How do I get away?

I’ve been married for 8 years. I have 2 young boys with my husband. He has a serious drinking problem. He’s very mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. When he’s been drinking it’s worse. I’ve told him I want a divorce for going on 2 years now. Back in Oct. Of 2021 he ended up getting physical with me which I called the police. They arrested him and he ended up getting out of jail the next day. So fast foward to beginning of Dec. 2021. He got drunk again surprise surprise so I filed a restraining order which ended up being worthless. He left for 6 days/ nights. It was so peaceful. Just me and my boys. They dismissed the order. I’ve told this man straight up I just can’t deal with his mental abuse any longer. And that it’s not good for the boys to see us arguing all the time. It’s already affected them. He puts me down or is just plain mean or throws something in my face. Than says " I love you" I just want my peace back.

84 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I get away?

Work it out so you Can get the heck out.you can do this for your boys.

2 Likes

So file for the divorce yourself and leave

7 Likes

Get out. It won’t get any better only worse. Try to record everything you can for evidence

3 Likes

Pack your shit and go

Go file for divorce and go to family court and have him removed from the house

2 Likes

I am very suprised they didnt put a no contact on him when he was arrested here in Ga if theres abuse going on they tell the person they cant have contact or live in same place as the abuser…You need to get out before something serious happens and your children dont need to live like that…Been down this path and its not good to stay in this type environment…

2 Likes

In my opinion it ain’t never gonna go away it’s gonna continue to get worse in my opinion only you need to get a restraining order on him or he cannot come near you unless he has police escort to come and visit your children that’s what you should do and I would do a restraining order on him and the law will handle the rest have a good day hope I hope the best for you

3 Likes

Cast iron skillet upside his head!

8 Likes

Saying to leave or get out is easier said than done if you have never been in an abusive relationship. 1. You can do it without him. Get that thought in your head. 2. Save up for the divorce and the time after. Give the money to someone you trust to hold it for you. It easier to have someone stash it for you. 3. Get a place lined up for you and your kids to go when you do get away. You dont need to pack if you get enough saved up. But if you want certain things, those need to stash those thing under the radar. 4. Dont let him know anything is off. It will make it worse. 5. Put the plan in motion. My home is a safe haven if you need it. Message me if you need. Im in VA. You need proof of the abuse because unfortunately its his word against yours and that will give you a foot into the victim witness program in your county. They will help as well. Put a call into them as well when you can. Make the time to call them.

7 Likes

You have to leave him. For your children if not for you

2 Likes

A piece of paper doesn’t keep these abusers away. Watch the movie “Enough” with Jennifer Lopez. She’ll inspire you.

1 Like

Call Domestic Violence Support Hotline, 24/7, They will help you get away ASAP! Good Luck

6 Likes

You file for divorce pack your stuff and leave I’m not sure what Else you want from this

3 Likes

Do you have q place for you and your kids to go? Family? Friends? If he won’t leave, you and your kids need to.

1 Like

You label what he is & approach the situation as such.
I cannot diagnose him but from the few details you divulged, he rings like a mid grade narcissist.
People throw that term around everywhere BUT everyone has narcissistic thoughts & habits but are not a narcissist. Narcissistic habits can be unlearned.
A narcissist will not change. Something is wrong with everyone else. Not them!
These are screen shots I am sending but look him up on you tube.
He is an Ultra Narcissist & divulging & screeching all the details of narcissist.
He wants no other narcissist to get away with it after him so he is telling.
Maybe it will help you.
I pray so for you & your littles💖

1 Like

File for divorce
File for another protection order
If you have to move out with your children

You need to leave cause that environment for your children is beyond toxic and it’s not fair to them.

And I’m saying that as someone who had a dad that was a blackout drunk who abused me n my sisters.

1 Like

If you are done and he won’t leave guess you need to start packing

2 Likes

File for divorce, a PFA, and emergency custody of your boys.

If you continue down this path, they will resent you for not protecting them or yourself. And they will always wonder why they were not good enough to be protected.

You said this has already made an effect on them. Imagine how it will effect them 10, 15, 20 years down the road. Think of their future and how this is their example of how to treat the women & children in their lives.

Leaving a toxic relationship is easier said than done. Start saving SS of text messages and recordings of the abuse for court.

Get the boys and yourself into therapy. Your husband sounds like he definitely needs rehab and therapy as well, I hope he gets some help too.

