How do you support or forgive your husband after a DUI? Last weekend my husband was arrested for driving while severely drunk. I believe the legal term for it was super drunk. He had to sit in jail until he blew complete zero… 16 hours after his arrest he was finally released but now we have all the fines, losing his license, increase in car insurance, lawyer fees, court fees etc. I have been telling him for YEARS not to not drink and drive and I am so angry he didn’t listen to me and still continue driving weekend after weekend drunk! He could have killed himself or someone else. He says he needs my support but I’m am so angry at him! We barely get by living paycheck to paycheck and now because of his selfish “I do what I want” ways, I don’t know how we are going to make it. We need a new house and my car is broke down on top of everything….
When I met my NOW husband, he had just received his 2nd DWI, lost his license and racked up SO much money in legal fee. Add a million court dates to that because he took it to a jury trial. It’s hard. Having to be the one driving to and from, making most of our money, paying for the monthly calibration on his breathalyzer machine that had to be carried in a backpack because he had no vehicle to put it in. Everyone is so quick to say AA but in reality, that’s not for everyone. I FORCED my husband to go and it only made him resent me. He had to come to terms with his addiction on his own and hitting rock bottom was the solution. If it were to happen again, I’d have no choice but to leave because he’s looking at 10 years in prison. The thought of missing our kids graduate and grow up is what keeps him almost completely on the straight and narrow. Good luck to you
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I forgive my husband for getting a DUI?
Leave him make him pay them on his own then he will learn
Make him sign up for AA.
Well what’s done is done…apparently figure it out or leave.
Through thick and thin. It’s not easy but be open minded, listen and find a compromise.
He needs help or leave! If he’s drinking that much and you’re living paycheck to paycheck… how much is he spending on alcohol?? I went thru this and am now single, and I make very little money these days raising my daughter alone and guess what… all good fines and court fees went with him…
Soooo… my husband got a dui because he decided to drive to the hospital where I was with out son after I didn’t answer…the police had him outside and when I walked out he was standing there… I was shocked but looked at the officer like r u taking him or am i😂 he goes I will you can come get him in a few hours… I had.to.wait I wanna say 2 hours and he was I denial the whole ride home. And this was dui #2… he likes to.drive drunk literally all the time. I never forgave him. I filed divorce
It sounds like he has a problem. Maybe get him some AAA meetings maybe even rehab if his drinking is that bad. Part of being married is getting angry but supporting one another. Maybe even therapy for both of you will help?
For better or worse.
I’d leave. Not only did he possibly risk his life but he could have ended someone else’s and some things or risks aren’t forgive able.
It’s a very expensive and hard thing to go through. When it happened to my husband he totaled our family car and we just had a baby. 45,000 dollars later we finally have a home and cars and he has a good job and is off probation. Biggest thing is he became sober because he knew that he was gonna lose me if he did not and I became sober with him. 3 years later and we are living a decent life.
He apparently has some underlying issues that he may be suppressing with alcohol
Family counseling, AA, Al-Anon
The willing to stand by his side
The loss of trust is hard to rebuild so
Stay strong mama
If you love him and want to stay married then you forgive him and hope he’s learned his lesson otherwise consider separating
You don’t need to support him. He’s chosen to drink and drive and cause chaos in your family. Talk to a therapist to decide what you want and he can fix his own mess
Sound alike he needs a second job and a public transportation card.
You sent him the punany
I’d give an “I’ll support all efforts you make toward getting sober but I refuse to enable you” and push him into AA/rehab
What you allow is what will continue
Maybe jail and all involved is what it took for him to realize how his actions can and do affect the family…I would give him some slack., you can pull through this, financially and emotionally.
Chances are he wont change. For your sake, I hope he does.
AA meetings, individual therapy, and marriage counseling.
Sorry. An ex husband ended up with 5. He had 3 before we got together and were together for 15 years when he acquired the other 2. My current boyfriend got one when we left a wedding, I was riding shot gun. Let it go. Or let him go. You can’t change him
Ask Nancy P., she’s an expert.
For me, this would be a dealbreaker but that’s coming from someone who had a baby early due to a drunk driver and many friends killed
I recommend you go to Alanon & therapy as soon as possible
When u married him you vowed for better or worse so worse is rearing and u have to ask yourself? Good times married only??
