I am currently with my children’s father, we have a 2 almost 3 year old and a 9 month old. He has a 6 and 8 year old from a previous relationship that we share 50/50 with their mother. I’m just not sure I love him anymore. Lately things are bothering me. He only takes his days off when he has his other two kids. In 2 years he has never taken a day off when it was just me and the little ones at home. So I have no help cleaning or catching up on chores because with 4 kids at home it’s impossible when he plays Xbox on his days off. I’ve been asking to go on a date or just to dinner or really anything for over a year and nothing’s has happened. Yet he has been to so many movies, hockey games, a concert, going on a trip with his friends out of state for the weekend, but when I ask to go to dinner he says he feels guilty because we don’t have the older two kids. So we don’t do anything because he says he feels guilty if he doesn’t have them. He literally won’t do things with just me and our little ones so I do everything by myself with them because he feels too “guilty”. I took them to see Santa, I take them to the park or the zoo, I take them out to dinner, just everything. Everything is by myself. We haven’t been intimate in 11 months. He constantly complains how the house is messy but won’t watch the babies so I can clean. He plays Xbox. I feel like he’s my roommate and not boyfriend. It drives me crazy that I in almost 3 years have not had a day to myself, or even a few hours just to read a book because he can’t watch them for more then 20 minutes because they want me or he can’t handle it. I stay at home with our kids and he has never given me a dollar. His money is his money. But I obviously don’t have a job because I’m at home with the kids. I’m just so confused. Is this how it’s supposed to be when you live with someone? I’m just so unhappy
No…that doesn’t sound like a healthy, supportive relationship to me.
It sounds to me like he’s become complacent in you doing everything. And it sounds like you haven’t been happy for some time and usually when people aren’t happy in a relationship it’s the intimacy in the bedroom that goes first. It sounds to me like you need to sit down with him and have a talk I’m sure you’ve already done this but you need to tell them that if things don’t change you will leave. It’s not fair to just walk away from a relationship without trying everything possible first but if nothing changes then you have to think about your happiness and your kids happiness first and sometimes being separated is better then staying with somebody who doesn’t make you happy
You just described the last year of my marriage. We didn’t have kids together but everything else is spot on. It’s definitely draining and not a good situation at all. Do some deep soul searching and if the good doesn’t outweigh the bad I would move on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. All I can suggest is communication. Sit him down and explain everything you’ve said. Maybe make a plan for a date night just the two of you bi weekly or once a month, and plans with all the kids and your kids. And explain that you’re going to burn out! You need some you time as well. If he’s not willing to listen, or make any sort of change then I’d say he’s not worth it and perhaps you should consider leaving. You have to take care of yourself too!
You need to read this to him and give him perspective on how he treats you and maybe, hopefully that will help. Seriously sit down with him and make him listen to you. If he doesn’t want to we’ll then you know it’s time to walk away. Literally just went through this with my SO and bcz i made him listen to me, brought some reality to his life and how much it will change if he doesn’t and so far he has done all he can do to change.
Just talk with him unless you really want to walk away instead then do it. But you will never be happy if you don’t do something
Get a sitter for a full day. Get a bit of cleaning done that’s been bugging you, have a nap, a shower and get dolled up. When he comes home, leave and take yourself out window shopping.
When he gets pissy about it, then tell him why you’re doing it.
Naw there are definitely Way’s around it, he feels guilty for the other kids? B’s because he doesn’t feel guilty or bad for leaving you home alone and him going on Trip’s without you doesn’t make him feel bad for you idk what will. Hes just not willing for reasons!
I mean yes some of it sounds normal, some of it doesn’t. The fact you stay at home means you are in fact responsible for the kids and the house and you only have 2 50% of the time. Him not wanting to leave out his other children is also absolutely normal because those are his kids so feeling guilty doing fun stuff without them is normal. Especially if he doesnt take his other two to do fun stuff without your two. The money thing, you said that’s been going on since the beginning? Well some people in a marriage dont believe in the what’s mine is ours thing nor are they obligated to and that’s something that should have been discussed beforehand. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and neither one of us have unprecedented access to the others personally earned money. We will help each other if needed but we dont share access.
