have an anonymous post I would like to be shared if it is approved… I just got married to my Husband in May who I have been with for 3 years…. I am 28 and he is 42… He looks alot younger for his age, maybe 35… Anywho, lately he hasn’t been wanting to have sex. He makes excuses and even blames it on his medical history on why he “can’t get it hard” but that’s a lie because he can get hard. I recently was able to recover his deleted search history on his iphone. For someone who “can’t get hard or isn’t in the mood, or is too tired or blah blah blah, he was watching porn before work, on both of his lunch breaks and before he came home but doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me? I am sexually active and this has never been a problem for neither one of us. He makes excuses to see the Dr… I am mentally and emotionally a strong woman… I own my own home, I’m very independent and I’m a cna and working on bridging to a Nurse. I have tried telling him I feel like he’s cheating or talking to someone else or isn’t interested in me but he says otherwise. My self esteem has been down lately and I am not ugly. I am very confident in myself but this, it’s breaking me down. I don’t want any bashing I just want raw and real opinions on what you’ll think??
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Do you think my husband is cheating?
I recommend couples therapy. My parents were 21 years apart in age and sometimes it’s hard to communicate with an age gap. Plus a therapist can help root out why he’s watching porn. Also, make an appt with the general doctor about getting hard and go with him
Always listen to what your gut is telling you. It doesn’t lie.
If they watch a lot of porn it’s harder for them to get hard. Sounds like he may have a porn addiction
He’s using you. He’s not telling you the truth and using his health as an excuse . Do not know if he’s cheating but if it’s not w you I’m sure it will be with someone else
Porn addiction. Look it up.
The way you’re speaking of him I dont think he has a very good support to be honest about his struggles
A lot of men with porn addictions have a hard time getting hard and staying hard/ reaching orgasm in real life with a real person.
I found this out briefly dating someone who was a legit porn addict.
Anyone who is watching porn while at work has issues.
If he isn’t having sex with you, then best believe he is getting it from somewhere. Especially if he actively is looking at porn on a regular basis. If it really was a medical condition, then I highly doubt he would even look at porn. I think the “medical issue” is just an excuse. I would try to find out in some for sure if he is cheating. And if he is, divorce him!!!
You don’t need him, find someone else who respects you
I’d definitely keep pushing the doctor issue and go with him to the appointment. Is he taking any new medications? My ex is almost 50 and started taking new medications and had troubles.
Wow just went through this with my now ex boyfriend. So sorry your going through that. It’s going be hard but I would walk away if yall can’t communicate about it
Maybe he’s just realized he’s Gay.this s…t happens.
Ur only 28 n he’s 42 if not with u as young as u are compared to his age its got to be with someone else:person_shrugging:
He could be addicted to porn, tell him what you found and be kind he will respond better. Maybe he feels like he can’t perform for you so he turns to porn . ( not ok) but you are married so try communicating first. If that takes you to a dead end I would go my separate ways.
Communication is always key. Id tell him this insecurity caused you to dig and tell him what you found. He could have any number of issues going on. If you love him its worth exploring and giving your relationship a chance. This page is notorious for people saying leave him over any issue. Life isnt that simple nor should it be. His response will let you know what your next steps should be.
Listen to your gut, you don’t need him!
He has a pornagraphy addiction.probably low testosterone or e.d.as well.looking doesnt necessarily translate to cheating.getting an erection doesnt always meen he can keep it.
If you are suspicious enough to go through his phone, then LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! He’s in need of counseling, and so are you, to learn why you tolerate his lying.
Age and meds can cause issues. ED can make it so piv sex is difficult, strength of and maintaining an erection.
Porn addiction is a very real thing that can ruin a lot of relationships
You can’t judge whether someone is cheating by reading a paragraph on Facebook. If your gut is telling you yes, trust that.
Counseling or divorce. Those are your options.
