How do you stop feeling guilty about cutting off toxic family members?

I need some words of wisdom and possibly advice, so my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship, and now that I have a son, it has only gotten more complicated. My mother was previously watching my son some nights while my husband and I worked, but after multiple stories and being told by my son that my mother and her husband argued and fought in front of him, we decided he did not need to be in that environment, so she no longer watches him overnight. My mother has a past history of bi polar and anxiety issues, so I know what my son has told me is most likely the truth. Now she is constantly blaming me for her being unable to see him or watch him unsupervised. I am so torn I know I should not force my child to be with someone he doesn’t feel comfortable with being alone with but her mood swings have just become to much. The holidays are coming up and she has a history of ruining them. How do you deal with toxic family members? How do I stop feeling so guilty?

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No one in your family is more important than your children

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Your son comes first. Can you just visit your mum with your son and not leave him alone with her?

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If your child is uncomfortable being alone with her/them, then don’t leave him with them alone! Honestly I would just say you want the holidays to be alone time for your family. She can huff and puff but in the end if she is making everything dramatic and ruining holidays, and you’ve already tried to discuss these issues with her, it’s best if you just tell her that if she doesn’t change and work on her own behavior then she isn’t allowed to see your child anymore because he feels uncomfortable. If you’re at the point of thinking to cut her out of your life, then she’s probably too toxic for your child to be around and you need to do what’s best for your child.

You can miss her. That’s ok. But it’s not your job to make sure she acts right. It’s hers. Allow yourself to realize that her toxic behavior is her fault, and if she’s not willing to change, then you don’t have to feel guilty about not letting her in your life.

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Im raising my kids half the country away from my family.

I’ve been no contact for almost 13 years. It was the best thing for all of us. She has actually never met my youngest child.
You don’t have to tolerate it. You don’t have to subject your son to it. Even if your not ready. Boundaries are very important. Some people are very good at manipulating the issues. Don’t fall for it. Keep your boundaries clear no matter what.

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I cut my dad and i dont feel bad about it nor do i have any regrets. He lives not far from where i live supposedly but I don’t know where nor do i care. Also don’t have anything to do with my parents but i made that decision before they could. I just surround myself with people i know that truly love and care for my kids. Kids comes first.

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My counselor asked me if I would let my friends treat me the way my family does… I said well no. He said just because you share DNA doesn’t make it ok. In fact, it will be harder because you are family.
Haven’t spoke to my sister in 10 years. I haven’t spoke to my mother in 7. Haven’t talked to my father in 4. Then my brother was the last to go 2 years ago. MY KIDS AND I ARE SOOOO MUCH BETTER NOW!!

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Try reading the book “but it’s your family” it helped me a lot in dealing with my brother.

I walked away from a toxic family member 3 years ago. I had to for my physical and mental health. It is hard at first (okay some days I really miss her) but you really have to focus on you and your lil family because your mom is probably never going to change. Sorry sweetie

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Try and have a talk with your mom. Most people that suffer from mental health fail to take there medication on a daily basis or it’s not the right one. Just remember it’s not her fault she has a mental illness.

Dont feel bad about protecting your child. You need to make sure he is in a safe environment.

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Your child comes first

Cut them off love them from a distance but they just got to stay over there,wayyyyyyyy over there!well as for me

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A relationship is both people. I had to cut it off when my daughter was little. She hated both of us and I couldn’t put my daughter through that. I wouldn’t feel guilty for protecting your son.

Well you knew what she was like before she had your son :woman_shrugging:t2: you know she as mental health problems so if your son said he does not want to be at his nanas then don’t just tell your mum that

Our kids and mental health should come before anything and anyone else. I’ve walked away from a lot of blood because it was just that time. It needed to be done after so many chances. You don’t have to feel guilty, or explain yourself. Don’t let anyone dim your shine Mamma! It gets easier, I promise!:heart:

At the end of the day it’s about about your mental state and your childs. My children do not see their paternal grandmother because of overstepping boundries, trying to blackmail us, threaten us and go as far as call cps even though there was nothing wrong. When we did give her a second chance she turned around and threw them a birthday party without our permission. At some point you just have to say enough for your child, especially if their uncomfortable or being put in the middle of adult conflict.

Your family is your hubby and kids now. Harsh as it sounds, cut off the toxic b4 it ruins YOUR family!

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If you think you feel crappy now imagine if you didn’t cut the toxic out and something was to happen to the child. you would feel much worse it’s always better safe then sorry especially when it comes to toxic family members!

You don’t because you’re normal.
You just learn to live without it.
Know that the choice you’re making is for yourself, make peace with that and move forward.
:v:

You don’t owe anyone shit because they are your family. If someone doesn’t know how to act, fuck em. She thinks she can get away with it and ruin your Holiday time. Don’t let her do it

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Darling, I’m sorry to hear that this is such an issue. It’s a lot easier said than done to just say drop ties. You can tell her these words “I understand that you feel hurt that son doesn’t get to come stay much anymore. I apologize if you feel that this is aimed at or a direct judgement of you, it isn’t. I feel like I understand how a child can feel when you have uncontrolled mood swings in front of them- and while it isn’t your fault, my job as a mom is to protect and comfort my child. I feel that until you are more stable more often, this is how it will be. You are free to call/text/write/ come visit- but I draw the line there.

If she says anything to you or gets angry, *this is the mood swing I’m discussing mom. I’m trying to talk civilly to you and you are yelling at me. I do not want the same reaction for son.

