When you’ve just got out of a long toxic relationship how can you trust that people have good intentions? I’m trying to move on but in the back of my mind when I’m talking to this new person I’m always asking myself if he’s being genuine. Most men my age are only wanting booty calls or at least the ones I’ve came across. I’m a single mom of four. I don’t get out much. The only option is online. This man seems to have it all. He’s secure he has stability and he’s so sweet. What do I do? Like I’m a damaged individual I’ve been miserable for the last three yrs. My last relationship was 7yrs. But the last three he became abusive in every single way. I’m just don’t want to get back into a relationship like that. Any advice?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I trust again?
I printed out a green flag and a red flag list. I threw out what I found physically attractive. I was committed to walking away from a red flag. I refused to wait on a man to decide if we were in a relationship. I refused to use dating apps any further and got active in activities I love
Take time to heal. Just you & your kids
Get involved in something you like.So you can meet someone who likes the same thing. I’m doing volunteer work at a riding club. Because I have always loved having horses. Also get to meet new people.
Give yourself time to be on your own with your kids first.
Honestly if it were me, I would not get involved until you are healed. It only hurts the relationship that you’re trying to pursue. Getting right back into a relationship isn’t healthy anyway!!! You’re a mom; focus on your kids; focus on you. Become the best version of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself to somebody else & you don’t have to ask yourself these questions. Im not trying to be ugly but it’s clear you’re not ready for a relationship if you’re questioning yourself already even with what seems to be a good guy. Stop focusing on meeting somebody when you have 4 kids that need you right now. Take my advice you’ll be glad you did. Good luck momma.
Explain it to him. If he is OK with your insecurities and wants to work with you then go for it! Life’s short be happy!
Get to know him REALLY well before being intimate. Don’t get emotionally attached too soon and always put your children first. A good man will cross land and water for the woman he wants. He won’t leave you guessing and he’ll respect your boundaries. Nothing wrong with be skeptical. He’ll be patient with that as well. Sound too good to be true? Maybe, otherwise he’d be married!
Take your time. There is no rush. He will wait if he’s the right one. Don’t give wifey privileges to bf’s.
I may be young but I been through alot
One ex belittled me so bad I have a image problem with my self that it’s hard to where tank tops out of my home
The other was emotional abuseive and the last was physically
I’d recommend seeing a therapist to help
Take time for just you and your kids. Heal from your last relationship. You are right. Most men do just want a booty call. That’s about all they think about. They’re only sweet till they get what they want. Then they can’t be bothered with you. I know of someone who never married. This person has booty calls, then makes the person a sandwich and sends them on their way. They don’t even stay the night. No strings, no hassles, no abuse, no problems. I wish I had done that. I’ve been married and divorced 5 times. If they weren’t abusive, they were cheaters or were substance abusers that didn’t tip THAT hand until after the rings were on. And I’ve been flirted with since, and it’s been made quite plain to me that it’s all about sex. Never mind that I’m a person. Forget that I have feelings and a brain and a life. No, it’s all about sex. Suggestive comments and out and out sex talk. Which I ignore. I hate it. If the person can’t talk about current events or family stuff, I don’t answer. I have no time for being treated like trash. No these days my life is centered around my kids and my dog. I have an emotional support dog. That’s good enough for me.
Don’t question every person. It’s hard but not every person you come in contact with is bad. I have ptsd from a severe narcissistic but the best thing I ever did was become so strong that now I run shit. Which also gave me the chance to have the most amazing man that I don’t question anything, I’d have ruined that if I thought every man was like the past. Be you, be loving, be upfront, be outspoken.
Go to therapy and take time to heal before getting into a new relationship
Don"t rush back in to anything with a man. Take your time. 3 yrs of abuse needs time to heal and find yourself again.
Set boundaries and SLOOOOOOW down!! If we slow things down we can learn people as they are and see their true intentions.
Trust your instincts.
You’ve already experienced hardship.
You have 4 children to consider as well. It’s not just you anymore.
Vet the hell out of them all if you’re thinking about investing.
