How do you deal with a toxic MIL who just doesn't like you?

My husband's mom is like a teenager, thrives off of drama and loves to start stuff in my marriage. My husband has seen first hand many of times where she has made me upset & cry. All he ever tells me is that he's sorry, but I'm not sure that I can take much more of her manipulation..
60 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do you deal with a toxic MIL who just doesn't like you?

Mine is the same way but instead of my bf not doing anything about it, we both cut off all contact with her

20 Likes

Honey my mother in law lived right down the street from me and my husband and had to drive past our house many times a day. Our daughter was over a year old when she finally decided to stop and see her.

2 Likes

I dealt with my husband’s mom for as long as I could, she’s a very toxic and manipulative person. And I talked to my husband about it. I told him he could have a relationship with his mom but my son and I won’t have anything to do with her and her drama. So we tried that for a while but the stress she was putting on him was affecting our marriage because he was so frustrated and stressed by her. So HE decided on his own to cut ties with her. She of course thinks I forced him since I stopped talking to her first, but oh well 🤷. We have had a much better life and marriage without toxicity in the picture.

7 Likes

Cut her out or leave. I left because he wouldn’t cut her out and now its too late

3 Likes

Tell him to get on her ass and not come around. He’s sure to be a grown ass man.

It goes both ways. She cant stand you either and your husband will be the one to decide if you dont. Im sorry your going threw this. I suggest hiring a good lawyer

4 Likes

Hubby needs to step up and have your back. In addition, it’s time to cut MIL off.

2 Likes

Distance yourself. Cant make your inlaws like you, they just wont change their mind once its made up so dont bother trying.

4 Likes

Lock the door. Screen your calls. Tell her to speak to him only. Also have complete communication btw you and him. No secrets what so ever. This way everything is out in the open and she can’t accuse you of anything.
Talk to him about a no tresspass sign so if she comes when he’s gone you can legally tell her to leave and return when he’s home. My grandma was this way to my Mom. It was a nightmare. I didn’t know who I was supposed to …mind. I was taught to respect my elders. Especially family. To tell an adult no was a spanking. It was very confusing when we visited. For your children’s sake. Do not have any communication with her at all. I hope it helps. God bless.

2 Likes

Cut her out of your life. Never ask him to choose between the 2 of you, but he can have a relationship with her without you having one. I’d be more concerned about him not standing up for you though.

3 Likes

I’ve cut her off completely at one point, my husband tried to force the issue, I did not budge. Then his eyes opened after something she said to me, we do after all this time speak to each other, but it’s more like aquaintances, and very brief, and spread out. We are civil, but it will never be the same. Also my children heard what she said, and they don’t care much for her anymore. And no I didn’t let them hear on purpose, I did not expect the message she sent, and my daughter overheard the message, and was absolutely devastated.

2 Likes

Just remember you husband is and was a victim of the narcissistic bitch to growing up. Thats why hes always appoligising. Hes a adult blah blah but he was a victim growing up and some people have great parents but unfortuately some have toxic parents and dont know how to deal with them as they deal with what they have known from birth. Control freck parents brain wash there kids. So put your big girl panties on and tell her to take a rod and run with it. You saddly have to take the bull by its horns! And control this mouthy witch as your husband cant and possiable wont til shes 6feet down and sucking on a kumera. Been a victim myself with both of mine and i have always been and will be a victim til they a pushing up flowers!

Divorce the problem.

2 Likes

This sounds exactly like my mother in law. My husband eventually came around to seeing my side of it and understanding the issue. He hasn’t spoke to his mother in almost 5 years. Your husband needs to learn to stand up for you regardless of if it’s his mother or not.

2 Likes

Almost 6 years no contact :raised_hands:t3:

5 Likes

Well in my personal experience just divorce him. He will always say he is sorry and do nothing about it.

