In June my daughter will be 22, my ex husband (her dad) has brain washed both my kids, my son is 25, anyway I’m not doing good health wise and I tried contacting my daughter and she called me a dumb b**** and a POS. What are some options I can do to get both kids to talk to me?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my grown kids to talk to me?
We need a little more detail? Why are they not talking to you? What has he brainwashed them about? How long has this been going on?
Maybe writing a letter to start with… be very specific and detailed. And leave your contact info
Tell them they were adopted
Are you those things though?
I’d leave them alone.You can’t make someone talk to you….
My adult daughter talks to me like that so when she doesn’t talk to me I’m happier.
We need more details on why they wont talk to you?
You can’t force people to talk to you unfortunately, and if they chose not to talk to you, then it might need to be something you need to move on with
Sadly I believe you’ll have to wait till the ready and they come to you, they’ll see through his lies eventually
Tell them they are not getting any money when you die. And live your life without them
Cant make them talk to you. I wont talk to people i have no desire and making me talk to people makes me not want to more
I have 3 older kids 15-20 they don’t talk to me anymore either only when they want something that they think I can buy them they all moved out in 2019
If your kids are not talking to you I highly doubt that it’s because if something their dad said. My dad used to pull the same shit saying my mom would try to brain wash me but I’m reality he just treated me and my brother like trash. So I’m assuming it’s something you have done. You need to step back and reflect on how you’ve TRULY treated your kids and not how you think you treated them
There is more history than your telling.
my oldest is 23 & my nightmare anymore… shes a total c.u.n.t. & treats everyone like sh!t… I haven’t talked to her in 5 mths & my household is at peace… im done with her turbulent behavior…
Apologise for whatever you have done to them and accept what you have done.
You can’t make them talk to you
Tbh I can’t say anything about this post. My birth mother was, probably still is a toxic mess. My dad tried to warn me in my later teen yes but I didn’t see it til she turned on me. Sooooo what did you do? I’m not saying 100% you could have something to do with it but your not saying everything
Yeah… That’s half the story for sure…
There is more to this story… Hmm
Write them a letter and tell them in detail how much you love them. Apologize deeply and admit where you were wrong. Do NOT mention your health, only how you want a better future with them included. That’s honestly the only thing you can do at this point
Children that age are smart enough to know who is who and doing what
What did u do to them, kids don’t just hate their mom fpr no reason
Leave them nothing in your will, cut your losses and move on
I, will be honest. I use to be a bitch to my mom, and im now 25. Not talk to her. Let my friends talk for me. But then I realized what I was doing. I contacted her myself. I wanted my relationship to be better. And to be able to see my 5 yr old son. Now our relationship has been like flowers and rainbows these past few years.
They will learn.
There is way more than you’re telling…… but being the older kid who refuses to talk to her toxic mother, even when she tries to use her health as a guilt trip in making me, leave them alone. If they want to contact you, they will. Pushing it only pushes farther away.
We don’t know the full story so no comment.
Pray ! God can make it happen!
I’m in the same position. My sons are 25 and 23. Their dad did the exact same thing. I haven’t been able to speak to them since 2014. Only way I have to contact them is through Facebook , which their dad recently got onto their account and blocked me. It sucks. I wish you the best and hope you have better luck then I did
Children don’t cut contact with a parent for no reason. They will always be curious no matter what the other parent has said to ‘brainwash’ them. My advice is to look within yourselves and be honest with yourself… chances are your children have good reasons and you need to respect their choices. I have no contact with 1 of my parents and the best I can say about them is they respect my choice and don’t intrude into my life. It actually makes me happy knowing they’re happy to leave me alone and not push themselves
If you have court records and proof of how their dad was/is…… show them. They are now adults.
They’re old enough to make their own choice and you can’t force them unfortunately
keep living your life if it’s meant to be they’ll come around
Send a letter explaining what’s going on with you and ask what you can do to repair your relationship, there’s things we don’t know but you and your children try to open up a little about your past/history as a family with them. You can’t make someone talk to but you sure can try and you can tell your side of the story
Sounds like they are talking to you. What’s with the husband d? He would stay an ex if you ask me. Something g is going to happen and they will see the light you know karma is a very real thing. He still has to learn about
Your kids are adults themselves. Unless this has been going on for years, then they must have their own reasons for not wanting to talk to you… to me it seems like now that you’re not doing so great, you want support but you’ve already burned your bridges…
My ex SIL went through this. Honestly there’s nothing you can do but keep trying. You can’t force them to talk to you.
