MEN ARE NOT DIY PROJECTS. You donât need to get him and remake him in to what you want. If you think a habit or attitude is cute when dating it will annoy you after 5-7 years. If it annoys you now, in 5-7 years it will make you crazy. Stop trying to remake men, accept him as you found him or donât. But stop expecting him to become someone else to suit you.
well for starters your stronger then you think. I myself stay in a dead-end marriage for 5 years, because did not think I could do it on my own. you got to realize you staying and just being is no way to live, your children well pick up on this, and sooner or later it well effect them, they know your moods, they pick up on things quick even if you donât think they do, But you need to understand that you can do this, If you are wanting out wanting a better life, wanting happiness again, you can do this, all it takes is one step, have you tried to talk to him? is that how the fights get started? all any one can do is give you suggestions you have to make the first move, and for the love of you children they do need a happier environment as well as yourself, so just think weigh your options the answers well come, and letting you know I believe you have the heart of a lioness and you are stronger then you think. oh and I did leave my 5 year marriage. ended up with a man that made up for a lot hurt in my life, he adopted my boys made them his own we had 34 years together, I lost him March of 2020, So dear lady hold your head high people do care, now the choice is yours,
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you ever just feel like you don't care anymore? - Mamas Uncut
Or you could leave and you and kids will have a better life. Kids will see mom happy. Plus the dude gets to have a life too. No point of everyone being miserable. Starting over is hard. Iâve done. But that freedom tastes good!
MEN ARE NOT DIY PROJECTS. You donât need to get him and remake him in to what you want. If you think a habit or attitude is cute when dating it will annoy you after 5-7 years. If it annoys you now, in 5-7 years it will make you crazy. Stop trying to remake men, accept him as you found him or donât. But stop expecting him to become someone else to suit you.
Deal with your addiction whatever you decide
Maybe both try sobriety?
Maybe go to therapy. If youâre an addict of course itâs effecting your children and you should be putting your children before your addiction. Kids are smart and will figure out youâre an addict if they donât already. Get help and donât give up on your children. If you wonât change for yourself do it for your kids. There no such thing as ânot really that badâ start AA meetings if you wonât start therapy.
You have to help yourself before you can be of help to anyone else. I believe in you, you can over come addiction if you truly want your soberity. If you need to talk you can always message me. I relate with you on so many levels.
Deal with the addiction first, itâs most definitely effecting your kids. The rest will fall into place how ever it is supposed to after that
If you are both addicts and you donât think it will affect your kids, you are fooling yourself. It will affect your kids, probably already has.
Get rid of the drugs, and get some help, donât raise your children in that situation.
There are lots of treatment facilities that house motherâs and their children. Look into that immediately. Saying youâre not as bad as him, while may be true, is downplaying the importance of being sober regardless of whoâs addiction is worse. Neither of you will ever be happy if there is drug or alcohol abuse going on. That kind of stuff literally steals your happiness away. You wonât produce that in your brain, you get it from the drugs or alcohol. Your kids deserve better. Time to put on your big girl panties and do whatâs right.
The sad thing about this is that so many go into a relationship trying to change the other person. We all do it but itâs kind of ridiculous. The things you donât like will only get worse for you. People mostly donât change! Not that much Anyway. The best advice is to go into dating looking for someone who already is mostly what you want, what you are looking for. No one is perfect, but will they make a good partner? Are they kind, responsible, fun⌠whatever qualities you need? Instead of finding a fixer upper find someone who is a good match. Choose wisely!
I donât understand why people always think they could change someone 
Not a single thing will change unless you both choose sobriety
WowâŚthe first issue is that yâall are addicts and you think its ânot that bad I guessâ⌠This post shouldnt be aimed around a man, it should be about how you can make a better life for your kids! If you think it wont effect them, you are sadly mistaken and cluelessâŚGet sober and do whats best for your kids! THEN you can worry about a manâŚ
Where the fuck is cps to protect these kids from the both of you?! JFC?!
Addicts will always choose their addiction over their family. Your children will not have a good life if you continue claim that it is ânot that badâ. Get help immediately or you will never be able to support them as a single mother.
You can do it on your own 
I promise. Leave him and set yourself free.
