One on one time with all attention on him. There was a really good super nanny episode that sounds similar and she said that reactions to the behaviour can make it worse. I fefo agree with some of the comments recommending a trampoline, punch bag etc as these are good ways to expel energy. ADHD requires patience and understanding that how we process reactions isn’t how the child may process them meaning that punishments and negative reactions will just fuel them to continue. Praise and reward all positive behaviour no matter how small as that will then show him what behaviour he needs to show to get the attention he is craving. One to one time and attention is needed and much more so at the beginning.
6 Likes
Just remember every time he goes back to mums you need to start all over. It’s hard on them. But in time he will know your rules to hers. It took 10 years for my SK to work it out! Lol now it’s great! Persistence pays off!
4 Likes
Some of this is attention seeking behavior. Kids will seek any kind of attention they can get, negative attention or positive attention. I would consider having a one on one day with just him and his dad where they spend quality time together. And also one on one time with you for quality time. Age wise, Nine and six are light years apart as far as maturity levels go. Give him special responsibilities that only he can do because he is older. As far as discipline, when he acts out, give him a fair and reasonable consequence. At my house, we lose screen time. (That’s what drives my kids.) I ground them from all electronics and give them extra chores to complete with boundaries. I have a nine year old and a twelve year old. I hope this helps a little. Remember, kids are learning from us. They have to be taught how to treat theirselves, their peers, their families and their stuff. Good Luck, Momma.
23 Likes
Bless… Very difficult 
. On the one hand you have to consider the other children…However you have a chance to be his stability… Definitely chat to these lovely ladies on here with first hand experience… Take each visit at a time for the mo but I agree with some of the comments research how you and hubby could also get some benefits. It s so hard I m sure but remember this lad is only 9 and has little routine… Any kid finds that hard. Good luck 
1 Like
Sounds more like odd [ Oppositional Defiant Disorder] and rad [reactive attachment dis-order] to me. you need to seek professional help for him.
4 Likes
I feel for you,I been in your shoes,I had a step son like that. From 2 yrs till he was 14. We could not handle him so we turn him over to the State He was so bad that I was scared that his dad and I would go to jail because of him. And he would do things just so his dad and I would get in to big disagreements
7 Likes
My daughter has adhd and needs a lot of her own quiet time to relax, she’s often demanding and sneaking snack food as well. His your step son on Ritalin or any other type of mood stabiliser? My daughter dramatically improved but still gets quite ratty once she tired. Keeping her busy and interested is the key.
1 Like
Is he medicated? Going to behavior therapy? We have one with ADHD too.
Good luck. It’s not easy to raise a kid with adhd. It’s hard when the otheside does not parent. So when he comes over he doesn’t think he has to listen. Have her get him into counseling. Won’t cost her anything. But you control the appt and take him. The counselor needs to know the truth and I don’t think the mom will do it. Has Dad tried talking to him. It should be on your shoulders only. DAD NEEDS TO LET HIM KNOW OVER AT YOUR HOUSE YOU HAVE RULES AND CONSEQUNCES. . You both have to communicate and work together. I know it will be hard . I would also do research on the issue and see if you can find pointers and maybe a support group with other parents dealing with the same problem. I feel for you. Good luck. And my prayers are with you.
3 Likes
A “built in baby sitter”… For your step child? Your husbands son? That comment right there tells me everything I need to know bout this situation having had step “dads” of my own.
1 Like
Get real with him… put stuff under lock and key explain snacks are that way because of him and he won’t get any sweets until he improves in other areas like bathing and treating his siblings poorly. Talk to him about how he treats them because likely that is how his older siblings treated him or still do. Ask if he wants to make them feel bad, ask if someone has done that to him, how did it make him feel. 9 is old enough to reason with and be stern with. Give him chores to earn stuff. I was doing my laundry by myself by 8 including bleach… let him know what you expect from him and be unwavering in demanding it. Be a parent, not his friend, he doesn’t have to like you now… in the end he will appreciate it
8 Likes
I need to vent! If a woman is not gonna be a mother, then why have kids, let alone have sex; which most likely leads to getting pregnant (having kids).
