So my son will be 4 in August. Overall he’s a really good kid. Super smart and funny. He learns easily and likes doing new things. However, he will not listen. And he talks back sooooo much. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried taking all of his toys, putting him in the corner for short periods of time, I’ve spanked him (I don’t really care about the spanking comments, so save them, he gets him but spanked end of story), I’ve tried talking to him about the things he does, and it never goes anywhere. All I get from him when I ask him why he’s done something after I’ve asked him not to is “cause I don’t listen” or “cause I wasn’t supposed to” or just anything except the topic at hand. I’ve tried taking his precious teddy that he sleeps w every night. I’ve taken away fun things to do. Nothing seems to work. It seems like he just doesn’t care, and he wants to do what he wants to do. I could tell him not to mess w something or not do something, and he’ll go right and do it in front of my face. He constantly talks back, which I’m not too worried about, but it is frustrating. I could tell him his food is cooling off, and he’ll argue w me saying it’s not stuff like that. Mainly I just need opinions on what to do about him not listening. Thank you.
Following… id love to hear some opinions too my son has a huge loving heart , he is smart & sweet! He is 6 years old and by I tell you he is the same DO NOT LISTEN… I’ve tried it all too, So I hear Yah…it’s very stressful!!
I often hear words from many people “ Ohh You Have Your Hands Full With Him”. And he is the only child.
This author is amazing and has a series. Some of the books are free on Amazon. It actually made a world of difference with my son. We would read the books at bedtime and then at school the next day he was using what he learned.
Hang in there. It does get better. Hopefully, this will help you find a starting point.
My 9 year old has been this way since birth!! I have learned to pick and choose my battles with him. But every day it is still something. We do sentences. Push ups. Wall squats. Nothing really sticks for too long because it becomes ineffective. You just gotta do what works in that moment.
Praise the good things he does relentlessly. Anything and everything you like, he will be more inclined to practice those behaviors
My son started them things when he was around 2, he is almost 5 now and has been diagnosed with ADHD.
I still don’t have any answers on what to do or consequences. We just have to take it day by day 
I use reverse psychology. But I don’t usually do it on my own. My husband voice is scary compare to mines. Something’s reverse psychology works sometimes it don’t. They hate being told what to do, so I tell them "ok fine than, do whatever you want. Now if u get hurt or make a mess don’t expect me to help. Seems like they test u so much.
He sounds exactly like my son did when he was younger. My son was diagnosed with ODD. I learned to talk to him differently than my other kids, it took me a long time but it was the only way!
I swear this is my child. He will be 4 in July and I just don’t know what to do sometimes. He can be so sweet and gosh so smart bit will not listen to a single thing I say and it’s always a tantrum. Mostly I feel like it’s because I have joint custody, he spends a week with me and a week with his dad. Dad has different rules and spoils him so I have to be the mean parent, or so I feel like.
My son will be 3 next month. Ever since he started walking we have taught him right from wrong. If he does something good, we clap & say nice boy. When he’s being bad, we tell him that it’s not okay, that it was bad, and that he shouldn’t do that or he could get hurt / whatever. Now he really knows when he’s doing something bad & we catch him, he’ll run away and then come kiss us lol , we don’t let it get to us 
as cute as it is, we still tell him it was wrong because we don’t want him to ever be disrespectful.
Two things I’ve done is if my oldests cartoons are on I’ll change them and when he asks why I’d say what he’d say like I don’t want to do what you want me to do. Or I’ll tell him marshall or chase (paw patrol) doesn’t do this or doesn’t so that and usually one of the two works depending on what it is.
For my son praising him for his good deeds worked.
My son is also 4 and the best advice I can give is pick your battles. He’s going to test his limits, so let him in a safe way. I explain why he doesn’t want to do something and if he argues, let him learn to a degree. For example, if you tell him his food is hot and he says it isn’t, let him eat it (obviously not scalding to where he could get injured). Another lesson I learned is don’t get in a pissing contest with him. If you say it’s cooling and he says it’s not, ignore him. You don’t have to somehow convince him to agree with you to be right. It also concerns me a little that he says he doesn’t listen, etc. Maybe quit saying that and over praise when he does and tell him he’s such a good kid or whatever so he gets that in his head instead.
I’m just sending mom love bc mine are grown now and they are all boys but their mouth kept them in the most trouble. After ever sass, I would add a chore for my teens but for 4 year olds, he’s testing his limits with you. Try not to get frustrated and encourage him to not interrupt you when you are talking and then ask him what he would like to say. Anything negative that come out, just politely say no sir, we are not going to talk to me that way, let’s try to say that again. You may have to guide him into what’s appropriate but I promise, you will open doors for later in like when he wants to talk to you.
