Finally breaking away from abuse and my son is upset, what can I do?

I'm totally at a loss, and I don't know what to do. I've been with my husband on and off for the last almost 8 years. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with love addiction which is why I keep going back to him. He's toxic, together we are toxic because he refuses to work with me, he only wants to work against me. He's changed towards our 5-year-old, it used to be that when he was around in the house he would be a good dad it was only when he would leave for months at a time that he wouldn't have anything to do with our son. Literally, the entire time I've been with him this is how it's been. He comes home, we have a honeymoon. For a couple months, and then he starts to look for any reason to leave me. He wasn't cheating on me because I always looked through his phone because I didn't trust him. But he did watch p*** several times a day without me seeing him doing it. He would even do it at work. He's a horrible alcoholic. He has been in and out of a sober living house for the last year, and now he left the sober living house about a month and a half ago to go work for a tree service an hour and a half away and live at the guy's house. That guy is also an alcoholic that just got a DUI about a month ago. The guy is a scumbag that he works for, and the pay is all over the place. That's not my problem. My problem, is that I have finally accepted that he's a narcissist and he isn't going to change and we aren't going to work out, this is very hard for me because I thought he was the love of my life. Yes I know, I'm very screwed up. I'm in counseling, and I have been for a while. I finally accepted that he and I are finished, but our son is horribly upset. He is acting out in school every single day. School is only been in session for a week and a half and I had to go pick him up today because he dumped a drink on another student in the cafeteria. I'm at a total loss, I don't know what to do. My son said that he is horribly upset because he doesn't understand why his dad is not coming home. Please, I need advice. And please be nice, I'm very very upset over this and sensitive.
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Sit down and talk to him. Try to explain it in a age appropriate way so he’ll understand. Maybe therapy or counseling at his school? They’re great at their jobs & will be able to help him understand, process, and deal with how he’s feeling. I’m sure he’s very upset about it all, but acting out is not going to help him in anyway get what he wants. He needs an outfit for his emotions… sports, karate classes, etc. Help him learn to process emotions through things that are healthy

Unfortunately you allowed that horrible behavior of his father to mold him now you need to get him into counseling so that he doesn’t grow up like his father, my advice get him in there now.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Finally breaking away from abuse and my son is upset, what can I do?

Your son needs counseling to help him deal with everything that has happened. Put your self in his shoes . He just wants both parents to love him and he doesn’t understand why dad isn’t there. He’s very young and his whole world has been flipped upside down. He needs help understanding and how to process and cope with it…

If you want real advice, people are going to be blunt. I don’t pity you because I’ve been in the same position and leaving was the right move. If your son is acting out, maybe you should talk to him instead of social media. He is your son. If you explain that his father is not a good person to be in a relationship with, he will understand. Even if he’s upset, it’s whats best going forward. If he continues acting up, put him somewhere where that behaviour won’t be tolerated. Those are your options.

See if there are wrap around services for your child.

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Ummmm…not to be flip here but wth is love addiction?

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You need to talk to your son about why dad is not coming home. Make it age appropriate and don’t go into details. You could simply say dad is sick and can be mean so it’s best if you all live apart. Also get that child into therapy so he can learn to process his emotions.

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Your son needs counseling too.

Your son needs counseling as well! He’s showing signs of distress by taking it out on others. Also, good for you for removing yourself from your toxic ex.

Maybe see if he can go virtual atleast for a while so you can spend more time with him at home and start to tell him daddy isn’t coming hope BUT NOT WHY OR NOT YET WGY… I feel like it’s too soon for that, and maybe he might come home to y’all and realize how crappy he’s been treating y’all. I can only hope and pray for you 2. Try your best to stay positive

I think you should have an honest conversation with your son. Don’t talk bad about him but be honest with him and explain to him what’s going on and why he isn’t coming back. Regardless of how upset he is he will remember in the future how awful is father is being now. You’ve finally accepted that things won’t work, now you need to help your son do the same. If his dad doesn’t wanna be there for him then that’s his loss. I’m so sorry both of you are going through that :confused:

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It won’t change. Nothing wrong with u. Promise it gets better once ur gone. Im so happy I left for good

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Depends on how old your son is? I’d be concerned if your son has witnessed the abuse and/toxicity between you guys? And if so… he definitely needs to break free because he may end up also with a love addiction… get him therapy and counseling. Distract him as much as possible. Do things with your son as often as possible. Talk to him as much as possible just pretty much about anything. Spark conversations to distract him very often. This should be about distraction so that he can focus on the positive relationship between you and him and not the negative between him and his father or between you and his father.

It’s time to put your son in therapy too.

