I have a two-year-old. His biological father (sperm donor) has seen him maybe four times in his life… he doesn’t pay child support. He even wanted to sign over his rights. Mine SO has helped raise him as his own. (my son calls him daddy)… I don’t know when to tell my son about his birth dad… I don’t even know where to start with that IDEA. His donor asks about him every couple of months… he was supposed to go through Safe Harbor in order to gain visitation, but he never followed through… what do I do? It really weighs on me, and I’m just… lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
2 might be a little young. I’m waiting till my daughter is old enough to fully understand and I’m telling her the full truth and what she does from there is on her.
I say be honest with your son. The earlier the better. I have so many friends who’s parents have been keeping that info from them. They end up SO HURT. Like they been getting lied to all of their lives
My son is 4.5. He has an amazing father, by blood? No. By heart and love? Yes.
I don’t plan to tell my son of his bio “dad” until he comes to me with the question. I am sure you have a couple years still. My son is a couple years older and doesn’t even realize his dad that stepped up is not his bio dad. I don’t plan to say anything until he asks. When he does, I will give the age appropriate answer.
I would wait honestly until hes old enough to not be upset about it. You and your husband can sit him down and explain to him. He’ll eventually find out but not at 2. Its obviously your choice but I would wait.
My son’s 12 now and his father’s never been in his life. I’m married now to a wonderful man that treats him as his own. I just told my son when he started asking that his biological father wasn’t emotionally mature enough to care for a child. I answered any questions about him that I could. And for the questions you don’t have an answer for like why didn’t he want me… You reply with you’ve got a loving family right here that will be here 100% forever.
Just be honest with him!
Two is too young to explain the truth. Wait a couple of years and then be completely honest. But In the meantime you could get children’s books about step families/ blended families and different mommy and Daddy’s. You’re child will start asking questions eventually.
Whatever you do do NOT talk negatively about him. Give vague but honest answers when your child asks. Like if he asks why he wasn’t around just simply answer you don’t know but that he is loved very much. Lots of support from you. Just keep reminding him. That he’s loved and you will support him no matter what. The more you negatively talk about his birth father he will resent you in the long run. Let your son make his own opinions about him when he gets older.
You have a long time to decide how to handle that! Let that baby enjoy life and being love by you and your bf.
My son is 5. My fiance has been there since he was 2 weeks old. That’s the only daddy he knows. One day he will ask questions and we will be honest. His sperm donor has denied him time and time again. My fiance asked him to even relinquish his rights so he could adopt him… his response “I don’t have no other kids besides the ones with my ex” and hung up on my fiance. I would wait until he ask and depending on his age you will be able to respond to the situation better
Was there a particular reason you didn’t let him sign off on his rights? It would have paved the way for the man he thinks of as his dad to adopt him. At the age he is now, he would be too confused. As he gets a little older and has a better grasp of object permanence you can have a straight talk with him about what makes a family and why love ties are stronger than blood ties.
I had a sperm donor too, he left before i had my son…4 years later we got in contact, he wanted to see him but i wanted him to prove he wasn’t going to come in and out of his life. Every 6 months i got a message from him, thats it.i always told my son i would find him a great dad when he asked, and i did!
I waited until 13 for my first child and age 8 with my two middle children once they were mature enough to understand and we’re asking questions I was honest with them in a gentle way and reminded them how i will always be there for them and how loved they are and they took it very well actually
Honesty & start with age appropriate talks. Possibly allow him to sign over his rights so your son can be adopted by your SO.
Well he’s two years old. I would wait until he’s older and could totally understand what you are even talking about. My daughter is two years old n her daddy isn’t in her life n she says daddy or something about him and usually I don’t really discuss anything with her and normally try n get her talking about something else.
It is better to do it when they are small, thus avoiding trauma.
If he is not involved there is no reason to bring him up now. A 2 year old isn’t going to really understand that concept.
I didn’t tell my son anything until he was about 9. He never asks honestly. We split when he was 3 and he doesn’t even know his name nor knows what he looks like. So he doesn’t ask about him at all due to this.
