnessed so many things when I was with her but I think my parents did the right thing in allowing me to see and visit her.
She got clean several times. Even became house mother at the half way house she was living in. She married into a family that was big in the church. Of course, all of this was short lived.
As the years progressed I still wanted to know her but I knew she’d never be my mother. I just thought maybe I could change her or help her. That never happened.
I allowed her an opportunity to know her first granddaughter. Never alone but would meet up for lunch on occasions.
Before the birth of my second child, I cut all ties with her. We’re friends on Facebook and may say happy birthday or merry Christmas but that’s it.
Like I said, the difference here is that I wanted her to be apart of my life. Mainly cause I thought I could save her. My parents wanted me to learn who she was on my own. I knew who she was from a young age but I still thought things could be different.
If he wants nothing to do with her, I’d honor that. If you do think she’s clean, maybe meet up with her without him and see for yourself. You could always come up with a plan that is yalls rules and if she truly wants a relationship with him then she’d follow those rules. She’d have to earn that respect and trust again and that could take years.

I would definitely meet up with a lawyer just to discuss current events so it can be documented as such, Just in case. That would also help y’all be better prepared and give peace of mind.

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Well this was tough to read and very triggering for me because this is almost exactly how our sons relationship with his bio mom is a few details are different but very similar experience. Our son wants. Nothing to do with his mother she left him 3 time between 1.5 -11 he now has been only in his life 4 years he’s so hurt by her he literally wa to nothing from her his consoler told us its not healthy or best for him to have contact if he doesn’t want it we’ve has to have him but into some serious therapy to help him cope all the while she claims we kept him from her blah blah blah well I’ve now adopted my son she didn’t show to the hearing and now posy all over social like my son wants to be in her life but he’s not allow. We also kept the door open for him giving him the right to close it of he wanted to and slammed that door. I personally wouldn’t force him if it’s bit what he wants she not his parnet you and his daddy is you guys soi d like tour doing amazing I would blow her off or seek a lawyer for legal advice…also if you haven’t thought about it you can also adopt him and you both become his legal parents dad already has custody your married tou. An file to adopt right now and take the rights for her to file and make his life he’ll also this allows then to have an open honest relationship while you guys have the legal rights to him so if it goes poorly you can pit a stop to it all or just keep her at bat until he’s to an age he’s ready or wants to speak to her my son wrote his mom off he’s 14

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I would like to know what state you’re in? I work at a law firm. I’m a paralegal for family law.
You can try stepparent adoption, she might fight it but the judge will take his (the child) opinion and her history of neglect into consideration.
Do not force him into something he doesn’t want and has expressed he does not want. The fact that he wrote her a letter says a lot about how he feels.
Definitely don’t force it.
If I were you, I would let your husband speak to her and explain to her that her presence is affecting the child and she should give him space. Space for him to think. When and if he is ready to speak to her, not even have a relationship, but just have a conversation, he will seek her out. Until then, you, husband, and bio mom should respect his decision.

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The question is, do you know how she is doing in her life right now or anything about her? Does your son know he is adopted

I guess depending on the judge and the state, if the bio mother is truly sober there is a high probability that a court will grant her visitation. It’s always the goal to reunite biological parents with their children. This can mean just supervised visits or can mean shared physical custody. I would definitely keep sending your son to therapy to help him work out his feelings. It’s ok to be mad, hurt and sad. As a child we don’t understand why our parents decide what they do. I think the ultimate goal should be to have a relationship with bio mom eventually. As long as she’s sober. What people do when they are high is not who they are. It sucks as it affects us and everyone around us. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully one day your son can look past her mistakes and want to see her. Honestly there are no guarantees either way.

I wouldn’t force a relationship whatsoever. She would have to go through the proper Chanels to get any type of visitation or custody. My children’s biological father hasn’t been involved in over 7 years and he would have to do the same. I would never push my kids to do something against their will with someone they’ve experienced so much trauma with. She should have to work and earn her way back, not just randomly show back up with expectations. Absolutely not.

I battle this same issue and I refuse to believe anything they have to say…my ex is a hard addict and a narcissist and until my girls are grown I will protect them especially since he is only allowed supervised visits. Allowing contact will most likely uproot all the progress made and be very stressful …also have battled this too. If she’s truly sober and wants to see him she can take you guys to court. Good luck momma!