1 Like

Its always the boyfriend or husbands mother. Like no one will ever be good enough or live up to a standard for their son yet its not as if they have always given there best to their son growing up. Toxic people need to be kept at bay, for the sake of your health and happiness, if u can, stay away and do what is best for you as no one else can truely make u happy but yourself and if anything gets u down u the only one that can really change that… Dont depend on anyone but yourself

1 Like

You don’t. Can’t change someone that thinks everyone else is wrong. Bet she plays the poor me card too. Get on with life. Don’t speak to her, don’t allow her at your home, that’s your safe space.
Why is it always the boys/husbands mother :roll_eyes::joy:

4 Likes

Your husband was raised under this womans umbrella, imagine the messed up manipulation she pulled on him, he is the one who needs help and if he insists on continuing his exposure to her before he gets it then you will always be dealing with her dysfunction – from her or through him

2 Likes

My worst experience was when I was fighting Cancer.
They invited us for Thanksgiving dinner.
We arrived 10 minutes late.
My MIL stated that they already ate Thanksgiving dinner.
I laughed so hard, I was in tears.
Until I realized that they were not joking!
They invited us and ate 1st!! (WoW)

:sunglasses::innocent:

3 Likes

that’s when you put your hand in a fist and go straight towards her face and make sure u brake her nose

5 Likes

I put my mil in her place since my husband wouldn’t. Our relationship has never been better. Not saying that the same will happen for you and your mil but you need to stand up for yourself if your husband isn’t going to do it

2 Likes

Bailey Thompson did i write this 3 years ago?

Get rid of her don’t call don’t visit ignore her

2 Likes

If he allows his mom to treat you disrespectfully then get rid of him . He has no respect for you

6 Likes

Stop talking to her.
If he eants to be around here, great. Support that.
You don’t have to be around her.
Don’t answer calls or texts. Cut off communication. If she comes over, leave.
No need to associate with her.

7 Likes

You don’t need to give in to her cause you know she wants to split y’all up but at the same time stick up for yourself! I’ve learned this the hard way

1 Like

Go no contact. Shut her show down

Block her. So ya don’t even know. Tell him not to even bring her up in your home, that he can deal with her your done.

3 Likes

Been here done that… babe just own it! Stand in your truth and power and like she doesn’t bother you at all! It pisses them off alot more!! Or don’t go to any occasions shes there! You deserve to be respected and treated right too!

Wow so many of these woman around! Cut her free and live your life! She will never change.

1 Like

From personal expierence you will never win. My inlaws pracctically broke up my marriage after causing many upsets and arguments. If your husband wont tell her to back off I cant see your marriage lasting …mine didnt…

5 Likes

Every time I read one of these I thank my lucky stars that my MIL is amazing and I love her :heart::heart:!

4 Likes

I have a [email protected]#$ of a mil also. She actually hit me in the face and her daughters tried to fight me. I live with the cun$. I’m moving out next month and I will never lay eyes on Dr. Evil again. Ignore her 100%

5 Likes

Dont deal with her at all.I just wouldnt even go around her.She is irrelevant at this point.Treat her as such.

1 Like

We haven’t spoken to her in years. My family’s piece is more important

2 Likes

Divorce worked for me and my first husband.
He’s still a mamas boy and single. She’s still a bitter mean old drunk.
I’m happily married to a man and into a family that respects me. The difference is life changing.

2 Likes

He needs to tell his mom to stfu or cut her off. My husband is a huge mamas boy but he would never in a million years let her disrespect me in any way.

Girl, My MIL was a Beast. It came to a point where I just refused to be around her. My Husband refused to deal with her behavior, probably because he knew it wouldn’t do any good. So I just told her straight out, if you keep acting like a beast I will treat you like one and I will not allow my child to be influenced by a person who chooses to be mean and vile. I was married for 34 years and was widowed in 2018. It wasn’t until his death that she became civil, but during our marriage I refused to be involved in any activity where she was included and I kept my son away from her unless she came to my house to see him and before I let her in the door I made her promise to act human and keep her ugliness to herself.

4 Likes

Put your foot down lol man I wish a bitch would with me … lol like how are y’all not being the bigger person and just cutting her out. Make her feel like a inch tall.

The best way to deal with toxic family, I’ve learned, is not to deal with them at all :heart: save your own peace momma

5 Likes

Stay away from her, no interaction

1 Like

Ignore her. She cannot upset you if you don’t allow her to.