Pray…and pray some more. My mom spent 16yrs trying to break the bond between me and my daughter. I put our relationship in Gods hands when she was young…it took life happening and her realizing the lies but it will happen. Keep reaching out in small ways…a card in the mail just because, a pic of u 2 when she was little, ect. It may never repair to the extent u want and Im so sorry about that. Sending hugs
Just keep trying but at those ages they are old enough to know what is what. Don’t bug a boo them but at least make attempts with apology letters twice a year or something.
Don’t…they are old enough to know better. Save yourself heart acke and put your energy into getting better
Invite em both to dinner make it seem like it’s just em. And boom show up once they food arrives ctfu
Sounds like parental alienation? Therapy might be needed.
At that age, you cant really blame brainwashing. As kids yes, but as adults they have their own opinions and they are able to look at the facts. Why are they so angry? What happened? Were you never in their lives? Jusy text them that youd like them in your life and what you can do to try ans make amends ans start over
You don’t make them talk to you. Get that idea out of your head right now. Also stop playing the blame game it only makes it worse.
I’m an adult child that has rightfully cut my dad off. If he were sick I’d accept a letter notifying me of his health condition, and an open invitation to communicate when I am ready and not a second less. Any pushing whatsoever would push me further away, make me angrier, and make me think he’s using his health to manipulate me into talking to him.
Notify, open invitation with no expiration date, patiently and SILENTLY wait. That’s your mission if you so choose to take it.
With very little details i could only suggest to write a letter to them explaining your side of the situation . If you caused them any pain and suffering, abuse of any kind i dont think you’ll get any kind of loving relationship out of it . Also, are you just reaching out now that you’re sick or have you been trying all along ? That’s a different story .
Write them both letters. Give it to them now or wait until (God forbid) you pass away. At this point they are adults and one day they will regret not having a conversation with their mom.
Tell your ex in front of them he caused it by his lies
Go about your business. Don’t force them to have contact with you.
It’s sad and I’m sure there is a lot more to the story but your kids are grown and old enough to decipher who is lying and who is not. There is a reason they are believing their father and not talking to you. If he is lying it will come to light soon enough. Right now unfortunately, all you can do is focus on your health and do what’s best for you, they will come around hopefully, if not, and they find out it was a lie from their father all along, they will have to face you
Just write them a letter tell your side and let them know what’s going on health wise and leave it at that. Let them come to u.
Don’t give up, keep trying, write letters to them, don’t say anything negative about their dad just try to explain yourself and just keep telling them you love them!
I feel like we need more information as to what he said and why. You’re definitely leaving things out. Why did he have custody in the first place and have the way of “brainwashing them”, what was your relationship with the kids like before…? There’s just too much unknown to give real advise.
You send a message telling them both what’s going on and that you would love to see them and talk to them and that’s only message you send to them and after that message it’s up to them rather or not they want to talk to you or see you. You cannot force them to be involved in your life as hard as it is.
I think there’s more to this story that you’re saying and it’s hard to give the right advice to you about it. We all make mistakes and no one is a perfect parent. Owning up to your actions might help the situation. Waiting until your health got bad to reach out isn’t a good look, but it’s better than not reaching out at all.
I’d probably start off by explaining whatever behavior you did that caused your daughter to not want to talk to you and do some apologizing. It can’t take back the past, but some type of closure/apology might help her.
She’s old enough to understand who was toxic and to stay away from them. At the end of the day, you can’t make her be in your life. You can only try. Good luck trying to make emends and I hope your health gets better.
