How do I approach my parents about them favoring a grandchild?

How do I approach my parents about them favoring one grandchild over the other? And how do I explain that to my three-year-old? She always asks to see my parents- but it’s me asking them, and it’s always an excuse as to why it’s not ok. But then I get photos of my nephew (who is also 3) who is over all the time. He goes on vacations with them, they let him sleep over, and he’s over there a few times a week. But my daughter sees her grandparents maybe once a month, and that’s only if I reach out and ask them if they want to see her. My parents are older, and my daughter has a TON of energy. (She might have ADHD). She’s not bad, but she keeps you on your toes, and they have been very vocal about that. I just hate being looked at as the bad guy with my daughter because I tell her, “no, grandma and grandpa are busy.” I have to tread lightly in confronting my parents, or it starts a family rift. I just hate seeing how much my baby loves her grandparents, but she’s treated differently compared to her cousin. Any advice?
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I once went through this with my husbands family and our oldest son. His mother didn’t like me and would frequently take it out on our son by withholding attention. My son and my sil son are about 10 months apart. Growing up (they’re teens now) they liked the same things, wore the same sizes etc. my mil took us out (my son and I) to pick out clothes and toys etc that he liked. She didn’t drive so I drove her to the store. She took my son through the store having him pick out all kinds of things. He was so excited!! We then drove home and my son had to watch while she gave everything to my nephew. My husband lost it and told her point blank that if they were going to treat our son like that, then they didn’t need to be part of our lives. We now have 4 children together and my mil passed away before my 3rd and 4the were born. Thankfully my two eldest have fond memories of her. I wish I could tell you things have changed but sadly not by much. We only see my in laws once every couple of years yet my sil children are seen daily. We have since moved out of state to be closer to my family. My advice is sadly, cut your losses. This way your daughter won’t notice she’s being treated differently. Either way, good luck to you!

You need to confront them ask to meet them for coffee and explain how it is hurting your daughter, if they refuse then ask them not to mention having other child over or that they not send photos. Convey to them that you will no longer allow your child to be treated differently. Talk to the other child’s parents tell them what you see happening and how it is affecting your child

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I approach my parents about them favoring a grandchild?

If you have to beg them it isn’t worth it. It’s their loss.

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It was really hard. We just accepted it and moved on! Not worth it! It’s their loss!

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Trust me… it’s their loss not yours!!!

My parents are the same, they see my sister’s boys almost weekly but have met my 10mth old a hand full of times.

I don’t bother, it’s :100: their loss.
But if you really want to say something… then also, you are the only voice for your child, stand up to them and call them out on it… they will get over it eventually.

I did point it out to my parents multiple times when my son was younger (hormones got the better of me lol) but it never changed anything, they still don’t bother.

It’s their lost that they don’t want to be around their granddaughter. So do what my mother did when my father side of the family didn’t want to deal with me at all. Every single achievement your baby girl makes take a pic and always remind them you wasn’t there and you wasn’t gonna beg them to be there.

I had to accept it my sister’s kids were always & still are favoured.
Even though my kids think the world of their grandparents. Not worth the hassle.

I have an almost 5yr old daughter and a 6mo old son an my mother always asks to have my daughter on weekends an i for sure do not want my son to grow up feeling left out so sometimes i have to say you get both or neither to make it fair an also helps to make a stronger bond between them as well, the less time they spend together the easier it is for them to just not have a relationship w them at all

Listen let me tell you what it is it’s YOU my mother has a favorite child my sister so her favorite g child is my nephew it really used to make me mad but not anymore my son is a mommas boy anyway but I’m blunt I used to come right at her neck about it my gmom took my babies

It’s there loss. When she is older she will know and understand who was there for her.

Was talking about adults being so judgmental against a one-year-old but even being so judgmental to your own family I mean my gosh when does it end?! Smh so sad!!

Exactly a question I was thinking of

As a new grandma to 2 boys I can tell you that if you have to keep asking the grandparents if they want to see their granddaughter then I would stop. Let them see that you are done giving out information about their granddaughter to someone who isn’t invested in her life. It’s not your responsibility to keep them posted on her life if they want to be a part of it let them make an effort. I can assure you once they see you are no longer pursuing them to spend time with they will ask you what’s the matter then it’s your opportunity to let them know the reason you backed off.