1 Like

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes down to a mother and a significant other.
She’s his mother and he loves her very much. He can’t choose between the two, that isn’t right. YOU can choose, though. Stay away from her, stay home and enjoy your peace. He can spend time with her.

1 Like

I’d ignore her. Sometimes I have to ignore mine. She is toxic. Or you kill her with kindness. My MIL hated when I was so fake like she was to us.

1 Like

He needs to talk to her. One on one out of your earshot.
He needs to tell her she needs to accept you and your ways of doing things or her time around your family will be limited.
He has a woman in his life now -

1 Like

Ban her from your home if yr husband wants to see her let him go to hers and take the children with him

You are a grown ass woman (I assume), so stop taking her shit! Yes, your husband should defend you, but you’re capable of defending yourself. Speak up and stand up for yourself. If she treats you this way, she obviously has no respect for you and respect is a two way street. Don’t give it if you’re not getting it. One good “putting your foot down” should do it. It’s simple, you speak up and make it clear that she doesn’t have to like you, but she will respect you and if she can’t respect you, you (and any grandchildren) won’t be apart of her life. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Cut her out of your life. My ex MIL was the same and I always feared for when my daughter got married and she went through same but her mother in law is a dream and they get on Brilliant, I also get on great with my son in law and his mum, that’s the way it should be, also my son girlfriend is a darling and I wouldn’t dream of interfering in any of their lives unless they physically hurt my children or grandchildren but hand on heart I know that would never happen x

I went no contact with my mil for over 6 years before I finally threw away her son as well.

5 Likes

I cut my MIL out of my life. Blocked her number from my phone. My kids made the choice they wanted nothing to do with her. My husband still talks to her but only out of guilt that he’s all she’s got . I’ve told him I don’t care if he talks to her but the kids and I are not allowed to be discussed.

2 Likes

Cut her off but not the children from her. Many prayers

1 Like

Cut her off and if cannot stand up for you then time to replace him too. It is a form or disrespect. I live with a husband like that. Men who cannot stand up to protect their wives are weak and they deserve to move back and live with their moms. I haven’t spoken to mine for 12 years. Best decision of my life. I sleep better at night. Now my husband is upset and thinks I should give her a second chance because she is old. That boat has sailed many years ago!

1 Like

Call her out on it everytime - if she realised your not a push over she will stop !

I don’t put up with it. I laid down boundaries and when they weren’t being respected I stopped updating her on the kids and eventually it lead to her not seeing my kids :woman_shrugging:t3:

I have a sister in law the same way. Best thing to do and it’s hard. Ignore it.

then stay away from her, at least your husband is saying how sorry he is about how she is !!!. You are a grown up, if she calls, don’t answer, if she text, block the number, if she comes over, don’t answer the door

Cut her off completely.

1 Like

My mil got cut out of mine, my husband, and kids lives 2 yrs ago and have never looked back. She was always trying to start stuff between me and my husband and then Xmas 2 yrs ago told me she didn’t except my 2 oldest as her grandkids bc her son wasn’t their biological dad so she got kicked out right then n that’s that. Good luck. You will be much happier. Hugs

4 Likes

I’m probably not going to have a fan club when I say this….but when I have a difficult person to deal with I look at my reflection to see if possibly I may be contributing to the problem. A MIL CAN BE YOUR GREATEST ALLIE

4 Likes

Mine ever act that way again towards me they will be taken out of mine and my daughters life. I’ve done it once ill do it again.

1 Like

I’m so happy I have the best MIL. Love her to death. I’ve heard so many stories of horrible ones

1 Like

Her or me I’m done :white_check_mark:

1 Like

Set a boundary and stick to it. If that means cutting her off do it. I have, zero regrets here.

1 Like

I’d tell him y’all cut her off your you will leave. He knows she is toxic and hurts you. He has to make a choice now.

1 Like

Ugh, disgusting how some mother in laws are like this. Don’t put up with it and speak up for yourself. Cut her off. If she can’t respect you then she doesn’t respect your babies either. And your husband needs to also decide and set some boundaries. Package deal.

1 Like

Kill her with kindness. (This may not be the popular opinion). If you’re extra kind to her one of two things will happen. Either she will take a long hard look at her actions or your hubby will see her for who she truly is.

