How can I get my boyfriends daughter to stop being so disrespectful to me?

My boyfriend and I recently got back together after 17 years. We actually dated when we were 17. Engaged even. Things didn’t work out as we were young and dumb. Anyway fast forward, we’re back together. I have loved this man since I was 17. Not a day has gone by that I didn’t think of him. I have 3 kids(he actually was with me when I had my oldest), however my kids respect him so much. They’re not rude, they enjoy his company. They have accepted him & adore him. They love when he comes to their sport or choir events. He is seriously the man of my dreams!! One of the good ones I should say. However he has a daughter in her teens. She is an amazing person, when she wants to be. Let’s call her Kaylie…I care a lot about her and want to be there for her as much as I can. Her mom doesn’t see her often and things have been extremely rough for her since her parents split up a couple years ago. So Kaylie lives with us full time. She is on meds for ADHD meds, she is now on mood stabilizers. Kaylie won’t open up to anyone but me after a huge blow up and argument of her being disrespectful to me. Then she lets out everything that’s bothering her. So much that she won’t even let her parents Go to the meds doctor to talk about her feelings, but will let me in the room? She lets me explain how mean and hateful she can be, so she gets the proper help because her parents “sugar coat” her behavior.

My boyfriend has pretty much given her her way for a very long time and let her parent herself. Kaylies parents have even let her in on adult conversations as to why they split up. So kaylies pretty upset with how things went down. When my boyfriend and I were younger, he did cheat on me with her Mom. That’s why we split up. He went back and fourth with us. Then finally i gave up and let him have kaylies mom. Kaylies mom found out we’re back together and is a bit bitter. I GET IT!! I was nervous about her finding out and all kinds of stuff happening. Which it is, but she’s finally came around to the thoughts of us. However, ever since Kaylie has found out about stuff that happened 17 years ago. She is extremely rude and hateful to me. She yells at me and makes me feel like I’m a horrible person for being in her and her dads life. I have came out and asked her if she’d rather her dad and I not be together and she swears she wants us together. She’s told me my kids and I have accepted her in our family, but refuses to let us in. It’s to the point my kids are getting upset because she is so disrespectful to me. I don’t know how to help her. I have told her I don’t want to replace her mom, but I want to be her friend if she’ll let me. She does some days, but most days it’s nothing but hate. How can I help her? How can I get her to not be so disrespectful to me? We’ve went shopping together we’ve got our nails done together. I’ve taken her places her dad wouldn’t. I’ve gave her money. I’ve helped her when she finally was being punished for some behavior. I am there for her to talk to. I just don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if we can’t get this under control, I may lost them both.

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I think she needs to let her feelings out. To me it sounds like she’s having a rough time accepting that her dad was with you and her mom basically at the same time. Which sounds normal. I would say maybe get her into therapy, or maybe you your boyfriend and her sit down once a week to talk about things. Your boyfriend needs to be involved too, I’m sure he thinks she just has normal feelings about the situation & she does, but how she goes about it is not okay. You have been there for her, helped her, took care of her, etc so she does need to give you respect regardless. I think besides that all you can really do is be there for her. It may take time for her to get back to being okay with everything but just make sure she knows you’ll be there whenever she needs you. Being a step mom can be really hard, it puts you in a situation where you don’t want to over step but also make sure you’re doing enough. Talk to your boyfriend, see what he would suggest would help

The kid just wants positive love, attention and to know someone gives a damn about her. It seems like she knows you care, but she’s still testing you. There’s a part of her that is wanting to be mean and hateful to you to see how you respond. Will you still love her? That’s what she wants, unconditional love. She needs tough love though too. Next she goes off on you, always be calm but be stern. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. That you love her and want nothing else but to see her happy. Give her one more chance for her to tell you if she wants you gone or not. When she says she still wants you around, tell her that’s what you want too but that you’re a human being with feelings and you can’t allow people around you to disrespect you like that. She’s still maturing and needs help sorting through all fun teenage emotions. Tell her you are always there for her and that it seems like she lets stuff build up….explain that you would rather talk about things and her feelings before it turns explosive. I think she will appreciate those boundaries and knowing that you genuinely care about her. She’s been testing you, it seems like you passed her tests. She’s gotta do her part now……just keep being patient with her! It makes sense she’s feeling this way if her dad doesn’t treat her like the kid she is and if her mom doesn’t act like she cares at all. She needs you!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my boyfriends daughter to stop being so disrespectful to me?

Honestly you need to stop trying so hard. Trying too hard does make it seem like you are trying to replace her mom. Give her some space.

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Those medications could be making her like that. My grandson was briefly on similar meds and he was a different person.

