Embarrassed over dinner, am I over reacting?

This scenario is rea playing in my head over and over again.

Back story a very close family friend. Close enough that she is referred to as my children’s grandmother. Emergency contact and everything. We been having family holiday dinners for years. Like 12 years now. She’s been there since I was pregnant with my first. No questions asked she is family and we are hers. Now I was teen parents. I am in my 20s. So I am young.
As she has aged her mindset has been changing over the past few years. She’s just entering her 60s now but I feel she’s still young, but she has aged alot the past few years. I have felt for months she’s hasn’t been a fan with me or something was wrong. Like passive aggressive comments. Her adult children say that’s just her and it’s nothing personal.
Well we had are family dinner and she’s was the host.
She ate her dinner first and then proceeded to pull out all the dessert. And gave a slice of pie to my child. I said no he’s still eating dinner multiple times. Her child also said he no he was eating. My child still had ham and carrots on his plate and she put pie on it.
I was embarrassed and insulted.
I would of got up and left but I had just had a glass of wine before dinner. She then left the room. Everyone contiude eating afterwards.
I cleared the table. Packed up are food. Drank tea and snacks. Then we left. So did her adult children. My friend didn’t come out tell we were leaving.

Her daughter agrees with me that her mom’s behavior was off and she’s doesn’t understand why she would act like that.
Her son thinks it’s because I kept saying no to treats or pop before dinner and she’s tired of being told no. But he doesn’t pay attention to his mom.
I’m the only one with children and this is not my biological mother. She’s a close family friend and was there for me for the hardest part of my life. I will be forever grateful for her. But, her behavior the past few years has been consurning. This event has shocked me and I honestly don’t want another family dinner.
I need some advice. Am I over reacting about the dinner.
Her daughter says I’m not. Her son says I am making a big thing out of a small thing and it wasn’t anything personal.
My friends children and I are very close friends, hand picked family. We been together since children the 3 of us. Way before I had children and we all become adults.

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I feel like that’s how most older people are… they really don’t care what you have to say. She’s just acting like a grandma, she wants to feed you. Next time I would tell her “no thank you but we’ll definitely get some before we go” & see if that makes a difference. To me it wouldn’t be a big deal but however you feel about it is how you feel so if you don’t want to go back you don’t have too.

Please learn the difference between our and are.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Embarrassed over dinner, am I over reacting?

So…she gave your kid pie? Yeah, overreacting unless there’s a medical reason. This seems like a tiny issue for a lady that has had you at holidays for years. Just enjoy your time with her!

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It’s a holiday not something that happens all the time, let him have pie before he finishes dinner. Do ruin a good relationship over something so petty

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I understand the need to not be undermined by someone bc you’re the parent. That part is frustrating. I’d say maybe next time just make sure to tell your child not to touch the pie until after they finish dinner. Holidays are great for snacks and desserts, but I also appreciate the structure and routine. It builds a healthy work and rewards mindset. Good for behavior. Boundaries with others trying to parent your child are good to have. Don’t be afraid to compromise when possible, and perhaps get creative with asserting your parenting position to not try and cause conflict, but also having rules.

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That’s definitely overreacting. It’s just a piece of pie that’s it. Who cares if he still had ham and carrots on his plate she wanted him to have his slice of pie on his plate probably before everyone else had a piece and it was gone. If you’re this upset over a piece of pie then you definitely need to ask yourself why in the end. If you truly consider her their grandma well sorry to break it to you but that’s what grandmas do. Don’t make a friendship end over a stupid piece of pie like cmon woman that’s beyond petty

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You could just tell your child to eat the pie after he eats his food

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Maybe sit down and talk to her? Just the two of you. It could be just old age, I’ve got family that act like this. Maybe it’s entitlement? Or maybe she has an underlying condition? Just sit down and talk to her.

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It could be possible she is having a medical condition like dementia/alzheimers…it may not just be “her”

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She’s not respecting you as the kids parent, she’s over stepping you. If my kid is still eating his dinner I’d be hella annoyed if someone turned and gave him dessert.

