How should I handle this situation with my spouse?

I would like to know what everyone’s views are on when you bring something up to your spouse or SO and they make an effort to work on whatever the thing was but then they revert back to doing it again and so you have constant battles over the same issues and I guess what I want to know is at what point is it acceptable behavior for me to put my foot down and give an ultimatum?

35 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I handle this situation with my spouse?

If you’re asking, it’s time

I guess it depends on what it is but in the end they need to realize whats most important to them… The thing they are doing or you. I think you should put your foot down immediately

Just make sure that it is an ultimatum you can live with before giving it.

10 Likes

It really depends on what the thing is. Leaving dirty socks around the house is a whole different story than lying.

4 Likes

Now is the point because it is weighing heavy on you.
The ultimatum can be to get to the root of the problem. If your spouse changes only to keep you quiet for a short period of time, they may not be as invested as you are.
Do they really want to change?

It’ll get to a point where you don’t wanna sound like a broken record anymore, you’ll wanna change your tune. That’s when

1 Like

I agree…depends what it is…
Relationships are always work and about communication and compromises…

If I have to ask twice, that’s way too close to begging. And baby, we don’t beg around here. it comes down to “can you live with it (the thing/s he reverts back to doing) or can you live without him?”

2 Likes

Good luck… that was how things were with my ex… and yes I said ex. He refused to change and try until I left him then he wanted to fix everything but it was too late for me

Currently going through this. I kicked him out today. We’ve been together for 14 years and have 3 kids. He was really affecting my mental health, we were both arguing infront of kids all the time. I learned how to shut him down than name calling happened. Honestly I love him but I deserve kindness, consideration and partnership and respect. I am not here to make his life easier. I won’t settle for less. He gets so mean. Im mad I let him hurt me again and again. He does not see that. It was super difficult but different. I didn’t cry still haven’t. :cry:

3 Likes

Never give an ultimatum unless you’re sure you can live with the outcome. Sit down and DISCUSS whatever the problem is. Simply ask why do you keep doing xyz when I’ve told you it bothers me. Let him explain it to you. Then determine what you should do. “Putting your foot down” could leave you standing there alone. Think about it!

2 Likes

Do you think maybe this situation has gone on for so long that it has become a habit with your SO. Almost as if it just had fit itself into their routine without them noticing?
Now if it’s something like lying or cheating then that’s a big NO.
But if it’s something like not cleaning up after theirself, or etc etc etc. They may have started a bad habit- and habits are harder to break than just a few conversations.
You could start by reminding them (try not to get to angry) but when you see this habit showing back up- remind them again about it.

I hope this helps.

The first time he agrees and doesn’t follow through

Apology without changed behavior is manipulation. And if it isn’t actual consistent change than it isn’t genuine. As women we want to see the best in people. But that isn’t productivefor our mental or emotional well being. We need to look at the actions of the individual rather than our emotions for said individual. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You have to decide what you are willing to tolerate and stick to it. Hugs mama

6 Likes

I have a rare amazing relationship after 43yrs I’m now 45 but we even have moments, relationships are a give and take, we both fail sometimes but communicate is key. Be a partner, be open, talk. Just remember life is life, we all fail and we can also be gone tomorrow.

1 Like

If you are married and can see yourself growing old with him. Then, it’s something you need to work on together. Marriage is ALOT of give and take, alot of work and alot of patience and compassion. That being said…ask him WHY he keeps doing those things…we’ve been married 33 yrs this oct… and there has been TONS of this. But, I can’t imagine my life with anyone else or without him in it. At some point, he realizes he is in the wrong. And if he really loves you, he will start to change.

A leopard never changes it’s spots.

Ahh, the pacifier affect.

really depends on what it is and how it affects YOU.

Depends on the issue :woman_shrugging:

1 Like

Be careful with ultimatums. Weigh it VERY carefully! Only in a deal breaker kind of scenario should you even consider it.

4 Likes

If you communicate about it, multiple times to no avail then you have to make a choice. Are you going to live with it? Or are you going to leave? If they seem to work on it then revert they probably only worked on it to say they did it to stop the nagging to be honest.

1 Like

Ultimatums rarely work the way you want them to

2 Likes

Ultimatums are prone to blow up in your face. Make sure you are ready to follow through and live with the consequences. You have to decide if the situation is something so terrible you can’t live with it or not. Is it something they do without thinking? Is it really harmful? Will it matter in 5 years? If you can’t live with it. Leave. Old habits are hard to break. Especially if you don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing. If you can get over it, stay.

4 Likes

Try using the carrot vs the stick. He does X he gets Y. If he picks up his socks every day for a week, he gets one time the following week to pick sex whenever & however he wants it within reason, or pot roast for dinner Sunday night, or control if the remote one night of his choice, or he gets to sleep in an xtra 30 minutes on Saturday morning or a free pass to go golfing, fishing, practice guitar for X amount of time, like 20-30 minutes, so he has to continue the behavior to save up enough time for a round or an afternoon, etc.

Likewise, you get rewards for doing things he wants. What would motivate you to stop nagging him about chores?

Post a chore chart with everyone’s responsibilities (including kids if you have them) with gold stars if they are accomplished by the deadline. What will motivate him to change his behavior? Yelling/nagging almost never does.

Also, why does something bug you? If he leaves his socks out do you find it unsightly? A tripping hazard? It’s a pain to have to pick them up to do laundry? What if his chore becomes doing the laundry & you put stuff away (men will endlessly rummage in a laundry basket for clean clothes)? What if you leave your shoes all over the floor for 2 weeks so he has to navigate around them? If it only bothers you, then you deal with the socks unless you can convince him there will be a reward if he picks up: no more nagging, a happier wife, a gold star & a pizza dinner.

