That is a tough situation, I’m sorry you guys had to go through that. As far as telling them, I’m not sure I would. I doubt it’s something that will get brought up now anyways but I would just let it go. When the time comes and they do find out, I would just tell them it was a hard decision but in the end you let her decide her name. She can always change it later on if she decides. I would suggest being ready for any type of reaction as I’m sure it’ll hurt them
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I tell my daughters fathers family that I've changed her last name? - Mamas Uncut
You should really speak with his family that might be the only connection they feel after the tragedy. Do they see your daughter, spend time with her. If the answer is yes you need to have a sit down. If not you owe them no explanation
I feel like you should have just added yours as well. Lots of ppl have 2 last names.
A name change doesn’t make your daughter in less their family I hope they will recognize that
Don’t ever feel bad for the choices you have made for your child you have given your child options and left the door open he made his choices when she was 6 months and if they don’t understand your child’s feelings that’s in them you did the right thing being a mother to this precious girl!
Sorry for your loss. I do not know what I would in this situation but I do think I would of said we will talk about this when you get older so she could can more understand. The last name was a remembrance of him and I think it would of been cool for her to have it. She would of been more understanding once she got older. I’m not saying you are right or wrong. Not at all. I mean if you have to tell his mom then just tell her. I mean you made the choice you thought would be best.
Good for you, she’s happy and your life is now easier when dealing with the schools and doctors. It’s just a name, she’s still related to them.
I changed my daughters last name to mine for different reasons, but in all honesty. A name is just a name, doesn’t change the fact he is still apart of her. You did what was right for your daughter & her mental health. Her grandmother may be hurt, but he still lives on in her. You did what you felt was right for your daughter.
No matter what any adult may feel about it. it’s more important on how the little girl feels. And as a mother all we want is for our kids to be happy and healthy
Hello- I’m sorry that she’s having to go through this and you too. I don’t know that you need to notify them of this. If it’s asked or discussed,you just explain it. Coming out and sharing without need I think is pointless
I have a hyphenated last name one is my dads and one is my moms. In school I had 1 name which is ok the school allowed it
Don’t feel guilty, you tell them that is what your daughter wanted,
I would of just added your name behind his name out of respect of her late father
Ouch I’m sure they will be upset and hurt over this. You should have just added your name never taken her late fathers from here.
It’s not about them. I’m sorry her dad passed but she’s here. She’s alive. If she wants her name to match and you are capable of doing that, do it. The grandmother will need to understand that name means nothing. She’s still blood
If u get any backlash from the paternal side u could always hyphenate the last names so she has both and it isn’t so alienating or as big an issue to her fathers side. That way she will still carry his last name along with yours. And tbch I think ur killing this parent thing! U took ur childs heartache & confusion and held it above others personal opinions and that is whats most important! Always putting ur children first is proof that ur an awesome mom & I pray that u & ur daughter find the answers ur looking for and can make this situation as positive as possible! Good luck momma!
Why tell her and hurt her more
Why not her father’s last name and yours as well?
You could hyphenate with your lost name and her dads. That’s what my daughter chose to do and I told her when and if she decides she wants to change it when she’s older she can. We changed it to her dad’s name when she was 18
You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty.A momma does what she needs to for her children.she tell them what you said here.
Personally I think you did the right thing. Your daughter was upset and wanted the same name as you and her brother. Thats perfectly natural
Id be upfront with grandma…your daughter is bound to tell her and its better coming from you first…the adults will just have to cope.
In our area, we were told a name change has to be announced publicly in our new paper for a period of time in our local newspaper, Incase any be wanted to contest it.
(I was surprised by this.)
Okay so heres the thing someday if she gets married she may wanna take her spouses name so in the future theres a big chance it wouldve changed anyway also you have to do whats good for your children no matter how anyone else feels and clearly this was a big deal for your little one. Honestly i wouldnt mention it unless they ask or your daughter tells them its not the end of the world its just a name
Why not just add your last name?
Your daughter feelings should be the most important thing to you.