My oldest son (11) has adhd. We dont use medication but I have found that having routines and sticking to them is a huge help. We have his weekday/weekend routine written down and hung up at home, and the weekday one especially we try to stick to as closely as possible. It’s super helpful for him and everyone else in the house . It sounds like the going back and forth to two very different houses is hard on him to always be making those adjustments. Does he have an IEP or get any in school help or support ?
3 Likes
I have a very similar situation. We’ve been seeing a councilor for over a year now. It’s really helped all of us understand him more and why some things just don’t work. If anything they need structure and a sense of security. Doesn’t sound like he’s getting any of that being bounced around. I can tell from experience, as I had the same response and later found out it wasn’t true. The mom is having the exact same problems you are. Don’t let her tell you she’s not. Denying there’s a problem and blaming it on us was a big hurdle. Personally we had to start locking food and he only got sweets when he ate all his regular food or with good behavior. He would rather eat sweets and fill up on that than eat real food. I also installed several cameras so he can’t lie about things. Anything I can do to hold him accountable.
1 Like
He needs psychological help. Find a good child and family therapist. The whole family needs professional help to get a handle on this child.
1 Like
He has adhd, you need to have a counsellor on hand, you also need to learn how to handle his behaviour and teach him also, look into the food hes eating, organic with no artificial stuff is good, fresh fruit, its not his fault hes never been taught to navigate his disability, its hardwork but rewarding in the end, buy a book on adhd and immerse yourself in the info so you can help him, his siblings need to learn also, family effort
8 Likes
How is Mom getting benefits with Dad in the picture … ?
Send him back to his mom an tell his dad to give the mother extra money
5 Likes
- Have him move in full time 2 get behavioral therapy
2 Likes
Seek professional help, there are child behavioral specialists that are trained to help with special cases.
Poor little boy. 
" we get no help for him…". That’s your husband’s child! He wants pay for him? He probably feels he’s a burden everywhere he goes! Hides snack wrappers? Does he get into trouble for having snacks? He is a special needs child with many extra burdens! Love him and help him. I pray his Dad spends special time with him. He needs that special bond. Does he have any activities like sports, etc? Something the whole family could get behind? Please stop thinking of him as stepchild. He needs you in his corner. He feels like an outsider in his own home. His siblings AND he deserve better. Learn about ADHD and how to help him navigate. You and your husband, as his parents, can improve this 100%, regardless of what bio mom does.
5 Likes
First off don’t say it isn’t fair to your other children and that you feel used and like a babysitter. Would it be different if he was your birth child??? Would you still feel the way you do?
It is what it is. Work with it and seek resources to help. Your husband is his father and needs to step up more instead of not knowing what to do. There could more diagnosis and sensory issues.
Kids dont steal food or snack in their parents home. The eat and eat and that comforts them.
Find out about medication he can take or a hollistic approach possibly. Do your research on adhd and maybe seek someone for yourself to talk to that is a proffessional that can give advice. Different things are triggers and other things can help.
I have a son living with autism and 2 boys with adhd. I never feel used and I never feel it isn’t fair to my other children. I live in constant supervision of them when they are at my home. Maybe respite would help.
Whether the mom receives all the financial benefit or not that’s not for anyone to decide the court already did that it seems. If it costs money to help him it is what it is. You pay the money.
Maybe try sports, physical activity, things he likes.
Everyday this boy will grow older and if your at a constant battle with yourself about him you are exhausting yourself. Maybe there is other stuff going on when he is away from you. Children that live in 2 different homes have twice the battle of feeling stable, nurtured, understood, and accepted. You and your husband need to be on the same page with mom or unfortunately things won’t get better.
10 Likes
Recommend melatonin for the night help to settle the boy before bed time and to go to sleep
1 Like
Wow - you have pretty much described my son who is now 15. Let me tell you, the hidden wrappers never end and he still does that at 15 lol. So i suggest a lock on the cupboard for that one. My son has ADHD, ODD, PTSD and Anxiety. He has been a handful since the age of 6 and it wasn’t until I found his medication Vyvanse that I was able to finally get some stable behavior going on. Sport is your outlet. My son became an athlete and even almost got to America with a scholarship until he recently went downhill when he met his ex girlfriend. You have to tire him out with sport to drain some of that energy. ADHD kids are so gifted so find out what his passion is and make sure he does a lot of it. Showing him love and cuddles will change his hatred to love. So the reactions to his behaviors need to be calm and logical so he realises he’s being overreactive or rude. There is hope for him 
Don’t give up on him, as it seems like his mother already is showing traits of that and it is silently affecting him, hence the lashing out on his siblings. You are already doing an amazing job, don’t ever think you are not making a difference cos you are x
You should ask the school do they have a different program for him and he can follow or a special school so he can learn about how to take care of himself. Good luck .
