Please post anonymously. Trigger alerts loss and stillbirth. How can I help SIL through a loss? My BIL and SIL were expecting a daughter due next week but suffered a heartbreaking loss this morning. They have three other girls (9,4, and almost 2) and live nearby, though we are not necessarily all that close. (Background, BIL lost a son at 2mo eleven years ago, before he met his wife, and they lost a previous pregnancy in the second trimester) They’ve asked for privacy, and I will respect that, but I want so much to help them if I can. She has family locally taking care of the girls, and I don’t want to make my offer of help to be one more thing they have to handle right now. What are some specific things that I can offer to do to ease their burden while they grieve?
Can you drop off a casserole for them? Food is the hardest thing to think about when going through hell. If they have a porch, text them and let them know you left it there that way they don’t have to interact if they don’t want to. My heart goes out to them and bless you for wanting to help.
Give them space to grieve the loss of a baby. In time they will reach out to you. Just be patient.
Speaking from experience the loss of a baby . Keep them in your prayers
Send food, flowers, a nice card.
I cooked a few meals for my SIL when she lost her baby. So that it was one less thing she had to worry about doing for her family.
Food/drinks and if it’s possible if they still need someone to watch their other 3 children for a few days offer that, maybe offer to clean their home, do laundry, little things like that around the house that still need to be done
I would agree with the food, with little ones at home the last thing you want to do is cook for them but you worry about them eating
Food is always good, especially something freezable. Just let them know you’re there, whatever they need.
Cook a meal and drop it on the porch as to not infringe on their requested privacy
Send food as often as possible
Definitely food. I wouldn’t send flowers or a card. I know after my mom died, I hated seeing flowers and a card attached to them because it triggered me crying. It was like a sign that she wasn’t coming back
Gift cards for takeout
I’d stick with cooking a meal for them, give them time to process & grieve. There’s a lot of sadness in this post, a lot of things to handle. Give them time.
I had a miscarriage and d&c in 2016. I at the time had a 3 year old. My friends sent small happies for him to keep him entertained and a TON of snacks/quick foods that stocked me up for a couple weeks. It helped me so much! Please remember the other kids too bc the older ones will know and be sad as well.
I would give them privacy for a while before reaching out. They are probably overwhelmed with people reaching out to offer help. When they have had some time to process and had some privacy, prep some meals for them and take them over so dinners are easy. Maybe offer to clean their house because that won’t be at the forefront of their minds during this time. Even things like offering to run errands such as grocery shopping can help.
First I would let them grief in private at the moment bf reaching out but if u want to do something to help them, cook a meal or dinner for them through the week and let them know ur sorry for their loss, if there’s something anything u can do for them, let u know
When I lost my son last year I wanted to be left alone. People brought over tons of food that didn’t get eaten because none of us (my other 2 kids and me) could eat. We finally ate some sandwiches after 4-5 days. Give them privacy. When your SIL is ready to talk just listen. Don’t offer advice or make any comments. People don’t realize that losing a child is life altering and then say the dumbest shit. After a couple of weeks reach out if you haven’t heard from them but again, just listen.
Offer to babysit when they need it
Drop off food on their porch and text them it’s there
Drop off food. When my son was stillborn I didn’t want to do anything let alone cook. That would be the biggest blessing. And knowing they have someone who is there for them
Maybe offer to make them dinner the first week or so or arrange a dinner sign up for anyone wanting to help. Offer to come over clean the house and do laundry. Send flowers with a message letting them know that if they need your help you are their. Just be their friend and respect their grieving process.
Food they can freeze and have later. Think pot pie, lasagna, that sort of thing where all they have to do is pull it out of freezer and bake. Offer to help them clean their home or take the kids for a day. Really the biggest thing is to just not disappear after you’ve made it through your grieving. My husband passed away and after the service, everyone went back to their lives and I was “stuck”
Take a dinner over: lasagna, casserole, something simple
That will last for
Text and tell them your thinking of them and keep them in prayer and when they are ready listen to them if they want to talk
Buy milk and bread and check the little things. But keep checking in and up when the friends stop coming and the family have left and stop bringing food etc. That’s the killer gap.
