How can I stop fighting with my husband over our step son?

I'm a mother of 3 adult children a grandmother to 5 . And a step mom to 11 yr old. My husband and I fight a lot over his son. I try very hard to have patience. My husband is extremely defensive of his son. If I say anything there comes excuses or shoving the blame on someone else. Mainly is older half siblings. I still have yet to meet his mom. It's been two years of me taking care of him!!!! She tells people I don't take care of him when he's with us. He lies steals and is disrespectful to adults. I can't even take him to my families house because his behaviors . I'm getting super aggravated because he pisses on everything. He's a bed wetter. But leaves his clothes and soiled linens on floor.

Please don’t be rude. Need advice.

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Your husband really needs to have your back. He’s 11 and is way past the age of it being acceptable to pee on things and leave them wherever, how disgusting. I understand his dad wanting to protect him but he needs to look at you as a mother figure to his son. He needs to take your advice, and use it. My husband has 3 kids from a past relationships. I’m really only close with 1, but no matter what my husband will take my side when it comes to discipline. Their mother is… not the greatest so my husband really looks to me to be a team to help guide them & I’m grateful he’s like that. He takes my opinion and uses it how he thinks is best, if we disagree we both each say our side of things and figure it out. Being a stepparent is hard but in the end you’re in his sons life as an adult figure and he just needs to respect that. Your husband needs to step up and stop blaming others to protect him. You guys will have a long hard time with him in life if he thinks the way he acts is acceptable.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I stop fighting with my husband over our step son?

Counseling for all especially the 11 year old. Something is going on and needs to looked into

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And this is why i never went out with a man with kids, especially since my kids were grown & out of the house

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Freaking run!! Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction of them if you want to have any sanity or piece of mind! If dad can’t step up then I’d :100: step out of the whole situation!!

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Y’all all need therapy. You talking about his behavior sounds resentful. He needs some guidance and dad isn’t helping apparently.

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WOW…I have no clue or advice on this….and you’re already married to the dad or I would say to try again………

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For an 11 year old the bed wetting sounds concerning to me but im not a professional. Have you or dad or mom tried reaching out for professional help. Why haven’t you meet his mother ? Sounds like dad has alot of stepping up to do. Don’t make yourself miserable over it. Talk to dad when there’s issues. And in the long run is this something you wanna deal ?

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Wait you are married to his dad and take care of him when he’s at your house but you’ve NEVER met his mom??? Why is that???

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Defintley some counseling and some tough love.heavy on the love.

How old is he? I went through that. Its a loosing battle. They will protect them till they die. Your going to have to kill him with kindness, no matter what and win him over that way. Put him on every prayer list that you can find.

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It’s a package deal. You can always leave if you don’t like the package. I highly doubt it’s as black and white as you’re trying to make it sound.

and if the kid has problems this makes your reaction even worse maybe a mixed family isn’t for you.

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I’ll say from my experience… you guys may not ever stop fighting over him and the things he does. I’m with a man who thinks the sun shines out of his son but in reality he’s far from being a saint and everyone sees it but him. My situation again in 8 years hasn’t changed and never will and we fight all the time over it . (The boy is now 19 and still lives with us and he’s doing basically nothing with his life…). People might judge me for this but I had to nacho that boy. Nacho kid nacho problem. Leave his messes for his dad to clean up and enforce he cleans up after his son. Maybe his father will open his eyes to the things he does that drive you nuts… and if it doesn’t change you should ask yourself if you really want to live like that.
This is only an opinion… and please keep that in mind. Anyone who hasn’t been in a situation like this will never understand it. I could even be totally wrong and maybe the kid needs some therapy and isn’t handling his parents split that well and this is him retaliating Anyways I’m sorry your going thru this. It’s not easy. :hugs:

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11 years old and still pissing the bed. There should be no excuses. He does what he does cause his father makes excuse and don’t do nothing about it

11 and his mum and dad havnt sorted bed wetting? That’s where you will get on his level! Help him don’t get mad with him.

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Tell dad he’s responsible for cleaning it up and the laundry as well….

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I would first meet the mom! In 2 years why haven’t you met her yet? Had it been my child… best belive I be meeting the other woman! And then I would get all 4 of us in counseling together! And him in 1 on 1 therapy! I’m just blows my mind that you have not met his mother!

