Hi I’m a mommy of an almost eight-year-old, and I can’t begin to describe how much it hurts me that she allows children to take advantage of her. She is beautiful and smart—top of her class since she started school. My issue is, she would let her friends take away her toys, or she would put herself second to others all the time. She is unable to say NO. I asked her why she does do this, and she responded that she wants them to like her, which was a shocker! Because I always encourage her, and I make sure I tell her how beautiful, smart, and amazing person she is. I’m afraid that when I’m not around, she will have something even worse done by an adult only because she is not able to stand up for herself or she gets picked on around other kids. I have always been a very sassy and outspoken person since I was young. I have never allowed anyone to pick on my sibling nor me. I was the one who would speak out. So it frustrates me so much that my daughter can not speak up for herself. Please give me advice as to how I can get her to be the confident firecracker that I know she is.
It sounds to me like she needs help with boundaries (as did I and have my whole life) maybe seeking a therapist they can work with her for a while and teach her the tools she needs! It is so important to be able to say no and not let people walk all over you❤️
Maybe she doesn’t speak up for herself because you’ve always done so for her? 
she isn’t you just give her time and space to find her way
I was the same exact way. Kids used to take my snacks, pencils, push me around, whatever and I was always so passive about it.
Fortunately though I had a best friend who was assertive for me. She literally was my back bone.
Try a therapist who can teach her about boundaries before she’s older. I did a lot of things I regret because I was too scared to say no.
Role play. You be the bully/aggressor and help her use the correct words to not allow it.
Also karate or another self defense class.
Tell her it’s okay to have a big heart BUT not at the expense of herself worth.
Absolutely get her into martial arts ie Karate would be so beneficial for her !
So not sure if this helpful but my mom was always super outspoken also. Which kind of made me feel bad that I was always shy. I use to hate it and wish I was able to be more confident and outspoken but I wish someone told me it was okay, maybe she is just a shy more reserved kid. Just find ways to build her confidence in herself. Even now as an adult I am not very outspoken but I have gotten better but my daughter is the most outspoken confident kid I have ever met. Everyone is different just don’t make her feel worse for being different.
Maybe an extra activity…baseball, gymnastics, baton, dance, ect?
I concur. Martial arts, therapist, and also this is partly why Take Our Daughters to Work Day was created—so girls could see themselves excelling in the future instead of subordinate. It’s morphed into “Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day” but any opportunity to find outstanding women (besides you) to mentor her or just show her some possibilities the better.
Also having other adult females she can confide in could be wonderful for her. There are some things you don’t want to share with mom, especially if mom might share the info with others.
Push her gently outside her comfort zone to let her know she can try new things and doesn’t have to succeed at them, it just lets her know what things are like. Ask her to solve problems. If she has a dilemma/problem, ask her what she thinks she/you/whoever should do? Ask if there might be more than one solution. If she’s lost ask more questions to guide her, don’t give her answers or tell her what you would do. Or maybe just tell her to think about it and get back to you if she comes up with any ideas.
I think fast on my feet (ADHD & extrovert) and come up with 6 ideas, maybe two of them viable, but my ex (introvert) always needed time to mull things over to find one perfect answer. This will teach her to think for herself, let her know she can come up with good solutions (most of the time) and give her confidence to solve her own problems.
Ask her “think” questions: What do you think will happen next in the movie? Why? Do you think the way the pre-teen is depicted in that show/book is realistic? Why or why not? What would have made this outing even more fun? What vegetables do you think would go good with dinner? What does it mean to be nice to you? Are there popular kids who are nice and others who aren’t? What makes a good friend? If you offer your opinion, let her know it’s just different, not that hers is wrong. She will learn to think critically and that her thoughts have value.
Let her suffer some from failures (so hard, I know, but the consequences at this age aren’t usually dire) so she can see how resilient she is, that she can survive a lot and bounce back. Let her know she shouldn’t have to “buy” people’s affection; if she has to, they’re not real friends anyway.
Give her several sources of friends and “identities,” so when she suffers in one, she can shine in another: Girl Scouts, sports, arts, church/religious activities, or whatever piques her interest (gardening, jigsaw puzzles, coding, robotics, computer games, lizards) in addition to school.
If she is an introvert, she might like individual activities within a group, like a painting class or tennis or gymnastics as opposed to basketball or soccer, but give her one thing she has to do as part of a team, as this is a good skill to have, though it might be more exhausting for her.