His father needs to take him on a weekend camping trip and connect with him so his spirit is open to him. Then he needs to tell him his strengths. Then tell him the other behaviors have to stop. Dad needs to give him ideas of how to relate to younger boys kindly.
This sounds like ADD w a comorbid of ODD which is very common. Get him evaluated as soon as you can … GL !
2 Likes
some families don’t have the income luxury of letting their children graze in food all throughout the day…schedules are good with a bit of spontenuity every once in a while. If junk food is being taken only provide healthy options and take the junk to your own closet and hide it and offer as treats every now and again, as junk food should be. Also get him looked at for vitamin deficiencies or nutrition issues…sometimes low blood iron levels can crave junk/sugar mainly for energy. Sometimes vitamin deficiency and low iron together can look like ADHD. Also have you had him tested for autism, if his diet is restrictive because he only eats certain food groups or things, his behaviour can be challenging/violent then he should be tested for autism, also dyslexia/learning disorders which can also go hand in hand with both Autism and ADHD. My daughter has Aspergers and ADHD (combined Ttpe) comorbidity. Our family also tried everything. Sometimes there was progress and sometimes not…you’ll find you have to pick and choose your battles. Respect and boundaries are key but need positive reinforcement, not negative/punishment, the emotions are going haywire in the poor boy sending him to the sin bin/naughty corner all the time isn’t going to do much. Putting in effort and engaging positively with him will, hubby will have to help too, perhaps with the other kids, but give him 1 to 1 time first just you and him and introduce others in slowly. Food options I’d be a little forgiving with that…adhd and autism spectrum people tend to have very fixed diets. go slow when changing that…and again positive reinforcement…encouragement and affection (high five, hugs, saying good job, I’m proud of you e.t.c). Good luck it takes time but they’re worth it I promise you.
You are the adult and if you feel you cannot handle it go to counseling. There is something driving the behavior.
Why isn’t his father asking for a change in custody, or perhaps someone should do a childlike report
You can do this…make him your special child. As he is being spoiled by his mum he feels less with you. So you can give him attention by spending time with him alone. find out what he likes n dislike are. And give him responsibility which only u tell him that you are depending on him. That you knw only he can do. Some times live your own kids at home n go out with him shopping n tell him to help buy food stuff and ask him to help you in kitchen. This small small attention means big things. Maybe this will help. All d best
1 Like
He’s obviously acting it - most likely because of the absence of his mother, and seeing how you are with your own children probably makes it harder. I’d suggest counseling for him alone; then for you as a family. But I also don’t understand how someone who isn’t hands on has primary residence… I’d look into that ASAP seems odd he’s getting medical from her… but somehow there are two parents involved? There are pieces of the story missing…
Used ??? Are you upset about the ADHD or the benefits ? What the real deal here ? You brought up his behavior and then ended it with you pay for everything on your own.
Sorry, but I feel like he doesn’t feel loved over there.
Cut out the snacks sugar and caffeine if he has ADHD and get him in some physical activities. He acts out from frustration , snacks amplify him and he needs to wear himself out
Used? Like a built in baby sitter? Your a step mom. Why did you marry his dad? I’m not saying the mom is wrong but you’re not right either
Buckle up because he’s probably going to have substance abuse problems during his early adult life
He’s abusing his siblings? He’s stealing? He’s lying? Get him serious psychiatric help. Like now. And if he is not getting his basic needs met at his moms ie baths, clothing and other needs met them that is abuse.