If it wasn’t for the fact he was watching porn, I’d think maybe you were too hard on him. I would try to go to a doctor’s appointment with him and see what you find out. See if he really does have some sort of health issue. If he discourages you from going, or outright refuses, that will tell you a lot. You could suggest counseling. It might help the two of you to communicate better. But why do I get the feeling you’ve already made up your mind?
Maybe he really does have a problem there and avoiding the doctor isn’t unusual as a lot of men would be embarrassed by this.
Don’t listen to anyone telling you “divorce” “he’s cheating” & all of that bull. Show him support & go to the doctor with him first. Many women are obviously ignorant to a man’s reproductive system just like men are to woman’s. This sounds to me like he needs support & keep in mind that men tend not to be expressive as we are when it comes to internal struggles. You never know if he was watching that to see if he could get excited. You’re just assuming based on that but you aren’t offering to be there for him if he’s really struggling.
You went through his phone? Seems like you’d have found evidence if he was cheating. Maybe he has a porn addiction. Maybe don’t be with someone if you feel you have to go through their phone.
Circumcised? Often causes ED issues and sensitivity issues during normal intercourse/oral sex.
Pron addiction is a real thing.
Sounds like a porn addiction. It can make actual sex more difficult.
If you feel he’d cheat look for more confirming signs. Or go with him to Dr and all about testosterone levels. If after that you still feel he is cheating and trust is so shakey then it’s time to go.
I don’t think his cheating maybe it’s just a faze his going threw porn is very Explicit￼ and very active maybe trying new things like dressing up using toys to make it more exciting maybe it’s his age girl too as the older people get sometimes they just want a hand job really quickly but doesn’t want the whole sex thing or maybe his having real problems and is trying to figure it out I would first start maybe trying different things like getting super freaky maybe even just starting by just touching or sucking I would try different methods then if that’s not working talk to him serious and tell him what the hell is going on
One thing I learned the hard if you love him fight for him theres an issue somewhere dont stop till u get your answer and then if u still want him fight to fight this battle with him in support
Your gut never lies!!!
To be the devils advocate he may be trying to solve his own problem by watching porn to see if you can get hard he might be just embarrassed…… ￼
Ok, first off before you assume, which you know what they say about that? In your forties. Some people do actually go through issues sexually. And I’m very disappointed to see that he had a problem. You would quickly judge him and assume the worse. Shame on you. I know by experience because when I hit my 40s my sex drive went way down and we went and saw the doctor about it. My husband of 11 years been supporting me very well about it, and he’s very understanding and he’s not cheating on me! Maybe your husband’s watching p*** to try and get himself to get excited so we can make you happy. I’m really disappointed all you selfish b****** I’l feel so bad for your other half
Whether or not he’s cheating is kind of besides the point. You aren’t happy, you’ve tried to communicate how you’re feeling and he’s not interesting in making you feel otherwise. I would suggest attending a drs appt with him. If everything is normal- marriage counseling or a divorce attorney
I don’t think it sounds like it
He could have a genuine problem hence watching porn to stimulate himself. Seek medical advice with him.
He is older and can be having a hard time getting up. Men have many reasons for not getting hard, could be a new medication, stress at work, anxiety that he can’t please you. Maybe he is watching porn to try get up but can’t. You need to talk with him, tell him how you feel, and how it is affecting you. Communication is key to keep a marriage going.
Maybe he is watching porn to help get him in the mood so when he comes home he is ready or it will be easier for him to get hard and stay hard …because maybe he cant just jump into it ( even with foreplay) because he is embarssed or feels frustrated with his condition…and doesn’t want you to feel like it’s you!.
I know women in their 40’s…who can’t get as wet like they used to and they feel ashamed even with their partners…So some watch porn or masterbate to get them juices flowing so they are more ready for their partner. It’s a turn on for both men and women when their partner is ’ ready’ for them.There can be anxiety onboth ends.Like the women who fears her partner will think HE is the reason she can’t get wet and she will worry that he will find someone who will be wet for him in an instant. Same thing can happen with Men.