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She trusts you! She opens up to u dont judge her n just be her person to lean on stop picking on her faults im sure most of it is hormonal n normal tbh just set some boundries n tell her ud like them to be respected

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Honestly love her from a distance. She needs to come to terms with everything. I know it can be hard for you but focus on all the positives and encourage her but let her come to terms with everything on her own terms after all you don’t know what her mother has told her.

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WOW…like reading my own story honestly except I never dated my now husband just best friends in HS…got together 9 years ago and his daughter was just flat out evil to me when she found out her Dad and I were friends in HS and lost touch. I simply refused to live with her, to this day she’s welcome to visit but knows living with me is NOT an option until she can respect me. This meant my husband and I spent the first 18 months of our marriage living in 2 different houses. Too bad he didn’t want to reign her in, like her Dad isn’t reigning yours in, so he can live elsewhere until she’s grown up and out of HS. My bonus daughter suddenly came around about 6 months ago when she finally after 11 years of her mom not wanting her, she moved in with Mom and figured out that yep Mom is scum and I make her Dad happy. Stand your ground, he either discplines her and gets her help or you won’t live with her. This is your children’s childhood why are you robbing your kids of that for her?

Ask her what she wants from you and what she wants you to do. Communication is key.

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She needs to know you aint gonna dip when she a brat. I bet her mom told her that. Can you talk to dad? And just tell kaylie when sbe actin a fool, “i still love you” my daughter said that is what gets her. I use to react in anger and all. Now? Ok, scream, yell…i love you still. Then when she comes out later i pretend never happened.

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Get her into counseling ASAP . She is crying out for attention and she will greatly benefit from counseling . You and your hubby could also benefit from it , as well . It would help y’all better parent her . Don’t give up on her . She really needs you !

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I would consider therapy, maybe she feels in some ways her parents separation is her fault and she feels safe with you, so she’s dumping her problems on you? You also say that her mom is kind of doing her own thing? Does she maybe feel abandoned by her mother and she’s taking it out on you? I feel like from what you said she actually sees you as a safe and important person, I know it’s weird because she yells and stuff, but maybe she has no other way to communicate her feelings…I really suggest therapy, especially seeing as she went through a divorce and her mother has disappeared on her.

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just give her space i went through this with my own son he was in meds ,alot is the meds ,and she does talk to u, so its easier for her to blow up at u, she will get better as she gets older . but at the same time im also on the other side my step daughter acts just like this and she just turned 18 but she lives with her mother and she has brainwashed her so bad ,i just had to step back and quit trying and pray one day she comes around. she was so sweet when she was younger. I do know hormomes and meds have alot to do with it.

I would give her some space to process it all. Teens are very emotion driven people, we all should know that. It sounds like she does trust you but she doesn’t know how much. She sounds confused and honestly ADHD meds can also be effecting her as well as the stabilizers. I am not by any means saying to take her off of them, just giving some insight so you can better understand how she may be feeling. My brother was on various ones for years and he wasn’t the same at all. Everyone is different though.

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My step daughter was the same. But I knew it was displaced anger. I told her to write to her mom. It doesn’t matter if she will ever see it or it. Getting her feelings on paper would help. I suggest she write to you how she feels about the whole situation. No jokes barred. No repercussions. It needs tone discussed btw you two and dad. She is very angry. I don’t think at you but the situation. God bless.

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She needs help … tell her dad and her mom to get off their damn butt’s and step up as her parents and get her the help she needs!

Being a teen girl is hard enough. Their hormones are everywhere. She has a lot of emotions and she might not know how to communicate. You just happen to be the target for her emotions. She probably really likes you and her mom has said some awful things about you. If she is nice to you then maybe she feels she is going against her mother. ( picking sides) I would always include her in family things but I wouldn’t go out of my way for one on one things until she can respect you. Maybe I would try one more time to take her to dinner just you and her and tell her how you feel. Try to make it a positive dinner. Best of luck.

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Give her space. Give her grace. That’s a whole lot for her to process and she probably feels a little helpless to some degree. Be calm, be patient, but let her know that she’s hurting your feelings when she acts in a disrespectful manner.

She may benefit from seeing a mental health professional to help her learn coping mechanisms for her anger/frustration.

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This is actually a BF issue. Step way back so BF will step up and parent his daughter. He should not allow her to be disrespectful to you. Don’t say anything negative about his daughter to him but let him know for your own mental health he will need to take over all her parenting. This takes the target off your back. She will learn she can’t be ugly to someone and then expect them to want to help her with Everything. If DH decides to continue parenting her by giving her her way that’s His choice. Check out the Nacho Method of step parenting. Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

Awe. So sad. You won’t be able to fix it. It’s common. Just do your best to try and prepare her to be on her own soon. At 18.

