How can I get my daughter to understand the dangers of sleepovers?

My daughter doesnt understand why i do not want her having sleepovers at her friends house…it scares me not knowing these people well and not knowing peoples motives but i dont want to scare her…how can I make her understand that she cannot stay at anyones house withou scaring her?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/how-can-i-get-my-daughter-to-understand-the-dangers-of-sleepovers/21308

How old is she and do you trust she will call if something isn’t right?

She really wont understand until she becomes a mother. A healthy fear is not bad.

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How old is she ? And I would approach it no matter what ur fears . My daughter is 5 in kindergarten now and I have told her about her body parts , no one sees or touches them but her etc . We have to do it young now . It sucks . But it’s the world we live in now

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My daughter will be 14 in October and she doesnt go to sleepovers either so we always have a house full of her friends and cousins

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I had 7 children and had this problem SOOOOO I had the sleepovers at my house ALWAYS!!

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You could try meeting the parents and stuff first maybe have dinner with them or something so you know what kind of environment she would be in.

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Honestly there really isn’t a way. If you continue to lock her away she’ll just rebel. There needs to be mutual trust and communication.

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How old is she? Get to know her friends and their parents.

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You could always get to know her friends family :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Very good question I have a 6 year old daughter and just this thought freaks me a out quite a bit!?!

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How old is she? That will play a hige part of how ya talk to her.

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Meet the parents hosting the sleep over!

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Tell her that you don’t feel comfortable bc you don’t know her family very well yet - and then make an effort to get to know them. Maybe invite the family over for a cookout - the kids can play, and you can get to know the parents better. See where things go from there.

Also, let her know that her friends are always welcome to spend the night at your house.

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My daughter is almost 13 and she has only had two sleepovers and we are friends with their parents. One of her friends stays with us most of the time. It’s very scary these days.

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My children range from 2 up to 16… never once have they been allowed to sleep at someone else’s house. I am a very open parent when it comes to teaching about dangers of the world, my kids get it, but I’ve always been very accommodating so they don’t “miss out”. I let friends stay over pretty much anytime they ask. When there’s birthday slumber parties, I let them stay late and I just text and check in often, then pick kiddos up when it’s bed time at the sleep over. Even if it means my house is usually the landing pad for multiple kids and trashed pretty often, and I spend nights staying up extra late so they can partake in the whole party. When it comes time to go to bed, it’s at home, always. Of yours are too young to understand yet, it’s ok, just be consistent and one day they’ll get it.

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Just be the house that has the sleepovers. She will understand when she’s older. Can’t trust anybody these days and once something like that happens it can never be taken back. You are doing the right thing.

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How old is your daughter???

If you’re talking about like a 14 year old girl, I think you’re overacting.

If she’s like 7, I can understand you being nervous.

But what’s sad is she’ll never get to have sleepovers then, because what if all parents are like you? And what if her friends’ parents also don’t want their kids sleeping over at anyone’s house except their own?

I feel like there has to be a happy medium somewhere, like if she’s a younger age, you only let her go to sleepovers with friends of people who you’re friends with the parents.

If she’s like 14, you just gotta let her go.

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My mom didn’t let me go to my 1st sleep over until I was in 3rd grade and I think that’s about the age that I’ll let my kids although my oldest is special needs and my 1st grader doesn’t really have any friends yet. I’m currently working on getting my 4 year old into preschool & my 4 month old he has a long way to go

I always tell my son “as your mother, I know more about this world than you and it’s my job to protect you from certain things. As you get older you will understand”. Sure he gets upset initially but he gets over it pretty quick.

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How old is your daughter? Sleepovers are a sort of rite of passage; can you make plans beforehand to meet the family hosting them? Maybe invite them over/out for dinner or something. It’s always a good idea to know who your child is spending time with anyway, and it would probably help with your anxiety over it.
If you’re dead set on not allowing it at all…she’s not going to understand. She’ll probably get that you’re trying to protect her, but she won’t understand the danger unless you use scare tactics, which could be a little traumatic. Healthy awareness is a good thing, but you don’t want your kid scared to engage with the world.