My brother is autistic and has adhd and a lot of this sounds v familiar 
For the people saying a child can’t steal food just 
food is bought for the family with reason, there’s stuff for meals, stuff for snacks, stuff for treats etc - it’s not a free for all especially for a child who has limited understanding and we’ve found the act of taking food without anyone knowing is a compulsion
Unless you have a child with these exact problems you can’t judge and comment about how youd do things - you’ve never found a tins under the bed that he’s eaten cold and hid - newsflash they smell - bigger newsflash, these were things he could’ve had cooked had he simply mentioned it
Getting help is even harder as a lot of the time you’re dismissed cause hey you’re kids got problems just deal with it, weve been v lucky recently and managed to get professionals who understand his behaviour and conditions and are working towards finding both the reasons and possible ways to help stop behaviours
ITS NOT EASY.
Commando parenting. Google it
He’s not ADHD, he’s just an undisciplined little shit with a mother who gives in to him just to keep him quiet. His father and stepmother have got a real task on their hands to try and straighten him out. Thus kid needs boundaries and discipline (and I don’t mean physical). He also needs some real love and attention.
3 Likes
All of this sounds like attention seeking with no impulse control or consequences thrown in. Children need rules, boundaries, limitations and consequences. He’s not going make it easy because he doesn’t know how. He needs a steady foundation under him. Right now he’s just floating and that’s a recipe for disaster when ADHD is added in the mix.
2 Likes
He needs a full body moment classes (tai chi etc.). Something that will allow his brain to slow down and give him more control over his impulses. Most children develop impulse control over time, but the ADHD brain is hardwired differently. It ALWAYS needs input. Good or bad input doesn’t matter to the ADHD brain. The stimulation is needed for them. Figure out his currency and use that to bring about changes in unwanted behaviors. Once you start catching him being good and rewarding the little wins, the good choices will be easier to make. Make a huge deal with the praises and let him choose 2 snacks because he asked versus punishing him because you found he he snuck one.
If the food is in the house, how can you say he steals it? Isn’t it there to be eaten by everyone? I strongly disagree with using the term stealing food. That’s child abuse in my book.
1 Like
He is not your child and you need to put YOUR children first, if he is physically hurting a 4 year old child he doesn’t need to be around YOUR child. I get it he has issues but that’s not an excuse, tell your hubby that you do not want him around unless his mom gets him the help he needs and that if he can’t stand up for his son & tell his sons mom to get him help then you will no longer be around. I know you love them but like you said it’s unfair to your children, they don’t need this type of behavior or person in their lives. Physical harm is where I draw the line and you should to. He’s 9 he can seriously hurt a 4 year old child. Put your children first and say something or get out because this behavior will not improve. ADHD doesn’t excuse it. And if you can not afford to get him help when he’s mainly with you because the mom has his insurance information than tell her that she needs to get him help and until then he is no longer welcome in your home. I say even bring this up in family court. Also he is 9, he can bathe himself and should be doing so, at his moms it seems like he has free range to do whatever he pleases, he needs serious help and asap
Making it anout u when there’s a little boy with special needs. Your a a classy one
3 Likes
If the mom isn’t fit, get full custody 
problem solved.
Wow between you judging the kid and having his own mother neglect him 
the boy doesn’t stand a chance
Document, document, document! Then consider your alternatives.
Tell your husband get help for his behavior. If he keep hitting his siblings i would honestly take my kids and leave. Your 6 year old and 4 year old don’t deserve to abuse.
You sound very agitated by this. That will get you nowhere.
When it comes to birth mom, let it go. You can’t change her and by openly criticizing her, you’re bordering on looking like this a jealousy thing and not a mom question.
She is not your problem. If you want government help, go to court and apply for it.
As a mom who married when my daughter was 9 my best advice would be to take a step back and get off the “mom chair”. You may think he needs a stepmother,but it has worked out better for us that my husband worked at being friends with my daughter instead of being a father figure. I raised her, I disciplined her, I worked at keeping her father on board.
Be the better person here.
Remember that he is a child. And a disabled one at that. Try to involve him when you can, but let dad do the heavy lifting and discipline.
You aren’t his mom, but you can make a huge difference in his life.
Sounds like you all need to get custody of him then get the kid some therapy!
4 Likes
As much as most parents don’t like the idea, medication for the ADHD, along with therapy can do wonders for his behaviors.
Adhd comes with a lot more than just hyperactive and inattentive behaviors, and sometimes, to help regulate those violent outbursts, medication is the best thing for them. I struggled for years with my oldest son before discussing medication with his doctor.