Good luck mama! It’s great you want to help your daughter succeed.
Read up on introverts and shy people and what makes them tick. I can’t bear being with other people without some interaction, but my ex’s whole family could sit in a room ignoring each other for hours and all be perfectly happy.
Usually when a mom is very outspoken, the children are the opposite. Evaluate yourself and your daughters relationship. Has she ever been embarrassed by you being very vocal let’s say at a restaurant? Or maybe if someone charged you wrong, do you speak to them passive aggressively? Aside from that, I would put her in a contact sport. She’ll gain confidence by being around other kids. I had a friend who’s daughter in kindergarten took her expensive ring and gave it to another girl to be friend. Also, if your daughter is a little too nice, that’s ok.
You can teach her about boundaries and encourage her too speak on how she feels but comparing her to yourself is a big NO, NO. Shes not you, and you being outspoke could very well be why she is shy. Just try to understand some people are just naturally soft spoken and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Some kids just aren’t firecrackers unfortunately
Following* my girl turns 8 end of May and she loves people but she doesn’t grasp the concept of people/kids who are being sarcastic and rude to her
I would tell her not everyone is your friend and you do not have to make yourself small for people to like you. Tell her she is a beautiful and intelligent girl and that she needs to realize that sooner than later because that will cause people to use her and take advantage of her (explain if necessary)
As the parent of an empath (and being one myself) I can relate all to well as this is a tell tale sign of empathy… check this article out and see if any of it resonates
I was like your little girl. Honestly I’m still like her but mine stems from mental illness I’ve had from a young age. Not saying it might be the same but there is always a possibility and sadly that kind of stuff doesn’t really come up until the child is older. I just found out within the last 5 years about me
Here’s another good read about people pleasing and bullying… hope some of this helps
https://www.verywellfamily.com/people-pleasing-contributes-bullying-460646
Sign her up for karate or something like that. Something that instills confidence and teaches self discipline and self defensive safety. And teach her about the love of Jesus Christ and that He will always love her and stand up for her.
No advice will help at times… alot of kids do it to be liked or have kids to play with… sadly its life these days… kids arent like us growing up… they have a whole new world to fit into unfortuntely
She has to learn how to keep her inner self protected and the power of No. Her true friends will value time spent with her and not her things.
She’s 8 give her time, she’s still finding herself. At 8 my daughter was the same, a little insecure, had social anxiety and wanted people to like her. (She was dealing with a lot of other stuff at that time too) Then the sass started coming out around 9 0r 10. She’s 12 now and my gosh she is a fire cracker. Just keep reassuring her she is her own person, that not everyone who smiles at her is her friend and keep that mother daughter bond her safe place to tell you everything. As for the mention of adults taking advantage of her, that’s something you need to instill, when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Raising girls is so much fun.
My daughter is the same way. She tries to be everyone’s friend, and make sure nobody feels left out. She will give give give. There are some kids that pick on her for it. I finally had enough and told her to tell those kids to fuck off. She did, I got a phone call, and once she got home she got ice cream. Now she has no problem telling kids to kick rocks when they’re being jerks. Might not have been the best way to handle it, but oh well
Similar problems with my daughter. I emrolled her in horse lessons and she is more confident now than I was at her age. It has done wonders for her!!
Sounds like she may very well be an empath.
If that is the case, it’s very important that you understand what’s going on with her…so that she can understand.
Unfortunately from my experience, it’s something they have to learn on their own. She clearly isn’t a loud outspoken girl, which is perfectly fine. She just needs to learn how to take care of herself in her own quiet way 
Your daughter is going to have to learn on her own that not everyone has the same heart as she does. Just love her as she is and eventually she will find her voice. My 18 year old has my mouth and I wish he didn’t sometimes even though I know he won’t ever be someone’s door mat. There are pros and cons to each personality
Show her how to set boundaries, use her voice. She can say no at varying degrees, could ask some other trusted adults to participate in the exercise(only where she gets to say no and they back away-varying degrees of force for her)
Remind her that her voice is heard, she doesn’t have to be loud! She can convey in her own comfort with some guidance xoxo mama, all my love and strength for this one:fist:t3:
I read somewhere today that we should be telling our kids that we’re proud of them but also asking them if they are proud of themselves. Builds self confidence if we are proud of who we are and not just looking for validation from others
EVERYDAY have her repeat affirmations. It’s a lot different when someone tells your beautiful compared to telling yourself I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am smart. And have a discussion with her letting her know that she will find people who are her real friends. That those girls are not nice and nobody should ask for things that are yours. Practice scenarios with her about teaching her no.
