How should I handle this situation with my sons dad?

I guess I will start with some back story. I have been married for six years and have three beautiful children. The oldest is 9. He has a different dad than my other two. My husband stepped up and took care of the oldest as well, like he is his own. My son still sees his dad. In fact, we are all really good friends now. Including his dad’s fiance. So anyways, my son plays hockey. And this weekend is his first traveling game. Well, his dad decided to take a weekend trip and said he would be back in time to take him to his game. His soon-to-be step mom went on a retreat with no communication. Come to find out, our son’s hockey stick is in his dad’s trunk, which is very unfortunate because the fiance took his car on the retreat. So whatever, no big deal. My husband took him and bought him a new stick to use tomorrow at the game. Well 10 pm this evening, my son’s dad calls and said he is stranded. We would have to take him to the game. Cool, fine, we will do that. However, he never brought us his skates. They are at his house, which is locked. I’m super annoyed. Not at the fact that we had to buy a stick or anything like that. But the fact neither of them cared enough to make sure he had everything he needed before they took off. As petty as this may be, we have it set up in our court paperwork that I am not to deal with hockey financially or taking him back and forth. HOWEVER. Just because we have it wrote up that way doesn’t mean I don’t go to all his games or take him to practices. It is over $1500 for him to play every season. My son is crying to me that his dad needs to grow up. He is upset that he plans these last-minute trips and leaves him out all the time. I should also have in that his dad went to Disney without him two years ago! He promised him he would take him this year. Well, just a few weeks ago, he told him he couldn’t. I try so hard to be friends with this guy, but he is always filling my kid’s heads with empty promises. Am I silly for feeling this way? There is so much more to our story, but it would take me years to write that novel.

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Son has already worked out his dad is a loser and it is up to him if he wants to confront his dad because dad really isn’t setting a great example. Either he makes sure son has everything before he leaves or you present him with a bill for what you had to buy because it was at his house or in his car. Ex fiance sounds like a peach takes the car leaving no means of transportation. As for Disneyland he should have taken him or made no reference to his having gone or made the promise to take him. Sometimes I feel relieved my children’s father never came around.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I handle this situation with my sons dad?

Let your son tell him exactly how he feels…but be there and sit down as a group

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If you know that your child’s father is childish you should have also made sure he had all his stuff. That’s your job too. Co parent and do more than what the court orders say. Do better. Be better.

Your not silly for feeling that way. And I agree have him tell his dad how it makes him feel

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Tell ur son to express himself to his father. And u sit right there with him and validate him and back him up.

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My dad was the same way… sadly he never changed. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and say a prayer that your sons father does♥️

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tell yur son say hey look dad i am tired of these empty promises yu say oh we will do this and that and yu never do it.

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As primary caregiver it is your responsibility to make sure he has his hockey gear. He should have a hockey bag with all his gear. That bag goes with him to games and practices and us brought back home. Not left at the other home or vehicles. If he is staying with dad, when he comes home all that gear comes back with him. As for broken promises, the 3 of you (mom, son, and dad) should sit down and let son express his feelings.

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Yeah thats not on, poor kid has every right to feel the way he does. The father should have made sure everything was together and your son had it all before he went off. Him and his partner have basically neglected this boy. I would note everything down and if needs be take it back to court and get them to step up and consider his son a bit more than trips away! One day your son is going to resent his dad for how he’s treating him.

Make both ( dad and wannabe step mom) hear how they make him feel. My oldest son is adult and never really knew his father ( father choice). If they passed each other they wouldn’t know that. My point is be there for your child.

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What I did with oldest dad is I told him to tell me when he was gonna come get her, or take her somewhere. I told him never to tell her when he would come because if he didn’t show it was left to me to explain why he wasn’t there…and that wasn’t fair! I say, tell the dad to let you know when he’s coming and don’t tell your son until he’s on the way…and if he’s a flake then I would wait until he’s at the door to tell him get ready your father is here to get you. It takes the hurt of him not showing up off your son (well a little bit if it) and it helps you to not be the bearer of bad news when it comes to his pops. Good luck :crossed_fingers:t5:

Well been here a few times and for the trip idk (never been threw empty promise) but the equipment been threw a million times my ex forgot everything) sorry to say but your son have to make sure he has everything when he goes back-and-forth it’s the only thing that works they got to grow up faster that’s all. I am not being mean or anything u just r not gonna change the ex so practice with ur son he has to make sure he has everything.