Pay attention to every red flag, even the pink
Trust your instints most people think they are seeing someone when they really armt its a shared line that people take too seriously I wouldn’t tell anyone my trauma as I’ve learned the next one will do you more then the last lol
If this is how you feel then give yourself more time for just you, no hurry to get into another relationship
I would say focus on yourself and your kids. Do things you and your kids enjoy. Being in a relationship does not mean you will be happy, happiness comes from within.
You should probably resolve your codependency, and develop some basic things like self esteem and emotional independence with your individual therapist before the two of you even consider if youre an appropriate candidate for a relationship. Stop convincing yourself something external like some fuckin guy… is going to fulfill you
Therapy for yourself. Think about the kids.
Therapy. I kept going from bad relationship to bad relationship bc I was so broken from the abuse. I went to trauma therapy, worked on myself, loved myself, and tried again. Focus on your kids. If you were just in an abusive relationship, trust me, they saw more than you know. Show them that you don’t need someone else. Show them how strong you are. If you don’t deal with this now, trust me, it will get worse. If you just into a new relationship, there can be a lot of resentment. You need time to heal
You may need to take a break and deal with what you’ve been through before getting back on the horse…
I was in a relationship that was toxic for just under 4yrs.
When things were over i thought id b ready to move onto something much better but after online dating a lil bit here n there i got these feelings of not being able to trust etc. Now ive been single for 3yrs and im happy. Im not looking at all. Not talking to anyone. Im taking some much needed ME time and time for my kids… i wana b fully healed or as much as poss. When the time feels right i will date again. Ive always been one to jump straight into another relationship. But it just doesn’t work out well. Goodluck x
Give your self and kids yourself time your time skip relationships for awhile you guys need healing and it does take a while to trust again even if the person talking to is decent to trust
You can’t. Period. They’ve mentally fucked you for life. Unfortunately that will Always be with you especially if they show the same behaviour. Not many people have good intentions. Best bet is not to have anything to do with anyone. I don’t bc I can’t trust anyone. And plus I’m so turned off a relationship or another male bc of the toxic bs. I have zero desire to invest my time in “ good intentions “ when it’s not.
I was with my ex about 8 years. Found out around the end when things were getting very physically abusive and one of his sisters finally broke the family silence, he was diagnosed as narcissistic with sociopathic tendencies as a teen. She burst into tears and begged me to get out before he had a chance to kill me. His brother moved in with us and I barely made it out with his help. He would have to physically intervene by grabbing my ex and dragging him out of the house. I finally had to get the police to remove him. I’ve been there. He still has visitation rights with our son. What I did may not work for everyone, but I did what some call shadow work. I had to take a long hard look at myself and my life. All the way back into childhood. I had to acknowledge a lot of painful things including where the blame could be pointed at me. The red flags I would ignore, the personality traits I seemed drawn to. Where I was broken and trying to fix subconsciously with these abusive men as the one before him was only a little better. I had to work on those broken bits in a much healthier way without someone in my life like that. The biggest issue was not that I couldn’t trust other people, it was that I couldn’t trust myself to really see who a person really was and steer away from the wrong folks. This included family, friends, men and even jobs/employers. I had to learn to see the personality traits and see certain patterns such as love bombing and know the difference between the good stuff that is real and the bad stuff. Then I stuck my toe in and started talking to guys. I wouldn’t go on dates right away. I would make them talk to me for a while. Right off…most would be like forget you and move on. Some would stick around talking to me, but I’d see those patterns pop up and I’d be like…nope…gtfo. Until I found someone. He is genuine, he is great, he is honest , he is patient, he is understanding and so on. He is bothered by something, he says hey…can we talk and we talk. I am bothered by something and I say hey can we talk and we talk. No voices being raised and honestly, we usually end up laughing and joking around but find a solution or understanding together that makes us both happy. We do share our past trauma, but not in the trauma bonding way…more like holy crap I can’t believe I lived this dang we are both bad a$$ survivors. Or hey…I still have triggers in this area so please be patient and understanding and if you could…let me know I am being triggered and acting triggered. It was all worth it. It has been awesome. It is completely different in the best way possible. Maybe reaching out and getting therapy will help you before you go jumping into another relationship attempt. Because you are going to need to heal and learn how to trust yourself first.