Keep her away. Protect your son. He needs you to advocate for him.

Court. He is old enough to decide where & who he wants to live with. Talk to a family law lawyer. Take your son too so he can say in his own words.

Unless the court terminated her rights they do have a leg to stand on. Its not your or your husband’s decision. Let it go to court then. If you didn’t bother to file abandonment charges they absolute have the legal right.

Honestly you and your husband take care of him biological parents or not. Your husband did exactly what was needed to help with him. And her I don’t think you should let her back in his life if he tells he doesn’t know any anything to do with her than so be it.

This is literally the EXACT SAME THING WE WENT THROUGH!!!
Age taken and all, he is now 11 almost 12. And we would NEVER, and i mean NEVER for the sake of MY child let her back in. People do change but the amount of mental anguish she put our son through, it’s not worth it.
In my state(sc) there is a 6 month abandonment law, stating that if the child has received no financial, physical or attempts to make “substantial” contact/support we had more than all the grounds to file TPR. Sc is also a mothering state- every person in dss and system tried to give him back to her, even without her completing proper court ordered classes/contact.
As soon as we got a lawyer dss had to contact them and only them. 2 years later(due to her not showing up to court and being arrested multiple times for child support) we finally got TPR granted & i was able to legally adopt him.

A child born into a marriage is part of that marriage. Son is old enough to call some shots. Id probably offer her to come to my house, my grounds, my terms, with a set time limit. If not a neutral location but wouldn’t leave son alone until he’s ready.

I would just tell her that you spoke to him about it and he does not want to see her. That you support his decision. He is doing fine, please do not contact us again.

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What does the son want? Around 12 / 13 the courts begin to recognize what the child wants. If he wants to see her then let him. If he doesn’t then don’t. If she’s a shit person he will figure it out eventually

If he doesn’t want contact, he has that right. If you guys have sole custody, she would most likely have a hard time getting any type of rights due to the reasons she’s lost them. Idk about your state but where I live, he is old enough to state in court he wants no contact from her and no relationship. If he is in therapy for his trauma, that can be used to help his situation. If she continues, you can press harassment charges since he has asked her already to stop contact as long as she doesnt have any custodial rights.

At 12 he’s old enough legally speaking to decide he doesn’t want time with her. It can’t and shouldn’t be forced on him. I’d be honest with her and tell her that. While she’s sober and wants that the pain for him is still there and her being sober doesn’t make it go away. Support whatever he wants 1000%. Also I’d recommend trying alanon for you and possibly your son too. It teaches you healthy ways to interact (or not and support that) the addict in your life. Even though she’s currently sober she’ll be an addict the rest of her life.

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Let her take you to court. They will look at your sons therapy & most likely speak with him & aim betting they won’t side with her. She’s done to much damage & now she’s gotta face the consequences of her own actions.

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Whatever decision you make do it with the best of intentions.

Ask his counselor and get a lawyer. In many states 12 is old enough for him to decide visitation

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We are in the exact same position and we asked that a plan be put in place for the bio mom she has to complete drug classes and parenting counseling etc then start with supervised so she can get to know our girls again if that’s what they want it’ll take a year ours will never be clean that long tho
In your case if that’s your sons choice let him continue speaking with a counselor but other than something similar I agree she does not have a leg to stand on and I’d say if she can even afford court she needs to go and prove she’s clean to them and start slow in some programs so you guys and your son can work up believing her

In order for her to not have any rights or visitation, court should have already been involved at some point over those years in order to take those rights away and for you to adopt the child. Unfortunately, now that she is ‘back’ she does have ‘rights’ and will likely be granted at least supervised visits until it can be determined she is at a point to have unsupervised. Judges may take into account the wishes of the child, but typically advocate for parental involvement regardless of the wants of a minor child.

It’s shaky ground that you’re on because neither of you are biological parents. The state is generally happy to have someone step up to play father though and be financially responsible for that child when no bio dad can be found so I wouldn’t worry about your husband losing those rights, but the mother CAN go to court and force visitation as most states support reunification with parents regardless of how the child feels. A guardian ad litem would likely be assigned to the case and more than likely would support visitation beginning with a shorter time frame and gradually increasing that visitation time. One afternoon a week for a few weeks, 2 afternoons a week for another few weeks gradually leading up to overnight visitation. All in the effort to re-establish a relationship, there was trauma and neglect in the past so it also would probably require her to be supervised in the beginning as well.