Prep some meals for them, offer to babysit/occupy the children with something.
When they are ready for visitors help with household chores.
Send a text every couple of days to see if they need anything. They may not respond but they will know you are there for them.
Drop off food and text them it’s there. If others are willing to make sure it’s just a drop off- don’t force them to interact. Just text and let them know you are thinking of them - but don’t ask questions- Bc then they may feel obligated to answer. After multiple days- text and say you will be in the area/going to the store and ask if they need anything. Say you have a day off text and ask if you could watch the girls for a few hours…
Food, offer to come by and straighten up the house while she naps, help with laundry… We went through this a few months ago with my sister and she was so down… These simple gesters really helped her cope.
I don’t have any answers but please know your in my prayers
Make dinner, offer to do something with the kids, clean the house, no talking. Just be there, no talking. Let them talk if and when they are ready.
When grieving people often neglect themselves. You can make food in throw away containers (so they don’t need to worry about washing dishes, remembering to return dishes) that can be frozen & warmed up in the oven or microwave. Remember disposable plates & utensils as well. Put in a nice note letting them you’re here for them if they need help with the children, cleaning, shopping or to talk. Don’t be pushy about it though. Put it out there then let them come to you. Leave the food on their porch & text that it’s there.
Make them a casserole one or two nights a week and just drop it off. So they can reheat them when they need it
Buy some grocery staples, think toilet paper, laundry detergent, paper towels, milk, bread, eggs, sliced cheese, and make up some freezer/crockpot meals that have simple directions.
Text and drop off and go if they don’t desire visitors. If they are ok with company, bring coffee for parents, an activity something for the other kids to do and ask if you can do laundry/dishes/clean and not expect them to entertain you.
And don’t do it just once or twice. Be a regular presence. That’ll help the most
Just be there,if they need u!!
Cook a meal or send take out gift cards. With a thinking of you note. Let’s them grieve privately but helps take the burden off of household responsibilities. Maybe grocery order for them? Activity for the kids?
Just send a simple text letting them know you are there to help in anyway they need cleaning, child care, talking, running errands ect.
Give them space I needed space after my still born
Drop off food at their door. Don’t knock or disturb them. Send them a text saying ‘I left food at your door. I didn’t want to invade your house so I left it unattended at your door’.
Include snacks, home made meals, milk, eggs and bread.
Maybe a simple text letting them know you’re there if you need them. Sometimes that’s all you can really do.
Gifts for the kids so they arent all over mama and food. Lots of it. Easy to eat food.
DM with your cashapp tag for today offer:dollar:
I think you should respect they’re wishes, but let them both know that no matter what ur there if they need anything, a shoulder to cry on someone to shout at to speak to no matter the time ur there xx
Send flowers with a sympathy card.
I would make a dinner/casserole, repeatable. Buy a packaged dessert, and drop it off. Do not stay. Just let them know that you care, and are willing to help, if needed. Repeat weekly as needed.
Make meals, send a self care package, massage, or bath
Drop off food and if you have a washer/dryer tell them to put laundry in basket and you can pick up wash fold and return at least the kids stuff and sheets towels ect . If they have pets offer to help with them as well .
Drop them homemade dinners or even idk if it was mentioned but text them and demand to leave their laundry outside every few days… im saying demand because most people would say no no there’s no need if u asked… clean clothes and food are essential and when you go through a loss like that u don’t want to do anything let alone the hardest things which are them…
Depending on where you live, cut their grass, shovel their snow. Order or make them some meals. Take the other children on a day trip so the parents can grieve together! And most and best of all pray for their comfort! You sound like a lovely person with a very big heart!
Prayers, distance & love. Give space. Reach out in a couple weeks. Might need it more then than now.