I have young boys. I have learned that less words is best. They doesn’t listen if I go on and on. I try to keep my corrections to a simple sentence (they have such short attention spans ) and consistently. Every time they do they aren’t supposed to, I correct it, short and sweet. But that age is so hard. It’s all about testing what they can get away with.
Positive star chart for everytime he does listen. Don’t focus so much on the negative.
He is 4 years old. I’ll repeat that…he’s 4!! Just let him be 4.
You asked for advice about how to handle your son, but you do not like the only thing that will streighten him out , he’s not the problem , you are
Spare the rod hate the child
Have you tried asking him if he understands why you’re telling him something? Sometimes with the kids I teach, I say “get down now!” Then they fight back. I finally asked, “do you know why I asked you to get down?” They often say “no I don’t”. Then I explain why I asked them to get down. They often stop the behavior.
OK I read that advice as ignoring the child for the few minutes it usually takes for a kid to realize that being ugly isn’t getting him what he wants, and as soon as he stops being ugly, then give him attention and food and whatever else he needs, as well as what he wants as long as what he wants is appropriate.
And this is discipline, not punishment. Swatting on the behind is punishment,
And generally, discipline teachers self-discipline, and punishment teaches Avoidance.
Act like you don’t hear his back talk or disrespect AND stop doing ANYTHING for him. No emotion, no cajoling, just go about your business, no matter what he does or says. Be nonchalant. He gets food, care, and attention when he deserves it, but not a second before. Meanwhile, as long as he is being a little jerk, nothing. He won’t starve, for food or affection, trust me.
He’s four, he’s testing boundaries and figuring out where the limit is. Yes it’s frustrating, but instead of losing your temper and hitting him, try and explain to him why his behaviour isn’t okay. And learn to apologise, sometimes kids actually have a - to them- logical reason for tgeir actions
Chin up there are always hard days my 4 kids have their moments my oldest now 15 was diagnosed with adhd when he was 5 and the only way I managed with him was if he talked to me like crap and demanded things I would just ignore him and walk away, it would take all of 5 maybe 10 mins and he would come back with a better attitude and ask nicely it still works to this day and I use it with my other 3 youngest being 4 it works. As my dad said they are waiting for a reaction good or bad and when they dont get one they soon figure it out thats not the way we speak to people to get something.
You sound like you have a superiority complex. He is saying “cause I don’t listen”… like I can really tell what kind of life you breath into your child. It sounds like you need to figure out what you can do to redirect his behavior. Like you said he’s overall a good child. Stop instilling negativity into your child.
He could have ODD or some form of autisim. My nephew has done this for years to him mom. You’re welcome to PM me and I can connect you to her for some advice or something before having him looked at. But this sounds just like my nephew.
Sounds like an intelligent boy who may need a lot more activity and stimulation. Instead of arguing with him and lecturing him, distract him with activities that challenge him mentally and physically. Could be ADHD too. You don’t say what he is like at school or with other children.
Why does a child have to have something supposedly wrong with them because of the way they behave. He’s a 4 year old child this is what kids this age do my own 4 year old does it but is generally very good as us this child from what the poster had said. Slapping doesn’t work nor does it teach them anything which is clear to see neither does shouting work. I warn pur 4 year old you do that this will happen and explain the consequences she then decides if she does it or not simple. When she’s droning on and on or answering back we do tell her not to be cheeky if she carries.on it’s a simple go to your room. The more negative you come across to a child the more their behaviour will also be negative
Make your yes mean yes and no means no.
If he has a consequence to his wrong behavior keep your word and say only what you mean or what your going to do.
Count to 3 and every time you get to 3 and it has not changed then he is disciplined.
Never let him mouth you off or disrespect you and if he screams and has a fit let him but keep your word on the consequences and he is at a age to have a choice meaning he can pick 1 disciplinary action out 2 you give him and it gives him some control and more thought to picking his discipline.
Do you reward good behavior regularly? Sometimes we give our children attention only when they are acting out but fail to reward the good. Discipline is a form of love. He is seeking extra hard for that for some reason.
Okay so I’m not a mom, I don’t have a child, but I WAS your child. I reacted to a complete lack of understanding and parents who saw my frustration as an act of an “alpha child” who wanted to “run the family”. In reality, my parents are old fashioned. They raised me under the concept that “children should be seen and not heard” and “I can make a child bend to my will because I’m an ‘adult’”. Well, I had opinions. I had ideas and desires just like any adult (obviously about different things - chicken nuggets and so on) But what I’m saying is every child is a human being and a tiny adult in development. If you don’t respect them, they sense it, and they’ll show you they sense it. You have to find a common ground with him and allow him to make positive decisions for himself and reward that behavior. Instead of focusing so hard on discipline.