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Can you maybe try to meet her friends parents? Maybe they feel same way. Or can you suggest the child stay the night at your home?

I find it funny how many parents won’t let there kids go to sleepovers, but allow there friends to stay over . What makes you so much better than other parents

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My oldest daughter is 12 and she’s never slept anywhere else but my sisters and her dads. My 7 yr old has never had a sleep over anywhere. You can’t trust people these days even if you think you know them. If she’s old enough to understand I would be honest.

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Have sleepovers at home. Or just stick to no sleepovers. People are dangerous and can’t trust anyone.

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Do you all seriously think that “meeting the parents” will stop anything bad happening to her daughter? Just because you meet someone does not mean you know them. You could know someone for years and never truly know them.

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Have her friends stay at yours. That’s what I do

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How old is your daughter?
Why do you question people’s “motives” that you don’t know?
Have you tried having a play date with the parents of the other children involved and present so you can get to know them?
Sounds like you’re sheltering your child due to your past experiences. Which I completely understand. But maybe make yourself uncomfortable for a bit so your child doesn’t grow up with the same fears.

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Perhaps you could meet the parents of the friend or that friend could stay over at your home.

Dont sugar coat it, the world is a scary place and they need to know this. Its our duty as parents to educate them

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Communicate clearly with your child that not all adults are safe and not all houses are safe houses for kids.

It will help her understand that your not just saying ‘no’ to be mean and also a way to bring up a conversation about being safe around adults.

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Can her friends stay at your house for sleepovers ? So she doesn’t feel completely left out?

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I think children should be taught exactly why they need to protect themselves, they need to know anyone touching them wrongly is wrong.

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Get involved with the parents and everyone else that’s inside the home and make sure to get Involved with every single other parents that will drop their teens off

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Try not to be to over protective or she will just rebel and sneak out and do it anyway

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So why don’t you take the time to get to know the parents and see the house and environment, instead of just saying no. The more you restrict them the more they will just rebel and sneak around behind your back

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I have 6 kids (8 kids under 8 yrs). Oldest is 15. I never let him or any of my other kids stay anywhere so I just had the sleepovers…

Have you tried getting to know the parents? I know pretty much all of my daughter’s friends parents so I have zero issues with her sleeping over at friends houses.

Have their friends stay at your house instead

Daytime is for hanging out
Night time is for sleeping.
You aren’t getting time with your friends when you are sleeping anyway.

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I let my 9 yr old do sleepovers but they know to txt me an emoji of her phone she can only message me or other family on with to tell me shes not comfortable being there and ill go get her.

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If telling her the truth scares her then Scare her! Make her aware.

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I was like that with my 3 younger girls and I realize you can’t always protect them
I would meet the parents and if it was fishy it was a no go
My girls knew the rules and they understood all of it before it was allowed
If they’re children followed our rules just like if they was our kids
You know what every day we had kids in the yard and hanging out
Cause we had parent would be outside right along with them playing

I get why people say meet the parents. But people hide a lot and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.
Sit her down and explain to her exactly why she can’t. Idk her age but make it age appropriate. At some point she needs to learn that their are monsters in this world and it’s better to come as a warning from you then a reality from a friends family.

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My parents had the talk with me when I was like 6. Have the talks.

Right now tonight my daughter is spending the night for the first time at her great aunt and Uncles house with her cousins.shes 16. Several weeks ago, she spent the week at my brother and SILs. She’s gone to Bible camp for a week when she was younger, spends nights with her cousins. She loves getting to do this stuff. I miss her but she needs the interaction.Cant keep your child in a bubble forever. I was abused as a child, but I refuse to allow my crap to transfer to them when it comes to relationships with friends and family I know I can trust.

We do not allow sleep overs. I work at a psychiatric hospital for ages 5 to adult. And u would be surprised at the things that happen at sleep overs. Nope no way in hell

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Sooooo throw the sleep overs at your house like ny mom did. Duhhh

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I had this exact conversation with my 6 year old not to long ago, I didn’t sugar coat anything but at the same time spoke in away he would understand that the real monsters are humans. He understands now that there is no staying at anyones house as he has his own home as well as there will be no sleep overs at our house as well.