Make a plan to leave. Start saving your money secretly— and apply for state housing if you have low or no income. Reach out to people you trust, get out of there and don’t look back.

It may feel like you are destroying your family by leaving, but your husband has already done that. It is your job as a mother to make sure your children are safe, taking whatever action necessary.

Whatever you decide to do, always keep your kids with you.

I’m praying for you.

6 Likes

Wait until he’s passed out drunk, take your babies and disappear.

4 Likes

Why are some of y’all soo mean. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship then you aren’t gonna fully understand. Momma sounds likes your gonna have to leave if possible and go somewhere he doesn’t know. I know how hard it is to leave an abusive marriage for many different reasons. You could look into a dv shelter. I would try for another restraining order, you may get a different judge or they may give you a change to explain in better detail. I’m sorry I hope you figure it out. You can message me if you’d like.

2 Likes

You dont say where you are so don’t know what is in place to help you.
Obviously if hes physically abusive you contact the police every time it happens and you charge him. Police will have every call recorded and noted. That will help in court.
Find out whats available in women’s refuges . They will help rehome you and sort out what benefits you are entitled to.
You’ll probably be entitled to legal aid to start divorce proceedings
If you are granted a restraining order and he turns up…police must take action. Call them.
Make sure you have a bag packed. All your ID , couple of changes of clothes , favourite toy for the kids, bank cards if you have them and enough cash to get by for a couple of days at least.
Go to family or friends if you can. People who you trust .
I know from experience its not easy. Yes you will struggle …but eventually you’ll be free of him and back on your feet . Your children will thank you …make sure you have custody of your children with supervised visits only for him. His violence towards you will help with that.
Youre strong enough to do this :heartpulse:. Good luck

1 Like

Talk to a family lawyer (the initial consultation is usually free) and attend alanon meetings (for family and friends of alcoholics). Since he’s showing signs of physical abuse, you need a plan. He’s not going to leave voluntarily. Document everything. Keep copies at work or at a friend’s house. He needs help, but you can’t force him to get it.

2 Likes

Start with going to court and get granted emergency full custody. Then go to a women’s abuse shelter. Grab your boys and go. Don’t go to meet him or go get your stuff with out n officer there. If he’s physically abusive you don’t know how far he will take it and I don’t want to hear about you on the news

1 Like

Keep calling the cops on him

3 Likes

Find a lawyer and file. He’s an active addict and is abusive towards you and the children. You contact a shelter and lawyers and start working your way out if this.

1 Like

In my area they have a place for women in this situation and help them. Have you checked the resources in your area?

1 Like

Pack up and leave with your kids

3 Likes

Follow through, take the lead and make things happen. Stop with words.

3 Likes

Get him out again, pack his stuff so it’s out, but change locks this time.

1 Like

So, go see a lawyer and get the process started. You don’t need your husband’s permission. If you are in danger, get out and go to a family member, a friend, even a women’s shelter if necessary

4 Likes

You leave. That’s how you get away. He’s been arrested multiple times for domestic violence, but the restraining order was dismissed?

If you have no family/friends that can take you and the boys in and you’re not working, go to a DV shelter. They will help you locate community resources to get on your feet.

If you have the means, just pack up and go when he’s not home. The minute you leave though, you need to file a restraining order, emergency custody and divorce papers and then check into local community resources. Do not tell him where you are and notify your childrens schools of what’s going on so that he can’t just show up and take them.

Do it ASAP, before we’re reading about you in the news as another DV case escalated to a fatality.

Protect yourself and your children!

8 Likes

You need to hire a big black body guard to shake him up. I suggest you find one at the big nightclubs. They all do side work.

1 Like

Pack up you and boys clothes and all the stuff you need go to a family members house or a woman’s shelter or get yourself an apartment. You can always change the locks. Get emergency custody of your boys. I wish you all the luck in the world stay safe your boys need you.

2 Likes

Leave him and never look back.

2 Likes

Leave!!! Go to a shelter if you have to. It will only get worse!! Believe me, I’ve been down that road before! Good luck!

2 Likes

When u see him coming call the cops .? Your kids don’t need to see all that

2 Likes

Document his behavior! Use the voice recording on your phone. Make a separate hidden file so he can’t find it. You need to start gathering proof for the courts. Especially when it will come to the child custody. You’ve got this!

2 Likes

Talk to a lawyer. Get the divorce. And then talk to a family lawyer and go from there. He needs to go get some help. You can’t force him to but you sure as hell can get yourself and kids away from him.