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You will never change him I’d suggest getting two sets of gear one for your house (for situations like this) and one for dads. I’d still have your son talk to both dad and step mom to express how he feels. Can’t be disappointed if you don’t have expectations is my advice for you and your son. Unfortunate but it’s what is going to bring you peace!

Your son needs to sit his father down ONE ON ONE. He needs to tell him exactly how his father’s actions (or lack there if) affect him and make him feel!

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Life happens Im sure he would never intentionally fuck up his sons game

Gear stays with the kid always. Just in case. The post describes his equipment both in cars and homes. Not good. Keep it with him.

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Ok but it’s the boy who plays hockey he should be responsible for his own things, you’re just going to have to sit out this week because YOU didn’t make sure that YOUR things were packed.

Similar situation here. My son’s 12 though. I encourage my son to express his feelings to his real dad, and i tell him not to make ANY promises because our son doesn’t even believe him anymore. And my son outright told him tht he feels like I’m the only one who’s ever been honest w him.

My Ex and I share our son. Our son plays travel Baseball and basketball. Ryan has a bag that goes with him. All of his gear for that sport is in it. Your son is so young the adults will need make sure everything is in it. Or make a list for your son to check off.

There is nothing you can do the past. Let it slide and move forward with a plan!!

Maybe the father should supply equipment for both house it’s just that easy

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If dad has stuff and knows he has a game and no skates, have him Venmo money for some in order to let son play……. That way he has 2 sets, one for each house. You keep the second set when you pick him up.

Why don’t you have a set of back up equipment at your house?

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You know sadly some dads give 3 shits about the kids feeling… My oldest told his so call dad bout his feelings and his response was you will get over it grow up your a boy… All i can say is talk to your son and be there when he needs it… He will grow up to know that his so called dad is an ass

This is his dad’s problem not yours :sunglasses:your there to root for him. But first do this sit down with Dad and kid and let your son tell him how he feels then let the the chips fall where they may. He is in charge of this not u stop, being in the middle of it after this. This is his relationship with his Dad u r not part of it.

Let your son call his dad and tell him how he feels. Maybe a good kick in :peanuts: verbally would help him realize how much his actions are hurting his son.

Debes hacer más responsable a tu hijo sabiendo cómo es su papá, así no pasan estas situaciones , si el no puede llevarlo no importa a fin de cuentas te tiene a ti … pueden ir dejando aún lado al papá pues no es responsable

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You just keep doing what you do as his mother. Maybe buy him a used back up pair of skates. So when his dad pulls last minute trips you don’t have to stress about it you just carry on as usual. I’ve been in same position but I’m the Step up mom n the bio was carefree and took trips n have empty promises and I was there to pick up the pieces. I learned to just act as if the other parent didn’t even exist unless she contacted us. We had sports schedules and had our own equipment we purchased and whoever’s house she was at she wore that gear and we kept a spare change of clothes for changing into if she was leaving to go to opposite parents house she arrived to the events in. Really it’s a head game and if you feed into it it just grows and grows. The new wife seen that hockey stick in car when she put her luggage in trunk to travel she knew the child had a game she kept it for spite! And the bio dad is just as guilty for allowing her to act in such manner. I promise if you don’t say a word or let them know their wrongs ( from you let your son speak for himself ) you will see a huge change! Hope all gets better in time. I would love to see an update on this story!!

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The one good thing my mom did with my dad, who was kinda like this, was to tell my dad to stop using “I promise”, he could say “I will try”, but he couldn’t promise me anything, cuz 9 times out of 10 it didn’t happen.

If your son is OK telling his dad how he feels then you need to get together if he’s not then see if your son would either write his dad a list or a letter about how he feels or does a voice recording of it all to pass. Always better coming from the children, if not then us mums have to stand up for them n tell him straight to start thinking about his sons needs before his own xxx hope all goes well xxx

Don is old enough to let him speak his mind, coming from you will be “bitching” maybe from his son it will sink in like hey I’m a asshole today

Make dad buy two items of the gear he uses . Why because when dad and step mom want to play the bs game and go away for what ever reason. Your son will always have his gear in your house . All the adults need to sit with your and hear him out .