My girl is the same way. Big heart. Literally give you the shoes off her feet. (Which she has done).
Honestly I see this with my kids not necessarily the inability to say no but my oldest will try so hard to make friends to no avail… and it breaks my heart to watch… I’m not sure what I can do to remedy this she’s awkward like her momma and to be honest I don’t actually have any friends 
to which I’m okay with mind you I’ve gotten used to it… but I don’t want that lifestyle for my babies I wish I could be of help but I feel like I’m failing my girls…
I was her growing up. Eventually, I just said screw people. It’s their problem if they didn’t like me. The only thing I was worried about was my horses.
You have to verbalize your boundaries around her. Have your boyfriend/husband/friends/family do the same. Make it clear to everyone that you are teaching her and to allow “stricter vocals”.
When something happens that you don’t like instead of saying no, say “no, that is pushing -whatever limit- and I don’t appreciate it”.
She will see others doing it and grow to do it herself. It is something she has to learn on her own, but seeing others that she loves do it will help her.
Let her start with you. Let her set her own goals and expectations instead of thinking she has to satisfy someone else’s. Allow her to make mistakes and learn from them and see that it’s ok because everyone makes mistakes and if they weren’t they’d be “on purposes”. Behind every single success story is a colossal failure/mistake story. That’s how we learn.
Look around the local elementary school at the projects. How many are done by the students vs how many are done with “help” because the child’s work was insufficient? 
I always like the ones that were obviously done by the student and those were the ones we paid attention to.
You tell your child to not they’ll do the opposite. I have an 11 yr old son. Just let her be but also speak to her on her level of understanding so she can understand. ( planting the seed) . Too me it seems she’s very empathetic
Parenting is very hard with no guide and direction without control. Which can be good or bad.
She’s a free spirit. Plant the seeds speak in a calming without control and over time she will learn from things that you wouldn’t of been able to control or keep her away from.
My daughter was like that also. We put her in Jiu jitsu and it really boosted her self confidence and not taking crap from other kids. Plus she loved it also
My daughter is the same. Luckily she has a best friend that doesnt let other kids take advantage of her.
My daughter is the same
Just let her find herself. She will eventually stand up and get annoyed. She will fight her own battles. Let her find out what works for her. We as parents cant always engage. We can talk to out kids but we cant always be the one to fight battles. Kids need to find themselves. If that is their personality and its not bothering them, then so be it. Some kids love, care and like to share. just cuz u see wrong in it, there is something wrong with u.
Here for the comments… I’m 23 and have no confidence
She will come out of the shell eventually
Does she have a hobby ? A sport? Drama? Something she likes and can boost her confidence
I was very much like her when I was younger. I grew out of it after I travelled, i lectured for 4 years & started working!
Enroll her for martial arts
Counseling can work with her on self confidence and esteem.
sounds like it’s probably just her personality. some people are more sensitive to displeasing people and will avoid it at all costs at their own expense. i’m one of those people lol. it’s something i’ve spent my entire adult life trying to balance. and at the end of the day i’m still a giver, but i’ve gotten a lot more selective about the people i surround myself with.
she’ll learn. just keep on reassuring her that she is allowed to set boundaries and say no. it may take her a while to find her happy medium but that’s okay. she’ll grow into a selfless AND strong woman.
Role play situations she might encounter with her. Shell be more confident practicing with you. Hopefully allowing her to be more comfortable saying how she truly feels in the moment.
Sports or dancing. Get her into something that challenges her while also building her confidence.
Enrol her in martial arts class.
Did my daughter a world of good.
My son was very much like this while he was enrolled ina public school who had kelso rules or choices something similar (the mascot is a frog) and he was taught that his words did more damage to hurt feelings of others and he wasn’t able to use those words to speak out against things. The premise of the instructions was basically to “meet a compromise” my son was one who takes everything he hears as a serious rule, he wants to follow rules and make people happy… he compromised to anyone and everything so much so that the other kids definitely took advantage of his kind heart.