Be the house that hosts the sleepover parties keep the kids young and innocent as possible yet aware of everything.
The world is crazy but don’t hide her from it. Keep in contact be open build a solid format for communication cuz bad things can happen anywhere at anytime. Good things happen too and we cannot forget that

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I dont care if my kids understand or not. My jobs to protect them and I’m very untrusting these days

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If you don’t tell your daughter what to be afraid of she’ll never know. you need to give her the heads up on older boys or grown men that’s your biggest fear , also drugs and alcohol. If she’s old enough to have a cell phone make sure she has one with her and tell her to call you if she needs you. Never stated how old your daughter is , but we all know you can’t Harbor her the rest of her life she has to live and learn.

Just have it as a house rule that your child will sleep in their own bed at night

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Are you prepared to spend months to get to know momma, dad, momma’s boyfriend, any siblings, neighbors, uncles or their local pastor/priest? If you can invest all that time – then that is great but most cannot.
We don’t do sleepovers, nor do we host them. Same with camps, lock-ins, etc. Too many people with too many touchy hands and always the “pillar of the community that no one would suspect.”

We tried stranger danger talks with my daughter. No luck.
We thought we had it made when we told her to stop talking to every stranger on the street until she began talking to the guy at a local convenient store and saying, “we now know each other’s names…so that means we are not strangers anymore.” Nope, nope and nope.

So when she was 6, I did the thing that broke my heart but had to be done. She walked into the family room and the tv was on. Nancy Grace had the photo on air of a little girl who was missing. My daughter looks at the tv and said, “what happened?”

I told her that the little girl was her age. She didn’t listen to her mommy and that she fought with her brother and sister and ran ahead after school. It was then a very bad man found her and that they were looking for her body in a place called the dump.

It was like a light switch went off. Sadly, it took seeing that something bad happened to another little girl her age was real. Very real. After that, she changed. It still took a little guiding here and there but it hit home. And sadly, what happened to that little girl may have helped save my own daughter’s life because I honestly could not turn my back without her going up to some stranger and begin talking.
And I had to be extra careful because a mile from us, a child had been kidnapped by a pedophile and killed.

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Scare her. I am a moderator for over 30 Predator Catcher groups. Scare her. It’s everywhere around us and in every profession. You are right in not letting her go.

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That’s the very reason I host the sleepovers lol…that way she still gets the experience and I can watch over. Plus she feels special she gets to plan the snacks and things they do.

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To the parents who say have them stay at your house- do the other parents know why this arrangement happens? Not sure what I’d think if another parent didn’t trust me with their kids but expected me to be fine with it being the other way around.

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Sometimes u don’t wanna scare your kids but being blunt and honest with them is important.

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We do not allow sleepovers either. You never know what someone ks capable of doing to a child. I just tell my daughter the truth.

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Let go of her let her have fun

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Talk to her like a friend

I have the same fear - I need to meet the parents and all

Just tell her not every house has the same rules and personalities and you aren’t comfortable with her staying overnight elsewhere and suggest she have her own sleepover at your house.

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I understand exactly where you’re coming from… younever know whats behind closed doors on other people’s lives… my youngest daughters ex besties stepdad tried grooming her… im just glad my daughter caught…

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Be honest! That has helped me so much! And I disagree with the ones saying get to know the parents.
For starters, family can be abusive and have pedophiles. Some know some don’t. You can’t trust anybody! My mom knew a man and his wife for years and I was best friends with the daughter…first time I went to stay the night he made a move on me. I had to call another friend to get me to take me home. My mom had went out and couldn’t drive.
I truly believe the more open and honest you are with your kids the less likely they rebel.
I watched enough SVU and the movie taken so I understood and as an adult I always pay attention to my surroundings. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Prayers for you mama!:heart:

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JUST dont allow in NO LONG explaination.

I’m glad you were not my mother!