Don’t rely on him keeping promises. My daughter dad just disappeared for 6 years and only tried to become present when I requested a child support increase. They don’t have a good relationship because he didn’t try to put her first. Now he’s remarried and fathering his wife’s kids better than his own. You and your husband be there for him and do for him.

I would be annoyed also. His actions have upset your boy :boy: Does his dad know that the skates are at his house. Maybe he has a spare key hidden or with someone?

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My son now 9 has the same issue with his dad & now has realised that his dad is a waste of space. He eventually started to tell his dad exactly what he thinks. Not that his dad changed as he hasn’t & likely now not to change. He doesn’t follow court order either & doesn’t provide so myself & my partner show him & do what dad doesn’t. Maybe your son could write down how he feels & give it to his dad with a hope that he steps up & does as he says or your son can refuse to go & you & his dad that treats him as his own have the relevant stuff he needs so that he doesn’t have to end up feeling so hurt & sees that your the reliable parents who don’t let him down. My ex has a wife & treats her kids better than his own & also my son sees this & all I can do is just be there to rectify his failings towards my son. I really can see why your annoyed it does get draining seeing your child so hurt X

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I handle this situation with my sons dad?

No you’re not silly. Protect your son emotionally and tell his dad to eff off until he can step up

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Yes you are being petty regarding the stick and skates. Thats life…stuff happens, deal with it.
As far as your child being dissapointed by his father, that too is life and he has to deal with that. Your job is to help him learn the skills he needs to cope with disappointment, dont stuff it up.

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No you are not silly for way. Your sons dad is setting up your son for heartache everytime he makes empty promises to him. I would tell your ex everything your son has said and request he stop making these promises until it lock stock and barrel tight. He can tell you but not your son until it is happening. As for the hockey he needs to pay up and I personally would ensure I had all my sons gear prior before daddy goes away and tell him well because you are very unreliable I have to make sure we have what he needs because well this isn’t the first time of you guys doing this. Try to be diplomatic about it because it could ruin the relationship you have going on but he needs to realize how much this is hurting your son.

Someone in that circle should have made it a priority to see that he has what he needed. Sounds like parental failure, on their part.

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Did u also make sure your son has/had everything he needs?

I mean he’s both of yalls responsibility both separately and jointly.

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Your son will grow to see how his dad really is. My middle sons dad used to be exactly the same but this last year he has done a whole 360 he’s actually involved now not just when he needs to be. Let your son form his own opinion on his dad and you just be there when your son needs you.

First I think this is a great lesson for your son to start being responsible for his gear and know where it is. It’s unfortunate plans changed but that is a part of life and there really is no bad guy in this scenario. The relationship between Dad and son is theirs and if it hits rough patches they will work it out. Just be a supportive co parenting mom.

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If the items were at the dads house and he said he would be back in time to take him. Then the dad is to blame and I would also be aggravated. He could have at least brought the items to your house for the just in case situation. It was irresponsible of him. For future, id make sure he has skates and such as your house since his dad is not reliable.

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I think the child is old enough to be responsible for there own things! Have him to make it a practice to do a last minute check before getting into the car before leaving. Or call the morning he is supposed to come home and tell him to gather his stuff and put it in the car as soon as he wakes up. It is never to soon to teach a child responsibility. Also I would like to add you can put a Disney cruise on layaway. I would discuss with the father to donate to the cruise so you and your husband can take your son. They even have a adult section I think the cruise is better because you get to also go to a destination of your choice as well. Keep in mind for a family of 4 it can run you about ten thousand dollars including round trip airfare and a hotel room but is well worth it!

No excuses and he (they) are taking advantage of you and completely disrespectful towards his son!