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You need to meet mom ASAP. And involve a counselor
When 11 year olds pee it’s a symptom of an underlying issue
You and mom should talk and refer him to therapy ASAP

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I don’t have advice for you. As I am going through something similar. Was with someone 8 years. His kids never did wrong. Always had excuses for everything. Never got disciplined.
We been living separately the past 2 years to try to work on things. His kids are 14 & 15 now and got caught vaping in my kids room. So now they aren’t allowed here. And mainly because their dad tries to be their friend before their parent. But the same rules apply to them as everyone else. If they can’t respect me and my house then they can’t come here.
So sorry I don’t have advice but best of luck to ya. Hope ya get some advice :slight_smile:

In the case of his enuresis, you should rule out medical concerns and then explore psychological concerns.

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I think u should leave. U are clearly to old to be parenting. U should be enjoying your grandbabies. And not stressing. Find you a new men and go on vacation :muscle:t5::blush:

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My deceased husband and I only fought ever because of his son . My husband made excuses for him
lying stealing breaking into cars etc as a young teen . He got caught and the judge became my friend. I turned my stepson every time he did something. Judge court ordered my husband for a psychological evaluation along with parenting classes. I was the one who enforced rules and consequences. My stepson is now 40 he was 8 when his Dad snd I met . He has thanked me for being a good mother . He has turned to me for everything since becoming a adult . He had not one bit of respect for his Dad . This boy has issues. My stepson had issues. He got the mental help he needed . He was abused and molested under his mothers care . My husband got him at 5. Badly damaged kid . Might want to get the boy some help

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An 11 year old boy wetting the bed is very concerning. This young man needs so serious support. If dad isn’t going to make things better get out. You have raised kids already you deserve peace.

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I think his problems start at his house not yours.

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If he is wetting the bed it sounds like something is wrong. He is probably having a hard time with things going on and his parent’s divorce. He needs therapy and if you want your marriage to work you could benefit from couples counseling.

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That behavior sounds like my youngest, who has ADHD. The peeing and all.

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Kids act up in various ways when there is something wrong. You mentioned that you have adult kids and grandchildren and that you trying very hard to be patient with your step son. Maybe there needs to be some introspection on your part, perhaps you are done with raising kids and not as patient as you think you are. Then there may be some other tension that you haven’t met the mother and she’s bad mouthing you and that’s adding to your resentment and you are directing it to that child because your husband has not properly introduced you to the mother of his child, and yet you feel like they expect you to look after this child.

Kids don’t choose their parents or step parents for that matter, looks like this child is being blamed for things he has no control over.

Get him some help and decide for yourself if this is the life you really want, because the father and the child are a package deal and the mother well she will always be part of that deal.

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So as a parent who had a troubled child my first piece of advice is go to the doctor regarding bed wetting, this is a huge concern for a child of his age. Second have him tested for any mental health issues. Some of this behavior could be due to his parents being apart and dad having someone else. I also suggest counseling for the child and parents (possibly couples counseling as well so you and your partner can get through these issues as a unit). My child was diagnosed with ADHD as a young boy and as he got older there were behavioral issues and we were told he had ODD as well (he’s also border line bipolar). Never let any diagnosis be an excuse for behavior. Sit him down and let him know that while you love him and want what’s best for him some things need to change. Let him know I expect you to behave appropriately or else the consequence will be xxx. Then follow through. Let dad be a part of this process and have him help you decide what those consequences will be (this way he is on board and understands when something happens this is the result). I hope things work out for you and your family.

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Blended families are hard… the fights never end. But if it’s worth it to you and your husband you will get through it.

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Divorce him don’t be stuck in a crappy situation that you don’t have to deal with and you have 7 more years to deal with it maybe longer

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Try making his dad clean and wash the sheets and peed in clothes. After awhile maybe he will see your side of things. Untill the dad sees things in the right light you are fighting yourself. You might need to think it over and see if the relationship is worth the frustration.