Honestly ADD, AUTISM?! Sure keep your eye out for these but HE’S 4, A Dr shouldnt diagnose adhd add that young. Please let children be children, they are their own autonomous beings… children don’t even fully understand the notion of lasting ‘consequence’ until they are 10… but sure medicate the baby if it helps you feel better about your parenting… just remember this child you can easily dominate now will become an adult.
We’re always told about the terrible twos, but they don’t say anything about the super terrible threes. My daughter was so challenging when she was three, and like with your son, nothing worked. Nothing. That’s an age where they feel like doing things, such as arguing, but they don’t even understand why they want to do it. I swear my daughter’s third year is why I have grey hair. The good news is, he will outgrow it. Just be persistent with your punishments. Take him to the park, the zoo, get him outside. If he misbehaves, then leave. Simply tell him that you don’t stay if he can’t behave, take him to the car, buckle him in his car seat, and drive home. Don’t even argue with him or explain it further. He will start to get it. Also keep in mind that he could be really smart, which may mean he gets bored easily, and when he’s bored he may act out.
He’s four. You are disrespecting him so you will get that in return. Even if you do shame or beat him into submission wait until he’s bigger than you and has lost all trust or respect for you… you’ll lose him… as you were
The best parenting advice I have ever received is “they aren’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time”. Try to figure out why he is having a hard time. Could be lack of choices and autonomy, boredom or lack of a creative outlet, gets a better reaction and attention from you when he does negative things, etc. Maybe he is asking for attention and comfort and doesn’t know how to do that in positive ways.
I have no advice if you dont want to hear reasons why spanking is bad. It obviously isnt helping with this situation.
Children at this age are figuring out their own autonomy and initiative. How often is he able to make his own choices? They dont have to be free choices, but giving him the option of wearing the blue or red shirt, or between cleaning up his toys now or in 20 minutes may help with some push back. No one wants to have no control, even children.
Ps 4 is an age where male born children get a huge flood of testosterone, so consider that too.
It sounds to me from reading this that there is no consistency in what will happen if he shows bad behaviour.
You need to decide on what your discipline will be and stick to it, there should be improvement with time, a change won’t happen overnight.
Like anything it needs to be taught.
I wouldn’t choose spanking though, it’s unlikely to work.
I would get him on a routine and stick to it. At this age routine is everything plan activities and stick to a discipline method such as putting him in the corner and rest the time every time he continues to misbehave. You have to reset your patience though because he is 4 and this is typical 4 year old behavior. When he continues to act up start taking away the planned activities and send him to bed early and you can use this as reward system (extra 10/15 minutes to stay up). Also try and include him in activities you are doing such as folding laundry, cooking, washing dishes. They do grow out of it, relax it will be okay.
Maybe reward him for the things he does right?
Both my sons had ADD. Rewards worked the best.
You have been so inconsistent and all over the place with discipline. He has no idea what you want and he is telling you in his own words and your not hearing him.
Get a referral from your GP to a child psychologist and have them run some assessments. This could become a bigger issue once he starts school so best to check now. Also recommend Triple P Parenting program or Tuning into kids.
Have you tried explain how it makes you feel when tlhe talks back or does something that you don’t like. Putting emotions and something he can relate to might help. Telling him until he fixes whatever behavior or sass, you will not communicate with him
He’s 3! distraction distraction distaction, positive things and praise… Any negative behaviour ignore
Don’t listen to him. When he’s hungry or wants bottle say no I’m not listening and see if he catches on that if he listens he will get what he wants because it’s the right thing to do. Yes kind of a bribery tactic but your giving him a taste of his own medicine. It’s working currently with my cousins 3 yr old. But again it doesn’t work for everyone
It depends on what you consider backtalking. I have an almost 4 year old at home and the only real situations where he “backtalks” are the situations where I ask him to do something and he doesn’t understand why I ask it.
Explaining to him why I want him to do something usually does the job.
I’m not the boss of him, he’s his own human being. We do however live in the same household and things like picking up toys and grocery shopping are part of keeping a household running. Not playing with knives is something I say to keep him safe. Not calling people names is a rule we have to keep everyone happy. Not hitting is a rule because we love each other and we don’t want the other to be in pain. Etc.