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Teenage girls are a bit of a challenge. Maybe her dad should handle this. All of the kids should be treated the same.

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She is going to test you to the absolute breaking point. She needs to know you aren’t going anywhere… she probably has abandonment issues. She will take it out on you if you are the closest person to her. It will be hard… but press in and be there for her!

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Love her anyways. Show her that even though, at times, things may be difficult- show her you’re not giving up on her. My 16 year old daughter tells me she hates me and that I’m ruining her liiiiiiiiife at least 4 times a week 🤷

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Stop enabling her with money first. Dont buy her love. Read what shes been through poor kid, and shes a teenager. Of course, shes got an attitude. Her mother has probably said stories and her minds been played with. I completely understand where shes coming from.

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She will come around, hang in there.

That poor child is hurting in so many ways… and none of which is your fault either. Keep going to the appointments with her, that’s something that I wish someone had done with me and for me my whole life. I have Borderline personality disorder, and other things as well. Some of this could be just bc of all the things that have accumulated, or it could be the real beginning signs. By 17 I would say I should have been diagnosed but was not for decades after that.
I’m sorry it’s like this, I know it hurts you alot also

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Some of it might not be you, it may just be something she’s going through with friends , school, her mom, ect. Teenagers are hormonal and turn all little things into hate, I know I did towards my parents , just give her space , make the days laughable and fun. Don’t beat a dead horse because it may just make it worse, when she is ready she will come around. You are doing everything you can!!! Handling it very well.

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I was on ADHD meds from 3rd grade to sophomore year in highschool. My friends and those i actually let close to me, knew when I took my meds and when I didn’t. They said I was a zombie and distance while on the meds. I can’t say about the mood pills back then cause I wasn’t on my antidepressants until last year. But my hubby notice I changed a bit. So, yea, it might be her meds. Just let her know that you are there for her when she needs you. She had open up to you so feelings ok in talking to you, but is probably getting told things by her mom on her phone or something. And is just extremely confused. During one of her therapy sessions, try to ask about it there and maybe with her therapist help have a better understanding. Hang in there and good luck

Sounds like you’re doing a great job, hang in there and don’t take the outbursts personally. She’s protective of her Mama which is confusing for her as mom is not actually around. There’s a whole lot of feeling here and she has the ADHD making it more difficult to settle things down.
Just keep loving her and letting her know you’re there when she’s ready she’ll come round x

This is a damn mess.

Therapy, also she’s a teenager, shit like this is bound to happen. Take her out to lunch, ask her where she wants to go. During lunch, bring up that you love her, you want what’s best for her, and the issues going on. Reassure her that you and her dad are in love, and she may not understand everything going on, but you promise to treat her as your own and ask for a fresh start.

Also, don’t forget she is on amphetamines, which is speed, which makes people act crazy and on impulse and not think rationally. I don’t give a single f* what anyone says about adhd medication, that shit changes a person completely from who they really are, and on top of that, mood stabilizers? She’s not herself and she probably realizes that and can’t help it. If I were you, I would get her OFF all the medication. It sounds to me, shes a normal teenager and yall just didn’t want to deal with the hormones and outbursts and the fact that her parents split up would hurt too and cause problems. Get her off of that shit and watch her world change.

No they will not let you in room if she asks Dr to. She needs counseling for herself not with anyone else in there and eventually as a family. Adhd can cause anger issues at least for my son it does.

Your her safe place doesn’t make it easy at all but she is letting all her frustrations out on you because you do love her and do care and you make her feel safe as crazy as it sounds so some research when kids act and behave badly they are crying out for love and don’t know how to understand or express their feelings in any other way you are doing an amazing job stay strong mumma :sparkling_heart:

My money is on the fact that she is a trojan horse for her mothers resentment, I know you said she “finally came around” but I think thats unlikely, meanwhile shes 17 so only engage her positive behaviors and terminate all interactions with her negative, dont reward her “smearing” with a responce

How is her relationship with “mom”…you said mom doesn’t see her often….do you think that maybe she might be holding in resentment towards mom for that, and then projecting it onto you bcs you’re the consistent/stable “mom figure” in her life?! :woman_shrugging:t4: just a thought!

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The girl do not need meds for mood behavior why does parents put there young children on these rubbish medication do u even know the damage these meds does on the kids do u know the side Effects…
Get the girl counseling an most kids do not like when there parents separate they rebel alot

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Keep loving her, she’ll get through these rough patches with understanding. Teenage years are a confusing time.