When I lost my son. Even tho I didn’t want any help. I was great full for the food.
Food is a big help. If other children are part of family, offer to take them for the day
Praying for healing!
Just let them know you are there for them if they need to talk by way of a card.
Meal train, send flowers, and just be there for them when they are ready to talk.
Pay a bill
Cook a dinner
Cook them dinner. Offer to do any grocery shopping if they need it…
Give distance but let them know you are there for them. Offer to door dash food to them, send over comfort items for the whole family, have groceries delivered to their house. Give them their space while helping.
Meals, coffee, toilet paper (everyday essentials) help with laundry
If they named their baby make sure you say their name. That was the biggest comfort for me, that people would acknowledge that he did exist. Also friends pooled money together for a burning bush and a brick with his name on it at the international children’s memorial place in a neighbouring province.
We suffered a stillbirth last year. Our church set up a meal train which was nice not having to worry about making dinners. I was given a grief box that helped. Sweet momentum type things from the hospital and also care type items. It was sweet. My SIL this year had an ornament made with all the family names on it and included our son who didn’t make it. I think that meant the most, not letting him be swept under the rug like it never happen.
The healing and grief is on the parents, but listening and being there for her when she is ready is so important. I say text her and ask if you can order them a pizza for tonight or tomorrow. Offer to bring over coffee and groceries at a time that works for them. I know your heart hurts too and you want to help, just go at their pace.
Send over home cooked comfort meals, grocery shopping, buy her some flowers or a favorite thing of hers and his(candies, food etc…) and just let your presence be known, they may want privacy for now but just remind them they have a family supporting them and love them❤
I was 40+4 & had a stillbirth of my daughter nearly 14 years ago & honestly the I’m so sorry for your loss & RIP baby etc just made me mad I wanted nothing to do with anyone for at least a year in saying that if there’s something you’d like to do just like these ladies have mentioned the food drop offs and groceries etc will help it’ll be one less thing they have to worry about. Maybe even a basket of self care things like bath bombs candles etc something she can smell and touch could help in a way to get her to focus on the smells and touch senses for at least a tiny bit nothing grieving tho just nice smelling things you think she’d like.
Speaking from experience. Nothing. Give them their space. I know you want to help but there’s absolutely nothing that you or anyone else will be able to do. If you feel like you just can’t do anything and you need to do something to make yourself feel better order them some take out and have it delivered. Or go buy them something to eat and leave it on the porch. Your SIL especially will not want to talk so don’t try. Don’t offer condolences. Don’t try to put yourself in their shoes. And do not under any circumstances ask if they are ok. You already know they’re not. When the time comes that they want company be there but don’t show pity.
Honestly being in that situation myself nothing can help words wise but bringing them meals and grocery shopping for them definitely helps ease the situation
- bring by meals
- if you visit/stop by, don’t stay long
- offer to grab groceries for them for a little while (a simple, “I’m making a run to the store later. Need anything? I could drop groceries off for you around 6.”)
- don’t post online. don’t “RIP to xxx” or “prayers for BIL & SIL” without permission.
- understand that grieving people often take out their feelings on others. don’t take it personal if they’re high strung or a little rude for a couple months
Just send a lovely card, non religious or full of any thing too heavy and just say we are here for you when you want us.
Then once they make contact a meal or small gift, baby sit their other kids for a hr or so. What ever you think they will appreciate
I’ve been through this lost my son 2 weeks after he was born a micro premie at 23 weeks & 3 days. It’ll be 4 years this January, and it’s still hard, my heart goes out to them and y’all
When it happened i just wanted to be left alone and grieve. It’s very hard especially for your BIL since this is the second time around.
I would say first off please please stick to respecting their wishes, i know sometimes everyone wants to run to them but they definitely need that space so try and stick to it.
Some things that don’t require much contact would maybe cook some meals and drop them off don’t stay longer than dropping off and telling, Them you love them and go, maybe check in on their girls with the family make sure they’re okay and offer them some help with food or something, buy some small simple groceries for them and drop off, have food delivered to them.