I don’t see a reason to tell him. My oldest sons father plays the roll of father to my middle child. My son calls him dad, that’s his dad. His donor has never met him and won’t. Being a parent is about who raises you, not who created you. My sons have different biological fathers but the same daddy.
I would wait till 10 or 12 when they start to fully understand things. A 2 year old is not going to understand and be able to process it. I’ve had friends that went to have the conversation with their children when they got older and the kids did not want to hear about it they loved the man they been calling dad for all these years. If the sperm donor finally does what he has to do to see the child then don’t keep the child from him.
My fiancee has baby mama drama, one mother is in there lives and the mother of the youngest 2 (ages 4 and 6) she is a real piece of work now I have been in the kids lives for 2 and a half years now so they know me as there mom figure and have started calling me mom on their own. But she comes in and out of their life for holidays or birthday for about 12 hours and demands to see them. Bla bla bla he let’s her because there is a court order stating she has the regular visits weekend and rotating holidays and such but she never gets them . So that every 4 months or so when she wants them to play mommy to her newest boyfriend he let’s her cause technically she has that right. After 2 years of this the little ones realize that she isnt much to look forward to. They use to get upset and stuff but then when our 6 year old started school she realized that a mom is so much more. Due to books and the other kids talking about there mommies. Now they dont even care if or when she comes around. They say things to me like we have 2 mommies and even though it hurts I tell them yes. But one of them is a biological mother that carried you before you were born and one of them loves you like a mother should. Reads to you, mends your booboos, brushes your hair, buys you the things u need everyday. Being a mommy is so much more then just having the word mommy infront of your name… so I say tell him. Maybe wait a couple years or until the bio dad comes into the picture. But I would definitely tell him before he is like 10
Following. Going through exact same thing except my son has never even met or seen his bio father.
Talk to the therapist at your child’s pediatrician’s office. I got some insightful tips for when my husband and I have this talk with our son. He is about to turn 8 and has recently asked his paternal grandmother how they were related, she told him God had chosen her and he left it at that for awhile before he asked again and then didn’t buy that answer but he let it go and has not said anything since so I am also stuck on when to have this talk or how to even initiate it because when I softly tried by asking what he had asked his grandma, he didn’t remember and I didn’t have the gull to push it further. There are so many things to factor in(for us) and just such a hard topic in general so best of luck momma🤗
I recommend being honest in age appropriate ways. He won’t understand biological or not. I have an adopted son and we refer to bio Dad by his first name and have pictures. When my son son asks we discuss it. It will only be a big deal if you make it one.
Washington state only allows the bio parent to sign over rights IF the custodial parent is married and spouse is looking to adopt said child.
Leave it til he asks
Just don’t. Why tell him if he has a father figure already? My step dad was my dad. I didn’t care or think about bio idiot because my dad loved me so much.
I would tell him around 5 in a way he will understand hopefully before then the bio dad steps up and becomes a better dad to him
I’d wait until about 9-10 years old. Do not listen to those saying to not tell him. He deserves to know and sooner or later he will find out somehow and it’s better if it comes from you and your husband.
Just tell him what he can comprehend at each age level. I believe if you always tell him the truth it’s just easier. Of course I’d leave out the part of dad not wanting him. It’s not a big announcement, just day by day truth. I will add that I’ve been there and done that. My daughter always knew.
I am dealing with the same situation for 9 years I wish I’d never told my kids about their bio dad cause my fiancé has took care of them since they was 2 months old with bio in and out every 6 months to a year. Please just don’t put your baby through that heart break
I wouldn’t right now, at 2 there is no way that he can understand what your saying is wait till like 6-8 years old
Being that young no need to tell him my opinion. When he comes to you that’s when the time is.
You can tell him his dad is not his biological father, which is not important because his dad chose to be his dad.
I agree . Leave it until he asks
Well he’s 2. He has a stable life right now and he’s counting on you to make sure it stays that way. So wait until he asks he may not even know about this stranger who has added nothing to his life. Answer his questions on his time table and be his best advocate. It annoys you but it could really hurt him.
