I feel very lost and hope I can get some anonymous advice..
My ex husband I divorced in 2015. It was very civil and we were co parenting our 5 kids together very well. We put a LOT of work into making ourselves the best parents and friends we could be.
In July of 2020 I became extremely sick with covid. My ex moved into our home to take care of the kids while I quarantined on the upper level of the house. I was sick and in and out of the hospital for about 6 weeks. During that time we communicated better than we ever had. When I came out of quarantine, we reconnected. Started dating casually without letting the kids now.
Around Christmas of 2020 he really wanted to tell the kids we were dating. We both had concerns but told the kids regardless. It seemed like a real live dream come true, that the family would be back together.
Around March, I started struggling with depression again. I started to pull away a bit and tried to explain that it was because I was feeling so badly mentally and I needed some time to figure out the medicine and therapy again with my dr.
He started becoming very insecure because I was withdrawing from any type of touch or affection. We saw a few couples counselors who wanted to really dive into the reasons we had divorced to maybe help identify why I was feeling so depressed. I feel like he started to resort back to things he did in the past after thatâŠi.e. controlling my friendships, getting extremely upset and calling/texting obsessively if I was out of the house, even at the store or my work, going through my phone every night while I slept.
Fast forward to now (August 2021), and I feel like we are back in time, In the worst parts of our marriage. I am completely closed off from him and he is extremely jealous and on high alert of every little thing. Whether itâs me calling my sisters or a girl friend, or staying late at work. We never argue or even really talk. I know he is struggling with his own insecurities too.
I feel like we are BOTH slipping deeper into a bad pattern. My thing is, I couldnât imagine ever ever ever putting our kids (who are now much older) through a second divorce with the same damn set of parents.
My question is, is there a way to reverse this and make our happy ending happen? Do we just stay unhappy and keep our family unit together? Iâm lost.
You need to get past those fear and anxiety and love you husband before your kids go threw another divorce is sounds like your distance is the stem of the issues I would really do some self reflection for a day and just see how you are doing you day to day mentally if your thoughts are negative from just emotions or from real inconveniences that bother you ect write down in notes how you feel threw the day about anything negative see if you notice a pattern is it something you can fix or work on best of luck
I would continue counseling and if you both want this to work you have to let go of the past stuff and focus on now and the future. Gotta see the old patterns and not continue them.
Think about the first divorce and how much it broke your heart and what things you told yourself you wish you would have/ should have done differently and apply that. This is the second chance, and not many couples get those. Stop doing it for your children, thatâs a perk, but do it for yourself. Allow yourself to fall for that man, learn to let him love you completely without fear. You had children with him, one of lifeâs most difficult yet beautiful journeys and you chose HIM. Obviously you love him and he loves you, so let it happen. Eliminate his fears and allow yourself to be loved fearlessly!
You need to communicate! I went through 2 marriages because I would explain how I felt and what changes I would like to take place and they would tell me what they want and needed. I did my best as a wife but it was me doing 80 them 20. Now in a relationship where we talk and work together it is a partnership. I have insecurities like none other and so does he though I tell him how I feel and ask questions and he does the same. We do not want to play games we both been through enough in relationships we want a solid relationship based on honesty, trust and communication
You need therapy. Both of you. Separate places. And then after a few months, go to couples. If you need meds, get them. You have to understand how HE FEELS too, your feelings arenât the only ones that matter here.
I have an aunt and uncle who separated when their kids were very very young and when their kids were in their 20âs they reconnected. Maybe itâs just not your time yet. Maybe yâall need more time apart to figure out who you are. If youâre really meant to be take a little time apart and see if it does any good. You do both have your issues. Take some time to work on them and then you can come back and try the relationship again. Donât call it quits just yet. Just re-evaluate things.
Anything is possible. Maybe now is not the right time but that can always change in the future. You both are struggling with your own issues and should know not to take it personal on each other. Staying together unhappy for the sake of the kids will cause trauma in the long run. Not only for the both of you but the kids as well. I say donât make any drastic moves or changes until the both of you are completely ready and agree on the subject.
No. You do not stay unhappy! You deserve to be happy. Youâve said that heâs controlling and thatâs not healthy for either of you. To keep the kids happy (and for your own sake) if going back to being friends is what needs to be done then take that step.
Try finding a therapist that you both click with. I think therapy is good for everyone, but it can take time to find âyoursâ. If you want it to work, thatâs really the best option. You can also do it on your own but it can be more difficult. Did something happen previously that made him act this way or is this just his normal behavior? If itâs normal, he really needs to pay attention in therapy and understand the way he is so he can work on it. I would not recommend just staying together un-happily, which is very hard since you have kids and youâve been through a divorce but i personally think it would be better to be separate and happy then together and depressed. Definitely try therapy more though, learn to both drop your egos & really try. I wish you the best
It sounds like he has had a relationship in the past where trust was broken, and he was severely hurt. Maybe talk with him about whatâs bothering you? You guys both need to put yourselves first. Communicate, and try to remember what brought you two back together in the first place. Let him know how youâre feeling and what he can/needs to do to help you.
all these things talking about his bad relationship when all the problems started with u feeling depressedâŠtry to explain to the man that u are feelings depressed u are not pulling away from him per say but it is jus that u feel even far from yourselfâŠexplain to him what it is that u think wil aid u in overcoming your feelingsâŠand most importantly you have to acknowledge your role in the issues by fixing your depression and taking control of your own feelingsâŠi wish you the best
If your children are old enough and mature enough to understand (only you will be able to judge this), then communicate with them. I would much prefer my parents separated and happy as individuals then miserable together for the sake of me and my siblings.