First off take your time get to know him. Second while getting to know him go to counseling an fix you. Third it’s OK to be Cautious. I have been in your shoes. Talk to him tell him how you feeling. He will either respect it or he will run. That is your main confirmations. Pace what is right for you. I have been in your shoes. It takes time to push those feelings away. However it never fully goes away. Counseling is a good tool to utilize. It will help you get past. Just remember what happened in one relationship should never reflect what happens in another relationship. I know it’s hard because your on lock down an have a guard up. Just take it nice an slow. If he is the right one it will work out.
honor and trust yourself … the right partner is waiting for you and you’ll know
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It is okay to be single. WAIT!!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I’ve been in your situation. I’m a mom of 4, and my ex was a narcissistic, manipulative, abusive douche bag. I tried leaving over and over and kept getting sucked back in. It ended in a restraining order and me and my kids finally getting our freedom. I said I was done, not dating anymore, I was focusing on myself and my children. About 5 months later, my friend introduced me to a friend of her husband. I automatically thought he was gonna be the same as all the others. When I met him, he told me he wasn’t gonna talk shit, he wasn’t gonna TELL me anything, he would rather show me. Show me he did! We got married 2 months after we started dating. He is the definition of (my) perfect man. I’ve never experienced trust issues with him. He’s never put his hands on me or the kids. He works hard, he’s loving, caring, thoughtful. I have to force him to put himself first most times, because myself and the kids are his priority. In March of this year, we finalized his adoption of my two youngest children. He cries when I’m happy. He cries when I’m sad. As someone said a few comments above, the right partner for you is out there and when you know, you know.
You have to realize this is not the same person . You trust until they give you a reason not to.
STAY SINGLE n find your self no one NEEDS a man to feel whole the right one will show up at he right time
Give the guy a chance or you’ll always wonder.
Leave the men alone cant trust any of them
So talk to the new guy for a while. Be his friend and watch for red flags. If there isn’t any and feelings develop, date him. But just date for a long while. No sense in rushing anything. If and when you feel comfortable talking about what you went through, I highly suggest you do that. But don’t make him, or anyone else, pay for the mistakes of your ex.
Therapy to work on yourself first and to offer a better chance that your children arent subjected to the abusive behavior again.
If he seems to have it all that’s a major . To answer your question on how to trust if people have good intentions… you don’t. Especially when you have 4 children. Don’t let your guard down until you’ve at least known someone for longer than 6 months or even a year. You can’t trust men or anyone… simple as that. Also… when i left my toxic relationship i did not get into a relationship for almost 3 years… ya i went on dates and stuff but never got into a serious relationship until waaaay later because i too was very damaged from the toxicity of my ex. You don’t need a relationship anyways. Use this time to have fun with your kids and only focus on them. They’re only young for so long. Men are not a priority over your kids!!
And don’t lead him on if you aren’t sure.
Take the time to focus on healing instead of a relationship.
Go and find out that’s the only way to find out.
Since you are unsure, don’t form a serious relationship too soon. You may just be wrapped up in the feel goods right now.
Since you are insecure, which I don’t blame you, take your time to get to know this person and find out what he’s all about. Take it slow. Perhaps seeing a counselor is in your best interest either now or later on.
If you were in an abusive relationship and did not get domestic violence counseling you may want to consider it. You have to learn how to love and respect yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship with anyone else. And especially with kids in the picture, you have to make sure you can model the right relationships for them going fwd. If you are questioning this guys intentions now you will probably continue to question them and that will doom the whole relationship before it can even go anywhere. Work on loving you and build a life with your kids that is fulfilling with or without a guy in it. Also build a check list of things you do and don’t want in a relationship. That helped me a lot when it came to dating and helped me make better decisions. You need a list of things that are absolute no items, absolute yes items and you can have another list for things that are bonuses or things that you may or may not be open to. Example: preferred no but might be okay if the right circumstances were there.
I feel your pain, I found the want to take you immediately to the bedroom, I’m not going to be anyone’s sperm bank
Take time to enjoy you! Don’t get involved for at least 6 months and do not get physical. God bless
Stop looking for another relationship until you are more healed. Get some counseling work on yourself when the time is right the right guy will come along.
Seek therapy and stick to it, take time to heal and go with your gut.
Therapy first. Spend time with your children. Feel good about yourself before getting involved with anybody else now.