Some stuff of your concerns are normal. Especially the part of him not wanting to do stuff unless hos kids are included. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t want to do stuff with just the kids you share. That’s where you need to communicate with him. As far as you guys not going on a date…have you put any effort into actually planning a date and not just telling him you guys need a date? Some men just aren’t good with that so is women need to take the initiative and plan it. My husband didn’t seem like he was planning a date night anytime soon so I called my mom to see if she’d keep our kids and I told my husband we’re going out to eat on the 18th. You need a day to yourself so plan a day. Don’t leave it up to him to plan the day for you. Hire a sitter for a few hours and go do your thing. Or go do your thing when he gets home from work. The money thing should have been discussed from the get go. My husband and I have equal access to our money and it doesn’t matter if I’m a sahm or not. You need to communicate. Not attack him, not point out all his fault but communicate like adults.
This is not how a relationship is when you live together and have children. He needs to have a chat about what’s what before you leave. I don’t think it’s normal at all for him to not want to do things when his other two kids aren’t there. You still have the other two that are his but they get the shaft on the Dad part because of his feelings? I’ve been down that road and I spoke until I was blue in the face. I had to leave to prove a point to him. You and your children don’t come second especially when they’re his children too. Sounds like he has some issues with himself. You’re the mother of his children but yet he doesn’t give you a dime? Also sounds weird to me yes you stay home with the children but you’re deserving of much more than what you’re getting.
I hate how normalized it is for women to carry the brunt of the load. It’s not even important that you stay home because he made the kids and he needs to put in the effort to take care of them. Feed them, bathe them, read to them. Be a god damn parent.
It sounds like you do everything and he just sits around. His job is 9-5 and yours is 24/7. He needs to take care of his kids his home and his relationship.
I can speak from experience when I say you can make EVERY effort and listen to his “I’ll be better” garbage for so long. At some point you have to love yourself enough to say that love isn’t being served here and walk away. Definitely do everything in your power to fix it but if only one person is doing the work it’s pointless.
I’m so sorry but you’re not alone.
My life is so amazing now. It took me 7 years to walk away but when I did…awesome things happened for me when I realized what I was worth and didn’t settle.
No that’s not how it’s supposed to be. My daughter when she had visitation with her father (he recently got married and emailed me that he’s choosing not to be part of her life “for now”) we’d still do things with our 2 other kids while she was there. We still do things with the other kids while one kid is at a family member or friends house. Also the fact the 2 older children are his it’s not right for him to expect you to do everything or not want to watch them, they’re his kids! What did he do before you came along? Never have them?
NO THIS IS NOT HEALTHY OR NORMAL.
I have had to talk to my husband about most of the same things you are going through, at one time or another, and I am so glad that I was brutally honest with him and it helped us move forward. I don’t know your guy, but he is not a mind reader. Hear him out, but make it very clear that it is not acceptable to ignore your emotional/physical needs when you are the full-time parent by default. It doesn’t sound like he is super invested in your relationship and that isn’t fair to you. If you both believe in your relationship then you need to start taking steps to remedy all of your issues; no one is perfect but if you try to work on it you will feel so much better.
I am not sure he loves you…
I would throw the xbox out and stop doing anything but tending to the kids. He doesn’t appreciate you
Bye bye Xbox, it’s interesting how he feels so “guilty” to do things when his other kids are not there, but yet can leave you to do his own thing and not feel any guilt. There is a reason the other Mother is not in the picture and I’m guessing she figured out that he is an immature, selfish trainwreck of a person.
So what good is he to you ??? Sounds like he is just extra work for you !
Surprise him with a date night. Find someone to watch the kids, hide the Xbox and tell him to get ready. Maybe he needs a night to refocus on you to remember the relationship you two had almost a year ago.
Dealt with this for 3 years. Finally left him and have NEVER been happier!
