Idk what to do. I was with the father of my children for 7 years and we split because he became an addict and abandoned my kids and I. Everyone wanted us apart. We were highschool sweethearts and had our first kid when I was in grade 11. We’ve been apart for a bit over a decade. He is clean from drugs and has been for a long time, he does struggle with alcohol but it’s not an actual problem problem if that makes sense?He was my life. I still to this day believe he is my twin flame. I do not look at anyone the way I looked at him. Anyways I married and he is with someone else but I am not in love with my current partner. I love him but I’m not in love. Him and I where eachothers rebounds and just kinda settled for eachother type deal. He is such a great person and I know he would be happier with someone else that could give him the love he really does deserve but neither of us will make the first move to leave. I’m so stuck. I still love the absolute shit out of my baby dad and I just feel like such an a hole to my current dude. We’ve tried councelling and everything but we just aren’t compatible. We are two very different people. How can I ease into a conversation to let him know how I feel? As great as he is, he isn’t the greatest at communicating.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I tell my partner how I really feel about our relationship?
talk to him. tell him you wanna know how he feels about your relationship. let him lnow you wont hold it against him, you just wanna know.
“Your current dude” when speaking about your husband… just leave
He’s going to be hurt and angry no matter which way you do it. But speaking from experience almost every time it doesn’t work trying to go back to a relationship you left. People change as they get older and who you once knew may not be the same person anymore. And also how do you know bd feels the same?
You already know the answer
Yeah, cut the other dude loose to find his true love and go back to the addict that abandoned you and your kids. Solid plan.
Treat him as if you loved him. It is amazing how this will change everything. Turn your life over to Jesus Christ. He is our love!!
He still struggles with alcohol but it isn’t a problem? If there’s a struggle, there’s a problem. He’s with someone else, leave him alone. You should also leave your husband alone while you’re at it. He deserves better.
First, how do you know your ex husband wants you back or is still that in love with you? You’ve said he’s with someone else he may not be willing to leave for you.
Second, absolutely leave your current husband and let him find someone who truly loves him because yes, it’s definitely not fair to him for you to keep waisting his life!
This is so jacked that you knew that and took it as far as marrying him. I’m not sorry when I say this. But your fucked up. Why would you take a vow and hand in marriage when clearly your not ready. And you refer to him as current dude? These are the women that give men a bad taste in their mouth. Congrats you win 1st place of douche this week. I’ll let you know if someone passes you but highly doubtful. And not to mention you put your children through it all. Lmfao.
You’re straight up fkn get tf out and PLEASE let the guy have the happiness he deserves. Your ex won’t take you back. You’re literally holding on cuz you can’t get over yourself. The counseling should be for YOU and you alone. Sitting here disrupting people’s lives if a man was typing this all y’all would be calling him this this this n that. That’s YOU
Have an open conversation. Life is too short to be unhappy but make sure this is what you really want. I assure you alcohol is an issue especially for addicts. You may find yourself in the same position. Also what about his current wife? Are there other children involved besides your own? What about your children? Are they bonded to your current husband and how will this effect them? A lot more to consider besides your feelings.
Never go backwards especially when issues like that are involved, never gets you anywhere good. I also agree you need to end it with current guy because he deserves better than that, no matter how you say it he isn’t going to be happy but he will be later on in life…hopefully. If the ex abandoned you and the kids before and is still drinking even though you says it’s not a problem problem which means it definitely is lol then he will do it again or it can get ever worse than you ever imagined. Just because you love someone and they were your highschool Sweetheart doesn’t mean you should be with them, this isn’t Disney.
Get therapy your addicted to your ex
You write: “Anyways I married and he is with someone else but I am not in love with my current partner.” Your issues with your current partner have nothing to do with your previous partner who has also moved on. If you want to leave your husband, then leave. But leave the other guy alone. You have fantasied a perfect relationship when such a thing does not exist. Don’t go out and break up two relationships over a fantasy.
Just let the poor guy go… you’re just being selfish at this point. You should totally run back to the walking red flag that has a problem with alcohol, but doesn’t have a problem with alcohol
Okay so I’m confused. Is this about you wanting your ex or you not wanting to be with your partner? Because your ex has a new girl you said. So you can’t come in and blow walls down in his life for what “what ifs”. Same with the current husband. Definitely need to part ways with current husband though if you don’t love him. He deserves to be loved.