You’re petty. You’re lucky you even have friends to be honest.

It’s just pie… your overreacting. She just wanted your child to have pie. It’s not a big deal. I would advise to let it go. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

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Grab a different plate, set the pie aside so son can eat it after his dinner.

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Your spelling should concern you more than the pie incident. She’s being a grandmother.

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I do understand you wanting your child to finish their meal before sweets. That’s common sense as a parent. But as my sister always says at holidays, “it’s a party!” On special occasions, I just let them have the sweets. Don’t sweat the little stuff, and trust me, most of it is little stuff :heart:

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I don’t think you overreacted at the time. If I say not to give my kids something, you don’t give it to them. I probably would have gotten up and taken it off their plate. I do think you’re over reacting now. It wasn’t a big enough deal to still be upset about it. Sit her down and tell her it’s not to happen again. Or just stop doing dinners if it bothers you that much. Not a huge deal

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Oh my god lol.

Firstly, if her behavior is changing she could be going through health issues. As age gets up there, so does the risk of deteriorating mental or physical health.

With that being said - It’s freaking pie! You could have just said thank you and either told your child to eat their regular food first and then the pie, or let it go this ONE time. You’re embarrassed, hurt, and all? Oh please. It’s one dinner, one time. Your child would have been fine to eat some pie. Not like it’s a package of cookies.

I get it, you’re mom, you said no - but pick your battles. I’d understand if it was something really bad, but a single slice of pie? Your child is old enough to know to listen to you.

You need to relax.

And all she has done for you and been through with you, you’re willing to throw everything away over a slice of pie? Talk to her kids, talk to her. Try and figure out what’s going on. She helped you, now you help her. Pull up your big kid pants and act like an adult.

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I wouldn’t make a big deal out of myself however Grow up put your big girl panties on and talk to her. Mayne she was just trying to enjoy the holidays or just maybe she has other things going on. We all get grumpy as we get older. Maybe have some one one time with her.

Shes a grandma figure… grandmas do stuff like that smh. I’m not sure why your making food a big deal. Its definitely not like he gets it like this everyday one time isn’t hurting anything.

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You contradict yourself. You say she is close enough to you and your family that your children call her grandmother then rant (with some shocking spelling, by the way) concluding with the fact that she’s not family even though she’s been there throughout all of your pregnancies and has been there since you were a teen

I don’t get why you embarrassed and insulted by pie :thinking: But whatever.

If you feel this woman has overstepped, SAY SO!! It works much better than insulting her on here!!

If my bonus son had ever spoke about me the way you have just done about her; I’d be devastated

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If it is only at family dinners, I am pretty sure you have control of how often you go there. My mother in law did something pretty crappy to me early in my marriage and I refused to go to visit her for one solid year. She found out pretty fast that where I didn’t go, the grandchild and husband didn’t go. Cleaned up her act and was cautious ever after. Still a snake, but a snake with respect.

Couldn’t you have just mentioned to your child to finish his food before moving onto the pie? I mean, she just put it on their plate, right? She didn’t take the plate away from them. I could see you being annoyed and maybe rolling your eyes with your friends behind her back for a minute before moving on, but I wouldn’t suggest losing any sleep over it, or causing a rift with your family.

As people get older, they tend to change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. It could be a changing health issue, even a slight decline. Also, as a grandmother figure to your child…well, grandmas do that kind of stuff. As a child figure in this person’s life, sometimes you have to save your energy for bigger battles if they come along.

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Grandmas are meant to spoil that’s what they do it’s fun and entertaining and provides a confidant type relationship and tee heee heee grandma is sneaky type feeing. You are letting something small upset a long standing relationship with you and your family. DO NOT DO THAT!!! This life is far too short to be short about a piece of pie. Obviously she was proud of this or just wanted to be fun granny. Love her and then keep a mental not if anything else seems to be off because let’s face it people break down after a while and may not be at the top of their games forever. Love to your family and hers.

