How do I fix things with my brother?

My brother has always hated me and I never understoood why…I am the oldest child and didn’t get treated the best growing up so I had to learn on my own when I moved out and basically heal myself…it TOOK YEARS. he has always judged the fact that i had a child so young, and didnt get along with my parents (their own doing) and i dont know how to fix things between us? i never personally did anythign to him but he looks down on me and thinks he is better than me because hes gone to school for 10 years…im lost at this point

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I fix things with my brother?

Sounds to me like your parents are narcissistics you became the scapegoat and your brother is the favorite or “golden child” and usually they carry the narc tactics as well your parents have probably filled his head with terrible things about you and he doesn’t take it upon himself to ask you about the things they’ve said to him and just believe it and go along with it!

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Not much u can do. He’s probably jealous you got out and he didn’t. Try to talk to him but you can’t force him to be part of your life or change.

Do you honestly want someone like that In your life? As someone who’s siblings are toxic say this from a place of true understanding. It hurts to have your siblings so distant. But over many years of giving them chances and having it backfire every time I have since learned they are the toxic ones and it isn’t worth my peace. If he looks down on you because of something like that is it really worth it? He sounds like someone who thinks he’s better than everyone else. I personally wouldn’t want someone like that in my life. If you truly do want him in your life I suggest reaching out to him an try to reconcile things. Take the first step. But take it cautiously

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Me and my brother don’t have a relationship like we did when we were younger it’s a super long story but I would give my left leg to have a relationship with him…we were super close growing up then shit happened and we havent had no relationship in years

Some things you cannot fix. I am the youngest and my eldest brother despises me - not based on anything I did or did not do. Quite the contrary.

I had to accept the unacceptable to heal myself

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You can’t do anything, unfortunately. If he is open to communicate with you, from a place of healing, love and respect. There’s nothing else you can do, only reach out to see if you can heal that bound.
Maybe he felt alone because you left and he had to deal with your parents toxicity by himself. However, it is not your fault. You had to move forward with your life and you have your family now. I don’t think there’s much else you can do, if he is not open in the first place to let you in.

My big brother died not speaking to me but not because I didn’t try. I wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted his cousin who was a physician assistant to be his sister. Her name was even put in his obit before mine. Yeah, screw him. His loss.

I think that issue is normal I say so coz I had the same issue with my brother/brothers,start by saying hi all the time just checking up on him invite him over, even if he doesn’t show up don’t stop,pray for God to help you also coz some things are spiritual coming from Aunties or Uncles etc

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Funny thing.
Complete opposite with someone I’m close with.
In this situation it’s due to the stress and issues between (the eldest) and the mother/dad. The (youngest) saw how it hurt the parents and blamed the (oldest) unfairly without considering that there are two sides.
Sometimes you have to let people go in order for them to experience life and learn from their own walk that not everything is as it seems at first glance.

My brother is the exact same way. I am the oldest, when I turned 18 I moved out of state to Colorado and lived my life. I had kids and moved back home to Oklahoma so that my family could be close to them. He loses his mind and yells at me for the dumbest things and just has this animosity towards me. Everyone tells me it’s because I left.

Sit down and have a honest heart to heart talk with him to.see how he feels and if you can work on a better relationship with him

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My oldest sister is 10 years older than me, her mom and our dad left her mother when they were really young, he and my mother had me years later, years and years later we found a brother that was older than both of us, at that point her and is relationship was already pretty strained beings as we were raised states away from each other and I really didn’t care for spending my summers at their house as a teenager. So fast forward, we both meet our brother, their biological and I’m their half sibling. Brother and I hit it off, we all had our own separate relationships and then my sister decided she didn’t want anything to do with me at all. Then shortly after that, she cut my dad off as well. It’s been 12 years. I don’t care to fix things with her anymore. I tried and tried for years, my brother tried to help a few times, and then he passed away unexpectedly two years ago and low and behold I was the only “biological” part of his family that his girlfriend could figure out how to get ahold of so I ended up having to contact my dad and his mom and our sister. That was pretty much the last time we spoke. I really don’t want anything to do with her anymore. Idk what her grudge is against me, and I just don’t care any more. Sometimes walking away and letting them continue believing their better than you, is better than having someone like that in your life.

