How do I care for a child that is not mine?

Being that the kids parents are doing well with co-parenting him and you are now a part of that equation, all 3 of you should be able to sit down and talk about what’s best for that teen. Also when he is in YOUR home he should absolutely have to respect you (he is a teenager and that won’t always happen), you should be able to discipline him as one of your own and his parents should be ok with that. If that means taking away a cell phone, computer or whatever as punishment. It takes a village and your fiancé should be on board with all of you parenting step children and that goes for your fiancé parenting your kids as well. It’s hard blending families, I’ve been with my husband for 12 years now and he has 3 kids from previous marriage and I have 2. It’s hard. Patience is a must as well as mutual respect … Wishing you luck :four_leaf_clover:

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If mom and dad co-parent well, then I would ask to sit down with them both (and a step-dad if there is one in the picture) and everyone come up with a parenting plan that works for everyone. If your fiancé is comfortable with discipline when it relates to your children, you should be comfortable with discipline when it comes to his child. You’re a blended family.

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Let me get this straight. He will discipline your sons, but not his own? I would rethink this marriage until this changes. I was once married to a man who had no problem giving my children punishment that amounted to abuse, but let his kids get by with murder. My kids went through hell till I found it out. Then I got the hell out. More bad things were happening, but I won’t go into that here. I got the hell out and away from him. I got a divorce and made sure he never came near me again. Have a talk with this man. Tell him if he can’t control his kid, to leave yours alone. And if he doesn’t take his kid in hand, leave.

You love it like it’s your own. Not sure there’s any other way…:heart:

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My thought is that if you and your fiance can’t agree on this situation how will it work out, once married, when other difficult situations may crop up?

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Why would you try and discipline someone else’s child?

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treat him the same way you treat your own kids… it’s the law around my house with a blended family… you mess up your getting it… just like the rest…

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It always seems to be like this. They can discipline our kids, but we can’t there’s. And the step kids pick up on that, and take advantage of that fact if they can. Boundaries need to be set, before it gets worse. These are always difficult situations, but if you don’t talk to your fiancé about it, it’ll just continue. You’ll end up feeling resentful. If you speak your mind, at least you know you’ve tried to convey how it affects you. If he continues to allow his child to disrespect you, you have to decide what’s best for you and your kids. Good luck!

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The fact that you have been in a relationship with this child’s father for 5 years and you’re getting ready to get married and this is the first time you decided to address these issues is quite concerning. When you choose a parent you choose their children as well and you cannot blend into a happy functioning real family if it’s still his kids and your kids before or after marriage I’m a step parent I grew up in a house with a step parent but I would have never known they were my step parent and my kids(even the 1"s I didn’t birth) would tell you that they’ve never felt like a stepchild. Really should have addressed this issue long before now because if you don’t love his son as much as you love your own that’s an issue. And if it’s always going to be your children and his children it’s not going to work either because when you become a family it’s ours and we not me and I and mine

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Yea leave if your not respected already what will a ring do

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He is a teenager. They are all like that

I get paid over $ 125 per hour w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 19146 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is limitless.
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You have the right to teach him right from wrong in front of your children when he’s being disrespectful absolutely. If dad don’t like it. Then he should had done something. But after u do scold him be sure to Tex his mom n let her know. Making a video is better …proves your story

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But the marriage on hold and put your foot down so u can see true colors.

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Don’t get married until he is 18. This won’t improve.

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I’d stay out of it. He’s a teen now! If you don’t want your fiance disciplining your children tell him not to. It should go both ways. But this child is a teen now and going to be going through some stuff and things. I would stay out of it and just support your fiance with his decisions and if you disagree with them you talk to your fiance ONLY about it and he should take care of it. It’s so much easier when they’re younger for a step parent to help parent but teenage years are rough. And not your place to decide if he’s old enough for a phone or not.

If this man wont support you on this issue the marriage will already be set up for failure because the child is already knowing he will be able to act a certain way and he will be a issue for your relationship…which could destroy it …good luck

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I can’t tell you what to do, this is a discussion that you should have with his father and bio mom. But me personally, if I was in this situation, I would put my foot down. IDGAF who the parents are when you’re in MY house you will respect me. People say that step parents should treat their bonus children as they treat their biological children which is true. But they have to accept the good with the bad. If you’re good enough to take the child places, spend money on them and take care of them when they are in your home, you should also be able to discipline them. :woman_shrugging:t4:

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Soooo what have you done in the 5 years you’ve been with your partner and had his son around? Not put rules in place at your home at all in 5 years? This is very odd that it’s coming up this far into relationship by now there should be some ground rules set by you for all the kids…your partners son included in your household and that should apply to everyone… I don’t get what makes him different? Yes he’s a teen but if ya gotta discipline then do so. Also…he’s a teen now let the phone thing go that was when he was 8…

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If he can discipline yours, why can’t you discipline his? If you’re going to be married, y’all need to be a unit. If his dad can’t be on the same page with you, that’s what you have to look forward to your next kids acting like.