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She may be having mental issues. Maybe she needs to be checked out. Also, for someone who was really there for you, when you needed it, you should be there for her. It’s just food. You can teach your children eating behaviours at home. Don’t sweat the little things, and always give Grace to those we love.

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I think you saying you’re done with family dinner is a stretch, but I think you can fix this with a simple conversation. Explain to her how you’re feeling due to her behavior, and ask her if something is wrong between you two. No dessert if you didn’t finish your dinner is a normal mom concern. As a mom, I would think you two could connect on that level and explain how you felt disregarded and disrespected when she went outside your wishes. See what she says. If she says hey I was wrong I’m sorry, then let it go. But if she stands by the fact that it’s her house she can do what she wants, you need to decide if you’re ok with your children seeing you and your wishes ignored and disrespected, and her undermining you whenever she wants to.

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There’s actually a lot going on here.
I think it’s actually better to unpack it peice by peice rather than all at once as a whole:
So first, for this particular situation…I think you are overreacting a bit.
Oh boy have I been there And I get that it can be incredibly frustrating to a point…However, your child knew they were still eating and voiced that.
Just because the pie was put on his plate didn’t mean that he had to stop eating his regular meal.
I’d really just let it go.

Second. She’s a human being. It is possible she gets tired of always being told no. Many people do. They just want to enjoy the meal…and feel as though that’s hampered by restrictions and rules.
As a parent it’s absolutely ok and even necessary to have rules and boundaries but maybe try to phrase things so it doesn’t come out so negatively if you can.
“Oh I think desert is a wonderful idea, but let’s let kid eat dinner first”

Third. Unfortunately this sounds as though there is a very high chance that she’s dealing with some kind of mental health issue or as others have mentioned possibly dementia. Or even a health issue that is affecting her mental state…But to this end, I would suggest letting her biological kids broach this with her first.

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Sounds like she needs to see her Dr

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Really? Use your words and tell your child, no pie until the rest of their food is eaten! Now go handle some real problems!!! Oh and by the way, is she family or not?
Or are you still on the fence about that!!!

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Why are you discussing her behavior with her children putting them in the middle of it?? That’s between YOU 2 not her kids - adult kids or not. Personally I think you both need to talk. I think you’re overreacting about a piece of pie. Personally, if I were her and I found out you went to my kids about everything instead of me, I’d be pretty pissed.

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Sooo chosen grandma gave a give a piece of pie and you’re ready to cut ties?
Ooookayyyyy

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Its obviously out of character for her to be “passive aggressive”, according to you she was there for you during the hardest part of your life, I’d say she therefore has some empathy coming from you because she earned it, its much easier to explain lifes eventuallities to your child than to burn historically valuable bridges

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Grow up … let it go… 1 meal where u kid ate pie … not a big deal

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It seems like such a small thing for you to be upset about. You should let it go if this is someone you love and is an important person in your life. Children see and understand much more then they are given credit for. Your child still knows right from wrong,and can excuse her small oddity,if You forgive it. Let it go. There is a lesson here for you and your child.

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Maybe she needs to go to a doctor

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She needs to see a Dr. A slow change in behavior. Defiant, Grumpy, Ups and downs etc could be a sign of early on set dementia. This is what we noticed from my Mom. My Mom died at 69 from Alzheimer’s. Symptoms were noticed years earlier. She had a change in character. Don’t say anything, talk to her about seeing a Dr. She will get mad at you. But the seed will be planted.

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Tough situation. I stopped visiting my mom when she started disregarding my parenting. Respect is a must, respect me or I won’t join…

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When you see drastic changes in someone that age, you need to take them to their doctor. It could be signs of early dementia.

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It’s a grandparent thing I swear. My fil gave my oldest this huge chocolate bar one time when I said no I was livid. In the end she enjoyed it, made a mess, got cleaned up and still ate dinner and went to bed. Now 10 years later I look back and she enjoyed herself. That’s all that matters. She wasn’t being put in harms way or any danger.