Hyphenate it, shell have the best of both…mom and dad
Don’t tell them? What they don’t know won’t hurt them
In this situation, I think it would have been better to maybe hyphenate it. But what’s done is done. Just explain why you did what you did in simple terms. Let them know how it was affecting your child.
Alternately, get hubby to adopt her and change to his name
Tell her just like that! It was what SHE wanted.
I don’t want to sound cold but she does not know her bio dad. How is she supposed to feel the attachment to that name? She is a child and it is not her place to keep her grandmas heart intact by keeping a last name when she feels out of place because her siblings have different names.
And one day she will marry and have children and her name will change anyway
You have to do what is right for you, I understand this situation as my daughters father passed before I had her, she took my last name, but got her dads middle to have some part of him in her name, these are always challenging situations and you gotta do what’s in the best interest of your child
Hyphenating seams like a good compromise…but ultimately the grown up needs to understand the dads last name will never mean the same thing to the little girl as it does to grandma
Why did you add your name into his you didn’t have have take it away completely, harsh…
Doesn’t matter what that side of the family has to say.
It’s what your daughter wanted.
I kinda dealt with this too, my mom & my step dad (my real dad, the only dad I knew) had a different last name. And… I wanted to have their name. I didn’t, tho. Time just went on. But when I was younger it meant a lot to me.
As I grew up, it changed it anyways when I got married. So wouldn’t have mattered.
You did an amazing job by changing her name to yours. It’s what she wanted, her feelings matter the most.
Don’t let others make you feel bad for that decision.
My opinion you gave birth to her you can give her whatever name you want to. My boys have my last name and my daughter has her dad’s last name because it’s gonna change one say whenever she gets married
I want to start by saying how sad and difficult for a young child. You don’t need to feel guilty. As her Mama, you are doing what is best for her. I feel for his mom also, but you need to worry about your own daughter’s thoughts and confusion.
You coulda hyphenated it? At this point just don’t tell them.
Your daughter’s mental health is a priority and if you explain this to her grandma it might take some time but I’m sure she’ll make her peace with it.
This happened in my own family: niece wanted her step father’s name and she got it. I felt bad for the birth father, but the child’s comfort with this over rides family concerns.
I’m sorry, but you said her father took his own life and though I feel for his family, it does seem your daughter gets to bear the brundt of stigma, sometimes there are consequences for going through the self checkout line
Why are people trying to guilt her into “shoulda coulda woulda hyphenated it”?? What’s done is done. This child has to be at least pre school if not kindergarten right now and her father died when she was 6 months old. She has no recollection of his memory. The pain will always last for his mother well because it was her son!!! There’s a chance later down the line she might change it anyway if she ever marries! Children are often bullied in this day and age for every little thing!!! I was also bullied for having a different lady name than my sister (mine you we share a mom and dad) and even my half brother but it didn’t stop people from making jokes that our mother was a you know what etc etc etc. you don’t need to justify this decision to anyone! You did what your daughter wanted and that’s all that matters!!
Either hyphenate it or have your husband adopt her
- You aren’t obligated to tell them.
- No need to feel bad, you did this for your daughter. If/when she gets married, she will most likely change it anyway.
- It’s not like you gave her your mate’s last name, you gave her yours.
This bothers my son too. His dad has never been around. In fact I was 13 and he was 18 if that gives an idea…. Well he has my last name and now I am married and have a daughter and pregnant again with my husband. My son wants his last name and wants my husband to adopt him but I have no clue how to go about this. His real dad has literally no rights and has not done ANYTHING at all for him in 11 years
It sounds like grandma is in her life. I probably would’ve hyphenated it or left dad’s last name as an additional middle name. I know a few people who hyphenated who use 1 of the names in school. What’s done is done. I don’t think you should tell grandma. When will grandma need to know her legal name anyway? She won’t be doing anything medical, educational, taxes etc. Just tell your daughter that grandma will use her by dad’s name on the rare occurrence she uses her last name & that’s ok.
My aunt was so insistent that I give my daughter her father’s name. He treated me like shit throughout my pg & labor. I decided last minute to give her my last name. My aunt always assumed so I left it that way to avoid her bring mad about something that’s none of her business. My daughter is 9. As far as I know she still thinks she has his name. It doesn’t affect us or her. She’s never had to use my daughter’s last name.