Ypu should never ever get with someone and expect to change them. People DONT change unless they want to. If you canât accept all aspects of a person, you shouldnât be with them. And yes, your kids will see how unhappy you are and expect that in their relationships.
Itâs time you put your big girl panties on and do what you feel is right for you and your kids.
A happy relationship and life in general is impossible when addiction is involvedâŚthat needs to be handled first. Thatâs why when youâre going through recovery youâre told not to date because codependency comes into play and that is toxic and enabling. I say separate, get sober, find your happiness in yourself, then if he does the same see if you want to try to rekindle but only if youâre both on the same page. Addiction and misery are both unhealthy for kids to grow up around. Also reach out to others who have overcome addiction for support and advice.
What you saw is what you got. I canât wrap my mind around trying to change someone.
I got rid of one of my addiction of 20 years thru www.celebraterecovery.com now I being almost 7 years clean n even hate that addiction n I serve as a sponsor for women who are going thru the same . Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step Chrsitian program with not just sponsors but you can also built an accountability partner team that will pray for you and yoi guys supose to become like a family. I was at denial at first n I refuse to admit that my addiction was bad but I keep on going back to the program for the yummy food n friendships that u huit n litke by litle Gid open my eyes of How bad it was n there was also people praying for me even though I didnât even ask then to . I seing more than hundreds of thousands of testimonial thru that program. It is for free n many churches have it. You can lock on the link n find a church near u with the program or a group thru zoom. It is all private
P.s. you canât change anyone only God can .
I think the OP meant they are addicted to fighting and each other, not drugsâŚThatâs how I interpreted it at least.
You really need to focus on the addiction part. What are you addicted too first of all? Second, there is help. If you get sick trying to come off of whatever youâre on, youâre an addict. If you canât go a couple days without whatever you take, youâre an addict. You really need to focus on that first, and get away from anyone who doesnât want to focus on getting better in that regard too. Including your husband. You think it doesnât affect your kids? Youâre wrong. It absolutely does. One day they will notice, and one day they could be like you both. Do you want that for your kids? This is coming from a recovering addict. Make a doctor appointment asap and get help. See if someone can take your kids for a week and go to impatient rehab. Schedule an appointment. Your relationship will never grow, you will end up in jail, you will have charges, you will get your kids taken away or dfs called, you could end up dead. Thereâs a million things that could happen, and will happen, if you donât decide to change for yourself and for your kids. I truly hope you see that and I also hope you get the help you need and leave your husband or get sober together.
Mmmm yeah time to sober up ladyâŚ
First, if youâre an addict, in anyway, get help for yourself!! If he is not willing to do the same, then you probably need to leave. Even if you get clean, and you go back with him, he will eventually drag you down that hole again. You need to think of yourself and your kids. And a life with parents fighting and doing, whatever it is youâre doing, is not a good environment.
So both of you are addicts??? Poor KIDS!!!
Talk to your kidsâŚIâll lay odds they know. Theres help out there . Get it and take your kids if he doesnât get clean.
Oh they change alright.but it is for the worst not the better.
First of all, get off what ever you both are on & get sober.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you ever just feel like you don't care anymore? - Mamas Uncut
Get yourself clean and sober. That needs to be the number 1 priority. You canât change no one but yourself, your kids need at least YOU sober. If I were you I would get sober, get a job (if you donât have one), get a exit plan and save money so that you can get a place for you and your kids. You are definitely strong enough to do all of this!
You shouldnât be in a relationship with someone you have to change. It never works
Been there done that. It does nothing for you and your children will bear the brunt of it. They know when mom and dad are unhappy and it makes them unhappy
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you ever just feel like you don't care anymore? - Mamas Uncut
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you ever just feel like you don't care anymore? - Mamas Uncut
Youâre both addicts and you donât think your kids will be affected? First of all put your kids with someone you trust. Second, get clean. If your husband wonât then separate yourself from him. Put your kids first.
You should turn your kids over to CPS because both being addicts, you CANNOT take care of them. You should leave him and go to rehab. When youre clean, you can get your kids back⌠Those kids do not deserve the life you are giving them and they will turn to drugs themselves if you dont let them goâŚ
Well, for starters, if youâre both addicts you need to deal with that. A healthy relationship will never exist side by side with addiction. Once that issue is taken care of, some of what youâre feeling may naturally improve, or at least it will be easier to fix and repair what needs work.