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stay away from him prayers

Leave Him For Good Get Counseling For U n Ur Son. Move Forward With Ur Life. U Can’t Keep Waiting 4 Someone Who Isn’t Ready. He’s Already Showed U What He’s Going 2 do. He May Change One Day But It Won’t Be 4 U n Ur Child. Good Luck💯

Your therapist should have a way for you to explain it to your child.
Maybe he needs to see one to let out his feelings too. It would be good for him.

Be real with your child.

Maybe seek therapy for him too. Usually if you talk to the children about the situation sometimes they comprehend and their attitude will change. I see it all the time in kids especially when parents are going through divorce but therapy might help him too as well as explaining to him what going on.

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My son reacted badly, but see it through and he will honestly, find sources of help, dont back down or it will all be for nothing, just reinforce your still there. I’m UK so I used CAMHs (Child adolescent mental health services) just take any help you can

My son was 9 when his dad who’s in a different country decided to cancel his summer trip to our country last minute. They planned this trip together for a year. I warned his dad not to make any plans if he is not going to do it,he did it anyway. Long story short, my son was devastated, acted out of anger for months towards me, couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t marry his dad so he can move to the US and live with us,so I was forced to tell him the truth. I had to tell him how his dad had cheated on me while I was pregnant with him, and that his dad was mentally abusive. You have to be honest with him. You have to let him know why you have decided to do so. My son understood, maybe cuz he was older but he understood. It did leave a mark on him, he was depressed for a few months but that’s when you show him all the love you can,and let him know you understand why he’s acting this way. It’s not easy. But one of these days he will see for himself why you made this decision. My son did. He saw how his dad was. He has 2 other kids from 2 different mothers. He only ever text him on his bday, no support since birth. My son knows he is a horrible person. I didn’t have to tell him that part, he figured it all out by himself.

First I’m glad you are acknowledging the toxic behavior with the two of you but I’m going have to stop you from being so harsh against yourself ! We all make mistakes especially with those we love or think we love. Second I would sit him down and explain what’s going on kids are very observant and even behavior you thought he may have not noticed most likely he did . He is just a confused little boy who cannot process what’s going on . Using age appropriate language tell him but don’t put all the blame on yourself or his dad . Is a careful line you want to navigate through because if you put the blame on his father this early on he may never recover . Third go to court establish custody and an order of visitation if the alcohol consumption is concerning state it immediately . You can also try a child therapist and joint therapy sessions . This is a long process and it’s sad he has to go through this . Wishing you the best.

I would say find a good family counselor for you and your son to go to and do sessions together and then individual sessions. Explain to your son that its not in anyway his fault.

Let her go and make her own mistakes, that is the only way they learn

Ben there done that, my daughter is 42 now

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Finally breaking away from abuse and my son is upset, what can I do?

I would do family counseling for you and your son. Your son is gonna act out. He’s hurt too by his father, but he’s most likely showing it in anger. Get counseling hun. Wishing you the best.

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Whoever diagnosed love addiction is a quack​:rofl::woman_facepalming:t5:

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Sounds like your son could use counseling too.

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Get your son some counseling. Get out that relationship!

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Its not a love addiction iv been there twice tbf its u feel sorry for them u belive in there crap u fall for there lies and never date a narcissist learnt from my mistake on that 1

Or get him into a sport to preoccupy his mind:))))

Keep him and yourself extra busy. Don’t wallow in the loss or bring up his father all the time. Just move on and he will too. That’s not to say that he can’t bring him up just try to answer to him the best you can and redirect the conversation to positive that the two of you have going on. Good luck, it’s tough!!

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Being as honest as possible in a age appropriate manner as to why his father is not coming home this time is the first step in the right direction. Communicating with him on his feelings about it is important also. Children aren’t dumb and not talking about issues in the family with them is upsetting to Children and leaves them confused with unanswered questions that turns into anger usually. Next step in right direction is Counseling because although Communicating with your child on their feelings is important having a professional for him to speak to would be helpful for him also.

You shouldn’t of stayed this long actually and I say this out of being in a same situation as you.I should have left when my daughter was born,but I left when she was 6 and she’s 14 now and blames me for staying so long with her dad that she has issues now.my ex was an alcoholic his whole life and quit lots but always went back …only way to get peace is leave,it’s the only way…

Been there done that. Get your son some counseling too. He needs someone to talk to and vent to, that will help him understand better.

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Since a 5 year old is dictating your life, have a serious talk with him about his dad and his behavior. Daddy is working far away from home and the acting out WILL STOP TODAY. After school activities, good grades with rewards for being good will keep his mind clear and STOP discussing your issues in his presence

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Tell you son the truth about what’s going on with his dad! Maybe get some counseling for the both of you!

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You don’t deserve that n gotta think more of yourself n kids !!

Your son should also be in counseling. They are never too young to learn how to cope with their feelings and make sense of why they are doing the things they are doing.