My 3.5 yr old was like this and can be sometimes still. His daycare teacher has the kids on a color system which has done wonders for him! Green( being good), yellow ( in the warning stage), and red( just bad behavior). Since he got on this system and they follow through at his daycare, he very rarely now gets past yellow. If he’s not listening or arguing and we say he’s on yellow he whines a bit, but will relax and begin to listen. Honestly I feel ya though. This stage has been worse than when he was 2.
I think more positive recognition might help. Also try teaching him what is soft by tickling him with a feather and then talk soft. It’s called sensory teaching. You match what you feel with what you say. It might help. Kids must be taught what and how to say nice things by tone inflection and feel.
I make a pact with my son sometimes (11) and say let’s talk nice with each other today and recognize that I too don’t talk nicely. My accountability reflects on his behavior. Apologize even if you feel it is trivial it helps you bond over what their feelings might be.
When you asked him why he talks back and he gives you some sort of reason, have you asked him what he thinks a solution could be for him to not do that? That gives him a sense of self.
Dont know if anyone else mentioned this, but my very obstinate daughter responded well to a star chart, or rewards chart, whatever you want to call it. There can be daily small successes that the kids love, and bigger ones at the end of the week. It shifted her behavior, not completely, but it definitely made a positive difference
I feel you my 3.5 year old is very much the same, she’s been suspected of having ADHD but is too young to diagnose her as of yet. We’ve taken toys from her, time out , smacked , sent to bed early , taken home from fun places ect , she says sorry but than the next day she’s back at it again. There are days she does listen but it seems those days are becoming non existent. She’s currently on a waiting list to see a Occupational therapist as well.
I have a gaggle, six of them are boys. So, kids follow by example. If you have a friend with slightly older kids, ask if they will help you. If you tell those kids to stop a game or go pick up toys or come with you, and they listen, your son will want to follow suit.
You need to learn how to deal with him at his age level of understanding. When you figure this out, you’ll get better response from him, and he’ll realize that you want what’s best for him. In turn, you’ll feel a lot better in your parenting. And you need good info about each level of growth that he will go through. Parents need to be armed with knowledge and tolerance for their children.
He is seeking a reaction from you and you’re giving it to him. He’s found the right button to push. I totally agree with others: don’t react to his flippantness; just go about your business and be nonchalant. Praise him when he does something kind. And this behavior by you also needs to be mirrored by your partner/spouse, if there is one, as well. You cannot be the bad person all the time. Children are smarter than you think. If you’re the one who is constantly saying “No” and are the one handing out “punishment”, they will go to the other partner/spouse for approval. Like others said, he will survive.
Has he been referred to a behavioral specialist?
He is a typical 4 year old. They say terrible 2’s but 3 and 4 are much worse once they find their voices. Give it time, be stern but he will outgrow it.
Try reverse psychology. My daughter does not care if I tell her not to do something. But when I tell her to do it again… as I’m watching, then she won’t. Idk y it works, but it does. And be consistent.
Maybe instead of saying don’t do this or that try saying it like __(insert behavior__needs to be done this way because it can harm you or i would like it if you would help mom with this or that or whatever you need him to do without the dont or no’s because in my opinion those words are like rebellious. I hope you understand what I am saying. Lol
Hes looking for connection.
Use a time out step for a better discipline method. 1 min per age. Talk to him after the time out about why he is there and always give a hug once he has understood and is forgiven. Don’t hold a grudge. The book ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ is very good at addressing these kind of issues and gives tools to put into practice.
Act exactly like him. Period. Once he learns that then come to an agreement of how you too need to respect one another and everyone else in the world. 
hope that helps. Thats what I do with my son when he’s mouthy and he gets HELLA upset and then I explained how that made me feel a similar way when he treated me that way. Its definitely gotten better. Although I don’t spank him, he thinks its funny. Talking eye to eye usually works. Hope you get it handled mama. Hes 5.
Oh dear. He sounds like he’s learned that’s just what life is, and he has no clue what he should be doing instead.
3 and 4 are when kids are super adventurous and learning about themselves and the world and what to do and not do by… Doing everything and trying to use words to change everything. It’s an amazing stage of development and growth and social learning.
Your child is attention seeking and flailing and learning that he’s a bad kid that doesn’t listen and doesn’t do what he’s told, and it’s really not his fault. It’s not your fault, either. You sound like you really want to help him but like you don’t quite know how.
Instead of punishing the behavior you don’t want to see, you want to address if briefly in one sentence and then immediately show the child what you want them to do instead, and make it positive and full of attention and love.
Kid hits the dog?