While your son SHOULD have a say in who he has a relationship with, he doesn’t always have a say beyond what he tells the GAL that he is comfortable with but even then that does not guarantee that the GAL wouldn’t decide in the end what THEY think is best for the child.

So be his advocate, but also remember that court MAY not go the way you hope.

Your questions are for a free consultation at s lawyers office.

Definitely don’t force it, that can cause issues. He’s old enough to make decisions for himself and the best thing to do is support his decision. My parents got divorced when i was 16, my mom had custody of me(my dad didn’t even fight anything custody wise) my mom said it was up to me whether i had a relationship with him she supported whatever my decision was 100%. Im 34 and still have no relationship with my dad. Encourage yes, but force absolutely not!

Leave it up to your son.

If she has no leg to stand on she cant do anything anyhow.

If she has an issue and is trying to force him to see her knowing he dont want to then she obviously doesnt have his well being in mind. Which from my eyes means she dont deserve to see him anyhow.

Id ignore her.
Take action on if necessary because like you said she doesnt have a leg to stand on…

Don’t force him but I would get an attorney

Don’t force him. Let her take you to court. He’s old enough to have his input and be heard by the court.

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My son had the same exact situation but it’s his daughter and he is the dad…got custody and all she does not see her bio mom

He is old enough to make that decision. If he doesnt want to see her, well… thats honestly her fault. I would just ignore her, honestly. Yall sound like really great parents to him!!

Honestly, I’d leave it up to your son. He’s old enough to make the decision.

He is the bio dad as far as court is concerned because he’s on the birth certificate. Don’t force him to have contact with her. He will probably want to, at least meet her, when he’s older.

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Do not force him to see her. Let her go to court. He is old enough to be heard in court. Next step restraining order if she continues to bother him.

Don’t… she will do it again and it will just ruin your guys relationship

Yikes, I’m having deja vu. But she went to jail for dealing drugs.
While the lawyers are expensive, it really doesn’t matter what she wants, the courts will make her jump through hoops; psych evals, drug testing, parenting classes. All so she could start having only supervised visitation.

DO NOT start any contact or communication without the courts involvement or you’ve given you’re consent and the ball is back in her court.
Our Biomom did absolutely nothing to get back in her sons life, other than stalk him and use other half siblings to contact him.
When he became an adult and moved away his wife who wanted to separate him from our family initiated contact with her and convinced him to establish a relationship.
Needless to say it was a huge disaster and they are now divorcing.

If your son doesn’t want to see her then that should be the end of the conversation. That boy has every right to not see someone who traumatized him. I feel for your boy because I was the same with my father. I ended up finally seeing him and he brought drugs into my early adult life which lead me down a horrible path. Listen to your baby. Tell her to move on with her life. She’s hurt him enough.

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Keep that baby in with a good counselor for awhile and don’t force it. In fact, I wouldn’t bring it up. Keep him busy. It sounds like you guys are really all that he needs. That’s really awesome of both you and your husband to step up like that. We need more people like you two in this world!!!

What I’ve seen with the little girl I’m raising is the contact will not go any further. Don’t answer phone calls or call her back. Let her threaten with court. Keep your lives ( your lives). We’ve seen it off and on with the little girl we’re raising. Bio Mom will forget. Drugs, alcohol and her freedom makes her forget about her child. Keep being Mom and Dad. You are a family. You have witnesses. You have medical proof. School record’s .

I would consult with an attorney and let her know that you did so and let her know how the son feels . And after that basically ignore her.

Most states, if she didn’t have contact with him physically in 18 months it is abandonment!

Have u ever legally adopted this child yourself? If not, that would be something to help you all in this. Cease any contact w her & Get a lawyer to file a cease and desist order, and legal adoption. Then have the lawyer send her a letter than when the boy is 18 he can decide then if he wants to get to know her. Right now he is a child about to be a teenager, and that is confusing enough without having this woman bounce in and out of his life.
Keep all records of any contact she has or will attempt.
I am guessing that she is bluffing about taking you all to court, but get a step ahead of her in case.
And make sure the boy is never out of your sight… If she ran off w him once, she would again whether she is sober or not.