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When my niece is around, or my daughter’s bestfriend (family friends daughter) I discipline them all the same. I tell them what to do, I tell them when they need to go to bed, get off their devices, do chores, when another kid is here they can join my kid in what they need to do. Equality :wink:

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Do you really want to get into that drama… ur kids against his?

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You have to stand your ground. He’s going to be your son. Forget the step part, treat him like you treat your son’s.

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You have been with him for 5 years and now going to get married but you both discipline your own kids did you guys not have this conversation when you guys got engaged or was talking bout moving in together.This is something that should have been delt with before now.When your with someone that has children and you move in or get engaged ECT.your putting yourself in a place to love and care for all children involved not just your own.Your in a place where your responsible for the other children and your going to love them and care for them as your own.If you or both of you didn’t or don’t want that then live separately because it’s going to hurt the children involved and will have a negative impact on your relationship.Its either your all family and same rules and consequences apply to all or nothing

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You will be living in the same household as your stepson. It doesn’t matter who’s kid it is … you are an adult, and he is not. He needs to respect you as an adult, and as a fellow human being. I would say you need to respect yourself enough not to tolerate him being abusive toward you. Your fiance needs to reinforce that. You and your fiance are getting married, and will hopefully have a long lasting relationship … long after the stepson has moved out & moved on with his life … but the stepson will never have any respect for you if you don’t respect yourself. Even though he is a teenager now, and probably hates everything & everyone … etc … he might not show it now, but as an adult in a few years, he will have more respect for you if you treat him like you actually care about him. Parents who care, discipline.

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Imaybe the 4 of you should sit down together in casual setting like picnic or something and just chat about what’s going on and how it can be fixed. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help teen adjust easier. It’s been 5 years so there’s no excuse really for father or son to disregard your feelings. You may not want to step on parenting toes, but you absolutely have right to stick up for yourself. Asking respect isn’t getting inway if their co-parenting. But neither of them correcting him for the way he’s acting is directly interfering with your soon to be marriage.
Teens are moody, I get it. I have teen boy too. But future husband not backing you up is problem in YOUR relationship no matter the kid!
Best of luck

Family counseling fast

It’s not your son. As much as you want you don’t have control over him. You need to work with dad to set up boundaries, house rules then you both have to enforce them equally with your own kids. If that’s not possible this relationship isn’t going to last.

My kids got their first phones at 6,7&9. Everyone has their own opinions on it. But nobody’s opinion matters except mine. I’m the parent. Same with you. You’re not his parent. Unless his parents are making you pay for his phone you don’t get a say. I get that it makes it hard on you with your kids. You just have to explain to them why you made your decision for them. It’s not going to be easy since almost every school aged child has a phone or tablet now. That makes you the minority

I’ve seen comments about “he is not your son” but I beg to differ on that when you marry someone who has children they become yours as well - they will be just as much your responsibility as the actual parents. He treats yours as his own with the discipline and such so why should you not do the same with his child they all belong to each of you whether biologically or not they will be both of yours kids when you are married. Sit down with your future husband and discuss this before marrying bc if you don’t you could have issues down the road from misunderstandings between the 3 of you. Better to do things now instead of regretting not doing them later. Neither of you are step anything you are an added bonus parent to each others children.

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when you took that man you took his child… that child is now yours… treat him like he is… I was married to a man with 2 kids… those kids were my kids even if I didn’t give birth to them. when we added our own kids to the mix I didn’t change the way I treated his…

Have you talked to the mother? Obviously you are about to become a permanent fixture in the family, and you should be able to have a say…tell her what’s going on with her son. Do you have any relationship with her?

If you are too cautious discipline him, and dad just sends him to room, nothing will change. maybe it is time you talk to his dad and mom about how would they feel if you step up to discipline as dad won’t.

if his dad won’t team up with you/don’t marry into this issue

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Beep, beep! Trouble ahead.

I get paid over $ 125 per hour w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 22587 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is limitless.
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Don’t get in that mess…unless his dad makes a stand this will never get better…if you go ahead and get married this kid will shit on you until he is grown

Maybe instead of discipline it should be a discussion. The kid already has 2 parents and is having some kind of issue (according to you) so why would you think a step parent squawking at them would make a difference? Or make the kid accept you or like you? It won’t. Just talk to the kid.

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You, him and dad need to sit down together and have a heart to heart. Your husband to-be needs to have your back and you guys need to find some even ground rules.
No, he’s not your son, but he is one of your kids… you’ll never have the same bond as you do with the kids you made but you can have a respectful relationship with him. He is in your house, part of your family and you are one of his parents so he needs to learn to respect you and have the same rules as the other kids. I have a teen step son and two younger daughters… I treat them all accordingly to their age and I expect respect from each of them in return.

