So far you have t said anything that sounds outside for the normal of a trauma response. Why do you not limit the foods that you don’t want him to eat like candy and make it’s a special treat and let him have some food/snacks he can have in his room. Maybe some microwave popcorn, fruits, cups of noodles that he can take to the kitchen and heat water with an electric teakettle. Also the peeing thing happens to lots of people that don’t even have trauma. Maybe give him more control over that part of his life. Double wrap his bed with a waterproof mattress protector (cloth kind) and sheets, show him how to start the washer if he feels comfortable and would more privacy when it happens. The first of a child’s life are formative so everything he’s gone through has shaped it changed him. Has he been to a urologist and they ruled out any medical issues, nothing with any of his inside bits, kidneys, bladder, urethra…. Is he having night terrors? He’s not a typical kid that stripping everything away would work for… if someone told you that then are wrong. Have you considered changing his professionals or getting second opinions?
I did the same thing to my 14 year old daughter. She lies, steals and refuses to clean her room. So we stripped it and made it easier for her to clean. We noticed right away a change. Her counselor thinks that when she had all the stuff it over stimulated her and caused anxiety. She has not lied, stolen in weeks now and her room stays clean.
Buy the stuff he’s still stilling tht he doesn’t take things from anyone and give him space and alittle freedom every child is like tht and all the stuff ur saying all normal kids are doing it but u can just tell him if u keep going down tht road ur going to end up like this is that really what u want? I don’t want that for u so can u think twice b4 u do anything crazy. And for the dirty clothes tht also happens but it stops as they grow now my boys at age of 13, 15, and 17 they are doing their own laundry. So it’s all part of life.
My 7 year old daughter is the exact same. Thank you for all these comments…I’m going to try some when she gets home from her Dad’s in 3 weeks.
Bed wetting is a sign of sexual abuse or trauma when they’re that old. The hiding things is probably out of embarrassment (the underwear) and holding food is typical for a child that has grown up without access to what they need so they think they need to hide it for later. Sounds like the assertive approach you’re taking is not what this child needs, an empathic response due to the shame involved would be the best in my opinion. Especially as you adopted this child when they were 4, that’s 4 whole years of trauma they could’ve experienced. You cannot expect perfection from a traumatized elementary school aged child.
You can’t beat or shame the lies our of someone with childhood trauma. He’s not going to quit lying, so quit setting him up to lie. Don’t ask him questions that he won’t tell the truth to. Tell him what you know and go from there. You are setting him up for failure. He’s ashamed of the bed wetting and the more of a big deal you make of it the more he’s going to hide it. I think you may need to look for some childhood trauma parenting classes or something.
Again…HES NOT GOING TO STOP LYING!
Please join this group! It’s for men and women in DV situations or that have been in a DV situation before. It’s used to find support, advice and resources from those who have been through the same trauma during a relationship. I hope it can help at least someone.
Bed wetting is also common in children with adhd. Which also honestly mimics a lot of the behavior issues you’ve said. Only you know your child. I pray it gets easier.
He’s from foster care. I know 6 years seems like a long time to have worked through it, but the thing she’s experienced in that first 4 years has probably traumatized him to his core and he’s just now starting to learn how to handle it or even start to process it. These are common foster child issues and I know it’s exhausting but you don’t know what happened to him before you adopted him out and you don’t know what he’s thinking. This behavior seems like he thinks he might be on the way out of your home. You need to find a way to make him know he’s welcome forever.
sounds to me like he’s still because of his back ground doesn’t trust that you love him so he’s pushing you all the time as a defensive strategy. Because he feels unlovable, his self esteem is rock bottom he thinks because he has been rejected in the past it’s only a matter of time for it to happen again so doesn’t want anyone to get close enough to hurt him again . Self preservation and he probably because of his age doesn’t even realise what he’s doing or why. His survival instincs just say "stay one step ahead " . Love him unconditionally 
keep telling him you love him with all of your heart no matter what . The more fear he feels the more acting out he will do. Perhaps.he thinks the older he gets the more likely hood there will be to get rid of him. In his head he can probably understand that anyone can love a cute 4yr old but an older child… its OK to tell him you love him with all of your heart forever he’s your child but sometimes you don’t like him because of his behaviour. But nothing will ever stop you loving him.
As a child I was removed from my mothers care, I also did the same things this guy is doing. The reason behind the actions mostly are caused by trauma he has gone through. I’m he stealing of food items is a survival behavior. He may not have had food available and he learned to hide food so he would have it. As far as asking for it? I didnt ask for food for fear of being told no. Or worse. You have to put yourself in his position. Maybe have a bin of appropriate snacks he doesn’t have to ask for. Letting him know there will always be food. Just because he has been with you for years does not make his trauma any less. I am 30 years old and I still go through these things. As far as the stealing of toys, having a common room of toys is a great idea. And lying could also be from fear. Just because someone has been removed from trauma does not mean they don’t experience the effects of that trauma the rest of their lives. You’re doing great mama.
Sounds like add/odd.