In this instance your child being settled is more important that a bunch of letters belonging to someone she doesn’t know.
I’m going through this with my oldest. He knew his dad up until he was 5 when he just walked out and stopped seeing him(I tried) fast foward to him being 8. He hates the fact that his step siblings, my infant daughter and next year my last name are all going to be the same except him. I told him once he turns 13 and can have a greater understanding of everything then he can change his name if he still wants to.
Don’t tell them. No reason you have to
Shoot, I wouldn’t say anything tbh.
Id just be honest and tell them that she was very confused and upset that her last name was different than yours. And that you as a family decided to change her name to the same as yours for her sake. And that if in the future she decides to change it back she can. But for now it is what she wanted and thats just why you changed it. If they can’t understand then it is their problem. She would be changing it in the future anyway when she gets married. Just makes the situation simpler for her.
You did the right thing…your child your choice, it will probably change again when she gets married anyway. It will make sense when she gets older. If she were a boy it would be different.
My son has a hyphenated last name but we only use my name when at school so people know he’s connected to his older brother who has my last name only. His teachers use both names on certificates but he only writes my name when he needs to use his name on something. But I fully understand why you changed it, maybe just explain exactly as you have done here, and as she gets older like you say, it becomes her choice, she may chose to use both. People may be hurt over it but at least they still have her and can see her father in her as she grows up. It’s a delicate situation to bring up but your child’s mental health is the most important
You are doing good mama. Do not feel bad for fixing your daughters broken heart. ID have done the samething
I would be very honest with them & they will hopefully be understanding about it because you did what was in the child’s best interest.
So you had 3 kids by 3 different men now your kids are confused and humiliated at school, but you think the problem is their names? Let’s stop this culture this society is going to crash and burn.
I havent read this but who cares its your kid you dont have to explain nothing to no one
You did what was best for your daughter, it doesn’t change the fact he’s her daughter, either don’t tell them because really they don’t use her last name when speaking to her or allow her to explain why she wanted it changed
Why even tell them? Just leave it.
I would just say that it’s been an ongoing issue how she wants to have the same name as you and her other sibling. So that’s what you are going to do and if she’s wants to change it back in the future she can. It’s not a big deal, it’s just a last name.
I mean the daughters dad’s side of the family can be upset all they want but what do they want? Do they want your daughter to cry and be miserable every day and hate her name just because they want to “keep their son alive” and I know that might sound really really harsh but this is a 6 year old little girl that doesn’t understand and just wants to fit in with her family. Her dads family needs to understand that changing her last name doesn’t erase them or her father from her life and there’s always a chance that she will want to change it back when she’s older and can understand. I think you did the right thing
Don’t tell them. And when it comes out pretend it’s been that way for years. That’s what I would do!
You did the right thing. Your child is more important than anyone else. Don’t feel guilty. Idk why people so often feel the need to make everyone else happy, especially when it comes to children. Idgaf what anyone thinks when it comes to my son. I do the best I possibly can and make sure he is happy, healthy, and loved. My child is my responsibility (and my husband’s). It’s no one else’s business. I don’t aim to please anyone but my husband and son. Period.
Not to be rude but it’s about the child not anyone else. I’m sorry she still devastated but if she loves your child she will think of her.
When it comes to a daughter I hate to say it but changing her last name doesn’t really matter because it changes anyways when she gets married if she does now if it was a boys I’d say you were wrong because I am the man in my family that can carry my last name and my lil man’s is the only boy in my family out of 4 boys that will carry my last name because all the other 3 have different last names then mines
Dude girls are ruthless an girls say men are bad dam
Why not hyphenate it…her name was part of her father’s legacy.
I wouldn’t have changed it. I would have explained to her that’s it’s special to her because it’s her daddy’s name and he’s no longer here.