Good on him for beind clean and being able to escape the clutches of addiction HOWEVER has he expressed at all that HE wants to work things out. Just because you do and believe he is YOUR soulmate doesn’t mean he wants to work things out. You have a husband who sounds like he’s getting the short end of the stick in your relationship due to how poorly you are treating him. If you can’t be happy with him let him go but don’t ruin your current marriage because you think the world of someone who clearly hasn’t tried to win you back in over a decade…
Being clean means being clean from alcohol as well !!
Cut your man loose. He deserves better than you.
Struggle with alcohol is still being an addict. Apparently ex has moved on and is with some else why try ruin someone’s else relationship. There is names for people who ruin relationships it’s called a homewrecker. Why call your husband a rebound for? just shows what kind of person you are with this whole post. You are better off alone.
Don’t fool yourself that you can travel to the past. I had a similar situation. No baby. He became drug and alcohol addicted as well. We rekindled after 20 years and he was clean from both. (No such thing as an addict who “ handles” alcohol but off drugs.) (He will always be an addict and must work a program religiously ). Anyway because of all our life experiences we were different people and it was confirmed our previous breakup was the right thing. I’ve know others who rekindled and it didn’t work. I suggest honesty in your current relationship, and end it THEN take the time ( a year or 2) to learn who you are, what you want, and how great you are without a man in your life. Don’t mean to lecture just talking from experience. You can do it!!
Personally I think you shouldn’t be with either of them. Your ex is still struggling with addiction and you’re enabling it by minimizing it. Your current husband deserves to be with someone who loves him. You should focus on getting your own thoughts and life together and healing before you can be in a relationship with anyone. And the people it’s affecting the most is the children, who didn’t ask for any of this.
Going back rarely ends well. As for “your current dude”, just tell him and go.
“He has a problem but doesn’t” means it’s a problem he has to address. You can’t save him.
Maybe consider being on your own for a while & doing therapy alone. Do the work to figure out why you make relationship moves that aren’t healthy.
Your kids will learn from you… What do you want to teach them?
As for “twin flame”, sometimes that’s not a positive connection. Study up bc that phrase doesn’t mean a healthy relationship is possible.
Take him to dinner and explain. It’s that simple
Truth will set you free
You didnt say how you ex feels now about coming back…and he still struggles… your right about your now dude deserves a true love. Think this out before making moves, kids are involved.
No matter if you end up chasing your ex and messing up his current marriage or not, you need to let your current husband go to find someone who deserves him because you’re not in it 100%.
Tell him what you told us. Brutal honesty will get him to listen
Just be honest, tell him you don’t feel the same about him.
Better to get it done now then waste your life with him unhappy.
Please just rip the bandaid off and tell him the truth. The truth hurts yes but it’s better than being lied to and played honestly. Like you said he deserves someone who will love him and be in love with him.
It’s not right to be with someone just because you can’t have the person you want. Leave this man even if you’ll be by yourself. That’s not right to do to someone. Geez
Let your current husband go find happiness. I agree, he does deserve better. What a disservice to settle. Not only to him, but to yourself as well. You did no one any favors.
Being clean means no alcohol as well.
Does your ex feel the same about you? You cannot go taking him from someone else if they are happy.
Maybe you should take some time and figure yourself out, sounds like to me.
Your now dude deserves a true love, just tell him how you feel, but going back never ends well
Just tell him. Stop putting it off. It’s not fair to him. If you don’t love him, tell him. So childish.
You come across as toxic. You married a dude you said yourself you couldn’t look at the way you did your ex. Why? I bet it’s because he takes care of the kids you don’t seem to think of (no mention of how they are doing through this, or how their father abandoning them affected them, or if their father even visits them since he’s been “clean”). Idk. You give off red flags. Your husband deserves way better…
Sounds like your going to homewreck baby dad current relationship and you wanted single cause you think more of chance he will come back. Sounds like a scumbag
You need to take your husband to dinner and explain exactly how you feel. It could be a disaster or it could turn out being exactly what he’s wanted too. Either way, it’s the truth and you’ll be free to be on your own. Focus on you and them kids… getting yourself straight without any man. If your ex makes a move to be involved knowing you’re no longer committed to anyone else, then it’s meant to be but do not come in his ‘now’ relationship. He may be different now, and that could mean he is happy even if your brain or heart is telling you he isn’t.