Damn, you know what? You just do. Stick by him. My husband stuck by me through my multiple, and I mean multiple fuck ups. As did I him. Was it easy? No. Worth it? Yes. You find a way, don’t judge him, support him to do better.
My hubby got one but they let him call someone to take him home and drive his truck home. I didn’t talk to him for a couple days and i spoke my feelings. I got told I overreacted but i dont think so. He hasn’t done it since and that was almost 7 years ago
You get a job. Either stay married or don’t. Silly reason to divorce but seems like you’re not gonna let it go. Super drunk isn’t a legal term. But go on
You should’ve left his ass YEARS ago for drinking and driving. He’s never gonna stop.
Give him psilocybin, every 2 weeks until he works his alcoholism out. Psilocybin and psychedelics in general helps to fix addiction. Trust me. I have seen it work
I’m sorry but no. He drives drunk you leave him.
Tell him to pay his fines and his own court cost
He’s gotta pay for his own! I wouldn’t be giving him a penny towards anything
Umm…sorry for being off topic but what’s with the disgusting people who laughed at this???
I feel for this person! His selfish and thoughtless actions don’t qualify him to be husband or father material. Be angry, do what you have to do and then move on to better days when you’re ready. Drop that drop kick. The same people laughing and saying forgive him would probably feel differently if he killed someone they love.
I’m really shocked that all these women are telling you to leave your husband over a DUI. Yes, I know how serious a DUI is! But, it sounds like your husband needs help. Remember your vows!
I’m sorry honey but this is your final push to let his ass go. He’s done it for years so this is his perpetual cycle and he’s only going to drag you down further .
Let him go .
Join a Al alon group.
You sound like a gold digger who doesn’t work that was just a rant about money I’ve gotten 3 duis in my life it’s not a big deal as long as you work
Honestly I’d leave at this point. Or give him some heavy ultimatums to go to treatment for his alcoholism or your gone. Him going impatient somewhere asap would also help his court case like a lot. Ultimately do what’s best for you though
He needs a second job to pay all of the fees, fines etc. it shouldn’t come out of the household budget.
All of the comments saying leave him is sickening. Given he screwed up big time and deserves whatever consequences he gets, but you don’t just leave and turn your back on someone you love and are building a future with…id give him a chance to get his act together and tell him no more drinking… if he continues to disrespect your wishes then leave after that, but not just from one mistake
A dui doesn’t mean he’s an alcoholic lol idk why some of you are talking about aa meetings. You either forgive him or you don’t, he will either learn from it or he won’t. Life is too short to make a long ordeal about it. People make mistakes. You can not expect him to listen.
Leave him if you can.
If this was me? Divorce. Zero tolerance for this. Absolutely disgusting.
Are you his mother??? It’s not up to you to forgive or to tell anyone anything… believe me he knows he f. Up
You don’t. He could have killed someone. He’s a dumbass.
You cannot think in hypotheticals…“he could have” blah blah, yeah he could have BUT HE DIDN’T…Tell me that your entire life you listened and followed anyone’s rules…everyone has a point in their life where they have to learn the hard way, this was his.
I hate when people bring hypotheticals to a situation that wasn’t the facts of what happened.
Sounds like an alcoholic. He needs to stop but are you willing to go through all the lows with him? There no shame if you cant. Some people cant but i would join alanon. I started going to local groups.
I waant strong enough to stay with my ex after him “trying and trying” to quit.
I guess it would depend on him, if I were you. I’d be able to forgive and move on eventually, if he got sober and stayed that way. If he plans to just fiddle f*ck around and not do anything to seek help for his obvious addiction, I’d bounce.
Leave him. Esp if this is an ongoing issue, for years like you said. Should’ve left a long time ago
This is going to be a very unpopular comment but I’m going to anyway lol. Did Nancy Pelosi write this in? Come on Nancy tell the truth this is you isn’t it? Lol
He can get the extra job and pay for all his fees and classes he will have to take.
He will have to be the one using public transportation.
He will issued AAA meeting where he has to go or he won’t get his license back.
I know it’s stressful but it’s all on him.
It’s gonna be years to finally get family life back on track. It is for better or worse but he has to show improvement and build trust back. Don’t throw it in his face over and over again. I think ur taking on too much stress and buying a new house has to be postponed.
My ex had serious drinking issues, I forgave a dui and helped him with going to classes, getting to work. All of it. he ended up getting another one. I say, make him step up and face the music himself. If he has to take a bus, thats his problem. He did what he wanted, now he can deal with the consequences.