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If she’s young under 10 Don’t scare her just say it’s somthing we look forward to when we are older over 11 I’d say she is going to know how to guide herself in an unknown situation… and she will know how to contact you if she’s uncomfortable because you would have had a talk and she would have definitely had learned about dangers and feelings and how to react in those circumstances at school. I’d also get the parents name number before hand maybe do a wee Facebook search for peace of mind and then ya need to let go… then watch her come home with the biggest grin in the world coz friend sleepovers in the pre teen years were the freaking best!!

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I don’t let my daughter either but they don’t seem or don’t want to understand

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Keep it real tell her the truth. No sugar coating… I would say have sleepover at your house but that might cause issues and you don’t want the lil ones to become enemies …
Just tell her why. We weren’t allowed to stay over any ones house either

I am a firm believer in being honest with children and explaining the dangers in life, on their level of course.

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Get to know the friends parents better, and build that trust. Park play dates, etc.

Work on your own insecurities, fears and traumas.

You will never be able to get a child to understand the bad in the world, unless they’re exposed to it, or worry is implemented into them.
Which should never happen.

Friendships and sleepovers are important to children, they’re included, accepted and feel connected. . Work towards that goal, instead of shutting it down entirely.

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Its difficult I’m sure. People tend to not believe things will happen to them. Growing up my mother told us bout her friend who was murdered n thats why we shouldnt be runnin the streets. My sis would tell her she was crazy n it wouldnt happen to her. Then it did. Now i gotta tell my kid bout it when he gets old enough to understand. Its an ugly world yo.

I was molested by a friend’s older brother at a sleepover. I rarely let my kids have sleepovers except at my house. And never with my daughter if her friend had brothers.

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It is very scary to let a young teen go to someones house for a sleepover when you don’t know the parents very well. I would maybe have one at your house to see what goes on or call and talk to the parents about your concerns without being accusing. Just. hey this is who I am and I am a little nervous because I don’t know you so would you mind telling me what the rules are for the girls. You have to kind of tip toe around it but depending on the age of the girls that should do it. Honestly if it were me, if I didn;t know the parents I probably would not allow my daughter to go.

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I wish i had had this rule. One of my kids has a friend whos dad was drugging and assulting her friends. Including his own daughter. My kiddo doesnt know if anything happened to her and its caused alot of issues.

With that said my other kiddo has had amazing friends and their parents but with our son i wont be allowing sleepovers when hes older. Hes only 4. His sisters are much older

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Meet the adults that will be there. My kids know I have to know the parents or they don’t go. Any of their friends are welcome at our house.

Not matter what you tell her she will not understand your reasons.
Maybe you can host one at your house instead.

 My mom never allow it neither, I’m a mom now and I’m the same way
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I would tell her. I always try to get out of these talks too with my now 13 year old. But I have to remind myself I need to be honest, and I can’t avoid it. I just warn her first that what we are about to talk about is scary and real. It gets easier to talk about it though. we talk about things like this more than once. I want to keep these things fresh in her head. You never know when your child will need to use this information and skills.

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Understandable. Get to know the parents though. There R good people still in this world. Sleep overs R a right of passage fort us girls.

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If they are 12+, I would think you would have had that conversation with them as well as frequent reminders of what could happen in almost any place without their parents’ supervision, even in the home of a friend. Have an open, honest conversation with your child and come up with a safe plan so that they can call or text you and know that you would come to them or pick them up immediately if anything happens or in any situation/setting where they don’t feel safe or comfortable. And make that excuse something that makes you look like the bad guy or even the over-bearing, over-protective parent if need be so your kid is comfortable deploying the plan and so that their friend or even the other kid’s parents don’t get offended (if it’s just something like your kid being homesick, lonely, or anxious after they do get there). If it’s a big issue that comes up with something that is totally not okay or even dangerous, tell them it is okay to make a scene to get out of the situation immediately or even to call 911 if necessary. Let them know that it’s always okay for them to use the agreed on plan too, no punishment, no chastising, no strings attached. Emphasize and reiterate the plan with them before any sleepover, party, playdate, etc, so they know that you have their back and if they call you for any reason, now or even when they are older, that you’d show up for them, be on their side, and would be there if needed to protect them and help get them out of any bad, dangerous, or uncomfortable situation.