He tried Concerta, it didn’t work. Then we tried Vyvanse, and with a little adjusting of meds between 10 and 20 and back to 10mg , we found something that works. He still eats, he’s still active, he’s not anxious anymore, and hardly has outbursts that are unreasonable.
As for the mother, I agree with others. If it’s very apparent that he isn’t being properly cared for by mom, dad needs to go for full custody and mom needs to be reported for fraud.
5 Likes
His dad needs to step up to the plate discipline him
2 Likes
Poor kid. Can you even begin to imagine all the conflicting thoughts and feelings he’s having about how different his 2 lives are. Like that would be rough for even a fully functional neurotypical adult to deal with. He’s literally living 2 totally opposite lives and doesn’t have the capacity yet to deal with that stress appropriately.
I’d get him into some therapy. My kid needed little kid anger management and no joke the improvement was almost instant. She just needed to learn how to cope, process, and express herself in a healthy way. Her thing ended up being a punching bag. She starts feeling some sorta way, she just wails on her bag till the storm inside her calms down enough for her to make good choices.
5 Likes
I just kept trying and kept showing love no matter how many times I got rejected and we’ve formed a pretty close bond
2 Likes
The very best way to show real love is consistent discipline without wavering!!!
Sounds like adhd. I went through the same thing with my step son around that age. Once we found the right meds for him and therapy it got a lot better. He is 15 now, as he got older he understands what he did when he was younger was wrong and has apologized. Hang in there mama it will get better. The one thing that help the most was getting on the same page with discipline
2 Likes
Behavioral and emotional therapy seems like it would be a good option! Also, I think you said you tried getting primary but I would try again. Start documenting everything. Especially if his behavior drastically changes after hes been with the mom. Document how he looks when he comes back from her house and if you can, find a way to document how often he isnt with her when he should be. Theres absolutely zero reason he should be with her if she’s consistently putting him off on someone else. Maybe even try to appeal to her in that sense? Hes not her only child so she can still get benefits without having to have an extra child to find childcare for. Children need stability. It honestly doesn’t sound like he’s getting it at his mom’s house.
5 Likes
Behavioral therapy, family therapy, lawyer for custody, and have his mother checked for benefits fraud. Dad needs one on one time with him at least once a week- lunch, museums, park, whatever. He needs a little extra positive attention.
1 Like
Therapy and full custody is only advice I have…he needs stability and understanding
1 Like
OK. So I have a child with severe adhd, high functioning asd, and mild odd.
What you’re describing…sounds super familiar.
And I’m numbering to keep my thoughts in order…not to be hateful.
First thing. If medication hasn’t been considered, I would advise starting there.
My kid is crazy defiant (much like you’ve described your step child) when his adhd is not being treated or not being treated properly because his ODD is rooted so heavily into impulsiveness.
And that is so important. They literally lack self control and not because they “want” to be bad…but the ADHD makes it hard. Trying to resist an impulse…makes you feel anxious (I have ADHD too). And that is a really hard feeling to fight against.
As they grow up and learn more coping strategies it does get better, but it takes time.
Second. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency.
Kiddos with ADHD, don’t do well when rules change.
Honestly this may mean your husband taking mom back to court.
But it is so hugely important.
Kids with ADHD learn by consistent repetition, until those things become a habit.
Third. “Regular” discipline strategies just do not work that well for ADHD kiddos… Like grounding them for a week because they did xyz. They don’t have the executive function to make that connection.
Instead we’ve found two things that did work…
Short term consequences related directly to what the child does wrong. If my kid hits over a toy then the toy goes up for the day.
We do a very structured conversation. What did you do wrong? Why was it wrong? What can you do differently? This allows the child to own their behavior. Realize how their behavior affects others. And then ideas to replace the inappropriate behavior with an appropriate one while still letting him feel how he’s feeling.
A token economy system is another option. Good behavior gets him tokens. He uses his tokens to buy his privileges. Bad behavior has tokens removed and he has to earn them back by doing extra chores.
16 Likes
I know her feeling dealt with all she going through minus step kids one family member did some of the things her kid did .and my middle child same as well had put on meds .the family member m didn’t get custody.
Document everything and then have the custody order changed. Maybe if you have the assistance you can bring him to therapy. He definitely needs it.