Getting sober can make a world of a difference! That should be your #1 focus right now, and your children of course.
I grew up with a drug addict and has always affected me and that was back in the 50s there is help out there now so take responsibility for your children and think about what your doing to them.
Both of you being addicts is really hard. Your kids are aware. Get some counseling. Together/Separate but get. Fight for yourself n kids to have the best Future Possible!!
I found it hard to follow with no punctuation of any kind.
Leave himâŚif he really wants to change then the proof will be in the pudding.once hes proved that you may stand a chance together,otherwise 20yrs down the line your gonna live with what ifs n regret then it may be to late for you and your children ,love is blind but think of your childrens mental health first,then he may get better tough love is better than bitter loveâŚjust my opinion luvâŚ
If you are an addictâŚits your addiction that is causing you to feel that wayâŚadd another addict to the mix makes it even more difficult to cope withâŚseparate yourself from the addiction and fellow addicts and it starts getting much easierâŚaddiction sucks but it doesnât have to be that way
I really donât understand why guys get like this. They fool you into getting into something with them, and then they try to find the most minimal effort to put in, to maintain what they fooled you into giving out. Itâs so cowardly and lazy. Theyâll deny they do this till the end.
It is beyond hurtful. You try so hard to understand, on top of just driving the whole relationship on hope for SEVEN YEARS!! That hope will carry us girls far.
But at the end of the day, despite how hard the pill is to swallow he just doesnât want to/canât be right for you. Go and be single, itâs much better than getting hurt everyday when youâre reminded heâs not giving you the same energy. Or that he doesnât love how u love. Because when u stay in relationships that are one sided you start to lose yourself and become a shell of who you once were. Its just not worth it.
I guarantee you, youâre life after him will inherently be better without someone whoâs not on the same page as you. Less struggle and heart ache. I promise. It will take work but thereâs someone for you out there that will be willing to dedicate himself to you lovingly, honestly, and deeply. Donât give that energy to him when he clearly doesnât deserve it. You didnât arrive To this position on your own donât forget that.
The bad youâre experiencing and lamenting over is because youâve seen it and lived through it. Imagine all the good in store that you canât see because your havenât experienced it yet. Just that thought alone drives me to have a better life for myself. Good luck love
Women marry men hoping they will change and they donât, men marry women hoping they donât change and they doâŚmoral is, do not get married. Expensive to get into and really expensive to get out.
People never really change , maybe just alittle but remember what you see is what you get .
If it is really bad then you must change⌠leave .
Otherwise then realize the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence .
If you are an addict you NEED TO GET HELP those poor kids donât deserve that ! GET CLEAN GIRL BEFORE YOUR WHOLE LIFE GOES DOWN THE TUBES
Am so sorry ,I have been in one going on 10 years now , I so glad I didnât marry the nut , he doesnât know what the truth is. I HATE HIM more then life itself. Iâm so tried of fighting but he knows that I have no where to go . I stay to myself and live in my own little world. My doctor told me they will never change. I even ended up in the hospital because of him . I told him he better sleep with one eye open . Am at the point to beat the hell out of him .hang in there . How old are your children? I meant this nut on Facebook, big mistake. Donât ever date anyone on line . I hope thingâs work out for you .
You sound sad. Depressed. Might try counseling just for you. Or join different groups that do fun things. You need to get out of your run. Not sure what to mean about the word addict. Are you on drugs. If that is what you mean. You need to go get help. Thatâs probably why you feel the way you do. OR do you mean your addicted to each other. Which is difficult. Then I go back to counseling. Both are not healthy to you or the family. Prioritize your life. If you get the help you need. And the kids are healthy and happy things will start looking up.Try Going for a walk everyday to start. Just to do something different. Baby steps. Good Luck.
Youâre both addicts - your kids WILL be affected! Donât lie to yourself and your kids. Dig deep, find the strength to get well - your kids DESERVE HEALTHY, LOVING PARENTS! They donât deserve having to call an ambulance because their parents ODâ
You both need to change. Get help itâs out there. You just need to reach out.