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Over reacting, she is grandma in a sense, let her spoil, quit nagging. Do pay attention to her mental status but…chill out, relax!

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No need to be embarrassed and insulted over a slice of pie. Yes, her behavior was a bit off, but why would those actions embarrass and insult you? I personally think you are making a big deal over something very minor. She’s been a long time friend and chosen family member. Much bigger things to worry about. Let it go.

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She’s getting older she’s going through changes
Maybe she was just having a bad day

Or her day didn’t turn up as planned
Or she got some news that has her acting out
Any sudden changes in her life ?

Maybe you are over reacting

It’s just pie :pie:

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Keep an eye on her, behavior changes are an early sign of dementia and Alzheimers

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Soooooo wait … hold up. “Chosen Grandma” is acting like her actual grandma, how grandmas act with their grandchildren… and ur mad about it ?? …
Lady. Calm yourself down.
Talk to grandma straight up like “mom I love you but let me parent please”. . Besides that maybe see if there’s something going on with her. Like mentally, physically or whatever. .
She’s been with you no questions asked (your words) and ur quick to drop her for some pie?
Sounds like you need to be dropped cuz your loyalty is faulty there.

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For one, yes you overreacted. Grandmas are going to offer treats and desserts even after you say no a thousand times. It’s in their blood. It’s up to your child to listen to you and finish their dinner before touching the dessert that is in front of them. 2) she should be checked for dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. The change in character is a sign as well as maybe not remembering that she has already offered things and you had declined. Irritability is another sign. It’s good that you are noticing these changes and should be brought up to her pcp.

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Well I think your over reacting a little bit. Its one dinner. I don’t think it would hurt anything. and she is kind of like the grandmother, she wants to spoil them while at her home. But maybe she might need to see a doctor. she may have some kind of mental disorder starting.

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A change in behavior like this could be a sign of a medical problem. Keep an eye on her and keep a log of these things. If they keep up, she needs to see a doctor. And ask the other adults around her to be observant as well. And if it was a one time thing well chalk it up to her wanting to spoil him a little.

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When people get older things change - even their behavior. I personally wouldn’t ruin an otherwise beautiful relationship… over a piece of pie. :woman_shrugging:t3: I understand it is the principal. I totally get that. But once isn’t going to ruin your kid’s eating habits. It was a special situation, and you can explain that to your child if need be. Seems to me you would be hurting your kid a lot more by removing this amazing dynamic than by keeping them safe from dessert on occasion.

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She’s just being a nan lol
It’s what nans do

One day you’ll miss the naughty times ,she’s probably at a age where she’s thinking of alot thats to come with age …
Soon as I can I’m taking advantage of the "fook it I’m old anyway attitude lol :laughing::joy::rofl:

Omgoodnes, you need to realise that this woman, may be starting to show some early signs of, and I do mean early signs of dementia. Dont be insulted! Become educated! When we start to notice, that some things are a bit off, with our loved ones, it is time to find some patience. She left the room, because SHE was embarrased, not really understanding her own behavior or comprehending exactly what has happened. This will become a very, very, long long ride, full of bumps. Do yourself a favor, encourage her children as well, to reach out to your Alzheimers Society .for information , for education , for support. You will all need it. They have invaluable information, and connections . I have personally travelled this road, it will not be easy! Caregivers count! However right now, if is about your friend. Wishing you luck, sending good vibes your way. Praying for you all :pray:

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Idk why everyone is saying you overreacted. You’re the parent and you said no. She did it anyways because why tf not. Anyone else would be annoyed if someone did something they said no too anyways.

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Depression or early dementia.