Honesty is the best policy. You’re doing nothing but hurting him and yourself by just settling
Let the current man free… not fair to either of you. Don’t go back to your ex. It may be great at first. I think you’re in love with the idea of who you want your ex to be… he is not that person believe me. Be single for awhile and find yourself.
Go to Al-Anon. It’s for friends and families of alcoholics and other addicts. There are in-person and virtual meetings almost every hour of every day and they’re completely free. You need to learn more about addiction, especially since you two have children together. Make sure you learn to handle this healthily. Seeing a chemical dependency counselor would be ideal.
Here’s what I can tell you…grass isn’t greener on the other side. It may look new and exciting, but exciting doesn’t generally stick around for the hard knocks life gives out.
Secondly, being clean from drugs also includes alcohol. You can’t be clean and sober unless you’re completely clean and sober…so call it what you want, but he’s still in active addiction…which also means he hasn’t changed that much, he’s just better at hiding it.
To summarize…I think you’re thinking with your hormones and not common sense. You have kids and their needs and wants should ALWAYS come before your own. I think your husband is a good man and deserves someone that will give him their whole heart and not just the pieces you have chosen to give him. Rebounds or not, you guys got married…that has to stand for something. If it doesn’t, you need to set him free and leave him alone
You Souldn’t have married if you weren’t in love just saying.
Well first of all . Any amount of alcohol is a huge problem when it comes to addiction.
Second of all, let me go out on a limb and say that your current relationship started falling apart when you started talking to your ex…you caused this. Have you ever heard the saying that the grass is greener where you water it?
I’m going to sound mean but it sounds like you need to hear this…you need to forget about your ex and concentrate on your kids and yourself if you decide to leave your husband. Don’t go jumping from one fire to the next with kids in tow.
You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel. You both deserve that! And regardless of what happens with your ex you need to end the marriage. It’s unfair to him
Eventually our mistakes come back to haunt us.
You owe it to both of you to be honest and end the marriage.
The other guy? Not sure if he is in your best interest at all but that’s a separate issue.
Addiction is life long. He may be clean, but he’s still a junkie. It’s really not in his best interest to. Hook up with you
If he struggles with alcohol it’s a problem.
Next have a real talk with the current husband and tell him your done and want a divorce.
Just be straight forward with him no beating around the bush
How long have you been married to current husband? Could be a 7 year itch as they say. Work through it cause I done that many years ago and left him but regret it today
It’s hard to find a good partner. Just something to think about
You’re first fuck up was #kidsraisingkids smdh
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You sound stuck on the “what if’s” of that relationship so how could you possibly give the current one your all? You need therapy.
Your ex is “clean” from drugs you say. But you also say he struggles with alcohol. Coming from an NA member, please read this paragraph from the NA handbook. Your ex is not clean if he is struggling with alcohol, because in NA, alcohol is also a drug. Since you say he’s struggling with it, there is a high chance that he is going to relapse with drugs as well. The grass may look greener on the other side, but trust me it’s going to turn brown real fast. The only thing you can do is tell your current husband how you feel and see where the cards fall. You may stay together, you may divorce. Whatever happens let your ex be, but your husband deserves to know how you feel so he can make the best decision for himself. If both of y’all were rebound relationships, then maybe you just need to be by yourself and figure out what you want in life and in a partner and for your kids. Just please don’t go back to your ex if he’s a recovering drug addict who’s struggling with alcohol. It’ll go downhill real fast and take you with it.
You are confused and looking for an out. The ex has alcohol issues but clean? That isn’t clean, he’s transferred one addiction to another. Set you current husband free because you have some issues that need counseling!! Your current husband and children deserve better.
That is not a valid reason for divorce. You need to mature, therapy might help and some other things… the grass is greener where you water it and you are emotionally cheating and fantasizing probably out of boredom. You stop feeding the “emotions” and put that energy into your marriage and husband like you’re supposed to. This is a you problem and I don’t think you should discuss it with your husband. It’s not right to uproot the lives of how many people because you are feeding something else selfishly.
Here is a thought Be honest !
Alcohol does become a problem even if you don’t see it now it is a problem and getting involved with someone who is an alcoholic is just setting you and your children up for failure
I think you are fantasizing about the past. There is a reason you are not with your ex. Addiction doesn’t just go away, sounds like he traded one for another. Your husband deserves the love you are trying to give to your ex. Give your husband the attention he deserves. Stop talking to your ex, put your marriage as first priority. Going backwards is going to damage you and your children.