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Sometimes you have to just come to the place where you recognize that the relationship may never be. You have to heal yourself and love him from a distance.

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Write him a letter and mail it. Tell him your side. Maybe he resents you for leaving him? Maybe he doesn’t resent you but doesn’t know what to believe? There are at least 3 sides to every story. Do you know he looks down on you or is it your perception? He may feel guilty?

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As difficult as it is, sometime we can’t fix those relationships. It takes two to fix any relationship. By the sounds of it you have spent a lot of years working through whatever it is that took place when you were younger. Keep focusing on you and your kiddo, do what you need for you. I know they say never give up on family, but you also can’t spend your life trying to fix something when the other person doesn’t put effort in either. Keep becoming the best person you can be, love and spend time with those that accept you for you, and let others live their lives. Your growth and peace are more valuable than any relationship <3

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It takes two to tango. Maybe try to ask him why he hates you then see if it is something you can work on.

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Sounds more like this weight instead of yours, confront him about it, leave it there and move on.

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Write to him. Ask him. I say this bc it could be your perception and not reality.

I wish you the best.

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Don’t try. You have to let your brother grow up. In my younger years I had the same issue. My siblings and the judgement and guilt trips etc. Only when they lived what I lived were they able to understand. My sister and I are now best friends literally

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I can relate. Good thing about being an adult is you cam choose your family and who you want in your life. He doesn’t sound like someone that would be beneficial to you or your life. Walk away honey and get on with life. You don’t need anyone’s approval.

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Mine brother died at 70… he always hated me. I tried to make amends… now. Looking back I should have thought more of myself and just stayed away. I always looked up to him.

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I think you should let it go. There’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re the praying type, pray for his well being and then move on. If it’s any comfort, many others experience this as well. :heart:

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Sounds to me like he has issues and you are not the reason for them sometimes you just have to let it go and take care of yourself if it’s bringing bad feelings up do yourself a favor and walk away the only one who can truly judge you is GOD

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Hey honestly with experience let it go!!..I know it hurts like hell…but what’s happend had happend and that’s something you cannot change…I hope in his heart he will see one day how silly hes being…and come to you one day to make the amends

I honestly don’t know how to fix the relationship between you and your brother. I have the same problem with my 2 younger brothers but I know what their problem is but I can’t fix being fully related to a rapist I wish I could. I would say talk to him and find out what bee is in his bonnet

I’d leave it alone. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t care for you.

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That is his issue not yours……It’s okay not to deal with toxic family members….Love from a distant and move on!

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Can I be perfectly honest. Instead of asking complete strangers. Maybe actually have a real life conversation with your brother. We don’t know you or your family. Or how you grew up. Have a talk with him. If he chooses to be immature and disagree and argue. Than simply move on. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. And having a child at a young age is no one’s business as long as you’re a great parent and you always put your child first. I can’t give you advice because I’m not a therapist. I actually have a wonderful relationship with my brothers. I would sit down and talk it out first. That’s all you can do.

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because he heard conversations you didn’t…my guess is … your family is toxic. Reach out sometimes… but you do you. Something will eventually happen and he will see there were lies and manipulation involved…then he can be mad at someone else.

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I’m gonna thru that now I did everything I could to get him to respond to me. I even apologize just because you get things going till this day he hasn’t responded and that’s been since 2015. So I did my part not begging or pleading or taken blame for something I didn’t do just to talk to my brother .I guess his ego means more to him then the love from a sister . I can’t anymore. When he is ready I will always be ready . The good thing tho my nieces n nephews love their aunty all that matters right now

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I’m going thru this exact thing with my oldest brother. Hates me and told me to kill myself 8.5 years ago when I was pregnant with my now oldest daughter, all because I didn’t go to the school he wanted me to go to and chose to be a stay at home mom and get married. Now I have five kids with the same man been together going on 12 years and he still can’t admit he was in the wrong

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It could be your parents. If they treated you badly he must’ve gotten the mentality from them. You could try talking to him. What’s there to lose if your relationship is awful already?