Time to get heavily involved with professionals. I’d seek medical advice as well as counseling on proper techniques that you and dad can do and teach your younger children. Lastly I would have your oldest go to counseling and see if there is more going on. Honestly it sounds like he’s just slightly on the spectrum and with proper diagnosis, could come much relief for everyone. I’m sure he is struggling the most
2 Likes
Same problem here positive reinforcement therapy kids spill to everyone when it’s who they feel safe with I have 6 kids my 9 yr old boy has ODD went through all kids of steps it’ll we decided to try.meds I also did the ODD question on my recorded them so he wouldn’t think I was reading from my phone after he answered yes to all of them he had realized he was being lied to from the home during visits
ADHD sounds like your son can benfit from occupational therapy, or even art therapy to get him to express how he is feeling through art. Get him some playdough so when his mad he can take it out on that. CBD oil is really good to help calm down moodswings. Just talk with him and take him out just by himself, he probably needs a day with just him and dad. He’s always around siblings it sounds like and never just has time to be alone.
3 Likes
He is prob acting out honestly best idea is to go for custody so he can have a structured routine which will take longer than wit a mentally stable child and then just lots of love structure and constant Discipline it will take everything in u parents and the child and longer than usual and thru trial and error u will eventually find the best punishment reward structure and also maybe child/family counseling some ADHD children need meds at least for school no matter how much u don’t want or agree with it… I have a bio ADHD and bipolar child and a anxiety ridden autistic spectrum step child and my bio child was a challenge for us until she hit teen yrs and settled down a bit… love patients structure punishment and rewards constantly and therapy … Also stopping the child’s instability wit it’s home will go a long way
2 Likes
You know what to be honest what I would do is step back. Step way back from that child and let his father take care of him and deal with everything that has to do with him. Don’t watch him if his father is not there do not let him anywhere near your small children. He is not your child so he is not your responsibility.
It may cause issues at first between you and his father but for your peace of mind and happiness this is what needs to be done. You need to step back. Nacho child nacho problem. And I tell you this as a"step mom" myself. When my boyfriend’s kids first came to live with us I took on everything and then I became resentful and very unhappy and I had to step back. If I didn’t step back it would have destroyed our relationship, so stepping back isn’t to be mean. Stepping back will force him to step up.
4 Likes
Tell her that unless she wants to give y’all custody then she needs to take care of him more or go for custody. Ones you have custody you can do family therapy and stuff like that. But till you have custody you can’t unless the mother is there since she has primary custody.
This child needs to only be under your care. His adhd needs to be addressed ASAP with medication and therapy. You need full
Custody as he’s not being taken care of properly and he needs structure.
4 Likes
High protein diet helps with plenty of exercise like walks or Playing outside. Fight for full custody. Go back to court with proof u have him more then her. He needs behavior therapy
Take a huge step back mommy. Not your child. . Been there done that both his parents should step up. Been there it’s most definitely not easy
1 Like
See about options for counseling for the boy. There are several online options that may not be as expensive. And yes, document the mom’s shortcomings and neglect and go for full custody & benefits, even if you have to start a go fund me page to afford a lawyer and therapist. There’s still time to turn this boy’s life around but not much time.
Go for as much physical activity as you can to help him blow off steam (trampoline, mini or full size, is good for him & the rest of the family), enroll him in a martial art class, or Tai chi, yoga, or another moving meditation or swimming at the Rec center or YMCA. Have him listen to calm-down or relaxation tapes, guided meditation or something else that will talk him down. Give him options to blow off anger, like punching a pillow, going someplace he can scream, or going for a run somewhere safe… But therapy definitely ASAP. Also ask doctors/psychiatrists about medications.
Does the mom have SOLE medical authority? I would think dad would have a say. Even if you have to pay out of pocket it’s worth it.
Maybe you could get help from psychiatric grad students who could come observe your son and make recommendations after consulting with their professors, and they could also try different interventions to keep your other children safe. Put locks on the other kids’ rooms (you keep the keys on a lanyard inside your clothes) so they can get away from him and keep their toys safe when needed.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but thank goodness he has a caring person like you in his life.