“Ouch! Poor dog. Look, see? Shelby likes soft touches. *Gently pats dog and coos to dog. See how Shelby loves that? You’re so sweet with Shelby.”
Basically anything they do bad/wrong is a mistake (oops!) at that age, and as soon as they correct the behavior they’re being who they are as people.
Now… since he’s already learning that he’s not a great kid, it’s going to take a lot more patience and repetition. And it sounds like he really pushes your buttons.
Be sure you say what you mean and mean what you say. Be very clear in your expectations and discipline. Try moving away from “no” and “stop” and toward positive phrases like “when your toys are cleaned up, you may have a snack” sounds more positive then “you’re not getting a snack until your toys are cleaned up”. What kind of shows is he watching? Be mindful of what he’s exposed to on TV. In my 22 years of parenting I’ve witnessed kids shows move from slight sarcasm to downright disrespect during the dialog. Others have mentioned that he may be on the spectrum and that might be true but I’ve raised 3 boys and let me tell you–I can remember taking my former first grader into the doctor’s office and plopping him down on the exam table and saying I swear to God this kid has ADHD. His pediatrician laughed at me and told me to have his IQ checked. Sure enough, my child was highly gifted and was…bored. It was definitely an eye opening moment for me as a mom and set into motion a whole different way of parenting and educating him (and myself). Oh, and I’m all for those butt whoopings. I didn’t have to spank often but they knew I would put a wooden spoon on that thigh in a hurry. Good luck!
Difiance Disorder possibly. I did all the explaing and thinking she would grow our of it and learn but got worse and teenage years were hell. Need to adjust how you speak to him ie… what do you think about… Talk to your doctor.
He could just be 4 and still learning and developing. I hope somewhere in all these messages is a kindergarten teacher that have a room full of 4 year olds that can give you some advice. I think he needs redirection and some more skill building activities and if possible as much outside time. When my daughter was 4 we had good listening days and not so good listening days. Good listening days were easy, not listening days were tough. Those days when not listening or other not attractive behaviour was running wild in our home I chose to sit quietly doing my own thing until she sat quietly too, ready to listen. We did time outs when not listening got her into something that could cause her to get hurt and we shifted our day if not listening was going to be an issue away from home. Not once did it cross my mind that my 4 year old could have ADHD though, I just always thought of her as 4!
I don’t know if this exists in your area, but do a search for parenting class/support group called Parent Project/Loving Solutions. You could learn techniques and talk to other parents and ask them for suggestions. It’s a great program and it’s free
Take him for an assessment with a psychologist that specializes in child behaviour
Mine get sent to her bedroom till she can act right …she wanna argue , throw things, ect till she get her way of if things didn’t go how she thought…she is gonna be 9…she get s her behind spanked when warrented… it happens… your the parent you just have e to stay vigilant and pick your battles some stuff isn’t worth the argument. Sometimes being a parent isn’t super fun but you gotta stay the course …your making the next generation man. Don’t wanna send out idiots into the world. 
My Mother used a stun gun… I turned out OK 
Sounds to me that he just wants attention, whether is good or bad he doesn’t care. Personally I would ignore the bad behaviour & reward the good loads of praise even if it is something so minor. Hopefully he will recognise the good behaviour gets more attention that the bad. If he doesn’t eat then it goes in the bin, he won’t starve theres no pudding along as you’re consistent with your actions so will he be. Don’t threaten things you can’t make happen. Use words appropriately "Put your coat on as we’re going out " Not “Do you want to put your coat on?” That’s statist away giving him an option to say no. Give demands, your his parents as he looks up to you for guidance. Good luck x
I am so sick of the excuses of adhd add, odd. ABC. CBS! It’s amazing how much of the newer generations has this problem.
I always use bribery. Behave and I’ll put tv in. Pick up toys you can have a cookie. He might do better attending a class where someone else gives him instructions.
I can honestly say i gave my mom a hard time when i was little first off i thought she was my sister till just begore first grade if not for living next to my grandparents i dont think she could handle me alone i pooped my undies till allmost 7 she hadd a few nervoyse breakdowns that i remember it wasnt that i didnt love her boys just naturally give yheyre moms a hard time my grandson is 4 n the same way its a kid thing its tough being a single mom like my mom was just remember hes the closest person in your life now he needs you so try to be patient he will grow up fast try to enjoy as much as you can
Argumentative behavior can sometimes stem from brain gut health issues… try micronutrients and Probiotics… if it persists I would take him to get a brain scan… any damage to the frontal lobe can make people difficult to reason with… and make them love arguing… I would take care of it before it causes permanent damage that can last into his adult life…
I think he, and you, need a professional to help. This is a very young child to be so contrary. There may be something very serious going on. It is not a normal reaction from a 4 year old.