Ok this is just absolutely RIDICULOUS. She’s what 5? In kindergarten? I do not for one minute believe that a 5 years old was so upset and crying and hurting for WEEKS over her last name. No 5 year old is that obsessed with a last name let alone understanding that they have a different last name from their 2 siblings, mom, and step dad. Hello. What? This sounds so awful for her dead dads family. You know my 3 kids have their dad’s last name. Nit mine. I never married him but we were together for 10 years had 3 kids and I wanted them to carry his name. He went to jail and prison. And was not in their lives for 7 years. Then when he got out he got married and changed his last name to his wife’s last name. I was really upset because he left 3 kids out here with a last name no one else carries. But my kids age 13, 12, and 8 couldn’t care less. They dont know him so they don’t care. They don’t think it’s strange that I have a different last name. My 5 year old from my current relationship has a different last name and she’s never said one thing or even noticed it.i think its a low blow to his family. A really low blow actually. It’s not unnecessary.
Just be honest. The reasoning is justifiable. They will understand, if not right now, someday.
something doesn’t seem right here. maybe it’s just me. but how old are these kids who are supposedly saying things about your daughter having a different last name than her brother? and how exactly do they know this and associate with your daughter, unless they’re in the same class since different grades have different recess times and different playgrounds? my daughter started kindergarten this year, and surprisingly, she hasn’t been questioned or bullied about her situation (she has never known her dad, which to ME is a bigger deal than having a different last name than a sibling but that’s just me. I was bullied about my parent being divorced before I was bullied about looking different than my dad since he’s white with blue eyes and I looked VERY Asian when I was little, and well looks are more obvious than a last name). to ME this sounds like you’re trying to justify a situation and using your kid as a scapegoat and exaggerating the situation. if you wanted to change your kids name, you don’t need a justification or some big story. you’re the surviving parent and have full control over legal decisions, even if you feel bad for making them because her father is deceased.
As much as I dislike my daugthers father, I would not change their name, especially at age 5 and if he passed away. One day your kid might resent you.
Can you hyphenate but, use yours as the one primarily? I don’t know if you want to continue to honor him but, that may work. Use your last name as preferred name
Why not hyphenate it? I’ve known people who hyphenate their middle name with their maiden name. It’s her connection to her father.
I guess when your daughter becomes a “teenager” at 13 and she throws a tantrum so her boyfriend can sleep over you’ll say yes because that will make her happy! Ridiculous right?!?!!! Changing her last name because she’s a baby crier is too! 
The name is her inheritance and if she wants to put it away until she’s an adult that’s okay. If she never decides to use it, that’s okay too. It isn’t the family’s decision to make. They may be unhappy about it so I wouldn’t tell them unless it becomes necessary.
No, no child that young is going to be that upset over her name. That’s ridiculous and you should have never changed it. Why didn’t you bring this up to the family before going behind everyone’s backs and doing it? Because you want her to have your name. That’s why.
This is also extremely disrespectful to her father who passed away. I could never…
Why would you change her name just because she cried over it? My name was a nightmare (no it’s not the one on Facebook) and my mom didn’t change it. My dad was killed in Iraq. That’s literally the worse reason to change a name for a child🤦🏼‍♀️
I don’t personally think it was right to change her last name. There are lots of things kids will be upset about, and they need to learn how to cope with it because not everything can be easily changed like that. Tomorrow it may be eye color, but you wouldn’t go get her contacts if she wanted different colored eyes. You’d teach her to love that part of herself. Her last name let her carry a small piece of her dad with her, and it’s important for her to be taught to appreciate that.
Just tell them. You are her mother and you legally get to decide. I applaud you for taking her well being into consideration. I’m in your shoes too and if my son asks to change his name I’m letting him. It’s HIS name!
The mom who asked the question does not need y’alls rude and judgment comments. She asked for advice. While I may not totally agree with completely changing her last name you did what you thought was best for your child. Which I completely understand and applaud you for momma. As for telling her grandmother just have an open and honest conversation with her. But be prepared for it to cause some tension and her to be upset.