Admit to any wrong doings … say your sorry for anything that might be hurting them … say u want to be in their life’s and u hope they can forgive u … I brought my kids up and I know I have made some mistakes so just being honest and saying sorry helps … no one is perfect … just don’t say sorry but he did or she did this and that … own your truth xx
My kids are grown they don’t talk to me 37 34 30 I’ve tried writing letters etc didn’t work for me I found if u push they back off you just need to be patience unfortunately kids are strange ppl I’ve got few medical issues but that’s all u can do
Need more back story
Pray the Lord will show them the way!
If you are concerned you may not see them or that they won’t listen before you pass then write each of them a letter from you to them. Do not rubbish their father or anyone else. Just put in your love for them, your wishes, any information that you may think be helpful or of interest from your side of the family. Let that letter show the best of you and your love for them.
Need more info like who had custody of them how much time did you spend with them what kinds of things has your ex said to them about you they are adults and should be able to know what’s facts from fiction
If it was that easy, my adult kids would be in my life. My narcissistic mother told them a bunch of BS and nobody even asked my side so really, my only choice is to continue to live my life. It hurts on holidays and my birthday but I fill my days doing the things I love and working a lot. I have a 12 yr old and I don’t know where I would be without her. You really don’t have any choice but continue on living your life, don’t chase them and one day they will realize the lies that brought you to this point. I wish you the best and you can message me if you need a friend who understands your situation.
I stopped talking to my mom and whole family because of my mom 8 years ago I don’t trust my mom for many reasons she has tried many times to talk to me which I tried to talk to her but didn’t work out . . . For with me personally she expects us to be best friends . . . So what did you and my grandkids have for dinner what did you guys do today when I’m trying to get back to talk to her . . . I have a brother who is yes is over 18 but mentally is younger and living with her she won’t answer me about him or let me see him unless I have a huge scatter conversation and through him in it
Leave them alone. They are grown and not showing interest in talking to you. The damage is already done. They’ll come around in their own time… Or maybe not but just go about living your life
Write letters to them, apologize for your actions that caused them pain. Have a friend or therapist read them before you send them. Don’t blame them if the dad, that’s just deflecting responsibility. Own your actions and be honest with yourself as well. You need to heal and admit your own issues
Just leave her alone. Can ask if she needs help of any kind,but dont push anything. I didnt talk to my mom for years…still wouldn’t if family hadnt guilt tripped me. She was abusive and hateful for years.
I have the same situation
No one could be brain washed that much, you did something.
You cannot force relationships. This should be a time for reflection for you. I don’t know the back story here but I truly suggest working on yourself. Many times it’s hard to see our own faults. Ask yourself is there something you could have said or done differently? Sometimes growth is very painful and as hard as it may be to let your children go, you have no choice but to respect their wishes. Make sure you tell them that you will respect their wishes, express your love, grit your teeth and wait for them. Children always come back to loving moms. They come back to moms who made most of their life good, despite mistakes.
Have you done anything to make them feel that way? My mom says the same thing about our dad (we’re 23 and 22) but we learned the truth after moving in with him and multiple people to back it up.
Something you are leaving out. Those kids are grown and can see whats going on and make their own choices. Im sorry but need more info. Maybe yall can start with therapy if they agree to help the issue.
Unfortunately there’s nothing it has to be when they are ready ,just let them know no matter what U love them and are always there for them . That’s all U can do
I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone that called me those names, my child or not. You can love people from a distance.That’s a very disrespectful type of person. You’re best leaving them be. Live your final years the best you can.
Why did they stop talking to you
Leave them alone. They don’t want to talk to you, and forcing them will only make it worse. They don’t have to speak to you if they don’t want to.
This comes off as very narcissistic . I cannot believe for one second that there is NO reason at all for your grown adult children to decide that not speaking to you is best for them… also, attempting to emotionally blackmail them by using your health is not at all how to handle this. Start by reflecting and coming to terms with your mistakes, learn from them, then attempt to contact your children… if they still don’t accept you and your apology, that is their choice as adults to make.
Have you actually done something that you aren’t ready to take responsibility for? I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, we are all humans and make mistakes but I believe whatever the underlying issue is needs to be addressed and handled and then maybe your children will come around. My parents have not been perfect but we all talk and we have had hard talks but the air has always been cleared and that is why I maintain a good, loving relationship with them.
Sit down and think if their father has manipulated your grown children or if maybe you do hold some blame.