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As a grandparent raising a grandchild it get difficult to spread that time out and care for a spirited child thats hard to care for so yes the kids that are easier to care for get more time i feel guilty about it but ive noticed as they grow they get easier to look after maybe that will happen for her plus kids that are harder to handle with aging grandparents dont always get treated nicely id give it some time also explain to the kid that grandma and grandpa cant care for them properly right now

Walk away when she is older she will see it for herself. My in-laws favor my oldest child over my youngest child and made it quite obvious. They are now 28 and 20 and neither one of them has anything to do with their grandmother. (Their grandfather died)

Their loss, as other ppl said, you don’t have to beg for love for your daughter, cut ties with them, it might hurt you and your daughter now, but it’s better now than later

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Unfortunately you cant force them into it, and that sucks. Maybe talk to your siblings and see if maybe they could cut back some and leave some grandparent time for your kiddo?

Maybe your daughters energy is too much for them if they’re older? Can you both go over so you’re the one “on your toes” and they can hopefully just enjoy her company and her theirs? Invite them for tea once a week or fortnight at your house.

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Does your daughter see her other grandparents? If so let spend more time with them. I wouldn’t push to see them. That’s awful though!

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I just tell mine the truth.

My husbands mother favors his older kids with his ex over my kids, she specifically said “I don’t lose any sleep at night not knowing your kid.” (When there was just one and I’m not even sure she is aware we have another.) we cut her out at that point and my kids have never met her. It’s better this way. They won’t know what that kind of rejection feels like. They don’t deserve it and she doesn’t deserve to know them anyway :woman_shrugging:t4:

I say don’t tread lightly. You don’t have to be harsh, but you child deserves you to speak on her behalf. This will cause emotional trauma. So I say you tell them to make the changes now while she is young enough to allow new memories of being important to them, and just as loved. Or they can see her occasionally on your terms. Just because they are our parents that doesn’t give them the right to hurt our children.

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I hate to say but maybe reach out more? You need to discuss it without expectations. It isn’t right for them to treat the children differently, or invest more into one than another, but it may not seem that easy from their perspective.
Also, if she’s a rambunctious child she might be more high spirited than they can handle. My son is like that, not everyone was able to take him without me because he’s a handful, but my daughter was so calm and well behaved none of her grandparents ever needed special accommodations to take her to do things. They’re old, not all kids are the same, and if they can’t handle it I’d rather they not take him because HE won’t be safe. Same goes for your parents. It’s doesn’t make it right to give one more quality time than another, but if that’s the case and they’re just unequal to the task, they should figure out a way to maintain the same caliber relationship with your child as they do your nephew, even if it’s done by different means. Also remember it’s not the quantity of the time it’s the quality of the time.

Have her call them herself an let them tell her no instead of you. An sometimes a rift needs to happen to get a point across. Say how an what you feel you’re the only person who can speak for your babies :heart:

I wouldn’t tread lightly I would have a very open conversation about how it makes you feel and how you believe your daughter feels, allow their input as to say if im wrong help me understand. Speak very confidently and own everything you say. But make it safe for them to by saying something like my intentions aren’t to upset anyone but being honest I’m upset. If it doesn’t work then I say their loss.

At the end of the day their loss not yours. Your daughter deserves the same love and respect as your nephew. It hurts but at the end of the day the only one hurting is your child cut ties

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I agree that you can’t force it, but have you had a sincere conversation with them about how you are feeling? They might not be aware that they are causing hurt feeling.

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My partner and I are both the first born grandchildren, and we still get special treatment in our mid 20s and early 30s. But, honestly if they are struggling to make an effort at 3 they are going to struggle for the rest of life. Personally we aren’t family if I can’t call up 5 min out letting you know I’m coming or just rocking up and being welcome.

All I can say is, you are the advocate for your child at all times. And if something is bother them or upsetting them then it’s your job to speak up for them. She doesn’t deserve to subjected to that, whether intentional or not. If they don’t want to be present for her then remove the option all together, not like they are making the effort either way but point it out at the same time. She deserves better, and so do you.