Since they’ve asked for space and privacy, sending a meal is a lovely gesture that is appropriate for most “touchy” situations. It lightens their load and lets them know they’re cared for.
A card, send a meal to the people taking care of the other children
Set up dinners meals or even get gift cards to places the other kids like to eat.
Fix food she’s not gonna feel like cooking but they all need to eat call or go by and let them know if they need/want anything your available 24/7 other than that accept their request to be left alone when we miscarried I was mad at the world is break down constantly over what seemed like nothing we were in the grocery store and I saw a baby bottle on the cereal isle and lost it in the store just let them cope however for however long it takes
Just be there if they need or want you to be
Drop off a hot meal just leave at door
There’s nothing, just be there for them.
Have groceries / meals sent to the house via delivery.
Make them dinners that can be frozen so when they are actually hungry they can just defrost or microwave. Def listen to them and give them time. Drop the food off at the door. Give them a text or a phone call and let them know you left food for them. Don’t give extra in the text or phone call just be straight to the point. They will appreciate the effort and the fact that you are giving them their space.
Meals. Groceries etc…
I wanted space with my miscarriage… but i always felt a lil better to receive smses like: im here. If you need Anything im here. I never replied, but it felt a lil ok
I say to let them know that if they need anything at all to just ask. Say if they need a sitter or help with dinners or anything at all to let you know and then leave it at that. Maybe you could mail them a gift card to a local restaurant that has curbside pickup. Just knowing that you care is enough. When i went through a loss I felt like no one cared.
Offer to run errands
Put a cooler outside their door or garage door if they have one and make them a different food tray every day for a couple weeks. This way they don’t have to worry about cooking or ordering food. Make things like lasagna, spaghetti & meatballs, sausage peppers & onions, chicken & pasta, salads, etc… or order food from their favorite restaurant or take out places and order things like pizza, sandwiches, dinners, etc… and drop off in the cooler. Tell them there will be food for them in the cooler everyday after 2pm or something. Not worrying about food would be helpful!
Honestly giving them space is best. They know you’re there for them. But having meals delivered or making them some food would be good
Can Someone Tell Me What SIL BIL means Please xx
I had a stillborn almost 14 years ago with a little girl i send my condolences to them… My only advice maybe send a meal or something…
Just let them know if they need anything, you are close!
Doordash gift card, instacart or Shipt gift cards. Then at least they can order food and groceries with your support. Or good old fashioned cooking, etc.
the best thing you can do is to acknowledge that there is nothing you can do to help. Honor their pain by letting them do it privately. I would definitely drop off food and a nice card, simple writing you are in my thoughts and that’s it. When I lost my daughter, I didn’t want to answer the phone and talk to anyone. They have to grieve on their own, then as a couple, and then as a family. This is not one of those moments where you will make them feel better. The worst thing I heard was “things happen for a reason”. I learned so much from my loss about respect, boundaries, and leaving people to mend their broken hearts. But definitely drop off a basket or two of food, comfy pijamas, socks. Nothing to personal or baby related.
My husband and I lost our twin girl’s while I was 27 week’s due to a home invasion attack in January 2019. We were devastated. We have two older boy’s and just celebrated the birth of our baby girl two weeks ago. There truly is no way to help someone through such a loss. Grieving in our experience was very personal and lonely. Without our faith and a year of counseling I don’t think I would where I am today. If they do reach out, just be there to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Bring them food so they don’t have to worry about cooking anything so sorry for their loss.
I would suggest a Grubb hub gift card or whatever you have. This allows them the ease of food when they need it, and what they would enjoy.
I totally agree with dropping of food. You can porch drop meals or snacks and text that it’s there. It shows that you are thinking of them while still respecting their need for privacy.
So this sounds wierd but it’s in the same vein as meal train. Omaha steak freezer box delivery? Also make sure you keep the baby’s name alive… Don’t act like she didn’t exist.