Addiction has destroyed families. Try to overcome. Your children will benefit too.
Let the grandparents take the kids till you or both get straightened out
Good luck
Sounds like neither of you are willing to change or deal with your addictions, as bad as each other to be around the children
Yes itâs hard if one wonât put something aside for kids but if mom does the kids will have youâŚhaving you is betterâŚ
More fake made up stories, obviously same writer, similar plot. Donât waste your timeâŚunless you just enjoy these âmind games.â
If youre both addicts then you shouldnt have your kids and you shouldnt be together. Bad environment for the children and addicts just enable each other
Some punctuation would make this so much easier to read 
Join a womenâs NA or AA or Al-Anon group. Hang out for a month. If you donât like it, bail. Regardless, youâll meet folks who will say things you might profit from and youâll definitely get a lot of love and support.
Ur teaching ur children what to look for in a partner and how a relationship should be. If ur unhappy, they will grow to think itâs normal to be unhappy in a relationship. U need to fix this or leave.
You SHOULD be strong for your kids.
You do you! Start by educating yourself to make a better life for you and your kids. You may need a savings account and add what you can, when you can. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care of yourself and your kids if he wonât. If you are not happy there are other options. Never stay and put up with less than you want. Go to counseling with him. To talk about what going on because it never change if you donât
Itâs better to leave. He doesnât care. So why do you care? Leave and start a new life.
Regardless of you and your husband feelings your behaviors and addictions will mold your childrenâs futures no matter how hard you âhopeâ. Reality is what is important to change the path your children will model. If youâre ânot that badâ that shows them itâs OK. Get help and break the cycle. No child show see those behaviors let alone from their parents and believe me, they see it. You have to be the adult, take responsibility and help your children to have a future starting NOW. You know you want help because you reached out NOW DO IT if not for you for your children.
All I can say is while the âsingle Mum thingâ is hard itâs no way near as hard as fighting every day and the tension and all the rest of it. There are definitely days I consider telling him to come home for the kids sake but then I remember how it really was and Iâm like no, I canât do that again. So take from that what you will but I just think doing it all on your own anyway AND fighting with them is way too much for anyone.
Always remember it our actions not our words our children learn from. If you stay in this unhealthy relationship your children will grow up believing that is the right thing to do. Time comes to put your children first and gain your strength from your love for them and wanting the best for them. Best of luck, been there.
The Lord is the answer. Go get help and turn your life over to Jesus. He will cleanse and heal you. I feel so sorry for those children.
The first thing is that you are very BRAVE to tell everyone on this posting. Even if you have a boring marriage. Apparently, you took the vows very seriously, and who knows where he was? So, you figure out how to take care of yourself and the kids. When the kids get older then they can vent their issues. But do take the steps in improving yourself? Just maybe he might snap out of it? Or not.
Having addicted parents most certainly messes up kids lives. Please seek help and treatment.
All of the judgement on here is sickening.
Here is my advice to the OP: You gotta get your shit together and get a plan going. A rough draft, at the very least. A list of your priorities-what you want to do and how. First and foremost(IMO): Take care of your addiction. You should look in to MAT programs if this is something that you physically/mentally cannot quit âcold turkeyâ. Also-look in to a therapist to aid you in your recovery. Your recovery is NOT JUST about âI want to get clean because of my family/children/friendsâ. It is about YOU.
I know you say your addiction isnât âthat badâ but, addiction is addiction. That is a large pill to swallow, so to speak, butâŚIt sounds like you both need to get help. If he is not willing, then I would say do what is best for you and your babies and maybe work something out with your husband in the meantime. But if this were me, I would make it top priority to get clean ASAP. Get in to a program, get some therapy going, some self-care. Spend time with your babies, try a hobby (reading, drawing, yoga, etc.). I think things will fall in to perspective in a much clearer light. I can honestly say so from experience, and from fellow recovering addicts, as well. I definitely would not tell you to âGive your children up!â as so many have said. That is insane, and anyone who would suggest that obviously wouldnât know their ass from a hole in the ground. Things arenât that simple, ESPECIALLY when addiction, children, and spousal issues are all involved. You do NOT have to pack ship and go to a rehab, either, if that isnât what you want. There are so many resources out there for you. And I mean SO MANY. You just gotta put your foot down and do it. I promise you on everything I hold dearâit will be the best feeling on Godâs Green Earth to not be in active addiction anymore. To be able to function, and think clearly, to be able to justâŚLIVE your life. It is everything. And it means everything.