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Is this the “only” point of contention between you and your husband? If not, and only if your husband refuses to ever be on your side, then weigh your options to get out of the marriage or consider it as a temporary issue until the boy is old enough to live on his own. He is undoubtedly going to fight you on getting therapy if he already doesn’t listen nor respect you fully. Try to be more a friend than a mom and let that settle into your relationship with him while still having boundaries as his stepmother. He should be respectful to you, but mine at that age was not either, fully, and would mischievously find ways to make me look badly while my husband takes his side. It was close to a nightmare. I finally got footing as he got older. By 14/15, he started coming into his own as a good person. But it takes a ton and s half of patience for a step parent and unfortunately it’s not always obvious what’s the matter to the biological parent who is already fighting to stay on the good side as it is, but sometimes they fail miserably and the step has to (read NEEDS TO/MUST) step in as this is still a minor in need of important boundaries. Test after test, you need to remain patient knowing they need these boundaries and they actually do start to listen eventually. Mine is 17 now and honors everything. Stay strong, and you need to have your own life with friends and outlets/interests in order to stay patient, positive, and whole.Also, it’s a must you both find ways to tell him you love him regardless how much he detracts from it. He needs someone to see right through his actions and see him as a person looking for someone to understand the real him underneath the attitudes. He’s still to young to grasp what we take for granted as common sense. Try to be as caring and thoughtful as possible without becoming a doormat, though at times you may feel that way. It’s not permanent. I highly recommend you read/Audiobook these two books which helped me turn things around: “Running on Empty” and “Running on Empty No More”. It’s written with a lot of sensitivity to everyone. It has impactful and insightful information to help navigate through our journeys as individuals, partners, spouses, children, and parents.

Nacho the situation. Not your monkeys not your circus. If I’ve learned anything being a step parent, you can’t care or do more than the actual parents do. If they don’t want to handle it then that’s on them.

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Probably need to get the kid in counseling. He’s probably having major issues due to his mom basically abandoning him. Went through a lot of this with my SS who is now 10. He’s one of the few cases who has actually gotten better.

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Divorce, you deserve better, like respect.

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You need to start with you and your husband seeing a counselor to begin with so you can get on the same page with how to deal with the kid. Your relationship is doomed otherwise. And if he can’t get on board with you, if it were me… I’d leave.

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That’s the hard part about being a stepparent. We’re told to treat them as our own, but only for the good stuff. When it comes to the bad stuff, were told we aren’t the parent and that we’re overstepping.
Check out Nacho Kids: The Blended Family Lifesaver.

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Tell him his boy needs counseling and fast or be prepared to move on

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Let the kid continue with the behavior amd let dad know its his responsibility to deal with it. Especially washing the bed sheets and his clothes. Watch how fast he changes his tune. Stand your ground.

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You sound so bitter!!! its not like hes doing it on purpose
Clearly hes struggling I so hope he gets the help he clearly needs

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Just stop ! You will not win the war . It’s hard as a step parent . Have his dad clean up after him .

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It sounds like this little boy needs some counseling. Possibly suffering from trauma from his parents split.
Family counseling for all of you could also clear up some misunderstandings and help hubby to see from your perspective as well

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Bed wetting at 11 as well as the deviant behaviors scream something much deeper than a behavioral deficit. I’d look into ADD or ADHD. Only saying because when I came into my husbands life, his son was the same way, he has ADHD and he was super defensive as well. Being a stepparent isn’t easy but I also don’t think that that nacho method in this situation will help. I stopped going to my husband and became better to my stepson. I urge him to communicate how he feels, and love him unconditionally. It’s been two years. He just turned 12 and had it not been for my approach we’d be in the same situation. A little kindness and compassion goes a long way. He’s a totally different person who comes to me with issues instead of letting them build. I’m damn proud, and so is his father. He went from defensive to being on the same page. I wish you the best of luck.

Being a step parent is just hard! I remarried. He had 4 kids. I had 2. 6 months after we married we suddenly got full custody of his 4. It changed everything. 6 kids is a lot. I stayed for 8 years. 8 years too long. Never should have married him.

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Well I can guarantee there’s a reason the Husband hasn’t introduced you to the child’s Mother. A Step Parents role is to SUPPORT the parent NOT take over ALL the Parenting duties. That is so often the case, Try backing off and demanding HE Parent his child. It’s just as much DADS RESPONSIBILITY to address and do his due diligence to correct his child’s bed wetting issues. If You have to STEP UP that much, it’s because DAD has sat his ass DOWN! Nope, Try addressing the REAL issues here, DADS lack of participation in Parenting HIS CHILD.