I have been where you are and beyond honey. My cervical and lumbar/sacral vertebrae are made of titanium. My left shoulder will never work right. BUT my son and I are OK. The first thing and the hardest thing is to cut all ties and say NO. I’m tough. I wrote a book. But that path was mine. You have to find yours. Your little boy, to my trained/untrained ears soundes like he needs help. To talk to someone. Both of you. My son and I did. At different times. My heart hurts for you, please, please go get help for both of you and never look back. God bless you both.

First of all speak directly with your son, make him understand what is the problem. He is not too young to know the truth. Have a talk with him, normally like grown men do, explain that to him, make him understand what you are feeling, why his dad is a bad person for you and him. After that, move, start a new life, like…move everything that reminds him of his dad, old memories or whatever…bring friends…to your house…make things work out for you and him. If you run out of your mind, he will feel that…put yourself togheter and talk to him like he is a grown person.

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Why lie to the kid you will just mess him up. Tell him he’s dad is a hopeless piss head and doesn’t give a shit about him he will respect you for being honest but sugar coat it and lie and he will hate you… only being honest…

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5yo is old enough to have sensed the atmosphere and hear you fighting or the way his father spoke to you.
Its hard for him to understand because Dad was always good to him…but you don’t know what Dad was saying to your son when you were not around…or muttering to himself . Kids hear and notice much more than we think…my daughter was 3yo when I left and a young teen before she asked me if her father hit me or she was just dreaming
Dont bad mouth his Father but explain you and Dad love him lots…but no longer love each other so you’ll live in different houses .
It will be hard and he will ask questions you really dont want to answer…but honesty is a must. Always reassure him its not his fault and you both love him

Speak with the teacher ot see if you can get him screened with the school counselor and see if they can suggest some help as well as sone family support groups

Explain to your son why, age appropriately. Our children should never dictate our lives.

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Run away as far as you can

My heart goes out to you it really does but if this man is disappearing for two or three months at a time and coming back to you for two or three months at a time and this man has another family somewhere you need to check that out even if you do go through his phone you might not find what he is looking for he might be deleting it when he’s with you and on the other hand he might be deleting things when he is with this other family or he might even have another phone that you don’t know about. I am sorry you’re having to go through all of this but I’d get a private detective to check on him when he’s gone

l would sit down with him and explain things to his understanding. Then, get home into counseling to help him get through the tough times.

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I think your son also needs counselling.

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You did the right thing. You could have very well been killed by him. Get counseling for your child as well, he’s already showing the behaviors he picked up from his father, it’s the best thing you can do for the both of you. Hang in there every step you take walking away from an abusive relationship gets easier as you go. Just take it one day at a time. And never go back to him or what you’re going through now will be meaningless.

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Give it time for the changes to kick in. It really doesn’t happen over night that you are both better. There will be ups and downs but it will get better.

Just sit the little boy down and explain everything him… he’s not too young to understand. Just keep emphasising on the fact that his dad isn’t a go.od person… trust me, it’s better to tell him than leaving him like that cos he’s going to grow up and think you’re the ba.d person

You talk about all of the counseling you have received but nothing about your son. He was in that toxic household/relationship too. You’re at a loss? How about help him the way you help yourself?? Some of these posts have to be fake. Smh

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Counseling or therapy ASAP!!! And find out why you are letting a 5 year old act like a tyrant!!!

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Explain to your son in the most age appropriate way you can and get him into counseling also.

Any child will act out when their parents separate and ultimately divorce. That’s pretty much a given. You should look into some counseling for him so he can learn how to deal with it. The counselor at his school should be able to recommend someone. If not them, then ask your own therapist for a recommendation. It’s not any reflection of you as a mother. Kids do not understand why one parent isn’t there as much as they used to be, no matter how much you try to explain it to them. Especially young children. A therapist that deals specifically with this issue, is your best bet.

What a load of twaddle lol

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Your son will not be able to understand this because he is torn between parents.Leaving is for you and him. His safety and yours. Things could get way outta hand if u don’t. Putting it off only carries it over to another day that can turn out worse. Pray and seek help from trusted family and friends

Take him to a professional.

Once you are away from him fir a while you will
Grow stronger your son will
Be upset for a while it is his dad and of cause the boy loves him you will just have to explain you v
Can’t be together anymore and don’t drag dad out to
Much to
Your son it’s gunna be hard but it will be for the better

Put your son in counseling.

Take him to counseling with you… Kids these day know more than we give them credit for… Tell him the truth… He can’t blame you in the long run for that… he thinks how his dad is now, is how people are suppose to act… You have to give them the environment that show them that kind of actions is an illness and not normal…

It’s not love addiction it’s trauma bond

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Just read this back to yourself! Take a deep breath and read it back again.