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I think it’s extremely childish of you to get upset over this. So she gave the kid his pie. As the mother there is no reason you can’t tell the child not to eat the pie until the rest of the food is eaten. Maybe the pie on the plate will give the kid some incentive to hurry up and eat the rest of the food. I think you’re making a big deal out of something that should have been no big deal at all…

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A Change in personality and normal behaviors is a sign of early onset dementia and or Alzheimer’s disease. But could also be a sign of a brain tumor or mental condition. I would definitely have her and her family see a Dr. and ensure is not this or something else going on with her

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Don’t be embarrassed. The need to realise that toy are the parent. You weren’t saying no full stop. Just no before dinner and no while dinner. I’m sure if she waited till he was finished it wouldn’t have been an issue

I’m 63 and a grandma. Id never go against their parents and certainly wouldn’t put dessert out till they’d finished their meal…and I bet she didn’t with her own either. Treats are for after meals not just before and never pop in my house
I dont think you’re over reacting at all and id be taking her to the Dr if this is changed behaviour. She may well be suffering some form of early dementia

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Something is clearly going on with your friend. Early stages of dementia, or just old age could really be getting to her. Stop looking at this as a reflection of her feelings towards you, and recognize that your friend is truly hurting in some way, and unable to stop herself from acting it out towards others any longer. She needs a friend to talk to! Or maybe even a doctor!

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Possible signs of dementia/UTI. Please keep an eye on her. Continue to watch for any changes. We Grammas do offer treats we shouldn’t, but if this is out of character for her, please don’t let this ruin your relationship.

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I am GrandMa, by Birth and Chosen, to 6. ([email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected].) I remember some of the struggles that I had with my Mother. (Was feeding my Toddler Cheese Curls when I picked her up to go home and feed my Child dinner. I still say they are not corn based and are not to be considered a vegetable. My (step)Mom was always like, it they are here when we eat, they eat what we eat. My MIL’s other Son made my 18month Son sit to the table for a hour and a half because he would not eat (shoe leather) steak.
We are each Different.

I would have been more like, Thank Your GrandMa, You can eat it when you are finished Your Dinner.

Sounds like she may be in the beginning stages of dementia. Her daughter should take her to the doctor and have her examined.

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It was just pie… it just seems so petty unless she has some type of medical issue. :woman_shrugging:

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I CANNOT believe the amount of people in here clearly excusing this womans lack of respect for boundaries!!! You don’t age out of giving respect. You said “no pie” that means NO PIE! if she is blatantly disregarding that SIMPLE instruction, can’t imagine what she’d do with something more serious.

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You might regret it if you dont see her again or have another dinner as she could be suffering early onset of dementia or another illness people in there 60s can start very early, you can even get it in your 40s but that’s usally from to much alcohol, but honestly I wiuldnt take it to heart she could be ill

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Someone gave my child desert before dinner was over :sob::sob::sob::sob:
You could literally just tell your child to finish dinner first before eating it
Like seriously if this is all you have to worry about I’m so freaking jealous

#FirstWorldProblems

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I think everyone who is saying you over reacted is missing a major red flag. You have stated a change in her behaviour in the last couple of years maybe you need to approach her carefully and get her to see someone now, there could be more going on here than just a piece of pie work with the daughter to get her help

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Imagine being so concerned about a supposed family member that you just can’t go up to her to speak to her :woman_shrugging:

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Wow just wow. The educational system really has failed a generation.

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I feel like if she was truly your friend you would have got up to talk to her. But you didn’t and you STILL packed up food…. How inconsiderate of you

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Small potato’s. That’s grandma to them. Respect that and let her give him the pie. It isn’t hurting anything. If my mom or mother in law put pie on my kids plate I just accept it as grandma bonuses. They are only around for so long. It’s 100% not worth getting so upset over.

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I would talk to her rather than cut her off completely… I am a teen mom of two as well and I know how hard that can be. If she was there for you through your hardships you need to return the favor and stand by her through hers. Don’t be shy, sit her down and ask her what is going on and why she’s been acting different and while you’re at it, tell her what’s bothering you and tell her that she needs to respect your decisions as a mother when it comes to your kids. :woman_shrugging:t4: Just like that.