First you need to have a calm but frank conversation with your husband about his son and your concerns. You need a plan of action. This situation will not resolve itself. Start gathering information. Start with his school. His teachers and guidance counselors are usually a wealth of information. It will also indicate you are aware of problems and willing to address them. Let them know going forward to contact you/your husband if problems arise. It is imperative you contact his doctor for a consult. At this pount I the Dr. is aware for the need for counseling or testing for ADHD, ADD etc… The Dr. will be able to evaluate or recommend professionals to help this child.

Hes just a kid and clearly if hes wetting the bed hes having some issues. He probably needs some family therapy and some kindness. Poor kid

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Hell I’m trying to figure out why a woman with grown kids AND grandkids would want to start over parenting another child. :woman_shrugging:t4: I mean did you think it was going to be easy?:thinking: You have 2 options: 1) You can stay married and deal with it or 2) You can leave. FYI, if he’s wetting the bed, there’s probably an underlying issue.

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Uhm if he’s bed wetting at 11 that’s a huge red flag of abuse.

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Wetting the bed at 11 is mot normal. Along with the other issues you’ve described, I’d get him medical help immediately

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It’s strange that you haven’t met her. I’d start there

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Autism … look into this.

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He’s 11 and peeing and bed wetting? Seems like some kinda problem is going on

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I would say some professional help is very much needed… For all… Start with the school… But the dad needs to get on board and be an actual parent… And if you are not allowed to parent a child living in your house than maybe you are in the wrong place…

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Ignore the behavior. Pray for him and out loud. I had a hard time with one of mine. Take him by the hand and pray. Tell Satan to get thee behind you. Tell the demons to flee from this boy now in the mighty name of Jesus…Amen. it is a demon attaching themselves to individuals. It is a real thing.

Ooof y’all need to start communicating other wise it’s just gonna get more ugly. Good luck to you

As a bed wetting parent your attitude while understandable isn’t going to make that better. Diabetes could be in play as well as sleep apnea. My child simply didn’t rest enough and as soon as we got off the couch and starting doing things to make him tired he would go to sleep much easier and sleep lighter where he would wake up to use the bathroom. I get it he’s 11 but you’ve got to try a different approach at that aspect

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Get that poor kid some help! Take him to the doctor’s about his bed wetting, even if you have to go behind your husband’s back and pay out of pocket. Could be a medical problem, could be caused by abuse, could be his only way of feeling in control of something and punishing the adults in his life. That’s probably a lot of why he’s out of control. Show doctor’s advice to hubs.

Ask hubs if he had the same problem with bed wetting. Could be he did, felt humiliated, and gives the kid a pass on everything because he remembers how bad it felt.

Ask his teachers how he acts in school/online for any insights, and see if a school counselor can meet with him in person or online.

Next get the kid psychological help. He needs an outlet as it appears dad doesn’t care to be a parent, and there are probably some deep-seated resentments and self-loathing going on. Nip this in the bud before puberty sets in. Again, you may just have to take the initiative. Maybe you can meet with one or more child psychologists to talk about your concerns, then bring your hubs to talk to her/him about what’s going on and what y’all should do.

Then family counseling for all of you. Maybe the counselor can wrangle why the secrecy about the boy’s mom.

Look up the mom online to see what you can find out about her. Ask hubs’ friends/family what’s going on. If you can elicit any contact information about her, get in touch with her yourself.

Tell hubs he’s not doing his kid any favors and gets the kid help now or you will report him to CPS for neglect and abuse and/or divorce him. (Don’t really call CPS until you research what they would/wouldn’t do in the situation; it could turn out badly for everyone.) Have reliable medical/psychological information about kids in his son’s situation to back you up and tell him to read it while you watch. Tell him to think about what you said and let him know you will reconvene in two days to talk about it.

Sounds like all the adults in this kid’s life have failed him. Where does dad go to drop off the boy when he visits his mom?

In the meantime, use mattress protectors, have the kid wear diapers (only at night if it’s a nighttime problem), make him do his own laundry or at least help.