The earlier in life the better. When he’s mature enough to understand but not too old he will regress or form feelings of resentment . I didn’t find out my dad wasn’t my biological father until I tried getting my birth certificate so I could get married when I was 22 years old. I love my father that raised me. He will always be the only father I have and want in my life. But it caused a hurt and resentment of abandonment that I didn’t know could exist towards a man I have never met and honestly a little towards my mom for never “finding the right time to tell me”. It won’t be easy at any age … but I feel the younger the better. (When he is old enough to understand of course.)
I agree with leaving it until he asks. He’s two years old no offense, but he’s young and I’m sure it hasn’t even crossed his mind yet. Once he’s age appropriate, I would then seek advice from a counselor on how to explain situation to him if he brings it up and or asks questions etc. If not I’d just leave it alone until he does ask questions.
You could make a family book showing his biological dad and your significant other. If he asked just tell him that it’s his other dad. As he gets older you can explain better. Definitely don’t hide it. My stepsons mom did that and now he has lots of issues and is really confused. The best thing you can do is be honest and as he gets older he can choose to not even associate with his biological dad if thats what he wants.
I had to have this conversation with my daughter, I believe I had it when she was about 9-10. My husband has been like her dad since she was little and a lot of the same situation as yourself.
To my daughter I explained that there was a difference between a “father” and a “daddy”
Daddy’s are who are there to hug you, who love you, who take you for ice cream and help you with homework, they come to your sports games and all of that
Father’s are someone who may help make you.
Now for my daughter I explained more in depths of our situations but you may be able to use the “father vs daddy”
When he is older and able to understand stuff like this then yes you should definitely tell him. If you don’t what happens if he finds out on his own? He will not trust you or his step dad. If we expect our kids to talk to us and to be honest we must do this ourselves first.
I told my son around 7. We sat down and had a conversation and I let him ask any questions he had an answered them to the best of my abilities.
My son also calls my ex daddy (his little brothers dad) and has never met his bio dad. His bio dad wanted absolutely nothing to do with my son so it made it a bit easier I felt. No introductions needed to be made
If he ever asks tell him if not dont as long as he has your SO it doesn’t matter unless the sper. Donor actually goes through with visitation then you have to explain it to him. Its the sperm.donors loss that he isnt in his life no reason to let little man wonder why this mystery man doesnt want him.
My husband came in to my sons life when he was a baby, his dad lives in another state 900 miles away and never checks on him, or asks about him, but he does pay child support because it’s court ordered. I have never told my son that is not his biological dad and he is 13 years old. I’m not sure I ever will.
I believe he is too young to even understand the concept of the conversation you would be trying to have with him. I would wait until he is at least 5-6 years old to slowly try explaining your SO is his bonus dad but your birth father, is his birth father, the one that helped you make him.
He is 2 I wouldn’t worry about it right now. I honestly wouldn’t say anything unless he asks he knows ur SO as daddy so I’d just leave it at that
Your husband is his father, pure & simple. Keep reinforcing the fact that a father takes care of his child like daddy does you. When he gets old enough to understand genetics tell him another man helped make him but daddy is his daddy. Kids know love.
At 2, he won’t understand, if the donor wants to sign over his rights do and let the man he knows is his Daddy adopt him, later when he is older just explain to him that some people are just not ready to be a parent and some choose to be be a parent and that the man that raised him choose him to be his son, which is even more special.
Start telling him now so he grows up knowing the truth. He could end up resenting you if you hold back.
Your son is only 2. Wait until he is a lot older& wiser. …Or if he asks you , if not let it be
I’m wondering what I’ll say to my daughter when she is old enough to ask. Her father has told me he doesn’t want to be in her life. He doesn’t pay child support either.
I would advise you to first pray to God to set your heart and mind correct On What you think you need to do. Ask for his guidance on this matter. Stop and listen not to your ears but your heart . If you request it of him he will guide you.