3 Likes

Invite her to go get a pedicure. Bake something and drop it off on your way to work. Compliment her outfit. Ask if she’d like to join you for a paint night. Take her to lunch and hug her when you drop her off. Tell her you appreciate the way she raised her son. Ignore her bullshit.

I’ve been in a similar situation, it’s best to stop trying, cut visits down to a few a year if any visits to a very minimum. It’s helped my relationship a lot and I’m much happier without having to hear from other people that she was bad mouthing me and saying hurtful, untrue things and complaining that I came around too much. :confused: I actually even got a note one chirstmas from her daughter telling me they ALL talk about me lol. Now they’re mad that there’s no realtionship but you can’t have it both ways 💁

1 Like

You don’t deal with that. You stay away and keep your sanity intact

1 Like

Same struggle :raising_hand_woman:t2: I have no contact with my MIL. I have her blocked on all social media & on my phone. If I see her out, I keep cordial out of respect for my husband, but that’s all. I do not invite her to holidays at my house anymore, and I do not go with him when he remembers to visit her. They have their own relationship that doesn’t include me.

3 Likes

I’m dealing with the same thing. Two days ago she attacked me infront of my 6 month old. Unfortunately I live with her because my SO feels bad she can’t make it on her own. I don’t talk to her and I just do my own thing. I’m in this relationship to be with him and I have no interest in having a relationship or letting my child with her. It’s tough but it’s worth my sanity to cut her out because she is toxic.

Stop being around her 🤦

Grey rock. Stop being around her. Stop communicating with her. Stop reacting to her. Give her nothing to create drama from.

Obviously crying about it is not working. Time to change strategies.

1 Like

Tell her tf off. Tell your husband if your marriage is important to you to end the animosity now, that’s his mom. If he can’t fight for you then you know, good bye. Life’s too short for anything that doesn’t help you live good.

Kill em with Kindness. Its fun.

1 Like

Just don’t.
Don’t engage, don’t encourage your kids to engage (do allow them if they ask), don’t participate.
My mother is like this, I’m thankful I don’t have in-laws, the struggle is real!
:two_hearts:

1 Like

I feel for you. If he’s not willing to cut his mother out/space himself so you can heal then you need to give him an ultimatum/leave him because trust me, it won’t get better or easier. You do not deserve that type of mistreatment from his mother. He needs to grow a pair and put his foot down.

Don’t go neat her any more your husband sounds like a mama’s boy he should talk to her.And tell her your his wife and stick up for you and tell her to cut the shit.

Just do your best to tune her out. Try to stay away from her if possible. She must be one unhappy lady for the way she acts. Good luck. God Bless

He needs to speak up to her. The longer it happens, the bigger emotional toll it will have on you. If he says something to her, and nothing changes, I would cut her off for the time being until things change. If she’s unwilling to treat you with respect and kindness, she shouldn’t get to be around you or your husband, or kids if there are any.

2 Likes

She sounds like a bully, and the sooner you stand up to her, the sooner you’ll get relief !!

I just quit going over there and inviting her to my home. It affected my children’s relationship with her Which I did not think was a bad thing. She was toxic until the day she died. I feel bad for my children because they didn’t have a relationship with either one of their grandparents I’m outside of the family, and barely knew my mother, and has a decent relationship with my father. It’s really sad.

Do like I did years ago tell her not to ever step foot in your home or atound you till she can show you respect…And if he cant defend you tell him to hit the door as well…

4 Likes

She’s bored and hates herself. See if you can get her involved with a hobby, organization, or cause, to deflect the attention from you and give her other people to gossip with. Pick something she’d enjoy. Heck, if she loves drama, get the local community theater to invite her to audition!

Call the person in charge & suggest they reach out to her and ask to remain anonymous. Channel that energy into something positive and it might give her the attention and validation she craves. Try something new every couple of months until she’s so busy she has no time for you. It’ll also give her something new to focus on and talk about besides you.

If it’s a religious institution activity, it’s good if there’s a weekday component so it’s not just on the weekend, like choir practices Thursday nights as well as singing Sunday morning for example.