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It isn’t petty to be upset over your sons dad not handling his responsibilities to your son…BUT…that should never be discussed in front of your son…your son shouldn’t have any business knowing who is responsible to do what with him per the courts…that is all adult matters and he already has heard too much if he thinks his dad needs to “grow up” that is due to what adults say to and in front of him about his dad being irresponsible…you are the other parent …was there any thought in your mind to tell dad to leave his skates etc?? People get busy people forget things & if that part means alot u can discuss it in a private adult conversation between the 2 of you…i think it is rude going to Disney without the kid and ur kid has a right to express to his dad that his feelings were hurt…and if your kid is hurt about being left out then you should say things that comfort him not things that make him feel worse and u should let dad know that the kid is expressing hurt feelings. And defintely there should be a talk about empty promises cuz DON’T DO THAT TO A CHILD! Maybe just encourage dad to take a lil trip with just him and the boy? I would ask him to reimburse everything that he’s responsible for financially also

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Court papers are only a guide line in case u guys can’t get along. I would take him .

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Hella petty. Shit happens, people forget things

Your not being crazy for the way you feel. I had two children that had false promises a lot. The thing is get your child what he needs. Give a copy of receipts to the father for reimbursement. Your child will figure things out with his father maybe not today but tomorrow.

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You’re blaming them for not making sure the child had everything but did you as well?
Doesn’t sound like it.

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From what I read the father promised to be back in time but it didn’t happen.
What he should have done was to leave the stuff at your place just in case.
He is being irresponsible.
The worse thing an adult can do is to keep letting down a child. Then the grow up trust issues to the detriment of partners and relationships.
No you are not. He needs to hold up his end or just tell him to keep away.

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The one thing that bothered me was “my dad needs to grow up”… that sounds liked something he’s overheard from the grownups around him which is inappropriate. It shapes his thoughts and opinions when people around him say those things. He’s your kid too, take some responsibility over the hockey situation. The gear should be with the kid ALWAYS. If his dad isn’t living up to his promises there’s nothing you can do about that but let him decide how he feels about it.

This is not petty and a form of mental abuse.

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Break promises is big NO! Don’t make promises if you can’t keep it. My boys went through that with loser (arrested for domestic violence) that can’t grow up. He’s “manchild”. Your ex is old enough take responsibility too! It’s sad that children does not forget what they went through like this. So your husband and you can do- be there for son and do things for him. He will see who being parents to him even your husband showed he’s stepped up dad to him which it’s good thing just like my fiance is to my sons. They looked up to my fiance. I keep everything what I purchased for them in my house. Only clothes they can take with but must return back as guideline said so. :woman_shrugging: just do everything for your son because he will remember and see it who be there for him grow up and appreciate it. Not try show him who do better. Children will see it themselves. Whatever your court ordered and you followed it and he don’t. Screenshot texts and print it then prove judge. I done that million times that is why judge loves it what I did to prove

I’m sure you have a good reason for putting hockey in the custody agreement. The cost for playing plus equipment, and away games, or a history of not paying child support.
Not sure how old your son is but he is the one playing, he should and his father should double check he has everything. Whoever picked him up (you or your husband) should have made sure he had everything too.
Not sure about the circumstances of the first Disney trip, but it definitely sucks he wasn’t invited. Not taking him to Disney after promising is wrong and must be so disappointing. Sounds like bio dad is telling your son he will do things with him and doesn’t on a regular basis? You should talk to him about it especially if there is vacation in the custody order.

Maybe your son needs to tell him how he feels is crappy that he doesn’t keep up his end of the situation. I hope for your sons sake he gets it together.

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This is biologically your son right. The man kind of needs appreciated for what its worth. It was an accident tell your son to make sure he always has HIS gear and teach him self responsibility. I’m not saying the dad is right but I think we should be thankful at the same time.

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Your story has a lot of contradictions. You state that you, your ex and his fiance are good friends. But you have language in your divorce decree, specificly hockey that excludes you, from any financial responcibilty or, even taking your son to the games? Yet you go, anyway? How often does you ex see your son? How often is he entitled to see him? How often do you allow him, to see him. Your current husband stepped up and took care of your son… Was your ex out of the picture, for a while? Seems like there’s more going on here…

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Why does your son not keep his gear in a sports bag? That would eliminate this issue.
You are an adult too your son is also your responsibility. As far as a 9 year old saying his dad needs to grow up that sounds like adults speaking bad of the other parent in front of him. Children should never be included in adult situations. At first you said you are all great friends then your not. I dont think your being petty but you are placing all of the blame on the other parent who ran into an issue. Silver lining…now your son has two of everything. Hope he has a great game.