Definitely not at 2 and his dad doesn’t even wanna be Involved so why tell him
You don’t say anything, yet.
When he’s old enough to question you, you explain that he has a dad that made him, but that dad made a choice to walk away. His choice is not a reflection of you and there’s not anything that could have been done to make him change his choice.
You also explain that he has a dad that is raising him, and this dad chooses to be in his life and chooses him. So he shouldn’t feel the need to chase the dad that left.
It’s hard, but definitely wait to explain until the boy asks!
Tell.him when he asks.tell him the truth.
He won’t understand, he’s to young. I told my daughter when she was 12 & it tore her up. but her step dad is still in her life even though we aren’t together anymore. Best dad everrrr.
Similar shoes. 6 year old son from an ex husband who never cared. Signed over his rights years ago. Current husband has been around since My son was 1 he calls him dad and did so on his own. Following.
I told my son around 7. He’s 17 now. Fully aware that his dad is not his biological father. Have spoken to him about reaching out to his bio. He said “maybe I will in the future, but I’m not missing a father, I have one and a very good one. I have no need or want to contact or meet that man. If I do,I’ll let you know” kissed my on my forehead, gave his dad a hug and asked what was for dinner. Lol.
Your son has the right to know where he comes from. My point of that story is. He has to chose to be there, or not until your son is old enough to know what and why he is coming and going. These deadbeat parents don’t understand the trauma they cause with the in and out of it all. It’s one thing to consistently be there. It’s another to be there,then gone months at a time. Let him be absent. He has the right to know about his son,his well being and so on. But at some point. You as the mother have to put your foot down and tell the father to make a choice, be there or don’t. I did. And let me tell you. Best decision I made for my son at a year. My husband had a talk with the bio man to man. And told him. Either be there or don’t. But don’t go back and forth. Our son deserves better. That was 16 years ago. Haven’t heard from that man since.
Just be honest. My son understands and i swear he loves my bf more because of it
Let it ride for the time being Dad could get his act together miracles do happen! Stop calling him sperm donar very degrading on your part be respectful he is your sons father never forget that!
I wouldn’t even say anything. He is with his daddy and that’s what matters. He will understand when old enough that the other is just a sperm donor
He’s so young right now. Whatever you tell him won’t be understood. Please wait
I waited until my daughter asked me point blank at the age of 14. My husband raised her from the age of 3 and she still calls him daddy and she’s 22 now. I was completely honest with her about her sperm donor… He wanted me to have an abortion (I took the money he gave me to get it done and bought her a crib instead). I pulled him up on social media so she could see what he looked like and asked her if she wanted to reach out… She hasn’t. And yes he knows I didn’t have the abortion
2 years old is too young. My 8 year old started asking questions about her real dad and her daddy(step dad since she was 1) right now just call the sperm donor a friend which is what we did until she as functionally able to comprehend the situation.
Let daddy be daddy! And if he grows up having a good relationship with your SO and he’s still daddy, then he’s daddy. I hope I made sense If it was me, whoever was there for him and raised him and supported him, would always be his dad. Now my 3 kid’s have the same dad. Ages 16, 12, 11 and they all know who their father is. But he hasn’t had contact in 6 year’s. Except with my daughter, the 16 year old. Here and there. But he said he won’t ever sign his right’s away. And he does pay me $500 a month in child support. So he’s always been their dad. I won’t take that from them. So it all depends on the situation. And how you feel.
Start small with information and add as he grows. Easier than telling everything at once. Ie. Birth dad and daddy to separate the two.
he’s too young. my 7 year old has never met her bio dad. she knows the guy she calls dad is her step dad but she hasn’t asked questions about bio dad yet. i decided to just always tel the truth and when she asks i give info. she’s only 7 she doesnt ask too much yet lol
Let him sign his rights away no child support nothing you and your son seem to be in a flourishing happy relationship
Wait until your son asks about his real dad.Don’t rush the time it will happen before you know just be truthful
You have plenty of time. I went through that and my son never asked, until I was going to get married, to someone else when he was 4. When he did ask, I told him that his dad and I didn’t get along and divorced. When he was in his teens I divorced again, due to abuse, which he was aware of, sadly. I think it all depends on how you discuss it. I’m a matter-of-fact kind of person and kept my emotions out of it. There were times he would ask a question but he did pretty well, considering he never got a Xmas or bday card or gift. He knew he had me to be there for him. Anyway, just keep it simple.