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Wow sounds like a spin off from the last letter I saw on my news feed …I swear all these letters are narrated from Facebook …

I was that teenager with my grandma some days.
Best thing too do honestly once a month take her on date go eat, shop, get y’all’s hair done or even go see a movie maybe that will help her as well maybe she trying to tell you I need one on one

Don’t give up on her. It sounds like you are her safe place being that she opens up to you and allows you to be a part of her appointments. Also why she probably lashes out at you. I’m so sorry, I don’t have any advice, but it definitely sounds like she trusts you. As strange as it may seem.

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Id whoop her fuckin ass treating me like that.(not literally)
Take away everything. Phone. Computer. Internet. Video games. Ability to leave the house for ANYTHING excluding school and family functions. She wants her shit back? Treat me with some damn respect.

This is why people grow up into horrible people

Shes a kid. Love her through this.

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First - realize you are the adult in the relationship- she knows she can confide in - do not let her ADHD be her crutch -
Stop giving her things - all you do is reinforce her the behavior she is demonstrating (disrespect)
Make her earn things - and call her out when misbehaves .
Also you need to communicate with your boyfriend- together you need to work out a behavior plan and follow through with it.
If she is a special education , resource , or a 504 program student - seek advice from the case manager/ worker.

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Does she a therapist who is just for her? Bc it sounds like she’s got a lot of big feelings that she’s struggling with and she needs her own person with no skin in the game. It really just sounds like she’s a struggling teen that’s also neuro diverse and she’s been coddled by her parents but also knows that’s bad for her and she’s trying to find a place in the blended family.

One more year and she can get out

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Don’t give up on her

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Maybe try asking her if shes afraid to lose you ? You said she knows " you and her dad were on and off and you finally let him have her mom " … then you said " her dad and mom split " “she doesnt see her mom often” maybe because she knows all this shes afraid you guys will eventually be off again and she’ll lose you too. Some people believe if you’re mean to someone and push them away and dont let yourself become attached than it wont hurt when they leave you because you never let yourself get close to them …

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Don’t provoke anything. It sounds like it’s something she has to come around to see for herself. Don’t do any favors /buy her love just give her time

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There’s a reason they make so many movies on step parents/children :stuck_out_tongue: only thing I could say is sit down and be very direct and honest. Let her know it hurts your feelings. Talk n see it she has anything to say

Good luck, ive done everything for my step children, I never parented, no chores, simply was there for them as a best friend/ role model. Unfortunately my husband made them a promise before I came around that he would never keep any secrets from them and would tell them everything. He even told her to records us fighting. Have them the power if they ever wanted him to divorce me then he would. So of course anything that ever happened, they knew and naturally they would defend him. We both were wrong fighting in front of them I’d admit. I broke that night. He wasn’t around when they were little, he let his mom (grandmother spoiling) and ex wife raise them. So i came into the picture and to keep peace I never said anything ever. I had expectations but that was all. Again, hed tell them every detail and after they heard/seen. It’s just got worse. They are now 15 and 12. We have two of our own now and all siblings get along AMAZING and that’s because we tried really hard not to put these two before them. before I’d even go to say my kids were the demons and they were a blessing. Extra moms. The first a boy then the second a girl. Before my girl came , I made sure to take them on a “girls day” to make sure they knew they wouldn’t ever feel left out , they were my first girls. We would have deep conversations that I never told their dad unless it had something harmful such as his 12 year old was bi and I told everyone in the immediate family to respect this and not say anything disrespectful or comments or opinions so she could be free to express who she loved. After so long ( 4 years of) his ex wife bashing me , then seeing/hearing about the marriage weaknesses, the last one, after he told his 15 year old to record a fight embarrassment and rage went through me and i swatted at the phone to (wrongly) throw it. There’s now a restraining order on me. So long story short, just run. It’ll never get better. They’ll always feel entitled and nothing is ever enough until you leave. We are in the process of a divorce now, no contact with them, no longer walking on eggshells and I’ve felt more free and happier and more myself than ever. Your situation may not be as severe . Teenager years are rough and even most of the time they can’t explain why they feel and act the way they do . But sometimes to save your sanity, enough is enough and you need to think of you and your kids. Best of luck :yellow_heart:

This kid needs therapy she’s absolutely confused and conflicted with adult behaviours.
You said she let you in on her drs appointments ect and told you exactly how she feels and let’s you discuss how her behaviours are at home.
I think she respects you enough but she is confused asf and just needs you ALL to be there for her. Hormones are a bitch at the best of times add in All this family drama and Boom explosive teen.
Get her some therapy and or counciling. Let her know constantly that she is loved and needed. Let her know she can still be a kid without the adult drama she doesn’t need to carry that or the responsibility for that.