I’m sorry but I hope the family gets upset. That’s ridiculous letting a young child make a decision like that! Who’s the parent in this situation🤦🏻‍♀️
I have 3 kids one has my last name the other has mine and dads and my last one has just dads last name and the the two older ones know the difference and have asked if they could have the same names either just mine or mine and dads and my youngest will tell u he has my last name but he dont he has dads last name but since both of my oldest kids want the same last name i told them that we can get them changed they might be just kids but they have a right to say and have feelings too so i get it fully just dont tell them unless important
Honestly I think you did the right thing. I don’t think you are being disrespectful. Your daughter wasn’t feeling like part of your family with the last night stuff. Plus we don’t know what kind of negative remarks were made that got your child so upset about this matter. Good for you putting her wants/needs/emotions first. She asked for it to be changed. I would just tell them or don’t. She is your daughter.
look OP, good on you. Children having autonomy is totally amazing. The only impact of her deciding later to change her name back to her bio dads is the headache of doing it. It doesnt harm her so dont let what some of these b*tchy betty’s say make you feel worse.
my daughter has my previously married name and has absolutley no relation to my ex husband. the only reason she has it is because i never changed my last name back to my maiden name after i got divorced, 2 years later had her. Anyway, I want to change her name to match my husbands (her dad since she was she was 6 months old), mine and her sisters. She didnt want to for a really long time. so i never did it. but when she realized my last name changed she was sad and cried because she wants us to have the same last name. It took some talking to explain i wasnt going to keep my old name after marrying her dad. And she decided she wants to change her name now. so thats what we are gonna do.
guilt is normal for your situation. but i think you are amazing for listening to your child. go mom!
Just explain it all to her and say u put Ur daughter feels first and her father wouldn’t want her upset like this if he was around XXX she might be very understanding cos at end off day it’s a name not going to bring her son back and it’s not like u put her in Ur other half name it’s Ur name xxxx
I’ve got a similar situation I’m going to add my maiden name to my girls so we all have that in common and they can chose which name to use I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all to change it or add to it yes it’s true kids will be cruel and we can’t fix everything but the things we can help with or fix why not!?
It’s simple… You’re the mother and it’s your decision. No issue with changing her last name and I’m grateful you gave her YOUR last name, not your boyfriend’s.
With that being said, my question is why do you feel it’s necessary to tell her paternal family??? It’s unfortunate her biological father is deceased ; however, sometimes things don’t need to be said.
No one knows anything about the shoe’s you walk in. Unless they are walking in them. Do what’s best for you and your family. Prayers for you and your family. Follow your heart mamma you got this.
You should have hyphenated it .
I would have hyphenated it. It’s a compromise that probably would have taken EVERYONES feelings into consideration & still keeps a part of her father “alive” in a sense especially when it comes to his family who is probably still greiving/devastated.
Listen, I’m sorry all of these people are disagreeing with you. Obviously, most of them have never been a child that had a different last name from their parent that they live with. It can be rough. I haven’t had a real relationship with my bio dad since I was young. I spent much of my childhood wishing I could have the same last name as my mom or my sisters. It hurt my feelings that I had a last name that was different from the family I grew up with. I was even made fun of in school. Before my wedding, I rejoiced that I could FINALLY change my last name.
You are the only one who knows your daughter… her wants & needs. If you feel that it was a necessary change, then good for you for taking your daughters feelings into account. As you said, you will help her change it back if she ever decides to… She may or may not.
As for his family, maybe just hold off on telling them for a while.
I would have kept his last name but added yours and she could just go by yours but his is still there
You go momma. You are putting your daughters feelings first. Do not feel guilty bc of that and do not let his mom make you or your daughter feel guilty. Yes losing someone like that takes a toll on anyone and your still gonna grieve but at the end of the day YOU are doing what’s BEST for YOUR daughter.
This is why both my kids have my last names and not their dads. But my last name is my mothers maiden name and my deceased bio dads last name. (Me and my kids are the last of my bio dads blood line. Im his only bio child) even if i get married im keeping my last name.
In My Family an Uncle Changed his last. Name four times back and forth, No One cared, let it be whatever The Person decides…
Why do they need to know? It is between you and your daughter.
Your child’s welfare is your primary concern. Yes, it’s nice to care about your daughter’s grandmother, but she is a distant concern. Explain the reason. She either accepts it as truth, or not. That’s not on you.
Just be honest about it. If she gets upset, remind her that it would change regardless if she ever got married. It doesnt take away the fact of who her father was