Good luck!

My husband and I have only been married 6 years. We have constantly had the same struggles. Money and alcohol. I was going to leave. I had my plan but it didn’t feel right. My husband tries. Yes majority of the time things go back to the way they were but my thing is that he keeps trying. I’m not perfect either and he deals with stuff from me too but I know he loves me and we’re both trying. Only you can decide how much you’re willing to put up with. When my husband stops trying maybe then I’ll make that decision but life isn’t easy. I’m not going to walk out on him because he falls. I’m going to be there to support him until he either gets the hang of it or completely stops trying. I didn’t marry him because he’s perfect. I married him because I love him and want to be there through the good times and the hard times

9 Likes

Depends on the issue?

If it’s leaving clothes on the bathroom floor… seriously it’s easier to just pick them up & put them in the washing basket than having an argument about it…

Weigh up the good things & the bad things your spouse does and go from there…

2 Likes

Depends if they are cheating or if he doesn’t turn there socks the right way out when doing the washing🤷‍♂️ perspective is important too

6 Likes

Depends on what it is :woman_shrugging:

1 Like

Was this something he did while dating? Everyone wants to change someone after marriage when he never lied to you about who he was in the beginning. In my experience ultimatums never work. IF you have had a serious conversation and it is that serious leave. If just an annoying thing I say pick your battles. marriages go through cycles. and honestly there were times when everything he did annoyed me… but that was my problem not his… I waited through it and it passed and the other side is better. best I can do with limited info… Good Luck

Never give a ultimatum it won’t work out the way you imagine

2 Likes

You either deal with it or get divorced. Relationships and marriages are not easy.

3 Likes

Give all the ultimatum you want. If they’ve already “tried” and gone right back that’s what will continue to happen. Sorry.

2 Likes

U can not change a sheep by shaving it… it will always remain a sheep… it’s advice my dad gave me… I live by it. People don’t change unless THEY reeeeaaalllllllly want to change. And that’s in any aspect of life… u have to sit down and think hard about when ur limits are with whatever he is doing… set boundaries and if he can’t respect them then u have your answer as to what I should do. Just remember that marriage isn’t easy… no relationship is.

To me it depends on the severity of the problem. I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and there’s things he does that I’ve commented on that drive me nuts but still does them. But I’ve grown to realize some things should just go without causing a big fight. But like I said it depends on what the problem is. Throwing dirty socks on the floor is not equivalent to say name calling or being disrespectful in any way.

2 Likes

When you’ve had enough! Nobody can tell you that! It’s up to you.

Whenever you’ve had enough, put your foot down. It took me 7 years, but I finally gave an ultimatum🤷🏽‍♀️ Our issue was him being gone (over the road trucker) because it allowed friends to influence him into behavior unacceptable in a marriage (yes he is responsible for his own actions but the distance created a lot of issues allowing for it). I put up with way more than I probably should have but about six months ago I said enough was enough, come off the road or our only option is divorce. I could not physically or emotionally handle it anymore. It has completely changed our marriage and our life. So I say give the ultimatum or accept the behavior because that is basically what you are doing.

To be honest this really depends… on the issue…on the person…on the tools/accomodations provided to do the changing…your expectations of the change.

Two things I would keep in mind:

  1. Important changes in regards to behavior do not come about overnight.
    If a person for example…need to communicate more.
    And they do well at communicating for a week or two…then stop.
    That wasn’t a real change.
    They made an effort.
    But communicating effectively isn’t already an innate part of who they are.
    They’re going to have to work to develop their communication skills. True improvement…will happen slowly over time. You can help by gently leading a conversation and knowing when to back off.
    Eventually effective communication will happen naturally.

  2. Don’t ask of others what you’re not willing to do yourself. If you’re requesting your partner change something about themselves that you have an issue with…but you refuse to address any behaviors of yours that they have an issue with…you’re not entirely being fair.

2 Likes

It depends what it is about. Like how serious is this issue? Are you being picky or is it a real issue

People don’t change because you want them to they do it when they want to, and if they wanted to they would. Relationships are hard, you just have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth it for you.

It depends on the situation of course…

Bring it up as soon as it bothers you. If you just bury whatever it is and stew in it ,it will cause you to have huge resentment for the other person.

It obviously isnt a “whatever the thing was” issue, it is an attempt at a “boundary” and that is a big issue if it wasnt in place when you committed to be together, bait and switch is deadly for relationships

1 Like

Without kniwing what the issue is we cannot really gove proper advice. Is he doing sonething like leaving the toilet seat up? Not helping with house work? Or is he watching porn or cheating on you? The answer would be vastly different.

Back when they did it the second time after you warned them.

Sounds like it’s time to leave to me

When you decide enough is enough .

Not that easy, ultimatums or not thats still giving them the power. Be honest with yourself about what you’ll actually do if the ultimatum proves what I’m sure you already know.

You are in a marriage I assume so work it out . It is a give and take. Pick your battles.

2 Likes

When you realize it’s a constant battle :woman_shrugging:
You’re stuck in a gerbil wheel. Ultimatum shouldn’t be you bluffing. Tell him you’re done if it doesn’t change and stick to it.
If it’s a dealbreaker. And only you can decide if it is.

I usually just remind him again about whatever previous Convo we had and how he’s backsliding and then he tries to do better again. When he stops trying to do better is when I’ll call it quits. Habits are hard to break and hard to create new ones and a reminder to do better every now and then is no skin off my back