Your guy is in his 40’s , your in your 20’s…Maybe he worries you will replace HIM with a guy closer to your age that can get and stay hard.
I’m 28 an my husband just turned 43. He doesn’t watch porn or anything but sometimes we will go a month or lil longer without it, they are older an their bodies do go through change just like a woman’s. Talk to him about him. Don’t just assume.
But I can also relate to being a strong independent lady an still getting let down at times.
He might have problems getting it up
Just because he can sometimes get a natural erection does not mean he doesent struggle with getting them everytime he wants one.
What does he do for work? He might be to physically tired at the end of the day to come home and go to pound town for a hour.
The amount of porn you say he is watching is absolutely a red flag though i do agree. He could be having trouble getting it up in a real life sexual situation because he’s so desensitized from all the porn. Everybody knows everyday sex with you’re partner isn’t gonna be a porn flick type thing.
Idk. I think it’s a combination of those things, I don’t believe he’s cheating on you based on the little info I’ve got on the situation from you’re post.
Try and be understanding and have a open conversation with him about how you feel. Try coming up with some “I” statements to start this conversation rather than “you”
For example, “I feel unwanted, I feel used.”
Refrain from accusatory statements like “you’re a liar you can get it up, you always watch porn, you never want to have sex”
Those are accusatory and he will shut down on you and will never confide in you.
Marriage is for better or worse, this isn’t a random boyfriend situation.
I think you guys can get on the same page and work something out if this is approached the correct way.
I’m sorry you’re going threw this. I know it’s painful for you. You’re a strong woman for reaching out like this and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
If u have to ask then yes. Do his father or brother. You’ll feel better. He won’t. You win !!!
He might be watching porn in an attempt to “Get it Up”, or
He just may have a physical or Psychological￼ reason for his lack of interest with you.
Before you ask for a divorce, please seek counseling.
He’s addicted to porn. That’s why he can’t get it up. What a loser.
It’s the porn some men get caught up in that fantasy they forget what real intimacy is like
You are a CNA, you should realize that his change is most likely due to low T levels. Maybe he’s watching porn to try and stimulate those desired results in order to have sex with you. Women struggle with getting older and have self esteem issues every day but never stop to think that their men have the same struggles. Having low T levels effects men in ways women just can’t understand and it’s emasculating to them when they have to talk about it and they can be pretty embarrassed. If you are everything you say you are then why would you think he’s stepping out to cheat on you? Support, encourage and ask what you can do to help him. Look at his diet and see about changing it up to help his body produce more testosterone, make sure he’s getting enough quality sleep. There are things as his wife that you can do to support your husband and ease his own insecurities about going to the dr. Just because a man watches porn doesn’t mean he’s out banging other women.
You need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Communication is very important.
I would suggest counseling to him. If he refuses and isn’t open to discussing things with you, you need to look at your relationship and decide if this is the type of relationship you see yourself in for the future.
Sounds maybe like a porn addiction…
You want raw and real opinion… here it is. He’s 14 years older than you:grimacing:. Get with someone your own age. Y’all clearly don’t have a good relationship or he wouldn’t be lying to you and you wouldn’t feel the need to go to the extent of recovering deleted data from his phone. It sounds like he took advantage of you and made you believe he was someone else, which is common when it’s older creeps searching out younger girls.
He cheating. Just follow your gut and leave him
Sounds like a communication issue. Try addressing the issue without being confrontational.
Sounds like a porn addiction. Most of the time they can’t get it up without the porn… It will always effect your relationship unless he chooses to get help.
Maybe try to surprise him with a date night. Dress up really sexy and come onto him. A lot of men and women watch porn and aren’t masterbating every time they do it. He could be depressed or maybe feels insecure about his performance. I would try to get to the bottom of it by showing him you’re there for him.