I don’t think you should tread lightly. You’re an advocate for your daughter no matter who’s at the receiving end. Maybe you can go over with her since she’s “busy” because she may be too much for them alone since they’re older. Or maybe have them come to your house and stay the night. Your daughter may act differently if she’s around her own things. Hope it works out for everyone.

I feel ur pain I would still ask for an explanation I would want to know the reason tho what can be so bad u punish a child who just wants to be loved it’s not fair ur poor daughter the grandparents we have in our lives just don’t want anything to do with any of our kids we don’t beg n the kids don’t even ask to see them no more it’s so damn sad I could never be like this towards my kids or future grandchildren

I wouldn’t answer phone calls text anything. Just enjoy your time with you lil one. It will open your eyes and more so theirs. Its hard to explain to lil kids. But do your best.

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My mother was like that it’s was my sister she manipulated my mother like you wouldn’t believe. It’s either your brother or or sister doing it . My sister also in secret manipulated my mother into signing her house over to her . It all starts when there little I know your feeling confront the sibling who is doing it . The one playing poor me so they can party or what ever because they will play your parents like my sister did

I don’t talk to my grandmother because of this she favorite my older sister so as I got older I was fixk her I don’t need her in my life

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I know what you mean, my mum never had time for my boys, my neice was the special one, i cut all ties with her, she even suggested i change my sons name, i called him ciaran, she said it sounded like keyring, if u have to beg them to be in her life then its their loss, its totally unfair, but some families only bother about certain family members x

They will cause a riff in the family to get what they want when your parents are gone .

Jus get her some extra activities outside of home i.e cheerleading swimming lessons just to take her mind of the attention she’s not getting

Honestly I don’t let my little boy stay anywhere really because he can be a lot to handle and I don’t trust anyone to treat him like I would when he’s having a hard time, getting overly excited, etc. I wouldn’t push them because they just may not be able to handle her and I wouldn’t want my child anywhere that he’s not wanted regardless of who else gets to stay or do whatever. Every child is different and will be treated differently even if it’s hard to understand :disappointed: you sound like a great mama and I just hope things gets better for you when it comes to this situation :heart:

Have you tried to talk to them or the parents of that cousin… see if they help talk to your parents about that… that sad my child have no grandparents in his life even thou one set only lives ten minutes away but he barely knows them it very sad!

If spending time with Grandma and Grandpa is important to your daughter then make it happen. It may have to be with you involved in the visits until they see that they can handle her on their own. Schedule visits with planned activities that will keep her focus and invite them to your house more. Sometimes kids do better in their own environment. Let them see how awesome she truly is! I don’t suggest cutting ties until all scenarios have been exhausted. They may just know their limitations, not everything is so black and white. Try to work as a team.

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If your parents are older . They have told you that your daughter is high energy. Tell your dr… maybe ADHD. I have a grandson that is 2 yrs old. I can’t handle him. Too much energy, and if I can’t keep up, he can get hurt. Maybe that’s why. Definitely see him all the time my daughter brings him over. Just continue to go there with your daughter. And visit.

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Is this your parents or dads? My mom has my 3 over any chance she can vs my brothers 2. Why? She said one day " kids are for most part they moms kids, so with my daughters kids I feel comfortable I know I can help parent them and my son’s kids I just feel their mom would not appreciate me that involved"

I had a frank conversation with my mother with out being confrontational. She favored my niece of my son (who has high functioning autism). It was just her and I. I asked her what could I do to help spend adequate time with my son? Her response was I don’t know how to handle him. I said how about when you want to get together with him I come along and help you. She got to see ND understand how to handle him. Know she will take hom on outings without me. But first we see how is day is in the morning. You just need to find away to talk to them. But remember it they say it’s because she’s to busy for them don’t get upset just come up with a an to help them.

Their loss. Went thru it myself. I dont lie to my kid rather just show him it hurts me just like it hurts him. And some things just can’t be explained. He will notice and form his own opinion. The older they get the more they’ll notice just reassure him or her that is not their fault and nothing they did to cause it…

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can really say or do that will change it. My mother was the same way would flat out refuse to even consider over night stays because she was sure the kids would cry and she didn’t want to deal with crying kids… it’s been 4 years since I’ve seen or spoken to my mother after my older sister and younger sister had kids and I saw how those conditions only applied to mine.