If you realize you hold some blame than own it.
If your adult children choose to not have contact with you, you have to respect their boundaries and let them come to you when they are ready…if they ever are.
I speak as an adult child that cut my mother off.
Takes two to tango, what’d you do in the situation to make him manipulate them in the first place
Chances are you have something to atone for. Kids don’t stop talking to their parents on a whim.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Learn why they have hostility… realize that is their truth and don’t think while they are talking to you. Listen and accept how they feel and don’t try and tell them how it is someone else’s fault:
Need more story , I personally don’t talk to my mom and idgaf if she has health issues . You make think they are brain washed but your actions always say the truth .
You can’t make grown kids talk to you. It sucks. But it’s the truth.
“Kill them with kindness”, but don’t overkill; it will undo your intentions. Take slowly, while proven your “unconditional” love, as their mom; despite what they have been conditioned to believe. Good Luck!!
From experience, usually if your kid doesn’t want to talk or have a relationship with you when they’re an adult there’s a good reason why.
Look inward and see what she sees in you. If you can’t, well I hope you like being alone.
I have a mother just like you and to this day, she can’t see why I have zero love or respect for her. She magically forgets all the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse she put me thru and continues to put me thru. She’s dying too and let me tell you, I couldn’t care less.
I was reading this and when I got to “my ex husband (her dad) has brain washed both”
I had to scroll down, but can’t mine back to say,
NO PARENT (a real parent ) NO MATTER THE SITUATION SHOULD EVER TRY YO TURN THE CHILD(REN) AGAINST THE OTHER PARENT…. end of topic!
Just send your love to her with no blame or expectations of a relationship. Apologize for your mistakes and ask her forgiveness. And offer her the choice to know you if she wants to. And then let it be.
All these comments makes me appreciate my mom so much more… thank God I have a good one. I would be lost with our my mother…shame on some of you the way you speak about ur mom no matter what. How very sad.
If both of your kids don’t speak to you as adults there is a reason and blaming the ex for brainwashing them isn’t going to cut it or manipulating them because of your health, then playing victim. Classic red flags for toxic mothers
They are grown not children. If you made a mistake own up to it and change your actions. You cant force or expect them to act how you want them too. If you truly didnt do anything wrong they will see it one day but it’s not for you to decide when they do. It doesnt matter the health of anyone if they wasnt present or neglected them. Person experience give them time and honesty is all you can do
Sorry they have to come around on there own as they are adults
Going through the same thing, a separated husband for 9 years with much better lawyers, I can’t compete with him…have not seen my kids in 9 years but heard today my son is ok, all I wanted to know he is healthy and well, my daughter was the one who helped get me pushed out of my home, not missed her…
Let them go and let them think let them learn the hard way
Table turn always when have own kids
You should be asking her what it is that she needs from you, what you can do for her to help your relationship. Start with taking responsibility for your mistakes and apologizing without blaming others or excuses. Good place to start.
I would highly recommend getting a counselor. If you have shown narcissistic behaviors in the past then you can heal.
Kids don’t just get brainwashed without reason. Own up to your mistakes, if your health is bad im truly sorry but don’t put that on them. Guilt doesn’t make things better.
dad might of said this and that about you but kids make their own minds up when they become adults they can work things out amd figure out what’s true and whats not and by the sounds of it I don’t think its what dad has said about you that they have nothing to do with you, maybe you need to ask yourself why and figure out what you have done, kids don’t cut their mothers off unless something was done not because stories were told
You’re not giving enough context to give any advice on. If your full grown adult children have no contact with you, there’s a reason. That is on you. Fix what you messed up.
Write them letters to leave for them maybe…
She called you what😳 yeah no…until she learns how to respect you as her mother i wouldn’t reach out to her again.Theres no excuse for that.NONE
Im so sorry you’re going through this. we don’t know all the details of course, but you have a side to the story too… personally I don’t speak to my dad, and I’m okay with that. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him, or wouldn’t if he was very ill. I think you should let them have their space and work through their things. Don’t make the focus of them be that they don’t talk to you, but rather all that you love about them and always have. Mothers make mistakes, accept what yours have been and understand their view. They will come around.