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Bipolar disorder sucks! Unfortunately my children’s father has it. And won’t stay medicated! I feel so bad for them! He will literally go years without any contact with them and then drop back in as if nothing happened. The mean horrible unnecessary things that he has said to them. Just absolutely breaks my heart! I know your pain. You have to stand your ground. If she’s not gonna medicate then she shouldn’t babysit

Don’t cut her out completely, bi polar is a hard issue for all involved. Visit when either you or your husband is present. If it starts to get to where she’s showing signs of her bi polar is coming to the surface, that’s when you end the visit. Her meds may not be working properly or not the right med altogether. Ask if she is taking them like she should be. She is your Mom and she needs to see family. I suggest you read up on bi polar to gain more knowledge about it. It can be the reason they are arguing.

Do not feel guilty… I’ve had to cut people out…especially if they don’t mind disrespecting you and your family, OVER stepping boundaries, not putting effort into you and your family while you put in ALL efforts… Your self respect, dignity and peace of mind as well as your child’s are way more important… It’s cliche, but Actions really do speak louder than words

Let your child build or resist the relationship. Supervision is required. #1 protect your child. This is your child not hers. If it doesn’t go well you can pull away. If it does don’t trust too much ever or too quickly. Do not care this is your child. Your #1 priority is your child’s wellbeing. Not anyone’s selfishness to see your son.

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Sometimes you never quit feeling guilty, that’s the difference between you and the family or person that hurt you… You acknowledge the hurt they may not… Save you, save your son, and live your life… you don’t need the negative energy that drains a spirit

Being bipolar is hard for everyone involved. Try to encourage her to go to counseling and getting on meds. It may take awhile to find the right meds but once she does it will be better. Get informed about being bipolar and how to help her.

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Stay away from toxic family members

I don’t feel guilty. Ever.

As long as you allow it… it will continue. Skip this holiday and see if the attitude changes. If not… you have your answer for the future.

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Idc i had to block all of his family. Toxicity city

There has to be boundaries, and she has to respect those boundaries. You can set these boundaries in the most loving and calm compassionate way but they still need to be implemented and she needs to respect what you feel is best for your family. The guilt is something that is brought on completely by satan, and it is so easy to fall victim to it. Pray for the lord to give you the strength and the peace you need to move past the guilt and recognize that God has placed these motherly instincts in you for a reason and that is to protect your sweet baby. Ask yourself, if there was even a 0.01% chance of something happening to your child when you had a gut feeling about something, is that truly worth feeling guilty over? It’s not. Prayers for you

It’s taken me a long time to understand that self care (including boundaries) is not selfish. I had to understand that other people are allowed to feel however they need to in response to my need for a non toxic relationship, which sometimes mean not having that relationship at all) not taking their reaction personally and understanding that what they think feel and do is their responsibility to deal with, not mine has helped me be able to not feel guilty. Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish, no matter what anyone else says :purple_heart:

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Honestly, you will never stop feeling guilty, but you do have to set boundaries, as has been said above.

Are those family members feeling guilty for pushing you into that decision ? if not then you know you made a good call. parents have to advocate for their kids. you have done exactly that.

My therapist said seeing my mother was like drinking poison. Why do I keep lifting the spoon to my mouth? So I said ok but I need closure. So I’ll go see her and I’ll know that it’s the last time bc I need to protect myself and my children. But you dont have to cut her off. In fact, invite her to go have pizza at one of those fun places. Or grill out at the park or go bowling. Then go your separate ways after. She’ll get to visit grands and there will be an activity to focus on.

You just have to put your kid first. It’s that simple. If he is uncomfortable that is enough to set the boundaries you have or even cut ties entirely. You know what’s best for your son. As far as the guilt. It’s hard but don’t ever feel guilty for doing what is best for your kids.

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Let her see him, at your house and supervised. If that still goes array or she lays a “guilt trip” then just tell her, be forward and black and white its this or nothing. Its hard

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Gets easier with time. For me and my family, we moved over a thousand miles away so we no longer had to deal with the toxic family members on a day to day basis.

be honest. Tell her why. he does not HAVE to go there.

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Ok is she complaininh

Realize it’s healthier and those kinds of people suck butt.
Doesnt matter who or what you come from, or what someone is supposed to be to you. If they are toxic or not healthier for you, life will be SO much happier, healthier, brighter, and just better without them in it.

The first step may be difficult, but once you start doing it you realize it’s as easy as snipping a flower. Tooda-loo fools.

Remind yourself hes your child and he comes first stop giving into her drama everytime she doesnt get her own way .Do you really trust your child around someone with such mental issues i certainly wouldnt .Shes already proved she cant act in a civil manner around him .Im not sure what else youd actually need to know…

Toxic is toxic and if she don’t see the problem than well . Your child comes first period. Save him. :heart:

So I had to cut out a third of my family after my cousin tried kidnapping my son (fun story). Anyway, none of them saw anything wrong with her actions, and we had had a sorted past as a family at best, abusive, controlling, manipulative, and thieving at worst.
I finally put my foot down and said no. No more. Do I feel bad they have never met my other son, yes. But I know it is better for him in the long run. My older son has no qualms about it. He has 1 cousin from that side on fb and they talk periodically and I don’t stop that. But we don’t do visits or family get togethers with any of that part of the family.
I don’t think the guilt ever goes away persay, but if you know you are right it gets easier to bare.