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I would say he is at that age he can choose. If he wants nothing to do with her then that is his choice and please don’t force him. Let him know it’s okay to be angry, he has every right to be. Make sure he knows if he decides he wants to try to mend things with her and he wants to give her a chance that is also his choice and that is fine as well you guys can help him set something up. If he choses to then maybe do supervised visits. That way he is more comfortable and knows he is safe and can leave as soon as he’s ready.

I got to the part where you son said he wants nothing to do with her!! THAT IS ILGOS CHOICE and definitely old enough to make it! I would say no and sand strong by your sons choices. He will tell you when he is ready to meet her

You can terminate rights as long as you pick up the legal responsibilities (obviously not a problem) after 6 months of no contact you can look into filing abandonment of a child

It’s your son’s choice. He stated he doesn’t want anything to do with bio mom so she needs to understand. Maybe one day he will want to but not now and that’s ok. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. It’s her turn to be patient and stop being selfish.

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He is old enough to make that decision. Let her take you to court… Have your son tell the judge how he feels. That way it should be easy. She loses and you all can move on. I certainly wouldnt force him.

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I feel he’s old enough to make his own decision! she decided to abandon him for drugs! I feel she lost all those rights to him… besides, he already has parents that love him and take care of him and have been there and have never abandoned him.
Screw her… let her take you guys to court… She’ll just look like scum anyway.

If his son feels that way without any pressure from anyone, then let it be, let her take him to court!
Just remember she does have a leg to stand on actually two,she is his mother!
Keep in mind she can keep document and records of her attempts, just as well as y’all can!

When the the father had his name put on that birth certificate and stepped up he gained full rights to that kid so stop worrying about him not being the “bio dad” respect your son’s wishes. You can request rights terminated but if she’s actually clean and sober you may not succeed depending on her situation. I honestly wouldn’t go that route personally. He should be old enough to make his decision so I wouldn’t worry about her taking you to court. He obviously has made his decision and made it clear to her

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Let him decide if he wants to see her. Then its not yall keeping them away from each other but his decision

I would ignore her. I doubt she’d follow through and actually take you to court. Your son should get a say in who is in his life. As far as terminating rights I would only bother with that if you want to legally adopt him and then I would get with an attorney since that could get messy.

At this point (at least where I’m at) she would have no rights and the judge will laugh in her face, also at his age the judge would take his view into consideration and she would be asked to leave you alone or risk harassment charges. He is old enough and has enough facts to make his own decisions on the matter he says he wants nothing to do with her don’t force him to deal with her, she made her bed now she has to lie in it weather or not she is clean would only be relevant if he wanted her around. As a parent you have to trust your gut but at his age also trust his, if he’s getting bad vibes about her there is a reason, you could maybe ask him about it but I don’t suggest pushing one way or another, also just to have it on record I would have made copies of both her letter to him and his reply in case she did ever try to test the water (but that’s also just me coming from a home where we had custody battles for my brother for years and learned documentation is the make it or break it for any case)