Stop helping him,
If he has that attitude of “I do what I want when I want” then let him pay all his fines and etc by himself. Or if your that upset with him leave him . It’s clear it doesn’t listen to how your feeling
It might be time to leave. But if not tell him this is it, he needs to figure out how to deal with the repercussions and if it happens again you are done.
Sorry…but who the [email protected]# laugh reacts to this??? I have seen SO MANY POSTS on here where woman are asking for legitimate ADVICE and are received with nothing but [email protected]#$%& LAUGH reactions!!! You bitches that are “laugh” reacting to serious questions by members need to GET THE FUCK OFF THIS PAGE!!! I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF SEEING ALL THE LAUGH REACTS ON VERY PERSONAL POSTS ASKING FOR LEGITIMATE ADVICE!!! ADMINS CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE BLOCK THE [email protected]#$^& [email protected]#$ THAT RESPOND BY LAUGHING AT PEOPLE!!! THANKS!!!
One question to ask yourself…
Would you rather spend the rest of your life with him or without him?
Then follow your heart
Good. People like this need to be pulled over. Hopefully he learns.
Easy; you say “I forgive you, but I will not forget this or how it happened. You have lost trust from me but with time you can earn it back”
Hopefully this will be his low point!
This is where for better or worse comes in…and in sickness and in health! Good luck!
At this point he needs support, but maybe he will realize he made a mistake and will learn from his lesson…
For better or worse I thought was the deal.
My boyfriend got one in January. I supported him even after he said he didn’t need a mother. 1 month ago he got another one before he has even gone to court for other one , I broke up with him
You prolly drove him to drinking with all you f#$&ing nagging they prolly gave him a mini vaca away from you and your aptitude!!!
If you’re married didn’t you say for better or worse!!???
Of course his worst was apparently say I DO to someone like you!!!
He needs support for being sick. When drinking you do not think rationally after the first drink. Support him in seeking help. Encourage him in seeking help and him making an effort. You will forgive him when he changes and he will need the support from a group. We cannot do this alone. Will be praying for you and your family
If you struggle because of them, it’s time to go
It makes me sad how many people suggest bailing.
Alcoholism is a disease. Yes, it’s easy to say don’t do it and I fully agree that it could have been substantially worse and you have a right to be angry. You have a right to be hurt. You have a right to make him work this off and feel the consequences. But you promised to love this person in sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poorer. You’re in the thick of it.
Come up with a plan that makes him feel the repercussions. Get him into AA. Be angry but allow yourself to forgive because not one of us is beyond making a colossal mistake like this. He has to earn your trust again. Forgiveness isn’t immediate but comes in time.
He needs to figure out how to pay that ! Tbh he could have Killed a innocent person and I’d make him sit and watch horror stories about it !
I’d make him pick up extra work and pay his own fines and fees !
There’s no way in hell Drunk driving is acceptable, and the fact you say you have to keep telling him it sounds like he needs help with alcohol!
Tell him how you feel & make him pay for it. Til death do us part is the vow. You have no obligation to pay for any of that. Maybe he will learn
Ewwww leave that drama. Save yourself!
He’s not gonna change so only you can decide if you can continue living this way. Alcoholism is progressive and will likely get worse
If that’s the worst thing that ever happens to you (both) you should be happy
This is a deal breaker for me. I would be out. Luckily I don’t drink and my husband drinks just a few times a yr. I have many family members that were alcoholics
It’s understandable to be angry because you now have to help pick up the pieces from someone else’s mistake. But you are a team, you can be angry, and still show support. Also, I recommend finding a good therapist rather than social media.
He may end up doing prison time.
Have him get a part time job to pay the fines , don’t take it from your already tight budget . He needs to agree to counseling , if he doesn’t care enough to try and get sober then he doesn’t deserve his family . I couldn’t respect someone that doesn’t give a F**k about other peoples lives or leaving his wife a widow and children without a father .
Everyone makes mistakes, First DUI? Help him get through it, do it together, maybe he has something going on in his life, to have made such a poor decision, Not worth a divorce that cost you more than the DUI ,work through it together, That’s what marriage is, I can see you being upset, Not something to be proud of ,DUI is frowned upon, When I say work together, I don’t mean you pay his fines ,that would be his problem ,you can get through this though
My husband is somewhat in the same position. Not a DUI case but because of excessive tickets he had his license taken for 5 years and now has to have a hardship license, SR22 insurance and we had to pay a lot of money. It’s so very frustrating because I’ve told him SO many times to slow down and pay attention. It’s childish in my opinion but he’s had a lot of growth since then. If you believe your husband will change then let him prove that to you but ultimately this is your choice if you want to give him that opportunity.