I beg you don’t tell him until he’s older and if mature enough to know… we had a family member who just told one of the kids when he was young about 4-5age (years ago) and he’s whole world was crumbled … he stopped calling the family who took him in mom and dad and resented everyone because he felt like he was lied too… I’m not saying your son will do the same but please just wait until he’s older
I used dolls and told my daughter when she was 3. Never had issues. Just answer questions as they ask. But do it in a way that does not make your child feel like he was rejected.
Wait until your son is at the age where he brings it to your attention
Okay so I will give my experience. I have been single mom for 6 years. The DNA donor feels a rats backside for his son.
So yes this mommy was scared pineapples of how to handle it. I decided I will wait till he asks.
So that day came out of nowhere. We where in the car driving home from school talking about construction vehicles(passed a few on our way home) and this little rescal randomly asks. Mommy where is my dad. Okay so not proud of it, bit I panicked and said you do not have one. Proudest moment hell no.
Okay he goes okay and end of topic, for him yes mommy still freaking out.
Later that evening mommy neede to put her big pants now and sort out this question. I went to him and said the day that you where born you where such a huge present and blessing from God that your dad did not know what to do with it he got scared and left, but mommy loves you so much that I can never leave you.
Guess he was at an age to accept it… was 4.
I now have a guy in my live about 7 years now, but serious for about 2 years now. My son calls him dad and that is it. If anyone asks he says he did not have a dad for very long, but now God gave him the best one.
I do not know if this helps, but please give it time I personally think at 2 he will not understand. But read all the advise given and mix and match your mommy heart will tell you what works.
We are amazing that way.
I wouldn’t bring it up he’s only 2 and the supermarket donor isn’t even around.
He’s to young right now just wait you will know when the time is right
I think you should wait until he’s older. Bio-dad clearly doesn’t want the responsibility and your SO does. Let him be Daddy.
At 2 he’s a little young to understand but when of age I would be honest
Make a box for him. He is too young right now to understand what an absent father is so no need in stressing over it. If you happen to be able to get a photo of the father , write a letter telling your son about his father and the circumstances that led to him being an absent parent. Nothing vengeful or hateful. Just the plan truth. You do not need to make excuses for the father to save your sons feelings because he doesn’t know his biological father . Any information you know of him such as birth date social security number . His parents names and names of siblings if he has any and you know their names. When your son is old enough to understand the situation give him the box. Give him time to go through it and then offer him whatever support he needs. Answer his questions honestly and without anger or bitterness.
My “doner ” left when I was a baby! My mom never wanted to tell me cuz my dad only called once in a while to check on me. My family accidentally told me when I was around 10. So my mom finally came out and told me. It didn’t really bother me much but as I got older I started to wonder why he left and what made him not want me?? That right there is the hardest part. We want our kids to feel so loved but there is no way to actually stop that pain. I’m now dealing with the same thing with my youngest child. It’s hard but you will know what to do when that time comes. It’s almost like a natural instinct.
If you are married he can adopt your kid, then you can tell the kid after he grows up
When the time is rite b honest
Your story sounds very similar to mine. My daughter saw her biological father the last time she turned two. She’s 12 now. She knew my husband was not her father but he treated her as a daughter. When she started asking me about her real dad, as she called him, I told her the truth. Without putting her biological dad down. My husband asked her when she was about 8 if she wanted him to adopt her and that was thaf. She’s calling him dad now as her biological father never even bothered to show up at court. So take it in stride and only talk about his biological father when he asks you about him.
Put him on child support so he can help with his son. It may be better to tell your son when he’s 10 over the summer. You don’t want to wait too long but you have to wait until
He can comprehend what you are saying.