Not knowing everything about him, he may just need a little more attention. Sometimes when kids are able to make their own decisions they will experiment with doing things they shouldn’t. Just try giving extra attention; play a boardgame with him, read a book, do a coloring page or an art project together, etc. Not saying that it necessarily will always work, but it may redirect some of his behavior.
I know some people made the comment to ignore the backtalk. Depending on what it is, I’m not sure that I would let it go. As a teacher I’ve noticed a lot of students in that age group who will make snide comments to me about things and it is surprising that they feel they have the right to be that disrespectful to an adult. I think it comes from being at home and being disrespectful to their parents and not being corrected on it. Since negative consequences don’t seem to help, what about if you appeal to his kindness and say “it hurts my feelings when you tell me that my food tastes like crap! It’s OK not to like some thing, as long as you have given it a try.”
Good luck! It may take some work but you will get through it!
Kids learn much faster to do things that make you happy, then they learn to not do things because it makes you mad. It doesn’t mean you give him treats when he is being bad, but it means you highlight the good way more. It’s super easy to get frustrated with a kid when they are being “bad.” We always say don’t do this, no that’s bad. But ask yourself, do you say equally as much when he’s being good? My daughter is almost 3, she is highly intelligent and highly defiant. But I almost never have to yell, I almost never have to give time outs. She needs her energy redirected, I needed to learn how to change my behaviour to suit her needs. She is of course “bad” sometimes, except kids aren’t really bad. They do things that pop into their mind they don’t plan stuff out to be malicious. She needs a good day of hard play to burn some energy, she needs lots of hugs and kisses because she’s emotionally intelligent, she knows things she can do when she wants to be messy. I can’t spank my two year old for being two. It only teaches her to be scared of me, not change what she’s doing. When you get to that point in frustration, then YOU go take a minute to calm down. YOU are the grown up, you can’t control yourself why would you think he should control himself? When you learn to cope with your own feelings then you can teach him to cope. Don’t expect him to listen to you, when you aren’t listening to him either. Respect is a two way street.
treat him like you need to treat any man, lol if you want him to do something, ask him to do the opposite, Then he does what you want…LOL
Give him choices… you can go to bed and watch TV or you can go to bed and look at a book, or you can go to bed and just go to sleep. Which do you want. No argument there he has to pick one of the three options you can live with. As for talking back, tell him how it makes you feel the tell him what you expect his behaviors to be and lay out the consequences for his poor choices. Let him know it’s his choices that resulted in his consequences. Good luck to you. Raising hellions is hard. Anyone can raise an easy child. What makes a great parent isnt the success of a child so much as that we never give up on showing them the right path and putting them back on it.
There is a distinct difference between punishment and discipline. Model the behavior you want to see in him. Let him make simple choices for himself. When you take the battle away peace comes afterwards.
I haven’t read through everything about your 4 year old but nowhere has his father been mentioned in all of this. Is his father in his life as this could be the key to his playing up like this.
Maybe positive reinforcement? Punishment for negative behavior leaves a lot of other negative options open kids can choose from but if you give a reward for something good then they know that one thing is what can get them a reward. Even the small stuff, example, say one time he doesn’t argue with you about food, thank him. Don’t get rid of some punishments just add another path you can choose from.
Time out. Don’t engage when he talks back. Follow through. Do this every single time.
Instead of taking things try incentivizing use things he likes. You can start with stickers on a calendar and then have him earn something cool. Hot tip: start small—the goal is for him to earn it at first and then slowly increase the demand. If you decide to go this route, feel free to message me
It sound like oppositional disorder, you have to make him carry thru each and every order each and every time and reward him when he does it and especially when he does it without mouthing off. You are raising him for a future, and backbiters are not the best positive people …get a therapist and do and evaluation and woke on an action plan with him. Trust me it pays off but you, MOM, gotta stick to it.
Reverse psychology…play along…pretending not caring of his actions or saying.