Seems like you need help to work on yourself first. Perhaps you are using your withdrawals as weapons knowing full well the effect it would have on himâŠpunishing one another for prior hurts has short term satisfaction, work on forgiving and finding the depths of your love and rebuild or move onâŠ
The best way to resolve this issue is communication. communicate with him. Go out , spend some time together and talk with him. Tell him , he need to have patience and as much u can tell him in details about your feelings. Listen to him. You will see the way. Let your kids know that you both having issues. Itâs good to let them know. So it wonât strike them. Remember sometimes a small misunderstanding can cause big issues. When u r communicating with each other. Lots of issues resolves easily. May be it will help ur depression too.
Sounds like you both thought the problems from the past just vanished and everything would be normal. Unfortunately they reared their ugly head once again. You both have issues you need to work on within yourselves and I think a good counselor would be a great help. As long as you both are suffering with personal issues, itâs not going to matter who you are with. Divorce should be a last resort. The kids sound old enough to understand that you and dad are going to do your best to work on your issues, even if it may mean a temporary separation. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of the family unit is anything BUT healthy for the kids, theyâre smarter than you think. Sounds to me like the marriage is definitely salvageable, with a lot of personal effort on both parts.
Kids will know something isnât right. Look, I was in a bad marriage for 18 years. I stayed 18 years longer than I should have and tried everything to fix it. Donât waste anymore time being in a marriage that youâre both not happy in. Life is too short. Work on yourself, your children will understand even if it isnât straight away. He isnât going to change, please see that.
Most relationships end because things snowball into a giant problem when they shouldâve been worked out little by little along the way. If you want to fix things, you both need to sit down and take a deep deep breath and let the snowball go if you want a healthy relationship. In one hand is the relationship, the other is the snowball. Choose.
I get out he hasnât changed youâre better friends then husband and wife you tried be happy you have One Life to Live happy your kids will be growing up and you will be the only two people and that house if youâre not happy now you wonât be then
You need to work on your mental health. When a woman posts on her that her man doesnât show affection, or attention and is staying late etc everyone jumps on the he is cheating band wagon. Itâs a typical reaction. He needs to work on his insecurities. And together you need to work on your communication. If all this is done. You could have a successful marriage
You shouldnât have started dating again to begin with if he is that obsessive and controlling. Those are some serious red flag abusive behaviors. Gunna go with heâs cheating on you. Iâve never met a man that insecure who isnât like that cuz heâs afraid of getting caught. Theyâve all been terrified of getting caught themselves. He is absolutely gaslighting you as well. You talk to him and put a stop to it and you say NO! This behavior is toxic and dangerous to me and my mental health and this is NOT happening. You stop this behaviour immediately or you get yourself some therapy on your own or you get the hell out of the house and we continue on our divorced lives. The kids will figure it out- they may need some counseling too though. Just remember a happy unabused mom means more to those kids than their parents being together
Youâve taken the first step by acknowledging you are equally to blame, in different ways. Chart your childhoods and behavior of your parents of whomever raised you. See if you are repeating generational patterns. A theme comes to mind here and I may be totally wrong. Molestation and abandonment. He is clingy and afraid of abandonment, you have intimacy issues and need your space. Start with examining these themes with a good counselor.
You will not be able to change his insecure behavior and unless he wants to change it, things will remain the same. Let him know that it is a turn off for you, and specifically what he is doing, so he can make an effort to change. His cutting you of from family and friends is not normal behavior, and apparently, He doesnât understand that his obsessive behavior is affecting your relationship and unless he makes the effort to stop doing these things, you cannot get back/stay with him.
I do not have advice to give about your relationship. But as a child of 2 divorces (from the same set of parents specifically lol), try everything you can to fix it. For my parents the 2nd time around, it was clear my dad only did it for us (the kids). It was clear he wasnât happy and it was sad to watch it unfold and to be able to come to understand everything after the fact.
You both need to decide what you want with this relationship. If you want to stay together then you need to talk about whatâs happening. If he isnât easy to talk to then maybe you need counselling together or individually. Talk if you can.
You each need to be willing to get therapy just for self and then also couples therapy. Otherwise I always remember what Dr. Phil had told a couple. âKids know whats going on and would rather be from a broken home than live in oneâ.
Yes, split.
You started positively, saying how good and friendly it had been, while you were apart.
And then the demoralisation started. You felt depressed because of him! You said âagainâ, as if once you left him the depression receded. Now youâre back, so is the depression.
He now has you dependant, so he is now again in control of you, so youâre getting depressed again.
The contolling is his problem, he is a very weak and insecure man, one you can never cure. So get yourself back out of there, the kids will understand, Iâm sure theyll be relived!
Oh dear lord good lady. Both need help with issues. Depression can cause problems on both sides
But as my dad used to say. No point in flogging a dead horse. Do what you need to do for happiness. Kids will understand. Xxx
I would really do some self reflection for a day and just see how you are doing you day to day mentally if your thoughts are negative from just emotions or from real inconveniences that bother you ect write down in notes how you feel threw the day about anything negative see if you notice a pattern is it something you can fix or work on 
best of luck