We had a similar situation. My eldest was about 2 when her dad started visitation, in the meantime she was calling my partner dad (he’d been there since she was 4 months), we had tried to stop her but she wouldn’t. She’s now five and we told her when she was little she’s lucky because she has two dads to love her (this was a therapists suggestion). Now when she asks I tell her bio dad is special because he is the one who helped make her. We tell her my partner is her stepdad but I don’t think she fully comprehends what a step parent is so I explain it like he didn’t help make you but he helps mummy look after you and he loves you but at least she knows the truth.
I wouldn’t tell him yet because he won’t understand , along as he’s got someone he knows as daddy it doesn’t matter about he’s birth father as of yet wait until he csn understand x
From experience I would personally let him grow up knowing the truth… I grew up thinking my mum and dad was my actual parents and then at 17 I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad. I only found out due to needing my birth certificate and it wasn’t a name I recognised but it was actually my birth name… it destroyed me and my dad now will always be my dad and I don’t care about the sperm doner and I never will or will ever try to find him… I would of preferred to know when I was younger as honestly it destroyed me x
Block the new dad and roll out.
Tell the boy when he’s 10 or so.
He’s two. You don’t need to tell him anything yet. He has a loving father that is bringing this child up as his own. Forget about his birth father and build your amazing family around your beautiful boy. You’ve got a long while before he would even be able to process this information x
What when your son old enough he will ask questions my son started at five… He wanted to know why him his daddy doesn’t spend time with him. I said the truth because he choose other things to be more important and that’s okay bc you have mama and I always be here
Wait until he is old enough to understand and just be honest. Kids understand a lot more than we realize
My birth father was never in my life and still isn’t. My dad ( the one who raised me since I was an infant) adopted me when I was 1 along with my 3 older siblings. I found out when I was around 6 or 7. Didn’t phase me at all. I asked questions about my birth father randomly after finding out. Once I got was a teenager I did look my birth father up ( not because I wanted to meet him) to see what he looked like. I look alot like him and nothing like my " adoptive dad." I dont even look like my mom lol. I also took an ancestor DNA test just to know some of my genetic background. Im 33 now and still have no desire to met my birth father face to face. I love the man who raised me and my older siblings, he is our dad and that will never change. So my alive is atleast wait till he’s 6 when he has a better understanding, he may have questions throughout the years about his birth father, he may want to see a picture just be 100% honest with him about anything he wants to know throughout his life about his birth father.
I’m so torn here too. My daughter is 8, her sperm donor hasn’t seen her since she was 2. I dated a man for 6 years and that’s who she calls dad, he stepped up and took that role like a champ. (& I never corrected her) But I’m terrified she’ll hate me when we have the talk. I’m waiting until I feel she’s ready.
-Before the Karen’s come at me, he’s been in and out of jail every other month for drugs, he’s been on meth, he’s currently in court ordered drug court, he lost his rights when she was 1-2, and in order to even get visitation he has to be drugs free 6 months, and out of jail 6 months. That’s never happened. He was so SO toxic. His mom started busting up and snorting pills with him when he was 13. Trust me, I grew up without mom or dad in the house, my grandma raised me, so the last thing I wanted was for her to grow up this way. Even though I’m no longer with the man she calls dad, he gets her every weekend, now that it’s summer she goes with him whenever she wants. We have a great co parent relationship and she’s happy. Hugs mama, it’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is
A 2 year old won’t understand what you are going to tell them. All he knows right now is the other guy is daddy. I’d wait to see if the father steps up. More than likely he won’t. Keep records of the times he asked about him and definitely if it goes to court bring up the fact that he wanted to sign his rights over. For now I’d leave well enough alone. Just saying.
Don’t stress till he asks and understands. When time come say it as is
I’ve been honest from the beginning.
My son knows my husband isn’t really his genetic dad, however… that makes their bond even more special, dad chooses to love him, he has to love his brother.
It’s how you go about it, my husband and my eldest have the most beautiful relationship with each other. And now my son is a little older, he knows just how special.