For one this child clearly resents his other siblings. Got to be careful. Time to start looking for some hobby’s for this child. Needs discipline as in marshal arts . Something to get out the pent up rage . Also puberty is starting. Look into self regulation. It’s not the kids fault . Dad needs to step up and enforce boundaries . As well as yourself . Kids like this need hugs not a slap on the wrist . Clearly acting out because he feels like he has no firm concrete base. See if you can get him into watching some of those creating animations type deal. Or something along those lines . Either way he is bored . Once you find him a hobby or something to focus on to relieve that Boredom other things will settle . Been there done that.
Therapy for sure, could feel abandon
1 Like
He needs to be put in therapy asap.
1 Like
I have 2 children with ADHD. There’s a lot that goes with ADHD. My son lacks impulse control. He also has odd. These conditions do cause behavioral issues that can be difficult to navigate if not used to navigating.
I would never say he isn’t your problem because he isn’t yours biologically. He is yours as long as you are married to his father. But the bio parents need to step up in his therapy. They need to be doing more to mold him in a better manner and help him cope before they can expect for you to handle him by yourself. But he does need consistency, structure, and to feel as if he is loved like the rest of the children. Keep helping him. Children realize who they can count on after so long. Just make it clear that he has repercussions for his poor choices and you and dad stick to your guns. But people are wrong for saying not your kid not your problem. He IS yours because you married a man with a child. Make him feel loved even when he is in the wrong. Give him outlets to express that energy in the right way.
2 Likes
Counseling for your stepson and his dad too. Father needs to step up.
2 Likes
I’m wondering if his behavior is worse when he’s had significant time with his mom. He definitely needs therapy and have your husband get a lawyer about full custody. I’m sure the sugar in snacks is not helping. My advice is to stop buying snacks. Instead get healthy ones ( yogurt, fruit, cut up veggies. Make snack time fun. Put on a cutting board with some cheese and crackers. Give the child chores to do. Let him help preparing dinner or the snack tray. Sit down with just him n ask how his day is going. He needs one on one time with his dad too. Don’t give up on him. I would start with a visit to his pediatrician and a referral to a counselor.
2 Likes
First of all you sound like you have a lot of resentment towards his mom which is surely not healthy for this child.
Secondly I heard a lot of complaining but you mentioned nothing of what supports he has so that’s another red flag.
Sounds like its time to consider therapy and not just for him.
5 Likes
Sounds like you need to go back to court and readjust the order. The going back and forth isn’t benefitting him and it’s hurting the other children because you aren’t able to parent him appropriately.
3 Likes
He should have state medical insurance. Talk to the pediatrician and the school counselor about behavioral health. The biggest thing with therapy. Is consistency tho so you may wanna consider taking the necessary steps in having him placed in y’all’s custody. From the way it sounds the mom will probably not even care which is sad. The only reason she may fight it is because she will lose some benefits. Keep record of what you do and all the attempts to reason with her. If she refused you can start therapy an let the record show your consistency works but not once she is brought into the picture and takes off with him. Another big thing with mood swings is diet. My son is a bear if he hasn’t eaten good nutrition. He’s 10 and has ADHD. Try to remain calm while dealing with him when hes upset. My mom will tell scream and carry on and it only makes the situation worse with my son. I keep (to the best of my ability) a calm demeanor and tone and he seems to calm down faster and is more willing to talk. May take a little while to get him calm depending on how upset he is but it does work.
6 Likes
Sounds like dad needs to step in and maybe start spending more time with him one on one…tell him he loves him n maybe start teaching him what it means to be a big brother…as his role changes in each family…with mom he’s the baby of the fam…but with you guys he’s the big brother…sounds like he’s struggling with this family dynamic an could possibly just need more stability…kids need that to feel secure…especially one with adhd they need more of a routine to stick too an someone who is consistently there to keep them on track…bouncing around isn’t good for them an being left with other children often is probably hard on him…cause kids will be kids…is taking him in full time a option? Maybe ask dad to talk to mom about having him stay with you guys…as a boy needs his father more when coming to a certain age…there are just somethings with a boy that if the father is around to teach him, he would benefit greatly…just my opinion though .
1 Like
He needs one stable home, correct med cocktail n therapy. I have an ADHD bipolar son.I also monitored food n drink for red,yellow n blue dye additives.The correct meds may take a while.As my son grew up his meds were changed.Its worth all the years because he is terrific.