Take him off of dairy products and that might help the bed wetting. Look up lactose intolerance
Kids often lie out of fear … who knows what all his innocent lil heart has been through?
Ignore the lies -
Do not punish him … just love him -
He will outgrow it, I promise.
Take each moment a it comes … do NOT bring up the past offenses …
Have you had a look at the group therapeutic parenting on fb run by sarah naish? Or at the website Beacon House, they specialise in developmental trauma… Good luck, i have 11 year old AS x
He’s been removed from his family very young, that was his safe place (even if it wasn’t) so everything else is scary, think about it from his point of view. Did he have other foster carers too?so many kids are mistreated through the system,
Those could be symptoms of ADD/ADHD. No impulse control is one of the signs, which can result in lying and hiding stuff. My 6 year old started Concerta and it’s been seriously life changing. He himself even says he feels better on it. I was against it at first, but it’s been the best decision.
The hiding food is understandable. Maybe sometimes nobody gave him any. The rest is…someone needs to say this, it’s genuinely concerning.
He might get better. I hope he does. But it needs to be addressed that there’s Macdonald Triad stuff present here in the bedwetting, coupled with chronic lying. Apart from the lying where he clearly doesn’t, does he ever act like he has a conscience? How is he around animals? How is he around fire? Is there anything behind his eyes? Have you ever seen any signs of empathy? Is he violent at all? Ask yourself how you’d feel leaving him alone with a younger sibling and work off of your answer to that question. You need to answer all this for yourself and evaluate if this is a salvageable situation. I hope it’s not actually something that serious, and it might not be. Good luck sis.
Those are all signs and red flags of trauma.
Robyn Gobbel - Attachment, Trauma, & Adoption
Follow her and get your child a therapist who explains to you that the lying, stealing food, etc are all part of a trauma response
Signs of seperation and trauma at a young age.
First of all if food is available all the time how is he “stealing snacks”? Instead of being harsh with him wich pretty much seems is pretty normal behavior of a 10 year old besides bed wetting try talking calmly about it.
Adopted at about a year My daughter had food stashed every where. Common for children. Who spent time hungry.
Before he came to you, he had no sense of trust much less possessions. The fear of losing everything is always
Families meeting, family board games. Instead of punishment ask what was he thinking when he did xyz. Accept what he says. What could he do instead? How would it feel if it were you? It’s embarrassing to wet and get punished for it. A x abuse, stress, shame. Some things you will never know
Have him keep a journal for feelings and share as he wishes. Sometimes draw it out and gave him tell a story
Lots of hugs, hands on shoulders from siblings too
Give him choices and some control over his life
Is there a group where he can talk to other fostered and adopted children? Being around others who understand first hand what you have been through is a gateway to healing imo.
He is obviously feeling anxious and pushing his boundaries. Does he know he’s adopted, are your other children? Personally I would try and get him into hobbies where you can take part too. More one on one time, lots of hugs, show him you’re not going anywhere.
Play thearpy is really good too. I would give him all his the stuff in his room back and set a ground rule like. It’s fine if you need a late night snack but if you do please eat it at the table or something. My boys are both still pretty young and my oldest will wake up super early like 4:30-5am and act like he’s never been fed in his life. He use to take food into his room thinking I would be mad at him for eating so damn early. I just sat him down as was like look if your hungry eat but please eat at the table. I don’t want food in your room because it attracts bugs. Lying is a rough one. Build trust, should him he can depend on you and no matter what he says you will love him. Get down to the root cause of the lie. Is he lying out of fear? Is he lying because when he was honest before someone hurt him for it? Does he think he got removed from his previous home because he was honest? Sooo soo much to think about.
Responding aggressively towards a child who has experienced trauma is not going to solve struggles you may have. Family counseling or parent/child interactive therapy would help.
My step son did a lot of these things. Actually he did literally all of them, and more (like harming his autistic non verbal sister, stealing and breaking her stuff, etc) what’s been working for us is not making a big deal out of it. Negative attention is still attention, so if he has a big offense, it’s grounded to your room, no big talk, no long lecture, just in your room, but only for big offenses. I’m not saying we ignore the behavior, but we just choose our battles, and we don’t give negative attention even when he does something bad. We’ve been where you are now, stripped his room etc. None of it worked. He’s actually been asking for stuff and very good lately 
but it was a rough 2 years while we all figured it out. My step son also has trauma and you have to be understanding of that’s where a lot of the behaviors are coming from.
I just want to remind you that the decision making process is controlled by the frontal lobe … with that being said… the frontal lobe does not fully develop until at least 20-21 years of age
I feel like it may be attention seeking behavior. Try positive reinforcement instead of taking things away. Reward even the smallest victories and give lots of hugs and verbal praise. I was adopted and it took so much to feel like I was really loved and wanted. I cant help but put myself in your little boys shoes. If my room was stripped down and I was yelled at all the time i would feel so unwanted by people who are saying they love and want me. Your actions are not matching your words in his eyes, heart and mind.