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He may not know how to communicate with you. If your family was dysfunctional when you were young probably didn’t change that much! Sending a letter may open up some communication. Good luck!

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Leave it alone I have a sibling like this she thinks everyone ruined her life and blah blah so we don’t deal with her nobody in my family dose don’t add heart ache to anymore aching

Can’t fix what the other person dosnt want fixed…
Sorry love but not everyone will like or you love and sadly that includes family
You just gotta live your life don’t let him bother you and keep your head up high

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He is judgmental and should know he is NO BETTER than anyone else, you included.

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Do what I did, cut ties with your sibbling. No where does it say you have to keep people in your life like that. I havent spoken with my sister since 2015, best thing I ever did was to get her and her drama out of my life.

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I know family relationships are complicated. We may never know what causes some hard feelings between people. Other times it’s all too obvious. In my case it was obvious. I’m your case it could have been something that took place when you weren’t there to see or hear about it. You could ask your brother straight out what his issue is, but like as not he’ll come up with some perceived character flaw that you probably don’t even have. You’ll probably save yourself a lot of heartache to just let it ride. Concentrate on you and your child and have the best life you can. Cherish the times you have with the family members who love you and avoid the ones who seem to have a problem with you. They’ve had a lot of time to form their opinion, slap lacquer on it, and call it good. You can’t change that. Say the Serenity Prayer to yourself over and over. It helps.

He is too immature to understand what you have gone thru. He has no compassion for others.these things can only be mended with growth and life experience. Sorry, your going thru so much God is with you and if you ask Him for guidance and direction He will give it. God bless.

If he doesn’t want to fix things, that’s on him. You can’t do anything until he wants the same thing. However, you have full control of YOUR life and decisions. Go be happy and enjoy your life. Don’t waste your time on ppl who don’t give you their time. Family members are hard to give up on but sometimes things are like this… for the better. Just focus on those who genuinely care and want to be a part of your life. :slightly_smiling_face::smiling_face_with_three_hearts: Those are the ppl who deserve your time and attention.

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Same with my brother

just pay a lot of attention to your child - for he/she is #1 in your life right now !what your brother thinks is not fair to u but than again go on with your life and i’m sure he’ll come around sooner or later . srry to say this but it sounds like he’s a momma & daddy’s boy ! and he really won’t listen to what u say unless momma and daddy okays everything u have said to him -get on with your life

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Honestly I wouldn’t waste my time. Live your best life with your kid. If he wants to fix things and be in your and your child’s life let him make that choice, you can’t force anyone to do anything if they don’t want to. It’s not worth the stress in my opinion.

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The oldest sibling in our family looked down on all of us. He did everything he could to shame us in front of his friends. He bullied all of us. After he grew up, he moved 2,000 miles away and wondered why we didn’t spend our money to go see him. He was mama’s favorite, too. He got away with things the younger kids got beatings for.

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I know this is very hard but if it were me I would say "can we talk, you are my brother and I love you were did we go wrong dont put the blame on him but try to break down the wall as if anything were to happen to you or to him how would the other person feel good luck

You can’t do anything if he isn’t willing. It’s all on him to come to you since it seems he’s the one with the “grudge”. His loss.

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Pray on it, every time you think about it pray about it. God will find your paths🥰

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Unless he wants to change the nature of your relationship there’s not much you can do. He may not have a place in your life right now

Honestly it sounds like he has much healing to do himself.

This is his problem and character flaw, not yours. Maybe he is jealous because you are strong. Education doesn’t have anything to do with worth. Let it go and don’t try to force a relationship with him. Maybe later he will want to connect.