Me and my husband both have a 8 year old outside of our marriage along with 2 of our own together. They all get disciplined equally depending on age, we both have a say is what any of the kids need to do, and we communicate outside of the room to see what we want to do prior to making the punishment spending on if we are both present at that time. If one of us is not home, they will get punished and the we will call each other to let each other know what’s happened and what was done.

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You need to discuss blending the family and what each other’s roles will be and how involved and what type of discipline will be used in the combined household. Get this settled before you get married and legally entangled.

Only have him around when the dad is home. Let the dad deal with it.

Could it possibly have gotten worse toward the wedding date? All children no matter what the situation deeply desire their parents back together, sometimes subconsciously.,if this is the case,he needs to realize that you guys feel this is what’s best for him & everyone involved. seems a good understanding all the way around is in order before you walk down the isle., maybe possibly a councilor for everyone & if you haven’t lately or much,do something together, as a family more often…idk… hope this helps. :rose:

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When you get married, and there are children involved, it supposed to become a blended family. All children get treated the same, disciplined when they are wrong, etc. If you have to walk on egg shells around his kid, but he can discipline your children, well, that goes both ways. I would definitely have a sit down conversation with your soon to be husband, and talk about this situation. It’s going to be a big part of your marriage !! If it were me, I would have discussed it a long time ago, when the relationship started.

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I always say your house you have the same rules for all kids under that roof even guest.

I always tell my son that if we go to someone’s house you need to listen and follow their house rules.

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Unfortunately you are right not your place to correct SS but right to that you have two other sons that it’ll affect and you all need to come to some liveable relationship and family rules that you all live by. That means rules apply to all 3 of your kids. Maybe a sit down chat where you discuss and develop rules with whole family and consequences that are suited to the situation amongst the whole families contribution. The rebellious period will hit in and so you and your partner has to work together or all 3 of your kids will play you. Need to have a chat with your partner. You can accept the child as your own but regardless he probably won’t see it that way but that does not mean he isn’t a family member. I tried, failed and still considered the outsider even though they are adults because my husband wouldn’t support me. I hope it works differently as blended families can work if you all work together. Love :heart:

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Do not marry this man it will only escalate from here.

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Why don’t you ask to speak to both of his bio parents about it? Maybe his mom might have some insight or some suggestions. You are all one team. I would try that first. Reach out to his mom. Maybe explaining the situation to her between the two of you, you can work out a plan of discipline that works for ALL of the children.

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Speak to the mother if you get along OK, tell her how you feel. If it carries on I’d be saying you either show some respect or don’t come round x

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Teenage years are really really hard. I’m in the throes of it.

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His father needs to stand up for what is important to you before you marry. Otherwise he will do what he wants… and what about your sons? They will see the double standard.

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If your fiancée disciplines your kids then you have the right to discipline his teenage son, your small kids are watching not inly
You but the teenager too, and how your smaller kids treat you will come from how you and the teenager act towards one another, your marring this man your going to be the teenagers step mom, tell your fiancée that if the teenager isnt going to respect you that your going to start disciplining him yourself because the he is starting to test the water with you to see what and how much he can get away with

He’s technically your 3rd son time to step up and discipline him when needed

Welcome to the teenage years

I think you would do yourself a big favor and not marry someone with a child nearing teens. It’s a nightmare even when they are your biological child. Putting your footdown with a step teen well just dodge the bullet. Find someone else. Unless you like always being wrong. A family counselor advised us that a step parent has to wait until the stepchild decides to let the stepparent parent them. I didn’t like the sound of that. Anyway you stack it though…all this talk about you’re not a step parent you’re a parent is just fluffy wishing. Step into a court of law or have to call the police and you will learn that the brat has more rights than you do. You are always going to be JUST the STEP parent. Even if truthfully you are doing just as much for them as you do for your own. You may get along with his ex FOR NOW, but once you marry him, most cop an attitude towards you. Same with mom in laws, they like you dating their son UNTIL you marry him then you can’t do anything right. Again save yourself misery…don’t marry him.

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Wait…you two have not already sat down and discussed all these things in depth??? And your getting married soon??.. oy Dios mio! My boyfriend and I sat down and had these types of conversations months before we even agreed to move in together! It’s past time for a sit down with your fiancé and if you get along with the mom, her too so you are all on the same page and the children know it.

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Just think ‘he’s your brother’.

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Need to do something beforyou get married

As the mother figure when he’s with y’all, and since you’re about to be officially his step-mother, to an extent it is your place. He doesn’t listen because he knows nothing will really happen if he doesn’t. It’s passed time to start treating him like your own, especially when your fiancé does it with your kids.