You’ve already given yourself many reasons to leave. X

Not unusual behavior, but some counselling for your son is a good idea. He may blame you for the dissolution of the family as he has known it… he doesn’t understand “toxic”. Some day he will. Until then you may be a bit of the bad guy who told his daddy to go away…deal with it as best you can, while resisting the urge to talk bad about his dad. That can backfire. Children much older than your son have difficulty adjusting to a situation involving the separation and or divorce of their parents. Give him time and help him deal with his feelings but don’t excuse acting out at school.

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Sit him down and talk to him

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Your child is struggling to understand an adult situation
And he should be seeing a therapist to help him through this tough time that mommy is going through
You should also talk to your therapist as how you can help him deal with his questions and frustrations
Being 5 yrs old and going through parental separation is hard.

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It is good that you are showing your son that his father’s behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise he will grow up just like him!

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Get your son in counseling also.

Children should not know or have to worry about the problems of adults, and he is not at an age to understand it, so please do not disturb him with the issues of his father. Place your your child in counseling, so he can deal with his inability to express his separation anxiety.

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It doesn’t sound like you’re son has ever had a stable father in his life. This separation is not much different than any of the others. Maybe not another few months honeymoon during make up sessions. Get your son in counseling he has had no choice but to live like this his entire life…

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Be as honest with your son as you can without putting his dad down. Don’t speak negatively of his dad in front of him, he will make his own judgements and don’t need your negative thoughts. But also, I think seeking counseling for your son would help, it would give him someone he can confide in with absolutely no judgement and they can help him with options for an out for his hurt and anger. Best of luck to you both.

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I stayed in an abusive relationship for my kids. That was my worst mistake. They will all have lasting scars that they will carry their whole life. Watching the abuse all verbal really hurt their self esteem. There may come a time when your ex will grow up and they will have a relationship but for now protect your sons self esteem. The best thing he can see is you happy and loving. Keep any comments about his dad to yourself. It’s hard I know but you’ll see it’s the best decision for all involved. :heart:

Kids know when we are upset and they act out. Rather than show your frustration, say dads working far away. He will see us when he gets home. It is so much easier for kids than getting upset and blaming themselves or others.

Feel so sorry for you both you both need help try talking to The Samaritans for initial help and guidance my thoughts are with you

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Finally breaking away from abuse and my son is upset, what can I do?

Love addiction?? What is that

Do we have the same baby daddy ?! :joy:

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Can your son go to counseling

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The more stability you create for yourself and your son the easier it’ll get for the both of you. Stick to your guns and keep that man away.

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Explain that he’s too young to understand that your relationship with his dad is unhealthy.

“love addiction” is an actual thing?

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Because it’s not ok for daddy to hurt mommy. I wouldn’t worry about school, take him somewhere to spend quality time. Give him all the love and undivided attention he needs and deserves. It is not his fault and it’ll be ok. One day at a time. Hugs and prayers :heart:

Seek counseling for you and than one together for both of you

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Get your son into therapy!

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You need to explain to your son that sometimes adults change and some times our feeling change too. Remind him he is loved but mommy and daddy need to work some stuff out apart. Please stay strong and get away from this man.

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He’s communicating through anger. He doesn’t quit know how to regulate his emotions and communicate. So this is this way of communicating. Get him into therapy.

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Have you seeked help for your love addiction

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That I completely understand, u called it puppy love, but my ex was emotionally and mentally abusive when we first dated off and on. I kept going back cause I loved him and ignore the pain. But when our daughter was born, I put her needs before my own wants. She needs to be safe. So I left him for good(ish … Long story) and now we’re just friends that care about each other and still include each other in family things. But I let our daughter understand in kid terms what happened the way it happened. Good luck and try to explain to your son that daddy needs to be away to try to get help. Or something

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he.ll get better with time but give him extra attention n get himin some sports n maybe karate to take out frustrations n just tell him dad is sick n has to get better

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You need to seek counseling for him to deal with his father and include a behavioral health therapy if you can

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Run take your son and Run don’t look back! You can do it! Sending prayers for God’s strength and courage :pray::heart:

Explain to him what he is seeing.

I agree with what others say about therapy for you both and individually. Please also communicate with his school, they’ll also be able to help him better when they know what’s going on and why he’s acting out. Ask to have a meeting with his teacher, school psychologist, and principal so a plan can be made to help your son in school and they might also be able to help with resources outside of school. :green_heart::green_heart::green_heart:

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One day your child will understand…until then, love him more on his hardest days. Signed Survivor :two_hearts:

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I would put him in counseling, too, and ignore your ex. He’s lost control over you and he’s going to try anything to make you feel like crap about yourself. I’d maybe put him in some kind of sport or art to let him express himself, along with having family counseling with just you and him. Teach him to journal or to write you notes of how he really feels if it’s too hard to say. You are doing the right thing for him and yourself, believe in that and push forward. He will see one day

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I was in that situation for 17 years stayed in for the kids but it’s abuse to them. I’m happily married now kids understand do you first I will pray :pray: for you

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