My son was like this and the best way to deal with it is to ignore the bad and praise the good
Let him hear you praise him to other people and please don’t hit him all this does is teach him to lash out
Also say let’s do this or that and sit with him and draw or do a puzzle and say how clever he is
As he’s getting bigger tell him stories about real life as if you know the people
Good and bad
Like you saw a lady upset because her son had got hurt and she was so upset because she was afraid but you were so relived that you know he wouldn’t do it this could be smoking drugs drinking speeding in a car but this way you are not telling him what to do but you are planting seeds
You are crossing those bridges before you get to them
Obviously it’s got to start from now with little things like school food too many sweets and as they get bigger the bigger things that really do happen
Tell who ever you are with what a good boy he has been so that he can hear you tell them that you are so proud of him and how much you love him
Never ever run him down when he can hear you
Praise praise praise it’s the finest form of recognition
Just give it a try
My kids are not perfect they are all adults now with children of their own
But they all work they all have their own homes and they are all decent people
They all have respect
I have spoken to them all and they all agree that this works and how much it made them think when they were small
I’m not saying he will never do wrong we all do as we are learning life’s lessons
Best wishes and god bless xx
Only you know if hes NOT listening or dosent understand/comprehend…remember he is only 4…if hes just being defiant have you tried time out? The punishment has to fit the situation and needs to be right away so they know it’s from the actions they just did…and I also spanked, not hard enough though cause she would laugh after I did it cause it never hurt. My daughter was affected more by me not interacting with her after her behavior was incorrect rather than the spanking, but sometimes a good crack on the ass is needed…just take each incident as a learning experience. We aren’t perfect and any women who thinks she is is fooling herself…and all kids are different too…good luck and dont worry to much, your doing a great job😊
You should look into positive parenting. We have a 4yo that our au pair would say didn’t listen to her but when we spend time with him, he is an angel. It has a lot to do with your expectations and how many things you ask of him and what you tell him about himself. We read a few books like Raising good Humans; Hunt, Gather, Parent; How to Talk so kids will listen. It comes down to respect, attention and power. If you look at it from the kid’s point of view, they have so little say in their lives and sometimes they don’t listen bc they need more control (let them make some decisions). Imagine if you were constantly told what to do without any say in anything / it would be extremely frustrating to you so you would probably act out. The other thing kids need is positive connection and attention- at least 15 minutes of positive play/interaction without any distractions (I would honestly say my kids need at least 1 hour - no phones and see what games they want to play not what you like doing with them). I would also restart and stop telling him he’s a bad boy, misbehaving bc now that’s how he sees himself. So back to my 4yo - our au pair would complain he doesn’t listen to her - every morning we would ask him to be nice and behave, but no matter how hard we tried, he would never be perfect / he is 4 and sometimes he would misbehave (we understood that as parents but she wouldn’t). In his head, based on her feedback, he was a bad boy. When she left, he told me that his wish is to be a good boy and to listen. After I watched him for one day - spending quality time with him, and appreciating when he did listen, making him feel good about himself, he said - “I am so happy because my wish came true - I am a good boy. Sometimes it’s hard for me not to get mad and hit, but my wish came true.” That made me so sad, bc sometimes, we as adults, don’t recognize how hard it is for kids to control their emotions or to follow all of our instructions. So my advice is to read some of the books or at least this article on 5Rs of positive parenting and it will change your whole view of why kids misbehave and see them for what they are - little kids that try hard to please you if they only get a chance. There should be natural consequences but they should be respectful, reasonable, related to the misbehavior, revealed in advance and repeated back to you (to make sure they understand). But I would start a day with thinking what rules are important to you (so don’t ask him too many things where he will fail), then have him decide - do you want to get dressed now or in 5 minutes (when he does what you want recognize it - give him positive attention for his work and he will continue to cooperate). This will build his confidence over time and in no time, he will do things for you even without asking. Just reminder yourself to start with fewer rules and build from there. Good luck! 5Rs: No-yelling formula for consequences — WORK LIFE KIDS
He’s 4!! I assume this is your 1st child.
It’s the terrible 3’s! Patiently hoping you can manage through them.
You should have him tested for Add/ Adhd . Sounds like he has adhd to me.
Try reading to him for a somewhat extended period as part of his (and, even yours at times) bedtime ritual. About the day “punishing”…you’re hurting a great relationship that will never flower into fulfillment for either of you. Drop the shaiping (mis)behavior theme…take on part of the day–e.g. bedtime…and focus on at least THAT time hopefully where it can evolve into both listening and speaking opportunities for both…and for him, a different experience of “mommie” as opposed to care and nurturing of the day and it might help corrections or punishments involved by offering more discussion time for the two of you. AND, you’ll be amazed at his attention time when the stories are suited to him. The moments of sharing confidences and experiences will amaze you, perhaps. (a thought–give the little thing his little toy; let him be a baby as he moves through toddler age…school is coming soon. You will need the little guy more than you know. Love him…it’s easy.