Haven’t had sex in 11 months… does he have a gf or what
No sex in 11 months? Yeah something is wrong. Get a job, save money & move out.
He’s maximizing his time with all of his kids. I’m not sure why that part is an issue.
But he needs to help with the housework.
I can’t imagine not loving someone anymore because of this, though. You’re just frustrated and angry (and maybe suffering from depression?).
That’s ridiculous. He feels guilty doing things without the other two kids but doesn’t feel guilty leaving you alone with the kids to play Xbox, go to movies, go on trips? Would like he just doesn’t give a crap anymore. I would say marriage counseling or leave him. Sounds like a giant ass hole to me.
No it doesn’t feel like that at all. If he loved and cherished you then you wouldnt have to ask him to go out and do anything. You wouldnt have to ask him. Leave him.
He barely goes out in public with you and hasn’t had sex with you in 11 months? Goes on “boys” trips? Momma, I hate to tell you, but something very fishy is going on.
If you want to save your relationship, then you need to speak to him. My husband has some mental issues, and we have been through thick and thin together, and although there were times that I thought I couldn’t do it anymore, the thing that saved us was communication. If you sit down with him, and honestly tell him how you feel and how you think it can be solved and he puts in zero effort to try after that, then you need to leave. It’s hard to be a sahm, do everything yourself, and get no alone time. My husband works 3rd shift so that means that even on his days off, he still cant spend a whole lot of time with us simply because he is used to be asleep during the day. But, he still makes the effort. He will take the kids if I ask, we go on dates when we can (he even plans them), sometimes he sends me back to bed and cleans the whole house for me. No one is ever too busy for their spouse if they love them. I understand feeling guilty about the other kids not being able to participate but how will he form a bond with his other younger children if he only puts in effort when his older ones are around? You need to talk to him, think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and make a plan b incase it doesnt help.
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You dont need him,Cuz you are doung things by yourself,he should love all the kids not just his.
Get a job and leave him.
That’s simple thing to do get rid of him just to be honesty he not man he is a boy with man body.
He’s cheating on you! No guy is okay with no sex for 11 months, and all those outings with the boys are not with the boys. Leave him!
That is not a relationship. No reason you guys can’t go on a date or why he can’t help you. I have been in your shoes. End it. It will not get better and you will always be unhappy. You are already doing everything yourself you don’t need him.
Everyone jumping In and saying that he’s cheating when really no one has any proof . They are a lot ! Of men how just aren’t interested in sex anymore and more interested in porn . Just because he doesn’t want to have sex or be intimate doesn’t mean anything . Plus that not the only issue here . Firstly take away the Xbox . Yes he will whine wit but he’s a fucking man and he will get over it . Then explain that yes he might feel guilty because his other kids aren’t with him but he is depriving your kids of that early bonding stage that he offered his other kids . His kids probably won’t don’t even care or
Notice if he goes out to dinner with you and your kids or if you go and see Santa . As long as all kids are getting equal time then no one will notice but atm your joint kids will only grow up knowing you are around them and not their father . He isn’t give your kids the same experience as his . Explain this to him . You need to have a proper sit down when the kids are in bed . No phone no tv . Nothing to distract . If he uses the excuse that he works
Then go get a part time job … when he’s home and your at work he will
Cope and he will learn . Sometimes it has to be thrust upon them .
I use to work nights and my partner days . Some times
I would go to
Work 2 nights in a row with no sleep at all . The longest I didn’t sleep for was 59 hours … I was exhausted but I was still expected to do everything else !
Then the tables turn and he does nights and I do days . He has now learnt to deal
With out daughter yes the house may sometimes be a mess but I deal with it because o know it’s hard . Yes I have a go sometimes
Because the dishes are still
On the side but I do them
In the morning because I have been in that situation and know how hard it is to expect something that is so hard to do when you have had 4 hours sleep .
He’s come a long way from
When I was on maternity when I was the stay at home mum . He never lifted a finger to now where sometimes things don’t get done but he appreciates everything I do and I appreciate everything he does .
IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON you as well as your kids deserve/need more.
NO! Leave. You aren’t his fucking mom. No, don’t take away the Xbox. Don’t explain anything. He’s an adult. Not a child. Boy, bye. Seriously.
Hun you know how you feel, you want change, make change. I personally would not stick around for that I work to hard and then come home to house and my 3 kids and my old man still treats me like morticia Adam’s lol nah you can have that too.
Definitely not how it’s suppose to be. Sounds more like a mother & son relationship than an actual relationship.
You teach people how to treat you. Make plans with a friend and go out. Leave the kids with him. Get a job and work to make your own money since he feels like you don’t deserve any money of your own. Make sure you work on the days he has off and once you come home from work, ask him where dinner is and ask why the house is a mess. Trust me on this one girl.
Grab someone who will watch them. Go by yourself . Do something . Or talk to him maybe he’s thinking the same thing
Hide the cords to his Xbox.
When the older two are with their mother does their time in life stop? No it doesn’t! So life in your house doesn’t stop because they are not there. Yes it’s hard to accept, but once you accept it everyone will be a lot happier.
As a mom you need to find a way to get out.
Find a hobby, job from home, something to get to socialize with other adults.
But if he’s finding ways to go out and not do stuff with you I would be having a come to Jesus meeting. That ain’t happening. If you’re in a relationship you also make time for each other: not just friends and an inanimate object.
You need to find balance in your life.
Answer to your last question: No, that is not how you’re supposed to live life with someone who you’ve made children with and live together… I would be having a super important talk with your boyfriend
Get a job and move out . Hes 90% seeing someone else
Get a job, go to work, get out and be around adults, if he is ever going to change it will be then, if not at least you can stand on your own 2 feet with your little ones and move on.
Best of luck!
Get a jooob, and get out of the relationship. You can’t subject your kids to a unhappy mom and a father don’t care.
Nooe. Sounds like he just doesnt care to be honest and no i would not be sticking around.
Maybe getting a sitter is one of the main issues?
I’m a stay at home mom. Not because I want to be, but because I can’t find a sitter to save my life. I couldn’t afford it even if I did find one
I know what this momma has gone through and it’s tough. I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. I believe she loves him and he may love her, he sounds very selfish and self centered. I hope she can level with him somehow. I’ve been there before and it’s so hard!
Sounds more like you have an overgrown child, if he wants to act like a child instead of your partner have a talk with him and if he refuses to see reason you should look into separation or something, not really calling it quits if yall don’t feel that’s the right thing to do but he’s a grown ass man in a relationship, who has kids and seems capable of providing so really there’s no reason he can’t have a conversation on how to better your relationship
Sell the Xbox problem solved for that one
Second tell that dick head straight lol
Life is too short and everyone deserves happiness, if u arent happy why stay with him. You deserve better. It’s a difficult situation but u will b fine. Get a job and get out of there. See if u can leave and stay with someone little by little get urself out of that situation.
No its not if he cant take and make time for you get rid of him
I think you need to leave and be happy! I had the exact same relationship with my two eldest children’s father and I left. I was so happy after. Im now married and had a 3rd child with him. Xx
Leave , by the sounds of it his presence won’t be missed
I wouldn’t of put up with him spending more time with mates movies games
You can’t fault him for spending time with all the kids however it sounds like lies about spending time with you and your children
This isn’t a relationship find someone who loves supports and appreciates you
Life is way to short
Your relationship sounds just like you said “roommate status” You and your children deserve better and it’s up to you to fix it. I know 2 people who you could be describing right now… 1 uses his girlfriend to Mother his daughter because he has custody and the other friend is in the roommate status. Everyone is miserable!! Life is too short and children learn what they see. Your children will mimic you, remember that. I’m sorry but your children’s sperm donor is just that, a sperm donor. It’s so sad he doesn’t show your babies the same love he shows the others and he’s the father of all 4!! Something isn’t right with him!!