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I am literally went through this exact same situation, raised three three of my husband‘s kids he has custody of, because the mom was a drug addict. When I came into the picture she had been in prison, on drugs, one of the children was born addicted to drugs, etc. when the oldest child was eight we decided to cut off contact. At the time my husband thought she was doing better, but the kids were telling me otherwise, and things were just getting dangerous. So they have no contact for eight years. Then then all of a sudden we get a letter in the mail saying that we’ve been with holding the kids from her. Which was ridiculous because the original court order she wasn’t even supposed to have unsupervised visits. she had been in a drug program four years after she got busted dealing with her other kids in the car, we agreed to let the kids see her as long as they were going to counseling together, and that I was present at the time. So we would meet up places throughout the week so they could spend time together. The oldest daughter did not want to go, I basically had to convince her to go and give her mom a chance. But the whole time she wasn’t into it. Then after a while she started making strange comments to her daughter, at one point she said she was in contact with them to help her with “HER” drug recovery, she kept repeatedly asking her daughter if she was gay, even though that was a sensitive subject for her. Since they were little the mother had joined A church, why I’m saying that is because she was definitely against it. It got to a point where I had to talk to her about it and asked her politely please stop asking her it’s making her uncomfortable. She agrees, and asks if she can spend some time with the daughter alone we agree, because it was only going out to lunch. On that day she she proceeded to tell her daughter that her older son at one point thought he was gay after being raped so she had her older friend have sex with him when he was 14!! My daughter got really freaked out, and told her you know that’s rape right??!! The mother just brushed it off oh no he wanted to do it. So the daughter comes home she tells me she is majorly freaked out never wants to see her again, the whole 9 yards. So obviously at this point were severely concerned, it seemed like she was grooming her. It was a very strange situation. So clearly we cut off contact. So then she takes us to court again to try to force the kids to see her. We go to court and our lawyer told our kids before hand that no matter what the judge says no one can force them to do something they don’t want to. The judge ordered they go to counseling with her, and not only that that my husband goes to counseling with her!!! And that he should be responsible for paying for his portion and half of the kids portion. Why would my husband need to go to court with her I don’t freaking know, but that’s what was ordered. This is after the judge asking her, “do you really want to force your kids to see you when they don’t want to?“ And her answer was yes. So needless to say we didn’t go to anything. We were not going to force our kids to go to anything with a psycho talking about trying to get the gay out of a 14-year-old. Why did I tell you the whole story? Don’t always buy what they’re selling!! I say respect what that child wants at all costs! I’ve never agreed with forcing a child to want to see a parent. You and your husband are his safe space. If anything I would suggest doing counseling together. That way it’s supervised. But even then you have to be careful, just because a counselor has a degree does not make them an expert. When we went to our first counseling session the kids wanted me to go inside, and the lady kept going over and over about how their dad had put her through so much, and that this was going to be good for “ HER” recovery. it was completely inappropriate. So just be cautious with everything. My kids were teenagers and a little more apt to deal with these emotions, he’s only 12. Just be really aware if you go through with it.

Id say, it’s his choice. If he says no, then it’s a no. If she wants to go to court then she can try but it won’t go well for her. I would tell her to please stop contacting you, as he doesn’t want a relationship with her and then if she continues get a restraining order maybe?

Your son has a choice she had a choice and she made it and now he has a choice and if he does not want to see her or have contact with her he should not be made to and I hope that a judge will agree with him find yourself a good lawyer that’s going to back your child! ! I would definitely ignore her and blocked her in all possible ways maybe even speak to the school about how well he is doing and her coming back into his life may destroy all that you’ve done so far

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Your son has made it clear how he feels. Respect that decision. He doesn’t need this drama.

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As an addict (several several yrs clean) I can’t help but feel for her…assuming she’s actually sober and trying.
But he’s been thru enough with her and is old enough to make this choice himself.
If she’s really sober she has to understand that there’s fallout from her yrs of addiction. Not all damage can be fixed. But her flipping shit and threatening to get the law involved isn’t indicative of her understanding that yet. Getting sober doesn’t magically fix the rest of everything. Work still needs to be done, getting sober is literally just the first step.
So what I’m getting at is even if she’s clean she’s still toxic AF for your son, just based off the whole “I’m willing to try and rip him away from a good life just so I can have my way” thing.

I want to agree with everyone that court won’t go well, but I have personal experience otherwise. Unfortunately, courts do still heavily favor birth mothers. If nothing else, she’ll get supervised visitation. You need to be seen as working with her. Send a certified letter back to her stating your son does not wish contact at this time, and you will discuss with his therapist what is in his best interest. Then actually do that. Unfortunately, this is a game you have to play.

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God, this sounds almost like our situation. My husband had 3 prior to is. We are 8+ yrs in, 4 married, 2 of our own, & I had 2 prior. So 9 total. My kids( just like you, my kids I’ve been there for the past 8+, never missed anything, met them all at ages 2+, 5,&7(3boys). Horrible mother they have, always choosing alcohol, abuse, and men (and men who have children), over my boys the whole time. Even did it before I met my husband. She destroyed them all, when I met them all, my husband too it was a mess, their nerves were shot, stressed,sad, everything you could think of, but I fell in love with them all and couldn’t walk away from the 4 of them. I needed and wanted them just as much as they did. So anywho here we are my boys are 16,13&11 , this bitch chose to walk away 4 yrs ago without a care in the world from them. Then shows up a few mths ago and feels and believes she should be able to force my boys into talking to her and seeing. Me - hell no, however 2 of them do not speak to her or except her msgs, one has tried to give her a chance a few times and she finally proved herself and how she really cares about them, still the same old careless drunk! I feel you though. Go to court again and take all rights

Adoption? I would’ve served her papers and settled that once and for all and once that was over then I can talk about whether or not he could visit her or she visit him. Petition the court. In some cases it doesn’t really cost much of anything especially since you two already established paternity over the years. That’s almost an instant win. Your son would have to speak up in court and make it clear he doesn’t want to live with her or anything like that. After formal adoption there’s nothing she can do except abide by your rules.