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Could be early dementia.

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Biological or picked family, family is family and she’s grandma. I’ve told my grandparents over and over and they still do it. I get annoyed by it, but I remember those little special moments growing up like this that annoyed my mom and I loved. It was like someone was on my side and it’s silly but it feels like love.
If she’s the only one you have this issue with, talk to her, tell her it upset you and why and ask her not to or to grandma like that at different times. Don’t miss out on the rest of the family you and your kids have all not eating together as that’s so great you have that!

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I’m sorry but every single person here saying “oh grandma can do what they want” is ridiculous. Yes grandma has the right to spoil the kids but she has no right to go over the parents head and directly go against something she said no too. All that does is teach the child that you don’t have to listen to mom :woman_shrugging:t2: so no, you’re not over reacting. Maybe she’s just more stubborn as she’s getting older. You need to be open and talk to her directly and 1) make sure everything is ok and 2) make sure she knows the expectations when it comes to your child.

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If it wont matter in 5 yrs …dont let it bother you for 5 mins

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Over a pie? Jesus Christ, there is much more serious problems going on in the world :woman_facepalming:t2:

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Don’t think you are over reacting but at the same time she may be dealing with something you know nothing about.

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It’s your child, your rules. Period. That trumps anywhere you or your kid is at. That is disrespectful and honestly I’d have taken the pie and given it back and reiterated that I said no.

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So my mom is kind of like my adopted mom nothing legal but everyone knows I’m her daughter and she’s my mom and my boys Nana! We have butted heads about how she spoils my boys but I have come to learn to pick my battles. My boys know who to go to get things easily and that’s my mom. Lol they call her and request things almost daily. But they know they can’t pull that with me.

Either she’s you mom and kids grandma or she isn’t! You can’t look at her as a grandma/mom figure and cherry pick when that role works and when it doesn’t. Either that is who she is all the time or she isn’t all the time. I could not imagine saying this about my mom! My mom’s been in my life since I was 16yo and I’m 35yo now. It would be a HUGE slap in her face if only claimed her when it was convenient for me. That is NOT family!

Think you need to consider you idea of family and make a decision to either be family or stop letting her do for you when it’s convenient for you! Thats using her and isn’t truly unconditional love!

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Ease up- I doesn’t sound like she was usurping your Authority, but if it happens again , I woould talk to her privately and say that you don’t want her doing that if she continues to do so then I would back off from some visitation!

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Let it go. She is acting no different than any other grandmother does. We spoil the wee ones. Not worth loosing family over

Why don’t you just talk to her and see what’s wrong? It will save your brain from doing all these reasons and making it worse on yourself

Someone’s being a dipshit, and its not grandma or her kids.
She’s EIGHTY. Have you even considered the common sense of what a typical 80 yr olds mind is like…? :roll_eyes::woman_facepalming:t4:

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The amount of people saying shes grandma just let her do it are ridiculous. I do not care if its grandma or not, im the parent and what I say goes. “Grandmas aren’t around forever” and you right but I am not going to waste the years she has left with her grandkids and me arguing with her about crossing boundaries about undermining me about letting my kids know its okay because grandma surpassed what mom said so its okay because “its just one time” it is never just one time, you can be grandma and be the best damn grandma on the planet but guess what? Its my child and you will listen to what I have to say about my child. You need to respect my boundaries with my kids and respect what I have to say and what to do with my kids. My child is not going to not listen to me and throw out “well grandma said this.” “grandma does this.” “grandma lets me do it” because thats breaking down and leaking into my home. And will continue to do so when grandma does finally pass on. No. That being said I agree that she may need some help now and I agree you need to talk to her first and foremost before anything else.

Maybe it’s a start to dementia? My gram started getting like that too

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It’s a pie, at his adopted grandmothers, get over yourself

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What stands out to me is that the woman’s own daughter said the behavior was a little off. I think a check-up would be a good idea.

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You’re definitely overreacting in my opinion.