1 Like

I grew up in a home just like this. You NEED TO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO GET OUT!!! We had to go in hiding for 3 months and left when my mom ex left for work. The moving van pulled up and we were out in less than 2 hours.

1 Like

Young one- my heart hurts for you. You must get your ducks in a row and move. Notify the local law enforcement where you go - let them know that he is still stalking you. Right now you need to install security camera system and keep a journal and record all events . You need to change all your locks and add deadbolts. You don’t deserve this. Keeping your children and yourself safe should be your number one thing . Be aware of your surroundings- hang up if he starts talk trash - record it if you can- keep all his texts and/or emails-he isn’t going to change (unless-only if he wants and it’ll take years)- remove yourself and kids asap-

You just might have to leave. Go to a safe house & then relocate…

1 Like

File for divorce and gtfo. F that mess

2 Likes

Hello ladies. This post is from me. I live in New Mexico. Since Dec. 2021 I’ve had to call the police 4 different times on my POS husband. He gets charged and they keep letting him out the next day. It feels like I call the police for help and they just can’t help me. The only reason he was arrested the last time was because he threatened the police, all they tell me is since there’s no retraining order in place that they can’t make him leave. All he does is ask for me to give him another chance, but than he acts and says the same things he always does. I’ve expressed that I’m just not happy in this marriage but he just won’t accept it. I don’t want this to get ugly. But he’s pushing me to it. I want to thank you all for taking the time to comment your advice and thoughts on my situation. Thank You!:heart:

If you keep waiting you’re only hurting your boys as they will be influenced as adults by every move he has made in front of them as children. Prayers

Whatever it takes. Before it’s too late to do anything about it because the abuse escalates too far one day for one reason or another and you end up leaving in a coroner’s van - whether intentional or not on his end.

And for your kids’ sake…I grew up in that kind of constantly volatile environment and it definitely leads to problems later in life, more of than not…including a cycle of abuse that continues into their own relationships.

1 Like

When he got arrested u should have filed a PFA and he wouldn’t have been allowed back in the home . U should make a plan and leave

Get out leave do not worry about alot of things get u n ur kids n go. I left to a whole new state with nothing but my kids n I and our blazer.

Call police have them take you to a women’s shelter. My friend had to do it.

1 Like

Kick that fool to the curb before he really hurts you or worse. You are both teaching your boys that abuse is okay!! These are awful memories that will last a lifetime for those kids. I still have those memories from my parents like it was yesterday and it was 60 years ago. :disappointed:

How long was restraining order for? As they can’t just dismiss it! It’s a legally binding document! Unless you let him in allowing him to breach and didn’t report?

I’m not exactly sure what the question is here. You told him you want a divorce…so do you expect him to leave? With that type of behavior, he’s not going to. If you want the divorce, you’ll have to be the one taking action and initiating it. You don’t ASK for a divorce. You TELL him you want one, and then you do it. You don’t need his permission.

2 Likes

Do you want your boys to grow up thinking that his behavior is right? Lawyer time.

1 Like

You r not a doormat. Stop acting like it. You deserve more and only you can make it happen. You don’t need HIS permission to leave and strike out on your own. I did it… there is so much help for domestic violence now… do your research

2 Likes

In the time it took you to write a question to the group - you could have followed through with filing divorce papers. Or ask yourself - was that just a threat to keep the cycle of abuse going? You’re every bit responsible for his behavior and the damage it is causing your children by allowing it to continue. Draw from your innate protective skills and end this unhealthy relationship and dance ASAP.

1 Like

This is jerry sprinter material. Is that where u see yourself?

I cant stress this enough. Please get out. If you want to stay in the house stay but record it all, every single time he is abusive emotionally or physically or verbally right now what he does or says what time what day all of it keep it all make a journal of it. You are your own investigator on this. If you move keep a log if he harasses you. Eventually you get enough to throw in the cops face and judge there is nothing they can do but help. I spent time dealing with it and the cops were zero help when it came to protecting me.

2 Likes

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical in order to go to a women’s shelter. They will help you relocate if that’s something you’d like to do. I would suggest relocating so he can’t find you.

3 Likes

Get your boys and yourself out of there and file for divorce and start your life over with the boys

1 Like

File the restraining order. It will be good for 30 days. Then u go to court in 30 days have it put in place for a year. In the meantime contact your local crisis center or 800 number and they can probably hook you up with an attorney to get your divorce. Since you have the children and stuff legal aid would most likely help you.