Get her into some type of extracurricular activity. A sport or some type of group. Kids with similar interests might help bring her out of her shell a little bit
My twelve year old granddaughter has the same issues now she has gone to high school
Just give them lots of love and time with you making them feel important
Time hopefully will help
I found the most powerful meme that explains this. But it won’t let me post it. If I can find this again tomorrow I’ll type it out
I believe a lot of it is “everyone’s your friend” they do that in school now, at daycare and even Summer camp to my kid. I tell her daily they are NOT all your friends. She’ll be like my friend hit me today. What’s that teaching kids? They all deserve a level of respect being peers and class mates but they are all not your friends. You need 1 or 2 good ones. That’s what I’m trying to instill in her
My daughter was exactly like yours she will be 13 in September and now she stands up for herself. Tell her it’s one thing to be nice to people but another to let people walk over her. Sometimes it’s okay to say no. And if her friends dont like it then they really aren’t her friends.
Remind her that, real friends will still like her even if she says no, or stands up for herself. Teach her about healthy relationships. Social stories, that build confidence, and what being a friend truly means. Maybe you could bring it up to the school counsellor and they can help facilitate good healthy friendships or even let the teacher know you are noticing these things and hopefully she can help foster this some way in the class as well. Give her opportunity for leadership roles! Giving her a safe place to practice using her voice. Maybe she gets to plan an entire day out with the family, her choices her ideas. Just a few ideas off the too of my head!
I’ve signed my daughter up for jiu jitsu and it has helped helped her tremendously with those issues. It didn’t happen over night and it’s still a work in progress but I can tell a huge difference in her.
She might just be a naturally introverted person, nothing wrong with that. I was the same way as a child and as an adult im still very quiet and keep to myself. But I’ve learned to speak up for myself and others over the years. She will too
Show her how. Be the best example, talk to her, let her know that she can and will make the right kind of friends by being herself and not allowing others to take advantage of her. It is a hard thing to distinguish at that age but be strong and encourage her to know her worth as you are and she will hopefully see for herself the right friends will stay even if she says no.
Just because your daughter is not like you does not mean what she does is wrong or that she is weak or that she feels taken advantage of sometime the child will see its not worth the fight when there are other toys to play with. Just because you feel that way does not mean that is her feelings. You need to make sure you do not project your feelings on to her. Being told how smart and beautiful she is does not promote self esteem because those are not achievements those are just opinions. Instead f focus on how hard she works and how caring she is with the wow you must have really worked hard to achieve that. or wow you are so kind and point out that sometimes you do not feel as kind as you see her being and how you like how she see good in people and that she like others seeing she is a good person. Just because she does not do what you do, does not mean its a bad or wrong it also does not mean things will happen to her or that she wont know how to set boundaries with her body your projecting big issues on a 8 year old out of your own fear. people do not need to be sassy, outspoken or willing to fight when ever needed, to not be walked on. It sounds like your daughter really cares about people and is a peace keeper. Our world needs more of them.
There are lots of activities you can do to boost self esteem. You could even have activities around what being a friend means, what traits real friends may have, etc.
I always tell my daughter to stand up for herself and speak until she’s heard
When you have time, look into the enneagram. I’m a type two and you’re describing me as a child. I’m just now getting to where I’m more comfortable standing up for my own needs and I’m 28🥴
Start now and tell her that No is a complete sentence. Everyday. Tell her, make her repeat it. “No is a complete sentence.”
My daughter was about the same age when she went through what you are describing. My husband and I are very outspoken so we didn’t understand. We decided to enroll her in karate, in a matter of about a year she found her voice and no longer allowed others to take advantage of her kindness. The discipline and self confidence she learned has gone along way.
I tell my girls every week about their treasure meaning their bodies instill in your baby that she can share her materialistic items but never let anyone take advantage of her when she says ok give it back then they need to adhere to what she is saying…
Get her involved in karate or some activity that will give her the edge of knowing that she is a leader not a follower. Best of luck!
I’ve heard that some karate taekwondo classes like that converter self-esteem you could look into something along that order
Following…my oldest is the same way
I have a 17 year old who is learning about her voice and confidence. She after watching my 6 yr old in Karate decided she wanted to try it out. She had been in it for almost a year and with the hard work has just received her first colored belt. Maybe try her out in something like that, which focuses on individual growth?
Enroll her in acting classes.
Let her take taekwondo or karate classes it surely makes people confident n discipline as well
My granddaughter is picked on by bully kids at school and she just turned 9 - don’t other parents recognize their kids personalities and reign them in. Too many bullies
Did she experience anything kid traumatic where someone made her feel that way? It could be something tiny that is overlooked, and just festered…
Take her to any self defense class. It helped my daughter.