The only thing I can say is, do not force your son to have a relationship with her. He is old enough to make that decision. Support what he wants to do.

Been here… almost exact same situation. Except my husband is his father. We left it up to our son. He tried to get to know her, she showed her true colors. It hurt him badly. So guess what I am saying is let him decide.

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They’re going to ask ur son what his decision is regardless of what she wants anyways. Its up to him. If he doesn’t want any contact then he doesn’t want contact. Plain and simple. If she truly loved her kid she’d understand that and drop it until he’s ready for something more if he ever is.

Let him decide what he wants and stand beside him. He can tell the judge what he wants. Best wishes to you all.:pray::pray:

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Listen to him. If he does not want contact … DO NOT FORCE IT. Let him be the one to ever make the decision. If you have to get a court paper or something do so. But don’t force him to see her if he wants nothing to do with her.

My son is 5yo and I listen to what he states he wants and needs in regards to his visitation with my ex. If he says no then no it is. I support my son regardless of what my ex feels he is legally obligated to get. My son isn’t a legal obligation he a child and deserves respect and to be heard.

I’d do the same for your son as well.

One, support the child’s wishes any way you can. I would start with a great lawyer and be sure all your ducks are in a row. You state that your husband was awarded full custody, so get that document in front of a good attorney and if you haven’t adopted him, see if that is a possibility. There are states and circumstances where the birth mother would have to sign off on that. If your husband is on the birth certificate, then it doesn’t matter that he isn’t the bio…the birth certificate says he is! Get that one checked out with that attorney as well. I might check out the option to sue her for back child support if she attempts to take him to court. She obviously gave up custody whether voluntarily or not, she really doesn’t have much to stand on.

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He is getting close to a age that judges will listen to what the child wants

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In some states once a child turns 11 they can choose who they want to live with. So even if she tried taking you to court and tried to do everything she could to see him if he’s older than 11 he may already to be able to have a say in everything, legally.

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Oooh tricky. We had this problem BM hasn’t seen her kids since 2019 and the Kids want nothing to do with her… if she ever did step up then she would have to do therapy, drug tests, supervised visits and have a very slow reunification process. She would have to show that she deserves that spot back and that would only happen if kids wanted to see her. Oldest will be 13 and youngest is 11 they are old enough to know that mom putting them in bed with her men, verbal and mentally abusing them and dropping them off for week at a time at her 95 yr old grandmother without a word is wrong. They remember the things she did and over my dead body will they see her unless they are comfortable. I have fought for them and their safety since day one… if they wanted to see her and she was doing well then ya I would support that all day long but until kid says they want to see parent then respect those wishes.

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If his name is on the birth certificate, he is the legal father.

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he is old enough to decide whether he wants anything to do with her or not & since he doesn’t, go with that. If she wants to bring this matter to court, let her, Just get a lawyer for your son, & let his lawyer do what he wants to do. I also am hoping you have this young by in therapy for him to have a neutral person to talk to, because this is a very heavy serious thing he will be dealing with for a long time

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He’s old enough too decide if he says “no I don’t want contact with you” that’s what the judge will go by if not supervised visits.
But have him write her again telling her the same thing copy it first so you have it for documentation date it too.
But I don’t think she’s going to get her way

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You say you have full custody. Have you, the step mom (legal term only :blush:) adopted him? Have parental rights been taken away from her or has she given up legal parental rights? If her rights have been taken away, you, as mom, should be able to legally adopt him. Problem solved. Then you can say no. All this does depend on the state in which you reside(I’ve been through similar situation). Courts usually take under consideration the wishes of an older child You may want to obtain legal advice. Better to be prepared than blind sighted. Best of luck to you and God bless.

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The son is 12 and she takes you to court most likely they will ask what he wants to do and why and will most likely be approved. Just support him and continue to do what he request as far at this and do not force it !

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Literally when he turns 13 he has the right to choose. Let it play out a little till then.