Sleepovers are horrible, who in their good minds thinks oh let’s have 5 girls or boys at home that are not going to sleep play all night and make breakfast for them the next morning as a good idea!!! I enjoyed them as a kid but hate them as an adult, I hope me kid doesn’t give me a hard time with this

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My mother simply said No, I don’t know them. I would be upset momentarily but got over it. She’ll get over it, No is a complete sentence. You’re in charge.

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I would tell her not this time and get to know those people.

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Have you had anything bad happen to you at a sleepover, or know someone who has? I had friend with an overprotective mother, who’s father had died by suicide, and her mother felt she had to be in control of her children so that nothing else could happen to them, and she couldnt lose them. But her children hated it because nothing happened to their friends and her fears werent in line with the risk. It’s not like parents who are responsible are sending their kids over without them talking to their parents and getting to know them from their kids doing other activities together first during the day. Then they can have sleepovers once they know them. And they don’t let them go without talking to them about it not being okay for anyone to touch them etc. And if at any time they want you to pick them up, even if they just feel homesick, miss you, or they want to sleep in their own bed, to call you. That’s what my mother told me, and I was fine knowing if I wasn’t comfortable I could leave.

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Have the sleepovers at your house instead or with your friends kids that way you already know the parents, get to know your daughters friends parents better by having them over for dinner? But most importantly be honest with her.

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Im just going throw out that i worked at a residential treatment center for JUVENILE sex offenders…its not always the adults people need to worry about. Get to know older siblings (of both sexes) as well.

I am honest with my daughter. Not worth the risk

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Just scare her. World is a shitty place

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I get it in one way but I don’t think I’ll be the mom who tells my kids they can’t attend a sleep over or that I won’t host one. Maybe you could initiate a meet and greet for your child’s friends’ parents? Have a block party if you’re in a neighborhood setting so everyone can get to know each other. Then when your child goes to a sleep over, equip them with a cell phone and don’t make plans to go anywhere yourself except for a little rest and relaxation at your house so you’re on call. We are raising a generation of children who are going to be scared of everything and everyone and it’s a shame. There’s a difference between being aware and just being plain scared.

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Your the mother, she’s the daughter. Put your foot down and just say no. When my girls were young, I simply told them absolutely not! I explained that they wouldn’t understand it now, but would later and would appreciate it! I had to know parents and siblings. Don’t trust no one.

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Oh, also this is the reason my children’s had cell phones at a young age, so they could get a hold of me any time. They had to be in touch with me at all times!

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It doesn’t matter if you know the friends parents. A friends father isn’t going to come out and tell you he’s a pedophile. They hide it well and you can’t tell by looking at them.
I wouldn’t allow my kids to go to sleep overs. I held them at my house. I explained to my kids why. I unfortunately had pedophiles in my own family. I used them as examples to explain to my kids how easy it is for a pedophile to get close to kids.
You’re doing the right thing, protecting your children.

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My parents never allowed sleepovers and I wasn’t happy with them, they tried to explain me the negatives but my younger self was stupid. So your daughter may not understand this but it’s best for her.

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No matter what, you have to tell children the truth, because more often than not to shield them from fear is to shield them from the truth.

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I saw something today that said even if SA talks are uncomfortable, pretending bad things and bad people don’t exist doesn’t protect you from those bad people doing bad things to you and that kids need to be informed and this is a necessary discussion. Not everyone will agree but I do and I would and have explained this to my kids behind my no sleepover rule unless they come here.

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I watched a lot of movies with my daughter, about things that can happen to children,young girls getting raped,bullied,even murdered.I never allowed her to spend the night except with family,and that wasn’t often.Nine out of ten when something bad happens to someone it’s not a stranger,and sometimes it’s family.

I tell my kid the truth and teach her to be aware of her surroundings and how to spot and remove herself from potential danger :100:
I allow sleep overs but am very strict and in constant communication with my daughter
She’ll be 15 in January

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Have the child bring the friend to your house instead that way no one is upset and you can watch both of them and not have to worry so much

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