She’s a kid. Look at it from her point of view. I’d be pissed af if I were in her position as well :woman_shrugging:

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Hi, Im just here to say you’re doing an amazing job and as a girl who was diagnosed adhd and took meds as a teenager, only to find out as an adult that I am actually autistic. But that is exactly how I acted at that age. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do!

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Tell her you truly love her but if she decides, she can go to her mom and that you & her dad will continue on

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Stand your ground… The fact remains she is still a child and needs to respect her elders or move back with her mother… It couldn’t be me …

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my boyfriends daughter to stop being so disrespectful to me?

She needs alone time with her dad.

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See a psychiatrist… together you can stop giving into her outbursts and rewarding them… thats probably why she continues to act out. But a therapist and psychiatrist can better help pin point a better way to work through these things.

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Stop trying to be her friend & be a step-parent. That’s is what you are. He needs to step up & be a better dad & stop the disrespect when it happens.

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Seems to me that the people that are suppose to care about her the most have come up short. If her mom is resentful of you and the past then that’s a problem as well… you and her dad need to sit down and talk it all out…about how much you cared for each other years ago but you went your separate ways. Unfortunately it may feel to her like her mom stole her dad from you but here you are now and she feels the riff it’s caused since her mom is not happy after all these years he’s back with you! Her dad needs to be a real man and discuss these and other life issues past, present and future with her.
She may have other issues but to me even though she’s a young age she feels disrespected. That’s probably not all… she has her own issues…but you’ve gotta start somewhere.

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Does she have bpd? It kinda sounds like she does and if so it is sooo hard to get through to us because of what are brains have told us for so long. Don’t give up

I’m curious as to what what boyfriend does or says during these exchanges.

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HE needs to be the one to put a stop to this. If he allowing it to happen, he is enabling it and its going to put a wedge between you and him, I promise.

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If only all of you could have like dinner or smtn cause maybe if she’s seeing you and mum get along well she wouldn’t be so bitter about it and start to understand that’s that’s life.

Coming from a step child, sometimes the bio mother or father can create that type of hate and not realize it. Or he/she does it on purpose.

As I’m guilty of this and understand from past experiences (not saying this is the problem, but an idea).
My parents would ALWAYS compete with each other in my younger years. Who has the better spouse, who does more who does this, he’s not your dad you don’t have to listen to him etc.
My mom would always be on my as* about being disrespectful to my step father. Even though he did everything for me, (more than my biological father would as that).
I eventually grew out of it and accepted the fact that he’s my step father and being a hormonal girl wasn’t changing anything but bringing more misery.
As her dad he should 100% be responsible for how “Kaylee” treats you and needs to have a sit down convo with her.
her bio mother needs to be involved as well. As a parent unfortunately being civil with your step-kids parent is a priority and CAN be a reason she’s acting out. If you guys can’t get along, why does she need to? Kids reflect their peers.
I was let in on grown up info at a young age that changed my view of everything. Parents splitting is hard on a kid. Talk to your boyfriend about it and if he’s grown enough he should see that it is not right and needs to talk it out with her about what she needs what needs to change etc.
It doesn’t happen in a day, it took me 6 years to start opening up to my parents and this situation reminds me a lot of what I was going through.
Keep your head up, being a step parent or kid is not easy!

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Maybe she is afraid if she relies on you or gets to close you will just leave her too. We t sounds like that has happened with her parents. When she is mad and being disrespectful just ask her what’s up and let her know you will be waiting for her and then give her some space. Being a parent of a teenager is hard but being a teen without reliable parents is the hardest.

He just need to beat her ass.

Stop making excuses for her behavior and start enforcing consequences. She knows she can get away with it.

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Starts with HIM. He needs to deal with it and you enforce it.

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I think him and his daughter need therapy then they can add u in.

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Mama was bitter and sounds like kid blames you for her parents not making it. Like maybe she figures dad never loved mom bc of you. Kids minds can be funny like that. Or maybe it’s even true. Who knows.
She doesn’t have to like you. But she should respect you or face consequences. But you can’t blame her little heart for hurting and shouldn’t force a relationship. Just expect respect.

I wonder if she’s scared to lose you since you’re more of a mom to her.

It sounds like it’s common for the adults in her life to buy her love. This is only going to make things worse, so stop.

Actually spend quality time. It would help if her parents do, too.

It sounds like she does care about you since she’s opened up to you. I don’t think her problem is with you, but the choices her dad made. That may be something to talk to her about and it’s definitely up to him to enforce the standards of her behavior. If he doesn’t have your back, it’s just going to continue.

Therapy, individual and together.

Get rid of the boyfriend