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This situation really sucks. My kids have multiple grandparents and it is the same with all of them. Honestly though maybe she is better off. I just hope when she actually does spend time with her, they don’t treat her like a burden. My kids also always get upset with me when I make excuses for their grand parents. They think its me not letting them go. I don’t even ask anymore for my kids to go over. The answer is always no anyways :woman_shrugging:

My mother and mil are the same, I haven’t bothered with them for years.

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My children have been ignored by both my husbands family, and mine. We just let them know it was their (their grandparents) loss and they will always be able to come to mom and dad. We are all they need. I would cut all communication with them. If they care they will reach out, and hopefully apologize. If they don’t… Well then you and your baby are better off without them.

Unfortunately this is a lost cause. I would explain to them how you feel. I’ve literally dealt with this my whole life now my kids are dealing with it. Its heart breaking. Keep your head up and just keep doing what your doing your daughter will grow up and notice things her self.

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My dad was like this and I stopped calling one day. It opened his eyes a lot and he asked me why and I told him that if you don’t put in the effort to know your grandchildren then that’s on you. And since then he calls and visits with them more and more.

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At the end of the day, you need to realize that she is probably too much for them. And come to terms with the fact that, that is okay and that they aren’t actually favoring the other child.
Busy children are a lot to handle for people that have not had to deal with it on a daily basis.
The most important thing is that you as her mother make sure she always knows how much she is loved.

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If your child is more than they can handle, you should be ok with things, you don’t want there to stress for them or possibly your daughter if she was to sense frustration. I wouldn’t take it personal, some kids are just a little easier to deal with than others and that’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with your child or parents, I think it’s just an “it is what it is” situation. When your baby is a little older things will probably get better. I have a 4 yr old that is a handful and I don’t let him stay anywhere without me, cuz I know he can be a bit much to some ppl.

I brought this up to my mom. Bc it seems my Niece (who my mom basically took over since she was a baby, she’s 12 now.) and my nephew he’s 6. He’s ALWAYS at my moms. I have 5 kids. I know a bit much to handle (9,7,5,4,2). My 2yr old is a hell raiser. My oldest is type 1 diabetic. So it’s hard to deal with them. But I explained it seems she never wants my kids or it’s an issue. I said why not take 1 child per day off or per every other weekend off and do something. My kids feel left out. They don’t even talk to my husbands parents. We live like 5 minutes from each but we barely ever talk so we don’t worry about them wanting to see them. But when my mom is in my life. I feel like she needs to be in my kids too. Even if there is more of them. And my nephew is over enough he knows to settle down. My kids are basically wild and free. But know and need to remember respect for others homes. Then it seems I have to “parent” the my nephew bc his dad is a pos and could give 2 fucks less about him and his mom works but doesn’t want to pick him up when it’s Time. There’s been days where neither have asked about him. I should’nt have to parent another kid when he has his own parents. I don’t mind having him over but he’s not mine. Take care of what’s yours! Bring it up about alternating them?

I’m sorry this happens but if their acting like that they don’t deserve to see your creation also I wouldn’t want my child being around then because that’s when people start doing crazy stuff not saying that’ll happen to your child

You don’t explain it to a 3 yr old…

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If they are older and your child is high energy…that can be a bit much for them. I don’t think it’s meant to be hurtful, but maybe they can handle only so much. Why not change your mindset?! Have her visit and STAY to help with those moments that maybe overwhelming. Plan vacations and outings with your household and your parents.

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My grandmother was like that she had 6 grandchildren but only showed 1 (her 1st) any attention, affection or take places like camping, amusement parks movie etc… My sister was that child and the rest if us didn’t matter. All I have to say is you can’t change them my mom tried. 2 years ago my grandmother passed and only one grandchild spoke if her at her service and the rest of us where there only because we wanted to support our father (her son in law ) who had to show up. My best advice is not to force them to include your child. Your child is better off with just occasionally visitting

As a grandchild who grew up with grandparents playing favoritism it isn’t very nice and can be very hurtful to a young child. Speak with your parents about it. If things don’t change then I suggest no communication with them unless they reach out to you first. And pics of your nephew don’t count. No grandchild should have to grow up feeling less loved than their cousins.