Spend some one-on-one time with stepson to help you figure out what’s going on with him. Does he have any outside interests? He needs something he can be proud of and where he can have fun, whether it’s a sport, the arts, music, scouting, 4-H, a religious institution, etc. where he can make friends and feel included/part of a team. Having other kids at your house or having him spend time at other kids’ houses (after you make sure it’s safe) will expand his horizons and see how other kids help out.

Don’t abandon this child to a miserable future, and get him the help he needs with or without his bio parents’ permission. Don’t let him be a “throwaway” kid if at all possible.

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Uhmmm there a bundle

Also, give a note to the boy to take to his mom asking her to contact you. He may throw it away, but it’s a shot.

Get his sugar checked for the bed wetting

It’s his dads responsibility to change his pee sheets and pick up after him

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Been there. Not for everyone.

Dad need a whoopin if he thinks this is ok

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He’s a child. He’s struggling. He needs put into therapy. Poor kid. :frowning:

This is why custody situations are so hard.

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You are a grandma? You need a break! Time for husband to take over, you’ve done your duty! You need extra help or say good-bye !! You didn’t make this problem, husband did!

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This is just sad all the way around
He’s been abandoned by his mother along with who knows what other issues that are causing the bed wetting and bad behavior
He is SCREAMING for help

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Peeing the bed at the age is almost exclusively a sign of either trauma or physical malady. Kid needs a therapist and doctor ASAP.

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Sounds like professional medical intervention is necessary. At that age, there might have been a trauma that is causing the bedwetting. (Divorce is a major trauma.)

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As long as his Dad refuses to own being a parent & the responsibility of such you’re banging your head against a block wall. Try to get “DAD” to take child to therapy. I dealt with very similar situation, it was a nightmare. I had 1 control that worked, the boy loved my 4wheeler. He would follow rules to ride. Then his dad bought him his own, child never even finished school. Best of luck.:pray:

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Run don’t walk but run. Things only get worse

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Make his dad clean his bed up and cloths

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If he is 11 years old and wetting the bed you have serious issues :eyes::grimacing: that’s a direct sign of abuse

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I would definitely suggest a doctor for any underlying health issues. Aside from trauma, the bed wetting could be because of many medical issues (infections, diabetes ect) and also a therapist sounds like it would a lot of good for his behavior. I’m sure if you guys are constantly fighting about him, he knows and that could definitely be a factor.

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Doesn’t it suck when you haven’t got a say yet its your house and I believe your the one doing everything and yet his mother who doesn’t have him full time still has a say and his father lets things ride
Oh fuck that id be telling his mother go get F and as for his useless father see ya …

-My 12 year old occasionally wets the bed still and I took him to be checked out several times. At first they told me it was normal even for his age because he does have night terrors and sleeps hard when he finally gets to sleep (insomnia from not wanting to sleep and see the nightmares). I got a second opinion who did an x-ray of his abdomen and found he wasn’t emptying his bowls so he was impacted which pushes on the bladder. So he had to do a round of laxatives to clean him our and then drink extra fiber. Definitely check into impaction.
-Find out WHY the child’s mother doesn’t want or push to meet you. That’s weird. I’d 100% need to have some type of knowledge of whoever is caring for my child.
-Men don’t think or react to things the same way women do. So what’s irritating or important to you, might not be to him. The issue is that he refuses to acknowledge things that are upsetting you and isn’t disciplining his child and seems unhappy with what you do. There’s no ‘winning’ that situation. It confuses the kid and makes them act out even more.

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Send the kid to his mother. Let her take care of him. It is time for you to relax and play with and take care of your grandkids.

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Stop taking care of him. His father can do it. :woman_shrugging:

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Make his dad do the care for him including the laundry. Step out have dad step up. Maybe he will see more of the problems if you are just a shadow in his son’s life.