Call her friends and suggest they invite her to exercise with them by walking together or with a group or joining a gym or taking a movement class. With luck, the exercise will boost her mind, body & spirit enough so she isn’t so bitter, socializing with positive people will shift her perspective, and she’ll be too winded to snipe.

In the meantime, you & hubs get counseling/therapy so you know how to deal with her and your own emotions better. How can you build resilience, a thick skin, learn to avoid, laugh at her ridiculousness, shield your kids, talk to each other, not play into her destructiveness. It can also help to have a trained third party talk to your man and help him see negative childhood patterns/deference to her, recognize how destructive MIL’s words and actions can be, and encourage him to change how he reacts to her to benefit your nuclear family.If that means cutting her out of your lives, so be it.

Invite her to spend time with the family without having to interact much: go to a movie, concert or performance where she has to be quiet, then drop her off right after. Or go to an amusement park and ride the rides. Or go on a bike ride or ice skating. Anything where she has to focus on something else.

My friends and I used to have teas with our moms (and sometimes dads). It gets them out of the house to socialize with peers and younger people, make new friends, and have some fun. Everyone talks to the other moms with whom there’s no animosity, yet each mom feels like they’ve had time with you. Serve whatever beverages and snacks you want. The moms are generally on good behavior because they’re with other people, some or most of whom they don’t know. Send invitations from whoever is hosting at their house or go to a restaurant or bar.

Iv cut mine off. And for the most part so has my fiance because of her toxic behavior. She lies, and loves the drama from his ex wife, she is up her ass no matter how horrible she is to us or the kids. They spy on me together and go through my social media and pick things to bitch about, and no matter how much I tried to win her love in the past, i eventually said fuck it cause it wasnt happening. She just loved his toxic, cheating, manipulating, bitter baby mama more then both me and her own son! (my fiance). I gave up for my own sanity and peace. She tries the nice card here and there but I dont buy it. I dont wanna be around her at all if I can help it.

The more you respond the more she’ll do it. Also you could try: if you are at her home leave and if she’s at yours and starts this ask her to leave and say i will not be disrespected in my home, id like you to leave. If your husband says something like she can stay, stand your ground and tell him, his mothers behavior is hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable.

We cut ours out of our lives. All toxic family on both sides have been removed from our life.

2 Likes

Call her out on it . Ask her what her problem is? Often times they will back down

I sent mine away in a cab :taxi:

4 Likes

Just say away. Only invite or go around her only when really needed. Your husband should speak up and let his mama know that you are his wife and he choose you to spend his life with. Sounds like to me he is not standing up for you to her. He should go alone and say this to his mama. If he doesn’t things won’t get any better because it sounds like she likes pushing you buttons as she would stop doing it if you are crying. She doesn’t care about your feelings only hers. Selfish she sounds to me. (Your husband is part of the problem if he doesn’t stand up for you)

She will never accept you
She will never be nice
My husband just allowed it. He got furious with me when I stood up for myself.
I DREW THE LINE WHEN I HAD KIDS. I WOULD NOT ALLOW HER TO BE MEAN TO THEM.

1 Like

Short visits, generic conversations, divert conversations, smile and ask Dr for something to help you stay calm if and when you see her Join the guys conversation

We havnt talked to my in laws in almost 2 years and its been the best 2 years of our 10 year relationship :ok_hand:

Boundaries are a must. But also is speaking your peace with the issues you have to her. If he isn’t going to stand up for you and by damn you should for your own self respect. Nobody should be treated that way and just have to deal with it cause “that’s how they are”. Not your problem in the end.

Block her . No invite to your phone your social media your home and your life . Hub can visit her at her home and once you put your foot down it better stay that way and do not backtrack. I did this 20 years ago needless to say I’ve been a happy woman for 20 years without her. Husband went to visit her on his own and it never came between us in our marriage. Your life should not be in the hands of a manipulating immature mother-in-law. You gave her power by putting up with it now you have the power for yourself so use it.

Cut her out of your life? Your husband should side with you & put his own mother in her place. Cut them out. It’s the best thing you can do mentally for you & your children. You don’t need to deal with that!

Stand up for yourself,
I’ve dealt with similar situations. Or just don’t deal with her