He’s a bit old for you, a huge age gap!! My ex stopped being able to perform because of ED he was 44 when it started. He was still able to please himself watching porn though. He might not be cheating but having a problem performing. I would get out because allot of times the ED pills won’t even work. Good luck though
Sounds like a porn addiction. He needs counseling, you both probably do. Ultimately it’s his issue and one he has to want to fix, otherwise it’s pointless. I would give an ultimatum that it’s you or the porn, while making sure he knows you want it to work out and that you’ll support him if he chooses to fix it.
Ok this is going to spund strange but what is he watching in his net searches? Is he looking at something different or wilder than your into? Maybe hes having a struggle with wanting to do things your not into… or maybe hes trying very hard and counterproductively putting alot of pressure on himself to perform by trying to prime the pump with porn. Sometimes dudes watch it to have an easy quick release without the hassle and sometimes they are just trying to get it to do what they want… if hes seeing a dr try being supportive and non judgemental and see if he lets you in on whats going on with him… there are alot of meds that can affect his ability to maintain an erection and non of it has a thing to do with desire or you.
I assume if youve looked through his searches enough to find his porn you’ve looked for his chats or contacts with whomever he might be cheating with and since you havent mentioned it- i assume you havent found anything… try being open with him and see where it goes
Do y’all want kids? Sounds like he might be afraid of impregnating you
Watch some with him, see if that helps
Give his doc a heads-up to check your husband for low testosterone, erectile dysfunction or whatever. Also marriage counseling is a good idea.
Is he actually going to the dr? What I’m reading, doesn’t sound good.
Did you check his texts? Social media? Any suspicions about anything else than just porn? I would do some investigating first. If you have no other concerns, I would suggest talking to him about it & marriage counseling. I don’t think a man should be watching porn as often as he does tho. He has you to please him. Maybe he’s satisfying himself and he can’t perform with you? Good luck, update us how things work out.
Honestly if he’s watching porn that many times maybe he really is having some issues, maybe he’s trying to relieve himself or figure out his issues without you being around out of comfort for himself because he’s embarrassed. Don’t give up on him so quick an listen to him, offer to help an make the appointment for him,It’s a team effort.
Sounds like he has a porn addiction
I wouldn’t jump straight to cheating if all you found was porn. I’d be concerned he maybe has an addiction to porn if he’s watching it that much. And that will affect his actual sex life. My suggestion is a very open and honest conversation and if you guys can’t do that then couple/ marriage counseling would be the next step. Good luck.
He is just 42 , he is not suppose to be having any erecting issues , a 42 still very sexual ( unless if he has any conditions or he taking any medication) I will definitely have a conversation with him about it, I do not think that he is necessary cheating but after 3 years sex can get monotonous and nothing kills the desires of wanting sexy than monotony , surprise him with some porn , sexy lencery , some music , a stripper dance , toys etc .
You should be talking to a doctor since you’re in the medical field… instead you put it on Facebook. What a piece of work.
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Idk… You can love your partner and not have a sex drive.
I don’t know about this one… with age they do slow down sexually, he’s not too old, but he’s getting up there… maybe he’s watching the porn to try and get excited enough? I don’t know. This is a hard one?
Probably low Testosterone. So he doesn’t have desire. It not you!! He may be watching the porn to try to increase his desire. (Or it could all be an excuse). Not enough information to be sure.
Whatever you do dont let this effect your self esteem or confidence, all roads lead to him, either it really is medical, or he’s spending himself elsewhere, or he’s having orientation issues because he has spent so much time watching images that include extreme close-ups of male genitalia his desire’s are changing
Porn can definitely bring down sex drive. Sounds like he needs to stop masturbating and let you handle it;)
Maybe he is addicted to porn??
Never let a man or anyone else make you doubt yourself, your beauty or your heart! If he isn’t willing to communicate or compromise then you know what needs to be done
He could be watching porn to try to get an erection he could be addicted to porn and thats the only thing to get his rocks off. Look at the porn he’s watching and see what he is into. I wouldn’t assume he’s cheating
Spice it up some then. It might just be bored. Have some porn playing and watch it with him. See how it goes then have a open conversation about it. He is alot older and just because he is watching porn doesn’t mean it’s “getting hard” or that he’s cheating.