People will always have differing views on parenting methods and just because it doesn’t suit you it doesn’t mean it’s automatically wrong. What is not being understood by most people with statuses like this is how the mom really feels, everyone knows being a mom is the hardest and the worst job in the world sometimes but can also be the most amazing and most rewarding too. We’re all different types of parent and our kids are all different types of kid, yours is a saint and mines a little shit or vice versa. So my advice on this, maybe when your son gets up in the morning talk to him about what fun things he likes to do and what things he doesn’t like to do. This is a great place to start with the direction you can move in terms of punishment for bad behaviour. He’s told you himself what he likes to do so this will be the biggest thing he will understand when it’s taken from him. Make two lists A and B. A is what he likes to do and B things he doesn’t like to do. When he’s good he can pick something off A when he’s naughty it is replaced by something off B instead. Nothing too much as he is only 4, so maybe making his bed instead of watching a cartoon or tidying his toys instead of riding his bike. Make the rewards bigger than the chore in order to encourage him to want them. Maybe also you could try a smiley face rewards system, for every good thing and gets happy face and for every bad thing he gets a sad face. If at the end of the week he has more sad than happy no treat but if he has more happy then a treat of some form. Maybe go for ice cream or to the movies or take him to the park or have a friend around to play. Something he will enjoy.
Maybe if your life allows (may have hectic work commitments or other smaller children) set some time with him that’s just you and him that you can play a game or watch a movie and eat some junk food together. He will enjoy the time you have more than he realises he will.
I’m not an expert I’m simply making suggestions so anyone who feels they need to offer negative criticism of my comment is pointless.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck. You’ve got this and you are amazing even when you don’t feel like it xx
You are describing my husband at 63. He has recently been diagnosed with cognitive decline. I am not saying your son has that issue but I am saying you are describing him to a T at a young age and now it is impossible to have ANY conversation with him that he is argumentative, defiant, loss of empathy, no compassion and worst of it is everyone else is to blame for anything and everything that goes wrong or bad except him. He was tested as a child and the conclusion at the time was a learning disability. Now it is believed that he had cognitive problems then and not addressing them or the way they were addressed has contributed to a person that does no wrong, has no responsibility in things that cause problems due to lack of listening or understanding. He has crossed the line in several.situation involving females, and claims he did not do anything wrong. He was in an accident that killed a man, all he carries on about is the damage to his car… He has unreasonable expects of every aspect of being an adult. He is an endless pit of excuses, entitlement and obstinate behaviors… Please take the time to turn every stone over in your quest to get a diagnosis so that he has a chance to be a productive human being. Do this for yourself and anyone else he may have a relationship. I speak from a disillusioned broken heart . His family abandoned him long ago. Get help! I send you good prayers and strength as this will be the most trying thing you will ever do. FYI, every post in this feed has been tried with my husband from his parents, siblings myself and suggestions from medical professionals. They gave up on him and found it easier to corral him or endulge him. He has become a master manipulator. The scary part is the consequences of his actions has NO effect. I will not abandon him as I signed on to a lifetime commitment…your son needs every opportunity to turn this around. Do this foryourself as well as him
Whatever his most favorite thing to do in the world, whether it’s an outing to a trampoline park, a mature super hero movie or Robux for Roblox etc, instead of punishing the bad, we reward with good. The Kids would get a point (a “dollar”) towards a goal each day they were good and that helped them with motivation to clean, eat, and be decent little humans etc. When it comes to talking back, our kids loved staying up until 9 before going to bed, but if they were bad, they had to go straight to bed whether it was 7pm or 2pm. We turned the talking back into saying “OK mama/daddy” and make them re-word what they just in a less rude way. If you let a child walk all over you at 4, just imagine them at 14 or 24. I love my boys but I’ll be damned if they make a habit of disrespect. That means they’ll disrespect their friends, teachers, bosses and end up living in the basement until they’re 40.
So he’s a good kid … testing boundaries…
you should be worried about him talking back because it will get worse as he gets older
I think you could try a method I saw online the other day. You get like 20 popsicle sticks and have him decorate each one. Each one has a “value”, either money or rewards (fun activities with you or whatever you know he loves and looks forward to). Every time he doesn’t listen or misbehaves you take one away. At the end of the week he gets to cash them in. This is not bribery it is a young minded way to teach them that good things come with good behavior… I think it could be a positive motivation for him instead of a negative one. Also, just as an extra piece of advice, they say that it is psychologically damaging to use a child’s “lovey” as a punishment. A “lovey” is that special toy that gives them comfort, it should be off limit because they literally are like an emotional support for kid’s, kind of like taking away a parent for misbehaving. Off limits.