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Look into the Nacho Method. Take a big step back and allow DH to parent his child, SS11 is not your responsibility. Here’s a challenge, don’t say one more negative thing about SS to DH. Tell DH you respect however he chooses to raise his son. DH is now in charge of :100: of everything to do with SS. By not throwing in your 2 cents DH won’t feel defensive and by giving all the responsibility back to DH the stress will melt off your shoulders. DH should be cleaning up after SS or teaching him to do it himself. Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

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Put an adult diaper on him at night and restrict him to one and only one bed. You pee on it at 11 you can clean it up. You want to go with me behave yourself or get left behind next time

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I’d be making that kid clean his own piss mess at that age with out a doubt but it should also be addressed medically whether it’s something wrong mentally or physically it needs addressed

That’s definitely not normal behavior for an 11 yr old boy. The kid needs therapy and the fact that his dad is trying to validate that behavior is very damaging. my thoughts and prayers are with you BC I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were in that situation.

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He needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist and a doctor sounds like there’s definitely some underlying issues if hes still wetting the bed at 12 And acting out that way

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He needs professional help and you also can be a role model for him .it’s very sad all the way around

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Live in separate houses

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Bed wetting is very embarrassing and may not comprehend fully how to deal with it.
You need to meet his mom. A supportive connection is needed in place for the benefit if the boy. He may feel like he’s lost in 2 diff worlds between his mom and you n his dad. That could he why disrespectful

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I feel for you honey. When his father defends him he is enabling his son to be a liar and a thief. Maybe you should cut your losses now.

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Wow ! The end of your post says a lot !

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My youngest daughter was a bed wetter til 1 day i bought a new mattress n left the plastic wrap on it n she never wet the bed again. Odd but true

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I stop fighting with my husband over our step son?

I have to say, being a stepmother is one of the hardest tasks… love and light your way!

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Saying this with all love and no judgment, I think something needs to be looked at in regards to the child. Behavioral issues and bed wetting at this age may be an indicator of some sort of abuse going on if he is developmentally at target age.

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Poor kid. These are quite often behaviors associated with trauma. Love on him. Make him absolutely believe he is in a safe a loving home. Take him to get some help and who cares if you haven’t met bio mum. She doesn’t sound like she’d be much help anyway.

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I understand dealing with the way he acts is hard and i am a step mom as well and the boy need help cause something isnt right and because of tge way it sounds like the mother is maybe the dad feels bad and feel like he is all he has which isnt a excuse but if you guys cant work together on getting that boy help its not going to get better and if you knew of these problem before you got married then it should have been consider because no you shouldnt have to put up with that but it is his kid and some times kids dont know how to ask for help it sounds like he needs all tge love he can get

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Bed wetting isn’t “pissing on everything.”

You can’t punish a child into not bed wetting. It will do the opposite.

Imagine if someone punished and screamed at you for peeing when you cough, after having a baby.

It’s normal for bed wetting to occur and if you have a neurodivergent child, it can take several years for the body to mature. He could also be a heavy sleeper.

Is he hiding soiled sheets on the floor because he fears punishment?

A simple, “let’s get you in a warm bath/shower so you’re feeling better. Throw your clothes/ bedding in the laundry. Here’s an awesome enzyme spray to use on the mattress. It’s ok. Wetting the bed happens. It’s no big deal. Let’s get you dry and comfortable.”

Behavior is a form of communication. Play therapy may be helpful to help get to the root emotions and fears behind it.

Having more positive, one on one time would be beneficial, too.

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If he wets the bed he is going through trauma. Iam sure he is embarrassed enough at that age wetting the bed. Please be patient with him. You and your Husband need to be on the same page. Maybe try counselling.

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Well, I’ve read alot of these companies and needless to say everyone is talking about WETTING BED how about his other behaviours which are far worse than pissing the bed stealing n lashing out is really what needs to be addressed sounds like he might be stealing for ATTENTION SEEKING now lashing out is what I’d say definitely defensive mode. Do you ever do anything with this child you did mention how ur kids where grown ups and you really wasn’t ready for a young kid again idk I’ve actually sit and thought about this. Then again his momma could be putting him up to all of this. Talk to your husband outta of the ears of the child about why he isn’t doing more to try to help him get the problem solved maybe you’d learn more about what’s going on. Good luck. Love this child too not just his father. Bonus kids deserve step parents whom love em as if there own kids. You could help this young man more than you kno you’ve got to b willing too give him a chance n yourself to kno one another better. Good luck

This is heartbreaking. I feel so bad for this little boy. She talks about him like he’s a dog. I hope he has someone, anyone, in his life that treats him right.

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