My advice is not if he’s cheating or not… but if you are strong and independent and mentally and emotionally good… do not let this man take that from you cause whether you are this way today or not… if you continue this way he WILL diminish that over time! Have a Convo see if there is change and if not move on…
Jeez sounds like he’s watching too much porn to me
From what I’ve seen (mostly from these posts) is once someone has a porn addiction the relationship crumbles. Honestly, although the age difference seems completely fine now, in another 15 years you’ll be living like a senior citizen. It’s tough. I say, take the sign and run while you can.
Throw the whole man away￼.
I’m been with my hubby for over 13 years and he’s 50
I’m going through this with my hubby right now
I have to battle my insecurities all the time
He’s dong the same thing but he can’t it hard he doesn’t have any medical reason
But he’s hasn’t touched me in months
If he’s cheating there’s nothing that can be done til he gets caught or slips
He gonna cheat nothing you do will stop it
Either talk to him or move on
ahh good old porn… he may not be cheating , it maybe a fetish that he gets out of porn but hes to embarrassed to share it…
Maybe he is having a hard time getting it up or keeping it up or his testosterone levels are low. Just as women get in the mood to not have any, so do men. Maybe he is watching the porn hoping it will help get him excited. . . Porn doesn’t always mean a guy is cheating and neither does lack of sex . Guys have a harder time saying there is a problem with them physically and if he is telling you there is something wrong then go to a Dr and help him find out what.
Idgaf what other women say but porn is horrible. Honestly he probably watches porn enough to fill his “need” and can’t get it up because of the porn. It’s been known to cause men to have problems getting it up with their SO. I don’t think he is physically cheating on you. Could be but I don’t think so
How about going to the doctor visits with him? Find out for yourself. Explain to him that since you’re married now, this effects you too and you want to be a part of these visits to see how you can help. Then you should have your answer
My ex did this to me when I gained 10 lbs. Wouldn’t touch me for months.
Sounds like he was more interested in staying in your house than living with you.
Is he diabetic? That will effect sex. If not then make an appointment and go to the doctor with him. Maybe he is and isn’t diagnosed. 42 is pretty young for that to even be the case but go find out what the deal is anyway. You sound pretty self reliant and in no need of support from a man. Speak your mind and get to the bottom of it!! If you know how to recover deleted search history on his phone then you know how to go deeper. Don’t tolerate excuses, if he really wanted to be sexually active with you then he would go find out the problem.
The porn is ruining his sex drive. It literally doesn’t work Becuz he opened that door and now it’s basically like a cursed himself.
The punishment is it no longer works. It happens to a lot of men and they blame it on age.So In a sense he telling u the truth way but he didn’t directly admit about the porn. He might have tried to use porn to help the situation but it hasn’t. He needs repentance Becuz It’s still a form of cheating. Surely his age has something to do with it. He can take ashwaganda, it helps with anxiety and libido. Although some serious issues here of reconnecting with eachother.
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If you want my opinion here goes. He most likely has a hanky panky going at work! Tell him you met someone and you’re ready to have an affair and see how fast he straightens his ass out! Find someone and have an affair and tell him to get lost! You don’t need his crap
Confront him and ask him to stop watching porn because it’s affecting your sex life & it’s gonna ruin your marriage. Intimacy is important.
Maybe he’s addicted to porn and getting off on those video. I have heard where people don’t want the real thing because they satisfy themselves so much while watching porn
Porn addiction is real! It will destroy your relationship if you don’t either address it or walk away. Don’t let it make you think you are the problem. Because you are not the problem!!
He’s probably got a porn addiction tell him he can either get help or it’s over. Call him out on the porn.
Go by your instincts
Sounds like he has a porn addiction.