My daughter is the same way. Kids even physically hurt her and she says it’s ok. Because she just wants so bad. It breaks my heart
Role play and tell her not everyone is going to like her. She has to keep being herself and the right ones will be attracted to her, and those will be her true friends. All my kids had this problem.
Tell her the truth. People who like you, will like you for you, not for what you can give them. Because there will come a day when they ask you for something you cannot give or do. So say no, the folks who like you are the ones who truly want to be a friend.
She is 8. She has her own personality and she needs a sport or her own activity that she can build her confidence in. Maybe art classes or piano, martial arts, something of interest to her. Give her time. She is so young
I was and still am the same way and her. I put other before myself always. Still do honestly, now just with my kids more than anything. My best friend (whom I met when we were about 11) and my husband (met I. High school) have been the ones that have made me more confident in myself. Don’t make her feel like she’s doing wrong by being so nice, but also help her to understand boundaries and that there are differences in being nice to someone and letting someone take advantage of you.
Horse lessons builds confidence also. My granddaughter is doing excellent and we can see her confidence
Same with my 7 year old daughter. She’s very coy and timid around other kids, but with me her mum? Oh she takes me down in a fight easily.
My now 11 1/2 yr old is the same way. It breaks my heart. Definitely look for an activity she can join, where they’re on the same team and work together. Mine did Drama, and came out of her shell a lot and gained some confidence.
Teach her to set boundaries. It starts at home by giving her choices. Some people are naturally more submissive, and would prefer to make others happy over themselves (hi, I can introduce myself here haha). Just be sure you give her a voice any chance you get (from picking clothes, to picking meals, etc.) and then checking in with feelings, and discussing ways to say no nicely (no thank you, not today, maybe later, I don’t feel like it today). And then also, remind her there are no secrets between you and her and if someone wants her to keep a secret from you, that person isn’t a good person and she needs to tell you about it.
Getting hurt ,usually helps us figure it out. Dont do anything, I think shes going to naturally figure it out. While finding out she may only have one good friend. Love and logic , let her make her own mistakes. This is how we learn. When shes in High school she wont have this to deal with . It was concurred in elementary school 
, by her.
Encourage healthy hobbies- I know a few kids who gained a lot of self confidence by working with animals. It’s totally ok to be an introvert, but you want her to be able to say NO when she wants something to stop.
Sometimes an amazing kid,makes others feel not so amazing, of course she doesn’t do this , it’s just how others react.
It isn’t anything you’ve done. Or really can do. We’re not always just like our parents some kids, are naturally like that. Shy, soft spoken. Introvert. Etc. Just the kind of person she is. Some grow out of it, some don’t. And, honestly, a parent can tell their child EVERY SINGLE DAY that they’re amazing, beautiful/handsome and everything else. But, sometimes, to a child, you’re just a parent. To them, you have to say that. Regardless of who they are. They believe it’s your job. So not always will they believe you. But, when it comes to the other part, about adults. Talk to her. About boundaries. Saying no. Adults NEVER asking you to keep a secret from anyone or other adults. No matter who they are. That she can always talk to you and tell you anything. About her body, being her body. And NO ONE should touch it. In any unwanted way. Unless something’s wrong and it’s a doctor, and you’re present. And for the other, to maybe get her out of her shell. Get her involved in things. Like karate or something. That’ll teach her to defend herself, and maybe help bring her out of her shell possibly.
Idk sounds like the other kids r the ones who need to change not her. She sounds like an empath. Encourage her to find the right places to be her natural giving self. My daughter is 5 and I always laugh at those sayings “if someone hits you hit them back” yaaaa lol my kid is a total and complete empath and she doesn’t “fight back” she just is who she is. I just teach her to follow her intuition. We already know good vs bad ppl and if shes empath don’t encourage her to be leary of evil…encourage her to look for those like her and follow her intuition. Believe, were going to need a world like your daughter and mine as they turn to adults. We don’t need to teach any child to be more aggressive or assertive. They r who they r. Teach them to embrace their natural selves and allow them to grow into the indigo children they naturally are
Ju Jitsu builds confidence and self esteem as do most Martial Arts Classes. Worth thinking about 
Awww… there could be worse things Ma. She’s just a good egg.