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9yrs is a decent age to be responsible for ur shit. Life happens and sometimes plans dont go as u would like. U cant plan for everything that could possibly go wrong but making sure his stuff was accesible to yall in case dad got delayed is pretty basic. In regards to being hurt about not being included, although valid feelings, life happens. We dont know the reason why he was left out of a trip (anywhere) but he also needs to understand he wont always be included and thats ok!

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Bottom line is you know he’s Irresponsible so just keep the stuff at your house and tell your son no more leaving stuff by dads .and also if he’s done this before why bother getting mad cause getting mad only stresses you out not him.

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Your son owns no responsibility in any if these items being “forgot”? Is he 2yrs old? :roll_eyes:

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Don’t rely on anyone… even the dad

No it’s not petty and I agree with making sure you keep all equipment knowing things seem to happen, and the dad isn’t the most reliable and consistent. Sadly court orders don’t dictate real life and won’t be followed to the “T” in many situations. You’ll stress yourself out over ‘rules’ when really, 2 adults just need to acknowledge who’s better at handling some tasks and make adjustments sometimes. Jmo.

Sounds like some parental collaboration and organization would help this child out greatly.

This is who you picked to have a child with. It’s unfortunate and sad. Have double of everything at your home. You sound petty as hell. You have it in your decree that you are not financially responsible for hockey and taking him back and forth. You all sound petty.

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Ouch. Your kid’s father and mine sound like the exact same dude (I know he’s not)

My 2 boys (8&9) play baseball and I hold them responsible for their stuff! The younger they learn the better!!

Are we playing the Blame Game? The son lives with YOU and that’s where your son’s equipment should be. You’re making the dad seem like a terrible, irresponsible guy when all he wants is a life. You both have moved on but appears you’re trying to run two houses. And I’m sure the hockey is your idea because you can still keep tabs on dad. Let dad live his life and you get on with yours. Your husband should be enough for you and he is crazy to put up with your meddling azz still running behind Baby Daddy. Mad because they’re on vacation and you can’t harass them. Fiancee knows exactly what she was doing with the “no communication”

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Angela Smith it’s not the child. It’s her. I’m sure Baby Daddy informed her of his plans but she insisted that he be back for the hockey game. Her story is like Saran wrap. I see thru the drama she has created but it’s not working in her favor. You’ve heard the song “tryna love two”

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I would be annoyed. My advice. Keep the kids equipment with the kid all the time.

A 9 year olds is telling dad to grow up? Then he should be grown enough to be responsible for his gear then since he’s so grown up and dad is not. Why isn’t the son bringing his stuff with him everywhere he goes. Since things go wrong in life it’s better to have his things with him. I can already tell your son is either being told or over hearing negative things about his dad. Most kids don’t say things like that un coached.

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Lots of deadbeat Dads out there. My sons Dad always with empty promises. The kids leArn themselves who is going to help them and who is not and who is going to keep promises. Try not to run down his Dad. I know it’s hard but kids know theses things already.

War and peace of petty stuff. Just work with the guy for what’s best for your children. :roll_eyes:

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If your son feels a certain way, that is a conversation that needs to be had between father and son. Let your son know it’s ok to express himself.

As far as the equipment, in our house each kid is responsible for their particular equipment for each respective sport. And the kids have keys to both parents homes so if they forget something they can handle it. Just a thought that this might help you in the future. Don’t make a huge deal over it, but find a solution together as a family.

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Be civil with him but stop the friendship , stop breaking your sons heart and start being honest and tell his dad to step up and start to be a responsible dad to his son , as long as there is no conflict between the two of you but the issue needs to be brought up and make sure there is something to be done and be change in his part or else that will be the cause of both of you’s frictions bcoz of you as a mother protecting your son and him as a father keep breaking his heart

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If this is all you have to worry about then I’d say you’re all going to be just fine…

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I handle this situation with my sons dad?

I would be upset too. It took my daughter a lot of years and a lot of hurt feelings to finally realize that her dad made a lot of promises but never kept any of them. It used to infuriate me, don’t lie to my kid, if you don’t know 100% that you can do something then don’t tell a child that you will!

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My heart breaks for your son and you…the dad is missing the BEST part of your son’s life​:broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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I’d put the 9 year old on the phone with his dad and let him cry to him. But do they really not have a spare key somewhere for your son to go in and get his skates?