I also think that you should talk with your S.O. about everything. Even if you think he wonât listen-do it any way. Maybe there would be a way for you two to salvage your relationship and work together to do so, if thatâs what you both would want. I am not a fan of âstay together for the kidsâ. I think that maybe you both need to have a good long talk and figure out what you both can do not only for your children, but for yourselves, and for an ideal life that you and your babies can be happy and proud of.
I wish you the best of luck in this! You can do it!
People are so fucking stupid. Reading comprehension, people! She is saying they are addicted to eachother, not drugs. Goddamn morons.
2 addicts together is a recipe for disaster. Sorry but you have to leave for your kids sake.
First You are BEING SELFISH !!. You are a mom clean yourself up for your kids period!!..Before you get on social media asking for advice about your husband think of your kids I promise you and you junkie husband are hiding NOTHING from those kids kids are smart they pick up on everything!! I left my kids dad he was a ddict 30+ years ago took my 3 boys and left he is still a addict and has never paid a dime in child support or even bought a back pack for schoolâŚIf you want out you make it happen that single mom thing beats staying with a addict and being one yourselfâŚThe respect you will have for self and your kids will have for you is so worth it!!..So if your REALLY tired of it not just I am bored I a going to look for attention on social I mean really sick and tired of it CHANGE IT!..
If you dont leave addiction can worsen. Doit if your unhappy the kids can feel it trust me i know. Ive been there. If you ever need someone to talk to ill listen. Ive survived the worst, and can offer advice. God bless.
You are role models to your kids. They will grow up to be like you. Get off the drugs!
If you canât do something for yourself, do it for your kids!
Your headspace will change when youâre actually clear minded. Spend the money on your children, give them life experiences. Donât have them in that environment!
Sorry to b blunt. But addicts are addicts ,itâs an illness? Thatâs EFFECTED your kids from day 1đâŚ
Am addicted to coke,like a magpie to a shiny rimple. But this is my only addiction. Iâm trying to stop for my health. Please seek help xx
Get clean, things will become clear.
I dont necessarily agree that addiction should be a reason why your kids are taken away or a reason why you donât have the right to see/talk to them, especially as an addict myself. I personally choose not have children but I really donât think itâs a good reason for someoneâs kids to be ripped away from them.
And I also grew up with alcoholic father but honestly heâs a narcissistic and a bad person on or off alcohol so the addiction part doesnât matter if you are taking care of your kids and not neglecting them or being abusive at all, not doing drugs or drinking heavily in front of them etc then I donât think you should have your kids taken away but thatâs just my personal opinion. I know some people are speculating that you are referring to be codependent and either way, I still recommend therapy and you should try to get sober at least from your DOC just in case anyone tries to use that against you in the future. As you can see from the comments, my personal opinion on taking kids away from addicts, isnât a very popular one and if it did come down to the state intervening at all, Iâm worried they will try to take your kids away. Your significant other could also use that against you in the future especially if yaâll break up on bad terms.
As someone who is currently going through a break up after four years, I changed so much for my s/o and it has honestly made me feel empty and like I donât know who I really am anymore. My s/o on the other hand, has not changed at all and although I accepted that along time ago, I honestly feel like the last four years was a waste of his and my time because we just couldnât make it work no matter how hard we tried, some people just arenât meant to be together and we were also super codependent on each other and never gave each other space. We couldnât communicate and I think our âlove languagesâ are completely different. I think you should do what is best for you, it is time to be selfish and you need to do what you think is right. I know change is super scary, but just like any grieving process, it takes time and eventually you wonât even remember feeling this way, 10 years from now, you will be with the real man of your dreams and you will be so happy that you decided to take that step forward to do what is best for you.
I promise you, therapy works wonders.