3 Likes

That’s narcissistic behaviour…
when he says I love you
it’s gaslighting…
He’s toxic!!

1 Like

That’s narcissism honey, just get out, try to get some help family friends whatever help you can get domestic violence shelters get out of there he is not going to change narcissist never change they can’t they physically cannot change. After abusing you and then telling you he loves you and trying to act all sweet is called love bombing narcissists do this when they see you pulling away and trying to get away from them they pull you right back in with their love bombing and trying to make you feel like they care about you. You are so much better without him and your kids get away from him run do not let him see the kids honestly all he’s going to do as a parent is f*** them up mentally. He’s already causing you trauma and you’re going to have to live with that for the rest of your life, you can go to therapy and try to heal your trauma but I would do it sooner rather than later and get away from him as soon as possible.

2 Likes

Leave please or have him thrown out! Your children do not have to be in his insanity. Been there- took me almost 30 years & grown kids to smarten up! Please! God give you strength.

3 Likes

Go get your self some counseling

1 Like

It will never change. This is your life on repeat unless you do something serious to change it. Sorry is after all just a word. It’s actions that need to change. Your kids will have scars from seeing this type of relationship between their parents that will follow them through their own lives. Is this what you want?

2 Likes

File for divorce. What are you waiting for? Start talking to lawyers.
They don’t dismiss restraining orders unless you don’t show up or request it be dismissed.
You have to request it to be permanent. Go back to the magistrate & file for a restraining order. You want the extended time one. Minimum of 1 yr.
If you have to start saving & planning to move.
He keeps coming back bc you let him. If this is already affecting the kids, it’s on you to protect them.

Can’t you just serve him with papers.

Contact your local female abuse advocate group there’s one around everywhere and then just walk out and they will help you take care of everything

2 Likes

Get out!! Go to family or friends house… and don’t look back…

2 Likes

None of this explains why you haven’t filed for a divorce and a restraining order

2 Likes

Um why did u let him back in if he hurt you physically?
Divorce him… make him move out. Pack it up. Make the moves.
If you want peace you need to disturb everything in order to get it thru his head.
Go to court when they tell you and keep that restraining order on him.

STOP LETTING HIM COME BACK

If he hits you take pictures with time/date stamp.
When he gets verbal try to secretly record and keep the camera away.
Show the courts when you do go to court.

If you don’t do anything this cycle will continue on and on and crying about it will do nothing.

Restraining orders are worthless! It’s hard but find a way to leave if he won’t. I dealt with the same crap for 10 yrs and finally decided since he wouldn’t leave I was. Took my kids found an apartment and started over. I won’t lie, it’s not easy but the peace you find is so worth it in the end.

1 Like

Get a backbone and get out if not for you then do it for your boys!

1 Like

Figure out how to leave. It’s only going to keep getting progressively worse with his drinking. U don’t want him to turn his physical abuse on to your children . Your home is no longer a safe environment for U or your children and that’s reason enough to leave.

1 Like

Congrats for your strength to move on :clap:t3::clap:t3::clap:t3::clap:t3:. :trophy:. :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

1 Like

If it’s your house change the locks. Call the police if he makes a disturbance. Lots of good advice in this column today. Make it clear he is out of your life. Too bad if he only has a park bench. Be strong. Don’t back down

1 Like

Susan Michalski she said she got the restraining order and then they dismissed it

It was never renewed

Y’all say file for divorce and restraining order. Don’t we all wish that’s how easy it was… I can’t tell you what to do. I finally packed my shit and called my sister and left with the clothes on our backs. He was horrible and I was afraid he’d kill me and my daughter. You may struggle but it will be okay. Make him take you to court for visitation. Be strong prayers sent to you!

Your restraining order shouldn’t have be dismissed since he physically abused you. File for divorce and immediate full custody of your kids. Go to a DV shelter. They will keep you safe and help you legally.

4 Likes

Go to a women’s shelter. It won’t be fun but They will help You with jobs and day care. They will keep you iñ hidding if need be. A year from now You’ll be so happy and Your kids will too ! Good luck and God bless You all!:rose::bird::heart:

2 Likes

Contact the DV liaison officer at your nearest police station.Tell them what’s going on and you’d like an AVO put on him

You are obligated to provide a safe and stable home for your kids. If you can’t do that, maybe someone should remove the boys from your care.

7 Likes

You are training these boys how they are to treat women. If you stay they will become their father. Please just leave. If not for your good, then for your sons.