Everyone telling her to leave him! Wow. Yes it’s HORRIBLE what he did but come on. It’s so easy for other people to tell someone to just leave but they wouldn’t do it themselves if they really loved the guy.
If you feel that you have to forgive him for this, you have far worse problems than his DUI!
With these comments, no wonder the relationships failure is so high. We are all human, we are all going to make mistakes. We all also deserve forgiveness.
I’m not saying that it’s going to be better overnight. Put your boundaries in place. Allow him time to fix himself and the situation. He fucks it up, you leave.
Hopefully he learns his lesson. 1x shame on him 2x… well… don’t put up with it
I know you’re mad at him but he needs you’re support. Have him pay for the fines and etc himself. Don’t help him pay for anything than he may learn his lesson and not drink and drive
Sweetie, if it’s causing you severe stress, walk. Don’t let these people suggesting you stay in a toxic relationship get to you. Everyone is different. If he’s had chances and won’t change, then it’s totally okay for you to choose to not indulge him anymore. Help if you can, try to help him seek treatment and be by his side. But if he refuses, that’s not your burden to bear.
Apparently it only REALLY became a problem because he got caught. You knew he was doing it, you should t be surprised. You need to get him to get help, both of you to get help, or just leave him if you’ll never get over it. I have no respect for people that wanna play games with my life.
He is making poor decisions that endangered himself and others and continues the “I do what I want” attitude. You have to make a choice. Continue to live with it because obviously that’s what he plans on doing, or tell him no rehab, no wife and if he don’t go you leave him and go build a better life.
There is no excuse for his actions. But usually with alcoholics that do drink regularly. They don’t feel as though they’re that drunk.
Hopefully this will be a wake up call that he needs.
I would expect him to acknowledge that he has a problem.
I disagree with the commenters saying she should stay because marriage is for better or worse. Alcoholism and putting others in danger because of it is just as bad as domestic violence (and can go together). You wouldn’t tell a domestic violence victim to say because she agreed to stay together for better or worse. He is choosing to continue to drink and not get help
I’d be done its torture living with an alcoholic they WILL NOT CHANGE unless they want to
Throw the whole man away.
For better or worse until what tho? Until he does it again. Until it’s another fight. Until it’s worse? Only you know what you’ve been thru and what you can handle and how many times you’ve approached a very real and very serious situation. For better or worse yea but not constant disrespect, wanting the safety for your partners and others. People stay in relationships too long hoping someone will change but when you state your concerns and issues and they simply don’t care enough to do better then wtf is the point. There’s a certain point where support turns into enabling.
Shouldn’t haft figure it out on your own sit him and talk about where we go from here and what’s going to be leaned from it you must forgive if he only made one big mistake
What the literal hell is wrong with y’all???
First off, hi somewhere recovering alcoholic and drug addict here at TWENTY THREE. I’ve gone off the deep end with alcohol MULTIPLE times.
Second off, ask him what happened to drive to drink heavy that night. What’s bothering him to make feel the need to. Addiction hides certain feelings by the use of alcohol or drug. (Mine is pissed off and just generally coping with shitty situations that I can’t help myself out of)
How do you expect us to navigate through something like with you as our spouse. It’s mind blowing that someone is close minded enough to not realize this habit can be broken by a fucking simple act as a decent wife you should’ve been.
In all honesty if I had known he was driving drunk for years I would’ve called the police myself I would rather there be fines/fees than the possibility of fatalities. And I say if your car is broke down…use his…he won’t be using it for a while (if you happen to have 2 cars). I suggest you go to marriage counseling if you want to save your relationship…if this is the last straw and this isn’t changing his outlook on things…then it might be time to walk away.
If it were me, I’d be telling him he needed to figure out how to pay his fines. He CHOSE to drink and drink. That is not a mistake, that’s a choice! He made that decision and you do not need to stand by him for this. I wouldn’t divorce him, but I’d definitely be making him deal with this on his own.
Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to get up maybe he’s learned his lesson without hurting anyone you can forgive but not forget get him some help for his drinking most importantly there are churches with support groups that will help you also