Time for a visit to your Dr. & get recommendations for a therapist ~
Damn Iâm out of breath
All I heard was u saying he wonât change. . Your selfish. What did u change? Get ya head read
You need to leave. My mother did the same thing to me and my siblings, and lemme just tell you, weâre ALL fucked up from it.
Your kids will see that you dont care, they will see theres no love, they will see all the anger, resentment and hostility towards each other and all that will do is cause your kids anguish because theyre just that, kidsâŚ
I know you think that your kids need both parent figures, but that only works when you actually care for one another. Youâll say its because of them or for the kids as to why youre staying, but in reality its for you and youre damaging their little minds, hearts and souls. Kids are incredibly intelligent. You think âohh theyre just kids, they dont know whats going onâ but in actuality you keep this up and youre gonna have kids as young as 9 & 10 thinking their parents shouldnt be together just like I was.
You are ABSOLUTELY causing them more harm than good staying. Youve already stated you dont care anymore, so just leave, stop tormenting those kids. .
Gurl, go!!! Seriously, you are strong and can find happiness, with your babies, Go, life is toooo short, Good Luck 
Thatâs a heck of a long sentence.
When she says their both addicts I donât think she means with drugs. When I read it I took addicts as a metaphor that they are addicted to staying when they know they donât need to be together. I could be wrong idk. What I do know is, once you get to the point where you just donât care, you need to leave. For your sanity cause then things start to get messy. Take your kids and start over, yeah itâll be hard and take some getting use to a new routine but that relief of being free from a loveless relationship, thereâs nothing like it. Good luck.
Girl been there⌠Threw addiction and all. I was with my husband for 8 years. He was a really bad narrasist and struggled with meth psychosis(as a result of addiction) I left last December and leaving was something I never thought I could do because after all I loved this man so much for so long. We had 4 boys⌠1 each and 2 together. I took my boys but had to leave behind my step son who we had full 100% custody of since he was 5. Its was hard. But life is so much better now. Iâve been clean since leaving as I used using as a coping device for the hell I went threw. I have full custody of my kids. And I know things can only get better even if I live back at my parents house cuz he made us leave the home when I left. Its still way better than it was.
Itâs crazy how women marry men knowing certain things and accepting certain behaviors and think it will change. 
Then you have a bunch of kids and those things are annoying cause hey someone has to be grown and I promise it wonât be him.
Grownup and own up to your bad choices and be better for your kids and stop being selfish in every way possible.
Lastly stop feeling sorry for yourself and do right!
Smh
This is obviously a cry for help. Youâre come a long way. Knowing you need to change and having your children as motivation puts you way ahead. Next step, get help. The path is not easy but you have already started
You donât specify what the addiction is. What I do get from this is that you wanna give your kidâs a good lifeâŚso go do that. Youâre sick of the fighting you donât care anymore but you donât want to go it alone as a single mum and heâs not gonna change for you. Thereâs your answer he ainât gonna change for you.
Itâs exhausting living day by day being somewhere you donât wanna be. Just staying in it to raise your kidâs takes a lot of energy coz your trying to protect your kidâs from all of that but before you know it yearâs have gone by and you wasted them all in a relationship you mentally checked out on yearâs ago. Youâll be forever looking outside of your relationship unless you can find some lil sliver of hope to bind you two together even if itâs some form of addiction. Every now and then and because youâre in a relationship itâs bound to be more often than not, some kind of happiness will pass by your way but you wont be able to touch it coz you fucking got yourself stuck there! Nothingâs wrong with checking out on a tiring situation but donât stay in it do you and your kidâs a favor and go while you can. It takes a lot of energy to be a single parent yes but youâd rather focus your energy there than where youâre currently at. And I know a lot of single parents that have ended up there through shit situations but I tell ya they are amazing they have raised or are raising awesome families all by themselves thatâs where they focus on. And they open themselves to some happy chances that may pass by too. Good luck
AlsoâŚuse some PUNCTUATION!!! You need order in your life and that would be a great place to start.
Ow that sad look after yourself as well as your children they need they mum if dad he caring about himself your are a lot stronger then you think right now so look to the it will get better ⌠just think you and your children and I do hope you have good support big hugsx
None should change for anyone you married that person knowing it grow up