Point out to your parents that when your daughter gets older, she’ll notice. If it’s breaking your heart seeing it now, imagine how she’ll feel. If her other set of grandparents are around, have her spend time with them, if that’s not an option, adopt a set of grandparents. You should ask your parents why they feel your nephew deserves them more than your daughter. There are ways they can spend time and form a bond with her, without them having to do all of the work watching her.

I went through something similar with my in laws.
My advice is just don’t bother, let them do the asking. And when you say no they’ll ask why.
Your daughter wont be affected as much as you think, she’ll remember who was there for her and who wasn’t
They have got to understand. Ask why they seem to favour more of your nephew.
Make a stand for your daughter

My daughter and son both have ADHD bad it harder on us moms when we have no help or brake

You make time for who and what’s important to you. It’s that simple🤷🏼

I’m dealing with that now… my son is soon to be 17months… my MIL and FIL don’t text, call about my son… have seen him maybe 4 times since January. But it never exceeds 1 hour. They havent hugged him in almost a year. Yet they babysit there granddaughters 5-7days a week, go months without seeing my son. They live 10mins away, my MIL works 1.1 miles from my house and has yet to ask to see my son, and tells the family I don’t bring my son there (and she’s right I don’t and I won’t if she cannot bother to stop after work, send a text, pick up the phone and ask how he’s doing then why should I even bother ) every one tells me it’s there lose… but thats just it… its not…
It’s all our lose.
My mans relationship with his family is strained because of this
My son will think he doesn’t matter and I grew up like that I refuse to have him feel the way I did. So this brings back painful memories for me. And as much as I say I won’t bother I try again and again to have them in his life and I get my feelings hurt everytime. I’ve talked to my in laws, I’ve tried to be the better person and yet I’m told " the girls need us and this is how our life will be " so sometimes being real and honest isn’t work it

when she goes to visit stay there also and if you see her becoming a handful you can step in.

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Wish I had advice for you my mother In law is same way I have 3 kids and the other grandkids are always around her she is always at their prties but has never been to any of my kids parties

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She’s better off without people who are going to treat her that way, she will start to notice their favouritism on her own and it’s not going to be a nice realisation for her! I went through the same with my grandparent and it’s disgusting to watch people who are suppose to love you give that love to other family members but chose not to give it to you the same way. I wish they’d of been kept out of my life because not having them will always be better than the rejection from them!

If you think she may have ADHD then I suggest you get her an iron profile blood test done, i will guarantee it will be low, once treated you will notice an improvement in her behaviour x

I’d tell them how it’s making you both feel and I wouldn’t do it lightly if they couldn’t see that it’s hurting you both then id pull back and don’t bother with them… and let them see it’s from the other way around she’s got all she’s needs and that’s you xx

You doont want to case a riff in the family .But its happening anyway.Your daughter will not have a bond with them and as she gets older wont want to go there.
So sad when this happens and its moore common then you think.

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My girls were the grandkids neither grandmother care for… while they make sure they both are in other grandkids lives… now my girls are 21,19&18 and can care less for them…

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My parents left me to figure it out with time, I don’t know if it’s the best course of action, I realized I wasn’t the favorite when my nana gifted my cousin that grew up to be a pedo druggie a Nintendo DS, tv, first car, expensive vacations, and I never went on a trip, and received the same Costco socks every year, we were gifted in front of each other to boot. If they are anything like me they certainly won’t see you as the bad guy! The craving to visit people who don’t like you wears off with age.

Confront ur parents bc that’s bullshit (obviously make amends later). Children can just tell when they aren’t wanted around… But yeah call them out!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I approach my parents about them favoring a grandchild?

Stop reaching out. Sad to say it but you will save yourself and your daughter a lot of heartache if you accept how they are now.

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You’re doing fine. I would keep my distance from them too though… don’t accept my child,I’m outta there

Call them out straight up!!! Don’t tip toe around the bush.

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Talk with your sibling whos Child they favor and just say how u feel but confiding in them and see if they can talk to your parents about equality

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I’m right there with you!! Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It’s sad

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My parents are the same I just make sure my kid knows she always has me and I try and take her to do fun stuff to keep that kinda stuff off her mind if she’s to busy having fun with mom she won’t think about how much better her cousin gets treated or how much more time they get with the grandparent eventually they will see for themselves and decide what to do about it.