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My twin sister is very envious jealous of me and my accomplishments. My life in general. She has colluded with my ex’s to take revenge. She has wished death and misery on my life. She envious of the good relationships I have with friends and my mom. She poisoned my dad against me.
It’s odd how this happens after a decent childhood we had together and we had each others back. We were bff.
I’ve had a lot of turmoil occur in my life and yet she wishes more pain and suffering and Becuz I’m not having a bad life now….I’m actually enjoying my life , eliminating toxic from my life-she hates me even more. She treats my mom very poorly Becuz she wants to punish her for talking to me. My twin speaks bad about me to her kids and my older kids and had tried to get me and my hubby arrested on false claims. Very judgemental and bitter. She spies on my life to spread rumors. She acts like an enemy instead of a friend and no longer hypocrite.-Just straight up admits it. She’s made very bad choices in her life and hates me for the simple reason that I have a hubby who loves me and she doesn’t have any man who ever gives her the time a day. It might be Becuz she negative, controlling and manipulative.

What I’m saying is your brother doesn’t want a relationship with u. If he did he would try to make amends. I’ve tried so many times to make that relationship work when she was kinda nice -it was all scam. I tried to help her in her life and be there for her but she pushes everyone away. The point is I tried and she was never trying so you can’t make a relationship work on a one way street. She has a lot of maturity and confidence to work on. She needs God to change her. She thinks everyone deserves scum and she’s the only one that should reap blessings . Hates it that her life sucks. No structure in her life and really neglects her health to get sympathy from people.

The thing is you know all the things he’s done and said and also hates about u and ur still wanting to have him close? It’s abusive tho.
Why are you trying to befriend a brother who doesn’t clap with ur successes? Who doesn’t cheer u on when ur down . instead steps on u? !
He’s not being a hypocrite, he’s doing it infront of your face so u know his true intentions!
Whats most concerning is that u insist when you see red flags!
Be smart and let that relationship go.
Pay attention to red flags, not to talk bad about sibling; but for reference to remind yourself why you made this choice to distance yourself. You’re not a selfish person for choosing peace.

What are you hoping to gain? Inner peace? Or understanding of his feelings? In my experience, these relationships are this way because of conditioning. To me… seems like a waist of time to try to convince someone to be loving and part of your life. There’s plenty of other people in the world to bond with.

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just do you.
fuck him. you dont need that negative ass energy

What makes him think his better than you? Call him out on his judgemental attitude, if once you jave done this and nothing changes then it’s all on him you don’t need to explain the choices you have made for your life if he can get on board and respect you then keep his judgement to himself and you live your best life

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You can’t fix it 1 sided. If he doesn’t want you to be in his life, then you won’t feel wanted. Your post sounds very pity party, all about you the sad lost puppy no one likes. Maybe no one likes the puppy because it pees on the carpet.

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sounds like a terrible uncle

Sounds like a him problem. You just learn and be the person you can be and have a great life!

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Sometimes you just gotta let go and move on and realize that family aren’t always a family and some are not meant to be in your life.

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Keep your chin up. It is his loss. Continue to reach out to him on his birthday and holidays by sending cards with short notes.

When he is ready, he knows how to reach you. Hate eats people from within. Don’t let his hate suck you in. Sending hugs!

I wouldn’t bother. Worry about your own child and stop the cycle from happening again. Don’t let it happen within your family :blush:

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I wouldn’t waste my time trying. Your better off without some people in your life. Don’t ever let someone make you feel less. Hugs sweetie

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Obviously you’ll never know why he feels the way he does until you take the time to sit down and talk with him. Ask him why he feels the way he does, and why he thinks there has been so much animosity between the two of you. ask him to be honest with you. Then be ready for the answers. Prepare yourself to be open-minded enough to really hear what he has to say.

Then tell him how you feel, and tell him you love him.

That’s all you can do.

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It’s not your job to fix a relationship someone else didn’t want/damaged. Sad to say, gotta let people like that go. He will come around probably when it’s too late. It’s on him.

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My brother hated me from the day I was born. He died w/o our speaking to each other. I tried numerous times for a reconciliation.