3 Likes
I feel a bit of resentment towards the mom and that can subconsciously come out on the child. I was the child in this situation it doesn’t end good.
1 Like
I had same scenario. We were scared to death. All the time. He had to live elsewhere. 25 years later and he has some record.
The father needs to get court order therapy if the mother won’t. He also probably needs meds. Check your state as well usually children at the age of 10 on up are old enough for juvenile if he is getting physical or breaking things but make that a last resort. His mental health need to attended to.
2 Likes
He sounds just like my 6 year that has adhd, ocd, ODD and bipolar. Has he been assessed? I know many are against medication but it has been a life saver with my son.
1 Like
CPS will eventually get involved if he is hurting other children, and you can be held responsible for neglect of your own children if he continues to harm them. His other home needs to be investigated and he needs to be in therapy. It sucks, but you don’t want to fail to intervene, because it could make you look bad later. Good luck.
4 Likes
There is a lot going on here and speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that, first, you and your husband should speak to an attorney to see if you have enough to win an adjustment case. Since you are on the dad’s side of this battle, you may not have enough ground even though it feels like it to you. Decide together when it is appropriate to pursue legal action and when you and your husband refuse to allow birthmom to take advantage of you. Some of the issues you are having to deal with with your SS are because of his age but a lot of it is because of the lack of control because of the situation between bouncing between houses and not having stability at his mom’s. The best thing you can do is create stability at your house. Establish firm boundaries with him. When catching him lying, there needs to be a consistent punishment for that behavior or it will get worse. Additionally, be prepared for you or your husband to punish yourselves if your SS catches you in a lie. When it comes to angry outbursts with toys, the SS needs to use his own money to purchase the new toys or work off the price of the toy. If he is physical with the younger siblings, have a firm (not yelling) discussion about how to treat others. The best thing to do to reduce the behavior (from my experience) is give him “big-brother” roles that are easy and fun for him to do. Like make sure the younger ones have their shoes on when you leave the house, help the younger ones with snacks, etc. Not only does this give him responsibility, it gives him a sense of control that he so desperately wants. The worse thing to do is treat him differently than you would your own children. All three need to be treated and disciplined exactly the same way. There will be times that he gets mad at you about it but deep down it is that stability and control that he so desperately needs and craves.
5 Likes
Handle him like he is your child with the same issues…you have to have lots of patients and I mean ALOT
Sounds like he needs his mom
3 Likes
Sounds like he needs a psych eval. I think there’s more to this than just bad behavior.
1 Like
Sounds like he needs love
First I would ask, What is ALOT of time? You didn’t state what the custody order was. I’m not trying to be rude, You stated Mom has other children in the home and is receiving Benefits, So she’s NOT receiving Benefits for this child alone, and in all honesty It’s None of your business. A Step Parents role is to SUPPORT the parent, NOT take over all the Parenting duties. Thats exactly what it sounds like, MOM is getting bashed on because DAD has put his responsibility on YOU. Maybe the real issue here is the Lack of Participation from the child’s Father? I would take a HUGE step back and demand his Father step the hell up. You stated, I feel like a Babysitter, Thats because his Father isn’t Parenting HIS child. It’s wonderful you have made one on one time a priority, But sounds like the ONE ON ONE TIME is needed with his Dad
Court first of all to get custody, and then counseling. It’s also pretty difficult for an adhd kid to go from youngest to oldest back and forth. I fear things will be getting worse before better
2 Likes
Divorce is hard on everyone involved, including kids. Mental health is a big deal and as adults we don’t even control over our emotions how can we expect our children to be in control of theirs? Therapy, love and communication. You can get through to him, just don’t give up on him.
first of all from this single mom, (who’s kids are grown ups now) If she gets all the benefits for him, let her have him, This will not change until she seeks help for these things & if she doesn’t,inform the welfare system, that you have the boy a lot more then her !!! I would be very careful having him around your younger children
You must protect your younger children! For years i tried to do it all, but bio mom is toxic and ruins anything good we try to teach the kids. Step back. Make dad step In. You protect your younger babies. Dad get him counseling. If he’s at your house more than was planned on call DHS. Get her case evaluated and yours adjusted. If no adult steps up, he will only get worse.