How do you get your kids to listen to you?

Alright mamas how do you get your children to listen to you? I have a 4 & 2 year old and oftentimes the 2 year old listens to me way better… my 4 year old is very defiant and i get extremely worked up trying to get her to listen. If someone else tells her something, her father or grandmother she listens. She back talks me really bad too by saying things like “no, I don’t want to listen” “don’t talk to me like that” or just be sitting there watching me get angry with a smirk on her face. When I do find a way to make her listen she will scream and throw a tantrum and by then I am so overstimulated I lose it.