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Also seems like his fiance isn’t helping him much but probably pushing him away from his own son by the way it sounds like as a step mom or a man that has a child I would encourage my spouse to be their for his kid

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As a mom of a kid who plays hockey and has to coparent… this happens. And will happen more than once. And it’ll happen to you too. Depending on how old your son is, it could also be his responsibility to make sure he has his bag together . My sons 12… if he’s missing something, it’s on him.

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Call the dad out.tell him to get his priorities straight!

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Sports is so hard. We run around like chickens with our head’s cut off and still are missing stuff all the time. Our hockey rink rents skates, maybe you have somewhere in town that has ice skate rentals?

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buy your son a set of stuff to stay at your house, and have your son start looking after his own stuff.

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i would NEVER leave any of his things there from now on and id tell him from now on YOU will bring him to the games n he could come n watch why be— aka-- friends hes the childs dad period move on n let him be the dad

Are these women just stupid? Like what? This is the second one I’ve read in like 5 minutes where these women say they’re “good friends” with their kids dad then go on to point out essentially what a piece of shite the dad is. But ok, y’all are “good friends”. :roll_eyes: Dumba$$.

I agree that your son should look after his stuff and bring it home with him between visits with his Dad. Your son will figure out where he stands in his Dad’s life and will learn to be a better man for it. Sorry but hope it helped to vent a little.

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Have your son pack up all the hockey stuff in a bag and where ever your kid goes the bag goes. Stuff happens and the kids needs to be accountable for his stuff.

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While you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do, your son needs to learn this lesson about his father. All you can do is be there for him and help him through it. The same happened to my daughter. I never bad mouthed her father or anything and she just had to learn how he was on her own. I made myself available as her sounding board and to offer a hug. She needed to learn for herself just as your son does. It’s a hard, but necessary lesson.

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Could it be he really forgot that he had his son’s skates?? He did but him a new stick.
And maybe your son is picking up your clues & saying what he is saying.
Also maybe tell his dad don’t promise him anything, especially if he can’t deliver!!
I never told my kids if i planned on anything. Because just in case i couldn’t do it for whatever reason. We just went & surprise :smiley:

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I find it odd that you had something like that drawn up specifically in court paperwork if you all get along so well. But anyway……if your 9 year old is mature enough to make a statement that his dad needs to “grow up” then perhaps he needs to be responsible for his own Hockey stuff :woman_shrugging:t3: we have 5 boys and the ones who are old enough, have their own bags with their own gear. If they forget goalie gloves or whatever for soccer that’s on them. My oldest has a different dad and there has definitely been stuff left between places. It happens. It’s life. It’s also a good teaching opportunity about responsibility.

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He does need to grow up. Knowing ahead of time he had this tournament, they should’ve 100% BOTH made sure the equipment was reachable for all of you. That’s sad that they didn’t plan ahead and be more cautious when he plays yearly.

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I am so sorry . Broken promises hurt kids badly . Eventually , your son won’t believe anything he says . My kids are proof of that .

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Ask him which one will be the best window to break, to get his skates. From now on, if he has a game coming up, ALL his equipment should be with him, just in case. And the empty promises need to stop. No telling him he’s going to do ANYTHING with him, more than a week out. He can tell you, and you can prepare, but never tell your son, until it’s happening

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Um I think you all missed the point this lady was trying to make. This isn’t about the hockey equipment or who’s responsible. Its about the father not being responsible, ditching his kid last minute and making false promises.

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Your son knows where his gear is and when he will need it for his sport schedule. He needs to start taking responsibility for it and travel with it going back and forth with him between your house and his Dad’s. This way he will never be without when he needs it.
I would take more initiative and be proactive with his Dad from week to week by calling him and discussing your sons schedule and confirm/verify that his Dad will be driving him, etc.
If he cannot every now and then I would still work with him and pitch in for the benefit of your friendly co parenting and for your son. However, if it starts happening more on the regular that you’re driving I would ask him for another solution in your agreement, gas money, or an extra day or Holiday in your custody agreement (examples)
Lastly, you can’t control his Dad not being reliable and breaking promises to him. We are stuck with the parents we are given.

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