If the child is a handful, she might be too much for older folk

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You should take her to see her grandparents when you are available to stay there with her and help out. If she is hyperactive then it is probably difficult for them to keep up. It’s really your job to make sure she sees them. They have already expressed that she is too much for them to handle alone.

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Speaking from experience, my youngest was adhd, it’s a lot to expect someone to handle. Even when they aren’t “bad”, they are still a lot. Especially someone older and who isn’t accustomed to it. My parents did a lot but there were also many times I kept him back so they could do they usual.
Now, as a grandma myself, I can’t get the hyper kiddos like they wish. I can’t be on all the time. It’s too much, and I raised one myself, so I know what it’s about.
It’s not about fair or level of love. Sometimes it is simply about ability, mentally and physically.

I would talk to them

Id stop reaching out just because if they don’t enjoy having her, Id not put her in the position to be treated poorly or having to be made to feel that they don’t enjoy having her. Id also be hesitant to leave her alone there while the favorited children are present for her to have to feel the difference. Id shield her from that toxicity.

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I grew up with favoritism my mother pay with my sister over me she also David all of her grandchildren over my children

As the wife with the new kids, I feel this on a personal letter. My in-law’s favored my step-son when he was little. I tried to fight for my kids and so did my husband. We ended up giving up and the grandmother who lives 30 minutes away and comes to bingo 2 blocks from our house might see our kids twice a year. My kids are older now and they can see how screwed up it is, so they don’t even care.

That’s horrible I would freak, they need to treat them equally or they get cut off as parents and grandparents

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My parents are the same way. My daughter is 2 and they are always buying her stuff and it upsets me because they also have my son whose 12

I try to have good relationships with all my grandkids I try they all have there own personalities or their age group you treat them different because they are none of my grandkids come over too much I miss them i had 3 come over before but i kicked their grandpa (who had been abusive in past /… ) who i divorced along time ago out of MY house Now those grandkids dont come over My ex told an older grandson to get the f out when my oldest (his brother) was here from Navy Now they have nothing to do with me I hate it!!! I love my kids and All my grandkids It is hard for me but I know they are all ok And that helps me deal with missing them

That’s not on you that’s on them, yeah it’s crap having to tell your kid that someone they like is busy but unfortunately it’s part of life, some people are just useless.

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Tell them how you feel…why tiptoe around it if it hurting you

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Sounds like she’s just too much for them to truly handle by what you are saying. You may call it “high energy” or adhd or whatever, but she’s still a handful :woman_shrugging:

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It makes no sense confronting anyone because my baby is going to be 8 and still she’s not a favourite … All others have been treated to the best but she was always excluded … You made your baby for you … She’s your pride your joy and your happiness . she’s not fb … Don’t look for likes . you will see for yourself one day when you put her with them … You gonna see the difference and its gonna hurt you like hell but worst of all is when she starts to understand and figure out they don’t like her as much … She’s gonna cry and then you will wish for that moment to disappear … Your heart will bleed … Trust me … Keep your baby with you and safe … She’s better off that way

As a grandma of five, It devastates me to read your post - it is unfair and cruel . Children are not stupid - they pick up nuances far earlier than we give them credit for . Take the bull by the horns and ask for a family meeting, without the kiddies present . If they find your little one energetic- there are so many activities to do where she can run, play, let off steam … this will lead to a rift between the cousins as well - which will be so sad. I work so hard at ensuring absolute inclusivity with my five . The bond between a grandparent and grandchild is a very special one, and your child deserves that too .

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me to litol abi, just go to tita Marj house she will buy u ootd

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as an aunt to a hyperactive kid, this is on your parents. when you want to be part of your grandkids life you do it. end of story.

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I feel that the parent of the child also has to take in account of how the child acts in the home. Some children can be calm band not destroy things while others are uncontrollable. Remember your parents were parents before you and they are older and value things that they have for years. Some kids can be destructive while others can contain their energy better. It in no way means the grand parents favor one over the other. I am sure they are both loved.

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