You need to be honest. Please don’t waste any more of yours and his time. I’ve had so much of my time in life wasted, that I can’t get back. It’s cruel!
As for your ex… your ex isn’t the same person you remember from a decade ago. He may seem it in passing conversation, but time changes us all. Life experience changes us. Toxic relationships change us. Healthy relationships change us. Being single changes us!
I can look back over the years and see how I have made changes between every life event. Even the course of 3-4 years have made a difference. Over the years I’ve spoken to my eldest daughter’s dad. The memories I have of him are good and bad. I always felt I was talking to the same person. I wasn’t. If I had spent a week with him, we would have noticed that neither of us are the vision we have in our heads.
I too married a rebound. I too was still in love with my kids dad who had many many demons to overcome. My husband was a phenomenal guy, he just was not for me. Him being such a great guy made it real hard to leave him, but it had to happen! In saying this, get rid of the husband. He will never be for you more than likely. He was your bandage for the hurt you were feeling. The current husband honestly deserves to move on and find someone who rly rly is in love with him. (My now ex was in a relationship within 4 months and soon to be remarried) the heartache he went through was ok because he found out I was not the one! He gets to experience real love now. Also the ex (kids dad)probably isn’t for you either. If he wanted to be better he wouldn’t have went from one habit to the next. My childrens father is now remarried and got more kids and for the most part stays off shit, but addiction is forever and if he’s not strong enough to stay sober all the way around, he will never get better. He may be drinking now, but sooner or later he’s going to be chasing that next high.
Just be honest with him , you both are just wasting each other time and the opportunity to find true love. Maybe he wants to have the conversation but is scare to hurt you .
No one should settle for love and live in a loveless relationship, be brave and do it for the both of you.
And please, do not try to get back to your baby daddy , you just said something really scare “ that alcohol it’s not a big deal “ and is truly is , a alcoholic addiction is as a bad as a drug addiction is
First. That whole sentence about drinking and it’s not really a problem for him. Shows u have a problem
A problem is a problem. Let’s start there.
Second you are making excuses. Get a babysitter. Have a sit down dinner or hang out and discuss your thoughts. If he can’t discuss with you then he isn’t grown enough to be with you. Simple.
So , how’s the kids in all this and going to be effected with future decisions, I read you mention your ex and how he’s done past/present your currents past present and your own past /present, no mention of how kids dealt with the addiction or what relationship they have with either man /father figure.
I am this same way I’ve just stayed single.
Your ex is still an addict. Hellur? He traded one addiction for another .
You’re fantasizing and ruining a good thing… for what? You really think people go 10 years not changing? You got yourself in this mess admitting you married a rebound.
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Your current partner deserves better. I hope you tell him.
You’re holding o to the past. Let it go.
Do you actually love him? Or do you love the memories you had?
Just out right tell him how you feel
Dude is an addict that still uses? That is risky business especially considering that you have kids to protect. On the other hand, I would never want someone to stay in a love-less marriage either. I feel bad for your current dude tbh. How depressing.
They call me dogs that do this kind of crap. What do they call women?
Just sit down and make a plan to separate and break up.
You both deserve better.
Your kids deserve to see a relationship that’s real not be taught to settle.
He’s still an addict, he’s with someone, you’re married… What end result are you looking for cause I don’t see any of it working in your favor. Doubt he’ll leave his current partner for you, he’s still a drinker and not going to stop for you, and you’ve gotta get divorced… Do your kid see their dad? But yeah you should leave your husband.
Your current husband deserves better. You need to leave the man so he can find someone who will love him and wants to be his life partner.
Your ex husband needs you to leave him alone also. He is a recovering addict. A recovering addict struggling with alcohol is a problem. You should realize and recognize this.
You need to work on yourself, let your ex husband work on his recovery and let your current husband find himself a woman who wants to be his wife.
If it’s not working then step away. Part amicably
If your only life live is still struggling with substance abuse proceed cautiously. There are children who need you and you are responsible for their care and nurture. Behaviors can occur in the next generation and you want to avoid those for your children’s sake.
Check into Al Anon or similar programs to give you support.
I think you’re in love with the idea of the person your ex was (before his addiction) more so than the person he is today, if that makes sense. I’m not judging but so why did you get married if you’re not in love with your husband? I think you should think about your children and yourself before you make anymore ration decisions as all this will affect your kids one way or another. Hope it all works out.