5 Likes

Take your kids and go to a ywca shelter. They have resources. File for custody of your kids and a restraining order, the shelter can help with a lot so be sure to ask for help.

1 Like

If you do not get out of there, especially since police have already been involved it can be seen as a failure to protect by the children’s services and they will in fact remove your kids. No joke. Get out soon as you can and do what you need to. Seek shelter at a domestic violence shelter so you don’t have to disclose your location to him.

2 Likes

If he won’t leave, then you have to. Period. File for divorce and start the healing process for you and your kids. It’s really that simple. If you’re determined, you will make it happen. Until then, you’ll just make excuses.

2 Likes

Start recording him.

Get out if you can. It doesn’t get any better, just worse. I have been stuck here for 50 years, and he has turned my son against me with his lies. I firmly believe in Karma.

2 Likes

Get away from him. He’s not worth y’alls peace.

He won’t change and it only gets worse! Get out … You deserve your peace and so do your children.

2 Likes

I just left my husband of 10 years last month for the same reasons. We have 2 boys and 4 month old twins. It was and has been scary but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I finally have peace. My boys finally have peace and my daughter’s will never suffer the pain that their father has brought on the rest of us. He had convinced me that he was the only person who was capable of loving me by my mom was more than happy to take in my kids and I. She said she’d prayed for it for years in fact. I made my plans in secret and had help loading our things onto a truck while he was at work. We took only what we needed and nothing more. Before we left I did a video walk through of the house and showed myself leaving the key, locking the door behind myself and getting into the car so that when he came home and trashed the house he couldn’t blame it on me. Be prepared for a nightmare but know that you can get through it. Do it for your boys. My husband has pulled out all the stops to make me look like a crazy woman and ruin my name. I’ll get past it though and so can you. Carefully take recordings when you can. Even if all you see is the ceiling, so long as you can hear his voice and the way he treats you. Any evidence you can gather. Just BE CAREFUL. Don’t let him find out until it’s time.

1 Like

Contact your local domestic violence center. They can help you in multiple ways. You need to get him out or you’ve got to leave before it escalates any further. You have to protect yourself and your sons.

1 Like

If you really want him gone you are going to have to do all the work. Keep your phone on you at all times and when he starts in just start recording what he says. Don’t provoke him just document everything if he gets physical again call the police again and document your injuries and press charges and again file for the restraining /no contact order. Call the district attorney’s office and urge them to file charges. ask for a victims advocate for you and your children. File the divorce papers and ask for full custody of your children with supervised visitation because he has violent tendencies. He is going to try to make you look like the bad guy but who gives a shit. The abuse will get worse if you stay… Remember he is not going to change he is only going to get worse… Keep a journal and hide it where he will never find it. put daily entries of the day and include how you feel. Journals are admissible in court. Mental and emotional abuse is sometimes worse than the physical abuse, but it is also a gateway to physical abuse, and he has already walked through that door, so it is going to happen again. Be strong girl, you can do this, and you will be victorious… One other thing, if you can manage to get you and the kids into therapy without him knowing that will be a huge piece of winning your freedom from the abuse, give you all the tools to heal and move forward from the abuse and keep you strong while you’re battling the dragon…

I remember being in your shoes, his alcohol abuse ruined every special occassion possible. And also, while husband is away life is calmer. If that is true, then get away. YWCA & most communities have Womens Shelters.

1 Like

For the sake of your sons and yourself, you NEED to divorce this narcissistic man before he does further damage. Life will be better, even though it may be a struggle.

1 Like

Go to a lawyer TODAY!!! Get out of there!!!

1 Like

I am ex police in Australia sorry not sure where you are hon . Any contact record it . If your part of the conversations you can . Document everything in a diary somewhere safe or notes ok phone date time and what happened or was said etc . It can all be used as evidence if needed . If harassment etc continues and you start having evidence take out the restraining order again if you have good grounds I know in Qld you can ask foe him not to reside at the residence. Have a safe word with friends . Tell her you’d like to order the mascara she showed you . If you friend gets this message they know to call police for you if you can’t . Have you address flagged with communications so if any calls to address please treat with some urgency due to alcohol and domestic violence

If you are in fear of your safety go to a police station ask them to help find a refuge if needed . Possession can be replaced people can not and your and your children’s mental health can be effected as you know . You can then seek legal aid etc or assistance or go through courts to obtain possessions if need be . If not safe to move them now