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I don’t know but your post seems like you don’t see your actions only the actions of others maybe he doesn’t like the fact that you blame your parents for your horrible relationship with them and you say you never did anything to him you should start by asking him and listen to him maybe you did do something to him that he didn’t like but you thought it was nothing.

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Don’t waste your time on him try take care of yourself
Your family

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Honestly and this may be something you don’t want to hear … but cut him out of your life completely … you don’t need toxic in your life

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if he’s not willing to work on relationship it won’t work. sometimes as hard as it is its best to walk away. as you control your actions.

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It seems like he is trying to belittle you. If I was you I would just cut all ties, just because he went to school for 10 years doesn’t make him any better than you. Everyone has their own path and no one’s is the same. Next time he tries to say he is better than you laugh in his face, and be like yah okay little brother just to piss him off more lol. Make him mad and be like nah I’m better cause I’m older than you and had to grow up before you did. You’re still just a kid. One up him since that what it seems like he is trying to do to you. Tell him your better cause you’ve been a parent longer.

My older sister was 18 months old when I was born prematurely. I got ‘attention’ that should have ‘rightly’ been hers. She’s 64 now and I finally had enough a year ago and told her to get out of my life. I’m sorry you are hurting but he’s not worth it.

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Young one, just because you go to school and get an education doesn’t mean your smart or have plain common sense. Some of the most clueless people I’ve met have had “letters” following their name. :wink:- sounds to me he’s actually kind of jealous - you left, you have someone ( your baby) who loves you unconditionally, and are happy. You can’t force love ,sweetie. You said you had problems with your parents growing up - who knows what they said- he’ll believe them before you - because well - you see what I’m getting at.
Anyways, don’t let it get you down, things like this tend to heal in time - but tell him you love him or write a letter with your feelings, young one. Have no regrets when it comes to loved ones - tell them - at least you know in your heart he knows - you’ve got a life- now go live it​:sunflower::v:t4:

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It’s not your job to fix him or your parents. If they act like that, it’s their loss! I had to walk away from family at 18, and I’ve been completely fine! (I am 56). That family met my kids finally at my grandmothers funeral and they were both in their 20s!

Hunny, you will never be and that is ok. You rock the best life and don’t worry about them.

go about your business leave it alone

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It’s his loss, sad really. Don’t worry about it, you can’t change him he needs to change himself… you may never know why but… sometimes just praying for them helps.

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He may have wanted to be the first to have a child :man_shrugging: who knows and unless he tells you straight out you won’t know.

brothers are dicks he probs just needs a gf then before you no it hes happy :sweat_smile:

There are 2 sides to this story .ask him what his side is.

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It sounds to me like he doesn’t want them to be fixed. I know it’s your brother but he sounds like a complete narcissist. Cut ties baby.

You can’t fix some things

…why exactly, do you want this neanderthal in your life. FYI, child scapegoating is real. None if it was your fault, :heart:

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Some things cant be fixed. We all mellow as we age so there is still hope for the future, dont let his wierdness ruin your life

Don’t worry about it. I believe that just because people are related to you, doesn’t mean they belong in your life. Your family sounds pretty toxic. Mine is the same. I just cut them off and I’m happy. You don’t need people who judge you and look down on you.

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Is he the youngest? The youngest are often treated with less punishment and stuff, not out of unfairness intentionally, it’s just because parents change as they have more kids. I’m the middle and only girl. My younger brother and I have a very toxic relationship. He has recently began showing me love and things. You just gotta keep loving and when he is ready and he grows and learns there’s a good chance things will get better. As adults we tend to change too.

I have no contact with my 4 siblings. They are entitled to their thoughts of me. I have no right to interfere in how they feel as much as I dont want them interfering in how I feel. For me being blood related makes zero difference. I dont allow negative people in my life. Related or not makes no difference.

It’s not your job to fix it

I haven’t seen my sibling in years because they are toxic, move on, you deserve to be happy. I have a deep faith but that doesn’t mead I need drama that took place for 60 years. God Bless…

It’s the same with my brother, just let it go

He needs to fix things with you

i wonder if its something ur folks but in his head