Just be honest and say I think we need to talk
Memories get in the way of true feelings…
You have both moved on and need to stay that path. You might not be happy with your current guy but your ex is probably happy… You either need to really try with the guy your with. Or leave them both alone and continue on a different path…
If you disturb the path your ex is on, it might make him relapse into his old ways… Especially since he has given up one addiction and taken up another
Alot of the times memories are better left as just that…
I’d definitely leave first if you’re not happy. But, if you’re leaving because you think the grass is greener and it’s not, then what’s your plan. Have you talked to your ex about this. Whatever you decide, talk to your husband first because that’s not fair to him. Don’t string him along just to see if it works with BD first.
Sounds like a relationship is the last thing you should worry about sorry but nah dude get some counseling make yourself your main priority
You tells him exactly what you just said and are honest. You outgrew each other and changed it happens and you both dererve happiness .
So, you want to ruin your ex’s marriage because yours is about to be ruined too? Gtfoh. Leave them both alone and worry about your kids. The ex doesn’t need a new reason to drink more and your current husband needs a real wife.
How do you know your old flame is interested in picking up where you two left off? “Everyone wanted us apart.” Do you know why? You might ask your family what they saw in him that you did not see.
It seems terribly sad to me that you are willing to dump the man who stood by you and was a father to someone else’s kids for a man with addiction issues. Then drugs, now alcohol. Don’t kid yourself. Addiction takes many shapes.
You are going to do what you want to do. You are hoping we are going to tell you it’s ok to dump a selfless man who has been good to you and your children so that you can run back to a selfish man who you don’t even know if he has feelings for you.
Think about someone other than yourself for a change. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
I do not give you my blessings to tear your family apart and run back to someone who may fall into the exact same cycle as before.
You sound very selfish. You’re both in relationships. If you’re unhappy then leave, but leave your ex’s relationship alone. You’re in love with the idea of what could’ve been. Your current husband deserves better then someone fantasying about their ex. Move on and seek some counseling to deal with your emotional baggage.
IIf you think it’s going to peaches and cream second time around you are very WRONG. He traded one vice for another,a drunk is no picnic to live with. Just as bad as first time around.
Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go. He hasn’t fixed himself and he will destroy you and your children.
So basically you only married someone else because you didn’t want to be alone? So you strung this poor man along and now your ex is clean so you want to leave your marriage? Jesus. Get a divorce. You sound so selfish.
Your toxic and selfish af need to leave both guys alone focus on yourself and kids and do not go home wrecking your marriage or somebody else’s marriage/ relationship for your own selfish pleasure/ wants your ex is not your soulmate you just like the thought of it so in return your created an emotional and mental affair on your husband with your ex
Time to bite the bullet and talk to him. Let him go
A lot of people on here are going after op for wanting to ruin her exs relationship but that’s not what she said or even indicated. She’s saying she can’t get over her ex and that’s causing her current relationship to fail and wants to know how to end her current relationship. She never said anything about getting back with her ex.
I miss my ex. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him. Last I heard he’s single and I’m single and I’d rather croak than get with him again… just because I love him doesnt mean I’m trying to get with him.
It sounds like you need serious counseling for yourself. Your priority needs to be your children first. It seems like you feel stuck in the relationship you have. Instead of trying to fix it ; you want to try to go back to a failed relationship hoping it will fix everything.
You can’t expect to be in love your whole life.
Look at what your man does for you; that is love. Being willing to go to counseling is love.
If you can’t afford counseling go to Ala-non. You were married to a alcoholic.
Oh my word. She never said anything about getting back with her ex can you people read ffs?
To answer your question, to ease into such a serious conversation, I’d start by saying you really need to talk and that it’s not going to be easy… but then just really say what you feel. Don’t sugar coat your feelings to try to not hurt his. Best of luck!
Well this isn’t really fair to either party, nor yourself. I think it’s worth it to your husband to tell him the truth but you have to accept that if your ex is not ready for you or will not take you back you cannot run back to your current husband. You need to make the decision that you just aren’t happy with your current husband in general and that whatever happens in the future happens whether or not you get back with your ex it might not ever happen, do you even know what how he feels?
If you’re unhappy then you’re unhappy, that you have to be realistic about what the outcome could be.
Why didn’t u talk to the counselor? That would probably be the best place
I’d definitely go talk to a counselor and make sure you’re certain how you feel and help get the tools you need to amicably separate and conscious uncoupling plan to make it as easy as possible.
First and foremost he changed addictions but he has an addiction